The Brick Magazine March 2019

BRICK

THE

MARCH 2019

MAGAZINE

ANN ARBOR

WHEN YOUR BODY IS ON THE LINE DISCOVERING YOUR DECOR DESIRES TINDER IS THE NIGHT

PLUS! EVOLUTION OF A GIRL WRITER

Nadine Burns

RISE UP AND TRANSFORM YOUR FINANCIAL LIFE

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THE

BRICK MAGAZINE

MARCH 2019

8

Have Less, Know More About Yourself: How Minimalism Can Uncover Your Deepest Desires

12

RISE UP and Transform your financial life with Nadine Burns

18

Your Body Is On the Line

20

For Personal & Planetary Thriving Ever Asked Your Body to Tell You More?

22

Discovering Your Decor Desires “Tell Me More”

26

Making It Saucy

30

There’s Always More to the Story

32

Evolution of a Girl Writer

34

Weaving America’s Fabric

36

The Lure of “Tell Me More” How Gossip Affect Us

38

What Happens When Dieting and Intuition Collide

40

Comfort Measures

42

Love Actually Tinder is the Night

46

Tell Me More

48

Woman on the Street Writing My Way Home, Again (Jeez!)

Publisher • Sarah Whitsett

Assistant to the Publisher • Tanja MacKenzie

Art Director • Jennifer Knutson

Copy Editor • Angelina Bielby

Marketing Director • Steve DeBruler

CONTENTS

Online Creative • Bridget Baker Cover Photographer • Amber Marie Photography

Contributors >>

<< Bridget Baker Morella Devost Kristen Domingue Tiffany Edison Jillian Fraioli

<<

Stephanie Freybler Heather Glidden Juna Guetter Marilyn Pellini Lisa Profera

Joan Ridsel Tanja Rohn-MacKenzie Stephanie Saline Maria Sylvester Anna Wilking

Contact Us >>

The Brick Magazine, LLC 734.221.5767 Email: office@thebrickmagazine.com Visit us on the web at thebrickmagazine.com

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Advertising Inquires >> email office@thebrickmagazine.com or call 734.221.5767

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Find Us ... >>

Visit us on the web at thebrickmagazine.com to view our online digital edition, locations on where to find us, or subscribe to have THE BRICK MAGAZINE delivered directly to your home.

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The Brick Magazine >>

THE BRICK MAGAZINE makes every effort to provide accurate information in advertising, editorial content and placement; however, we cannot make any claims as to the accuracy of information provided by advertisers or editorial contributors and will accept no responsibility or liability for inaccurate information or placement. No content can be duplicated without the permission of The Brick Magazine, LLC

6 | The Brick Magazine

R E F L E C T YO U R L I F E ST Y L E .

Birch Design Associates specializes in residential and commercial interiors. www.birchdesignassociates.com March 2019 |

7

Have Less, Know More About Yourself: How Minimalism Can Uncover Your Deepest Desires

by Bridget Baker Photo by Green Chameleon

8 | The Brick Magazine

W

hen I was young, I wanted to be a ballerina… and a biologist, a window dresser, a fashion stylist, a newspaper columnist, a movie star, and a world traveler. Anything and everything seemed possible. I had no fears or concerns about how any of these dreams would come true. I was in the place of pure, unadulterated desire for more. I had passion, and I wanted to have it all.

As I got older, it became clear that if I chose one dream, I may not be able to choose another. The focus and commitment it took to fulfill a goal would have my calendar booked, thus having to choose between one dream or another. Some passions rose to the top, others fell away. The illusion I was promised of “having it all” had practical considerations, and I picked a lane and stayed in it.

The path I chose at age nine was to be a professional ballerina. I knew what I wanted, and I had a supportive family to make that goal possible. I was committed, disciplined, and loved it so much that all the pain, heartbreak, and work that came along with it were worth it. I had no other dreams once I chose that one. The pursuit of a dance career left me with little room for much else.

I had to grow up quickly, as it’s a highly competitive field, and I wanted to excel.

I had a brief but successful career as a dancer. I loved what I did, but somehow, my life felt unfulfilling. That committed and devoted life felt, at times, sheltered. I missed what it felt like to just play, and have “free time.” The stress and pressure left me feeling emotionally drained, and I felt like this must not be all there was. I longed for more. More of what, I had no idea.

March 2019 | 9

Photo by Samuel Austin

What I didn’t even know I was missing became clear when my dance career ended. I stopped dancing due to an injury, and then I began to explore the possibilities again.

I went to college and each semester tried on a different major. I knew that the decision to stop dancing gave me access to what I wanted; I wanted MORE. I thought having more would give me greater satisfaction. I thought being able to multi-task and work three different jobs while I was going to school would give me even more fulfillment. But at the end of each day, I just felt exhausted.

This quest for more left me feeling less than. I would never “get there.” There would always be some new hurdle to overcome. I did not know what it felt like to just be and to be satisfied.

Realizing once again, only this time in adulthood, that having it all may not be about doing everything, I began to pare down. Maybe it was about choosing fewer things and focusing on those. I took a break and just chose to work, to build relationships, and to enjoy my life. A personal 10 | The Brick Magazine

growth phase spurred by various workshops, yoga, meditation, and dancing — just for fun — brought me back to myself and made me think about what I wanted.

What was I waiting for? My life was not about the “someday” goals, like when or if I got a degree, or when I made more money, had a relationship, etc… What if this was all there was? What if it did not get any better than this? Could I still be satisfied?

Through focusing on being present in my yoga practice, I learned to soak in the totality of a moment. What may have seemed boring to me before was now a smorgasbord of sights, sounds, smells, and colors. I just had to hone in, breathe, and be present to all that was around me. I had to be grateful for what I had already accomplished, and to stop looking for more when what I already had in life was pretty fantastic.

Fast forward years later, and the old habits of looking

Photo by Jesse Bowser

for more crept back in. I wanted to travel more, even if it meant getting into debt. I wanted to learn more, even if I couldn’t afford it. More even meant buying a house I couldn’t afford at a time when zero-down mortgages were available. I thought if I had a bigger house, then I’d be happier. I’d have more room to do more of what I wanted, and that feeling of emptiness that had crept back in would go away. I didn’t feel more abundant and fulfilled though. I felt like I just kept needing more.

I dismantled my life and moved across the country — multiple times — to find out what my life would look like if I stripped away all I had created. I lived out of a suitcase and subletted apartments, just to see what I really wanted beyond all of the physical items and the lifestyle I had identified with. What would truly give me meaning?

Now, after minimizing my possessions, I live full-time in a travel trailer with my husband and dog in just 200 square feet. I have pared away all of the furniture, and the physical

items that I thought brought me value, and have learned that what brings me so much more is a life focused on less. The saying “less is more” applies here, and I invite you to find out more about yourself by looking at where you could live with less.

Have you accumulated so much stuff that it is getting in the way of who you truly are? Is your clutter hiding dreams you’ve left unfulfilled? Try paring away the nonessentials, to find out more about who you are, so your life can feel fulfilling, no matter how much you have.

Bridget Baker branding consultant and website designer online creative for the brick magazine productivity hacker | digital nomad freelance blogger | minimalist adventurer speaker bridgetbakermojo.com | travellightlife.com my mission: be clear. be simple. be you!

March 2019 | 11

Photo by Amber Marie Photography

12 | The Brick Magazine

RISE UP and Transform Your Financial Life with Nadine Burns

by Kristen Domingue Sponsored by: A New Path Financial Photos by Amber Marie Photography

Our interview with Nadine Burns reminded us of how we can all use someone we trust when it comes to talking about money. In Nadine, we found that someone - someone who doesn’t judge, someone who has your dreams and your present moment in mind at all times, and someone who’s been where you are now and came out on the other side.

She’s the good cop and the bad cop all rolled into one so the money you may make is there for you when you need it. It feels good to not have to think about it alone.

W

hen I thought about what I wanted to share in this interview, I thought about how as a young kid, I did budgets. I did my first budget at twelve years old to get a ten-speed bike that I really wanted. My parents didn’t believe in allowances. So I earned the money for it on my own.

But doing budgets wasn’t the meaningful thing that drove me to become who I am or start the business I have.

It wasn’t the thing that “made me happen.” The truth is, I’ve always been really engaged financially, even when so many women around me weren’t. Like every woman, I’ve gone through transitions in life and wondered (then planned) how would I get through it financially.

There were a lot of reasons I started my firm, but one

of the biggest reasons I created A New Path Financial is because I saw a gaping hole in the way women received financial support. There wasn’t anything that supported women’s financial growth given the journey they have through life that’s very different than a male’s path.

Women’s lives have major financial inflection points that often compromise their financial future including: • Birth and child-rearing, which can interrupt earning potential mid-career • Caring for elderly parents financially or physically, which can compromise savings mid-career or pre-retirement.

• Divorce, in which they may lose access to joint resources and require a life restructure.

March 2019 | 13

There are many experiences that can compromise a woman’s financial future that men don’t have to think about in the same way. I wanted to create a place where women could ask about these, plan for these, and overcome these without the embarrassment or shame of not knowing what to ask or feeling like they didn’t have enough. .

On Pursuing a Woman’s Vision on a Woman’s Terms If you haven’t noticed, all the big firms are named after men. They’re run in a masculine way. They’re about shaping a person’s financial world in the owner’s image, according to their investment principles, and about the legacy the founder wanted to leave. But when I started my firm, I knew it needed to be different. Too many women have been badly burned by this type of thinking on behalf of men in the financial world: there isn’t a single

path that everyone follows through life. Nor is there a single investment or planning strategy that fits everyone.

Especially when it comes to women.

Less than 23% of financial advisors are women. And yet we have empathy, creativity, prudence, and all these things that say that we should lead financial conversations.

Instead, the industry has focused on sales over relationships.

In the male-led firms I’ve worked in, the atmosphere is competitive and goal-driven to the exclusion of giving people what they need. I’ve been in the room after a client departs and listened as the advisors laugh or make fun of the client because of how little they have or how little they know. This was unacceptable to me.

