Holl & Lane, Issue 13 Preview (The Body)

HOLL AND LANE A S A N C T UA RY F O R SO UL - F IL L ED STO R IES

2 0 1 7 COL LECTI O N Volu me I I I Issu e 13

T HE BODY ISSU E A study of b o dy i mage and b o dy p o s it iv it y VOLUME III | 1

TEAM SARAH HARTLEY Creator / Editor in Chief sarahhartley.net editor@hollandlanemag.com

MIA SUTTON Editorial Manager bodyofhopepodcast.com stories@hollandlanemag.com

JESS DOWNEY Soical Media Manager chaoticcollected.com

CONTACT For press and advertising inquiries, contact hollandlanepress@gmail.com For contributions, contact stories@hollandlanemag.com For stockists, contact assistant@hollandlanemag.com ABOUT We’re starting a movement towards more honest media, giving your voice and stories a platform to share your honest lives.

SOCIAL

MADISEN QUICK Editor's Assistant instagram.com/madisen.quick assistant@hollandlanemag.com

L instagram.com/hollandlanemag I facebook.com/hollandlanemag M pinterest.com/hollandlanemag The opinions expressed within each article do not necessarily represent those of the Holl & Lane team.

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HOLL AND LANE

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Cover Photo by JAMIE DEURMEIER: jamiedeurmeier.com Cover Model : BRITTANY SNOOK 4 | 2017 COLLECTION

INSIDE HOLL & LANE, ISSUE 12 10 THE BODY OF DANCE 20 I’M A PERSON, NOT A CANCER PATIENT 26 STRENGTH IN NUMBERS 34 BEYOND BODY 38 A REAL BODY IN AN INSTAGRAM WORLD 42 BEING A WOMAN 45 BODY AND SOUL 46 ME AND MY ED 52 GROWING UP FAT 54 JOIN THE CLUB: LIFE WITH HSV 58 HONEST & WILD 66 STAY GOLD 70 A JOURNEY OF BODY AND SOUL 72 GLIMPSES 76 BODY OF FRIENDSHIP 82 HOW ILLNESS TAUGHT ME TO TRUST MY BODY AGAIN 86 WE ARE MORE THAN OUR BODIES 94 BEAUTIFUL REFLECTIONS 102 TURNING THE LIGHTS ON

IN EVERY ISSUE 6 7 8 9 104 108 110

EDITOR'S NOTE ISSUE CONTRIBUTORS H&L GIRL THE LIST POSTCARDS FROM...

REGULAR CONTRIBUTORS 5 QUESTIONS WITH...

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EVER WONDER ABOUT THE NAME “HOLL & LANE”?

The name is a play on the cross streets of my first home. We consider the home to be the place that you have unguarded conversations, the types that we feature within these pages. Think of Holl & Lane as one big slumber party with your closest friends.

HEADSHOT BY OLIVIA DEMORAY OF HEARTSTRINGS AND LITTLE THINGS

EDITOR’S LETTER AS A WOMAN, it’s often been built into my way of thinking that I need to look a certain way. I can remember being aware of what my body looked like from the time I was in grade school. I wanted my clothes to fit a certain way so that I’d look cute and attractive to the boys in my class. I knew that I had the mentality to take these thoughts too far, so as I’ve gotten older, I’ve refused to keep a scale in the house. I knew that if I did, I’d start to obsess and that it could easily spiral out of control, and to a dangerous place.

When I was pregnant with my son, I had a very hard time seeing the beauty in my new body. I was in awe that I was physically growing another human being, but aside from that, I just felt ugly and out of shape. But after having him, something in my mindset shifted. I no longer felt the urge to get back into my size 4 jeans.

I wanted to be healthy enough to chase after him, but the size of my pants no longer mattered. Since having him in February 2014, my weight has yo-yo’d. Sometimes I’m happy with it, sometimes I feel that I should do something about it. But I know that to my husband and my son, I’m still the same person. I’ve tried to feel that same way. If they love me the way that I am, then I should, too.

In this issue, we tackle body image and body positivity. Women across the world have been made to believe that we’re supposed to fit into a specific mold. But through this issue you’ll see women of all sizes and shapes and they all have one thing in common - they’re beautiful exactly the way they are.

Sarah Hartley Editor in Chief

Thank you to these Patreon sponsors for helping to keep Holl & Lane running: MICHAEL QUICK MELISSA BOLES BRANDON HARTLEY JENNIFER DUDLEY AMANDA FILLIPPELLI TOM MATTINGLY JONATHAN WILLIAMS Become a Patreon sponsor by visiting patreon.com/hollandlanemag

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CONTRIBUTORS A.LENTZ PHOTOGRAPHY alentzphotography.com

EMILY TEBBETTS emily-tebbetts-weddings.com

MALLORY JORDAN malloryjordan.com

ALEXANDRA MESEKE alexandrameseke.com

ERICA MUSYT lookingtothestars.com

MARIA JOHNS bowandarrowphotographystudio.com

ALI GRAY instagram.com/darlingforaweekend

HANNAH WILDMAN facebook.com/wearemorethanourbodies

MIA SUTTON bodyofhopepodcast.com

ALLI PETERS allipeters.com

HAYLEY WERNICKE hadasimages.wixsite.com/hadasimages

MIKAELA PABON instagram.com/mikaela.pabon

AMY BRASWELL paperfinch.com

JACKY ANDREWS howlandrose.com

MORGAN MANGOLD instagram.com/amazinglymorgan

AMY COOK instagram.com/amy1939

JESSICA MAX PHOTOGRAPHY iamjessicamax.com

NADEENA SEODARSAN artandanthem.com

ANGIE CANDELL lacandellaweddings.com

JESSICA STANSBERRY theheyjessica.com

NATALIE HUGHES istylebynatalie.com

ANNIKA BIELIG BUSSMANN annikabieligbussmann.com

JESSIE LIEBER instagram.com/littlelegendsdesign

NATALIE JAYNE PHOTOGRAPHY nataliejaynephotography.com

BOUDOIRS BY LOVA boudoirbylovas.com

JULISSA RIOS instagram.com/fiercely_julie

RADHIKA & IAN MCDIARMID radianphotography.com

BROOKE TAELOR brooketaelor.com

KAELA SPEICHER PHOTOGRAPHY kaelaspeicher.com

ROCHELLE BOHANNON thevibrantventure.com

CARA MCGRADY instagram.com/oneswellstudio

KALA RATH PHOTOGRAPHY kalarathphotography.com

SABRINA STUEVE sabrinastueve.com

CATHRINE KHOM instagram.com/cathrinekhom

KATELYNE MCMAHON ourbeautifuladventure.com/home-01

SAMI ROSS shross.com

CHELSEA OLIVER chelsealeeoliver.com

KEN BROWAR nycdanceproject.com

SARAH BYRNE sarahbyrneyoga.com

CHRISTIE BEGNELL meandmyed.com

LAUREL HERRICK instagram.com/crown.laurel

SARAH JEANNE BROWNE sarahjeannebrowne.com

CHRISTINE AMOROSO barenakedinpublic.com

LINDSAY LATIMER bourbonlipstickandstilettos.com

SHELLY NINO .instagram.com/revel.designs.by.shelly

DEBORAH ORY nycdanceproject.com

LOLA GILBERT thebabetowncollective.com

SOPHIA KHOM instagram.com/sophiakhom

DENISSE BENITEZ denissebenotez.co

LOLA MICHELLE PHOTOGRAPHY lolamichelleportraits.com

TATIANA CICCARELLI instagram.com/lepetittati

EDUARDO SEPULVEDA

MADISEN QUICK instagram.com/madisen.quick

TRAVIS HUNT

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THE HOLL & LANE GIRL

N ADEENA SE ODA R SA N THE H&L GIRL IS: CREATIVE, SMART AND CAPABLE, SHE IS STRONG AND USES HER PASSIONS TO HELP OTHERS. SHE ENJOYS BEING A PART OF SOMETHING BIGGER THAN HERSELF. SHE IS INNOVATIVE AND PROFESSIONAL BUT KNOWS HOW TO HAVE A GOOD TIME. THE H&L GIRL IS MODERN, GENUINE AND BRAVE. BORN IN GUYANA, and raised in Queens, NY, Nadeena credits the diverse landscape of Queens and being exposed to people from different cultures as a part of her everyday life as playing a huge role in who she is today.

Though Nadeena is a passionate, creative brand photographer for small businesses now, she didn’t always see it as a viable profession. She pursued a degree in Community Health Education and saw herself clearly on the path of healthcare or working in the nonprofit world. She was able to accomplish that goal and is grateful for the experiences, the people, and the growth that came from that part of her life. Because of it, she learned that we aren’t defined by our college degrees or even our career path.

Success, In Her Words: “Being able to stand on my own two feet. Living a life where I’m honest with myself about where I am and where I want to go and treating myself with self compassion as I make my way there.”

She eventually learned portrait photography on the side, and also dabbled in event photography, before making the commitment to go after photography full force. In doing so, she found her way to the world of creating images to help brands attract their

ideal customers. She seeks out business owners and creatives that hold on to the identity of their brands fiercely and who see the power in using visuals to help attract the right people to them. She surrounds herself with people who look beyond the “pretty” of an image to make sure the “why” was correct.

Nadeena’s work not only benefits her clients, but she consciously strives to help her clients’ customers as well with her brand photography and visuals. She does so by serving as a middleman, a sort of lighthouse or beacon, guiding them to brands that were created to fit their lifestyle.

Nadeena has gotten to where she is right now as a direct result of pushing her own boundaries and following her gut. She knows that there’s a way for us to be consumers without falling into the trap of just needing to fill our lives and homes with empty things.

That strong sense of integrity helps her to work only with brands that are intentional, and advocating for knowing what you want and how it will serve you.

INTERVIEW BY MIA SUTTON // IMAGE BY KATELYNE MCMAHON

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THE LIST : THE BEGINNING On Our Bookshelf

On Our Playlist

WORDS BY CHELSEA OLIVER

WORDS BY AMY COOK

13 WAYS OF LOOKING AT A FAT GIRL

by Mona Awad Lizzie is a fat girl and she is very accepting of her place in the world. While she may not always be happy in her chubby exterior, she fakes it with promiscuity and music.

As she gets older, she changes her shape and the variations on her name to match the newest version of herself. Told at different stages in her life, and once from the perspective of her husband, 13 Ways of Looking at a Fat Girl explores what it is like to always feel like that fat outsider, even when nobody can see it but you.

THE WONDER

by Emma Donoghue Anna O’Donnell is an eleven-year-old girl who believes that she is living off manna from heaven. When one of Florence Nightingale’s protégés, Lib, is called in to see if what the child is saying is true, she can find no scientific evidence to the contrary. When Anna’s health takes a turn for the worst, Lib is forced to make a choice between faith, science, and her own experience to determine whether this little girl is living on the word of God alone.

THE BROKEN MIRROR: UNDERSTANDING AND TREATING BODY DYSMORPHIC DISORDER

by Katharine A. Phillips Close to two percent of the country (approximately 5 million Americans) suffer from the psychological disorder body dysmorphia. Katharine Phillips researched BDD and write the first book on the issue. Men and women who suffer from BDD see hidden flaws in themselves that are not perceivable to the normal observer. These flaws become an obsession that interferes with every aspect of their lives and has even been known to lead to depression and thoughts of suicide. This book is an excellent resource for BDD sufferers and the family and friends who love them.

SHAPE OF YOU

BY ED SHEERAN UGLY

BY NICOLE DOLLAGANGER YOUNG & BEAUTIFUL

BY LANA DEL REY PRETTY HURTS

BY BEYONCE BODY TALK

BY FOXES DO WHAT YOU WANT

BY LADY GAGA BODY ON ME

BY RITA ORA BODY

BY MOTHER MOTHER VIDEO

BY INDIA ARIE SHAMELESS

BY LISSIE

On Our Screen

WORDS BY ERICA MUSYT

REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES Anna is a first generation MexicanAmerican teenager on the verge of womanhood. She has been told her whole life that curves on a young woman are beautiful, but also hears that she has too many curves. In this heartwarming coming of age story, you see Anna deal with cultural expectations, duty to her family, and her own personal aspirations.

EMBRACE In 2013, Taryn Brumfitt posted a ‘beforeand-after’ in social media that started an international craze! In this documentary we follow body activist Brumfitt on her crusade to explore the worldwide issue of body loathing. She strives to help women change the way they view themselves and think about their bodies.

FED UP In this 2014 documentary, Katie Couric takes us on a journey with the U.S. Government and the first dietary guidelines they put out over 30 years ago.

The role of dietary sugar and increased risks in obesity and diabetes is examined, especially in children. Since these guidelines effectively condoned unlimited addition of sugar to foods consumed by children, sugar consumption has greatly increased, obesity has skyrocketed, and generations of children have grown up far fatter than their parents.

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the body of dance INTERVIEW BY MIA SUTTON // IMAGES BY DEBORAH ORY AND KEN BROWAR

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the photographs are a celebration of bodies and movement

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TELL US ABOUT THE NYC DANCE PROJECT. NYC Dance Project was started by Ken Browar and Deborah Ory, we are huband/wife team. We’ve been working on NYC Dance Project for the past 3 years. NYC Dance Project started out as a blog/website and eventually we made a book “The Art of Movement”. Since then we have done a few exhibitions of our work and are working on our next book, also about dance. All of our work centers around dancers and features them in both photographs and interviews.

