The Scarlet Turkey #27

The Scarlet Turkey

The Independent Salford Rugby League Fanzine

#27

Fans get assurances on commemorative shirt

The Guarantee is in this white paper. . .

Scarlet Turkey retrospective / Reds’ 2009 signings Jibbing Jacksonville / Top Five Infamous Sackings Classic Away Tripping / Mystic Gino’s hits and misses This is a fanzine, written by fans for fans. It attempts to be amusing and occasionally serious. It is not Hello!, OK or an official programme. It may not be suitable for people who lack a sense of humour. Mard types may find some of the contents offensive, so they’d be advised not to read it.

Editorial the Scarlet Turkey PO Box 128 Manchester M25 3BQ zine@scarletturkey.com www.scarletturkey.com

It’s been a mixed

The characters, events and situations portrayed in this publication are entirely fictional; any similiarity with events or persons past or present is purely coincidental.

Most of the contents are lies, half-truths and complete bullshit. No animals were injured in the making of this fanzine and no genetically modified organisms are present. The opinions expressed in this fanzine, unless stated, are not the opinions of Forever Reds.

This fanzine has no official connection with Salford City Reds Rugby League Club and they therefore cannot take any credit for the quality and ideas of the content within.

Happy New Year to you all. We thought we’d get the rest of the 10th anniversary reminiscence out of our system and onto the pages of this issue. So there are various snippets from the first 24 issues of the fanzine and you can decide on whether we’ve picked the best bits or not.

The off-season hasn’t exactly been a run-of-the-mill one. First of all there was the World Cup; the first for 8 years. We released issue #26 during it and unfortunately England’s performances afterwards didn’t contradict the criticisms we made, or indeed everyone made. Inevitably there was a lot of hot air blown throughout the RL fraternity about what can be done to make England (and France) more competitive in future World Cups, or even, win them. Yet scant few critics brought anything new to the table; the main point of blame was placed on the amount of overseas players in Super League; an issue that was already being sorted by the RFL. It’s also dubious to think that there’s a big crop of highly skilled young Englishmen being kept out of Super League teams because of the favouritism of overseas players.

Nevertheless, the tournament as a whole was excellent, and I’d still say that with confidence if Australia were to have won it. Part of me hopes Australia get the hosting rights for 2013 too because the 2008 World Cup will be hard to top and whether the RFL can pull it off, in late autumn, is a tough call. That said, it’ll be good to catch a few matches again and there’s more chance of that happening if it’s closer to home.

Coming back to New Zealand’s shock victory, the elation for every non-Australian was there for all to see. The clip of the New Zealand supporters in the stand doing the Haka was just brilliant and is destined to be heavily called on in the future. The sound of Martin Offiah—who was analysing the matches for Sky Sports—whooping it up in the studio, throwing the professional codes of impartiality out of the window and doing his best impression of a Norwegian commentator was a great antidote to the usually stiff post-match analysis. ‘Bobby Fulton, Benny Elias… Your boys took one helluva beating!’ Marvellous. Also enjoyable was the post-final reaction of Ricky Stuart. First, he called referee Ashley Klein a ‘fucking cheat’ after bumping into/manhandling him at a hotel. Then he verbally attacked ARL chief Geoff Carr, alleging an anti-Australian conspiracy at the heart of the competition’s organisation. Stuart even suggesting they thought an Australian defeat was favoured in order to give more credibility to future World Cups. Of course, on reflection, Stuart apologised to all concerned, before resigning as Australia’s head coach. So whether he meant the sentiment of not is debatable. A funny bout of sour grapes all the same.

Wearing the Salford fan hat, the off-season has been up and down. On the plus side we didn’t have to wait as long as usual to see the Reds in action—a post Christmas run out at Leigh’s new ground a welcome restbite. A new website design and the introduction of video features is also a good move; it promises unique and more targeted content to supporters. However, the new stadium saga, namely not knowing what the bloody hell was going on, for months, was disappointing. Disappointing in that rumours and half-truths have been allowed to perpetuate in the absence of an official line. Regardless of whom or what is involved in the project post-Red City Developments’ dissolution, any drips of news about progress, no matter how banal, would have sufficed. We covered a bit about of this in the last issue so I don’t want to encroach on old ground. Needless to say that in the last week or so there has been some encouraging news published in the press (re: the amalgamated Salford City College) and we’re led to believe that concrete plans about how the project now moves forward to its 2010 completion date is due for our humble consumption soon.

The biggest off-season gripe concerned the commemorative shirts. Just to re jog your memory, around the end of the 2008 season, the club distributed promotional material advertising the season ticket offers for 2009. If you purchased your season ticket before Christmas, you got a free limited edition commemorative shirt. There wasn’t much information about what the jersey was to look like, but given that it was to represent the club’s history at The Willows, 1901–2009—a retro styling (or should that be non-styling) was expected. Yet in December the club flip-flopped on the offer.

Inspirations The crappy 1998 season Fans’ opinions George Orwell Red Issue The late great fanzines: The Tangerine Dream House of Pain and Wally Lewis Is Coming Been and Gone since issue #1 Paul Carige The Fat Slags Zavvi The Boulevard Aussieland Malcolm White Jason Critchley Tiger-print thongs Garen Casey Luke Robinson Andy Platt Neil Tunnicliffe Joe Bloggs Sportspages Karl Harrison The ‘iconic’ stadium Andy Gregory Steve McCormack Pete Waterman Karl Kirkpatrick Central Park Wilderspool Bobby Goulding Paul Terzis ‘Big’ John Harvey James Lowes Valley Parade The Corvos Hudson Smith Greg McCallum That pub in Dewsbury Daredevil Duck The Valley Hilton Park Alf-Red South of Shed bogs Advertising This fanzine is read by a fair amount of rugby league supporters, the vast majority of which are Salford fans. If you want to advertise your business with us, either in the fanzine or online, then we’re sure we can come to an arrangement. ScarletTurkey.com is a member of the RLFANS.COM network: The Worlds Most Popular Rugby League Website.

off-season Instead, the away shirt was offered as the free gift. Why? Did the club want to save face after admitting they will still be at The Willows in 2010? Was the uptake of 2009 season tickets not high enough to fulfil a minimum order quantity of commemorative shirts? No. Apparently, a significant amount of Salford fans ‘constantly asked’ the club why there was no free gift offered before Christmas. So the club, having took these concerns on-board, offered Salford fans the chance to vote. The referendum’s options were either vote for the commemorative shirt as the free gift or the away shirt, bearing in mind the away jersey was ready to take home before Christmas and the commemorative jersey wouldn’t be available until well into 2009.

The logistics of the referendum were shoddy. Voting was only open for four days, fans were only notified online and we could only vote by email. Therefore, even with word of mouth, I’m confident that the majority of Salford fans either wouldn’t have known about it or couldn’t have voted even if they did. I’m also confident that as a result it skewed the result. We ran a our own poll online to garner the forum users’ opinion. The result in the same period of time: 87% of the 74 votes were for the commemorative shirt. The actual referendum result? About 65% in favour of the away jersey.

As much as you blame the club for reining on their original season ticket promise, it’s the portion of Salford fans who swayed them that should get the heat for this one.

They have manipulated the club’s generosity for their own selfishness. Lest we forget the old maxim: never look a gift horse in the mouth. We've never had it so good. So why complain? Because of what happens next year. The only reason we were offered a free replica shirt for 2008 was because Salford couldn’t drop their season tickets prices from 2007 levels, this despite dropping from Super League to National League.

The away shirt, therefore, was a sweetener. As it transpires, it too is this year’s sweetener, also despite the step up to Super League and a perfectly acceptable price hike given the rest of the market. Unless giving these replica shirts away for free is a longterm plan (and I’ll hold my hands up and say fair play if it is), there probably won’t be a free shirt bundled with 2010 season tickets. Does that mean we’ll only sell a couple of hundred season tickets next year? Will supporters wait until late on to buy their tickets in the hope that the club will panic and offer another sweetener? Who’s to say that the upsurge in season tickets sales after the referendum result was announced wouldn’t have happened anyway? Does this ultimately devalue the away shirt? (I.e I’m not paying forty-odd quid for that when I used to get it for nowt.)

With hindsight, the club know they should have had the commemorative shirts ready for before Christmas, or given the furore, shouldn’t have even bothered. The sceptic in you says the referendum was offered because they’d gone cold on the original idea. With respect, it was supporters who forced their hand. As much as using the free gift as a Christmas present is defensible in the current economic climate, doesn’t it devalue both the shirt and the season ticket. Something doesn’t sit right when they hold the club to ransom for what is a privilege and not a right.

Ending on an upbeat note, the following at the Leigh friendly was very encouraging, especially as plenty of regulars wouldn’t have bothered going. Though we’re too long in the tooth to suggest this means Salford will take big numbers to all the away games throughout the season, perhaps it’s a start. The acid test will be Hull away on a Friday night; that’ll sort the men from the boys! Ray Cashmere and Jeremy Smith showed up well at the LSV; we profile those two and the rest of the 2009 signings in this issue. Also, the Leeds friendly in Jacksonville is something new and good to be involved in; history in the making no less. We look at ways to get to the game, legal or otherwise. Even if the amount of Reds going over won’t match that of the Leigh match—although we do know a few hardy souls who are going—there’s the opportunity to watch it online via pay-per-view. $10 for a potentially jumpy, pixelated and intermittent feed. Bring it on.

Enjoy your Scarlet Turkey, JP.

The Scarlet Turkey Era’s ‘Greatest’ XVII (Well, sort of…)

As a large chunk of this issue is a retrospective look at the 10 years since we began publishing. We had the full intention of putting an article together about the ‘greatest’ seventeen to wear the Red jersey. ‘Greatest’ in the loosest possible term. If fact, there’s been nowt great about the last decade. We have some cracking memories, of course, but they’ve generally been forged in adverse situations. So, anyway, we initially came up with this list: 1. Gary Broadbent 2. David Hodgson 3. Mick Hancock 4.