This competitive, almost vicious atmosphere is part of why we’ve lost so many talented women in finance. If

Photo by Amber Marie Photography Deb Purcell, MBA, Financial Advisor, Nadine Burns, MBA, CFP®, President/CEO, and Angela Zangarola, MBA, Financial Advisor

14 | The Brick Magazine

FREE CONTINENTAL BREAKFAST... + CHOCOLATE!

PRESENTS

Photo by Amber Marie Photography

there are women in financial services, they’re typically in the banking industry, not starting their own firms.

I wanted more for myself and to give women more. That is why I am in a leadership role with the Financial Planning Association, to mentor women and have an impact on the profession of financial planning.

The Reality of Wealth: It’s in Women’s Hands The reality is that women own more wealth than men in this country today, and are expected to own even more in the coming years. Women live longer and own the wealth from their marriages. Women are also admitted and graduate from college at higher rates than men.

(Author’s note: According to Boston College’s Center on Wealth and Philanthropy, it’s estimated that women will inherit 70% of the generational wealth Baby-Boomers have accumulated. It’s estimated that widows and their daughters will possess two-thirds of the nation’s wealth by 2030.)

As I meet and work with more and more of these women and explain to them the position they’re now in, the question I pose to them is a legacy one: “Now that we have wealth we have more choices. More choices mean greater power. How do we shape the world?”

Being in control of money is something women have whined about, wished for, gone out on strike for, and left marriages for. At the end of the day, it’s the coin that makes the difference.

So I help my clients think through the kind of difference their life makes and the kind of financial impact they want to have.

Bring friends for a chance to win!

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Saturday, March 23

9am–NOON Macomb Community College

University Center, Lecture Hall B 44575 Garfield Rd., Clinton Twp., MI 48038

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Saturday, March 30

9am–NOON Washtenaw Community College Great Lakes Regional Training Center 4800 E. Huron River Dr., Ann Arbor, MI 48105

Get answers to your questions about your finances and your future...

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A New Path Financial is southeast Michigan’s preeminent Financial Planning firm owned by women. We help women going through life transitions to gain clarity during financial uncertainty.

Please register by Friday, March 15: anewpathfinancial.com or call 734.330.2266 Securities offered through Sigma Financial Corporation, Member FINRA/SIPC. Investment advisory services offered through Sigma Planning Corporation, a Registered Investment Advisor.

A New Path Financial is independent of SIGMA Financial Corporation and SPC.

March 2019 | 15

On Being the Financial Good Cop and Bad Cop Women can now invest in women-owned businesses or give charitably to social causes that matter to them. This provides access to opportunity for other women and shapes the world in a more female-inclusive, womancentered way. I always ask my clients about what matters to them most and what kind of world they want to create. Then we talk about how to plan and spend to help create that legacy.

It’s imperative to me that my clients feel empowered by their finances instead of constrained by them. Instead of budgets (or diets - which also sound constraining), I like to talk about Spending Plans (or Eating Plans). In my own life, I make a meal plan on Sundays for the coming week. I have a menu for the week on the refrigerator, and while sometimes I deviate, at least there is a plan. This way, the decision is already made for me and I don’t give into emotions on a whim. It’s the same with a Spending Plan.

Photo by Amber Marie Photography

16 | The Brick Magazine

Today, A New Path Financial has grown to include three female financial advisors in Ann Arbor and Macomb. I called it A New Path Financial because I wanted the firm to meet each client wherever they were in uncertainty and help guide them towards their financial goals.

I’ve found that there are times where finances are confusing to even the most seasoned individuals and questions always arise during times of transition.

We don’t just look at what she can afford for retirement income

Photo by Amber Marie Photography

and where she’s invested in stocks and bonds. We look at what a woman needs holistically. Is she going to need long-term care when she’s 80? Is there Alzheimer’s that runs in the family? What does she care about and do the charitable contributions that make the impact she wants to make sense for her financial position?

We’ve seen many women who don’t have money set aside for their own retirement go out of their way to give charitably or to their kids. In these moments, I act as an emotional backstop so they don’t sabotage their future to feel good about themselves in the present. I tell them that they have permission to say no, to keep that money saved, even if they aren’t using it today and that they can blame it on me.

We greatly admired Nadine’s commitment to transforming women’s financial futures, one woman at a time. It’s this work that will help change the access to capital and opportunity for women everywhere.

We’d like to share that A New Path Financial will host one of the first financial Symposiums for Women and

Wealth on March 23, 2018, at Macomb Community College and on March 30, 2018, at Washtenaw Community College (both in Ann Arbor.) Each event will be a half day of financial education for women from all walks of life and any financial backgrounds.

Nothing will be sold – and yes, there WILL BE CHOCOLATE! A New Path Financial 734.330.2266, 3003 Washtenaw Avenue, Suite 4, Ann Arbor, MI 48104 Securities offered through Sigma Financial Corporation, member FINRA (FINRA.org) and SIPC (SIPC.org).

Investment Advisory services offered through Sigma Planning Corporation, a Registered Investment Advisor. A New Path Financial, LLC is independent of Sigma Financial Corporation and Sigma Planning Corporation.

Kristen M. Domingue is a copywriter and content marketing consultant in the New York City area. When she’s not delivering on client projects, you can find her cooking up something gluten-free or in an internet rabbit hole on entrepreneurship or astrology.

March 2019 | 17

Your Body Is On the Line

by Heather Glidden “How are you doing?”

I

t’s such a simple question, and one that you probably get asked many times each day.

“How is your body feeling? How is your semester going?

What have you been noticing lately? Tell me more!”

The standard answer that most of us give to that question is usually something along the lines of “Oh, I’m fine.”

Maybe if we’re feeling especially chipper that day then it’s “Great!” or if it’s a stressful time, then it’s perhaps “Well, you know…” accompanied by an exasperated eye-roll.

I notice that my clients often need to pause a moment and take stock before they can answer me. I think most of us are frequently so focused on just getting through the day that we may not actually stop and take the time to ask ourselves, “How am I, really?”

One of the delights of working with clients one-on-one is that I get to go deeper with that question every day.

And even then, they usually don’t get the full story until they start moving. As they begin to breathe, to move their

18 | The Brick Magazine

bodies, and to release tension from their muscles, then the real story comes out.

A weekend warrior starts with spine movements and then grunts, “My back has been hurting. I don’t know why I didn’t remember that until just now.”

A grandmother and musician sighs as she grabs a weighted ball, “My hands have been so stiff. Is there anything we can do about that?”

One of my clients who is usually laser-focused keeps doing the same movement long after I’ve cued her to move onto the next one, her eyes glazed over. Finally, she seems to notice she’s in the room again. “I’m sorry I’m so distracted — my son is having trouble in school, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.”

Little by little, as we dig into the deeper “whys” of what’s really going on, we realize that the weekend warrior has been pushing himself far past his limits. He hadn’t even realized how tired he was and how much his body needed rest.

The grandmother remembers she’s simply stopped taking the nutritional supplements that her doctor gave her in the winter to help keep her arthritis in check.

And by bringing her attention back to the exercise again and again, the mother with the struggling son is able to release some of her stress and worry, to have an hour for herself so she can return to her son refreshed and ready to be a better support for him.

One of the things I know as a movement instructor is that our bodies are always patiently trying to get our attention, to remind us of what is truly important, and to bring us into the present moment. It’s one of my jobs to be an advocate for that voice which is so often ignored or unheeded.

But why do we miss these messages from our bodies?

Frequently, it’s simply because we don’t slow down enough to notice them. Especially in a highly academic town like Ann Arbor, it’s easy to go whole days entirely wrapped up in our thoughts as we move from one activity to another.

The other reason is that our bodies often communicate what needs to change through discomfort, and many of us have been taught to push through discomfort. A high pain tolerance is considered a virtue, and frequently we

can miss the quiet voice of the body saying “Something isn’t right here” as we do what we need to do to fulfill our obligations and get ourselves through the day.

But the cost of ignoring this voice can be a burden to our health, our relationships, or even our jobs; when we have unheeded issues, our focus suffers, our mood dips, and we can’t perform at our best.

How can you open the lines of communication if you haven’t listened to your body lately?

To start with, just take a moment and actually feel your body. The best way to do this is by moving — roll your shoulders, take a deep breath, shake your arms and legs.

Take a couple gentle stretches. If you are in a place where you have space, play a song that you enjoy and dance around to it. This is an instant mood-lifter!

Once you’ve moved a little bit, you’ll naturally become more aware of your body. What do you notice? What feels good in your body, and what doesn’t feel so good?

If you notice tension, pain, or discomfort, how long have they been going on? Do you know what causes them?

Be aware that sensations in your body may have causes in your physical condition, but they may also have roots in your nutrition, your emotions, or even your thoughts.

What is your body asking for? If it’s asking for more care, what keeps you from providing that? Often our bodies ask us to reconsider how we are living our lives. That can seem quite inconvenient at the time, but it does open the door to exploring new possibilities that we hadn’t previously considered. Maybe a walk in the morning, a little time for meditation, or scheduling a massage are what your body craves. Or maybe it just needs you to go to bed earlier or schedule fewer commitments.

Like any deep conversation, truly listening to your body may take you to unexpected territory. But again, like any deep conversation, the potential rewards of creating that deep connection are, in my opinion, always worth the risk.

Heather Glidden is the co-owner of JOY, a mind-body movement studio in downtown Ann Arbor. With 15 years of experience as a healing movement specialist, body worker, and integrative life coach, she helps her clients recover from pain and injuries and achieve radiant health. The mission of her studio is to bring more joy to the world by helping people feel great in their bodies. joyannarbor.com/ www.facebook.com/joyfreedominmotion

March 2019 | 19

FOR PERSONAL & PLANETARY THRIVING

Ever Asked Your Body to Tell You More?

W

by Morella Devost, EdM, MA

e have a communication problem when it comes to our health. It’s a communication problem that arises from our mechanistic view of the world and of the body.