WHAT INSPIRED YOU AND KEN TO CREATE THE PROJECT? The inspiration for the project came from decorating our then 13-year-old daughter Sarah’s room. Sarah is an aspiring ballerina and wanted her room filled with dance photographs. We made extensive searches at bookstores, on the Internet (Amazon, EBay and others) and galleries.

We purchased books, calendars and other photos and to our disappointment were not able to find images of the current dancers that Sarah admired. There were beautiful images of famous dancers from past generations - such as Baryshnikov or Markova, taken more than 40 years ago but nothing of the current stars.

Ken decided we needed to photograph these dancers ourselves. We were great fans of Daniil Simkin, the American Ballet Theatre Principal dancer and sent him an email asking him to be our first subject. Daniil loves photography and agreed to be photographed. After a successful photo shoot with Daniil, he arranged for other Principal dancers to work with us and before long NYC Dance Project was officially launched. Once the images were posted on social media, the word spread in the dance community and dancers from all over approached us to collaborate.

CAN YOU TELL US ABOUT THE JOURNEY FROM YOUR PROJECT TO THE CREATION OF YOUR BOOK, THE ART OF MOVEMENT? Ken and I had both been photographers for many years before we met and we shared a love for art books. It had always been a dream of ours to make a book and the subject matter seemed to flow naturally in this format. Once we started working on our first book, we knew there were going to be more books in our future!

YOU DESCRIBE YOUR PHOTO SHOOTS AS DANCE PRODUCTIONS. WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT? Each shoot is planned, almost like a choreographer would plan a performance, with thought going into our backgrounds, lighting and concepts for the images. Many of our shoots featured costumes or couture clothing and that is coordinated beforehand with the dancers. On set, it becomes a true collaboration between both of us and the dancers, we work together to create a mood and feel for the images. Most shoots we also work with hair and makeup – preparing for the photos feels very much like preparing for a live performance.

YOUR PHOTOS CAPTURE THE PHYSICAL STRENGTH OF THE DANCERS, BUT ALSO SUCH RAW EMOTION. HOW IMPORTANT WAS IT TO YOU TO DISPLAY NOT ONLY THE BEAUTY OF THE HUMAN FORM, BUT ALSO OF HUMAN EMOTION? The photographs are a celebration of bodies and movement.

Dancers must simultaneously be artists and athletes; both qualities are highlighted in our photographs. We also try to capture the personality, character and expression of the dancer – we think of these images as portraits of the artist.

Our photos are also about capturing emotion through movement – it could be a simple gesture, as long as it captures a feeling. &

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i’m a PERSON, not a CANCER patient WORDS & IMAGES BY MALLORY JORDAN 20 | 2017 COLLECTION

AFTER ATTENDING A gift show in New York, entrepreneur Susie Beiman returned home to Indianapolis exhausted. She knew she had dinner plans with her father and best friends, but her focus went to her worn energy and the news weighing on her mind.

Susie opened the door to her home, relishing the thought of cuddling her cats, Maxwell and Sydney. She looked around to see where they were lounging, when she spotted a vase of flowers on her kitchen table. She walked her aching feet past her tropical décor and picked up the attached card that read, “Welcome home, Love Dad”.

She immediately slid down to the kitchen floor and began to cry. How is she going to tell him? How is she going to break her father’s sweet, jokester heart with the news of her diagnosis? The same diagnosis her mother fatefully received just four years ago.

THE BEGINNING Susie’s journey with breast cancer began in 2003 with a routine check-up at the doctor’s office.

“I had no signs. I’m healthy, you know. I’m a Virgo,” Susie says. “I was brought up eating very sensible, healthy food, so my taste buds went in that direction as an adult,” she explains.

Susie grew up as a carefree only child to her two Jewish parents. Her father, Jack Beiman, was an optometrist while her mother, Inga Beiman, ran the private practice.

Only three years prior to Susie’s diagnosis, her mother passed from breast cancer.

“It was my biggest fear after my mother got it, because I know how genetic it can be,” Susie recalls. “My first thought was probably ‘Holy shit, the thing I was most afraid of has finally happened.’”

When Susie told her father she had breast cancer, his reaction was shockingly positive.

“You’re a healthy eater, you exercise,” Jack said to his daughter. “You couldn’t go into this in better shape. I think you’ll do fine. I’m sorry, but I think you’ll do fine.”

Susie felt fine at the time, and her father’s confidence

boosted her own. She continued running the specialty gifts store, Details, she owned at the time as normal and asking her yoga class friends for advice on specialists.

“Choose your doctors wisely,” Susie suggests. “You want to like them as a doctor as well as a person. It’s so important.”

Susie’s oncologist, Dr. Ruemu Birhiray, MD, introduced himself by describing to her exactly what he thought she was going through, emotionally and physically. When he nailed it, Susie knew she not only found her doctor, but a friend.

He told her that her diagnosis was treatable, not curable.

She wasn’t going to die, but she should maintain the mindset that the cancer would come back.

At first, Susie’s biggest fear wouldn’t allow her to believe Dr. Birhiray. She went into surgery to remove the tumor in her breast, as well as lymph nodes for testing. She was treated with radiation, and eventually healed into remission.

“I got through it relatively easy the first time and I thought I was done,” Susie says.

Her body seemed to believe the same. Susie lived cancerfree for seven full years. No side effects, no aches, no pains.

THE RETURN In 2010, Susie began experiencing severe back troubles.

Her spinal cord would go into spasms from the action of simply standing, sitting, or bending down. It continued to escalate until she had days where she could only get around her house by crawling on her hands and knees.

“I would somehow get off the sofa, I would somehow crawl to the bathroom, somehow get on the toilet to pee,” Susie describes, “even reaching for the toilet paper was painful.”

Besides the chronic pain, the worst part was that she didn’t know why this was happening to her. Susie started to isolate herself from others. She would bump into tables or shelves at Details and curse herself for being so clumsy as her back went into another spasm. ›››

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“I was tiptoeing through life for a long time before I was diagnosed and really knew what had happened,” she recalls.

On her worse evenings, Susie would lie in bed with an excruciating pain that circled all around her hips like a band. Her cat, Sydney, who she calls her “healer kitty”, would rest on her stomach, kneading Susie’s body while she purred.

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Eventually, Susie couldn’t bear the devastating feeling of these severe back problems and had to figure out what the cause could possibly be. Her family friend finally got her back to the oncologist. Dr. Birhiray said he was an inch away from admitting her to the hospital for pain control.

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Susie felt a sense of irony, “I was already so much better at that appointment. I couldn’t have done that a few weeks earlier. I would’ve had to have a stretcher.”

She learned that her spine had a fractured L1 and damaged S2. And that the cause of her fractured spine was the breast cancer. After 7 years in remission, it came back for the bones, as breast cancer often does.

While Susie found a shred of peace knowing what was causing her pain, a new reality set in. Her back would heal and she could go forth on a road to recovery with her daily yoga practice again. But Dr. Birhiray’s diagnosis that the cancer would continue to return the rest of her life became true to her.

Her new biggest fear became, “That it would just get worse and worse. Harder and harder. And my big fear is chemotherapy.”

Susie’s fractured back healed, and she returned to her healthy lifestyle. She could even stand up for 10 minutes of yoga poses again without a back spasm.

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Life seemed to return to normal until she began having tummy troubles. Her stomach became irritable and irregular. She tried adding roasted vegetables and greens to her already nutritious diet, but nothing helped. Discomfort turned into pain.

Susie knew something was wrong, but her mind didn’t go to the cancer as the cause. It was too soon for it to be back. Unfortunately, her positive outlook only gave the cancer more time to grow, month after month.

She exclaims in hindsight, “I blame myself for not saying to the doctor, ‘test me!’” ›››

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Sitting in Dr. Birhiray’s office, Susie held her best friend’s, Susan’s, hand. She couldn’t bear the news she dreaded alone.

Dr. Birhiray left the room to give the lifelong friends the privacy to cry together. Susie’s breast cancer, they learned, had spread to the liver.

the nauseous side effects start. Susie began receiving acupuncture treatments the day before chemotherapy, which prevents the side effects from hitting her at all.

As the tumors shrank and the chemotherapy treatments stopped, Susie’s hair slowly began growing back. It emerged thick and fluffy, but she has yet to regain her curls.

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While Susie’s primary form of cancer remains to be breast cancer, its spread to her liver means finally facing one of her biggest fears: chemotherapy.

“I can’t call it ‘chemo’ anymore; it’s too friendly,” Susie says.

“It is not my friend and I cannot refer to it in a cute little name. I use the whole word.”

She decided to cut sugar out of her diet to see if it would help increase the gap between remission and her next diagnosis. But almost exactly a year after her tumors had been cleared, cancer cells appeared in her liver once again.

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DEALING WITH TREATMENT Susie’s body required chemotherapy to hit those fast growing cancer cells in her liver. That meant sickness, weight loss, and hair loss. Susie lost about 20 pounds and experienced that miserable sick sensation 4-5 days after her chemotherapy treatments, but she could handle those moments. When she lost her hair, her eyelashes, and her eyebrows, she began to feel different.

“It wasn’t bad enough just to feel terrible, but to be reminded of it every time you looked in the mirror. That was just a bit much for me. Had I been able to keep those hairy parts, I know I would’ve been happier.”

Still, Susie knew her powerful spirit could not fall to these harder times. She purchased a wig that looked exactly like her blondish brown curls. But the suffocating heat of the wig continued to be a constant reminder of her changed appearance, especially when she had to take it off. She decided to trade the look for a headband of bangs and a knitted cap.

She smiles, “The bangs were kind of a happy moment.”

After getting diagnosed again at age 63, she thought, “Well fuck this. I never overdo it [sugar] anyway, so I’m just going to have what I want. A little here, a little there. Screw it.”

Chocolate squares are her big treat. But even the occasional snacking on grapes or chips is difficult.

“I miss my appetite, she sighs. “I miss loving food because food is so wonderful.”

THE FOURTH TIME Susie admits, though, that this fourth time around has been far easier. Even with the chemotherapy, her diet, exercise, and acupuncture have kept her feeling not right, but not terrible. She’s found strength within her friends, family, and cats, gentle giant Maxwell, and her orange kitten, Samantha, whom she adopted after Sydney passed. And by taking each day as it comes.

“I don’t dredge up stuff from the past and put it on top of what’s happening now, which would be devastating,” Susie says.

Susie believes that piling past pain on top of what is happening in the present, especially in regards to health, is not the best way to cope because it accomplishes nothing.

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The days she had her chemotherapy treatments were calm.

She would take a couple deep yoga breaths in her car and head into the hospital with her middle, pointer, and thumb finger pressed together from her José Silva Mind Control practice.

“A lot of people ask, ‘Can I go with you?’ Well… nothing’s going to happen, you know, I just read my book,” she explains.

It’s a common misconception that patients get sick during chemotherapy. It’s usually not until 3-5 days later that

“That way I don’t view myself as a cancer patient. I’m just a person.”

Of course she still has days where she feels angry and wonders, “why me and why this shit again?”, and then those moments pass. With Max, Samantha, and her deep yoga breaths, Susie reminds herself that she just has today.

“If today wasn’t so great, maybe tomorrow will be.” &

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IMAGE BY KAELA SPEICHER PHOTOGRAPHY

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STRENGTH IN The Babetown Collective is a place where female photographers who capture the female experience can speak up and be heard. A photography community that empowers women for success in not only their business but in their crazy and beautiful lives. Our community is made by and for women with imperfect flaws. Where the anthem is women who speak their mind, throwback shots of whiskey with the best of them, and create pure magic with camera in hand. Our motto is of empowerment, true acceptance, and the strength to get shit done! We know we can’t do this alone and that we need to stand arm in arm, sharing our weaknesses and learning together. We invest in ourselves and others, because we know we’re worth it.

We’re women taking back the word “babe” to mean something so much more than the stereotype. We believe in a team. We don't

believe in choosing between being creatively fulfilled and financially successful. We capture women because that’s what fuels us. We embrace our talent, our identities, and our bodies. We create beautiful images that show women their beauty on the inside and out.

We embrace imperfections; true and raw vulnerability.

We believe in women and that we aren't the raging psychos of Hollywood plots. We are educated, strong-willed humans who will not rest until a full day's work has been achieved and until a step (no matter how small) towards our dreams has been made.

With a glass of wine in hand and camera in tow, we step out of our comfort zone, give back, throw back, and get raw in an era where everyone else is concerned with a picture perfect appearance and a cookie cutter mold. We don’t let stereotypes, hormones, or potential societal disadvantages get us down.

We’re brave boss babes. &

NUMBERS WORDS BY LOLA GILBERT

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We invest in ourselves and others, because we know we’re worth it.

IMAGE BY JESSICA MAX PHOTOGRAPHY 28 | 2017 COLLECTION

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IMAGE BY A.LENTZ PHOTOGRAPHY

IMAGE BY KALA RATH PHOTOGRAPHY

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IMAGE BY LOLA MICHELLE PHOTOGRAHPY

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IMAGE BY BOUDOIRS BY LOVAS

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beyond body WORDS BY SARAH JEANNE BROWNE

I REMEMBER THE awe I felt looking at my modeling portfolio, each photo perfected with the assistance of photoshop. It was exactly how I wanted to look: an image of perfection and beauty, not a blemish to be seen.

