CONSPIRACY!
Volume LIV, Issue 673
Friday, April 1, 2011
sbstatesmang.org
We forgot... it's 3 a.m.
Pretentious Title for Volunteer Newspaper
In an unexpected turn of events, 4,815,162,342 highly confidential documents have revealed what really happened on the night of the Hand College quarantine last semester, in addition to SBU-TV’s Nielson Rating, the Undergraduate Student Government’s real voter turnout of five people and The Press’ latest allocation of funds to hire an expert on hipster culture. The documents, which were discovered by members of The Statesman last week, expose a massive cover up by highranking Stony Brook officials and members of the Undergraduate Student Government, or USG. “We found the documents on the side of the administration building,” Erika Karp, the news of The Statesman said. “Myself, Ali Malito and Meg Spicer were over there trying to find cats from the Cat Network. Some members of USG said that cats don’t pay the student activity fee and their club should not receive funding. We were trying to get a comment from the cats.” On Sept. 19 Hand College, a residence hall in Tabler Quad, was evacuated after a mysterious airborne irritant was said to be released on the third floor of the building a little after 7 p.m. Stony Brook officials later said that the irritant was probably mace or pepper spray. But the documents tell a different story. In September of 2008, Shi Lang Fang, a biochemistry major, started to develop a new beverage for college students. According to
PHOTO CREDIT: SHI LANG FANG
A cat from the SBU Cat Network running away from the contaminated Roth Pond. Yah, that's a cutline betch. It says what's in the photo what more do you want from us at 3 a.m. the documents, Fang envisioned a mixture between Four Loko and Neuro drinks. “My goal was to create a drink that would get you drunk, but still allow you to concentrate and ace a physics exam at 7 a.m. the next morning,” Fang said. But the experiment backfired. According to Fang, the drink made students burst out into songs like Katy Perry’s “Hot ‘n Cold,” or David Archuleta’s “Crush.”
KENNETH HO REVELED More on page 3
“It wasn’t pretty,” the source said. “At any moment someone would just start singing this pop music that made my ears bleed. It was almost as bad as the shit reviewed in The Press. You couldn’t get them to stop.” According to the documents, university officials started to dispose of the concoction in Roth Pond. But things took a turn for the worse last spring when the fish in the pond mysteriously died.
According to the documents, a committee consisting of members from the Stony Brook administration and USG was created to decide what to do about the pond. The committee decided to empty the pond over the summer, hence the Roth Pond makeover. But the water had already leaked into the Hand College’s water supply. According to the documents, the toxic liquid became more potent when heated
Physics club make Quidditch brooms fly
and turned into steam. Some of the side effects were also similar to Four Loko, resulting in many students having blood shot eyes and vomiting. “I actually thought I heard someone singing Katy Perry that night,” Frank Posillico, editor in chief of The Statesman recalled about the night in Tabler Quad. “I really love her and her song 'Hot ‘n Cold.' I couldn’t get it out of my head. It all makes sense now.”
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