SATYR
Question: Why are Indian Restaurants tax-exempt? Answer: Because they’re naan-profit organizations!
BETWEEN THE COVERS
There once was an old man from Norway, Who cussed as he sat in his doorway, “If only”, he said, “I had a bigger bed,” “We could have completed this fourway.”
IT’S NOT ABOUT SIZE, BUT HOW FUNNY
Dear North Korea, Would you stop already? You’ve done enough today. We excused you for picking on your sister South Korea because quite frankly she’s odd. I mean, she calls that pop? And always inviting over those people. I can’t stand the singing. But seriously, you should be nice to her. She does make a mean barbeque. No matter how hard you try to pass it off as your own, we all know the recipe is hers. You really should be less petty.
Quesion: Why don’t strippers respond to fires? Answer: Because it takes them too long to slide down the pole! Question: Who’s the only male celebrity with three balls? Answer: Frosty the Snowman!
-UP
Question: What dating website do rocks use? Answer: Carbon-dating!
Dear South Korea, Ahn-Nyeong! How’re those spare ribs coming along? I wish I knew the recipe. Email it to me sometime. I just wanted to let you know that I’ve spoken to your brother. Understand he’s going through some changes right now that even he doesn’t understand. He’s making new friends. Some of them gay black giants. It’s all very new and he’s really sensitive about it.
ine This magaz of te s is a wa . e e tr a good
Dear Africa, Sorry I had to address this one to the continent. You and I both know, it’s not that I don’t have the resources to help you out, I just don’t care that much. Like I say I do, but really everyday is opposite day. You know how it is with the prosperity and every day is a holiday. Maybe you don’t. How’s the malaria? Or was it AIDS? I can’t remember. I really should write more often. P.S. Hope you got those Tom’s I bought myself. Dear Canada, Stop trying to be us. It’s annoying. Dear Mexico, I left the back door unlocked so just come in quietly.
-TL
12 USLESS INVENTIONS 1. An inflatable dart-board 2. A solar-powered torch 3. Powdered water 4. A waterproof sponge 5. Carb-free bread 6. A biodegradable time-capsule 7. Women’s rights 8. A wireless cable 9. A 3-D radio station 10. Melt-in-your-mouth chewing gum 11. PG-13 pornography 12. A holy (holey) umbrella
-UP Sometimes you just need to fill space.
-TL The economy is so bad I went to a prostitute for a hand job but all I could get was a hand internship.
-AC
POKÉMON BATTLE TIPS! 1. If your Pokémon ask for a raise, agree on a number that’s fair to both sides. Then, put that money in a pile, and set it on fire. This will remind them they’re your fight-slaves. 2. At some point, your Pokémon are going to ask you who their real parents are. This is the perfect opportunity to replace these Pokémon. 3. Some Pokémon are easily offended. Resist the urge to mutter, “Guess it’s someone’s time of the Pokémonth.” 4. If your Pokémon are saying things like, “Why can THEY use the N-word but WE can’t?” don’t judge. Just try and get those Pokémon killed first.
LOS ANGELES ODE TO BOSTON Our cities start miles a part, We feuded from our coasts, With sports in mind, we were unkind, From Pride we each did boast. You had fall leaves, we had palm trees, You Celtics, we the Lakers, Till that day that blew away, All those difference makers. An innocent run blotted the sun, The nation came to aid, LA was left with much bereft, We drank our haterade. Kings wept with fear, held back the tears, As your empire shook, That sad day when Boston Bay, Had it’s spirit took. From Stanley Cup we drank up, The rivalry we brew, Foe raised it’s head and instead, We gave a toast to you. Here from Olympic to Pacific, Shadows crossed o’er land, Our flags were cast at half mast, Our salads all fell bland. Tinsel Town carried a frown, Chihuahuas fell silent, Scripts went unread or so they said, I forgot to pay my rent. ‘Twas through Hollywood we understood, Your tendency to fight, To you our peers who gave us “Cheers”, We know you’ll be alright. O’ Puritan City great n’ grity, Rise up remember when, “You poured tea into laughing sea”, Things will get better again.
-AS
-A.Kokkinos This may get uncomfortable. Buckle up. It’s Satyr!