John Wilshere 5. Martin Offiah 6.

Steve Blakeley 7. Gavin Clinch 8.

Sean Rutgerson 9. Malcolm Alker 10. Craig Stapleton 11. Darren Treacy 12. Darren Brown 13. Chris Charles 14. Karl Fitzpatrick 15. Paul Highton 16. Andy Coley 17.

Stuart Littler It’s highly debatable, leading us to doubt the merits of those included over players who could also be in with a shout. Gary Broadbent, for example, played for Salford during the bulk of the Turkey era; he was solid and well liked. However, if were being honest, certain stand-ins outperformed him at full-back. Notably Bobby Thompson and Kris Tassell. Martin Offiah is our veritable Marmite—was he still decent or a waste of space? He splits fans’ opinion. Kevin McGuinness saved our arse in 2004, but could we favour him over Blakeley or Littler?

Darren Treacy only played half a decent season, but were there many other second rowers in these 10 years that matched him at his best? Andy Coley, when on-form, was an excellent player. Were these periods few and far between? Or did he burn his britches after a resentful end in 2007? Did Gavin Clinch—another Marmiter—do enough to keep Luke Robinson out of the team? Or does he fall in the same bracket as Coley? So in the end, we just thought fuck it.

Pen Pics

2009’s New Boys Ray Cashmere ► Signed From: North Queensland

Cowboys Position: Prop Born: Kogarah, Australia Date of Birth: 12 January 1980 (28) Nationality: Australian Other Clubs: Western Suburbs, Wests

Tigers, some French team Career Totals: 58 apps, 5 tries What do we know?

Well he’s a big lad that’s for sure, standing at 6ft 5ins and weighing in at 18st 2lb. Ray looked good in the recent friendly at Leigh and has just come off the back of possibly his best season ever. ‘Razor’ played in all 24 of the Cowboys games last season, and though the Cowboys struggled—finishing 15th out of the 16—Ray bucked the trend of poor performance that most North Queensland players put in. He finished the year with 654 tackles—yes, an average of over 27 per game—the most by a Cowboys player, and he made an amazing 207 metres in N.Qld’s game against Canberra in round 25. On average, he clocked 121 meters per game. He also appears to have a great offload, making 35 of them in 2008. And I’m sure he’ll provide us with plenty of sheepish jokes!

Reds’ scout misinterprets McRae’s request to get Big Willie

Something fishy?

‘Willie Talau has indicated that he won’t be coming here.

I don’t know where he’s going. I just know that he’s not coming to Salford.’

Shaun McRae Salford Advertiser 28.8.2008

Dean McGilvray Signed From: St Helens Position: Wing/Full Back Born: St Helens Date of Birth: 24 April 1988 (20) Nationality: English Other Clubs: — Super League Totals: 6 apps, 1 try What do we know?

Who? Willie Talau ◄ Signed From: St Helens Position: Centre Born: Apia, Samoa Date of Birth: 25 January 1976 (32) Nationality: Samoan Other Clubs: Canterbury Bulldogs Super League Totals: 131 apps, 50 tries NRL Totals: 101 apps, 38 tries What do we know?

‘Big’ Willie comes to us with bags of experience. He’s been a colossus for the all conquering St Helens side of the past five years. His defence is up there with the best and he’s a constant threat going forward. He’s won the lot; scored 2 tries in the 2004 Challenge Cup Final, and participated in St Helens' 2006 historic treble, scoring in both the Challenge Cup final and the Super League Grand Final. His Saints swansong was last season’s Super League defeat to Leeds. Internationally, he earned 13 Caps with New Zealand before switching to play for the nation of his birth. At the recent World Cup, Willie played in two matches for Samoa.

Jeremy Smith Signed From: South Sydney Rabbitohs Position: Scrum Half/Stand Off Born: Huntly, New Zealand Date of Birth: 18 July 1981 (27) Nationality: New Zealander Other Clubs: St George, Parramatta Eels, Sydney Roosters,

New Zealand Warriors &

Cronulla Sharks Career Totals: 39 apps, 5 tries What do we know?

Jeremy played in all three matches for the Kiwis on their unsuccessful tour of Britain in 2007. Last year appears to have been a frustrating one for Smith, making just four starts for the Bunnies. However, Smith could prove to be just what we’re looking for at half back. As Myler and Ratchford have little or no top flight experience, surely the introduction of a Kiwi international will help appease that situation (or was that Robbie Paul last season?). Either way lets just hope he can get back to the form that got him his international caps.

Luke Swain Signed From: Gold Coast Titans Position: Back row forward Born: Penrith, Australia Date of Birth: 24 February 1982 (26) Nationality: Australian Other Clubs: Penrith Panthers Career Totals: 116 apps, 7 tries What do we know?

Luke is the most experienced of our signings from Australia for 2009, having made 166 appearances for Penrith Panthers and the Gold Coast Titans. The highlight of his career so far must be playing in the 2003 NRL Grand Final, where his Penrith team took the spoils from a Sydney Roosters, then featuring a certain Adrian Morley. ‘Swaindog’ is said to be a solid if not spectacular performer who’s work rate is very high.

Mark Henry ► Signed From: North Queensland

Cowboys Position: Utility back Born: Canberra, Australia Date of Birth: 19 April 1981 (27) Nationality: Australian Other Clubs: — Career Totals: 43 apps, 10 tries What do we know?

Well, first of all, we know not to get confused with some 27 stone American wrestler who shares the same name. Henry is another man coming off a good season in the NRL despite, like Cashmere, playing for a poor Cowboys side. Mark played in 23 of the 24 matches last season, scoring 5 times. He makes plenty of metres for a back and made plenty of line breaks in 2007. Comes with huge ‘wraps‘ (and a sarcophagus?) from Cowboys’ assistant coach Ian Millward.

Rob Parker Signed From: Warrington Wolves Position: Prop/Second Row Born: Westhoughton, Bolton Date of Birth: 5 September 1981 (27) Nationality: English Other Clubs: Bradford Bulls

& London Broncos Super League Totals: 171 apps, 19 tries What do we know?

‘Wingnut’ joined Bradford Bulls in 2000. He was loaned out to London Broncos in 2001 for a 10 game stint.

Later, he forced his way through the Bradford Bulls Academy to establish himself as an integral part of the powerful Bulls pack, collecting Super League medals in 2003 and 2005 and winning a Challenge Cup final (2003) and a World Club Challenge (2004). Parker was a near ever present in the all conquering Bradford team that won the league and cup double in 2003, and he played his part in the Bulls’ Grand Final defeat to Leeds Rhinos the following season. An accomplished performer in both front and second row, Parker was appointed England captain in 2004 and led his country to the European Nations Cup.

‘As a Cowboys fan, he has been a revelation for us since arriving as a journeyman reserve grader a couple of years ago… He goes with my blessing and gratitude for his efforts for the club and my best wishes for the future.’ nqboy (on Cashmere) League Unlimited forums ‘I really hate England stealing all our players…

Geez fuck off and produce your own players. But he's considerate at least.

Bloody hell we'd miss him like mad.

Shorty (on Cashmere) League Unlimited forums

The patented ‘Gareth Haggerty Rehydration Programme’ wasn't right for Mark Henry

our most expen Florida calls. Salford’s stateside tussle with Leeds Rhinos isn’t quite the longest we’ve travelled to watch the Reds, but for a preseason friendly, surely it is. Does it mean it’s expensive too?

Could you even jib it? TC weighs up the options.

Expecting a friendly match involving Salford is a bit like waiting for an M10 bus—they’re sporadic, but then all of a sudden, four turn up all at once. Preseason friendlies certainly weren’t in vogue during Karl Harrison’s tenure as head coach. The Colin Dixon Memorial Trophy long since mothballed, you sensed he even begrudged playing the RFL enforced games against Swinton. However, under Shaun McRae, Salford are set to play four of them in as many weeks: against Leigh, Leeds, Widnes and Oldham.

Friendlies don’t always appeal to everyone. The result is of no significance (although in certain friendlies the win has been well celebrated!). There might not necessarily be a full team out. Or you just can’t be bothered with the umpteenth ’last ever game at Wilderspool’.

Others welcome them with open arms. It’s a great chance to catch up with familiar faces, or to see how the team is shaping up for the forthcoming season.

Some look at it as a chance to get away from the family/Christmas TV for a few hours. Or maybe you just want to show off your new jumper.

With me it’s a bit of all of the above.

Suddenly though we had a preseason friendly that generated excitement which in some cases descended into downright giddiness. Not only were Salford going to Florida during preseason, we were actually going to play a game there. Most fans would have paid no more than a passing glance to the announcement but quite a few people saw a great big ’I was there’ chufty badge to adorn their Christmas jumper. I like badges so

Not only were during presea ing to play a ga have paid no m to the annou fans saw a gre badge to ador

upon hearing the game was definite I was straight on t’internet looking at US cities where you can get flights to direct from Manchester.

Orlando was the nearest and Virgin Atlantic were offering a tad over £350 for flights to Orlando and back.

A further internet search saw a trip on the train from Orlando to Jacksonville for $23 each way. US Airways offered flights to Jacksonville from Manchester airport— changing in Philadelphia—for a similar price.

For those that can’t stretch to that kind of cash—at present, who can blame them—there are alternative [albeit less conventional] ways to get to Jacksonville.

Perhaps most obvious to the masochist in all of us, is to airmail yourself to Florida. It’s been done numerous times on TV; episodes that spring to mind include in The Simpsons—where Bart becomes a courier to get him and his freighted friends from Knoxville to Springfield—and, of course, the vampire in The Young Ones, disguised as a driving instructor from Johannesburg, who was sent via second class post to Britain from the Transvaal. So it’s been done fictionally, can it be done in reality? Well the reality is pretty disappointing, because it’s not at all a cheap option.

