Safety, Healing, and Hope with Barbara Niess-May

by Marji Wisniewski

The Silence

It’s kept me up most nights during the Stay Home, Stay Safe order here in Michigan due to the COVID-19 pandemic: the quiet. It’s been too quiet. Looking over our shelter and helpline intake numbers for April and May, they’re down about 30% from this time last year. It has been the same across the state since the COVID-19 pandemic began (every county in Michigan has a support center for survivors of sexual assault and/or domestic violence; SafeHouse Center is one of the largest). You would think I would be pleased with this reduction; however, it doesn’t mean what you think.

Our numbers are not down because assailants are behaving better. Our numbers are down because survivors and their children can’t get away. It’s not that domestic violence or sexual assault is waning; it’s more likely that it’s happening more frequently. Unemployment is a factor in a standard lethality assessment — a measure of the likelihood that an abuser will kill his partner.

Survivors are often isolated by their abusers financially, socially, and emotionally. It’s isolation on top of isolation. And for some In my pre-interview research of Barbara NiessMay, I visited the SafeHouse Center website. After looking around a bit, I noticed a bar at the top of the page that read, “Click this bar to quickly exit.” I knew at that moment that I had to do my absolute best to tell the story of SafeHouse Center for our community and the survivors. Through my time spent with Barbara, a lifelong supporter to the community of survivors, I learned that SafeHouse Center equals Hope.

survivors, the economic impact of the pandemic may also be a reason not to leave as they may wonder how they will find housing or work during a downturn.

The simple act of calling for help or reaching out to an advocate over Zoom might not be possible right now because of the ever-watchful abuser. And although we continue our stringent cleaning protocols and have adopted increased safety standards for the health of our survivors, many are wary of coming to a shelter during a pandemic.

By late May, many parts of the state began to reopen, and throughout June we’ve been seeing a slight uptick in our survivors reaching out. That’s a pattern I expect will continue as survivors have more privacy to reach out. We stand ready for whatever else 2020 has planned.

Hope in Tomorrow

SafeHouse Center is a 501(c)(3) non-profit organization whose mission is to provide safety, support, advocacy, and resources for survivors of sexual assault and domestic violence and their children, and to work relentlessly to change the systems and attitudes that allow this abuse to continue.

SafeHouse Center provides free and confidential services for any victimized person that lives or works in Washtenaw County. Last year we served over 5,000 survivors in Washtenaw County alone. Our services include emergency shelter for those in danger of being hurt or killed, counseling, legal advocacy, and support groups.

We provide services to people of all backgrounds, gender identities, and sexual orientations. The people who come to see us are the ones who have run out of resources. Many times, like all of us, they try to first solve the problem by themselves, but eventually it can get to a point where they are unable to help themselves anymore. That’s where we come in.

Established in 1987, the Response Team at SafeHouse Center provides immediate response to survivors of domestic violence

and/or sexual assault. Washtenaw County law enforcement agencies contact the Response Team after receiving a report of domestic violence and/or sexual assault. Local area hospitals also contact them when a patient discloses that they have experienced domestic violence and/or a sexual assault. SafeHouse Center staff or volunteers then make contact with the survivor, either in person or by phone to offer support and information and to help plan for their safety.

The Response Team contact is often the first time that a survivor learns of SafeHouse Center and our services, and of the resources that are available to help and support them. This is also often the first time that the survivor may be able to talk with someone about their situation without being blamed for the abuse and/or assault or judged for staying with their partner.

The Response Team provides emotional support, validation, information, advocacy, resources, and safety strategies. The goal is to ensure that survivors have the ability to make informed decisions and to streamline service provisions within our community. All services provided by the Response Team are free and completely confidential.

We hear from survivors that they think if they contact us, it’s because they want to leave. But we can help with other things as well. They can get the resources they need not just to leave, but to gain control of the situation in their lives. Survivors choose whether to participate with any or all of the services provided such as support groups, counseling, legal advocacy, youth support, and educational resources.

We can’t provide these services alone. We have partnerships with many other organizations throughout the county and state including law enforcement, hospitals, prosecution, human services, courts, social workers, lawyers, etc. Without these partners, change and hope would not be possible.

What does hope for these survivors look like? Hope is the belief that tomorrow can be better. We encourage survivors to hang in there and keep going because it will get better, but it’s not going to be easy. Nothing worthwhile ever is. But at the same time, they can get to the other side, and we are there to walk with them and help them as much as we can. Domestic Violence Intimate partner domestic violence is a pattern of coercive behavior used to control one’s intimate partner. It encompasses abusive tactics including, but not limited to: physical and sexual violence; threats of violence; economic, emotional, and psychological abuse; and/or the use of privilege.