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That much is up to you. Only 500 copies were made. What will become of your issue? Will you sell it? Let’s hope so. Keep it pristine. We’ll be waiting for you.........
Dear Reader, It is of deep concern that you value this publication. There is no telling how long these pages will stand the test of time.
“No Gene, I’ve never heard of a Professor Sanchez. Why is he dirty?”
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If we can cure ham why can’t we cure cancer?
Spring ‘13
UCLA’s oldest and most profound humor magazine
BETWEEN THE COVERS................................................................................ 2 BRUCIE............................................................................................................. 3 HERE................................................................................................................ 4 SEQUESTERED DEVELOPMENT by Aliya Kamalova................................... 5 GOP SPANGLED-BANNER by Adrianna Sauceda............................................ 6 SAD-MAN SAYS by Tim Limbrick..................................................................... 7 ARAB SPRING BREAK by Adrianna Sauceda................................................. 9 SNOOZE CRUISE by Johnathan Bernstien...................................................... 10 DAILY RUIN.................................................................................................... 11 FAP APP by Andrew Caudill & Sachin Medhekar............................................. 13 HOLY PORNOGRAPHY! by David Watts. ..................................................... 14 MIKE SACKS INTERVIEW by Adrianna Sauceda & Andrew Caudill............. 17 UCLA REJECTION LETTER by Court Soto................................................... 19 MORE BETWEEN THE COVERS................................................................... 21
Adrianna Sauceda
Tim Limbrick
Etidore Suprema
Etidore Designi
daily ruin
see p. 11
pooney tunes
Nathan Galovan
Aliya Kamalova
Etidore Panini
Etidore Managera
STAFF: Jonathan Bernstein, Andrew Caudill, Nathan Galovan, Aliya Kamalova, Marcie LaCerte, Tim Limbrick, Sachin Medhekar, Utkarsh Pandey, Adrianna Sauceda, David Watts CONTRIBUTORS: Mike Sacks, Asterios Kokkinos, Court Soto, PrakashKharti Chhetri ART: Adrianna Sauceda, Marcie LaCerte, Sachin Medhekar MUSES: Our Dear Friend Alcohol, Devastator Quarterly, Michael Gerber, The National Lampoon, Mad Magazine EDITOR’S NOTE
Congratulations Kiddies! You are now a unique individual. This doesn’t mean that you weren’t before, but you definitely are now. There are over 6.9 billion people living in the universe (that we know of). Think of that number. If you were to stack each person, head to feet & feet to head, and form a human tower to the sun, lives would be lost for the sake of an extremely absurd feat that holds no practical value to anyone whatsoever. Here are the facts: you are one person, that much is sure, one of few, a mere smidgen of people who hold this bound collection of compressed sheets of chemicals and tree pulp that have been deliberately stained by diverse combinations of black, red, blue and yellow liquids into interesting shapes and forms that resemble symbols that when arranged, in particular ways, can be used in this modern day and age to communicate thoughts and ideas from specific student groups (that’s us) whose sole purpose in life is to tickle your funny bone. In your hand you hold a miracle, a miracle that select people do not know exists. People with money, lots of money, and extravagant hats shaped like flamboyant spider webs who walk tiny dogs with huge egos, but you have one thing they don’t: our respect. You have that and this magazine, so that actually makes two things (that we know of). Is your heart racing? Is this strange? Well, if turning this page doesn’t get you going, then turning back to this paragraph and reading passed this sentence will. Words go both ways. You can read the words we have written for you and then you can write any mixture or amalgamation of words for us and send them through time and space by way of electronic mail to satyrmagazine@gmail.com. I guarantee you that any words you send will be read by a least one of those 6.9 billion people in the universe and those words will occupy space in his or her brain for an indefinite amount of time. We are -NG Satyr (pronounced Satyr) and we proudly claim to not always represent the point of view of ASUCLA, its sponsors, or Gene D. Block. We may sometimes represent their points of view, but there is no way to tell for sure.
see p. 14
mike sacks interview
see p. 17
Have you ever seen someone so homeless that birds just land on them?
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Does an elephant ever forgets 9/11?
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Satyr Social MEDIA THAT IS...