For example, Parcelforce’s cheapest price for shipping a 5'6", 12 stone parcel from Salford to the east coast of the United States is a whopping £319. Not only that, the logistics of the quote has its probelms. The average man (I’m not one to discriminate, but it’s usually blokes who are dickheaded enough to pull of such a stunt) is taller and heavier than this. And after three days in transit, there’s the risk of desiccation, especially

a heavily-in-debt and near suicidal Charles McKinley charged £377 on his UPS card—the only capital left available to him—to ferry himself, in a large crate, from New York back to his parents’ home in Dallas. It worked, and he survived. Luckily, the package was carried in a pressurised container; on a cargo plane, he’d have been dead meat.

The only unfortunate thing was that the delivery driver spotted what had occurred and phone the police.

An investigation found that McKinley’s itinerary was: New Jersey to Buffalo, onto Fort Wayne, Indiana, before arriving in Dallas. Imprisoned for being a potential terrorist, McKinley was later charged as a ‘misdemeanour stowaway’, carrying a fine of £823 and £3,843 restitution to UPS. A let off considering the maximum sentence was 50 years in the clink. v So am I going then? Not yet. Flights were almost booked until Capital One decided to decline the purchase because: ‘Flights to Florida are outside of your normal spend.’ Well duh! Quite a fortunate occurrence though as my would-be travelling buddy works in the finance industry—well he does at the time of writing— and it’s that uncertainty preventing him from committing to the trip.

Shame really as I think it would make him the only Salford fan to have travelled from the US to Europe for a game (New York to Perpignan last year for Catalans 66, Salford 6), and to have travelled from Europe to the US for a game. And for a Salford fan that wouldn’t be a bad chufty badge to have.

nsive friendly? if a courier inadvertently puts a couple of packs of Silca Gel in your box. And upon death on arrival, your next of kin gets the measly compensation of just £150, bearing in mind that you’ll have invalidated your life insurance policy just by thinking about doing this.

Having said that, at least one person has had success with this method of transportation. In 2004,

e Salford going to Florida ason, we were actually goame there. Most fans would more than a passing glance uncement but quite a few eat big ‘I was there’ chufty rn their Christmas jumper.

Facts About J’ville

When you think of Florida, you think of cities like Miami and Orlando, where men roll up the sleeves of their pastel coloured suits, where killer whales jump for freedom, where people skim across the Everglades in those hovercraft boat thingies, and where that Only Fools’ Christmas special was set. Yet, Jacksonville is, by far, the largest and most populated city in the Sunshine State. Average daytime temperatures in January are 18ºc, but the early forecast for Salford’s match is over 20ºc. That said, the lowest temperature recorded in Jacksonville occurred in January too, on the 21st, 1985. It was a biting -14ºc that day. Even if it were hurricane season, which it isn’t, the city has only received one direct hit since 1871 anyway. Leeds played South Sydney in J’ville last year; the Rhinos edging out the Rabbits 26–24. A healthy crowd of 12,000 were attracted to the spectacle, in celebration of Australia Day. Whether most were there just to see Russell Crowe in the flesh is debatable.

scarlet turkey snapshot #27

The RFL introduce another well thought out scheme to level Super League’s playing field

Statistics

The Golden Boot Congratulations to Australia’s Billy Slater, the new incumbent of the Golden Boot award—a.k.a RL’s international player of the year, voted by a panel of writers and broadcasters chosen by Rugby League World magazine. You can’t begrudge Slater the honour as he’s had a cracking year. Although it is ironic that plenty of the Australian media and supporters pinned the blame of losing the World Cup on his back, because of the monumental boob he made in the final.

Billy Slater is the fourth recognised full back, or number one jersey, to win the award. Whereas only one winner has come from hooker and second row respectively. At 25, ‘The Kid’ is close to the median average age for Golden Boot winners— twenty six. That’s not to say the chances of winning are over past that age: Mal Meninga scooped the gong aged 30, and remains the oldest man to have won it. The youngest? That’d be a 24-year old Cameron Smith, who won the award in 2007.

A whopping eighty-seven percent of Golden Boot winners are Australian, including, of course, Garry Jack. As it happens, Jack links the previous three numbers: he was 26 when he won the award in ‘87, playing with a no. 1 on his back. He also remains one of only two players to have played for an English club whilst being the Golden Boot incumbent.

The two clubs being Salford and Wigan—who had the ‘Black Pearl’ Ellery Hanley in their ranks.

Hanley is also one of just two Englishmen to have held the title; the other being a dubious gift to Andy Farrell. (Farrell was also at an English club as the Golden Boot incumbent; however with Saracens being a rugby union club, we all know that doesn’t, and will never, count.) Both men are recognised best loose forwards: their most famous pictures being whilst wearing the number thirteen jersey. As we’ve already mentioned: 13 of the 17 Golden Boot winners are Aussies and two are English, leaving two New Zealanders: one of whom—Stacey Jones—retired after 13 years as a professional. (Incidently, he returns for his 14th at New Zealand Warriors in 2009.)

You can argue that Andy Farrell played his best rugby at prop-forward in 2004, the year he won the Golden Boot. In this case, Farrell would be the only recognised number eight to win it. One reason could be because there were no Golden Boot presentations for eight seasons between 1991–98. Darren Lockyer and Andrew Johns are the only guys to have won the Golden Boot twice, the former being one of 8 players to have played for New South Wales, which brings us nicely back to Garry Jack, who also starred for the Blues in State of Origin.

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Time Machine

Mystic Gino Our predictionmeister of yesteryear is but a floating essence in the cosmos today. We look back at some of his calls: the greatest hits, the widest misses and a few random recalls

Hits Issue #6, Autumn 1999 ‘The time comes for the new Super League chief to be unveiled. Ex-Football Association head honcho Graham Kelly is among the front runners for the job. However, he loses out; allegedly he’d took a bung somewhere in the region of £300,000 from the Welsh FA. The bung didn’t meet the requirements of Super League because it was too low.’

Kelly resigned from his post of FA chief executive at the end of 1998, amid financial irregularities. Press reports alleged that Kelly authorised a loan of £3.2m to the Welsh FA (FAW) in return for votes that may have helped England win hosting rights for the 2006 Fifa World Cup. However, a Fifa investigation later found that Kelly had done nothing wrong. In 2002, Graham Kelly was among the favourites to become the RFL’s executive chairman.

Issue #7, Spring 2000 ‘Usually one of the better all-dayers of the season, typically it looks as if the game will be switched, yet again, to a Friday night. The conspiracy to deny Salford fans of decent away day trips continues…’ …and still it continues. There are only five away fixtures on a Sunday this upcoming season, despite hardly being on Sky Sports. Hull FC are the latest club to jump the good ship Sunday afternoon to Friday nights.

Issue #18, August 2002 15 September, vs. Warrington Wolves @ the House of Lame. Score: 12–21 win ‘This game… looks to settle Salford’s fate with one

game still left to play. Harrison’s men know they were deserving of a win [in their previous meeting] in July and won’t balls it up again.’

Okay, so the predicted score is a tad askew. The Reds’ won 2–22. However, it would have took a brave person to predict a win for Salford that day. So there must have been something in the air that night. (Oh Lord…)

M i ss e s Issue #17, April/May 2002 7 March, vs. Castleford Tigers @ The Willows.

Score: 12–24 loss Strictly, it was true—the prediction came to pass and Salford lost that day. The Reds scored four more points.

Um, not bad. Castleford, however, scored 50 more points. Very bad.

Issue #21, Autumn 2003 ‘[Leeds] have unearthed a diamond in Danny McGuire— the player everyone thought Rob Burrow was gonna be. Hyped up to the bollocks that imp is. It looks like Robinson from Wigan is going to piss all over his chips.

Expect Burrow to sign for Wakefield next year.’

Where to start with this drivel? It turns out that Rob Burrow went on to be the player he promised to be, and everything McGuire flattered towards. And as for Robinson, well, the recent selection for England’s World Cup campaign tells you all you need to know. Robbo’s absence spoke volumes, as did Burrow’s firm grip on the coveted no.7 jersey.

Randoms Issue #7, April 2000 Paul Carige returns to England as a surprise late entrant for the London mayoral elections. ‘He’s the most complete ‘mare I’ve ever come across,’ says campaign backer John Wilkinson.

Salford hires a new member of the medical staff, in the hope that Wigan will snap him up from under their noses within a month. Wigan apparently has the trend of late in recruiting newly made part-time Salford staff.

The Reds’ new club doctor H. Shipman is expected to join Wigan before the end of the month.

John Harvey is said to be interested in signing Kris Tassell’s uncle in a bid to strengthen the pack. Rumours that his name is Fester and is aged 256 years old are quashed.

The Manchester Evening News reports that Pete Waterman is the front runner to take over the financial hot seat at Wigan. Interviewed by Neil Barker, Waterman says: ‘I’ve always been a lifelong Wigan fan. The place runs through my veins. I was at the last game against Salford and thought that this was the place I’d like to concentrate my efforts into.’ Rumours suggesting that said game was actually two years ago are said to be complete rubbish. (vs. London) Salford have cause to celebrate as Kris Tassell scores a wonderful solo effort. Picking the ball up at Salford’s 20, he ghosts past the defence with a spirited run, trailing bodies in his wake. He rounds Tollett and leaves Flemming for dead. The noise created by the Salford faithful is loud enough to even raise the dead. This worries new club doctor Shipman, who shits himself as more of Tassell’s kind are likely to come looking for him.

Top referee Kamp Kirkpatrick is announced as the head of the new Complaints Division for Super League.

Letters should be sent to The Tradesman’s Entrance, 69 Cadbury Avenue, Bourneville Boulevard, Yorkshire.