In a mechanistic view of health, the body is an apparatus much like a car or a clock. Health issues are seen as a broken part to be fixed; the body breaks 20 | The Brick Magazine

down, just like an old car. The “cure” is to make the symptoms go away.

But a symptom is not a problem. A symptom is a messenger. It brings clear communication that we can receive if we are open to listening… and if we learn how to listen. Viewing symptoms as problems leads to actions that shoot the messenger.

If the symptom is pain, we take a painkiller. If the symptom is acid reflux, we’re prescribed an acid blocker. If the symptom is a growth, we cut it, burn it, or poison it off.

But what happens when instead of shooting the messenger, we ask it to tell us more? What if we get curious about the source of the message and why it exists?

Why exactly is there pain? What’s causing the sensations of burning in the stomach? What environment gave rise to the unwanted growth in this body-ecosystem?

Asking these questions brings you into an automatic paradigm shift. Rather than operating from the point of view that the body inevitably breaks down like a machine, it assumes that there is perfect, inherent wisdom in the body.

Stop to ponder this for a minute so you can tap into the truth of the mind-boggling intelligence that keeps you alive.

Think of how your body was constructed without your mother’s conscious thought, or yours. Feel into the intelligent symphony that digests your food, utilizes nutrients for thousands of cellular functions, and discards chemical toxins. Sit with the absolute magic that happens after you slice your finger in the kitchen. All you really have to do is clean the cut and hold the tissue together with a Band-Aid (or stitches if you were really heavyhanded). There’s a miraculousness in how the microscopic sentries of the body build new cells and repair severed tissues, so that in a couple of days your finger looks and feels like new.

But the richer, more revealing conversation is not the literal one. It’s the conversation that emerges when a listener wants to deeply understand the total humanity of the experience being lived.

This listener asks questions such as: “Hello knee, I can feel you hurting, can you tell me what’s going on for you?

What are the feelings you have about this pain? Where else do we feel these emotions? What are the implications of this situation? What events in our life relate to these feelings present in this symptom?”

There are many other questions you can ask, and the key is to treat it as the deeply caring conversation you’d want to have with your best friend when he or she is hurting.

You ask because you care. You ask to help them gain clarity and help them sort out their feelings.

As a good friend, you don’t join them in a pity party or let them off the hook. You don’t let them remain as victims of the situation, because you know that healing and moving forward requires us all to be our own savior.

This depth of caring and listening can lead to profound transformation, arriving at an understanding so complete that you can turn the point of origin around and transcend the issue. Sometimes it takes time, and sometimes it can be instantaneous, as seen in the hundreds of documented cases of “spontaneous remissions” of seemingly intractable illnesses.

There’s an astounding intelligence driving your body. Why would you want to silence the messages it gives you on a daily basis?

We are lucky to live in an age where we are shedding the limited thinking that only the visible is real. We live in the age of quantum physics and psychoneuroimmunology, which give us evidence that our “invisible” thoughts, beliefs, and emotions do in fact control our “visible” biology. We live in the age of Louise Hay and Anita Moorjani.

When we shoot down our symptom-messengers, we are essentially refusing to tap into the deep wisdom that lays within. We are no different than a child with her fingers in her ears, humming loudly, refusing to listen to a wiser, kinder voice, mistaking it for a pesky one.

To be masters in the paradigm that our body is orchestrated by a vast intelligence, and harness the power over our biology that we already have, we need to start by listening to the many messages our bodies give us on a daily basis.

The answer to healing is to be willing to listen. Seriously.

It may sometimes even require a pen and paper so you can ask questions of your body and, by the act of writing, force your noisy mind to slow down and pay attention.

“Tell me more.”

You can be logical and literal in this exploration, asking questions such as: “Why are you hurting? What’s happened here? How long has this been in place? Is there something I need to explore about my nutrition? Did I do something to bring this about?”

We need to entreat, “tell me more,” and listen with openness and curiosity.

Morella Devost facilitates profound transformation for people who want to thrive in health and life. She has masters degrees in counseling from Columbia University, and is also a Clinical Hypnotherapist, NLP facilitator, and Holistic Health Coach. She is also the host of the Thrive With Morella show. thrivewithmorella.com Facebook: www.facebook.com/ThriveWithMorella

March 2019 | 21

DISCOVERING YOUR DECOR DESIRES

“Tell Me More”

by Tiffany Edison, Principal Designer

Photo by Tiffany Edison

22 | The Brick Magazine

H

ave you ever wished that you could meander through someone’s home while they were not there? (Not as a burglar of course!) For me, this stroll around their rooms would allow me to catch a glimpse of who they truly are, and how they truly live on a daily basis. I have often kidded with my designer colleagues that I could gather so much more pertinent and true information about my client’s personality and preferences if they were not too tidy, clean, and prepared for my visit.

If such a wish were granted, this would actually benefit them throughout our collaboration in the designing of their home spaces!

Whether it be bookcases chock full of books, or a modern art collection, or vibrant colors on the walls, or numerous big screen televisions throughout the home — all of this would set my senses ablaze with pertinent information, which I would use in designing their unique space. I could quickly assess and then capitalize on their sense of style paired with their needs for comfortable living.

Of course, these nuances will ultimately be observed during my initial walkthrough, but it generally takes a bit more time to draw out people’s preferences when they are talking with me for the first time. Ideally, the design process should be an open and honest dialogue in which the client shares their genuine likes and dislikes and their authentic lifestyle rather than some ‘perfect world’ lifestyle.

Unfortunately, it is not uncommon for potential clients to feel threatened by allowing a stranger to come into their private space in order to “evaluate” their home. In my opinion, the client-designer experience should not be threatening. I so badly wish that potential clients knew how I am there to help, not judge them. ”Tell me more” becomes my mantra; it guides the creative process which we engage in together. This allows collaboration in achieving my ever-present goal of ultimately delivering client satisfaction and a home they love living in.

In reality, I don’t get my wish for an unguided and solitary home tour! Here is how this typically unfolds: a client calls and after our brief conversation, we arrange to meet in their home. Once there, I see the obvious — the floor plan, the existing furnishings and such. I also absorb much more of what is going on around me. I lend a keen eye and

may spot a collection, a hobby, a theme, a cumbersome flow, some underutilized space. These observations can’t possibly be touched on in an initial phone conversation.

This in-home walkthrough is essential.

Often a client will reach out as they’re seeking advice with a very specific room or space in mind. Maybe it’s the dining room in need of a drastic overhaul. I say, “Tell me more — what would you really like to see in your dining room?” I draw more out of them by asking, “What time of day would you most likely be utilizing the room — only for eating or also for homework?” The information gathered throughout this exchange sets the foundation for how we approach, tackle, and accomplish the client’s goals.

Years ago, I received a call from a homeowner who had hired an architect and wanted me to complete the interior design portion of the remodel, which was set to include an expansion of the kitchen. This was a wonderful home situated in the woods of Ann Arbor, offering plenty of privacy as well as the convenience of just a short jaunt into the city. At our initial meeting, it was immediately clear that this couple and I were going to get along splendidly. They had a very relaxed nature and open minds as to how this design might take shape. After the home tour, we found ourselves congregating in their large kitchen — which they described as the “heart of the project.” They laid out their desire to have a chef’s kitchen and felt they had no choice but to knock down the wall between their existing kitchen and the screened-in porch (which was rarely used as it was quite dark, thanks to the wooded yard) in order to make way for an even larger kitchen. “Tell me more — are you chefs? Foodies?” Their answer was “No.” I continued, “Are you lacking storage or cabinet space?” Again, they said in unison, “No.” I prodded, “How about entertaining? Do you entertain frequently?”

The answer was, “Only twice a year.”

Hmm… I was grabbing at straws! While I had no visual clues, I asked, “Do you like wine?” to which they both laughed and the wife responded “You’re kidding, right?”

Unfortunately, I was left out of the joke. I stared blankly at them, and a meager “No” squeaked out. She then went on to tell me that they owned a wine and spirits distributing company and that yes — they happened to love wine. I suggested they reconsider a kitchen expansion, as their existing kitchen had plenty of space for their current

March 2019 | 23

Photo by Tiffany Edison

24 | The Brick Magazine

208 S. Ashley Street Ann Arbor, MI 48104 734.665.2314

215 S. Ashley Street Ann Arbor, MI 48104 734.665.2796

threechairs.com • Design services available upon request

needs. Rather, I told them that it might be more beneficial to convert the screened-in porch into a “tasting room” where they could enjoy their extensive wine collection, and perhaps entertain for work purposes as well. They were thrilled and completely on board! The clients, the architect, and I worked diligently to make this vision a reality — a “jewel box” of a space. The project resulted in a room that reflected their true lifestyle.

Many clients enter the design partnership unsure of what they want or need. Others come to me with a clear vision. Sometimes they see this as a very cut-and-dry process and relationship. But it can be so much more with fluid and dynamic conversation. So I continue to say, “Tell me more.” And they do.

Photo by Tiffany Edison

Tiffany Edison has been an interior designer since 2002, and specializes in both residential and commercial projects. She holds a Master of Social Work degree (ACSW) and utilizes interpersonal relationship skills on a daily basis with her client base, largely comprised of Ann Arbor and Metro Detroit residents. She has a wonderfully large blended family residing in the city and enjoying the comforts of home.

When she’s not fully immersed in client projects, you can find her active on the golf course, a favorite pastime. www.birchdesignassociates.com

March 2019 | 25

Making It Saucy

by Jillian Fraioli

26 | The Brick Magazine

M

aking a quick pan reduction sauce is one way I elevate a weeknight meal. However, I hear from people all the time that they think making sauce is “hard.”

Once upon a time, I would have agreed. The “Mother Sauces” were one of the first things I had to perfect in a professional kitchen. These include béchamel, hollandaise, espagnole, veluté, and tomat. The idea behind this learning process is that once you can make these, you can pretty much make anything.

While the art of the sauce has inspired many a chef’s episode on TV, and there are dozens of books out there you can study, I try to dial it down. We can “kick it up a notch” while not keeping our family waiting three hours for dinner. Besides, who has time for that?

