M ar ch 2015
Shar e your PACT
WELCOME
f eedback wit h us
In each of our issues, the goal is to both r eflect upon pr ogr am s her e in
PACTFeedback@SARHighSchool.org
school and shar e ideas fr om outside our w alls in or der to im pr ove par ent com m unication and connection. In this w ay, w e can w or k together to r aise healthy teens in today?s com plex society. In this PACT New sletter, w e focus on teen use of technology. An im por tant voice in this conver sation is that of Danah
INTHIS ISSUE
Boyd, Resear ch Assistant Pr ofessor at New Yor k Univer sity, and a Fellow at Har var d's Ber km an Center for Inter net and Society. Her cur r ent book , It?s Com plicated:
W ELCOM E
The Social Lives of Netw or ked
PURI M REM I NDER
Teens, is one that w e have been discussing as a PACT team along w ith select
PARENT VI EW S ON PACT PROGRAM M I NG I T'S COM PLI CATED
faculty. In this new sletter, w e shar e som e of our ow n thoughts on m any of the ideas pr esented in the book . We ar e also happy to shar e par ent r eflections on our Sophom or e and Senior Par ent PACT evenings. These evenings focused on our Health and
UPCOM I NG PACT EVENT TEEN TERM S TO KNOW
Sexuality Pr ogr am and also featur ed an alum ni par ent for um . We hope that these pr ogr am s have been constr uctive spaces to shar e ideas and lear n fr om fellow par ents. We look for w ar d to hear ing your thoughts and input
PACTLEADERSHIP COMMITTEE RABBI TULLY HARCSZTARK
r egar ding our PACT pr ogr am m ing as w ell. -- The PACT Team
PURI M I S HERE! REMEMBER:
RABBI AARON FRANK DR. RUSSELL HOFFM AN DR. M I CHELLE HUM I NURSE RUSSI BOHM M R. M I CHAEL COURTNEY M S. CARI COHEN LAYOUT EDI TOR: GI LA KOLB
PURI M & PACT Go Toget her!! Parents: Ask, Call & Talk to your children and other parents.
FROM the PARENT'S VIEW of PACT: Valerie Altmann Reflects on Sophomore Parent Evening
On Januar y 13th, a gr oup of par ents attended the fir st PACT m eeting for sophom or es. It w as an infor m ative evening and it enlightened us about how the school is incor por ating sexual and health education into the cur r iculum . As a par ent of thr ee teenager s, w ho often do not com m unicate to us w hat is being discussed at school, it w as ver y encour aging to hear how the school is attem pting to educate our childr en on sexual nor m s and confr ont cultur al biases. M s. Lisa Schlaff pr esented a Talm udic stor y as an exam ple of how these stor ies ar e taught in Beit M idr ash, to foster discussion about healthy sexual r elationships and pr oper conduct w ithin a halakhic fr am ew or k . Dr. Hum i and Dr. Hoffm an then pr esented w ays for us, as par ents, to actively w or k on engaging our childr en in
discussions about healthy choices. They em phasized the im por tance of pr oviding a safe envir onm ent, w her e our childr en can be com for table discussing issues such as dr ugs and alcohol. It w as helpful to listen to the differ ent techniques on how to conver se about these topics that often, w e our selves, as par ents, ar e not that com for table discussing. I com m end the school for foster ing these discussions am ongst our students and for involving the par ents in this endeavor. Raising teenager s is scar y at tim es and as par ents, I think w e all str uggle w ith the fine balance of giving our childr en their independence and our tr ust, yet still r ealizing that they r equir e our suppor t and super vision. It is encour aging to know that the school is pr oviding a str ong (continued pg 7)
Deborah David Reflects on Senior Parent Evening
This past m onth, SAR High School r an it?s PACT evening for the par ents of this year ?s Senior Class. At 6:30 p.m . that night, thir ty m inutes befor e the m eeting w ould star t, my youngest child asked m e to help her study her Ivr it w or ds. Feeling tir ed and not r elishing going out into the bitter cold, I thought of hanging back . In tr uth, I am a PACT veter an, as of this June four of my childr en w ill have gr aduated fr om SAR High School; and as you can im agine, I have been to m any a PACT m eeting. But the m elancholy I have begun to feel about my loom ing ?em pty nest,?and the desir e not to m iss oppor tunities connected to my kids, sent m e out the door. W hat str uck m e so positively about this PACT evening w as that it felt fr esh. A panel of speaker s, m ade up of par ents and staff, r eally br ought som ething new, helpful and infor m ative to the