Personal queries should be delivered through the backdoor, by request.

Issue #8, May 2000 Bradford stalwart Captain Hornblower collapses and has to watch the Challenge Cup final in hospital. A nation rejoices.

Frank Endacott wins an award sponsored by Cape Swedes, for having the fattest head in Super League.

He narrowly takes the title from Shaun McRae. It is said three Ellery Hanley heads can fit inside one of Endacott’s red spots.

Issue #9, June/July 2000 Brett Dallas hastily denies rumours that he is the love child of Chris Evans and Sarah Ferguson.

As expected, Salford are little match for Wigan. The defining moment is Steve Renouf’s try. Running at the defence, he shows some of that ‘Monkey Magic’ that

has made him so formidable throughout the years. During the try celebrations John Harvey is seen knelt down, beating the ground shouting ‘damn you… damn you all to hell’.

Issue #10, August 2000 The press reports Wigan’s renewed interest in Kumul test scrum half Adriam Lam. The headlines include: ‘Wigan chief fancies Lam.’ I’d be worried if he fancied a bit of pork too Adrian.

David Hulme’s email address is pubished this week.

Emails should be sent to: F**%£~#T££!!****?!#$$%@ t**ts.org BBC’s Harry Gration is ordered by the rugby league fraternity to change his catchphrase as it is of a contradictory nature. From now on the new slogan for the Super League Show will be: Enjoy your rugby league, we obviously don’t.

Issue #12, April/May 2001 Expect (vs. London): The press to brown nose Jim Dymock after the game.

Don’t expect: To see the brown finger, John Hopoate, after the game.

Issue #13, May/June 2001 Never one to rock a boat nor buck a trend, Warrington prop Andrew Gee considers going back home; but all the best excuses have already been taken. Homesick (also known as ‘doing a Hudson’—bollocks that no-one falls for anymore) has already been taken: step up Kevin Walters. A ‘career ending injury’ a’la Georgialis off limits too. Yet Gee, using his almighty wisdom, comes up with a cogent enough excuse and hands in his notice. The reason for his resignation? He wasn’t sure whether he’d turned the gas off at home… in Brisbane.

Issue #19, February 2003 News coming out of Whitehaven suggests that our former fullback is now miles quicker than he used to be.

He’s now known as Gary Broadband.

Issue #21, Autumn 2003 Other things to expect in the coming weeks: MEN Sport reporting links with Adrian Morley, Brad Fittler, Andrew Johns and a takeover by a Russian oil tycoon; Bobbie Goulding signing for the best side in the league, as player/coach; the best side in Tartastan that is: Strella Kazan; Kevin Ashcroft saying Strella can go all the way to Cardiff now the mercurial Goulding is at the helm; Chev Walker realising that soap on a rope is such a great invention; More flags at the back of the Shed…

Top Five

Infamous sackings etc.

Okay, okay. So Stephen Bannister wasn’t sacked, technically. Though surely his contract offer wouldn’t have been withdrawn if it weren’t for his antics on ‘Mad’ Monday. Here’s some more memorable incidents that blighted a few careers.

1. Warren Stevens A typical big and daft style prop-forward who wasn’t nicknamed ‘Brains’ for nothing. Stevens formed part of an unremarkable frontrow duo with Craig ‘Timber’ Makin during a particularly dour period of Salford’s history. Rumour had it on one particularly boozy evening at The Willows, he was so sozzled that he pissed on the bar. As you can imagine, not particularly the best way to endear yourself to the boss.

Whether that incident actually happened or not is now part of folklore.

Regardless, can’t say we were sorry to see him go. Later, he represented Warrington and Leigh, and perhaps some other clubs. Meh. 2. Paul Hayward Hayward was a athletic man: a stand-off for Newtown Jets in the latter half of the 1970s, he was also selected to represent Australia’s boxing team in the Montreal 1976 Olympics; though having turned professional, he was disqualified from entry. The last try Hayward scored for Newtown was in July 1978. Three months later, he was arrested in Bangkok on suspicion of smuggling 8.4kgs of heroin into the country.

Indeed, Hayward was later convicted of drug trafficking and sentenced to 30 years in jail. During his time inside, Hayward spent time in Bangkwang, or as it’s affectionately known— the ‘Bangkok Hilton’. In 1989, he was released after being given royal pardon. Not that he could truly enjoy his freedom. Having contracted HIV and a heroin addiction whilst locked up, Hayward died of a related illness in 1992.

3. John Hopoate We all know the story, don’t we? In 2001, Hoppa was suspended for 12 weeks for putting his fingers up the arses of three North Queensland players during one NRL match. That didn’t stop Manly later acquiring his services from Wests. A few years after this episode, however, and after a few other misdemeanours, Hopoate outraged the RL world by planting a flying elbow on Cronulla’s Keith Galloway. The obscene

blow was enough to convince Manly to issue his dismissal. Never to be seen in an RL shirt again, Hoppa turned his hand to professional boxing. He’s currently Australia’s heavyweight champion, but even that victory was marred in controversy. Opponent and former champion Bob Mirovic ended the fight with a broken arm; he claims, it was the result of foul play from Mr. Hopoate.

4. Julian O’Neill Quite possibly the king off-field japery, O’Neill’s indiscretions are legendary. In 1995, he was ejected from a Gold Coast casino having been caught on tape pissing under a blackjack table. Although he was found not guilty of indecent exposure, he was later alleged of doing similar at a casino in Brisbane. The Broncos shipped O’Neill over to their UK operation in London, which didn’t help that much as he was released after committing a drink driving offence. Perth Western Reds offered the chance for redemption, thwarted by another drink/ drive charge. The coup de grace occurred in 1999. Whilst with South Sydney, O’Neill smeared puke and faeces on the wall of a hotel room in Dubbo and crapped in a shoe belonging to teammate Jeremy Schloss, before throwing it on the roof. The incident was known as the ‘poo in the shoe’ affair. Although he was comparatively tame during his longer UK stint, O’Neill fired a reckless parting shot in 2004. During a tour to Australia, whilst on a river cruise, the Widnes man was accused of attempting to set fire to a 13 year old boy who was wearing a foam rubber dolphin suit. It’s reported O’Neill then stripped to his gruds and swam ashore.

4. Todd Carney Another piss artist, Todd Carney urinated on a bloke in a club. Ultimately sacked by Canberra last year, he is currently banned from competing in the NRL until 2010. Huddersfield signed Carney for their 2009 campaign but, alas, was denied a visa due to drink drive offences.

Stan Laurel

Separated at birth Tony Smith

Page Thirteen

Gossip, rumours, complete bullshit and the rest of the crap we couldn’t think of anywhere to put. We remind you that Page Thirteen is best served with a pinch of salt

☻ Jurassic commentator Ray French may no longer suit the palette of the modern supporter, but at least his senility keeps us entertained. The Times’ RL blog noted that after a particular hard day of World Cup reportage, Raymond retreated to his Sydney-based digs for a kip.

Bemused that he couldn’t find his slippers, he thought nothing of it and got some much needed shut eye. It was only when he woke up, and tried to fish out a shirt from a wardrobe women’s clothes, that he realised he’d wandered into the wrong apartment. Hence the press packs’ new nickname for him: ‘Raylene’ French.

Although we prefer Goldilocks. ☻ For every benefit a new stadium promises a club and its supporters, there’s usually a downside. Leigh Genesis FC (nee RMI) chairman Dominic Speakman resigned in October over logistical issues surrounding Leigh Sports Village. We mentioned the growing incumbrance of health and safety legislation on our stadia in the last issue, but it seems other running costs associated with services at Leigh’s new home was the last straw for the amateur football club’s head honcho.

Apparently, Genesis were quoted on stewarding for their matches that would cost £3,000 per game. This for 40 stewards and another five in a control room, probably for a usual crowd of just 250 people. In comparison, the cost of stewarding at Hilton Park was £200. Meals for the players—which the club are obliged to provide 40 of in accordance with League rules—also clocked in at £2 per person at their previous mainstay. At LSV? £7.50 a man. Let’s hope this Premier League band of pricing doesn’t transfer over to our game lock, stock and barrel.

Widnes Vikings unveiled their new shirts for 2009 with legendary 80s prop forward Kurt Sorenson in tow. An interesting choice of colour for the away strip. Either Widnes are having self-deprecating pop at themselves, or, despite trying for years to rid themselves of their chemical past, the irony of using toxic yellow is totally lost on them.

Quality research MEN Sport: ‘Ray Cashmere has already arrived in Salford and he will shortly be followed by scrum-half Jeremy Smith, a member of New Zealand’s World Cup winning squad.’ ☻☻☻ Caught shorts Salford Advertiser published a photo in the off-season featuring Swinton’s promising youngsters. Pity for bitter blues then that one of them was snapped wearing Salford City Reds shorts. ☻☻☻ Volcano erupts Lesley Vainikolo was recently charged with causing GBH to a 25year old man. He denies the charge. Kudos to the ’papers for describing him as ‘England rugby star’ rather than ‘ex-Bradford Bull & rugby league legend’. ☻☻☻ Taking the piss Vis-a-vis Ellery Hanley on ITV’s Dancing on Ice. Why was this the main story in a recent League Express? Shite.