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Do deviled eggs ever find repentance?
SAD-MAN An intoxicated monologue by pac-man...
ow sl wn do
This is what’s left of me. pity nobody plays arcade anymore. Pac-Man is Sad-Man and i’ve been forgotten. i wonder if Ms. Pac-Man would even recognize me now. God help me, i loved that shapely woman. i haven’t had a homecooked dot in sixteen years. all i eat are apps. Sad-Man says please take one, he’s got too many. *hic!* so much has changed. what happened to pagers? we do everything from our pockets now. you used to only be able to use your pocket for storage, now pockets can ring and make phone calls. pockets can send and receive emails. pockets can send dick pics and end marriages. godammit Ms. Pac-man, i love you! Sad-Man says ruminate what glory used to feel like. i’m old, outdated and two-dimensional. the ghosts are gone but i still feel haunted. life has made me a bitter shape. *hic!* it’s technology dammit! it’s made us ignorant. Sad-Man says big dum-dums. *hic!* unfortunate that in order to progress we need to advance our method of interaction. a double-edged sword. we need it but we depend on it. fingertip information plants the sweet seed of laziness and the youth are licking it like dots in a maze. everyone’s an avatar. following blindly. who’s left for true connection? always lmfao and ttyl. Sad-Man says knockknock. who’s there? nobody. nobody who? just nobody... -TL
SAYS
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Hey Ladies! Satyr travels in jest-trogen...
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If dudes had a uterus would it be called duderus?
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11 Spring, 2013
BY LIM TIMBRICK RUIN STAFF limbrick08@ucla.edu Controversy surrounds Long Beach native Philip Buckley, who on Tuesday tied the knot with his life long partner Bessy, a sixteen foot great white shark. Many residents of the Long Beach area are angered by the union of this man and fish. Lance Gaye of the Homowners Association said, “First I want it to be known that I am a lover of women, but as a lover of mankind I can’t see why Philip and Bessy should be allowed to get married when members of the gay community can’t do the same. Again, I love women.”
adding “ Benedict has always been a wild card. He’s his own man….unlike me” before bursting into tears and asking to be excused. Details about the Holy Father’s new career are sparse, but the equine world is abuzz. Steve McCreery, owner of a stud farm in southeastern West Virginia, sized up the former Pope’s prospects. “When picking a horse to stud, we generally look for a thick mane, healthy coat, and strong hindquarters. Benedict arguably only has one of those features, but he does bring infallibility and experience as the Vicar of Christ, so I would say he’s a strong candidate for stud service.” Many questions remain following this announcement. How will Catholics react? Will historians rethink his legacy? And will
NOPE POPE Page ?
he wear the Pope hat while mating with the female horses? Those close to Benedict XVI are mum on how long he had been considering this decision, but one papal observer noted that the Holy Father was spotted being fed sugar cubes intermittently through last Easter’s Mass. The Daily Ruin conducted a mostly scientific poll to see what Americans thought of the former pope’s decision. 33% of respondents supported Benedict’s move, 31 % opposed, 19% asked “What’s a Pope?” and the remaining 17% asked how we got their phone number and threatened to call the police.
When asked to comment on their union, Buckley said, “I guess you could call it a wet knot. It all happened so fast. I was at the aquarium and Bessy attacked me which I could tell was a conciouss effort because I was in the gift shop.” Medical response officer Angela Burns who was on the scene when the attack occured said, “It was a miracle that Philip survived. I had never seen anything quite like it. The bite marks seemed to miss all his major arteries and were strangely in the shape of ADRIANNA SAUCEDA/DAILY RUIN hearts.” “Even through eight inches of glass,” says Phil, “she can still smell the love coursing “I guess you could call it love at first through my veins.” bite,” said Buckley.
Shark Takes a Bite out of Man’s Heart
Ending weeks of speculation about his next move, former Pope Benedict XVI announced today that he will soon be moving to a stud farm in Kentucky where he will mate with female horses. Benedict stunned the world last month with the announcement of his resignation, becoming the first Pope to voluntarily cede the position since Celestine V in 1294. Papal observers are weighing in. Martin Malatesta, professor of Theology at the University Notre Dame stated, “some MARCIE LACERTE/DAILY RUIN may be surprised by the pontiff ’s decision, Cats Out of the Bag: Pope Says “Yay to but there is very little precedent for what Neigh; I Ain’t Horsin Around About my a pope is supposed to do in retirement,” Newfound Love!”
