Poetry Behind the Walls September 2010 Volume 3, Issue 2
About PBW Poetry Behind the Walls (PBW) is the only ongoing journal in the world that is dedicated to writings from youth that are incarcerated. PBW is a collaborative project between Save the Kids, the journal Social Advocacy and Systems Change, and Hillbrook Youth Detention Center. Goal of PBW The goal of PBW is to provide space for youth to express themselves nonviolently. PBW as well, supports and encourages youth when they see their work published. Archives of PBW Social Advocacy and Systems Change http://www.cortland.edu/ids/sasc/index.htm (ISSN 1948-3023) Chief Editor Anthony J. Nocella, II, SUNY Cortland Issue Editors Christine Russo, SUNY Cortland Ashley M. Mosgrove, SUNY Cortland Acknowledgments We very much want to thank all of the kids, staff, and administration at Hillbrook Youth Detention Center for supporting this project. Submissions Poetry Behind the Walls is open to all incarcerated youth throughout the world. We would like all writing to advocate positive expression and hope. It does not matter what kind of writing ability the youth exhibit. Please send submissions via e-mail to: Anthony J. Nocella, II – anthony.nocella[@]cortland.edu (with the subject title – “Poetry Behind the Walls,” including full contact information, age, facility, and will send you back a contract to fill out).
My Block By: Paul ! My block ain’t really known for being hot In the year ’07, some scrubs killed my pop Ever since then, things ain’t been the same I look at people different, as if they are lame A year later, my life went in tears That was when my cousin Troy died Aunt Nicki told me to dry my eyes
!
"!
Blind Love By: Felecia !
The person you lay next to, you really love That person says, If I didn’t love you, you’d go blind When that person comes around, Your heart beats mad fast And if that person doesn’t care, you’d go blind The person I love and care for, Will never make me blind Because I am strong for the person I care for Now I want you to tell me the same thing. Roses are red, Violets are blue, Deep inside my heart, I love you too. Don’t say yes, Don’t say no, Just say, “I love you the most.” Don’t let anybody know When you kiss your secret admirer, you might know who it is. ! !
!
#!
Have You Seen Her? By: Derrick !
Where beauty becomes symmetry and symmetry becomes beauty, This impeccable design is a parabola to my heart. Falling in love with her has become my pleasure and my curse. I would rather die in this love than live in pain. If reincarnation is possible, To die and return as a mole on the left side of her face is my desire. Where beauty becomes symmetry and symmetry becomes beauty. I am love in this mystery called beauty. ! ! !
!
$!
Poem about Nothing By: Chiara !
This is a poem about nothing. I’m in Hillbrook. What’s so exciting about that? I hate being in here. These boys are such stupid rats. I did my time, so set me free. Don’t you understand? I’m going to do good in the streets. ! ! !
!
%!
I Feel Scared By: Drequan !
I feel scared when I am around cops, because they bother me when I walk around. They stop me for no reason and start asking me a million questions. !
!
&!
Dislike and Like By: Caleb ! I don’t like when people pick on me, because it makes me want to fight them. I like the fact that I could keep her from fighting, even though I had to restrain her. ! !
!
'!
Hate By: Unknown !
You say you hate, but you’re really scared to have faith. When you say hate, you really mean love, Because you can’t explain ! ! !
!
(!
Untitled By: Unknown !
I miss home and I miss my people Especially my uncle, named Luisito He got shot with a couple of amigos I know I want to get out of this life But every time I try to get out, They drag me back in with drugs and homies My homies are always smoking. I try to stop, but they are always joking about letting me do me. On the streets, they say doing me is selfish But I say, I am the only one I have And I want to change my life But it is hard to do it on my own, and I need help I look around but see no one climbing up the hill, Just me and myself All I want is a friend, Not just for me, But for all of my amigos
!
)!
Back in the ‘Brook By: Shamar !