☻ Riffs, Tiffs and Quiffs is a cracking little exhibition at Salford Art Gallery about the history of the city’s popular music icons. It comes with an accompanying map that which features the Willows as the ‘King of Cubs’. Even better is a Google video by Cerysmatic Factory touring key Factory Records sites. The Willows features on that too as an upmarket ‘chicken-in-a-basket-type place’, and states that last year when Morrissey played at the Lowry, he said ‘it’s just like being at the Willows’. ☻ Word of the day: cougar. As in a woman who pursues men in the 20s despite being significantly older than them. Keith Senior got into hot water with the missus back home during the World Cup after claims of being caught romping with the infamous ‘Coogee Cougar’ Charmyne Palavi, 36—whose previous conquests include Sonny Bill Williams and Johnathon Thurston among others. She commented: ‘He’s a 10 between the sheets and has a great body for an old guy,’ Senior being a relatively geriatric 32 years of age. ☻ There were some interesting names amongst the BNP membership list, which was published, without permission, late last year. Kenny Gill, Richard Webster, Peter Williams, David Young, Andrew Gregory, Michael Wainwright, Michael Hancock and John Wilkinson all featured. We understand they are not the same people who count Salford RLFC as part of their history. ☻ Is it just us, or have the club done next to nothing in helping Paul Highton in his testimonial year? There’s no comparison between his testimonial committee and those who were given a benefit year in the 80s. What changed? The vagaries of new Inland Revenue changes perhaps? Or sheer can’t-be-arsedness? ☻ Since the last issue, Trish Goldsmith has left the club. We doubt she was a big fan of ours. However, it’s noticeable that during her time at Salford, the amount and quality of its corporate partners increased. Whether justly deserved or not, most of Salford fans attribute this to her. Kudos. However, we won’t miss being told to sussh after every home game in the Willows bar.

Retrospective It’s ten years since issue #1 was put together, sold outside the Willows and smuggled into the Tavern in plastic bags, just as if it was prime steak nicked from the local supermarket. We’ve picked a few pieces from the first 24 issues; hopefully they’ll jog a few memories.

▲ Understanding Eddie and Stevo has never been more apt after the post-World Cup malaise

Challenge Cup commentaries won’t be the same without Ray French Cup Final Bingo ►

◄ We’re still perplexed as to how this man got hold of a 1994 Salford shirt in Gambia.

â–ź The off-season story maker, must still be used today given the content of recent press articles.

â—„ A legend. And the best post 1980s team.

◄ ▲ Two adverts that should have been

Signage that to be frank would be much more useful â–ş

▲ The infamous Carige article: ‘Paul is known as a bit of a practical joker.’ He must have been good because we all believed he was rugby league player. The swine.

The last time we ask groupies for an honest assessment on the players they stalk

â–˛ Give it five years and this will be average attendance at Odsal

â–˛ Give it five years and Freddie will be mopping piss in a toilet

◄ Another white elephant. To be renamed the ‘Oh Boy Oh Boy’ arena

Away Tripping

Excerpts from the classics vs. Castleford Tigers @ Wheldon Road (06.09.98; 30–12 loss) — Issue #1 As with a lot of away games this year, the Castleford game was a major disappointment to the Salford faithful. Coming off the back of a three match unbeaten run, a decent number of Reds fans made the trip along the M62 to watch the match hoping Salford could make it four. As it was, the highlight of the day belonged to Archie with his full rendition of the full monty in the pub before the game.

Jason Critchley, as always, provided much merriment for the Salford crowd. He has become such an icon to many Reds fans over the years, due mainly to the Richard Webster incident, but the cry of ‘Suck It’ to Jason, from the editor of this esteemed organ, was surely too much.

[Two words mate… Ed] A.N.Other vs. Halifax Blue Sox @ the New Shay (06.04.99; 30–14 loss) — Issue #3 The first worrying thing we noticed about the town was in a chippy, where they were advertising: ‘Cat Bits — 30p.’ It’s common knowledge that cat bits find their way into dodgy curries, but to be openly advertising it takes the piss…

The New Shay, there’s a joke. I can understand why North Queensland Cowboys, who play in the tropics, have stands with no roofs, but why, in 1999, in West Yorkshire (not renowned for its arid climate) they build two new stands without roofs shows what a set of tight fisted bastards they are.

IP vs. Gateshead Thunder @ the Thunderdome (25.04.99; 38–14 loss) — Issue #3 The pre-match discussion on the long, boring drive up the A1M was how many Salford fans would be there. Five carloads? 6 carloads? We arrived at the Thunderdome (funny, I always thought domes had roofs) and asked the steward where the best place to park was. We didn’t understand a word he said so we parked up at the pub visited last year at the ‘on the road’ game. The pub looked nicer this year, but nothing had actually changed; it must be that there were no Leeds fans in this time.

One of our group was a hop-along for the day after a football injury.

He was delighted to find out that to get to the stand we were stood behind, we had to walk right round the outside of the stadium to the open turnstile.

Gateshead’s mascot Captain Thunder (a sort of purple Michelin man) then started to try and get the crowd going by attempting to wind up the Salford faithful, thinking that we wouldn’t abuse him, silly boy. The first song went up of ‘captain takes it up the bum (we’d been asked to keep the language decent), do dah’. Then as Captain pointed at the scoreboard at a particularly quiet moment, one voice produced the chant of the day: ‘You can stick your purple helmet up your bum,’

genius, and not a swear word in sight.

IP vs. Bradford Bulls @ Odsal (09.05.99; 46–6 loss) — Issue #4 At 3:15, as we set off for Bradford, little did we know what an incident filled fun-packed day we would have. We didn’t share Gregory’s optimism that our first win is around the corner—perhaps it’s the same corner that my taxi was coming around Friday night as I stood for 20 minutes waiting for it in the rain.

Tradition is a wonderful thing and it was with great pleasure that we saluted the white rose on the M62 with the obligatory V-sign, This was followed by the comment: ’You can tell we’re in Yorkshire, it smells of shit!’ This brought us into life and we waited for the first muppet/mullet of the day…

Awaiting us in the pub was a long-haired Bulls fan with prize moustache. This prompted someone to say: ‘Should we tell her?’ Uncontrolled fits of laughter from us brought bemused looks from the Bulls/ City/anyone-else-doing-well-at-the-moment fans.

Then, to all the Reds’ joy, a couple of mullets walked in and down near us. One was a well groomed mullet and he showed great pride as he flicked it over his shoulder as he sat down. The number of weirdos in the pub made it look like the bar in Star Wars.

Just before kick-off, we noticed ‘Random Bloke’ (a Bradford City fan) stood below us on his own, and he was just looking all around the stand with his back to the game and slowly walking around. After a bit we waved at him and sang: ‘What’s it like to see a crowd?’ He wandered off, aimlessly looking around.

‘Random Bloke’ returned, this time to a chorus of U2’s hit ‘I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For’. After a smile, he looked around again and then went off again, this time to ‘the Wanderer’…

Two years ago at Bradford, they had a half-time parade, which looked like a cross between a parade and a Pink Floyd video. We didn’t think that could be beaten, but they had a damn good go. First of all, they had a rather tricky quiz. You had to cheer when you heard the theme tune to Neighbours. And then just for good measure, Home and Away too. Then we watched in disbelief as kids ran from one side of the stand to the other as a ball was thrown into the stand. Then watching them run back to the other side when a ball was going to be thrown there too…

A couple of Bulls fans started talking to us. One of them (the most intelligent looking one) asked us: ‘Do you go to home games as well?’

I’ve never heard so many sarcastic answers given to a question before.

‘Random Bloke’ walked by again. we began to think that he was liking the attention, but we still sang at him.

Then with minutes remaining, a Salford fan decided he’d had enough and made his way to the bottom of the stand, He then climbed over the fence and ran across the speedway track, to the pitch, to vent

his anger at the players. As he approached the pitch, a steward tried to tackle him. With a nifty sidestep—I hope the players could learn that— he avoided the lunge of the steward, who fell to the ground and was kicked. He was then surrounded by the stewards and local constabulary, who removed him from the pitch.

TC vs. Hull Sharks @ the Boulevard (23.06.99; 18–12 loss) — Issue #5 Hull on a Wednesday night was always going to be a car job and as we set off, the car was divided over the result and team selection.

The trip across the pennines was fairly nondescript, only brightened by trying to catch David Bradbury on the M62, and at the services when the Ed bought a peper (32p) and a Yorkie (37p) and smiled as the girl behind the counter asked him with a quiver in the voice: ‘69 please.’

The first thing we saw near the ground was a Swan taxi. The song was true, Salford had come in a taxi. After parking by a superb chippy, some Hull fans told us that they didn’t expect to win, and they seemed stunned to hear us say the same thing.

TC vs. Castleford Tigers @ Wheldon Road (04.07.99; 38–10 loss) — Issue #5 According to Nostradamus the World was going to end today, and we really didn’t want to be in Castleford when the World ended. When we reached Castleford village centre it looked like the World had ended already…

We stopped off at a pub just before getting back on the motorway with the idea of having a pint and some grub. We weren’t prepared for one of the weirdest pub experiences ever though. A sign on the door said ‘opening July 5th’, but people were going in and out so we wandered in. We were greeted at the door by the manager who explained that they weren’t open yet, but they were open, and we could come in.

There was no queue at the bar and a row of shiny, smiley, polite bar staff all absolutely gagging to serve us. We got our drinks and stood looking for somewhere to sit. Everything looked too clean and tidy and there were staff stood all over the place smiling nicely. If Ned Flanders ran a pub, this would be it. We sat down and quickly drank up as one of our group was starting to find the experience quite unsettling. On the plus side, the manager gave us all £5 vouchers to use on our visit next season, and we realised we could use them on the way to Featherstone if this season went wrong.

IP vs. Huddersfield Giants @ the McAlpine Stadium (11.07.99; 10–24 won) — Issue #5 This was the one everybody had been waiting for, back to Huddersfield without doubt the most loved of all our away day trips. Back in February, we had been treated to one of the best piss ups I can recall surely history would not repeat itself. There were a few heads missing due to the fact that it was the holiday season. Nevertheless the word had got about and there was quite a tidy turnout at Piccadilly. In a marked contrast to February—where the weather had been frankly fucking awful, the weather for this little excursion was the complete opposite—a fucking scorcher.