I remember looking in the mirror and wondering how that could be me.

The girl in the photos was a different person.

That girl was the ultimate fantasy. She was styled for La Candella Weddings in “A Midsummer Night’s Dream” photo shoot. Her beauty was so otherworldly that it was easy to believe she really did walk out of Shakespeare’s play. She was an escape, one I enjoyed.

I began to identify myself as this other girl. She and I were one and the same. We were perfection… until I looked in the mirror each morning and remembered who I was. She was ethereal, her face a canvas painted by a master artist, her hair perfectly molded and teeth whitened. And I was human.

As I engaged further in the modeling industry, insecurity started to form in me. What I saw when I looked in the mirror changed. I had curves and disliked them, I was tall but still too short. My hair was blonde yet not blonde enough. ›››

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IMAGE BY EMILY TEBBETTS

VOLUME III | 35

No one knows or decides what you should be but you.

ARE YOU ENJOYING THIS PREVIEW? This insecurity skewed my perception of myself.

I was constantly trying, and failing, to live up to an unrealistic standard. I compared myself unfairly to her and even to other models.

Thankfully, this changed when I signed a contract with John Robert Powers, a modeling agency, in 2012 because I met a younger girl who reflected those insecurities. And I reached out to her.

The thought of this partnership objectifying and trying to own a young girl in the fashion they attempted on me made me ill. I did attempt to reach out to the girl who was signed. I warned her about the behavior of her managers. She never responded.

CLICK HERE TO GET THE FULL ISSUE I vividly remember walking into their waiting room, nervous and shy. A young girl sat in the room with me. She wore a revealing tank top, short skirt, high heels and heavy makeup. She stared at me as I walked past and I could sense the tension between us. I wondered what she would look like without the makeup. I wondered if she was truly comfortable in those revealing clothes or if she was wearing them because she thought it was expected of her. Did she feel beautiful? I smiled at her and said: “You got this.”

She looked at me surprised, as she had begun to glare at the other girls in the room. She smiled, and I walked in knowing that it didn’t matter.

Afterward, I continued to model for brands such as Knotsvilla, a wedding website, and Raspberry Beret, a clothing store in Cambridge. But I never forgot that girl and that look. I stayed true to myself and found my own opportunities.

During Grad School, I was scouted by a modeling manager and his partner. They represented lifestyle brands and were interested in me. They were brothers, and one partner requested a face to face date in New York City.

He also made inappropriate advances towards me during video chats. I declined his advances and their offer to represent me.

These experiences and the lessons they taught were priceless to me. The message of perfection and the push to achieve unrealistic standards manifests in the form of declining self worth and esteem. It makes people uncomfortable and unhappy in their own skin. We begin to wear masks of what we think society wants from us: masks of sex appeal and false perfection. We try to be thinner, prettier, blonder. We want to be beautiful but our idea of beauty is unobtainable.

I was one of the lucky ones who found modeling on my own terms. I learned to accept that the reflection in the mirror was the real me and the perfect, ethereal girl in the photographs was fiction. She was a work of art, manipulated and edited to fit an extreme ideal of beauty. I stopped trying to wear the mask. I refused to throw away my self-worth, my dignity or my values. I realized that I am beautiful.

There’s nothing wrong with wearing makeup or having sexual appeal if those are things you want for yourself, just as there’s nothing wrong with dressing conservatively and wearing little or no makeup at all. Objectification and ownership by another (such as for me by the modeling managers) are the things to avoid. We are the only ones who decide our worth. Others may try to tell you what you should be but they can never make you. No one knows or decides what you should be but you. What you wear and what you look like are not the things that determine who you are. There is so much more to you than what is on the outside. Beyond pictures, beyond reflection, beyond body. &

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This modeling management duo signed another model and flew her out to LA and represented her. This was the start of her modeling career.

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IMAGE BY EMILY TEBBETTS

IMAGE BY ANGIE CANDELL

IMAGE BY EMILY TEBBETTS

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a

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A Real Body In An Instagram World

ARE YOU ENJOYING THIS PREVIEW? WORDS BY SARAH BYRNE // IMAGE BY JACKY ANDREWS

LET'S GET REAL. Let's have an honest, raw conversation about social media, body image, and what it can do to a pretty stable, normal self-esteemed adult. I should probably introduce myself before we get so intimate.

01

You start by being real and honest with yourself.

If your body bothers you, move it. Get real with yourself and make those changes that you can make and that will help. Don't get stuck in a perpetual cycle of negativity. Get up and move.

Be confident in your body to do what it needs to do to keep you going.

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Hello, I'm Sarah, a mama and yoga teacher, and I have a belly. I have thighs under a bit of upper arm jiggle. No, I am not pregnant. I have a 5 year old daughter. Old enough to be back to my pre-pregnancy washboard abs right?!

Back? Where were they in the first place? I never had them to begin with - well, not the kind that showed on the outside anyway.

I grew up just as the internet was taking off. Remember the AOL dial tone? We didn't have Facebook or Snapchat or Instagram. I didn't even have my own mobile phone until I was 18 years old and at university. I never had the pressure to fit in or to fit into those low cut tops and and bend their bodies into ridiculous, contortionist poses (because we are talking about yoga after all). It is my job as a mama and a yoga teacher to not only empower my daughter but to empower anyone who walks through my studio door, to live their life the way THEY want to. Not how some square photo on Instagram tells them to. To not think negatively because they aren't built like a Victoria's Secret model, but to be proud of how they ARE built and made. They are beautiful just the way they are because they are real, raw, and honest.

02

03

Seek out others who are real and jive with YOUR truth, seek out your tribe - a friend/ teacher/partner and trust their honesty and authenticity. Talk to them, open up. Breathe into it and let go. Those experiences in life are more important than the 'perfect' photo of the 'perfect' pose.

Realise that 'FOMO (Fear of Missing Out)' is real. And that perfect Instagram photo?

Yeah, it took about 17 takes and Photoshop to create. If you like the photo, chances are the people closest to you will, too. Post it, don't worry about what other people think or say.

Get outside, LIVE your life. Don't get stuck in a cycle of 'scrolling' to have fun. GO, have fun.

And if you happen to strike a yoga pose, snap it and post it! That is what people want to see - real life.

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So how the hell do you do that? Here are my top three ways to conquer the Instagram perfection while not fitting that ideal:

These are just some of the ways that I, a mama and a yoga teacher, get out of my OWN head and deal with the 'stigma' of having a belly, thighs, a BODY. Personally, the fact that I am 'real' is what draws most of my students to me, I am what they perceive as normal and they like that. That perception should be universal, in whatever form we are interacting. &

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HEALTHY EMOTIONS COME IN ALL SIZES. HEALTHY MINDS COME IN ALL SIZES. AND HEALTHY BODIES COME IN ALL SIZES. - CHERI K. ERDMAN

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ILLUSTRATION BY JESSIE LIEBER VOLUME III | 41

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Being a Woman

WORDS BY AMY BRASWELL

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I AM BARREN. Apparently.

amount of blood my doctor wanted drawn and I had to return the next day for the second half. Of course the tests all came back fine.

Because nobody’s actually ever told me that. Despite multiple IVF attempts, countless shots, and drugs and hormones pumped into my body. Despite test after test after test. I’ve never received an explanation for why my body is seemingly unable to do what it’s supposed to be able to do – produce life.

I, however, was not fine. I was sick from the hormones. I was exhausted from the constant emotional roller coaster.

And I was going through other major life events at the same time – mainly the loss of my stepfather, the man who had raised me since I was 5 years old, and my mother’s breast cancer battle. Which she eventually won.

When I got married, I was 33. Such a young age, looking back. But it felt old at the time. So when my husband and I weren’t pregnant after a year of trying, we headed to an infertility clinic. And we took tests. And tests. And then a few more tests. Which all came back wonderful. I happily continued my streak as a Straight A student. And my husband? Well, he’ll be proud to tell you that he scored off the charts. Seriously, it was all he could talk about for weeks.

So we went into this whole fertility journey thinking, “Woo hoo! We’re superstars! This will be super easy! We will be pregnant in like the next ten minutes!”

Six rounds of IVF later, including two with donor eggs, and nothing. Absolutely nothing. And in the meantime, I became one of “those people”. I did everything I could think of, tried every trick in the book to try and coerce my body into doing what I was warned for years it would do simply by looking at a boy the wrong way. I ate pineapple core. I drank only whole milk. I tried acupuncture. Nothing worked and I felt like a failure.

Not so fast, ladies and gentlemen. My body didn’t react well to Clomid, so we had to skip the lovingly nicknamed “turkey baster” technique and head straight to IVF. “Awesome,” we thought, “They’re pulling out the big guns for us!”

Because my body refused to do what millions of women did every day, I felt like a complete and utter failure. I cried and complained and I ate a lot of chocolate. I told my husband he should leave me because I was broken. (Luckily, he didn’t). I skipped baby showers. I resented my friends.

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So I tromped in to the doctor’s office almost daily and was poked, prodded, and probed by various people I may or may not have previously met. I could talk endlessly about my uterus, my ovaries, and how many follicles I was growing at any given moment. Sadly, so could my husband.

I gave vials and vials of blood regularly. So much blood. On one occasion, the phlebotomist refused to take the entire

And I still held out hope.

We ended up adopting an amazing, spirited, vibrant little boy who I can’t imagine life without. I also can’t imagine having a second child at this point, simply because he’s two years old, a total spitfire, and needs all hands on deck at every moment. (Good Lord, how in the world were we ever praying for twins?) ›››

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But still I hold out hope. Even when I’m a couple of days late and I think that after all of that time, after now being in my 40s, after having such an awesome handful of a son that I can’t possibly be pregnant because oh my goodness how would I even handle that… There’s a tiny part of me that hopes.

We might have found our answer recently, as to why we never got pregnant. I had a laparoscopy procedure done and the doctor found a ton of endometriosis in there. A surprising amount, apparently. Enough that I went to sleep expecting one incision and woke up to find four. But it actually made me happy. I was happy to find out that maybe that was the reason. Or that there even was a reason.

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That hopes my body has finally figured out what it was meant to do.

That feels equal parts sorrow and relief at the inevitable signs of a period.

In the end, it didn’t really matter. We’re happy with our sticky, happy, boisterous handful and we can’t imagine life any other way. (Except maybe with less stickiness) It doesn’t matter that my body didn’t produce him. It doesn’t matter that we don’t share DNA. It doesn’t matter that he spent 9 months in someone else’s stomach because now he’s in my heart.

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That knows what it feels like to be a wife and knows what it feels like to be a mom.

But wonders, in those quiet moments, what it truly feels like to be a Woman.

And the funny thing is, several years later, I find myself unable to remember all those stats and numbers and facts.

I vaguely recall the feeling of the shots, but only as a funny anecdote my husband and I tell from time to time – “Honey, remember that time you had to give me the trigger shot in my butt and I bled everywhere and we called the nurse in a panic thinking I was going to bleed out? Wasn’t that hysterical?” I can’t remember the names of the nurses that I saw every single day. I have to pause to think about when we started and when we finally gave up. And how they told us to give up. Although I remember it was kind.

Now what I can talk endlessly about is potty training. And the last time my son woke in the night. And the adorable thing he said the other day. And the feel of stickiness everywhere in my house.

And one day he’ll understand that somehow, despite being formed from someone else’s body, from two other people’s bodies, that he is still my flesh and blood. And I say this with confidence, because I somehow knew, even from the beginning, that my stepdad was anything but a ‘step’ dad.

He was my dad. People used to tell us we looked alike – people who had no idea I wasn’t his biological child. And my husband and I get that with our son now, too. He has my eyes and looks a lot like my husband.

Funny how that works.

I think once you’ve wiped enough butts and cleaned up enough vomit, once you’ve wiped your child’s nose using just your hand, once you’ve eaten food that they’ve literally taken out of their mouths because they really, really want you to eat it instead…when you know their body better than you know your own. THAT’S what it truly feels like to be a woman. &

WE OFFER PRINT ISSUES, DIGITAL ISSUES, AND PLENTY OF It doesn’t matter that myOPTIONS! body didn’t produce SUBSCRIPTION

“

him. It doesn’t matter that we don’t share DNA. It doesn’t matter that he spent 9 months in someone else’s stomach because now he’s in my heart.

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body and soul

WORDS BY MIA SUTTON // IMAGE BY JACKY ANDREWS

Flash of flesh Flushed and fresh The skin I’m in My home of bones A palace of flaws Lit with fire Curved and succulent Sinewy strength A luminous smile Pained and proud It’s in the genes And in the jeans Corporeal beauty In all its forms It’s not a type I’m not a shape Glorious and free In a weighted landscape Mind, body, spirit The eternal trinity

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me

ED

and my

INTERVIEW BY MIA SUTTON // WORDS & IMAGES BY CHRISTIE BEGNELL

CHRISTIE IS AN AUSTRALIAN ARTIST WHO IS CHALLENGING THE WAY WE THINK ABOUT EATING DISORDERS. HAVING SUFFERED WITH AN EATING DISORDER (ED) HERSELF, SHE HAS REALIZED JUST HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO COMMUNICATE THE EXPERIENCES OF AN ED WITH THE PEOPLE AROUND HER. CHRISTIE BEGAN DRAWING HER EXPERIENCES AND SHOWING THEM TO HER FAMILY AND NURSES. HERE, WE TALK TO CHRISTIE ABOUT HER ED, HER ART, AND HOW SHE’S HELPING OTHERS.