I once was small, but now I’m grown Here in Hillbrook, trying to make it home A lot on my mind, Trying to get down that road, But I can’t get past that line All on my own with no one around Trying to get up, but I keep fallin’ back down This is my fourth time back Ready to attack! My heart is beating faster than a racetrack Smoother than Zach on Saved by the Bell, Nicer than Lil’ Wayne in his cell I’m trying to do better, I want to go to heaven and not to hell. This is the end of my story in the jail cell, So good-bye for now, Hopefully I will see you later, around.
!
*+!
Behind Bars By: Alec !
Behind bars, you get totally sick as the hours go by You feel it eating from the inside What if you were in here for something you didn’t do? What if you had to cry yourself to sleep at night? What if you had to live behind bars? !! !
!
**!
Being Out By: Alec !
Being out means, friends and family Being out means, love and joy Being out means, times to laugh Being out means, tears of joy Being out means, day to day existence Being out means, nothing to worry about Being out means, the best time of my life
!
*"!
Cope By: Anthony Sometimes, I wonder and hope That when I’m released I can cope With my friends, family, and at school I can’t afford to be a fool I just want to make my family proud So that’s why I’m reading this poem out loud! ! ! !
!
*#!
I Have Changed By: Anthony !
I should be getting out in a couple of days My life has changed in many ways I learned to stay away from gangs and guns When I am placed, I will not run I have grown so much since I’ve been here In the past 6 months, I have shed some tears, And have overcome many fears I try so hard to be good and give my all And that’s the reason I’m doing Poetry Behind the Walls. ! ! !
!
*$!
Inside Out By: Joquobb !
My pop is gone and never home I don’t care about him even though it sounds wrong No birthday, no presence, not even phone calls Never gave me a present, he needs to stand tall Stay out of jail, never fail, and be a man If he died I’d probably never cry But he should understand The pain I hide inside my heart ‘Cause he ain’t ever worth it I know I’m not perfect, but he treats me like I’m worthless.
!
*%!
Letter to the Kids By: Stephen ! Save the Kids is good Save the Kids is nifty Being in Save the Kids Keeps me from being risky Taking a chance, using a gun Living on the edge and thinking it’s fun Now I have a choice to make, and I hope I make the right one. So I pray to god that all will see, That all of us kids deserve a good place to be ! ! !
!
*&!
My Dreams By: Antonia !
My dreams are about me being in the NBA with the males. My dreams are about me being the first woman president. My dream is to help people that have been through what I have been through. My dream is to become famous. My dream is to build an organization for people that don’t like foster care. My dream is to become a famous engineer.
!
*'!
Stayin’ Alive By: Alec !
I want to leave Hillbrook soon I am so tired sitting in my room Time and time, I wonder why, Why I’m here Why there are tears I don’t want to cry anymore Sitting in Hillbrook trying to be hardcore If you’re not, you’ll get chewed alive I’m just trying to thrive, Trying to stay alive ! ! !
!
*(!
Stressed By: Anthony I’m so stressed in this place I’m so tired of people talking about my case I just want to go home Sitting here with nothing to do but write this poem I’m so tired of having to fight Sitting in my cell from day to night Does anyone understand me? My name is Anthony and I just want to be free. ! !
!
*)!
Summer By: Anthony !
Summer’s cool, Summer’s fun On the last day of school, we always run, To the store or to the mall Can’t forget to give my girl a call We can go to the movies and hang out all night Man, now my girl wants to fight I’m so tired, so I just leave her She doesn’t know I have another girl either She has never seen me cheat, and my game is tight My summer is fun and to all good night. !
!
"+!
Sweet By: Drequan !
Roses are red, Violets are blue, Sugar is sweet and so are you She has some spice, but still is cool When I see her, I cannot move It’s like I’m locked up to a stool Next time I see you, I hope I don’t drool Man, I can’t wait for school. ! ! !
!
"*!
The Inside By: Alec !
Have you ever seen the inside? The inside of every place that you don’t want to be Why am I so scared? I try and I try but I can’t seem to cope But believe me, I still have hope Have you ever been inside? Inside of every place you don’t want to be
!