BY ANDREW CAUDILL RUIN STAFF acladbruin89@ucla.edu
Retire? Nope Says Pope; Hopes to Make Line of Divine Equine
Tickling the UCLA community since 1919
DAILY RUIN
The student body is in an uproar following the recent death of sophomore Samuel Freitas. The student’s body was found last Tuesday by local joggers near Wilson Plaza. Soon after an investigation, police reports were released that stated the student’s death was “the result of the student’s race.” Despite the fact that the police have yet to name a suspect, the further investigation has been called off. Student groups from all around campus have voiced their outrage over the incident and are speaking out. The UCLA Black Panthers released a statement yesterday: “We are ashamed to be a part of a school where such an atrocity could occur. It seemed we, as a society, had moved past the brutal violence and racism that plagued our country years ago, but it seems this is wholly untrue. It is unacceptable that the police are choosing to end the search for the coward that would murder an innocent student just because of the color of his skin.” In response to the growing pressure from several activist groups, Chancellor Gene Block released the following statement yesterday evening. “I would like to first and foremost express my condolences to the friends and family of our very own Samuel Freitas. He was an exceptional student that deserved so much more than what he received, but after reading the entirety of the police report regarding the death I must say I am deeply saddened that such a heinous crime
BY SACHIN MEHDEKAR RUIN STAFF sachinmedhekar@ucla.edu
Student Dies Because of Race
www.satyrmagazine.com
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Researchers from the University of Phoenix stunned the world with new findings that prove prehistoric cave art might actually be the world’s first napkin. After carbon analysis of hand print residue showed molecular structure similar to that of A1 steak sauce scientists conclude that early man probably had barbecues.
BY ADRIANNA SAUCEDA RUIN STAFF @ucla.edu
Cave Walls Actually Ancient Napkins
In today’s wretched economy, companies are finding it harder to offer a measly minimum wage salary to interns of even the most pathetic internships. That’s why formidable corporations, such as Facebook, Coca-Cola, Wal-Mart, and many others are reducing the number of their already abject internships to offer more positions in form of indentured servitude. “I’m following in the footsteps of Benjamin Franklin and Andrew Jackson,” says Lindsay Hicks, a first-year communications major at the University of Southern California. “I’m returning to the earliest tradition that American colonies established for us white, able-bodied youth and to me, that’s really something special.”
BY MARCIE LACERTE RUIN STAFF @ucla.edu
Company Stoked to Yoke Young Folk
ADRIANNA SAUCEDA/DAILY RUIN
“From what we gather early man had a lot of meat and with the discovery of fire it’s only natural to have barbecues. There was also no place to wipe their hands except for caves” stated head researcher Fred Murtz. This discovery has been haled as an achievement in serviette research.
SLAVERY Page ?
Sources assure that the death rate of indentured servants during the 17th century will be drastically lowered in today’s modern age. “I think this form of debt bondage can really build some character in these kids,” said Lindsay’s father, Patrick Hicks. “When I was her age, I was actually paid for the stupid shit I did. Now, kids are learning the worthlessness of their valuable education earlier. It’s great!” Lindsay will be indenturing as a scantily clad object at Hollister Co. this summer. She is looking forward to being kidnapped and paid in frozen food, coupons, and college credit. “I’m really looking forward to my service as a white slave,” says Lindsay. For more information on indentured servitude, contact your local historian, who has likely experienced a worthless application of their knowledge in some form of menial labor.
During comedy’s early days the “pie to the face” was a revolutionary bit that changed the world of comedy yet the result was an increase of crime as people who went to town throwing pies hit innocent faces. To quell the violence, pies were introduced as edibles in the 1950s yet the
BY ADRIANNA SAUCEDA RUIN STAFF @ucla.edu
Pie for Pie Leaves Whole World Blind to Diabetes
danger remained very real when pies became linked with diabetic blindness. “I love fruit pies you can heat up in the microwave,” said pie enthusiast Christy Bonham. “Be careful though because the middle gets hot very quickly.” Today, scientists laud the world’s decrease in pie consumption as “mankind’s only hope for a better future”. In recent years, pie houses such as Marie Calendars and Coco’s have dwindled in number causing many to give sighs of relief.