With our merry band together we sailed forth. the journey was without incident. We got into Huddersfield at opening time and made our way en masse to the Dog and Gun. The landlady of the aforementioned pub must have thought that Christmas had come early as the bar was swamped. During our stay in this pub, a funny incident occured which deserves mentioning. Basically what happened was a bloke sat at the bar keeled over. This immediately grabbed our attention. ‘He’s having a fit!’ ‘No he’s not, he’s pissed!’ Anyway, they started to move this guy outside when some said: ‘Shit! His leg’s come off…’ Yes, he was right.

The bloke’s prosthetic leg lay on the carpet. You’d think this would have caused a wave of sympathy in the pub. Not a bit of it. The pub

erupted in peals of laughter. ‘Not midday yet and he’s already legless,’ piped up some sicko.

In the next pub, the Crescent, we watched Michael Schumacher give the Salford forwards a lesson in going in hard and straight. Unfortunately for him it was straight into a wall. Again there was a distinct lack of sympathy in the pub with comments such as ‘he’s well dead isn’t he’ and ‘two world wars and one world cup’…

The final whistle came and with two well-earned points in the bag we vacated the stadium and began the walk to the best pub in all of Yorkshire: the immortal Ricky’s. By the time the entertainment began the place was packed to the rafters. Then on came ‘Sacha’, a Britney Spears lookalike dressed as a schoolgirl. Some lucky gets were treated to marshmallows during the show while the rest looked on jealously.

The act finished and the pub emptied as quickly as it had filled with most boys content they had found the star of their next Thomas.

PN/PM vs. Wigan Warriors @ Central Park (25.07.99; 64–2 loss) — Issue #6 The train journey to Wigan—one of our (usually) most enjoyable away trips—started badly. Yet again we were standing up on the Piccadilly to Southport train. The day did, however, cheer up when the conductor was revealed as none other than Leo Sayer (well, some woman who looked like him anyway) and the normally routine ticket checking (for those that had them) was accompanied by ‘you make me feel like dancing’.

Upon arriving in Wigan some 35 minutes after opening time, we were cheered up slightly on encountering our first group of ‘loyal’ Wigan fans who were boarding the train to Southport; even as Wigan walks go, this was talking the piss.

After watching a village idiot try to work out how a swipe card works, we continued towards ‘Tesco’ making sure that we took on plenty of fluids with the weather being hot. After passing another welcoming committee of police, we took our places, ready to take on the ‘noisiest fans in the league’ (as quoted from Wigan’s PR man; excuse me whilst I chuckle). Despite the fact that these ‘noisy fans’ were only up against Salford, they still resorted to banging drums and playing Chesney Hawkes when we got too loud.

Following a lacklustre performance on the field, the Red Army (now surrounded by a ring of luminous yellow and a few members lighter) carried on singing beyond full time, and in fact until the local Gestapo escorted us out, Out of the ground and after some free pea soup in the Griffin there was time to take in a couple of other hostelries. Then it was time to go to… no, not the train station, but to Shapiro’s (except for those who can’t stand the place) where full advantage of their 2-for-1 offer on alcohol was taken and a quality disco (subject to personal opinion) passed the time until it was time to go home and look forward to another Monday hangover—one of the only consistencies in Salford’s season.

SB vs. London Broncos @ the Stoop (07.08.99; 28–14 loss) — Issue #6 A considerably lower than normal number of Salford fans waited impatiently at Piccadilly for the 8:30 Virgin train to London Euston. It finally arrived at 8:45 (typical of Virgin really) and we vowed to ‘have a word with Branson’ if we saw him at the game!

When the ticket inspector came, we each in turn fed him the line ‘cheers…ta,’ to which he responded ‘thank you’. He left to a chorus of ‘cheers, ta, thank you!’…

We made our way to the Sports Cafe, whereupon we were charged £2.80 a pint! Luckily for me it was Ed’s round. The Sports Cafe has lots of useless memorabilia: from the Simod Cup to a Gareth Southgate England shorts. From there we started walking to Trafalgar Square—

the place for the unveiling of the Scarlet Turkey flag. Once there, we waited for a lion to become free. As the picture was being taken, a young Asian girl came and stood by the flag whilst the people she was with started to take pictures of us! Rather bemused, we left Trafalgar Sqaure and began the long walk down the Mall to Buckingham Palace.

All the way down, we took it in turns to abuse the Queen. In the end, we decided she’s a ‘Kraut money-grabbing leech’…

The game itself was very frustrating as London were there for the taking and we didn’t take the chance. The only bright spots were in the second half. Everyone was looking at an incoming place as London drove out in their own half. Suddenly everyone was cheering; we looked to find Joe Faimalo running in to score! Then a truely remarkable feat: Salford did a cleaver short kick-off. We celebrated as though we’d won the game…

Sitting down in Burger King, we were treated to the highlight of the day. A guy with hair halfway down his back, all perfectly groomed, wearing a suit and carrying an umbrella came striding into the foodcourt with his mate. He turned to talk to his mate for a moment, then turned to walk on. Except when he turned, he didn’t look and walked straight into a table!

TC vs. Leeds Rhinos @ Headingley (18.08.99; 50–16 loss) — Issue #6 Our esteemed editor had been invited to commentate for the video and so we made our way behind the sticks while he went up to the TV gantry. A bright start by the Reds was rewarded with a try… Then a superb offload by Baynes and an excellent run by Carige extended our lead. Our Ed was jumping so much we thought he was gonna fall off the gantry!

TC England vs. France @ the Boulevard (25.10.99) — Issue #7 As we entered the forecourt to the ground we witnesses a PR girl working for the local radio station handing out goodie bags and blowing up balloons for the local kids. One of our group piped ‘I’ve got something you can blow on’, and when the laughter stopped I went up for five goodies bags only to find that she only had two left. This led to a mass scramble for the best pens and caps that lay inside…

It became obvious that the ground was full of Hull fans demonstrating against David Lloyd and his hold at the club. As the game progresses, the demonstrations began. Poor Darren Rogers was pelted with about 50 tennis balls whilst waiting for a scrum…

Not that all the attention was centred around Lloyd; whilst taking a conversion a French player was mocked with the cries of ‘beef beef beef’ from the Threepenny Stand—in reference to the beef crisis. Apart from this, the game was a bit of a walkover for the English and we spent the rest of the game taking pictures of cheerleaders and cheering at the many cock-ups Steve Blakeley and Nathan McAvoy were producing. The game ended quickly and we headed to the main bar where we met the lads from Hull’s ’zine and then bumped into a legend—Sky commentator Mike Stephenson.

PM vs. Barrow Raiders @ Craven Park (13.02.00; 18–34 win) — Issue #7 With trains hardly ever running to Barrow and taking the coach an undesired option, today was a car job. The drive was less tedious as usual. The first chuckle of the day went to the Sunday Sport headline: Man Eaten by Mutant 6ft Cocks. They even had pictures. A lingerie special in Maxim helped pass the time, as did a nostalgic look back at the TV show Indoor League and Fred Truman’s regular sign-off: ‘I’ll se’ thee…’

Everyone expected it to be freezing and most of the Salford faithful

were well wrapped up. However, we were more likely to get a suntan than frostbite. A good turnout from Reds’ fans—probably between 1000–1500, and as vocal as ever. Vocal treats including ‘there’s only one Ric Flair’ (to a peroxide blond Darren Holt).

In thinking we couldn’t get a more awkward away tie to get to than Barrow, Salford drew the inevitable… London away.

GS vs. London Broncos @ Kingstonian FC (27.02.00; 20–21 win) — Issue #7 This away tripping was going to be very brief: got on coach, watched game, got back on coach; but it ended up being slightly more eventful. Realising that Kingston was a dump, we could not believe our eyes when we saw the state of the ground. For those that didn’t go, Salford City’s Moor Lane ground is more impressive, and being stung £10 to get in just took the piss.

The first 70 minutes of the game was pretty dull; the best bit was when Edwards made a hash of collecting a kick off right in front of a group of Reds. At 9 points down with 10 minutes left we thought we had no chance as we had hardly looked like scoring all afternoon.

Something happened. No idea what, but it bloody worked. Jason Webber dived over by the sticks, Brown converted and we went ballistic.

Every Salford car leaving was cheered out of the car park and the coaches set off home. About 20 mobiles all rang with news that we had a home tie in the cup; smart money was on Hull away as we’d already been to the ends of the Earth (almost). The rest of the journey was set aside to discuss whether Kris (dead man walking) Tassell’s pasty expression was because he was a zombie, with loads of gags about hearses, urns, ghosting through defences, spirit in the camp etc.

IP vs. London Broncos @ the Valley (09.04.00; 24–33 win) — Issue #8 [On the train, in 1st class as ‘Virgin groupies’.] After reading the ’papers and playing a few hands of cards it was time for ‘A Question of Sport Trivia Balls’. Sporing questions were asked and if you got the correct answer, you got a chocolate ball and the winner had the most chocolates in the end. This game brought no end of controversy as one player deliberated for a while over the question: In which country is the highest golf course in the world? The questions were on the cards with the answers on the back and this particular player had asked a question from this card moments earlier. This was what caused the uproar when he finally gave the answer: ‘Peru.’ Cries of ‘you cheating bastard’ and ‘no fucking way’ caused Radio 5 football commentator Alan Green to look up from his ’paper in amazement at the scenes. Such controversy had not been seen since Maradona’s ‘Hand of God’ in 1986.