""!
Time after Time By: Alec ! Time after time, have you ever really cried? Have you ever even really tried? Do you know what it’s like to really cry? Just try one time As time goes by ! ! !
!
"#!
What I Miss By: Shelby !
I miss my family I miss the parties I miss the fun I miss the laughs I miss the holidays I miss the food I miss my friends I miss my freedom I miss my time I miss the love I miss unlocked doors I miss shopping I miss long showers I miss my bed I miss sleeping in I miss my clothes I miss my makeup I miss hair products But most of all of the things I miss What I miss the most, Is just being me!
!
"$!
What’s Good? By: Antonia !
What’s good with every thing? What’s good with people these days? We’ve got haters and lovers. They can keep hating on me, I don’t care. What’s good with people being annoying? Should I trust them or should I not? What’s good? What are they going to do for me? ! ! !
!
"%!
What Really Sucks By: Shelby !
First, I found myself on my way in, then, I was here in Hillbrook behind locked doors and barbed wire fences. At first, it was a little scary and kind of intimidating. As I entered the facility, I felt violated because I had to take my clothes completely off in front of some strange woman that I didn’t even know for a strip search. I’ve been strip searched before but nothing like this. I was in my bra and underwear in front of staff that I knew at another detention center, so I felt less violated. After the strip search, I had to take a shower with the same soap for my hair and my body. The shower turned off every sixty seconds. It was so annoying! Then they took my clothes and made me wear these scrubby blue uniforms that I’m stuck wearing every day that I’m here. I look in the mirror and it’s the same thing, no makeup, and no hair products, no anything. It’s always the same look and it sucks. As I entered the every-day routine, I began to realize how much my stay here was going to suck. We did the same boring things every day. It was like an on going pattern that was there every day waiting for me when I woke up. Gym is even boring. Being the only girl here, there is no one to play anything with and I can’t mix with the boys either, because they don’t know how to act. They are always in the windows looking for the girls, pounding on the walls and yelling through the vents like a bunch of dogs in heat. What I would change about Hillbrook, are the beds. Waking up every morning with a sore back from sleeping on a plastic bed drilled to the floor with only a one-inch padded mattress really sucks. Waking up every morning and looking out only a small square window to see nothing but sharp shiny barbed wire fences really sucks. Being locked up in this detention facility makes me feel like I’m sitting right beside my brothers locked up in prison, and it really sucks. I miss them so much. Even though it feels like I’m sitting right beside them, I just hope I don’t end up like them: locked up in prison. A few things I would change about myself to prevent being locked up, is I would first stop doing drugs and drinking, because doing drugs isn’t going to get me anywhere. All it does is slowly kill me, and it really sucks living a life dependent on drugs and alcohol. I would also make my way through school. The hardest thing about going home, is staying away from all the parties and the drugs and alcohol. Learning how to say no to family is going to be the hardest part of staying sober. Saying no is going to really suck, but I have to do it in order to be a successful person in life. On my way out of Hillbrook, I have learned that I don’t want to live the life I’ve been living. It really sucks being locked up and away from my family. Some of the goals I have made for myself are to finish school, stay away from the drugs and alcohol and help my family get sober. To those who are facing the same struggles that I am: just remember you can get through it if you stay strong, be positive and believe in yourself.
!
"&!
When things Happen By: Shakeith ! When things happen, they happen for a reason. When things happen, people can get hurt. When things happen, people end up in Hillbrook or the justice center. When things happen, people get scared and snitch on you. When things happen, people you think are your friends turn their back on you. When things happen, people act like they don’t know you. When things happen. !
!
"'!
Body By: Kayla !
You say my eyes hold lies How can my lies be shown through my eyes? When I can’t even swallow my pride and look you, or anybody else, in the eyes My chest holds the best My secrets, my stories and memories But it also holds hate, and my fate These two together should never mix Maybe that’s what I need to fix My legs are ready to run and be free of the misery. ! ! !