Sexual Assault Sexual assault includes attacks such as rape or attempted rape, as well as any unwanted sexual contact or threats. Usually, a sexual assault occurs when someone touches any part of another person’s body in a sexual way, even through clothes, without that person’s consent. Some types of sexual acts that fall under the category of sexual assault include forced sexual intercourse (rape), sodomy (oral or anal sexual acts), child molestation, incest, fondling, and attempted rape. Assailants can be strangers, but are far more likely acquaintances, friends, or relatives of the victim. Assailants commit sexual assault by way of violence, threats, coercion, manipulation, pressure, or tricks.

Facts About Assault:

1. Sexual assault is the most underreported crime in the US, even though someone is assaulted every 73 seconds in America.

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4. 1 in 4 women experience violence by a partner at some point in their life. 1 in 5 women are sexually assaulted in college. 2 out of 3 children are exposed to trauma and violence, often associated with domestic violence or sexual assault.

A Life of Public Service

I believe there’s hope because I have seen both sides of the coin. I too am a survivor of sexual assault. But that’s not what led me to a job in this service all those years ago.

I knew in college that I wanted to be involved in public service work. I just didn’t know quite what that meant or in what direction I would go. I pursued a degree in print journalism with an additional degree in political science with the idea that maybe informing people of local issues would be a helpful service. My 18-year-old self thought that maybe I could help people through my writing.

The path that led me to getting involved with SafeHouse Center presented itself in a different way. I was working with Spanishspeaking immigrants as a VISTA volunteer (Volunteers in Service to America) in Arkansas, when a number of women started coming to me to share that they were experiencing violence and/or sexual assault, but they didn’t know where to go for help. So, I created a relationship with a local support program for these women, and after my VISTA service ended I started working for that program and came to the clear realization this is what I was meant to do.

Start by believing. Your first instinct may be to give advice, but it’s important to ask how to support survivors in their choices about what to do next. Be there to support them.

Listen without judgement It’s normal to feel reactions such as anger or shock, but sometimes expressing that can make a survivor feel like they are responsible for your reactions. Try your best to stay calm and listen. Don’t ask too many questions all at once; that might feel like victim-blaming.

Let your friend know that he or she is not alone. Offer support, offer your time, and remind your friend of available resources.

Empower your friend. Help your friend understand and consider options, let your friend make decisions, and offer to go along for support.

Ask if there’s anything you can do Just knowing that there’s someone around who they can trust, someone who loves and cares for them, means a tremendous amount. You can always ask how you can help, if there’s anything you can do.

Keep supporting Healing has no timeline; each journey is unique, so it will look different for each person. Provide ongoing support and make time to check in.

This job is so much of who I am as a person. I think that when you are a leader in a long-term leadership position, it’s just about impossible to separate who you are as a person from the work that you do. I operate as though I’m always representing SafeHouse Center. My Facebook page is open, not private. I’ve heard from survivors that they look me up on social media to learn more and see if I’m a legitimate leader. I want people to know that SafeHouse Center is as transparent as we can be (obviously there are things that need to remain confidential), but I’m very open to people knowing us and supporting us and being part of who we are in the community.

The View is Better on a Bike

After serving the community as Executive Director at SafeHouse for almost 18 years, the question I’m often asked is, “How do you do stay so focused and so passionate about the mission?”

The answer is one people don’t always expect from a 50-yearold woman: I’m an endurance sports athlete! There aren’t a lot of women involved in these sports, but I find it keeps me out of trouble to be helpful in maintaining balance. I haven’t been a life-long athlete. I started when I was about 40 and lost about 100 pounds in the process. I had gone through an emotionally painful divorce and I couldn’t afford therapy; I read somewhere online one night that running was the best therapy. So, with a few YouTube videos and support from friends, I started to run. I heard about adventure racing and it just sounded fun. I used to love to ride my bike as a kid, so I thought I’d give it a try. Now I have more compasses than purses or shoes.

Long-distance mountain biking, gravel riding, ultra runs, adventure racing, and all navigation-based (GPS) sports are the ones I participate in. People who know me will see me riding my bike to work — it’s a 16-mile ride one way! That ride doesn’t faze me at all, but that’s where I get my break. When you’re involved in an endurance sport, it’s not like it’s 20 minutes and you’re done. It can go hours, sometimes days, and it’s hard to think about work when you’re doing that.

Of course, due to the pandemic right now, all in-person racing has been put on hold. I’m still getting out and doing my rides, but I usually stay fresh in my sport by focusing on the next challenge, and right now I don’t know what that will be. I’m doing a couple of virtual races — one called The Lockdown and another called The Crusher, which is 250 miles through the wilds of the Upper Peninsula on my bike — but it’s a virtual ride and I miss the rush of competition.

The other day, my friend and I were on a ride and we had agreed to an easy pace. But as soon as I saw another rider, I sped up because it was somebody I could race. I know I’m a just a little competitive!