Let’s start our sauce journey with a few basic items and some technique. This a guide, rather than a full recipe. Get adventurous, play around, and see what works for you!

Basic Sauce Pantry Items

Photo by Stefan Johnson

•

Stock: Better Than Boullion chicken, beef, and vegetable stock boxes. I’m that person who freezes stock in ice cube trays whenever I make some. That way, I can pop two or three in a sauce or soup for a boost on a whim.

•

Soy sauce & fish sauce: These add umami!

•

Vinegars: White wine, red wine, sherry, balsamic, rice, and cider are all in my pantry. They all have different flavors, but when you need that shock of acid, nothing cuts through like a good vinegar blast.

•

Citrus: Fresh or from 100% citrus concentrate bottles.

•

Tapioca Flour: A nice thickener.

•

Tubes of tomato paste: These keep practically forever in the fridge.

•

Parmesan or Pecorino Romano: Aged cheeses also have the umami saltiness going on, and added at the end of a dish, they can lend brightness and a complexity that might be lacking.

March 2019 | 27

•

Unsalted butter: Thank goodness we don’t beat up on butter anymore, because butter is truly magical.

Adding a few tablespoons of cold butter to a sauce at the end of the cooking adds an emulsifying (thickening) effect and makes your sauce shine.

•

Aromatics: Onions (shallots, leeks), garlic, ginger — these will add depth and complexity to your dishes.

•

Staple spices: Depending on how far you want to go, you can get really fancy. But I try to always have some basics: thyme, marjoram, oregano, cumin, coriander, paprika, black- white- and pink- pepper, a few chilis, cinnamon, fennel. I love spice blends, like herbs de Provence and a good Italian blend.

Master Some Techniques •

Toast your spices: While you can get fancy with dryroasting or making a paste, I just make sure to add my spices to whatever is in the pan (like onions and garlic).

•

Use stock whenever possible: This will immediately add complexity and boost the flavor of your dish.

•

Deglaze your pan: To intensify your flavor, scrape those brown bits, or “fond,” from the bottom of you pan — it’s where the magic lives!

28 | The Brick Magazine

•

Always introduce acid: Remember those vinegars!

•

Know how to thicken something: This could mean anything from using my favorite, tapioca flour, to using pureed vegetables, like cauliflower or parsnips.

•

Finish with COLD butter: Another way to thicken and make a sauce stand out.

•

Always taste and season: Don’t be scared of salt and pepper. If you’re in a house that cannot have salt, look for seasoning blends that tout being good at salt replacement (like Penzy’s spices Mural of Flavor, Sunny Paris, Sunny Spain).

•

Pair your sauces with the right thing: Dark meats like darker sauces, poultry pairs with practically anything, fish likes to be paired with bright, simple, light sauces with plenty of acid.

“You Can’t Go Wrong” Reduction Sauce *this is my go-to, and I use it for a myriad of dishes: chicken piccata, baked or poached chicken breasts, pork chops, pork loin, rib-eye and beef roasts (using red wine and beef stock), cheater “stroganoff” over pasta, and quinoa bakes. Leftovers get used for soup.

Ingredients (Basic Measurements):

8.

Deglaze your pan with your wine, beer, or sherry (approximately 1/2 cup — but I don’t measure, I just splash it in). If you’re in a booze-free home, use a combination of vinegar and citrus instead; you can play around here, but I like a 3:1 vinegar to juice ratio. I also read somewhere you could deglaze with kombucha — and it works! And be sure you’ve gotten those brown bits, you scrape them up during this deglazing process.

9.

Add your bulk liquid. Stock if you have it, or water if you don’t. Water will not ruin your sauce, but it will be thinner and have less flavor, so if you’re using water, I usually reduce by half instead of 1/3 (see step 11).

2 tbsp cooking oil (like olive) 1/2 cup aromatics & 1-2 cloves of garlic 1/4-1/2 cup deglazing liquid 2 cups bulk liquid Up to 1 tbsp spices and finishing herbs 2 tbsp butter, heavy cream, or 1:1 tapioca flour and water for finishing Salt and pepper to taste 1.

Prep your mis en place. This means prepare all your ingredients before you begin. There’s nothing like cooking without things prepped — you’ll inevitably burn something or forget something. Measure your liquids, chop your aromatics and veggies, and have it all ready to go before you begin.

2.

Heat your pan! Never start with a cold pan. Once heated, add 2 tbsp of olive oil. When the olive oil is hot, it will shimmer and make “waves.”

3.

Add the diced onion (shallots, leeks) to the heated oil and cook for 3-5 minutes until the onion turns translucent. If you want a deeper flavor, turn the pan down a little, and take them golden brown.

4.

Add a few pinches of salt. Just do it. Trust.

5.

If you’re adding in other vegetables, add them here; mushrooms, cabbage, celery, and peppers all like to cook longer, and will meld better when added earlier in the process.

6.

Turn your heat to med-low and add your garlic and cook for an additional 1-2 minutes until you can smell the aroma.

7.

Add your spices (and/or your tomato paste). Let these “toast” for another 2 minutes. If you’re not using spices, then add a generous amount of pepper. I usually add another pinch of salt here as well. It wants to combine with the liquid in the next step, and by doing so, it will penetrate the sauce. This means you can use less salt overall, instead of getting to the end and realizing you need way more salt to brighten the dish.

10. Add umami. When I add my bulk liquid, I also add a few splashes of soy sauce or coconut aminos, and a few dashes of fish sauce.

11. Reduce. Once you have everything in the pan, reduce it by a third so all the flavors get happy.

12. Thicken. Here is where you can use a few techniques.

Since I’m usually going for quick, I whisk in 2 tbsp of cold butter. Take the pan off the heat or have it on low, so the butter does not separate from the heat. If you want more of a gravy-like sauce, or something more akin to a thicker pasta sauce, use tapioca flour. Whisk 1 tbsp of tapioca, and add to the sauce with 1 tbsp of COLD water. Simmer this for 3-5 minutes, so it cooks out the “flour” taste. Your sauce should be thick enough to coat the back of a spoon and stick. (If you want to really party, you can also use heavy cream here, just be sure your pan is on very low heat.)

13. Taste and season and add your acid. Taste for salt and pepper. Here is where I’ll add a 1/3-1/2 lemon’s worth of juice, capers if I’m using them (think: chicken piccata), or a vinegar. Start with a few dashes, and build on it as you taste the sauce. Stir between each addition and let it sit for a half a minute or so before tasting and adding more.

14. If I’m adding delicate ingredients, like spinach, arugula, basil, green onion, parsley, or the like, add them here so they don’t turn dark green or cook too far.

15. Finish with Parmesan or Pecorino if you wish, and you’re off to the races!

Jillian moonlights in her own kitchen as Executive Chef. She comes from a long line of at-home chefs, making Sunday sauce and homemade pasta as soon as she was knee-high with Grandma Fraioli. Jillian used to work at such illustrious restaurants such as Emeril’s Fish House in Las Vegas (where she was a Pastry Chef), and both in the front and back of the house of Serafina and Tango in Seattle. She ended her career in restaurants many lives ago, and now supports women-owned businesses. You can follow along with her cats and knitting (and sometimes food), if that’s your jam, on Instagram @yarnologie

March 2019 | 29

There’s Always More to the Story

by Stephanie Freybler

I

am blessed to have my grandma’s old recipe box, complete with her handwritten recipes. I don’t use the recipes often, but I still treasure them.

The other day, as I was looking through the recipe box as I sometimes do, I focused on one recipe card for her strawberry salad. I looked at her familiar, perfect cursive writing. I studied the ingredients, and I looked through the steps that this particular recipe required.

30 | The Brick Magazine

Then, I found myself wondering about the times she made this recipe. Did she make it often? Was it reserved for special events? Perhaps she made it once, and it wasn’t as good as she thought it would be. Maybe it just never made it into the trash. It could be that she made additions or substitutions but never amended the recipe card, because she always remembered how she liked it.

I started pondering what was happening as she wrote this

down. I imagined the entire picture as she was carefully writing out this simple notecard:

She was getting over a cold. She was still not feeling 100%, but much better than she had been. She hoped that my grandpa would be spared from the cold that everyone else in the household got.

Ken and Kathy were playing, for the time being, while my mom, a toddler then, was sitting at her feet, and Lori was napping. The baby was getting over the same cold she had, and she needed a good nap.

A few weeks ago, she found the recipe in a magazine, and she made it for a potluck at their church. She had set the cut-out section aside, meaning to write it down when she had a few minutes. She found it again as she was cleaning off the counters, and she decided to write it down today and cross it off of her to-do list.

Right after she writes in the name “Strawberry Salad,” Ken and Kathy start fighting over a toy. She sets the pen down and goes over to break it up.

Once they’ve been separated, the only solution she really had at that point, she peeked her head in on the sleeping baby then came back to the kitchen table to finish her task.

About halfway through the ingredient list, the toddler at her feet wants to climb onto her lap. Grandma gives her a little hug with an “I love you,” then gets back to work on her recipe card.

It’s a little more difficult to keep her handwriting uniform with a child on her lap, but she moves the notecard a little to the right and is able to do it.

Just before she writes out the instructions, the phone rings. She sets down the pen another time, and she carries my mom on her hip to answer the phone. It’s my grandpa, telling her that he may be late from work tonight.

She sighs; it’s been a long day, and she was looking forward to their evening routine with him home, but there isn’t much she can do about it. As they talk, the toddler wiggles down off of her hip and runs off to find her favorite stuffed animal.

Just then, she hears Lori crying. Naptime is over. She says goodbye to Grandpa and gets the baby out of her bed.

She changes Lori’s diaper and snuggles her a bit while she feeds her her after-nap bottle. While they’re snuggled in on the couch, my mom runs in to ask if Grandma can put a dress on her doll.

She holds the bottle with her cheek and gets the outfit on the baby doll, which had been a gift from my grandma’s mother — my great-grandma.