POOR SAM Page ?
could be committed at this prestigious university.” In an attempt to respond to the criticism from around campus, the police officer in charge of the investigation released another report this morning: “First and foremost I would like to, again, express my deepest sympathies for the friends and family of Mr. Freitas; however, I don’t think people really understand what happened on Tuesday. I was a bit ambiguous in the phrasing of the report but the blatant fact is that Sam simply died of a heart attack while competing in a race. I have no idea how this thing blew up, but now people are saying we overlooked a hate crime. Did anyone even know Sam? He was white! Fucking ridiculous. No one at this school even glanced past the title.” After reading the statements above, Satyr Magazine would also like to express its outrage at the police officers who have chosen to allow such blatant racism to continue.
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HOLY PORNOGRAPHY!
And now for some...
POONEY TUNES Pornography conessieur David Watts enjoys a cheery evening at home with porn pillow, Sara Jay.
Mmm... Them sure are some nice pair of titties.
SATYR SALUTES SEX STARS’ SUCCESS
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n addition to producing this epic comedy magazine, satyrs are also aficionados at creating epic porn. Satyr, a 1996 porn film, was nominated for 22 Adult Video News (AVN) awards and won the 1998 AVN award for Best All-Girl Sex Scene. Satyr is currently # 34 on Adult DVD Empire’s all time best-seller list. Its success is due, in large part, to the talent of satyress and porn mega-star Jenna Jameson. Porn plays a major part in satyr culture. To pay respects to the porn spirits, or porntergeists, Satyr Magazine makes sure its Porn Joke Department is stronger than Popeye’s forearms after eating spinach and beating off Bluto and then himself. Looking at the right bottom corner cover of the Satyr DVD, one can see a golden symbol. Upon first glance, one
may think the symbol is simply the Star of David embedded in a circle, butt it’s actually a Star of David pasty placed on top of the nipple of a giant booby! There are no circles nor circles of life. We satyrs believe in the titty of life which we will suck on even if it’s made of silicone. Satyr is one of the few porn DVD covers with the Star of David symbol. The only others I can name are Big Titty Jewish Princesses and Nice Jewish Girls. Both DVDs feature bomb-ass bitches, but these bitches’ faith is questionable. While I didn’t grow up around Jews in Mississippi, I don’t suspect devout Jewish women routinely enjoy consuming the body of Christ when it has been drenched in Rabbi Schlong’s cum. Mazel jiz!
-DW
Hey Babe. Remember when you used to look like this?
Damn, on the couch again. I shouldna said that. I’m an idiot.
But wait, there’s more. Turn the page! Why does testes mean testicals but testies sound like cute tests?
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Appeal
Sacks
OH YEAH...
Satyr Sits Down with Comedy Writer and Vanity Fair Editor Mike Sacks to Chat about ‘And Here’s the Kicker’, Interviewing Comedians, and All Things Funny!
Were you in college when you started writing comedy? MS: Yeah. I started contributing to MAD Magazine and some other magazines. Once out of college I got a job at a record store [Kemp Mill Records], where I had worked in high school. I ended up working there for ten years, until I was 25. At this point, I started to freelance on the side—I sold some pieces to MAD, Cracked, National Lampoon and some other small publications. From there, I began getting different types of editorial jobs. I worked at Knight Ridder wire service then The Washington Post and eventually I moved to New York and started working for Vanity Fair magazine, where I’m still working. A lot of comedians joke that they wouldn’t be able to go down any other career path other than comedy. What are your thoughts on that? MS: That’s sort of a cop-out really. Everyone has to have a job. Plenty of writers have jobs to support their family. People are capable of doing anything. They’ve just chosen standup comedy or writing script for films. But it can trap you.