table. M s. Taubes and M s. Ger m ano spoke em otionally and w ith eloquence about their exper iences as Senior Class GLCs. Their love for our childr en w as evident, as w as their desir e to build r elationships of tr ust and suppor t w ith them . They spoke about their ow n effor ts, as w ell as school w ide effor ts, to keep our ?second sem ester ?senior s m otivated and ?pr esent? until the end. The panel of par ents of past gr aduates spoke intim ately about their unique exper iences as par ents of senior s and shar ed m any insights into the m ind of a 12th gr ader. The PACT m eeting also cr ystallized for m e an idea that I som etim es str uggle w ith as a par ent. We often str addle the line betw een w hat w e see as our par ental r ole and the r ole (continued pg 7)
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IT'SCOMPLICATED: Ear ly in the tw entieth centur y, G. Stanley Hall becam e quite a celebr ity. He w as a psychologist and college pr esident cr edited w ith cr eating the idea of adolescence, that stage w hen childr en begin to develop a m or al sense but ar e too young to be fully r esponsible for them selves. He believed that teens ar e not yet m atur e enough to m ake decisions on their ow n and ar e subject to tur bulent for ces inside of them . As such, adolescents m ust be pr otected w hile they go thr ough this stage. He liter ally w r ote the book on the topic in 1904. It w as 1400 pages long and w as called Adolescence: Its Psychology and Its Relations to Physiology, Anthr opology, Sociology, Sex, Cr im e, Religion and Education. He had a m eaningful r ole in the developm ent of higher age com pulsor y schooling, child labor law s and the juvenile justice system . In the centur y since, that lim inal stage has becom e even longer as m any m or e young people in the United States fully enter the adult w or ld after college or even gr aduate school.
THEMEDIUM HAS CHANGED, BUT THECONCEPT HAS NOT BY: RABBI TULLYHARCSZTARK, PRINCIPAL In Danah Boyd?s r ecent book , It?s Com plicated, she, quoting m uch r ecent liter atur e on the subject, launches a cr itique on the im pact of G. Stanley Hall?s pr ogr essivist agenda. The cr itique: the teens w ho live in this lim inal stage for an extended per iod of tim e lose a sense of agency and the fr eedom to develop. Because adults w er e afr aid of and fear ful for kids, they decided to keep them out of the adult w or ld for a longer per iod of tim e. This, on the one hand, gave them tim e to develop. On the other hand, it closed them out of oppor tunities to lear n by m aking r eal decisions. W hile teens used to do pr oductive w or k , now they spend year s engaged in pr epar ator y lear ning for the ?r eal w or ld?. They live the bulk of their lives in a youth cultur e - m ostly w ith kids in their ow n age gr oup. They live heavily str uctur ed lives in the inter est of ?pr otecting? them . W hile m any teens enjoy lear ning, "m any have com e to see education no longer as an oppor tunity but as a r equir em ent; r ather than having the space to m atur e, teens m ust inhabit a highly str uctur ed envir onm ent that is supposedly for their ow n good" (Boyd, p. 95). Boyd claim s that "in buying into adolescence, w hat w e've cr eated is a pr essur e cooker... They ar e stuck in a system in w hich adults r estr ict, pr otect and pr essur e them to achieve adult m easur es of success". The full ser vice high school undoubtedly offer s kids so m any oppor tunities. But our kids also live highly r egim ented lives. In Boyd's view, the online social lives of teens is a space that teens can call their ow n. It should be under stood as their attem pt to lear n how to pr esent them selves, m anage their social inter actions and develop an under standing of the w or ld ar ound them . We should not view it as an addiction or as str ange or w or r isom e. In the r estr icted and over ly str uctur ed w or ld that w e have cr eated for them , they need a space to figur e out how to oper ate in the w or ld. That is their ow n teen w or ld. And today's space for that is online. Boyd's analysis is pr ovocative and inter esting. It for ces us to take a step back and think about the lives that w e pr ovide for our kids. W hile in a nar r ow sense, the decisions that w e m ake for our kids ar e our ow n, (cont'd pg 5)