The last race I competed in was my favorite race so far. It was the Florida Sea to Sea race I did with my best friend to celebrate my 50th birthday. It started in Cedar Key and ended in St. Augustine. We spent three and a half days traversing on both foot and bike. It’s rare to have two women team up for a race like this, let alone two older women. We not only completed the race, but we came in second in our division and seventh overall.

Some people have other outlets, like gardening, but for me it’s this sport. I just attend to my life better after a ride because I have a new perspective on things. I feel that I’ve become a better leader because I have this outlet.

Leadership is Responsive

There are those who say that we’re born leaders and others who say that leadership is learned; I say it’s both. I think some individuals have the capacity to be leaders, but sometimes you must figure out how to manifest it best. In my 18 years at SafeHouse Center, I can see how much I’ve grown as a leader, and that growth didn’t come without its challenges. I lead using different leadership styles in different situations. It’s a delicate balance of being responsive to the people around you and staying true to yourself.

We currently have 48 staff members and 200 volunteers. Some of the staff have been here as long as I have, if not longer. The

Financial donations are always welcome. Our 2020 Men’s Campaign is taking donations until August 1st. he men who donate to SafeHouse during this time get a listing in an ad in the Observer.

SafeHouse has a wish list on Amazon with items for the shelter.

Volunteers are always needed.

Become a good ambassador for SafeHouse. Learn more about how assault impacts people. Speaking highly of SafeHouse and survivors often helps others to come forward and seek support.

Watch our website for upcoming fundraising events.

ability to retain great team members is giving us the autonomy to do what we do, expecting professionalism and recognizing that everyone operates differently. And for those teammates who only stayed a year or two, we learn from them. We have a captured wealth of experience that takes us beyond what we could do if we had stayed static.

As far as regrets go, there are some, but there are so few that I don’t really remember them. Yes, there are decisions I would’ve made differently, but I’ve learned from them to make better decisions in the future. Do I regret learning? No. Do I regret that someone else may have experienced discomfort or pain, or that I could’ve done something better as a leader? Yes. But as it is, I don’t really have a lot of regrets.

My best day is a day I feel like I’ve really helped someone, which is almost every day. How lucky am I to be able to say that? I still wake up each morning with a fire in my belly. I’ve done this work for so long and somehow, I still have passion every day. I’m proud of the organization that has been built by those before me and alongside me, and of the relationships that have buoyed my professional career dedicated to supporting survivors of sexual assault and domestic violence.

This Moment in Time Matters

In this article and in life, I prefer sharing the mission and the work we do at SafeHouse over talking about myself. What’s most important for people to know is that violence and abuse isn’t just a women’s issue; it’s everyone’s issue. We need to continue to support resources to address violence in our community, or it will get worse. Assault and violence especially impact people with low income, people of color, and people with immigrant status — people who are already having a tougher time in our society. Right now, we’re feeling the heat of the violent history of Black people being unfairly targeted. Widespread racial injustice and violence play directly into the domestic violence and sexual assault that Black and Latina women experience. SafeHouse Center and our 2020 Men’s Campaign cochairs are asking men across our community to become allies against domestic and sexual violence. Use your voice to promote healthy and respectful attitudes and behaviors, and speak up against systems that have allowed violence to continue. Violence knows no boundaries and change can only come when we work together.

The Men’s Campaign is running now until the end of August. The men who donate to SafeHouse during this time get a listing in an ad in the Observer. It’s our way of saying they stand with survivors and with what we do at SafeHouse.

To learn more, visit www.safehousecenter. org/2020menscampaign.

We have specific services at SafeHouse to help. We believe in equity at SafeHouse. We know that equity looks different for white or abled women. We dedicate more and/or different resources for women of all backgrounds and abilities.

From now until August, we’re running our 2020 Men’s Campaign. This is an initiative to get men more involved in our mission to help survivors and educate the community to prevent domestic violence and assault before it even happens. (See the “2020 Men’s Campaign” information box.)

Through my service to this community, I’ve seen the shocking disparity between how people can be so incredibly cruel and others so incredibly generous. It’s unbelievable to me that humans can be on two totally different ends of the spectrum; I see this every day in my job. But I choose to focus on acts of generosity and love.

One day I was in our lobby and a survivor walked in and said, “I’m here because I have a little money left over after paying my bills.” It was clear that she worked as waitstaff as she handed me singles, fives, and change out of her pocket. She said, “You changed my life, and I felt like I needed to give back.” Gestures like that give me the hope to come back tomorrow.

With a passion for marketing that started as a young girl, Marji Wisniewski created her own marketing and communications organization in 2017. As owner of Blue Zebra Marketing Solutions, she helps local and regional businesses and non-profits tell their story through branding, graphic design, content creation and PR; focusing on customized solutions for each client that are more unique than a zebra’s stripes.

A Michigan native, Marji received her undergrad from Western Michigan University and master’s from Wayne State University. When not working you can find her gardening, doing Pilates, listening to podcasts, and spending time with her family and two dogs.