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The more you do stand-up the harder it becomes to get a real job. You reach a certain point in your life when you’re in your thirties or forties and it’s too late to get a straight job. And then you’re stuck. Comedy can be a real young man’s game. It’s a bit of rock n’ roll lifestyle. At that point, you’re doomed, too old to rise in the ranks in the “real world” and too old to rise in the ranks in the comedy world. A lot of comedians say comedy comes from pain. What is your take? MS: I think comedy is based on sadness. Most of comedy is based on being alone and not being surrounded by a group of friends or people you can relate to. Most of it has to do with the fact that everyone has bad experiences. But where others might deal with it in other ways, such as alcohol, or sports or whatever, others deal with it through comedy. It’s a common thread that those who end up as comedians or writers had a bit of a solitary existence growing up. They might not have fit in and they spent a lot of time alone. There is a prevailing idea
that comedy is a boys club. Have you found any evidence that this is the case? MS: I think it’s only the older generations who would have a sexist view: Jerry Lewis, Johnny Carson. I think young writers with any brains would know that it’s not the case at all. There are so many great women comedy writers. I don’t see anyone in the industry with half a brain who would still think that women aren’t as capable as men at writing humor. In your book, you interviewed more writers than comedians. Have you noticed differences in people who write versus perform standup? MS: For most comedy writers, there is this need to be alone in a solitary environment. With stand-ups there is a need to be loved and to be loved immediately. As a comedy writer, you have to have a certain type of personality. A writer works alone and doesn’t ever experience the reactions that their jokes might receive. It can drive you crazy because it’s like being a monk. I do think that a lot of people who write for sitcoms or magazines have a dream of
performing. This is their way of doing it and getting themselves out there, but by proxy. I think it’s a very smart thing for someone to do. If you start off doing something and you don’t feel comfortable with it and you know that you’re not going to be as good as the best out there, well, then you may have to attack it from a different angle. I’m interested in what you think of The National Lampoon. You talked to George Meyer, who was a long-time writer for The Simpsons. Do you see a lot of favoring of Harvard in the business? MS: Yeah, I do. It was worse when I was just getting out of college, in the ’90s. I think it’s changing, though. You’re starting to have a lot of writers come from everywhere. There is the University of Wisconsin where The Onion started. University of Texas and a lot of state schools have great talent. It used to be that Harvard was a way to funnel writers into the system, and it was one of the few ways. But I think over the years that’s changed. And that’s good. Too much of any one sensibility is not good for comedy. The important thing is
that it doesn’t even really matter where you’re from now. It’s important to be part of a group of people who are coming up together. When I was coming up it was very much based on proximity. If you weren’t physically around other people, it was hard to make a connection. Now, thankfully, that’s not the case. Do you have techniques you use when conducting interviews? MS: The only thing I do is a tremendous amount of preparation. It can be upwards of a month of preparation for each of these interviews. By the time I’m ready to interview a subject, I’ll usually have more than thirty pages of research and questions ready to go. The trick is to know as much about their lives as possible—sometimes even things they themselves have forgotten. You held an interview with David Sedaris that lasted for over five hours. Is that usual? MS: I’ve had interviews that have gone on for fifteen hours, but that was the first one to last five hours in one sitting. He was a chatty guy and super nice. We kept talking and talking, which is what I really prefer as an interviewer. It makes it much easier for me compared an interview subject who never talks at all.
or another. It’s not like Mel Brooks is sitting back in a chair looking over volumes of his old work, and being very content. He’s out there struggling just like everyone else. Someone like Mel Brooks is just as frustrated as everyone else. It’s a healthy thing, though. If you weren’t struggling, you wouldn’t get anything done. It’s a good thing to be frustrated because it means you always want to achieve more. Have you interviewed any writers who were professional and just dropped out of the game? MS: Most people who have careers just deal with business frustration. Not writers. Writers deal with creative frustration, but yes, a lot of writers can’t deal with that. At the same time, you should know that every writer is frustrated and sometimes miserable. The sooner you know this, the happier you’ll be. At every level someone is going through what you’re going through. It just happens to be occurring at differing levels.