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IT'S COMPLICATED: NAVIGATINGTHEDIGITALDIVIDE BY: RABBI AVI BLOOM, DIRECTOROFTECHNOLOGYINTEGRATION Danah Boyd?s It?s Com plicated, is a r efr eshing look at the online lives of teenager s and an em pow er ing call to action for par ents and educator s to engage cr itically in the w or k of under standing teens, their lives online, and the im por tant r ole that adults play in cr eating a cultur e of m eaningful engagem ent w ith technology. To help teens successfully and appr opr iately navigate their online lives, adults need to r eshape som e of the assum ptions w e m ake about teens as ?digital natives? and about w hat they?r e doing online. For Boyd, teens inter acting online is ?not eccentr ic; it is entir ely nor m al, even expected.? (Boyd, p.4) Social m edia is an avenue thr ough w hich teens spend tim e w ith each other, in m uch the sam e w ay as they used to speak on the phone or get together in per son. At the sam e tim e, w hile teens natur ally gr avitate to online netw or ks, Boyd cautions against the assum ption that since teens ar e ?digital natives? they ar e inher ently equipped to navigate the com plex online w or ld alone and do not r equir e guidance or tr aining. She ar gues that: Teens may make their own media or shar e content online, but this does not mean that they inher ently have the knowledge or per spective to cr itically examine what they consume. Being exposed to infor mation or imager y thr ough the inter net and engaging with social media do not make someone a savvy inter pr eter of the meaning behind these ar tifacts. Technology is constantly r ewor king social and infor mation systems, but teens will not become cr itical contr ibutor s to this ecosystem simply because they wer e bor n in an age when these technologies wer e per vasive. (Boyd, p. 177) (continued on page 5)
ADDICTED? BY: DR. MICHELLEHUMI, SARHSPSYCHOLOGIST
t al k wit h your t een about it 's compl icat ed cl ick her et o buy t hebook
Amy has a Bio test tomor r ow? 9pm: Dad goes to check on Amy and sees that she is lying on her bed w ith her books and com puter in fr ont of her. Amy is chatting aw ay w ith her fr iends on instant m essenger. He asks Amy how the studying is going and she does not lift her head and says ?fine?. 10:30pm: Dad checks in on Amy ? Amy is now chatting on Skype w ith a fr iend? He looks annoyed? ?Amy don't you have to study? You have a test tom or r ow ! You have been chatting w ith your fr iends all night!? Amy r esponds... ?Dad, I am studying?. 12 am: M om and Dad ar e headed tow ar ds bed? . They stop by Amy?s r oom . Amy is looking at her books but is also texting on her phone ?That's it Amy ? w e ar e taking all your devices aw ay ? you ar e com pletely addicted to the com puter and your phone? ther e is no w ay you ar e going to do w ell on your test tom or r ow ? ." Sound like a typical scenar io in your home? M any par ents these days w or r y about their childr en?s ?addiction? to technology. In the book , It?s Com plicated, Danah Boyd spends an entir e chapter debunking the fact that teenager s ar e addicted to technology and helps explor e som e of the r easons teens use technology. By helping par ents under stand w hat teens ar e tr ying to achieve thr ough the use of technology, adults can help teens find a balance. (continued on page 6)
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NAVIGATINGTHEDIGITALDIVIDE (continued fr om pg 4) So, w hile teens ar e m or e com for table and natur ally adept w ith the technical pieces of life online than m ost adults, that does not m ean that they inher ently m ake good decisions about w hat, w hen, w hy, and how they shar e infor m ation and str uctur e their tim e. As such, to help teens develop as ?cr itical contr ibutor s to this ecosystem ,? adults need to str ike the r ight balance betw een allow ing teens the space to socialize and netw or k together and pr oviding am ple guidance and str uctur e to help teens m ake good choices in their online lives. Often, the inter action betw een par ents and teens is a