When we finally settled down, the questions recommenced and soon came the question: Who was the first cricketer to take 300 Test wickets? The answer: ‘Fred Trueman’ was correctly given and we burst into bouts of ‘ey up’ and ‘I’ll se thee’. And then, a bloke walked past our table and we all looked at each other and said: ‘Wasn’t that Fred Trueman?’ Amazingly, Fred had walked past our table just as we were taking the piss out of him! Still, he kindly volunteered for a quick photo…

After cheering the players off, we went to the bar to celebrate a good win. It was also time to play Chocolate Russian Roulette. This game has 12 chocolates; 11 are filled with praline but one is loaded with hot chilli! Next to go was the person who brought the game and we all cheered as he bit into his chocolate—the look on his face gave it away, this was the chilli one. It was at this moment that a Broncos’ fan came over to congratulate us on our victory. He couldn’t understand why we were all pissing ourselves, as he didn’t see the faces being pulled as the heat of the chilli took it’s toll. After this John Harvey came into the bar and went to every Salford fan in the bar and thanked them

for coming all the way to London to watch the Reds—a gesture that was greatly appreciated.

TC vs. Hull FC @ the Boulevard (21.04.00; 26–22 loss) — Issue #9 At 9.30am on Good Friday morning with the Daily Sport and lads mags bought we set off for Humberside in time to take up an invitation from the In Any Kind of Weather lads. We found ourselves in Hull around 11:30; it would have been earlier if we hadn’t got caught in the middle of the ‘Tour of Hull’ bike race…

Ten minutes into the game we wished we had stayed in the bar as good play and bad tackling conspired to give Hull a 12–0 lead. After early Hull pressure, the Reds slowly began to get their act together and, inspired by the ‘Wizard’ Martin Crompton we watched in amazement as the aforementioned player scored to put the Reds in front.

Unfortunately, the lack of a decent goal kicker cost us dear and in the dying seconds Hull scored to edge back in front and take the two points on offer.

Back in the bar (we had to hide our shirts to get in!) and with more beers, we enjoyed a Madness tribute band and then more entertainment with a speech from Shaun McRae where he described the current Salford team as the best we’d had for five years. (Blimey, we must have been really shit last year!) Once we finished we hit town with the editor of IAKOW (which was a good job after what was said about a young redhead in the bar). With no work in the morning we took up the invitation of one last bar and made it onto the dance floor there for a bit of a boogie before we left home. (Apart from our still sober Ed.) On the journey home, only the Ed’s very loud dance music kept us awake (getting his revenge on the drinkers).

PM Challenge Cup final: Bradford vs. Leeds @ Murrayfield (29.04.00) — Issue #9 Setting off on a Friday afternoon we wondered how long it would be before the ‘Murrayfield Bingo’ would come into play… Less than half an hour was the answer, when we saw a car full of muppets complete with car flag and mullets.

There were two particular highlights of Friday evening: the first being the conversation of a Scottish bloke into a Scottish bloke who hated Bradford. After his conversation with us he could be heard greeting any Bulls fan with this quite appropriate line: ‘Ya fockin glory hontin conts!’ (His words, not ours.) The second was the honesty of the Scots in admitting that they don’t get this many fans for the yawnion matches…

On leaving the ground you’d be forgiven for thinking that you’d stumbled on a funeral; what miserable [Bradford] bastards. If we had won the cup ( I can dream) we would have gone barmy. The vast majority of Bulls fans just trudged back towards the city centre with the air of having been beaten by 50 points. Outside the ground we were told about some Reds—staying in the same hotel as Bradford—who had encountered a certain Hudson Smith in the bar and had made his evening very pleasurable indeed…

One question that came out of the post-match discussion was why didn’t McAvoy do anything like that at The Willows?

SB vs. Bradford Bulls @ Odsal (25.06.00; 96–16 loss) — Issue #10 My first ever Salford game was the encounter with Bradford earlier this year at The Willows. Way back then, when I was innocent to ways of certain other team supporters; I was amazed, somewhat scared and also a little ashamed of the depths grown men can stoop to. The stupid hats, dodgy tashes, 70s mullet, 80s mullet, Michael Bolton mullet, Rockers’ mullet, female mullets, permed mullet with fringe and

tash (I think you get the picture) and their charming wives and children with matching mullets and headgear. You begin to wonder whether the only headgear they should be wearing is the restrictive variety found in what remains of Prestwich hospital.

Now that I’m a little more experienced in the world of Super League I’d thought I’d seen everything. I’d listened to the sound of silence in St Helens, I’d observed the knuckle scraping in Leeds and played count the fingers when the Wildcats were in town; nothing could shock me now! How wrong can a man be! Now I can’t say I wasn’t warned; I wasn’t listening. I’d been around; I’d seen a few silly Super League fans; how bad could it really be?

As usual the day starts with the night before… Three hours sleep and mild alcohol poisoning is not always the best start (not to mentioned the fact that I’d crapped 13 times in the previous 48 hours— that can’t be natural). Taking a brief stop at the services just outside Bradford, the Ed distributed the ‘Bull Bingo’. Similar to bingo except you have to spot the idiots instead of waiting for your number to be drawn. With hindsight the card read more like a dictionary definition: Bradford Bulls fan: adult with cuddly bull (col.)(n) Or Bradford Bulls fan: mullet and furry horns (col.)(n) Or, my favourite and the one that won me a line, Bradford Bulls fan: prick with trumpet (col.)(n) With the Salford faithful all present and correct we headed into the ground. As soon as we got in one of lads shouted: ‘Arsehole with microphone; house!’

44–6 down at half-time wasn’t good but the second half was probably worse. At the final whistle we had lost 96–16 with the only consolation being that we scored the best try of the game [Offiah}. The worse thing about that the scoreline was about right—a case of Bulls vs. Bullocks (there was a distinct absence of balls on display in the Salford team).

The only way to finish the piece is a mini rant about all the shite that is the Bulls experience: the ground, the stewards, the fact that it is in Yorkshire, the player intro songs, Dennis the Menace on a quad, Bullies parade, pyrotechnics, the banners, the score, the small minded waste of space stewards, remote control cars (how pointless), the band, the dancing scoreboard operators (go digital you backwards bastards), the mong clap, YCAM (YMCA to people that can spell) and finally, the arsehole with the microphone!

JCM vs. Leigh Centurions @ the Coliseum (sic) (11.02.01; 16–12 loss) — Issue #12 On reflection, Leigh away was always a potential banana skin for the Reds: the Centurions were undefeated in the Northern Ford Premiership while Salford had just a couple of friendly games behind them and had run into injury trouble with Bobbie Goulding breaking a thumb against Wigan. Still, even with injuries, our Super League quality should have seen us through.

On a pitch that resembled a battlefield from World War One, the Reds struggled in the 1st half but still managed to hold a 12–0 lead thanks to two Warren Jowitt tries; but the 2nd half turned into a nightmare…

The one crumb of comfort that we heard in the pub afterwards— Leeds had stuck 106 past Swinton. As always, there is always someone else worse off than yourselves.

PM vs. Castleford Tigers @ the Jungle (13.04.01; 22–24 win) — Issue #13 The day started early as we got in our local and settled down to watch Wigan vs. Saints… An epic draw, and then we watched the repeat of Naseem Hamed getting his arse kicked wjile waiting for our

lift to arrive.

At last! The opportunity to show off the newest member of our away tripping team, Billy Bob!. The chance to exhibit quality dental work in the middle of redneck Cletusville had come. We arrived in Cas and proceeded to the nearest chippy to line our stomachs. No fish, no pies and no barmcakes meant settling for chips and prawn crackers. Then straight into the pub to meet other Reds, get a pint and stand outside watching the World go by and the police presence gradually increase.

Within five minutes this strange and rather irate old dear informed us that we had been causing trouble in the pubs near the station. Not bad considering we hadn’t been close to the station in about three years!

But where there’s a Salford shirt, there’s a blame…

The after match singsong in the pub was enjoyable with several renditions of ‘Dirty Old Town’; well the first verse as nobody seems to know the words to the rest. Along to the next pub and a real classy joint where the entertainment was the local radio station from a radio on the shelf behind the bar. And, of course, two darling children whp had latched onto us, well, one of us. One moment worthy of note was the embarrassed and quite rapid retreat of their older sister when the little girl informed one of the lads: ’My sister wants to snog you.’ A member of the bar staff on a glass collection round told the little girl that her brother, sister, mum, dad, aunt, uncle and cousin were about to leave, to which one of our member quickly responded (loudly and quickly enough only to be heard by the Reds): ‘Probably all the same person.’

SB vs. Halifax @ the New Shay (06.05.01; 30–18 loss) — Issue #13 The first pub we were in had karaoke on and after a great rendition by one Red of Neil Diamond’s ‘Love on the Rocks’ it was time to move on. Outside we were strangely puzzled to see a load of blokes with cameras snapping away at something round the corner. When we got there, we found out they were taking pictures of a bus! (We later found out there was a vintage bus rally being held in Halifax). After taking the mick, I got called a ‘tosser’; strangely ironic we thought…

Afterwards… the only train we left ourselves able to get had a change at Dewsbury, where we had the time for another cheeky drink before catching the train back to Manchester.

TC Yorkshire vs. Lancashire @ Headingley (05.06.01) — Issue #14 We took great delight in giving Andy Farrell a ribbing with some pie-eaters stood next to us (and reminding them about a certain 31–30 scoreline). We were also waiting to see Andy Coley and Francis Maloney come off the benches. One of our group (not Mystic Gino) suggested that after we had shouted for Coley to come on from the kieckoff, Coley’s first touch would probably be a knock-on. Sure enough it was.

Kipper vs. Huddersfield Giants @ the McAlpine Stadium (17.06.01; 24–32 won) — Issue #14 Despite the unpleasant experience of seeing Cilla Black topless in the Sunday Sport, we were generally feeling good about the day ahead…

We headed off to the Market Tavern by the ground in the hope that Basil Fawlty was still serving behind the bar. Indeed he was and met with several shrills of ‘Basil!’