!
"(!
Dad By: Kayla !
Some people here say they don’t have a dad. I see that they are really sad. My dad, all he does is make me mad. People say they would do anything for a daddy. Well if you want a daddy, you can have mine. Then, when all he does is make you and your mom cry, you’ll understand why! My dad was created on March thirteenth. It was an unlucky Friday. He met my mom when he was twenty. He was created to be the monster he is. He’s a runner, a boy, not a man! So if you want a dad and not a real one, you can have my dad. But once he makes you mad, don’t send him back! ! !
!
")!
The First Divine Kiss By: Kayla !
The first time I ever laid eyes on you, it was an amazing sight. The first hug you gave me was so nerve racking. Then, that day we walked around the park was our first date. We were holding hands and it was getting late, so we started to head to my house. Once we were there, you grabbed my hips and kissed me, and that will forever be the first divine kiss! ! ! !
!
#+!
Cries BY: Shonquaysha Every night I cry Thinking, why are there so many lies? And I say, “Why me?” “What did I do…?” Then there’s nothing left to do but cry. ! ! !
!
#*!
Rules of the Night By: Grace !
Do you know how it feels to be locked in a room every night? Wondering why you got into that fight? To be scared to step outside, because you don’t want to be shot at in a drive by? I am. Do you know how it feels to watch a friend die in front of you? Why do people always break all the rules? Can’t you see what I see? You don’t want to be like me. Breaking the rules every now and then, but to watch them kill your friend? It’s not right. That’s why I got into that fight. I don’t want to end up on drugs. I don’t want to be shot by some thugs. I don’t want to be like a friend of mine, serving that time. But look at me now: I’m in Hillbrook Detention. I made a bad choice I did not hold on to my beautiful mothers voice. Can’t you see what I see? You don’t want to be like me.
!
#"!
Lady By: Siobhan !
I’m a girl, I know But you just can’t seem to let it go It’s always something, Rarely nice, But I just smile and let it slide Like, somehow, disrespect is “alright” Deep down inside, I know that this isn’t how it’s supposed to go I hold my head high Deep down inside, I know that I’m a princess I walk tall Deep down inside, I know I deserve respect I look forward I look past you and your sly remarks I don’t hear you and your scum dog barks I’m a lady and that’s what I do I’m a lady, And I look past disrespectful, inconsiderate, immature, not-worth-my-time boys Like you !
!
##!
Talk By: Siobhan !
You always talk “Blah, Blah, Blah” You’re always so loud “Blah, Blah, Blah” Are you afraid of quiet? Are you afraid to learn? You always yell “Blah, Blah, Blah” You’re always so ignorant “Blah, Blah, Blah” Are you afraid to be wrong? Are you afraid to be changed? You always laugh “Blah, Blah, Blah” You’re always mocking “Blah, Blah, Blah” Are you afraid to grow up? Are you afraid to listen? You always talk, But all I hear is: “Blah, Blah, Blah” !
!
#$!
Being Locked Up By: Sayana !
I don’t even know how I got myself in this situation. How could I even do this to myself, and my family? I never imagined myself being this way. Just nine hours ago everything was fine. I was walking the halls of my own home. I hope, and wish that I will get out of here. Being here is not a great place for a 14-year-old girl like me. I can’t believe I betrayed my friends and family for this. ! ! !
!
#%!
My Hillbrook By: Kayla Hectic Incarcerated Locked up Lonely Betrayed Restraints Opportunity Order Kayla (me, just me!) ! ! !
!
#&!
For the People By: Derrick !
I write this for the people In life and death, for the people Look, listen, learn and love the people Every where you look, people So, love people Different declarations and colors Triggering hate People So love people I write this for the people ! ! !
!
#'!
Education By: Derrick !
I am getting an education from educators who have no idea about education This structure curriculum set up with people by suits Teaching, testing, training, transforming and transcending me without any real meaning I am being indoctrinated to be docile This world will destroy me I need real skills to survive in this evil world So, please, send me a teacher, For I would like to be a student ! ! !