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TELL US A LITTLE BIT ABOUT YOUR BACKGROUND. I grew up all over Sydney, Australia and spent a few years in Byron Bay. My family moved around a lot when I was younger due to my parents' work and issues we had with rental properties, so I went to a few different schools. By the age of 13 I had lived in 12 different houses and had gone to 5 different schools.

I became used to the instability, but it affected me a lot. I remember when I was 10 years old, I asked my friends to write me a farewell card at the end of the year, because I expected I’d have to move and never see them again. I never got to settle. I was always introverted, so making friends as a child was difficult; and when I did, I tried not to become too attached because I wasn’t sure if I’d see them again.

When I was 15, I started to develop signs of depression.

My self-esteem was low, I was always tired and my motivation dropped down to an absolute zero. Despite this, I was still able to get out of bed, go to school, and socialize with my friends. As I grew older, the pressures of getting my first job, getting my driver’s license and deciding what I wanted to do for the rest of my life started adding up. It wasn’t until a break up two years later that my eating disorder began. ›››

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CLICK HERE TO GET THE FULL ISSUE Growing up wasn’t particularly easy for me and my siblings.

For as long as I can remember my parents were arguing.

My brother, sister, and I were always caught in the middle of it. Dad moved in and out of home a few times, until my parents finally split when I was 11. It didn’t take long for them to find new partners and my siblings and I moved in with my dad and step-mum when I was 13. Over the years there were countless incidences of emotional abuse and neglect and issues of drug and alcohol in the family became apparent. Living with my dad and step-mum eventually became too dysfunctional, and after they had repeatedly invalidated me and my eating disorder, I decided to move out of home.

IN YOUR BOOK, "ME AND MY ED", YOU HAVE CREATED SOME AMAZING ILLUSTRATIONS TO GIVE READERS INSIGHT INTO WHAT'S IT LIKE TO LIVE WITH AND RECOVER FROM AN EATING DISORDER. TELL US MORE ABOUT THAT. Mental illnesses are unique in that people don’t tend to understand their burden unless they’ve had them or someone close to them is going through one. If we think of somebody with a broken arm, we can visualize how difficult it may be to go about their daily routine, but if we think about someone with a mental illness, it’s often a lot harder to do this. ‘Me and My ED’ aims to overcome this by creating a visual representation of an eating disorder and allow readers to understand the functions of experience of living with one. ›››

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Despite all the drama over the last few years, I managed to get a Bachelor's in Health Science, a Master's in Occupational Therapy and I’m currently studying my Bachelor's of Psychology. I’m now in a loving relationship and living with my boyfriend and sister in a happy home.

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A lot of the drawings have an emotional undertone to them. For example, the “Just eat” picture, uses the example of bungee jumping as the equivalent to eating. Unless you bungee jump every day, once you step out on that platform and look down, your body kicks into fight or flight mode.

Your heart starts racing, your knees get weak, your palms get sweaty, and everything within you tells you not to jump.

That’s exactly what it’s like for someone with an eating disorder to eat. Telling somebody to “just eat” is incredibly insensitive and fails to understand how awful that person is feeling. With all of my other illustrations I try to use analogies and metaphors. Obviously not everyone will get an eating disorder (and I hope they never do), but if they can see a picture, experience the emotion, and then apply that to someone with an eating disorder, maybe then they will realize just how much of a burden this illness is.

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I first started drawing as a way of communicating my experiences to my friends and family. As I rebuilt my confidence in recovery, I started sharing my drawings with the girls on the eating disorder ward I was on and with my friends online. I was eventually encouraged to turn these drawings into a book by my therapists and family, which is where ‘Me and My ED’ started.

YOU GAVE YOUR EATING DISORDER A NAME, "ANA" - WHY WAS IT IMPORTANT TO YOU TO DO SO? It's common with eating disorders for people to experience an “ED voice”. It’s a voice that’s separate from your own thoughts. It’s punitive and rule-making, and promises to help you overcome whatever insecurity you might have. A lot of people refer to that voice as Ed, Mia, or Ana. The name Ana has been used a lot in music and literature.

Silverchair released “Ana’s song (open fire)” in 1999, expressing lead singer Daniel John’s battle with anorexia.

Mother Mother have a song named “Oh Ana”, which comes from one of their member’s experience with anorexia.

There are even “Pro Ana” websites where members encourage each other to restrict, and give each other tips on how to lose weight.

Giving my eating disorder the name ‘Ana’ was significant to me because it validated my illness, and it gave my ED a face. At the time I named Ana, nobody knew about my illness. I hadn’t received medical treatment and none of my friends knew; but I could go online and read about everybody else’s experience with ‘Ana’ and I felt at ease.

I wasn’t crazy if I could see other people going through the same thing with a demon that shared the same name as mine.

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Once Ana had a face, she could be completely separated from me. Despite living in my head and originating from my thoughts, I was able to challenge her in my recovery and regain power and control over her. It was empowering to view my eating disorder as separate from me because it meant that the healthy and happy Christie was still in there. It meant that the things I did or thought when I was sick were not reflections of my healthy self, but were projections of my eating disordered self. ›››

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WHAT ADVICE WOULD YOU GIVE TO PEOPLE WHO HAVE LOVED ONES WITH AN EATING DISORDER? Please be patient. We love you and no matter how much we push you away, we want you to love us back. We know caring for us is hard. We know that you sacrifice so much for us, and because of that we feel like a burden. We don’t want to see you upset, we don’t want to cause drama. We want to be rid of this illness and we want to see you happy again.

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Please take care of yourself. Don’t self-sacrifice. It will make you resentful and angry. What we need is your understanding.

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Don’t be afraid to ask questions. Sometimes it’s hard to express to you what we want or what we need.

Our eating disorders expect us to be self-sufficient and relying on you is a sign of weakness, but please ask questions. Never assume anything. Our eating disorders are all different and we don’t just fit into a neat little diagnostic box. Be curious and please show interest in our recoveries.

WHAT DO YOU CREDIT AS THE TURNING POINT IN YOUR RECOVERY? Finding a meaning and purpose in life again. When I was in the hospital, one of the therapists told us about ‘values-based living’. I wrote down all my values and vowed to make sure I would do something every day that was aligned with my values.

That took a while. It took time for me to discover what my values were and set goals within them. It then took time to find the courage to go after those goals and a lot of therapy to rewire my brain and equip me with the skills I needed. Eventually I began dating, and I found my now boyfriend. He has been a crucial part of my recovery, because every time I veer off down a path of relapse, he pulls me right back on track. Drawing has also been a huge part of my recovery. Starting up the @meandmyed.art Instagram account has been such a massive blessing because every day I am surrounded by loving and supportive people. It’s also given me a purpose. For days where I feel the urge to restrict, I’m reminded of how much a role model I’ve become for some of my followers and that I have responsibility now.

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I’m no longer the sick girl with an Eating Disorder.

I’m a girlfriend, a student, a public figure, a role model, an inspiration, an artist, and an advocate for change. With everything that’s valuable to me in my life now, it doesn’t matter how much I try to fall back into my ED, my life keeps pulling me back on track and reminding me how valuable life is. &

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growing up fat BEING OVERWEIGHT DURING HER FORMATIVE YEARS HAS TAUGHT CARA A LOT ABOUT LIFE - DEALING WITH BULLIES, MAKING FRIENDS, AND STRIVING TO VALUE PEOPLE FOR WHO THEY ARE AND NOT WHAT THEY LOOK LIKE. WORDS BY CARA MCGRADY

Top to bottom: The author growing up, the author as an adolescent, the author today 52 | 2017 COLLECTION

IT'S NOT THAT I assumed I was a skinny kid.

I was fully aware that I had to browse the "Pretty Plus" girls' clothing section of the JC Penney catalog. Distant relatives would use terms like "chubby" and "pudgy" to describe me-- but always threw in a "cute" or an "adorable" to lessen the backhandedness of their compliments. None of the girls on my favorite TV shows looked like me.

I became friends with funny, intelligent, kind, and caring kids. Kids who accepted me no matter what. My friends didn't care that none of the clothes at Abercrombie fit me. They never wondered out loud what my bathroom scale said. We stood up for each other when it was necessary. They were my friends because they liked me and I liked them. We were friends because we shared common interests, and because we found the same exact things absolutely hilarious. And I'm still close with many of those same people, adoring them for the very same reasons I did back in junior high, even though we're all well into adulthood now.

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CLICK HERE TO GET THE FULL ISSUE It was hard for me to admit (and still kind of is), but I was the fat kid growing up.

Three of my elementary school classmates took it upon themselves to make sure I knew just how fat I was. In fifth grade, they scrawled pig noses over my photo on class election posters.

In sixth grade, they began calling me a cow.

During one particularly traumatizing lunch period, this same group of girls convinced the entire sixth grade to "moo" at me when I walked into the cafeteria.

As humiliating as it was, having an entire multipurpose room of my pre-teen peers making barnyard noises at me, I'm actually glad it happened. Grateful for that moment, even. That day, as I stood in my "Pretty Plus" sized jeans, carrying a too-tiny tray of cafeteria food, I decided something. I was never going to be like those girls. Not ever. No matter what.

Even though my adolescence was peppered with bullying and name-calling, being overweight during my most formative years was kind of a blessing in disguise for me. It helped me become skilled at reading people and quickly deciding whether or not someone was kind.

I became more thoughtful, sympathetic, and compassionate toward others because I knew how it felt to be an outsider. Struggling with my weight compelled me to develop a strong, authentic personality. As a 5'8", 200+ pound junior high girl, I felt the need to balance my hefty physical first impression with a friendly, outgoing disposition. Luckily for me, I was already fairly friendly and outgoing.

As high school began, I wrapped up the final stages of puberty and lost some weight. In all, I lost about 60-ish pounds. It was a slow and sluggish transformation that happened over about a year and a half. There was no overnight weight loss magic, no sparkly reveal stage for me to strut my not-as-fat self. I think it was better that way. I grew into my new body gradually, letting my authentic personality come along for the ride. I like to think that I was the same person on either side of that sixty pounds.

Today, in my early thirties, I still often struggle with body image. I don't think I've met another woman who doesn't every once in a while, though. I'm not a size zero. The clothes in my closet range anywhere from a 6 to a 12.

(Where, oh, where are you, standard sizing for women's clothing?!) I don't have a thigh gap. I'm a stress-eater. I usually can't look at a photo of myself without overanalyzing it for a few moments. Sometimes I ask my husband if I look fat.

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I also ask myself some questions though. Am I being kind? Am I helping others? Standing up for those who can't? Trying to include others whenever possible? Am I instilling good character traits into my kids? If I can look myself in the mirror and answer these questions with a 'yes,' and know that I'm doing my best, no number on the scale or on a clothing tag can compete with that. Not ever.

No matter what. &

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Join the Club:

Life with HSV WORDS BY SAMI ROSS

ON THAT FATEFUL day in August 2008, amidst tie-dye clad teens shuffling around a quad, my mother reminded me that there were three rules in college.

1. Don’t get run over by a car.

2. Abortion is not a form of birth control.

3. Do not get herpes.

Though it was partially tongue-and-cheek, her words hung heavily with an implied silent thought: “But really, don’t.”

At that moment, I rolled my eyes and laughed, though internally made a pledge to look both ways before crossing those busy university streets. The other two rules felt entirely out of place in my life. In high school, I had been every liberal parent’s dream. Wild enough to fulfill their nostalgic ideas of teenagers drinking beer on the beach

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until early morning. Carefree enough to road trip to music festivals and probably smoke a little pot. Innocent enough to never have had a boyfriend and to bring all seven Harry Potter books to college. Basically, I was a well-adjusted, eighteen-year old virgin - neat!

Despite my otherwise “typical” teenage existence, I started college wide-eyed. It never occurred to me that the opposite sex would want to date me, let alone sleep with me. I assumed that concerns about birth control pills or STDs were left to the shiny haired girls who played lacrosse, wore expensive denim, and actually went to their homecoming dance. My hair was too frizzy, my voice too squeaky, and my clothes too quirky. I figured somewhere down the line I’d rope in some dorky Grateful Dead fan, but frankly, my love life just wasn’t on my mind. ›››

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I felt like that little bump on my lip was punishment for being arrogant and careless.

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Within two days of starting college, I met a girl who taught me how to do my makeup. Within five days, we had become the party frat’s favorite freshmen duo. Within a week, I had shed that pesky virginity label - a late bloomer cliché, indeed.

explore. I fantasized about what my life would have been like if I had been one of those girls who dated her high school boyfriend until marriage. I felt like that little bump on my lip was punishment for being arrogant and careless.

ARE YOU ENJOYING THIS PREVIEW? All of a sudden, my love life went from zero to sixty. My eyes were open to my potential and I felt like I was making up for lost time.

With newfound sexual prowess came new responsibilities. I took plan B for the first time.

I started the pill. I began shaving above the knee, you know, the usual stuff.