Is that work ethic a unifying trait among comedy writers? MS: Everyone who is successful works a lot. Another unifying trait, I suppose, would be frustration. All writers have projects that never worked out or didn’t pan for some reason
When’s the release date? MS: I hope to finish by October. And I hope it will be put on the fast track to becoming published in June 2014. Can you name drop a few? MS: Adam McKay, George Saunders, Glen and Les Charles, James L Brooks, Adam Resnick, Mike Schur, James Downy, Mark Maron, Patton Oswalt, Jon Benjamin. I think, at the very least, it will be a book that I would have wanted to read if I were first starting out. You’ve interviewed a ton of people. Who’s the highlight? MS: Irving Brecher. 93 years old when we talked. It was really a bridge to another time. He wrote for the Marx Brothers and wrote jokes for The Wizard of Oz. So it was almost like talking to someone who knew Babe Ruth. It was a different era. He died right after we talked. To capture that voice to me has been the most rewarding. We’ll be talking about some of these writers like we now talk about Mel Brooks. Have you had many people turn you down for interviews?
You also talked to Sedaris about how his OCD forced him write every single day. MS: Right. That’s actually a good lesson. Here’s someone who has an obsessive personality but he’s funneled all of that obsessive energy into creativity rather than drugs or alcohol. I think that can be done. He’s at the top of his game. He writes every day and if someone like David writes every day, everyone else should as well. There’s a good reason why he’s at the top of the heap. It’s because he works incredibly hard. It’s a lot of work and it should be treated like any job.
out. How does one write a spec script? How does one write a character bible? There is a lot more variety in this version and it might run close to 500 pages.
You have a new sequel in the works to Kicker. MS: I do. Kicker was supposed to be hundreds of pages long. It was eventually cut down because of the publisher’s budget issues. So, this new book is going to have longer interviews and a lot of writing samples from famous comedy writers. For instance, Paul Feig is allowing me to publish his character bible for Freaks and Geeks. Each character is detailed. Everything is detailed. It’s amazing. It’s the type of thing I would have been interested in when I first started
MS: Oh yeah, a tremendous amount. A lot of women actually. Tina Fey, Kristen Wiig, Amy Poehler, Mindy Kaling. I would love to get these women. They are inundated with requests and they are incredibly busy career-wise. I guess I can’t fault them for not wanting to sit down and talk with me for 25 hours. Shit, what woman wouldn’t want to sit down with me and talk for 25 hours besides, of course, any woman who’s not insane? Anyway, I wish I could have these great writers but I’ll keep trying just the same. One last question: Does Anna Wintour, who works in your building, have a sense of humor? MS: Not sure. Let me tickle her and find out. [Pause] She’s crying. No, no sense of humor.
Prices good until July 31, 2013 Setup not included, no full bleed, print ready files *50 min 8.5/11 20# 4/0 - **750 min 20# ***100 min 20# 4/0 - ****25 min 100# gloss 4/0
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UCLA Rejection Letter
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If a deaf person goes to court is it still called a hearing?
I WANT YOU FOR
S A T Y R
H
ailing from the smoggy skies of Southern California, Satyr is UCLA’s oldest non-profit comedy publication. Though Satyr slipped under the radar and into a coma in the 1970s, it was revived in 2012 by an ambitious (though not necessarily accomplished) group of unattractive individuals hoping to bring humor, joy, and laughter back into the heretofore decrepit Westwood comedy scene. We waste hundreds of billions of dollars every quarter releasing a new, shiny publication, rewarded only with fleeting glances past our hopeful faces or a disgusted grimace that may spread across the exhausted face of a fellow peer. Can you believe most people won’t even take the time and effort to read this because it’s not visually pleasing? Most people would pass this page but you didn’t. The fact that you persisted through makes you different. You’re a great individual with a nice smile. I bet you don’t drink any coffee or soda. Anyway, I think we really connected on the last page. If you took time to read this than maybe you’re willing to go a little further with Satyr and take this relationship to the next level. Please don’t get uncomfortable we didn’t mean to be too forward unless you’re into that. Listen, we don’t do this often but we’d like to recruit you. Join us. Spend tens of minutes with us every week and write, draw, design, and make sweet sweet comedy with us. I heard you giggle on that l a s t page and I can tell you have a great s u l t r y voice. Join Satyr radio where we can chit-chat deep into Saturday afternoon side by side in comedic solidarity like Thelma and Louise hurdling off that cliff. Except with Satyr you’ll never lose your life only your dignity and youth. Not creative? Neither are we. Join our business and marketing department where you’ll learn trade secrets of the wealthy and arrogant. If you are wealthy and arrogant please subscribe and donate to Satyr. If joining a comedy magazine is beneath you than please help keep the sanity of the Satyr staff members intact and “like” our Facebook, share our magazines and spread the word! Remember if you scratch our back we’ll rub yours.