The older two are now arguing again, and she helps them find a way to compromise and play together before she sets the baby down on a blanket and gets back to her recipe.

She’s finally done with her recipe card, and she tucks it away in the recipe box. Now, it’s time to start dinner.

I don’t know any of the actual details of this strawberry salad. She may have written it down as her kids were teenagers or maybe after she was already a grandma. I’m under no illusion that this is actually how her day went.

Nevertheless, this what I saw as I looked at her handwritten recipe for strawberry salad. As I envisioned her day, I enjoyed seeing her as a mom similar to myself, with all of the moments that are tucked into each task completed.

I’d love to know the actual story behind it, although I’m certain she wouldn’t remember the details of that day, even if she were here for me to ask.

Her days were probably not unlike my own, full of trying moments as well as heartwarming ones. Just like I do, she got things done while other little moments happened around her. She reacted accordingly and went about her day, just like I do.

Each moment of our lives has a different dynamic to it — how we’re feeling, what we’re thinking, what’s going on around us. Each of those things is so very real and important as we’re doing them.

Then, those little details fade into the background to be forgotten.

Behind every memory that we hold onto, there is so much more to the story.

Stephanie Freybler is a stay-at-home mom of five kids. She writes about embracing imperfection and getting rid of “mom guilt” on her blog at www. racingelephants.com. She’s been published on the blog Her View From Home. She embraces personal growth, and tries to see things with a sense of humor. www.facebook.com/RacingElephantsBlog/?ref=bookmarks www.instagram.com/steph_racingelephantsblog/ twitter.com/ElephantsRacing

March 2019 | 31

Evolution of a Girl Writer

by Juna Guetter

Photo by hannah-olinger

W

hen I was a young girl, I loved words. In first grade I thought the word “girl” was so cool because you could spell it “g-i-r-l” OR “g-r-i-l” and it could mean a “young lady” or a “barbeque” and grownups had to figure out what you meant. You could just move letters around. Writing was so playful for me.

“I can touch the trees, I can touch the sky, I can touch everything that is so high.” ~ Age 7

In those carefree days, as soon as I’d come home from school, I’d run to my big sheets of paper, sprawl myself on the living room floor with the box of 64 Crayola crayons I shared with my sister and draw flowers. Well, it was the ‘60s, after all. My vast imagination supplied me with images of flowers I never saw before until I drew them.

Clouds could be white and they also could be blue. Did you know that?

By age fourteen, poetry saved my life. Tiny inky squiggles drying over vast white beaches of paper became my private sanctuary where I could go to try to make sense of the mad world within and around me. A space of peace that transmuted my innocence lost into something more beautiful. Poetry danced my overwhelming sadness, my broken heart, my ebullient joy, my restless spirit and swirled it until the pain and insanity of my inner drama would subside...at least for a while.

Believing in six impossible things before breakfast, I’d grab some more paper to write poems. I’d look out my bedroom window or wonder about the day and poems would rush out of me. It was magic! And my poems rhymed. See?

32 | The Brick Magazine

And then, on to the next poem. And of course, I’d draw pictures to go with it.

Looking back, I cringe at the sweetness and the pain of that time. Such a heavy burden, this coming of age. To be sure, my heart smiles for that budding young woman who

read other’s poetry and theorized, much like the spelling of “g-i-r-l,” that great poetry was just a crazy patchwork quilt of words that didn’t have to make sense. It was up to the reader to decipher the meaning. And now, just because it was a poem, didn’t mean it had to rhyme.

poorly-written should never have gotten an “A” in a fourth-year University course. Forget about discussing what I thought were my great ideas. I’ve finally been able to write a strong argument that actually makes a point, and now it’s about the grammar?

I can taste piano keys The music’s so good Because the sound Of black and white smoothness Makes love a melody Just as love makes me ~ Age 14

Which takes me to the present moment. Well, not quite yet. A few years ago, I got hired by a company to write copy for their course content. My employer said I didn’t have to know how to write copy, I just had to write well.

I wrote for them for about six months and then realized I needed more help, and actually quit before fearing they might fire me.

Four years later, I was a new mother at age eighteen and enrolled in a Michigan liberal arts college. At the second mid-term, I was to write a paper for Philosophy 101. It was then that I reached back into my teenaged cache of words to keep me from the dread of writing a boring term paper. I didn’t overtly ask my professor to tell me more, but implicit in the agreement of enrolling in a course is the permission for him to do so. What he scribbled on the back page of my finely crafted paper went something like this: “Too sing-songy — I have no idea what you are saying here.” Suffice it to say, those words cut like a knife. It took me years to get over it. You mean you can’t just string a bunch of philosophic-sounding words together in varied and interesting ways and not get an “A?”

All of this led me to take an online course on copywriting: The Copy Cure, by Marie Forleo. That course exemplified the importance of writing business copy that “connects and converts.” When I first put these tools of copywriting into action, I sent out an email that brought in $9,000 worth of business in one shot! Note to self: knowing grammar and writing well is worth pursuing after all!

Fast forward ten full years of child-raising, moving three times and going back to university in Canada to finish my honors BA. Near the end of fourth year, I wrote one paper I was particularly proud of — one that my professor slapped a big letter “A” on.

That was all I needed to muster the courage to show it to my father, a retired English teacher. Smiling inside, I was brimming with pride and the proof that I finally wrote a paper that said something of substance! Funnily enough, I can’t remember that substance now, but hoped it would be the catalyst to spark a much-desired conversation with my dad.

Would he tell me more? Would he tell me what an amazing writer and thinker I am? Could we have an adult conversation about something that mattered to me?

After reading it through, my dad handed the paper back without a word, as if he were my teacher back in high school. I couldn’t help but gasp aloud, irked that he corrected all the grammatical errors with a pen! No matter how I tried to engage him in a conversation about the content, he just groaned. All he could offer upon further pressing was a rant about a paper this

As Søren Kierkegaard once said, “Life must be lived forwards, but can only be understood backwards.” As I seek to understand my evolution as a girl writer, I choose to embrace my inner seven-year-old who had no shortage of the joy of writing before she knew the rules. I choose to lean into the comfort of expressing my thoughts and feelings in the oceanic depths of the safe space of a first draft. And finally, I immerse myself in the satisfaction when my tiny black squiggles on a page connect and influence a person to action, inspiration, or a new way of thinking. In other words, if I have anything to say to myself and you about what I learned on the evolutionary path of being a girl writer, it is to get, from deep in your bones, the power of a well-crafted written work that inspires, moves, connects, and changes things.

The whole world is like a blank page begging you to say more, sing more, be more! To be the gift you are in your unique way. My art just happens to be writing, for the moment. What’s yours?

Juna Guetter is a Michigander at heart, born in Grand Rapids and living there until her early twenties. Raising her family and living and working in Canada for the last 35 years, she’s the proud owner of Synergy In Motion, a coaching business that helps people bring their sparkle back. Right about now, she’s eager to get on the road and travel North America in her 25’ Airstream with her partner, two dogs, and gypsy cat, Nikita. What does she want more than diamonds? For you to know that you are a gift and an untapped resource for the changes you’ve been seeking. www. SynergyInMotion.info

March 2019 | 33

Weaving Americaâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Fabric

by Marilyn A. Pellini

I

was always begging to hear more about my family history. Both my parents were born in this country, but their folks came from Italy and understood little English. There wasnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t all that much they could pass on to me because of this language barrier, but here is what I have recorded for future generations. Being an era of information accessibility, Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m hoping my children will want to hear more and pursue their history further through the Internet and DNA.

34 | The Brick Magazine

Photo by Paul Dufour

It took but a moment to descend the gangplank of The Hindoustan and alter the lives of an entire generation to come. The Romanos arrived in America as new immigrants in the late 1800s. They came for the same reasons everyone else did: to behold the streets paved with gold and achieve their own golden dreams. They settled in Providence, Rhode Island where they had relatives and friends who had emigrated from the same area of Italy.

Eraclio, the patriarch, found it necessary to hold multiple

jobs in order to establish himself in his new homeland. One of his jobs, as a day laborer, required him to walk five miles each way to and from his work tending the grounds in Roger Williams Park. At the same time, he worked nights as a janitor and unloaded barges in the harbor on weekends.

Soon after arriving in America with his wife Rosa, children began arriving to add to their household. Firstborn was Anthony, next came Caesar, followed by Robert, Alexander, and a baby girl, Laura. Two of the boys were named for well-known Italian conquerors. After so many boys, the baby girl simply got a name that pleased her mother. The boys, being much older than their little sister, were taught to do every household chore. One of Alex’s jobs was to make handkerchiefs out of old sheets. This required him to learn all the workings of a pedal-operated sewing machine.

As the oldest son, Anthony’s responsibilities included tilling, planting, weeding, and harvesting the garden. Every member of the family contributed in ways benefiting all.

Eraclio knew that the key to success for his children lay in education. He began to work towards this goal when they were very young. Rosa was a mother who scrimped and saved, and soon they were able to purchase a threestory tenement house. They lived in one flat and rented the others. Eventually, there was enough money to buy another house on their block. The first floor of that building housed a corner store, and Eraclio opened a neighborhood bar and grill, which was highly successful. Through the ensuing years, he reminded his children constantly they were expected to excel in their studies so they would be accepted to college one day. That’s just what they all did!

The first boy, Anthony, was admitted to Brown University.

His musical ear enabled him to successfully teach himself to play the violin, and his parents struggled to provide him with just a few professional lessons. His playing was so exceptional, he was invited to play at his Brown University graduation, unheard of at that time for a first-generation American. He distinguished himself enough at Brown to be accepted to Jefferson Medical School. While studying there, he auditioned to play with Guy Lombardo’s band and was accepted, but decided his true calling was medicine and he planned to return home and minister to the needs of “his” people back in the old neighborhood. It was said that if he had taken a dime for every baby he delivered instead of a chicken, he would have been a rich man. During the Depression, he considered it a good day when he didn’t have to lay out money from his own pocket for a family

who needed medicine and food. Of course, his fee was never a consideration.