In time, the cold sore disappeared and life went on, but my self-loathing didn’t lessen. I wasn’t afraid to have sex, but in the back of my mind, I still felt ashamed and ruined. I began dating someone new and for the first year of our relationship lived in fear of the day that he’d learn the truth. No matter how often I heard that cold sores were common, I couldn’t normalize them and felt tainted.

CLICK HERE TO GET THE FULL ISSUE Now, to the part of my story that’s difficult to write about. Despite all the fun I was having, every adventure was tainted with my mother’s rules. A long night of partying ended with a hangover and stories to share over brunch. A one-night stand ended with…uncertainty.

As a gal with a naturally neurotic personality, I had many scares. However, I never was ashamed of my actions. If anything, I found sexual freedom to be empowering- and still do.

In my sophomore year of college, my beliefs were rattled. I went through a breakup, a bender, and multiple illnesses, each more debilitating than the last. I stayed up all night studying, ate less than 1500 calories a day, and partied harder than ever. You see where this is heading, right? I broke a damn rule.

That spring, I got sick. Real sick. My tonsils felt like marbles in my throat, every joint ached, and the inside of my mouth was covered with canker sores. Cute, right? After my fever lowered, I discovered that my illness was just the welcoming party to something more longterm: HSV-1.

Of course, said boyfriend couldn't have cared less. Same with the next one. And the next. My friends barely noticed when I had a cold sore, no one treated me differently at work, and I was constantly reminded that I had the “okay” kind of herpes and not the “bad” kind.

Looking back on those years, it’s interesting to me that I had such a severe reaction to something fairly inconsequential in the long run. I’m not fully comfortable with my situation, for example, I have never fessed up to my parents that I broke their rule, but I’ve educated myself and learned just how twisted our culture’s relationship is with herpes. More than 50 million people in the US have some form of herpes - so why is it still so stigmatized?

Why is one form less traumatizing than the other? Yes, it’s uncomfortable. Yes, you must be very careful and self-aware with your space during an outbreak. But if it’s so common, why do we fear it? Why do we turn down potential partners who tell us they have it?

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Did that name “HSV-1” make you cringe?

Did you instantly find yourself wondering if I meant the “bad” kind or the “okay” kind? To answer your question, it was the latter, the cold sore virus. Now, my friends told me it wasn’t a big deal. But to me, I had a lifelong curse, a mark of shame that would rear its ugly head at the worst of times forever and ever.

Despite the fact that I probably caught the virus from something silly like a friend’s lip gloss, I became disgusted with my sex life and my impulses. I blamed my upbringing, wishing I had been raised as a chaste, conservative girl, instead of being encouraged to take risks and

I wish I didn’t get cold sores. But my emotional response towards them is even worse than the outbreak itself. To feel shame towards one’s physical self is painful, and to evolve from that place is, at its core, an individual journey. I don’t know if I’ll ever have the courage to tell my parents the truth, but for now, I’m forcing myself to talk about it. I bring up my virus in casual conversation. I don’t skip work when I have a cold sore. I make myself read articles about herpes, even though that word “herpes”, makes me almost physically recoil - I don’t even like typing it out! However, with one life to live in this body of mine, I know that choosing self-love will be more worthwhile than the alternative. & VOLUME III | 57

Honest 58 | 2017 COLLECTION

& Wild WORDS & IMAGES BY ANNIKA BIELIG BUSSMANN VOLUME III | 59

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YOUR SOUL IS a robe of layers. These layers protect you in your messy moments and embrace you in the happiest times of your life. Many of the women I work with express a not-so-secret desire to peel off some of those layers, to shed the past and step into the present like Mother Nature does with her changing seasons.

I see ink—tattoos and other body art—as another layer of our soul, one that you choose, and while ink is found on the surface of your skin, it reveals so much about those inner layers. Whether your ink captures the timeless memory of a special life occasion, a connection to another soul, or a pure dedication to your own personal style, your ink is a part of who you are in the world.

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In my personalized HONEST and WILD Sessions, I help women press pause on a moment in life, fully embrace where they've been and where they are going by being 100% where they are. We awaken old affirmations, new desires, and spread out positive vibes while uncovering the layers of their soul and empowering them to see themselves in a new way. I love to create images that allow women to truly witness their power, which helps strengthen their resolve to choose love above fear, relaxation more often than stress, and personal confidence over self-doubt.

After each HONEST AND WILD Session, women are left inspired, loved, truly seen, and with a new love and gratitude for themselves. & 62 | 2017 COLLECTION

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"

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Stay Gold.

AT JUST 21, MORGAN’S BODY BEGAN TO FAIL HER AND SHE DIDN’T KNOW WHY. DIAGNOSED WITH RHEUMATOID ARTHRITIS, HER LIFE IMMEDIATELY BECAME ONE OF UNCERTAINTY ABOUT THE FUTURE.

WORDS BY MORGAN MANGOLD // IMAGES BY NATALIE JAYNE PHOTOGRAPHY

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TWO WEEKS BEFORE Thanksgiving at 2 A.M. my left ankle is on FIRE. I wake up screaming.

It’s like I’ve been in a hot bath that I’m trying to get out of, but the heat of the swelling has overtaken me and my skin is literally melting off of my body. I can feel my bones crying, blazing through my skin. As if they are going to rip through piece by piece.

The worst part is how tired I become; being stuck in a storm I wasn’t meant to endure.

The reality is that I don’t hate my body because it looks a certain way. I have to look at my body in its perfection as it actively destroys itself from the inside out, with no answer for why. I have no immune system and there’s the constant threat of inflammation in my joints, my brain, my heart, my liver, my eyes. The list is endless.

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It’s real, my body is on fire. This is how I’m going to die.

My ankle is the size of a grapefruit… I’m sobbing, begging for the searing pain to stop. It is too much and I’m seeing spots, fading.

How do you come to terms with your mortality at 26?

That this is your life now. There is no cure.

Who do you blame when there’s no one to blame?

How do you grasp that it will never get better?

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WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING TO MY BODY? I don’t deserve this…

I don’t look sick…

You learn quickly what little control you really have.

I grew up in the middle of nowhere surrounded by black walnut trees, blue skies, and open fields. I began learning to knead bread from my grandmother when I was 10 and began baking rolls for family dinners by 13. We would till the garden in the spring and can our winter preserves through the summer heat. I was born knowing hard work, love, and good food.

I have always been skin and bones. My grandfather would say I ate like a bird, but yet I loved to eat. I ate what I wanted, how much I wanted, when I wanted. I am what everyone wants to be: thin, tall, beautiful, and wildly confident. I loved my body.

It's a mental game as much as a physical game.

Consider all the hard work your body puts into keeping you alive, to keeping you moving. How easy, or not easy it is to get out of bed; wash your face, tie your shoes, comb your hair, or button your favorite flannel. Can I go on that trip? Will I get sick? If I eat this will it cause more inflammation? Can I walk up those steps?

Will I have children? I have to think about these things. On. And on. And on.

I get so damn tired of thinking about these things every second of every day.

So I persevere. It’s as simple as that. I take one day at a time and keep looking for any solution that might help. To try, even on the days I really don’t want to. I give myself permission to have days when I don’t fight the pain or the tears, the fear and regret. To look at my hands and scream at the pain within them. But I also use those days to give me strength for the next moment to overcome and the next step forward into the light.

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It’s a wicked joke being diagnosed with Seronegative Rheumatoid Arthritis at 21.

In your senior year of college, a whole life ahead of you, and not a damn thing figured out yet, but a future of chronic fatigue set at your doorstep ready to cripple you one painful flareup at a time. Please, come on in.

My livelihood is dependent upon an immunitysuppressing weekly injection now, where weeks are controlled by whether I will deal with the medication side effects or inflammation flares.

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I am not just a survivor, but a warrior, continuing to fight for the want to fight.

There are days I hate my body for its fragility and days I admire it for its resilience. There are horrific moments of defeat and grateful moments of triumph.

My body is a temple, and it is also a battleground.

I will not lose. &

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Journey The

ARE YOU ENJOYING THIS PREVIEW? Of Body & Soul

WORDS AND IMAGES BY CHRISTINE AMOROSO

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MY MEMORY IS vague as to exactly when it happened, but there was a clear distinction between the way boys related to me before I had boobs and the way they treated me once my breasts appeared. Flat chested in my two-piece bathing suit, running barefoot through sprinklers and wet grass I was just a girl, tanned with long, straight, sun bleached hair. Riding my Schwinn and ruling the streets with my sisters and girlfriends, we rode right past the neighbor boys, mostly unnoticed. Long summer days and childhood games after dusk usually brought us together. All within a few years of one another, we were friends.

of high school cliques. Doors opened, I belonged.

Seasons came and went, and before I realized I would not stay a girl forever, my body had already received the message. The small bumps forming beneath my handmade halter top developed without drama or fanfare, I hardly noticed. Then one day shopping with my mom at Fedco, all five kids in tow, she showed me a boxed training bra, with a fresh-faced girl on the cover. She asked me if I liked it, and did I want it. I smiled and said yes and she tossed it in the shopping cart along with the cheese blintzes and liverwurst, no big deal.

Desperate to maintain my hard body status, I traded workouts for enjoying life. With an air of confidence, I evoked a more evolved self, proclaimed a strong belief system that included the importance of a good mind and heart, compassion and caring. I encouraged others to release their insecurities. I spoke of self-love, acceptance, and the beauty that existed within us. I was a phony, a fake, everybody’s cheerleader, except my own.

I’m sure the physical changes were gradual, but the boys snickered and laughed, yelling from their lockers, “Christine grew overnight!” I had to agree, my breasts seemed to have emerged from nowhere. Honestly, one day they were just there, and words like BIG and HUGE were used to describe them. This was hardly the case. They were an optical illusion against my barely fourteen, thin, muscular, frame.

Forty years ago, breast implants were a rarity. Natural and braless was the look. Perhaps my breasts did seem big in that context. It’s all relative I suppose.

Years passed and I realized that the circumstances of my life reflected the fruits of my labor. I was fit as a fiddle, but what I wanted most was missing, good relationships with my children, a shared life, and happiness. What would my life be like if I traded all those hours at the gym for therapy, self-reflection, meditation, yoga, and loving those who meant, and still mean, so much to me?

Secretly, I fretted about my outward appearance. Even after two pregnancies in my teens, loss of full breasts, divorce, a full time job and single motherhood, I managed to maintain a workout regime that kept me toned and trim and master of my identity. Unlike the men in my life, my children, and the messiness of those relationships, my body seemed easy to control. I was rewarded for my hard work with a constant stream of compliments, and I fished for them as I dressed to reveal my hard work.

&&&

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As my chest grew so did admiration from boys. I started high school outfitted in the lowest of low-rise jeans, a bare midriff, and boobs. I was noticed and I liked it. My newfound popularity brought wanted attention, cat calls, and whistles from the cutest boys, some of them assholes, but I didn’t care. The girl with the nose too big for her face became the girl with the good figure, the hot body. My vain and shallow teenage-self thrived in the self-absorbed world

I changed my priorities, turned my focus inward and began to live the life I pretended to live so many years ago.

I surrounded myself with the love and support of likeminded people and released those who did not honor or respect me. Magically, I no longer needed the approval of those who did not matter.

Older and wiser, I like who I am; all of me, inside and out. I do not regret my past or my path. Instead I thank this body of mine, this lovely aging vessel that carries me through my remarkable journey, my beautiful life. &

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Alex

In previous articles, we’ve structured our stories as profiles of the people we interviewed, but that doesn’t feel appropriate here. There’s no way to do justice to the complexity of these women’s lives, to boil them down to a paragraph. When we talked with these women, friends of ours, they were so open with us, but all we could hope to hear were mere glimpses of their lives.

We’d like to share some of these glimpses with you.

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WORDS BY RADHIKA & IAN MCDIARMID

When you enter a room, you enter a conversation that started long before you got there, long before you were even born. Existing in your own body is a statement, and for some, like the women of color we talked to, that statement is all too apparent in their daily lives.

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When Rumin finds herself in a room full of men, she knows they won’t be inclined to listen to her, or even look her in the eyes. They’ll certainly be unlikely to take her ideas seriously.

During Ramadan her coworkers ask her if she’s fasting. It seems to be on all their minds.

Pam gets sideways looks at international conferences when her name tag says she’s from Georgia. She regularly encounters people on the street who yell out to her. Sometimes it’s a token Chinese word. Sometimes it’s just a made up noise, something imagined to be vaguely Chinese.

Daysi always makes sure to dress professionally.

She wants people to know she expects to be taken seriously. Some of the students she works with are Latino. Sometimes people think she’s a student too. In her first job, she knew that the best way to implement changes was to have her junior male colleague present them.

When Malaika had a question in her science courses in college, she knew if she asked it, she risked leaving her classmates, predominantly white and male, with the image of the confused black girl who couldn’t keep up in class. She remembers taking college classes when she was in high school in New Orleans. There she was surrounded by black students. She even had black professors.

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Alex enters every space and tries to get her bearings. As a black woman there are visible cues about the others in the room she has to take into account. She tries to focus on the social dynamics—the rules of the space.

She knows she has something important to contribute and she’s trying to shape the space so she can be heard. ››› VOLUME III | 73

There’s a moment when you first realize your body isn’t all your own. Despite all your hopes and dreams, ideas and beliefs, you are irrevocably tied to a body and that body itself is a symbol. All your hopes and dreams, ideas and beliefs have to be filtered through your always already-there body.