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ROE v. WITHDRAWN
RACHEL enters from the top of Drake Stadium and proceeds to walk down the middle row where LEAH sits alone and looks to have been crying. RACHEL: Hey. I came as soon as I could. Is everything okay? LEAH: No. RACHEL: Oh baby, what’s wrong? RACHEL sets her backpack on the steps and sits adjacent. LEAH: I’ve got some news. Pause. LEAH: I aborted a class today. LEAH covers her face with her hands and sobs. RACHEL: Oh my God. You poor thing. Are you okay? RACHEL places her arm around LEAH’s shoulder. LEAH: We always joke about it. “What if? What if it happened to you?” But it’s not the same until you actually do. I dropped a class. RACHEL: I’m so sorry, Leah. I had no idea. How long were you enrolled? LEAH: Seven weeks. RACHEL: Jesus Christ, Leah! That course was almost fully-formed. Why didn’t you come to me sooner? We could’ve taken care of this during third or fourth week. LEAH: I didn’t want people to know. I was having a hard time, but I put on twelve pounds from all the stress eating! I thought about keeping it, but raising a GPA is hard on my own. RACHEL grabs LEAH’s hand. RACHEL: I thought I told you. You’re never on your own. LEAH: Thanks. Pause. RACHEL: Does the instructor know? LEAH: I haven’t talked to him yet. We’re supposed to talk during office hours. RACHEL: You need me to go with you? LEAH: No. I’ll tell him myself. Pause. RACHEL: Why’d you take the class in the first place? LEAH: I don’t know. My course load was lonely and the units looked nice. RACHEL: Oh, Leah. RACHEL wraps her arms around her friend completely as LEAH explodes in new-found tears. RACHEL rubs LEAH’s back. RACHEL: It’s not your fault. Gene knows you made the right choice. BLACKOUT
21
-TL
The entire staff of Satyr is going to hell for publishing this and you’re going to hell for laughnig.
ODE to CALI WEATHER
Legends speak of climes unbleak, that one great state does boast, you can’t be seen without sunscreen, or risk being burnt to toast. They said the sun goes down for fun, and not to truly set, from long-gone rays that stay, ablaze, you light a cigarette. The shadow-tinter, the Cali winter, they claimed was rather mild, “A heavy jacket? No, don’t pack it. The cold can’t hurt a child.” So then without a shred of doubt, I flew a whole day’s ride, I bought a Beck’s at LAX, went out, and promptly died. For my tame North Indian frame, the “breeze” was at its peak, I understood it was not good, for any real critique. It tore me so from head to toe, with shivers of all sorts, the bastard flirt went up my shirt, and down my bloody shorts. Those east coast posers with huge bulldozers, might decimate defence, “Your picture rosy, your climate cosy”, they say with mild offense. To them I say, complain away! “Our summer heat just won’t fade!” “That’s cute”, I’ll say, to their dismay, “It’s 60 in the shade.” My extremities were ill at ease, to make an understatement, a sudden gust primed distrust, of clothes of cold-abatement. Heavily bundled, I slowly trundled, towards a cab uphill, each tread I made did scarce pervade, my skin more than my will. Then at the top my jaw did drop, as I saw the cab drive off, as this occurred, in the gust I heard, a sneering, smarmy scoff. I silently asked myself, hoodmasked, “If the wind does now lampoon, Will my head splinter in the dead of winter? It’s the first of bloody June.”
-UP
Last issue we expressed our shackle to the USAC brand and USAC made no fuss. They support us with monies and for that we say, whip on whip on. We appreciate the lashes and we hope that they continue in the years to come otherwise this institution will start to feel like something other than a place for higher learning.
END IT ALL WITH...
SATYR. 22