The next son, Caesar, became a pharmacist. Although he too wanted to be a doctor, there was just not enough money for him to attend medical school. Robert became a prestigious artist, graduating from Rhode Island School of Design on a full scholarship, which provided funds sufficient to complete undergraduate work and a master’s degree. Alexander also yearned to follow his oldest brother into medicine, but he too had to settle for a career in pharmacy because of money constraints. The boys did not ever complain though, and seemed happy with their career choices. The daughter, Laura, received a business school education at a time when few women were able to achieve higher education.

These immigrants raised their family out of the poverty they experienced when first arriving in this country; they became the ultimate example of what might be accomplished with an education and hard work. Their children held the dream of America’s bounty in their hands and utilized it to the fullest. They gave their unique heritage, skills, time, and caring to the community. Their inspiration and dedication helped the neighborhood, their city, and the state to grow to be one integral part of what they loved — the United States of America.

Eraclio and Rosa’s grandchildren achieved the glories of second-generation immigrants. Two became lawyers, three pharmacists, an artist, an elementary school principal, and a teacher. The ideals instilled by their forefathers when they became new citizens have filtered down and are sure to be carried on by the next generation coming of age.

Let’s keep devouring our family history. Let’s pay it forward. We come from the far corners, and have contributed much. Let us never forget to talk about, ask about, and revere our origins.

Marilyn Pellini is the author of a new book, Dear Al, A Widow’s Struggles and Remembrances. She has also had pieces in the magazines Bay State Parent, Westchester Parent, and On The Water.

This year, she took first place in a writing contest sponsored by The N.Y. State Federation of Women’s Clubs. She is a native of Providence, R.I. and attended the University of Rhode Island. She currently lives in Katonah, N.Y.

March 2019 | 35

The Lure of ‘Tell Me More’ How Gossip Affects Us

by Lisa Profera MD

Photo by Ben White

T

here’s something about a bit of juicy gossip that catches our attention. Why does it give us pleasure to talk about others? We, as humans, are social beings. We have been hard-wired for gossip since early evolution.

Social interactions and group dynamics were key to the survival of early man tens of thousands of years ago. Primitive man formed social groups for hunting, 36 | The Brick Magazine

foraging, and protection. Who is contributing to the group compared to who is not has been a key dynamic throughout history. Just watch a few episodes of the popular reality show, Survivor, and you’ll see what I mean.

At the end of each episode, someone is voted out of the tribe and the flame of their torch (representing life) is symbolically extinguished at the end of tribal council.

Today, we lean into information about others. It pervades

through the gamut of media sources we’re exposed to on a daily basis. It exists in the home, the office, the gym, the classroom; it is ubiquitous. A research team at the University of Amsterdam found that 90% of total office conversation qualifies as gossip. Another study conducted at the Georgia Institute of Technology found that gossip made up 15% of office email content.

There is a biochemical reason why we thrive on gossip. The lure of whispering secrets can be irresistible. Studies have shown that the hormone oxytocin is released from our pituitary gland when we engage in gossip. Measurable increases in salivary levels of oxytocin have been demonstrated in women exposed to a gossip conversation. When the same group of women were engaged in a neutral (non-gossip) conversation the next day, their oxytocin levels were not elevated. The statistically significant difference in oxytocin levels may “represent a potential hormonal correlate of gossip behavior” according to a study published in Psychoneuroendocrinology (March 2017).

You may have heard of oxytocin as “the love hormone” or the “cuddle hormone.” Produced and released by the hypothalamus, this hormone is responsible for a variety of physical and psychological effects. It’s released during intimate contact, infatuation, love, and the bonding between mother and baby (especially during breastfeeding). It modulates social and emotional responses. Oxytocin levels are generally higher in women than in men. Women can be powerful spreaders of gossip, and also be its most vulnerable targets.

“Studies show that women use far more words during the day than men do, and, especially woman-to-woman, those words tend to be personal.” Sharing intimate tidbits of information can bond women together emotionally.

Women tend to bond over feelings, men tend to bond over activities and things. Differences in the way men and women communicate translates into differences in gossip style. These feelings of social bonding are cemented in our psyche by the hormone oxytocin.

Feelings embedded in our brains can be construed as positive or negative. Gossip can elevate a person to a

position of power, admiration, and respect in the eyes of others. One can feel empathy, envy, or fear of another in a different circumstance. And then there’s the oddly complex feeling of pleasure when hearing of another’s misfortune, known as schadenfreude (a German word meaning “harm-joy”). A 2011 study by Cikara and colleagues using functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) examined schadenfreude among Boston Red Sox and New York Yankees fans, and found that fans showed increased activation in brain areas correlated with self-reported pleasure (ventral striatum or reward center) when observing the rival team experience a negative outcome (e.g., a strikeout). By contrast, fans exhibited increased activation in the anterior cingulate and insula when viewing their own team experience a negative outcome.

These deeper areas of the brain are involved with the processing of emotion and problem-solving.

Why do we love to gossip so much? Just blame the love hormone! The lure of “tell me more” is just too hard to resist. Being “in the know” versus being excluded is not only seductive, it is linked to survival in the social group.

The next time you are tempted to engage in gossip, think of your Miranda rights — anything you say can and will be used against you. As humans, we are hard-wired for gossip, like it or not.

Lisa is a doTERRA Wellness Advocate and Educator Follow Dr. Lisa on Facebook by searching for Dr. Lisa’s Essential Oils Forum or on Instagram as youressentialoilsdoctor.

You can contact Dr. Lisa at drprofera@gmail.com.

March 2019 | 37

What Happens When Dieting and Intuition Collide “Remember, you have been criticizing yourself for years and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.”

— Louise Hay

D

by Joan Ridsdel

id you make a New Year’s resolution to lose weight and get fit in 2019? I must admit that it was tempting to go back to dieting after seeing a flurry of new weight-loss advertisements and programs on TV as soon as January 1st arrived.

When I gained weight or stayed the same, it was the opposite. Our meetings were often spent preparing ourselves for these inevitable moments — overeating foods on the “bad” list that would make us lose our minds and take away our ability to stop at just one bite.

The promise of weight loss by simply following a “reimagined program” that helps us on our way, fits our lifestyle, and has everything we need to succeed is enticing. Special promotions, pre-packaged food, and the lure of being able to “fix” our bodies just by “clean” or “healthy” eating is tempting.

We left each meeting with a plan to “save” us from ourselves. We were ready to defeat our inner gremlins and become assertive ninjas when pushed to eat more than our points or calories would allow. Or, we felt ashamed that our bodies would betray us with weight gain as we ate with wild abandon.

There’s a reason why there are about 9,510,000 results on Google when I asked for help with “falling off the diet wagon,” or wondered “how do I get back on track,” and about 123,000,000 results when I entered “can’t stick to a diet.”

Diets don’t work, and dieting sets us up for failure. As a member of a weight-loss group, I attended a weekly meeting. When I lost weight, I loved how unstoppable I felt; I was in control of my life and my body seemed to change at my will.

38 | The Brick Magazine

How many times have you promised yourself you’d “stay on track” or joined a weight-loss program, swearing this was the last time?

How many times have you “fallen off the wagon” the minute you’ve eaten or drank more than you wanted to?

How many times have you sworn to start over and stick to your points or calories on Monday? Or after New Year’s?

After your birthday? If you’re like me, far too many!

I can’t say that ditching dieting was a quick process or that learning to respect and love my body has been as easy as pie! But I can tell you that as I look back on my life and reflect on my dieting past, I’m so glad I stepped off that roller coaster and began searching for a saner, more satisfying way to live and be.

When I realized I could stop dieting and learn to eat and live intuitively, I wondered: how could someone like me, who had been dieting for over 40 years, possibly change the way I felt about my body without dieting and the promise of weight loss? Food and body freedom seemed like a pipe dream meant for others to achieve, not me!

And yet, here I am. More and more enjoying my life, knowing that I control food, that food does not control me.

I recently met with a small group of women to talk about learning to eat more mindfully and intuitively. We shared our dieting stories, and although some of the details were unique, the essence of how we felt about our bodies and the lack of control over weight (gains and losses) was the same. We were experts in how to trick our bodies into becoming smaller and frustrated with biology that refused to bow to our demands.

One group member shared that her dieting history began at an early age. She, like most of us in the group, had tried diet and after diet only to find that weight kept reappearing. The number on the scale never seemed to stay where she wanted it to be.

As I talked about how our intuition can change our perspective, she mentioned that she recently decided to suspend dieting and started paying attention to how her body felt before, during, and after eating.

She sighed deeply as she acknowledged that she was tired of fighting with her body. Beginning to feel good about herself, she was amazed that her body size or number on the scale was beginning to fade in importance. She was on her way to creating a healthy relationship with food and reconnecting with her body.

You know you’re ready to ditch dieting and start eating and living intuitively when: 4 You are at the end of your rope with dieting — no matter how much you restrict, exercise, or stick to a diet plan, those stubborn pounds refuse to budge 4 Your inner rebel puts up a good fight and stops you when you “should” be counting your points or tracking your food in MyFitnessPal

4 You have a sneaking suspicion that reaching the pinnacle of happiness might not have anything to do with losing weight 4 You’ve lost weight and are still frightened of food, of eating too much, or of not exercising enough 4 Your pattern of turning to food to soothe your feelings and manage your life hasn’t changed whether you’ve lost weight or not How has worrying about your weight influenced your self-worth, your activities, and how you’ve lived your life?

If you’re teetering on the brink of jumping off the diet roller coaster but need a gentle nudge, consider these coaching questions to help you decide: 1.

What activities would you enjoy doing if dieting was no longer your master?

2.

If you took weight off the table, how would you nourish you and your body differently?

3.

If you stopped thinking about dieting, what would you begin thinking about — what positive thoughts would fill your mind?

4.

How will you feed your feelings without using food?

5.

Who can you count on to support you?

You deserve to live your life fully and completely at whatever size or weight you are now. By learning to live and eat in a more intuitive and mindful way, you can have a healthy relationship with food and become exquisitely comfortable in your body.