Malaika

When Rumin was five, her mom hosted her boss and his family for dinner. His children started talking about what they were going to get from Santa that year. Rumin said, “But you know he’s not real, right? It’s your parents.” Her mom’s boss always gave her mom a hard time for that.

Rumin didn’t even know kids really believed in Santa.

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In elementary school, Pam’s mom would drop her off and say goodbye in Chinese. She hated that. She just wanted to be like everybody else. She also hated Chinese school, every Saturday from 2-4, which happens to be when all the birthday parties happened. But at least she could bond with the other kids at Chinese school. They understood.

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When Daysi got to high school, she started getting tracked into advanced classes, separating her from her Latino friends. When the fact she was Latina would come up, her AP classmates would say, “Oh, but you’re not like them.

You’re better than that.” Sometimes she thought they were right, she was actually a white girl that liked white girl things like American Eagle and Hollister.

When Malaika was in preschool her white friend would pull on Malaika’s hair and say, “Ding dong.” Malaika would act like she was answering the door. It was a game. When her mom found out, she told her she shouldn’t let white girls touch her hair like that. She’s got sisterlocks now. She regularly gets knowing eyes and cryptic greetings, like “Hey, sister,” from other black women with them. It’s like she’s part of a club.

Alex spent the first eleven years of her life in the Ivory Coast. There her dark skin was celebrated, her body was affirmed. When she started going to school in the US, she regularly got jabs about her dark skin. Teachers in her AP classes tried to tell her how to find the regular classes downstairs. Boys said they didn’t normally like dark girls, but she was cute.

Your body can be heavy sometimes. It’s not easy to have to worry not just about what you want to say, but how you have to say it. It can be like swimming upstream in a world that sees you and thinks it already knows who you are and what you’re like. Sometimes you need to control your own story.

When Rumin is with people she’s comfortable around, she doesn’t really feel like she has a labeled identity. She’s just herself. Sometimes it’s about clothes. She’s always on the lookout for people who appear out of the ordinary, not wearing the socially agreed upon DC dress code. Sometimes it’s about life experiences. She doesn’t have to explain herself to people who grew up in similar families, who had similar experiences. In the right spaces, with the right people. She’s a person, not a role.

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Pam had a lot of Chinese American friends in high school and college. They just seemed to understand each other, all being the children of Chinese immigrants. On weekends, they would go out to clubs and pretend to be sisters, just for fun. She likes being Chinese American. She’s likes having this other side to her life. She’s going to China this summer.

Daysi finds comfort in embracing her culture. She never really cared to learn Spanish as a kid, but now she’s fluent, or almost fluent. She still stumbles a bit. She embraces her mom’s home-cooked food that she used to only grudgingly accept. She likes dancing, too—salsa, bachata, and merengue.

She feels more like the rule, less like an exception. ›››

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Malaika knows she can’t really control whether or not people know she’s black or a woman. But she can control what they know about her religion. She gets pleasure in telling people she’s Muslim. She likes to watch their face change as they try to reconstruct some of their narratives about who Muslim people are, who Muslim women are, what they sound like, how they dress. She likes those moments when her story is her own to write.

my thighs are really strong and muscular and don’t make apologies for it."

Daysi

This story doesn't have a conclusion. There is no single story to conclude. There are only glimpses into the experiences of women navigating the sometimes treacherous gap between who the world thinks they are and who they know themselves to be. We're grateful to know a little more about these woman, to see a little clearer the unseen wonder of the lives they lead.

We'll leave you with a final quote from Alex.

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Alex told us, “I’m in this place in my life where, whatever features people believe are not European, I play up a lot. I wear nose rings because I think my nose is beautiful and I think you should see it. I wear really bold lips because I think my lips are beautiful and I think you should see them.

I work out a lot and feel really good about the fact that

"It is always a process to wake up every day and own everything that makes me a black woman and find pride in it. I’m thankful for that experience.” &

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body of friendship WORDS & IMAGES BY LAUREL HERRICK

THERE WERE FIVE of us – Emily, Ava, Sofia, Mikayla and myself.* Five young women full of life and joy huddled over cappuccinos and chai lattes. After months of planning a weekend retreat, it was finally happening! We got together over lunch and made cozy plans to meet in an old white farmhouse.

Mid October we gathered for our retreat. The flowers were dead and the grass was brown and brittle; autumn was settling comfortably on the hills of Southern Missouri, but we had never felt so alive.

I arrived in the late afternoon. The driveway gravel made a comfortable crunching sound under the tires. Before I could step out of my car my friends had gathered around me, laughing for no apparent reason, hugging me and pulling me into the farmhouse all at the same time. In that moment I felt more loved and accepted than any one person deserves. ›››

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a group of friends works as a team, loving, guiding, supporting and bringing to light the core beauty of each member.

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&&& “Can I ask you guys something?” Ava asked us. Only a few minutes had passed before we were drinking hot tea and sitting on kitchen linoleum. I smiled – thinking how easily we slipped into comfortable conversations.

“Of course dear” I said, “We’re always here for you.”

ARE YOU ENJOYING THIS PREVIEW? “I’m at a crossroads in my career.” Ava continued to explain the situation. “Do I stay where I’m at or pursue this opportunity in Chicago?” I think we all recognized this was a heavy decision she couldn’t bear alone. Immediately, Mikayla and Emily leaned forward, offering support. Sofia asked thoughtful questions. We were able to provide objective perspectives and encouragement, becoming a network Ava could rely on.

CLICK HERE TO GET THE FULL ISSUE As the discussion continued, a thought struck me: we bring out the finest qualities in each other! A good friend makes you the best that you can be. Iron sharpening iron.

And a group of friends works as a team, loving, guiding, supporting and bringing to light the core beauty of each member. That’s what my friends and I did for each other – we encompassed the phrase “body of friendship” or “true friendship”.

C.S. Lewis explains the “body of friendship” perfectly in his book The Four Loves: "In each of my friends there is something that only some other friend can fully bring out. By myself I am not large enough to call the whole man into activity; I want other lights than my own to show all his facets... Hence, true Friendship is the least jealous of loves. Two friends delight to be joined by a third, and three by a fourth...”

Emily pulled herself up from the kitchen floor.

“Let’s go for a walk in the woods.” Sunshine warmed our faces and we felt nothing but happiness. Mikayla led us to the creek bed below the farmhouse where the water was clear and cold. Our retreat was going quite nicely! I sat back on the grass and quietly observed the pretty scene. Mikayla and Sofia were climbing trees (they were the thrill-seekers of our group), while Emily was telling Ava about her latest novel.

I heard someone walking up behind me. It was Mikayla – she sat down beside me and hugged her knees.

“Whatchu thinking about Laurel?” she asked.

“Oh… not much. I think I might write a piece on our weekend together.” Mikayla nodded thoughtfully.

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“Any idea what you’ll say?” I paused. I told her what I’d been thinking:

“Individually, you (my friends) and I are unique; some of us are adrenaline junkies while others are more reserved characters and there are definitely coffee-drinkers versus tea-drinkers. Life is playing out differently for each of us – whether it be college, marriage or ambitious careers. Nevertheless, we are a body of friends – inseparable through the triumphs and trials of life. We push each other forward!”

To the reader: No matter who you are or what you do, always surround yourself with good friends. They will spot you through life’s challenges, they will give you warm companionships and you will support them with love in return. Two, three, four, (or more) friends bring out the best in each other – working together as a body. After all, “true Friendship is the least jealous of loves.” & *names changed for privacy VOLUME III | 79

THE HUMAN BODY IS THE BEST WORK OF ART. - JESS C. SCOTT

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ILLUSTRATION BY JESSIE LIEBER VOLUME III | 81

How Illness Taught Me

To Trust My Body Again WORDS BY ROCHELLE BOHANNON // IMAGES BY MARIA JOHNS

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ARE YOU ENJOYING THIS PREVIEW? I WAS SEVENTEEN years old when my life was turned upside down on me. But this wasn’t your average “life-changing” moment. It was stealthy and unconventional.

Up until this point in my life, I felt very safe living in my body. I felt like physically, I was normal. I felt strong. I can honestly say that I was happy with my body and I loved it, both internally and externally.

CLICK HERE TO GET THE FULL ISSUE And on a warm April evening in 2004, the body that I took so much comfort in started betraying me.

I began experiencing random episodes of intense abdominal pain and uncontrollable vomiting. The pain came with waves of nausea, drifting in and out of consciousness and endless, relentless retching. This first attack landed me straight into the emergency room, as would every single attack thereafter.

I saw multiple specialists including: gastroenterologists, neurologists, psychiatrists, dieticians, and more. Every single test came back normal.

I had countless procedures to probe and investigate what the problem could be. I had my gallbladder removed on a doctor’s whim. I was so desperate for answers, I had a body part removed. It’s a little nuts when you think about it, but at the time, it was all I had.

Many potential diagnoses were thrown around: Pancreatitis. Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome. Abdominal Migraines. Sphincter of oddi dysfunction. All very uncertain. My life became an unpredictable roller coaster of these attacks. And with that, I developed a very unique case of anxiety. This situation quickly developed into full mind-body chaos.

On the outside, I looked normal. But inside, something was obviously very wrong. Physically, I was a mess. Emotionally, I was broken.

UNCONVENTIONAL METHODS OF HEALING Over time, I completely lost trust in my body’s ability to function as it was meant to.

WE OFFER PRINT ISSUES, DIGITAL ISSUES, AND PLENTY OF SUBSCRIPTION OPTIONS! Food became a really strange space for me, since much of the time I was throwing it up. I developed a ton of anxiety around eating, and this quickly transformed into a very physical thing. Even when I didn’t *think* that food was an issue, my body took over and quickly told me that it was. I thought of myself as sick, but more importantly, I felt so sick. ›››

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I was so desperate for answers, I had a body part removed.

And then doctors started prescribing me medications. First up, pain medicine to help me try to manage my attacks at home along with nausea meds to counteract the side effects of the pain medicine. Then came the anxiety medications to help me stay calm before, during, and after my attacks. Next up: the “special” meds, the ones that I was told to use a little unconventionally in order to attempt to get things under control. These included tranquilizers, antacids, and muscle relaxers. And then there was Adderall, prescribed to me by a psychiatrist because I was having so much trouble focusing on anything.

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By this time, almost seven years in, my body was such a mess that if you were to sit down and ask me today what exactly it was that I had, I would have a really hard time telling you. I know now that it started as Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome, but then over time, it morphed into something unrecognizable.

Toward the end, Sphincter of oddi dysfunction seemed to be taking over, but that isn’t really relevant anymore. I ended up seeing an addiction specialist who opened my eyes to the fact that now, the medications were my biggest problem.

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RESTARTING MY BODY So, I had to do the work to clean my body up. It took almost 2 years and it was hard. I went through withdrawals. I had some major complications. I spent a ton of time feeling pretty gross. But I dove into my health and embraced a really holistic approach to how I took care of my body. I started to get excited about eating well and natural remedies and everything else that comes along with this space.

I finally realized that that night in April, my body was not actually betraying me like I had thought. Instead, it was crying out. It was completely out of balance and it was asking me for help. It took me seven years to finally listen.

Once I tuned in, I was finally able to start healing.

And with that, I found the ability to trust my body again.

What does this trust look like? For me, it’s being able to eat without discomfort, pain, anxiety, and the dreaded Emergency Room visits that I had grown so accustomed to. It’s knowing that my body can only function at its best when I take the best care of it that I can. It’s real food, regular exercise, meditation, and chiropractic visits. It means that medications are always a last resort, chemicals are minimized (in food, beauty products, etc.) and that I pay very close attention to triggers like stress and overwhelm.

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Above all else, trusting my body means that I listen to it.

Life is messy and loud, so it can be really hard to do this. Tuning inward takes practice. It takes determination and a real, true commitment to living in the body that you are given and respecting every inch of your flesh and bones. It takes persistence and willpower. And it takes grace. As fierce as we must be when it comes to taking back our health and empowering our bodies, we must also let ourselves soften and relax. This is where the trust takes over big-time.

Trust means that I respect my body and never, ever take it for granted. I wake up every single day and recognize how lucky I am to have been given the opportunity to live in my body, right now. I think about how fortunate I am to have been given this awful experience and turned it into the catalyst for my best physical and emotional life. There was a time when I hated my illness.

But now, I love that I walked such a crazy path to find health.

Trust takes time and it takes work. But it is so, so worth it. & 84 | 2017 COLLECTION

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WE ARE

MORE THAN OUR

BODIES

INTERVIEW BY MADISEN QUICK // WORDS BY HANNAH WILDMAN // IMAGES BY HAYLEY WERNICKE VOLUME III | 87

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WE WERE IMMEDIATELY INTRIGUED WHEN LEARNING ABOUT AUSTRALIA’S WE ARE MORE THAN OUR BODIES. THEIR MISSION OF INSPIRING WOMEN TO EMBRACE THEIR UNIQUE SELVES AND LOVE THEIR INNER ESSENCE IS SOMETHING WE CAN DEFINITELY GET ON BOARD WITH. HERE, WE INTERVIEW HANNAH WILDMAN, THE CREATOR OF THIS BEAUTIFUL PROJECT.