quantitative one, about the am ount of tim e spent online, r ather than also discussing r esponsible decision m aking, good choices, and other substantive issues r elated to w hat the teens ar e actually doing online. W hile guidelines and r ules ar e im por tant, cr eating a cultur e of author itar ian r ules about technology use w ithout a r eal engagem ent w ith the content of that activity, m oves us fur ther aw ay fr om the educational possibilities that these oppor tunities offer. Fur ther, it?s im por tant that adults w or k to under stand the specifics of the ser vices that teens use online. Facebook , Instagr am , Snapchat, Vine, Tum blr, etc? ar e unique ser vices that function differ ently, have differ ent pr ivacy settings, and differ ent pur poses. We can only help teens m ake r esponsible choices ar ound these issues if w e com m it to under standing w hat they ar e doing, and w hat the im plications ar e for their lives and for those ar ound them . Beyond social m edia, Boyd also w r ites about the assum ptions teens and adults m ake about the the infor m ation they find online. She w r ites, ?Too often w e focus on lim iting youth fr om accessing inaccur ate or pr oblem atic infor m ation. This is a laudable goal, but alone it does teens a fundam ental disser vice.? (Boyd, p.181) She ar gues that the com m on classr oom pr ohibition against using W ikipedia as a sour ce for feits a pedagogic oppor tunity to delve deeper into the conver sation about cr ow d-sour ced infor m ation and how it can be utilized as a r esour ce r esponsibly, by explor ing the details that W ikipedia pr ovides about the histor y of the ar ticle cr eation and the var iety of voices pr esent in the text. So, w hether it?s about social netw or ks, online r esear ch or anything else that teens do online, ther e ar e im por tant oppor tunities for adults to engage teens in substantive conver sation beyond just lim its and contr ols. Doing so, w ithin a fr am ew or k of r especting pr ivacy, and genuinely under standing the platfor m s and activities, w ill help cr eate a gener ation of adults w ho live and w or k online efficiently, pr oductively, r espectfully and r esponsibly.
MEDIUMHASCHANGED, BUTTHECONTENTHASNOT (continued fr om pg 3) in a br oad sense, they ar e defined for us by societal expectations that ar e both tem por ally and geogr aphically contingent. These things don't have to be the w ay that they ar e. Adolescence, the full ser vice high school, college adm issions, the online w or ld ar e all concepts and tools of our cr eation. It is im por tant - even if w e can't easily change any of it - to r eflect on the w or ld that w e have cr eated for our childr en and consider w hat par ts of it m ake sense to us and w hich less so. In my view, one of the elem ents that Boyd is w illing to accept gives m e pause, m akes m e think tw ice. She encour ages our acceptance of the online social w or ld of kids because it gives them a space of their ow n. That m akes sense. But her analysis also highlighted the w ay that adolescence as a concept helps cr eate a youth cultur e that is ver y closed in on itself. Speak to any educator and they w ill tell you that, too often, the loyalty that kids have to one another tr um ps ever y other value that they hold - honesty, integr ity, and even, at tim es, the safety of their peer s. The oppor tunities for inter gener ational inter action ar e slim because their lives ar e so fully lived as an age gr oup in both school and cam p. I don't m ean to r om anticize far m w or k , fam ily life or the appr enticeship w or ld of the eighteenth centur y but it does m ake m e w onder and im agine w hat our lives w ould be like if kids and adults collabor ated in m or e authentic inter gener ational w or k together. Bottom line for Boyd: the online social life of our kids is not all that differ ent than in the past. The m edium has changed but the concept has not. Our job is not to pr otect them fr om it but to teach them how to use it safely, r espectfully and pr oductively. Rather than shake our heads and have our childr en just see us as the guar dians of their online tim e, w e m ust becom e their par tner s in developing shar ed values and pr actices for how to m ake the m ost of this ver y pow er ful tool.