Wondering where to start on this journey? There’s no need to travel on your own. I recommend professional coaching or counselling with someone familiar with the principles of intuitive eating to help you get started on your journey to self-discovery, self-compassion, and selfrespect for you and your body.

Joan Ridsdel is an Erickson Certified Professional Coach, registered social worker, and the founder and creator of W.I.S.E.R. Woman Coaching and Personal Development. (W.I.S.E.R. = Wisdom, Intuition, Self-compassion, Energy, Resilience) Specializing in private and small-group coaching, Joan partners with women to help them stop dieting, create a healthy relationship with food, and become deliciously comfortable in their bodies. Through her coaching program, Join the Journey, Joan guides women to make WISER Choices to become experts in their own self-care that leads to creating the life they crave. www.joanridsdel.com www.facebook.com/joanridsdelcoaching

March 2019 | 39

Comfort Measures

by Tanja Rohn-MacKenzie

I

’ve paused what I’m watching to sort my burgeoning thoughts out on paper. I’m hardly ever blown away by things I watch or read. Today is one of those rare days.

I’m watching a talk by Stephen Jenkinson, a Canadian man with something big to say about death and dying in our culture. I hope I can capture here some of what he has to say. My thoughts are now completely intertwined with his.

I am grateful for this new awareness.

‘Advanced directives’ is a term that describes the preparation that goes into an expected death in our society. What’s the plan? Resuscitation? Cremation? This applies to my life right now as I’m effectively waiting for my grandma to degrade in her clinical condition and die.

Don’t be shocked. She’s waiting too.

She doesn’t feel she is a contribution. She is no longer “competent” to make any decisions. I’m the one choosing the Easter candy for the great-grandchildren and letting

40 | The Brick Magazine

the nursing staff know her sock-wearing preferences.

I’m the one communicating my grandmother’s needs for an actual hairstyle. No one else is noting her need for an afternoon nap in a real bed. Instead, she is left in the hallway in a wheelchair to pass out, quietly greeting the other family members getting off the elevator.

Let’s question a very basic assumption that our culture has: the idea that we need to keep being a contribution, a productive member, or someone who’s DOING things for ourselves as the measure of “living.” Why can’t we just be “dying?” What does that look like? Well, no one really knows what dying well looks like, because it’s not openly encouraged. And it’s rarely spoken of, because it’s scary as hell.

Part poet, part activist, part a lot-of-things, Stephen Jenkinson asks, “What is this addiction to competence?”

Why are we measuring and still aiming for competence in our 90-year-olds? Why do we need them to do thriceweekly physio and then group “exercise” on the other

days? Why are we prolonging death so vigorously? Very simply, our culture lives in constant fear of death.

Left to her own devices, I think my grandmother would choose to be home alone and simply stop eating. She would lay in bed, eventually turn off CNN, and sometime later be too weak to reach her glass of water — if she were alone.

But she is not. She is surrounded by a culture that refuses to let her die. The fear of death is so pervasive we are absolutely blind to how systemic death-phobia really is. Her small family group has almost no choice but to follow the prescribed and dusty, pot-holed routes set before us. I feel hamstrung by a typical nursing home situation in which she does not live, but merely survives. It’s the next expected step once you cannot, to use the lingo, “toilet” yourself.

Many everyday things, the routines prolonging her life, really bug me. The food she is offered but does not eat, the nursing staff that changes daily adding to her confusion, and the cheap, aged bedding tucked under the rails of her hospital-issue mattress. I feel guilty that I cannot give her what I can reasonably guess she REALLY wants. Gravy and mashed potatoes. Great hair. At the top of her list, I think, is an easy death in her sleep.

You think you’re going to eat whatever you want when you’re old. You think you’ll be able to nap when you’re tired. Or sleep past breakfast. You’ve earned that, no?

Not people here. So, I feel scared. I feel that nothing will change by the time it’s my turn to succumb to this earthly body. Because if I had my way, I’d simply lay down in a field knowing it was my time. Wouldn’t you?

Quality of life. Jenkinson remarks that in our society, the measure of one’s quality of life holds a happy standard that measures a dying person against their 14-year-old self.

Eating well, sleeping well, getting dressed and going out into the world. Are these the daily living tasks we should hold a dying person to?

A reason we don’t honor the old folks is because our culture honors competence. And they are not that. Age diminishes competence. When can we honor the dying of competency with the physical death? By “getting them up and dressed” in the nursing home, we are continuing a routine of youth. It does not support a winding down. We do this in our death-phobic culture because we can now easily prolong and stave off death. What would it take to reimagine what dying looks like? What grief is?

We have what Jenkinson calls competence addiction. What is the competence that a dying person is assumed to have? How does competence addiction manifest itself? It looks like the person isn’t actually dying.

As someone who has always been interested in medicine, I’m deeply moved by Jenkinson’s message. Medicine is much more than preparations. It’s also how we exist as ourselves and with others in our bodies and spirit. Our energies and interactions can be used to live fully in each moment, as an example and as a truth. What I see in our near future is a new honesty about what that means in terms of dying in this culture.

And now a monkey wrench. It took three weeks of administration, but after four months in the hospital, a three-hour drive for me, I secured a nursing-home spot for my grandmother only five minutes from my house.

Even after they said, “We don’t place people directly from the hospital,” and “The waiting list is two years long.”

Meanwhile, she is here in a place she hates. She called it a shithole.

And I get it. It’s the exact opposite of where I’d want to spend my last days. I got a letter today accepting my grandmother into my first choice, a beautiful, new, carpeted facility that is completely different from the repurposed hospital setting in which she is now staying. They have a Swiss Chalet day. It includes your choice of beer.

Do I move her, jarring her yet again to another place she really doesn’t want to be? Even if it’s more comfortable?

Comfortable for me? Notice I haven’t suggested she come to live with me. However that might play out, after listening to Stephen Jenkinson, I know it would likely not be the cherryice-cream-on-Mondays-at-bingo, sterilized, drawn-out death waltz we accept in our society as a passable death.

If she came to live with me, she might choose (wait, is she competent to choose?) her journey out to be short. So short, I’d be investigated for neglect or some such thing.

The Latin-derived term “palliative” means to cloak or conceal. Palliative care, then, is merely a window dressing on what we find ugly. It’s not just the run-down hospital that she compares to the city’s sewer system. It’s our entire culture around dying that she cannot easily escape.

I might as well bring her a six pack.

Tanja Rohn-MacKenzie practices urban agriculture and photography in the Finger Lakes region. Her interest in death and dying has led her to learn how to host home funerals and “harvest” backyard poultry with love. This piece is adapted from her blog, mummybites.wordpress.com, where she explores being a step-mom and feeding her lover’s spawn one mouthful at a time.

Her photography can be seen at tanjerinestudios.ca.

March 2019 | 41

Love Actually

Tinder is the Night

by Anna Wilking

42 | The Brick Magazine

W

hen I first created a Tinder profile I did it in jest at the prompting of a friend. I had just defended my dissertation on sex work in Ecuador after an 18-month period of intense academic rigor. To say that I lived the existence of a nun would be an understatement.

I followed a strict regiment in which I went to bed early and woke up early to have my breakfast and set off to the NYU library for a day of writing in precise 45-minute chunks. I would take a lunch break in which I would eat the dreary sandwich I had packed, take a swift walk around Washington Sq. Park, and buy some more coffee. I would then head back into my cubicle and write until I felt like I had maximized my potential for the day.

I would pack up my backpack, contain and store the mess of papers and books that had been scattered about in piles on my desk, and then head home on my bike. These bike

rides home across the Manhattan Bridge were often my favorite moments of the day. I had the chance to clear my head and give my legs a workout after another long day of writing.

During this 18-month period, I abstained from alcohol and rarely went out, as my dissertation had become the sole focus of my life. It sounds extreme, but to tackle such an enormous, long-term project, which eventually resulted in a 300-page document, I needed razor sharp focus and no distractions. At least, that was what worked for me.

But soon it no longer worked. The minute I defended my dissertation, I realized that my monk-like existence had to come to an end. I was sick of the rigid structure to my days without a flicker of excitement or change. Not to mention my drought! During this time, I experienced a man drought of epic proportions. Perhaps a one-off

March 2019 | 43

date here or a one night-stand there, but I had convinced myself that love or intimacy would derail my focus.

Enter Tinder. I never thought that I would take it seriously. I never thought I would become such an enthusiastic user that my thumbs would cramp from all the swiping. But I was hungry for passion and excitement. Above all, I was hungry for men!

And Tinder delivered. My very first date, which was arranged after several pseudo-intellectual exchanges with references to Bukowski and Sylvia Plath, I met “Fernando,” a 32 y/o unemployed writer. It was perfection. He was cuter than his artsy, daguerreotype-inspired portraits had suggested. Two beers deep (my tolerance was nonexistent), feeling as connected as you can to a complete stranger, he asked if I wanted to go somewhere “more comfortable.” That place turned out to be his bed. After a satisfying evening, I gave him a peck on the mouth and headed on my merry way, practically skipping to the subway.

Fernando paved the way to many Tinder encounters over the following months. I was the perfect Tinder candidate, as I had no need to attach the “No hook-ups” assertion at the bottom of my profile. I was making up for lost time. I was youngish (39 — but it’s all relative, right?), free, and single!

Perhaps the biggest surprise of my Tinder days was the amount of interest I garnered in younger men. Even though I had never before had “cougar” tendencies, I found myself going on dates with guys a decade younger than me.

And let’s be honest, I wasn’t using Tinder to meet my soul mate. It helped that my expectations for meaningful encounters were low.

Photo by Matt Reiter

44 | The Brick Magazine

So there I was, from first feeling self-conscious about my age (I had even considered skimming 5 years off), to realizing that my encroaching 40th birthday was an asset, at least to some. It was fun to go on these dates and realize that I was still attractive to some subset of the population.