ARE YOU ENJOYING THIS PREVIEW? WOMEN ARE SO DRAWN TO YOUR PROJECT FOR ITS UNAPOLOGETIC CELEBRATION OF WOMEN, SOULS, BODIES, AND ALL, AND SO OFTEN THE BEST PROJECTS START FROM A PERSONAL PLACE. HANNAH, WHAT PERSONAL EXPERIENCE OF YOURS WAS THE PROJECT WAS BORN OUT OF?

My inspiration are my 2 girls (5 and 3), not wanting them to grow up hating their bodies as much as I hated mine.

As a mother I want to ensure they understand that the conditioning that society puts on us about needing to look a certain way is not realistic & to always love who they are inside and to be themselves regardless of what others think. I was awakened to this when I was getting ready to take my girls for a swim at the local water park, I slipped my winter body into my summer bikini and was about to check out my muffin tops in the mirror when my then 2 year old said “Mummy you’re so beautiful”.

I realised then that showing my girls that I was comfortable in my body was far more important than worrying about how other people perceive me.

Sometime later I came across a similar project and whilst looking at the photos with tears running down my face I thought very passionately about doing this here [in Australia].

I knew other women would relate to the message as I had, so the seed was planted.

ON EMPOWERING, RAW SHOTS OF WOMEN. WHERE DID YOUR TEAM GET THE ART DIRECTION FOR THE SHOOT IN DECIDING TO SHOOT IN THE RAINFOREST AND WHAT THE WOMEN WOULD WEAR?

YOUR PHOTOGRAPHER IS HAYLEY OF HADAS, AN AMAZING PHOTOGRAPHER WITH A PORTFOLIO FOCUSING

Something that was really important to me at the last photoshoot was making each woman feel safe as they entered this sacred space. Sage burning,

dreamcatchers lining the trees down the path, the angelic voice paired with the richness of the harmonium guided the women into the meditation space, joining in circle around the floral mandala in preparation for meditation was all part of the sensory experience.

The guided meditation takes the women to a time when a comment about their physical body was directed at them or their own negative self talk made them question their differences from others, creating insecurities. This then became their disempowering statement. The negative beliefs about our bodies were cleansed by burning sacred herb releasing the women from the hold on their own self acceptance.

With the beat of the medicine drums awakening their dormant power the women were asked to look within their heart space to find the essence of who they really are and bring that to the surface for them to move forward and create their empowering statement.

CLICK HERE TO GET THE FULL ISSUE As soon as I decided to embark on this project I knew Hayley was the photographer to encompass the untouched essence of a woman standing in her vunerability. We chose the locations for their natural beauty which is how we want the women to be shown. The rainforest where the first photoshoot was located, Hayley had used for her photoshoots previously, it was an obvious location for the first shoot for its pure beauty. The tree for the second shoot I'd been to with my children and is locally known as the magical faraway tree after the children's story by Enid Blyton. The size of the tree is immense and it stands in its power with no wavering.

Could you imagine how different the world would be if all women stood in their power?

Following the meditation we take a couple of group photos which I think breaks down any worries the women have about baring all. Getting down to our underwear together surprisingly feels completely normal.

Hayley then ushers us around for the best shot. From there we all devoured and delighted in nibbling on delicious chocolate while we waited our turn to have our individual photos taken. The process of facing insecurities for some of the women can be quite emotional so tears can flow. I think this brings the women closer as we're all supportive of one another on the day and with the tears there's also lots of laughter and connection. ›››

WE OFFER PRINT ISSUES, DIGITAL ISSUES, AND PLENTY OF SUBSCRIPTION OPTIONS! WE CANNOT IMAGINE THE AMOUNT OF EMPOWERMENT, EXCITEMENT, AND MAGIC THAT MUST BE BUZZING IN THE AIR ON PHOTOSHOOT DAYS. WALK US THROUGH, WHAT IS THE DAY LIKE? DID WE HEAR THAT YOU HAVE A MEDITATION SESSION BEFORE?

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As said by a mother from the latest photoshoot - 'After the births of both my daughters, my weight has always been a focus from a few people, I've never been one to "bounce back" to my pre-baby body, and that's a good thing - because my body has grown and changed in so many ways that I don't want it to go back to the exact way it once was. I've been told that I'm fat and that I should lose my baby weight, it's stuck in my head over the years and at times made me feel incredibly low. I have always had really bad self esteem, for as long as I can remember, so comments like this have always hit really hard and made it so much worse. People don't realise how damaging their words can be. Why can't we celebrate the amazing things that women's bodies can do - like carrying and birthing babies instead of focusing on their looks?'

ARE YOU ENJOYING THIS PREVIEW?

CLICK HERE TO GET THE FULL ISSUE ONE THING WE LOVED ABOUT YOUR PHOTOSHOOT WAS THE INCLUSION OF THE CHILDREN OF THESE WOMEN BECAUSE SO OFTEN WE ARE TOLD TO BELIEVE THAT "BABIES RUIN BODIES".

WHY IS IT IMPORTANT FOR YOU TO FEATURE MOTHERS WITH THEIR CHILDREN AND HOW WOULD YOU RESPOND TO THIS IDEA THAT "BABIES RUIN BODIES"?

My response to babies ruining bodies is one of sadness as I believe having babies makes you more aware of just how amazing our bodies are. Women can grow, give birth, and keep babies alive with only their bodies, what's more amazing than that?!

AS MUCH AS THE PROJECT IS ABOUT USING PHOTOGRAPHY TO TELL THIS STORY OF THE IMPORTANCE BEYOND OUR BODIES TO A WIDER AUDIENCE, IT ALSO SEEMS TO BE ABOUT THE MEANINGFUL, TRANSFORMATIVE EXPERIENCE THE WOMEN IN THE PHOTOS ARE HAVING IN CREATING THESE IMAGES. HOW DOES THE EXPERIENCE OF SELF-REFLECTION AND BEING PHOTOGRAPHED IN THIS WAY HAVE AN EFFECT ON THESE WOMEN? ALTHOUGH THEY STARTED OUT AS STRANGERS, HOW HAVE YOU SEEN THE PROJECT BRINGING THEM CLOSER? I don't see all the transformation on the day but the women contact me in the days following with messages of their change in awareness of how they feel about their bodies. It also brings up a lot of sadness as the women confront the negative thoughts stemming from their pasts. They take away a positive outlook I believe as they become aware of their own insecurities through the meditation, once they are awakened to this it opens up more awareness of how conditioned we are by society. They then reflect on what it is they love about themselves, really love, without their fears stopping them. Imagine if all you felt for your body was pure love then imagine how empowered that would make you feel. What this project does is allow women to feel that for a moment in time and they can take that away with them to explore and expand. ›››

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Featuring mothers is only natural as the project is for all women and as babies are so attached to their mothers bodies for some time after birth some of the women want to include their babies.

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This was a response to our photos last year - 'It saddens me every day when sitting as Santa, when a mum won't sit with her child because her hair’s a mess, she doesn't have make-up on, or she's not dressed for the photo and looks tardy.

Ladies, your beauty comes from within and you are beautifully and wonderfully made by a Great Loving God'.

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The women on the day were bought closer in part when we took our clothes off and bared our vulnerability for all to see, it broke through the barriers of insecurity and allowed us to connect on a deeper level and many left as friends. I think the chocolate helped too, we were all oohing and aahing over the delicious gift of the gods.

FOR MANY WOMEN STRUGGLING WITH BODY IMAGE ISSUES, THEIR PHYSICAL BODIES CAN START TO FEEL LIKE THE ENEMY. WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO SIMULTANEOUSLY LOVE AND CARE FOR YOUR BODY WHILE ALSO LEARNING THAT, AS YOUR PROJECT SAYS, YOU ARE SO MUCH MORE THAN YOUR BODY? WHY IS THIS IMPORTANT IN TODAY'S SOCIETY?

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CLICK HERE TO GET THE FULL ISSUE

For me, I know I've spent way too much time in my life obsessing about what I look like, how others perceive me and filling my mind with negative self talk when I felt I didn't fit the unrealistic ideal I thought I should be. I think a much better way of being is to instead free our mind of self hate and negative thoughts and replacing it with love and respect for our bodies to focus on living our lives with joy and the freedom to be who we want to be.

The importance of this in today’s society is for girls growing up to know that they are enough as they are and the images they see everywhere of trim and toned bodies creating doubt and insecurity in their minds are photo shopped, surgically enhanced, and have lots of money spent on them. There seems to be too much emphasis on how we’re all looking, but not enough on how we're all living.

WHAT ARE SOME PRACTICES THAT WE AS WOMEN CAN USE TO INCORPORATE THIS IDEA THAT WE ARE MORE THAN OUR BODIES INTO OUR DAILY LIVES? Becoming aware of our negative self talk is so important, catching ourselves doing it and turning it around to instead focus on what we love about ourselves and our bodies.

I also think if you want to wear a bikini to the beach, wear a bikini why are we so worried about someone else’s silent judgment? Often what we think they are thinking about us is our own insecurities creating a story about how others perceive us. There are also times when people say out loud their judgements and that can he hard to hear for anyone. It saddens me that people think its OK and that they have a right to judge others in this way, it actually says more about the person judging than the one being judged. Keep your self love strong and don't allow others to break your strength.

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A quote that I love from Tony Childs is “If we as women can stop the violence we inflict on ourselves everyday that way the world won’t mirror it back to us'.

WHAT'S NEXT FOR WE ARE MORE THAN OUR BODIES? I'm excited for the future of We Are More Than Our Bodies, my head is in overdrive with ideas. I've had requests to take this interstate and even over to New Zealand. Planning is underway and details will be updated on our Facebook and Instagram pages. &

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THERE SEEMS TO BE TOO MUCH EMPHASIS ON HOW WE’RE ALL LOOKING, BUT NOT ENOUGH ON HOW WE'RE ALL LIVING.

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BR

eautiful eflections

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JEANS AND A TEE. A LITTLE BLACK DRESS. WORKOUT GEAR. MOST WOMEN HAVE THAT ONE OUTFIT THAT MAKES THEM FEEL BEAUTIFUL. IT’S THE OUTFIT THAT THEY PUT ON WHEN THEY WANT TO TAKE ON THE WORLD AND CELEBRATE EXACTLY WHO THEY ARE. HERE, WE TALKED WITH NINE WOMEN ABOUT WHAT THAT OUTFIT LOOKS LIKE TO THEM.

JULISSA RIOS

instagram.com/fiercely_julie My confidence radiating from within is what makes this outfit special to me. When I put outfits together I don't just take into consideration as to what matches well or how this is going to look on me, but rather, what best fits my confidence. However, I do enjoy dresses most especially, those with just the right details such as this one with its bow tie!

This one here is to all my beauties who have ever felt like they couldn't wear something-wear it. Remember you are wearing you, not the clothing.

Be confident, bold, and fiercely inspiring.

PHOTO BY EDUARDO SEPULVEDA

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JACKY ANDREWS howlandrose.com

In all honesty, choosing an outfit for myself that exemplifies beauty, not to mention being photographed in it, was extremely difficult. I’m not one to enjoy the spotlight, hence my profession of staying behind a camera.

Traditional standards of beauty may not agree with my theory: that beauty is synonymous with comfort. With that said, it shouldn’t come as a complete shock that my outfit of choice is a humble one. Skinny jeans and a tee are my sweet spot-- the ultimate fair weather outfit. With this combo, I’m ready for anything, I look good, and I feel beautiful!

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CHELSEA OLIVER chelsealeeoliver.com

This outfit doesn’t mean anything to me. Tank, leggings, and Dollar Store hightops. Simple. But day in and day out I’m at the gym in something similar and I guess why this outfit makes me feel beautiful is that two years ago, I wouldn’t have fit in it. I wouldn’t have been able to hold that weight on my back long enough for someone to take a picture either. I wouldn’t be wearing this outfit because I never stepped in a gym. Until one day, when I needed something for me. I don’t lift because I hate my body, I lift because I love it and am obsessed with seeing what it can accomplish.

ARE YOU ENJOYING THIS PREVIEW? PHOTO BY TRAVIS HUNT

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MIKAELA PABON instagram.com/mikaela.pabon Green is my absolute favorite color, but surprisingly, I don't have a lot of it in my closet. So when I found this kimono, I had to have it! I knew that I'd be able to wear it with lots of different items - and that it would be the perfect summer layering piece. Pairing it with this monochrome, tropical print romper was a no-brainer for me, since I love mixing prints. I feel beautiful because I feel confident!

ARE YOU ENJOYING THIS PREVIEW? IMAGE BY DENISSE BENITEZ

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NATALIE HUGHES istylebynatalie.com

As a personal wardrobe stylist, I’ve found what makes a woman feel her most beautiful self is to wear items that embody her life experiences and personality, thus reflecting her inner beauty for the rest of the world to see.

The outfit I’m wearing is a balance of classic, trendy, and unique, which is a combination that allows me to feel my most beautiful self.

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The classic silhouette of the dress is influenced by my Nana, whose timeless aesthetic taught me the importance of personal style. The fringe hemline is a salute to one of this season’s hottest trends and also my taste for organized creativity. The layered turquoise necklace is a vintage piece from the ‘70s, which is just as unique as me in my need for balance and the unexpected.

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As for the bare feet? It is an ode to my southern California roots, where I feel most comfortable sans shoes with sand squished between my toes.