!
#(!
Ikigfk4cm By: Shelby ! I hate this place I want to get out I need to do my hair My hair is a hot mess
!
#)!
Next Day Error By: Abdiel I came from ‘Rico and now the ‘Rico law got me. Now I’m in jail and want to be set free, ‘Cause I want to see the next day, future of me ! !
!
$+!
Hillbrook By: Stephen !
Hillbrook is something serious. It’s going to get you in a routine. Lets you understand how life really is Low blows come all the time, but we send them away. Being a bully doesn’t get you anywhere, but platinum bracelets on your wrists. Rough and tough is what you say you are. I beg to differ. Obviously, people think they are built for the lifestyle they are trying to live. Okay, so do we get the point? Knowledge is power. Stay out of Hillbrook.
!
$*!
The Street By: Chiara !
The street is my home, Where I grew up The street is my home, Never giving up The street is my home, Playing in dirt The street is my home, Mama going to work Leaving us at home with a smirk Smirks on our faces cause it’s time We yell, “She’s gone!” So we are going to have a fun time! ! !
!
$"!
Summer By: Chiara Sunny days United with friends Memories Motivation Energy Remember, have fun! ! ! !
!
$#!
Friends and Snow-Prints By: Kayla !
Friends come and go, just like footprints in the snow. Nobody knows when or where, but honestly my siblings are scared. Haters come and they leave, like leaves on trees from one season to another. I wonder a lot about my younger brother, who has no idea when the fear is going to be gone or the game set free. My younger sisters need me to be around, and not sitting in a cell, waiting for time to tell what’s coming around for me in my misery. When you say you hit a lick, can you be honest with this? And you messed up your ex-friends face over some nonsense race? Don’t tell me I’m a liar, when I say what I say. Because I know who I am and I’m not scared to be me But like I said before, friends come and go right out of the front door. Read another chapter and see who’s on the right factor. ! !
!
$$!
My Life By: Yassin My name is Yassin, better known as “Young B�. This is the story about my life. I was born in Kenya, then my family moved to Somalia when I was five years old. I have five brothers and three sisters. While living in Somalia my father was killed during the war that was happening there. My mother wanted her children to be safe so she applied for papers for us to move to the US. At this time, I was nine years old. I did not want to leave. I asked my grandmother if I could stay with her. My grandmother said it would be safer if I left with my mother. I remember getting on a bus. Actually, I got on three buses just to get to the airport. It took us almost a week to get there. Finally, I was on a plane heading to Nashville, Tennessee. While living in Tennessee, I attended school. I was in fourth grade. I ended up getting into fights and got kicked out of school. Then, I was placed in an alternative school. When I was in seventh grade, I hung out with gang bangers. One day, I was jumped and hurt badly. My mother was very afraid for my life and decided to move to Utica, NY with her sister. I attended school in Utica and started hanging with the wrong kid. I fought a lot. Then I ended up in Hillbrook. I have been here for five months, waiting to be sent to placement. I miss my family and hope that this experience will help me change my life.
!
$%!
From Good to Bad By: Alec Hello, my name is Alec and I am currently residing in a New York State detention facility. I am currently being charged, but I am unable to discuss my case in this story. I started off doing great before this. I had a great life over all. I had amazing friends and amazing family before I was in Hillbrook. I had a lot of people in my life who loved and cared about me with all of their hearts. Then, I became incarcerated for something that I’d rather not disclose to you, because it’s still open. When I came to Hillbrook, I was so nervous. What would people think of me? What would I think of them? When I met the people, I found out that it wasn’t that bad. The difficulty is that I am very different from others. There is always chaos here. People have beefs with certain people that they do and don’t put it aside in here. I have seen some of the most drama I’ve ever seen and it probably won’t stop. Even though I’ve been through heartache and pain through this whole experience, I will still turn it into a learning experience and make it positive. ! !
!
$&!