Photo by Simon Migaj

Which brings me to my next point. Tinder proved to be a good way to boost my self-esteem after years of singlehood. I hadn’t the faintest idea what I wanted to do career-wise. Plus, I felt like my sex appeal was waning. I felt incredibly lost and my self-worth was at an ultimate low. Being a single woman in her late 30s was not easy (see my last column), so receiving an influx of attention from hot 20-somethings was just what the doctor ordered.

That is not to say that Tinder was all fun. I had never before experienced such harsh rejection. I remember the first time a guy deleted me mid-conversation, it felt like a punch to my stomach. Or even worse, the time a guy walked out of the bar as soon as he saw me, leaving me to fight back tears. (I guess he thought I didn’t look like my photos). How about the time I was completely stood up—he was a no-show and didn’t even bother to text.

And ghosting. I can’t even count the number of times I was ghosted.

But in some ways I was grateful for these painful incidents. The dating world is harsh. It made me fearless as I ventured out onto other more “reputable apps.” I learned to shake off the rejection. It helped that I was more mature now and genuinely didn’t

expect anything from these random hook-ups. I sometimes wonder how my 20-something self would have handled Tinder, back when I took one-night stands as the promise of a new relationship.

Like all things shiny and new, Tinder’s allure faded.

Simply put, I got bored. I got bored of the catalog of endless men, of the meaningless conversations, and even of the sexual encounters. It had been entertaining, but I was ready to move on and find something more fulfilling. That being said, it was perfect for that particular moment in my life. I always had a new sexual experience right around the corner. It pushed my boundaries and taught me to take chances and be spontaneous. It gave me a life that was a far cry from my days at the library. So Tinder, thank you, you served your purpose.

Anna Wilking holds a PhD in cultural anthropology and is currently getting her MSW at NYU to become a clinical therapist.

She teaches courses on gender and sexuality at NYU and Brooklyn College and hopes to open a private practice for couples and family therapy one day. She is a documentary filmmaker and writer based in Brooklyn, NY. Social media handle: @avwilking

March 2019 | 45

The Magical Relationship Mantra â&#x20AC;&#x153;Listening is an attitude of the heart, a genuine desire to be with another which both attracts and heals.â&#x20AC;? ~ L.J. Isham

by Maria Sylvester, MSW, CPC Photo by Briana Tozour

46 | The Brick Magazine

“Tell me more”… is my relationship mantra. It’s magical. It’s powerful. It works. “Tell me more,” I say, when wanting to deepen communication. Tell me more. This is my number one conversational secret sauce for building stronger relationships. Now I’ll share some of the reasons why I love these three words and believe them to be instrumental in the creation of greater intimacy and connection.

“Tell me more” is a communication that has the impact of gently encouraging another to expand on something (and it can be absolutely anything) they have shared. It is, first and foremost, a communication of care and respect. It is a statement that says, in affect, “my attention is with you... I am here — curious, interested and ready to listen further.”

Additionally, “tell me more” is a communication that makes it less likely you’ll interrupt the other person or change the subject. Instead, you are indicating a wish to see a topic developed more extensively. Inherent in the request is also a declaration of willingness to remain present for the discussion.

Asking another to tell you more is additionally a way to build trust. And the “telling more” does not necessarily have to be anything deep or profound in order for this to happen. Trust grows as a person feels cared about, listened to, and supported in sharing. Simply talking about the details of one’s day, for instance, while feeling listened to, fosters a more meaningful connection.

Photo by Hannah Busing

Warmth and kindness are often infused in the request “tell me more.” This type of loving request creates a sense of spaciousness for conversation. The result is a sense of one being able to relax into a discussion and share more freely.

In other words, “tell me more” is a communication that encourages vulnerability in the connection. When a person feels another is open to hearing more, they often open themselves, and become more vulnerable. This deeper revealing builds intimacy and helps foster a sense of feeling known and understood. “Tell me more” nudges the other to be braver and have courage to open further.

is a communication that strongly implies interest and a clear desire to hear another. When one believes they will be heard, they feel valued and appreciated. Feeling appreciated builds closeness and a more secure emotional attachment. The more secure one feels in an emotional connection with another, the more a person can speak their truth and feel comfortable being themselves. And so it is, and shall be — the gift of three simple words and their power to grow and transform relationships. Go forth, and say them often!

I have noticed that when I invite someone to “tell me more” and they do, it is as if my request serves as permission of sorts for the other to allow floodgates to open. The conversation moves from small talk to greater revelations. The result is a real flushing-out, an emotional sharing of ideas, feelings, dreams, and desires. It is powerful to witness.

Maria Sylvester, MSW, CPC is a certified Life Coach in Ann Arbor, MI who loves empowering adolescents, adults, and couples to live from the HEART of what really matters to them so that they can bring their fully expressed, vibrant selves into the world. She has a special gift for helping women reclaim their feminine power, and embrace their radiant, sensual, sexy spirits.

Their lives transform. They soar into their mid-life magnificence!

And in witnessing such, time and time again, I am reminded of our universal human longing to be heard. “Tell me more”

LifeEmpowermentCoaching.com Complimentary First Session 734.717.7532

March 2019 | 47

WOMAN ON THE STREET

Writing My Way Home, Again (Jeez!)

by Stephanie Saline

W

hen I started a writing business ten years ago, I wrote stuff for my clients five days a week. It made me a much more skilled writer.

So years later, when I started teaching self-employed people how to improve their writing, I thought it made sense to teach writing skills.

“Tell us how you write a headline,” my students would ask.

“Show us how to write a catchy subject line for an email.” So at first, that’s what I did.

But what I quickly came to realize was that learning skills weren’t actually helping my students connect with, move, and inspire other people in their writing.

For several years, I thought about this. If the act of writing is made up of a bunch of different skills, why wasn’t learning the skills enough? What was I missing?

48 | The Brick Magazine

Photo by Milkovi

I thought about how I learned to become a better, more skilled writer. And the truth was, I showed up and wrote.

Sure, I read eight books about writing the specialized persuasive and sales style of writing that I do (called ‘direct response copy’). But after that, my method to get better was to practice everyday.

I realize that does not sound sexy, or particularly novel. But it’s the truth.

Practice is what makes us better at things. It’s what made me a better cook. It’s what made me a better friend. It’s what made me a better athlete.

And practice is what makes us more powerful and fluent communicators, too.

That’s when it occurred to me that my students didn’t need to

learn more skills. Instead, what they needed was guidance for how to find that spot within themselves where the words flow from.

scene shifted. It opened up. She found herself writing about different things, richer things, juicier things.

Because when we find that spot, we finally relax the whiteknuckle death grip on finding the perfect words or having perfect grammar or crafting a textbook-perfect headline. Or really, being perfect people. We shift our attention from the spectacle outside us to the universe within. And that, my dear reader, is where the power and magic comes from.

Right now, I’ve got a hankering for a breakthrough like that.

Suspecting I was onto something, I stopped teaching skillbased classes, and started doing something called ‘Shut up and write.’ These were 90-minute group writing sessions, where people around the world showed up on videoconference to silently write together.

At one point, we had people from Israel, Italy, New Zealand, and across Canada and the U.S. writing together, every Monday.

We were all testing my idea that parking your butt in your chair and writing for 90 minutes, then hitting send, post, or publish, could teach a person almost everything they needed to know about improving their writing (and, I’ve been told, a whole lot about grit, showing up, and sticking with it when the gremlin voices inside your head are screaming nasty things). I’ve been sitting and writing with people ever since.

Fast forward to last week. At our group writing session, a luminous and suspiciously wise member told me I needed to start writing again in my journal.

“You need to do what you tell us all to do: show up and write.”

Dammit. It was as if I heard the voice of God herself. So I did what any of us would do if we heard that voice.

I’m now writing again in the mornings. And the cosmic joke is: I’m going through the same stage I talk about with people who write with me.

“Stage One: Judging what you write as frivolous.”

I remember when another woman started writing regularly with me last year. She reported she felt like a teenage girl writing in her diary. We love you, teenage girls, but this was not meant as a compliment.

An accomplished former high-powered lawyer who saved enough money to retire early, she wanted to recover the color and personality in her writing. It had been drained out of her as a practicing attorney, and she now wanted it back.

When she told me this, my response was: “Get curious about that judge-y voice.” Turn it into a character. And then write a dialogue with it. It’s got a name and a message for you. And if you are curious and ask kindly, it’ll give it to you.

So she started writing to that voice. And lo and behold, the

As I show up each morning and write about seemingly superficial stuff — decorating our house, how I’m feeling, what happened yesterday — I find myself wrinkling my nose.

Jteez, *this* is what my conversation with myself is about?

Small talk??

But here’s the thing: this is totally normal. And as Emily Dickinson has said, the best way out is through.

We need to keep going. Keep writing. Even get interested in the stuff that strikes us as dumb as a bag of bricks.

Give it our full attention. Get curious about what’s at its core.

Heck, write out the nasty, judgmental crud so we can see, witness, and make sense of it.

I know all this. Heck, I teach all of this.

But that doesn’t mean I get a magical shortcut door with a high-speed escalator so I don’t have to go through the experience of it. That’s not how it works.

However, I do know how this story goes: I show up.

I write banal, uninteresting things.

I relax my knee-jerk reaction to writing banal, uninteresting things.

Something magical happens — the direct result of my showing up, willingness to suck, and trust in the process.

The world cracks open on the page.

The words come through me -- and they are wild and generative.

This is the song I sing. This is the song I discovered when I was thirteen, and needed a witness.

And this is the song I forget, then remember, then forget again, in the dance of memory and forgetting.

This is my gift to give to others. (And be with them as they stay the course.)

So: here we go again!

A teacher and advertising writer based in Buffalo, New York, Stephanie Saline spent a decade having adventures across Japan, the Pacific Northwest, and Montana, and another decade building a popular writing business.

She is the creator of Writing Your Way Home, a workshop where people write their stories. Find out more about her work at www.stellaorange.com.

March 2019 | 49

with Maria Sylvester, MSW, CPC

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734-717-7532 • www.LifeEmpowermentCoaching.com

50 | The Brick Magazine

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