I pick pieces for my clients that tell the world who they are and strive to do the same for myself. (below)

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LINDSAY LATIMER

bourbonlipstickandstilettos.com When I was asked to submit a picture of myself in an outfit that made me feel beautiful, I hesitated.

I gained 20 pounds in about 8 months due to stress and neglect, and I’m heavier now than I’ve ever been. The last thing I wanted to do was to take a full-body picture. I wore this outfit while celebrating with my family on Easter Sunday, and while it might not be the most flattering silhouette, I am happy. I am healthy and loved and alive and I can lose weight. But on this day I felt beautiful and whole. (above)

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SOPHIA KHOM

instagram.com/sophiakhom My personal style has certainly changed now that I’m no longer a teen. Something that hasn’t changed is my ongoing obsession with anything that has stripes and my love for the color blue which caught my attention to this shift dress. I love it because it is simple and comfortable— the best way to describe my style. My favorite thing about this dress is that it has pockets! The flattering off the shoulder cut is not only classy in my opinion, but also remains timeless. It’s perfect to wear in the spring or summer on a day out in California.

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CLICK HERE TO GET THE FULL ISSUE PHOTO BY CATHRINE KHOM

ALI GRAY

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instagram.com/darlingforaweekend

I love this outfit because I wore it the day we announced our pregnancy. After health issues and concerns that the day may never come, my husband and I planned a photoshoot to introduce our new addition. It hugged my barely-there baby bump perfectly and made me feel beautiful as a brand new mama. It was there for a sweet day of celebration between my husband and I! In this dress, I got to take time to soak in the miracle and blessing of the child God gave us.

PHOTO BY BROOKE TAELOR

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ALLI PETERS allipeters.com

The clothes that usually make me feel good are both functional and sustainable. If I can jump, run, squat, sit pretzel-legged on a floor in it AND found it at the thrift shop, then count me in. In recent years, I’ve grown to hate fast fashion and believe more in recycling our clothes and making sustainable purchases. That’s what makes this outfit so important to me, I can take pride in it because of where I bought it and because I was able to climb over a bunch of rocks and run across the beach in it.

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CLICK HERE TO GET THE FULL ISSUE PHOTO BY SABRINA STUEVE

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turning the lights on.

WORDS & IMAGES BY SHELLY NINO

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THE WOMEN IN my family have never been shy.

My mother, grandmother, aunts, and great-aunts undressed in front of me and one another with no fuss, comments, or self-deprecating jokes; it was all very natural and matter-of-fact. I am convinced this is why I was never self-conscious as a child despite my physique, which fluctuated between average and somewhat squishy. It was not until teenage-hood that I became aware of my body and the fact that others were aware of it too—perhaps a little too much. Like most—if not all— teenage girls, my body became a source of pride or pain depending on who its commentator was at any given time. One minute I had a beautiful hourglass figure, the next my backside was too flat for so-and-so’s liking. And even though I mostly liked my reflection, the voice of one or two critics haunted my esteem like faint laughs echoing in an abandoned home.

If the seeds of doubt were planted in teenage-hood, those suckers bloomed into something resembling venus flytraps when I became a mother. Any selfconfidence buzzing within my grasp was snatched up at the sight of stretch marks and extra weight looking back at me from the mirror. Not to mention what pregnancy and nursing did to my breasts.

When my girls were younger I liked to save time by showering with them. The three of us scrubbed and lathered and laughed away in that little 5x5 foot space, rushing to get our days started. Though, while most people consider their shower a daily sanctuary, a luxurious space to wash away the grime of each day, I went there and lost my dignity. Once, my youngest daughter who was four at the time, wanted to know something: namely, why my breasts were taking a nap on my belly. I thought to myself, Good Lord, is it that bad? The insecurity I felt from my daughter’s unsuspecting, innocent shower remarks extended beyond shower time. I remember beginning to

feel insecure about my body during sex, and what once felt like my time to shine and connect with my husband became time for lights off and pretending I was cold so we could use the covers. My husband insisted I was still the sexiest woman in his eyes and I assured myself, you’re still sexy by default; you’re having sex.

Stretch marks and extra weight were only the beginning. Six months after the birth of my first child I incurred a large third-degree burn on my right forearm and smaller burns on my legs from a kitchen fire. The burn on my arm was large and deep enough that it required a skin graft in order to heal. The new skin was taken from a 8x2 inch space between my hip and thigh, leaving me with fresh new scars on three areas of my body. I went from feeling practically flawless one year to being riddled with flaws and scars the next. I felt like a completely different person, a carnal crash test dummy.

But something changed over time. I gained another kid, thus new stretch marks and even sleepier breasts. I gained new wrinkles from smiling and laughing, and a few sunspots from basking in the sun. I gained a few pounds, lost them, and gained some more back. What I lost was giving a hoot. I didn't want my mental state to be dependent on my physique or skin anymore. I accepted that stretch marks are irreversible and my breasts would never again look like they did when I was 18. I changed my perspective on my scars and thought of them no longer as flaws but as being a part of my story. I decided that my imperfect body performed the most selfless act: giving life and nurturing those lives. It was time to lead my children by example and swim again, dance, let those sleepy breasts breathe, and for goodness sake turn those bedroom lights back on. After all, a body is just a body. But a body with something extra, now that’s a somebody. &

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postcards from

QUEBEC CITY WORDS & IMAGES BY TATIANA CICCARELLI

Paris is always a good idea...but for those of you who are in need of a French escape a little closer to home, Quebec City is la meilleure chose suivante!- the next best thing!

Within its walls, the only fortified city walls remaining north of Mexico, Quebec City bubbles with Parisian charm while possessing its own unique personality. A mix of Native American, British, and French influences converge in the cuisine, traditions, and language. While most New Yorkers flee the February cold for warmer destinations and sandy beaches, I happened to arrive during a particularly warm winter week. Needless to say, the QuĂŠbĂŠcois have mastered the art of winter fun despite the cold.

If a sacred, unique experience calls to you, join in the tradition of dogsledding at Adventure Plein Air Inukshuk (above). An hour and a half takes you through the frosted forest while urging on your team of wily, energetic pups.

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If luxury is a necessity, find yourself a room with a view at the Fairmont Le Chateau Frontenac- a massive, historic property towering over Vieux Quebec (above) and the Saint Lawrence River (left). Many of the rooms are recently updated and the on-site dining is on par with some of New York City's chicest spots, especially the gilded Champlain restaurant (below).

Snow lovers rejoice! Some of the most pristine mountains are within an hour's drive of Quebec City. However, if you prefer to forego the boots and buckles, head over to Le Massif and experience the world's longest toboggan run. Reaching speeds up to 45 mph, you'll feel like a kid again over this two-hour long run from the summit to the base. Not for the faint of heart- but it's the best way to appreciate winter's beauty in all its natural splendor.

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Before you depart, take a stroll on Dufferin Terrace (above) to marvel at the frozen river and town below. Then, pay 2.00 CAD, grab yourself a wooden sled, and climb up to the top of the city's ice slide, built in 1884. After a brief countdown, you'll hit speeds of 45 mph as you race down to the bottom (right)!

Quebec City has so much to offer both seasoned travelers and novices alike. You can practice your French while strolling the streets and shops of romantic and historic Petit Champlain in Vieux Quebec. Find a cozy cafe- they're everywhereorder a glass of rouge, and allow the travel glow to set in knowing you're only a few hours away from home.

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REGULAR CONTRIBUTORS AMY COOK, Books Wife and soccer mom by day, nerdy bookworm by night. Lover of wine, literature, pie and all things Gone With The Wind. instagram.com/amy1939

ERICA MUSYT, Movies Erica is a 30-something Virginia native who is passionate about family, friends, and the movies! She buys books faster than she reads them, loves ladybugs and all things purple. A movie star at heart, Erica is delighted to be aCONTRIBUTORS contributor to the HollAROUND and Lane movie section!

FIND OUR THE WEB. lookingtothestars.com

REGULAR CONTRIBUTORS

CHELSEA OLIVER, Music Chelsea Oliver is a lover of life in heels, coffee in hand, who runs the marketing department of a credit union by day and makes sassy stationery for her own business by night. Chelsea is an old soul in a powerlifting millennial body. She craves authenticity while loving every filter on Instagram and tweeting in all caps as necessary. chelsealeeoliver.com CHRISTINE AMOROSO Writer Christine is an Elementary School Principal in southern California. She happily loses sleep to write and blog in her spare time. Her stories reflect her personal journey, opening her heart and mind to endless possibilities.

Barenakedinpublic.com

SAMI ROSS, Writer Sami is a Chicago-based copywriter by day and Creative by night. Outside of her writing career, she likes to express her creativity through her yoga practice, and is working towards her teacher certification.

Currently, her favorite word is erleichda- a Tom Robbin’s creation that means “lighten up.” shross.com

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REGULAR CONTRIBUTORS GENESIS GEIGER Photographer

Genesis is a lifestyle and natural light photographer currently roaming Cincinnati, OH. In her work, she is moved by the quiet moments that sometimes go unnoticed, determined to capture the details that can get lost in the excitement, and completely captivated by the love that can be shared among humanity.

Through it all, Genesis’ passion is to freeze time and bring people together through her work. genesisgeiger.com ALLI PETERS Photographer

Alli is a midwestern photographer and content marketer currently based in Minneapolis, MN. From start to finish, Alli enjoys capturing raw moments - whether they’re of families and friends or landscapes and events, and using these moments to help people connect. allipeters.com

LINDA JOY NEUFELD Photographer

Linda Joy is a Pacific Northwest native who currently calls Chicago “home”. She is passionate about many things, particularly her husband, creativity, and making memories all over this beautiful earth.

When she’s not taking photos, you can find her reading or scribbling away her thoughts on either paper or her blog. lindajoy.weebly.com JACKY ANDREW Photographer

Jacky is a Los Angeles-based natural light lifestyle photographer who specializes in candid family photography. Her images reflect the genuinely loving, spontaneous, and perfectly imperfect moments in life, and her documentary-style photos preserve what makes each family special. howlandrose.com

JAMIE DEURMEIER Photographer

Jamie is a photographer based out of Portland, Oregon, where her love for outdoor adventures and natural beauty is sufficiently satisfied. She's passionate about creating images that capture the inner strength and beauty of her subjects, and believes that the best sessions are ones in which the subjects can feel both vulnerable and empowered. Her goal is to create an environment that allows for her subjects to encounter and express the bold nature within, and simply be there to capture it. jamiedeurmeier.com

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5 QUESTIONS WITH

JESSICA STANSBERRY JESSICA HAS BEEN AN ENTREPRENEUR SINCE 2010 WHEN SHE DITCHED THE CORPORATE WORLD AND ENTERED THE WORLD OF BUSINESS OWNERSHIP, WHILE SIMULTANEOUSLY ENTERING THE WORLD OF MOTHERHOOD. SHE IS THE JESSICA BEHIND “HEY JESSICA”, AN ONLINE CONTENT MACHINE DEDICATED TO PROVIDING ONLINE ENTREPRENEURS EASY-TO-FOLLOW, STEP-BY-STEP TUTORIALS FOR FIGURING OUT THE TECHY PARTS OF RUNNING THEIR BUSINESS. JESSICA BELIEVES IN HELPING BIZ OWNERS FIGURE THINGS OUT FOR THEMSELVES AND LOVES BEING A PART OF THAT BREAKTHROUGH. 1. If you could relive any moment from your past, what would it be?

I would absolutely love to go back and relive my babies being in their newborn phase. At the time it was hard and I was wishing it away like, “If he’ll just sit up” or “When he can walk things will be easier” so anytime I get baby fever, it’s more about how I wish MY babies were babies again (they’re 4 & 6) and less about wanting another baby.

2. What is one talent you don’t have but wish you did?

SINGING! I wish so hard that I could actually carry a tune in a bucket. I LOVE to sing, like super love it, but I can’t at all, so it’s not pleasant if I decide to belt it out when others are around.

3. What is the most important characteristic in another person to you?

Empathy. I believe that if every person were empathetic of anyone else’s situation and/or tried to see things from others’ eyes more often, we’d live in a much better place. I super-pink-fluffy-heart when I meet someone who is just as in tune with seeing the other side of things as I am because we can have intelligent, calm, thought-provoking conversations even when we don’t see eye-to-eye.

4. What is one material thing you cannot live without?

I have always had a love for photography (it was even one of my first businesses) and all things involved with it so if I had to pick one thing, I’d pick my camera because then I would know that any memories I was making or anything I was doing could be frozen in time with pictures and videos. I will say that my computer is coming it at a close second. I basically just want all things techy and creative with me at all times.

5. What is true happiness to you?

What an amazing question! True happiness to me is, honestly, just being healthy, happy, and content with my little family wherever we are. Happiness doesn’t come from a number after a dollar sign or the biggest house you can dream of, it comes from contentment and love, so as long as I have my family I can pretty well acquire those two things. & IMAGE BY ALEXANDRA MESEKE

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Holl & Lane is all about living authentically you, sharing your honest lives, and supporting one another in trials and triumphs.

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AND SHARE YOUR DAILY LIVES WITH US

VOLUME III | 111

HOLL AND

LANE A SA N C T UA RY FOR S O U L-FI LLE D STORI E S HO LLA ND LA NE MAG.CO M

112 | 2017 COLLECTION