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ADDICTED? (continued fr om pg 4) M s. Boyd explains that teens, like adults, have a deep desir e to be social. The biggest differ ence betw een adult and teen socialization, is that teenager s have little fr eedom to connect w ith other s on their ow n ter m s. Accor ding to Boyd, ?m any adults believe they have a sense of w hat is ?good?for teens - school, hom ew or k , focus, attention and ear ly bedtim e? (Boyd, p.83), but adults often for get about the im por tance of teen socialization w hether thr ough technology or outside the hom e. M any par ents believe that the am ount of tim e that teens spend on social m edia is evidence of addiction in a negative sense, and w ill go to gr eat lengths to lim it their teenager s? technology use. A discr epancy often exists betw een how teens w ould like to socialize and how their par ents think their teen should socialize. Teens often r epor t that they w ould m uch r ather ?hang out? w ith their fr iends in per son, infor m ally, and w ith a w ide r ange of peer s, than thr ough technology. Par ents often state that teens can socialize in the classr oom , dur ing after school activities, or thr ough pr ear r anged visits. Boyd states that in her opinion the par ents she has m et r epor ted that they felt that teens had plenty of oppor tunity to socialize, w her eas teens felt the opposite. Accor ding to Boyd, teenager s have less fr eedom to ?hang out? in places like par ks, the m all, r estaur ants, etc. She attr ibutes this par tially to lim ited m obility, logistics, safety, and par ental r estr iction. Fur ther m or e, tim e constr aints pose an additional lim itation on teenager s?ability to socialize face to face. W hen teenager s do have unstr uctur ed tim e and use it to socialize thr ough social m edia, par ents tend to pathologies or obliter ate that tim e. W hen teens do tur n to social m edia they ar e often doing so in r esponse ?to str uctur al r estr ictions that m ake it difficult for [them ] to achieve an age-old goal: get together w ith fr iends and hang out?. (Boyd, p.91) Accor ding to Boyd, social m edia allow s housebound teenager s to socialize and r elax. Fur ther m or e, it allow s them to engage in infor m al lear ning, lear ning fr om new situations, and an oppor tunity to develop a sense of w ho they ar e in r elation to other s. M s. Boyd continues to state that being ?addicted?to infor m ation and to being connected w ith people and society is nor m al, healthy and par t of hum an natur e. She believes that m ost teens ar e not ?addicted?to social m edia but r ather ar e using it as a tool to connect socially; in a w or ld w her e they, the teens, have num er ous r estr ictions placed on them . ?The str uctur ed and r estr ictive conditions that com pr ise the lives of m any teens pr ovides little r oom for them to explor e these issues, but social m edia gives them a platfor m and a space w her e they can m ake up for w hat?s lost.? (Boyd, p.95-96) Boyd offer s us a new, and som ew hat contr over sial, per spective on teenage use of social m edia. Her per spective questions w hether m oder n teenager s ar e r estr icted in their natur al need to socialize. It also questions w hether par ents need to find a better balance betw een allow ing their teenager s to socialize by ?hanging out? infor m ally w ith their fr iends, and socializing thr ough the use of social m edia. Fur ther m or e, this r aises an inter esting point for par ents w ho do im pose str uctur e and r estr ictions on their teen and w hether too m uch str uctur e and r estr iction m ay ultim ately cause adver se r esults. All this does not negate the seductive pow er technology can have on teenager s and the countless hour s teenager s m ay spend on social m edia. Par ents should think about w hat their ultim ate goal is and then figur e out how to go about it w ith as little conflict as possible. For exam ple, the par ent in the above scenar io w ants their teen to be m or e focused w hen studying and to not be up until all hour s of the night on social m edia. So instead of being the nagging par ent w ho continues to say get ?off of your phone/ com puter etc? all of the tim e, you m ay suggest to your teen a devoted am ount of tim e a night to socialize or a Shabbat get together w ith a few fr iends. This allow s the teen per m ission and acceptance to socialize w hile balancing their need to get their studying done. W hile M s. Boyd?s book is focused on teenager s, it also pr ovides us, as adults, w ith an oppor tunity to r eflect on our r elationships w ith technology. M s. Boyd stated that w hether one is an adult or teenager it is hum an natur e, nor m al, and healthy to be ?addicted?to infor m ation and to being connected w ith people and society. How do w e as adults achieve this? Do w e set our ow n boundar ies and lim its w ith technology? W hat types of r elationship do w e m odel w ith technology for our teens?
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FROM the PARENT'S VIEW of PACT (cont'd)
tal k wit h your t een about it 's compl icat ed - Read the book or select chapter s to r ead together as a fam ily. - Com m on Sense M edia has cr eated a ?Par ent Concer ns? section of their w ebsite. This is a fr ee r esour ce to help par ents and fam ilies cr eate m eaningful conver sation and engagem ent ar ound these issues. The page can be found at: https:/ / www.commonsensemedia.org/ parent-concerns
(Va ler ie Altma nn on Sophomor e Pa r ent Pr ogr a m- cont'd fr om p.2) suppor t system for both par ents and students, as w e navigate these sensitive issues w ith our teenage childr en. Sophomor e Pa r ent Suggestions, I dea s a nd Ta keaways fr om the PACT Pa r ent Pr ogr a m Talk w ith your sophom or e about their Beit M idr ash and new health class: W hat have they lear ned that has sur pr ised them ? They m ust have hear d and r ead about som e of these topics befor e the health classes. W hat w er e their pr econceived notions? Fr om w her e did they lear n them ? W hat ar e your view s, as a par ent, on the issues discussed in health? Rem em ber, w hile it m ay not alw ays be obvious, your child w ants to under stand how the adults in his/her life navigate the w or ld. You ar e a centr al m odel for that desir e. Find w ays to shar e your view s w ith your sophom or e in an open and pr oductive w ay.
(Debor a h David on Senior Pa r ent Pr ogr a m- cont'd fr om p.2) the school plays in the daily lives of our childr en. The PACT m eeting this year r einfor ced for m e w hat I som etim es for get: w e ar e not on opposing team s but r ather ar e in this together, and the school w ants to help us navigate, as par tner s, in the teaching and shaping of our childr en. We m ay not alw ays agr ee on ever y lesson plan in ever y class, but our goals ar e the sam e -- to help our sons and daughter s m ake r esponsible decisions and choices, as they ar e handed over the r eins to their lives. It tr uly has been a w onder ful thr ee and a half year s together as par ents of such a w onder ful gr ade. Let?s m ake sur e that w e continue to suppor t each other and our flour ishing young adults, so that this last sem ester shines as br ight as all the r est!
Senior Pa r ent Suggestions, I dea s a nd Ta keaways fr om the PACT Pa r ent Pa nel 1) Listen. Listen to w hat your kids ar e tr ying to tell you (and w hat they ar e not tr ying to tell you). You don?t have to agr ee; you don?t have to like it; but let them know that you can hear w hat they ar e tr ying to ar ticulate, and r espect the com plicated and difficult place they ar e in r ight now ? not quite a child, not quite an adult. 2) Be honest. Be honest in how you deal w ith them , w hether it is in keeping tabs on their activities, on their Facebook pages, or their texts. If you m odel honesty, you w ill by and lar ge get it back in r etur n. It?s all about r espect. 3) Suppor t. Let them know that you ar e alw ays ther e for them , no m atter w hat. Don?t be quick to judge. Good choices or bad ones, they need to know you suppor t and love them unconditionally. W hich leads to the next point: Their teacher s and adm inistr ator s feel the sam e w ay, and their classr oom s, offices, and door s ar e alw ays open. 4) Communicate. Ther e is a suppor t gr oup in place for Par ents? each other ! The m or e w e com m unicate, the m or e infor m ation and assistance w e have in guiding our childr en at this point in their lives. 5) You ar e still in char ge. You m ay not be able to choose their fr iends, or their clothes, or tell them w hat to think , or even believe, but you ar e still the par ent. You have an opinion, and it counts. Don?t for ce feed it to them , but r espectfully tell them how you feel. It m ay not alw ays seem like it, but they ar e still listening. 6) Attend the PACT meetings whenever you can!
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PACTCALENDAR
TEENTERMSYOUSHOULD KNOW t ext acr ony ms We asked our students to share some of the more common text acronyms they use on a daily basis. While many may be known to you, this may allow you to have greater lens into the communication and language dynamics amongst our kids.
mar ch 10t h 7:15pm - Cultur e Building: An evening of dialogue w ith Junior s and Par ents. Guest speaker, Ber nie Hor ow itz, w ill discuss his exper iences as the par ent of a teenager w ho exper im ented w ith substances w ith his fr iends dur ing adolescence. TO RSVP CLICK HERE!
BAE Before Anyone Else BRB
Be Right Back
BTW
By the way
CTRN Can't Talk Right Now DW
Don't Worry
GN
Good Night
GTG
Got to Go
IDC
I Don't Care
IDGI
I Don't Get It
IDK
I Don't Know
KK
Okay
LOL
Laugh out Loud
LU
Love You
NM
Not Much
NP
No Problem
OFC
Of Course
OMG
Oh My God
OMW On My Way RBTL
Read Between The Lines
RN
Right Now
TBH
To Be Honest
TTYL
Talk To You Later
WBU
What About You
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