TC vs. Hull FC @ the Boulevard (06.09.01; 40–8 loss) — Issue #16 A top-notch double-decker coach had been sorted by the SRISA chairman and it was funny to know that we would be travelling in better style than the players. The two hours flew by, the highlights of the 1997

season providing the entertainment (with an interview saying we were going for 4th spot in 1998)…

The HISA lads had sorted out a do for the fans after the game and it was great to see Hull’s chief executive meeting and greeting the fans, thanking them for their support and describing himself as a fan first and a manager second.

An impromptu game of rugby was organised on the pitch [and a who is the fastest person to run from one end of the pitch to the other contest]. With a few butties inside us and plenty of beer we headed back to Salford, with the Ed shouting ‘look at him’ as Kath Hetherington left the ground.

RA SL Grand Final: Bradford vs. Wigan @ Old Trafford (13.10.01) — Issue #17 The day of the final actually started the night before with the Turkey 3rd birthday party. First up was the room hired at the Old Pint Pot on the Crescent, which was decorated with the best articles from past issues and other Salford stuff. There was also Disco Dave on the decks, nice tucker, a few beers and decent chat; plus the Brucie bonus of a Bulls fan complete with a Henry Paul named shirt. He gradually got worse for wear during the night after being traumatised as one Salford lady threatened to throw him off the balcony.

From there is was on to part two at Barça in Castlefield where one of the Reds was doing a set on the decks. Some great tunes were played and the Bulls fan got more toasted and disappeared—we feared he’d been found floating face down in some canal.

Then some unscheduled entertainment arrived as some tit from the grebo staking festival, on in the area the next day, turned up and sat himself down. Just as everyone was wondering who the prick in the shades was and making jokes about being our new Aussie signing, he got up and attempted to Breakdance—bonus free comedy act. A power cut then broke the set and everybody was moved to another room downstairs. Chico broke out a foot long cigar, which made one of the skate dudes nearly cough his lungs out. Rest was needed before the big day to follow…

Not much to say about the game other than Bradford did okay and Wigan were crap. The Wigan walk started on about 55 minutes. Being located in the Bulls end you’d have thought that the Bulls fans would be the most annoying thing around, but it turned out to be a group of Bradford supporting Warrington fans ‘we are the champions’. We kindly pointed out that they finished about 7th and Bradford had put 60-odd past them a few weeks earlier.

After the game in Hanrahans, one Bulls fans was trying to tell the Ed how masochistic it is being a Bulls fan because they’ve bottled it in big games. When the Ed had heard enough of this he simply replied with: ‘If you think it’s hard watching the Bulls you want to try being a Salford like us.’ The Bulls fan responded in the kind of sympathetic tone of voice you take when someone has just told you all their family has just died. Meanwhile, Captain Hornblower and his drummer mates were busy stopping some Salford kids playing with their instruments.

When someone suggested they’d give a kid a fiver if he chucked the trumpet into the Quays the musicians headed home.

Kipper vs. St Helens @ Knowsley Road (08.03.02; 34–2 loss) — Issue #17 The main talking point for Reds fans about the game (apart from the lack of tries) was the Saints pre-match ‘entertainment’ and their off-the-pitch try celebrations. The travelling Reds found it most risible seeing the compere encouraging the Saints fans to join in a song with him. Most predictably, it was fucking ‘Hey Baby’, bastardised to become ‘Hey Jointy’. To their credit, the Saints fans didn’t appear to be having any of it. Then, as the Saimts team came oit, there were

hospe-pipe disco lights wrapped around the pillars of the main stand which started flashing and this was accompanied by disco lights in the opposite stand. Far too Bradfordesque for most Reds who after the match left like ‘A Bat Out Of Hell’.

TC vs. Wakefield Trinity Wildcats @ Belle Vue (23.03.02; 32–18 loss) — Issue #18 In keeping with the season to date, Salford kicked the ball into touch on our first possession after scoring and Wakefield went over to score and from then on they never looked back and won the game quite comfortably. Gutted, we stayed behind and had a pint in the social club where we bumped into Kris Tassell. We were astounded to hear that he had wanted to stay at Salford but it was the club who had made the decision to get rid of him. We then spoke to Peter Roe and asked him if we could have Tassell back, but we got a swift sharp no off him as well.

Pipo vs. Hull FC @ the Boulevard (26.05.02; 28–8 loss) — Issue #18 This away trip witnessed the birth of the Scarlet Turkey Fun Bus. It may not have been the most up-to-date or luxurious coach in the World, but it didn’t matter, we could do what we wanted, without the threat of being kicked off for chewing or saying a rude word. Having said that we could have done with having an extra 500 huskies pulling us up the M62. Slugs on the hard shoulder could be seen taking bets on whether they could keep up with us for a mile stretch.

I foolishly ignored the golden rule when travelling to Yorkshire: wear a thick waterproof coat. Open to the elements, true to form, it lobbed it down. Fine rain may soak you through but torrential rain get you absolutely bloody soaked in the worst possible way. This downpour lasted for most of the game and pretty much saved Salford from getting a beating in a fairly dour affair.

Ming vs. Widnes Vikings @ Halton Stadium (30.06.02; 16–26 won) — Issue #18 At the ground it became apparent that Widnes were just having the side stands open, and after hearing a member of God’s squad asking ‘is Bobbie Goulding beyond redemption?’ we took our place in the stand…

Good laugh afterwards. In one pub talking to a Widnes fan with a scouse accent (fancy that. But they are not scousers though…) and a couple of times he said: ‘It’s murder,’ or as he would squeak—mir-deh.

We tried not to piss ourselves laughing. Then on to Steve O’Neill’s pub, where as he was getting the drinks for our round, he phoned up Bobbie Goulding on his mobile then handed me the phone and I had a little chat with the Super One before handing the phone back to Steve who said the drinks were on him. Damn decent of him. About half an hour later, Messrs. Goulding and Arnold tipped up in the pub and it was generally a good laugh.

On to the final pub before the train home and it turned out to be more than a quiet one for the road. A drunken gent tipped up and asked the barmaid for a glass of water and some food. Unfortunately, the pub had stopped serving food and the barmaid could only offer him crisps or chocolate. He then asked: ‘Have you got any crisps then?’ He had just got his crisps and plonked himself on a stool at the bar when his mobile went off, playing the Mission Impossible theme tune. He went outside to answer it and came back a few moments later and proudly stated: ‘It was for me!’ Unfortunately, he’d noticed that we’d put his crisps on his stool and moved them before settling back down. Then his phone went of again (we couldn’t have planned it better). This time as he was outside, we swapped his tall bar stool for a smaller one. He noticed when he came back but didn’t seem to care and plonked himself down and reached up to the bar for his drink. A

regular at the pub who was stood at the bar remarked to him: ‘Blimey, you’ve gone down in the World!’

TC vs. London Broncos @ Griffin Park (11.08.02; 26–19 loss) — Issue #19 [On the club coach] we had mascot Alf Red travelling with us; I wonder what overtaking drivers in their cars were thinking when they saw a huge inflatable head (a size that put Frank Sidebottom’s to shame) looking back at them…

Whilst drinking outside the pub, who decides to pop in for a pint?

None other than Martin Offiah. He must have been pleased to see us Salford fans congregating outside his local. That’s why he pissed off sharply to the chorus of ‘he scores tries galore, he scores tries…’ Talk about seeing your arse. Mind you, he had second thoughts and came back with one of his buddies ten minutes later.

If seeing one of the old boys wasn’t enough, we witnessed one of the largest aeroplanes that surely exists pass over us and block out all natural light for about five seconds. It was truly a behemoth… As soon as we got in the ground, we were greeted with an offer £6 for 5 cans of ice cold VB. Yoink!

Dennis Moran stole the two points for London. The earlier chant of ‘Dennis is a moron’, a'la Jilted John, only served to fire him up. Later, back on the coach, the sight of Alf Red walking through the services was hilarious; the looks on peoples faces. Don Jolly couldn’t have done better.

Captain Haddock vs. Warrington Wolves @ Wilderspool (17.09.02; 2–22 won) — Issue #19 It was a strange atmosphere in the pub before the match; for the first time in years Salford were in a very dicey predicament, and we were experiencing pre-match anxiety on a scale not known for years.

Most of us sat quietly, not really being able to concentrate on simple things like conversation…

The red following set about creating an electric atmosphere that was sustained throughout the whole game. In the game itself, Salford produced (officially) the best defensive display ever seen in Super League, only missing something like 6 tackles all game. Warrington simply weren’t in with a shout, but the low scoring nature meant it was still a very nervy affair as Warrington attacked Salford’s line in an effort to make up the 10-point deficit with 10 minutes left. Briers put in a dangerous looking kick to the corner, Alan Hunte rose like an Aussie Rules player to pluck the ball out of the air, a yard off his own line, and then set off down the pitch. He made it and pandemonium doesn’t come close to describing the scenes of joy in the Salford end as we knew we would go into the last weekend off the bottom of the table.

IP Swinton Lions vs. Leigh Centurions @ Moor Lane (02.02.03) — Issue #20 With our game away at Gateshead postponed due to a supposed frozen pitch, we decided to make the very short journey to Moor Lane to take the chance to size up our opposition. Once inside we headed for the Portacabin that appeared to be the VIP lounge and had a quick pre-match drink amongst familiar faces…

Back in the VIP lounge after the game, Gino decided to add to the collection of car stickers on the window by adding a Salford Reds sticker. We then amused ourselves by watching how many Leigh players can read ‘mind your head’ and banged their heads on the doorway.

Chief vs. Oldham RLFC @ Boundary Park (09.03.03; 4–64 won) — Issue #20 After the game, a sing-song in the pub was momentarily interrupted as players and staff walked in to have a post-match pint. Mark Lee gave us ‘the Haggy’s on fire’ and hoped for a cup upset against Saints

to make him ‘King of St Helens’. Alan Hunte bemoaned his genius song (he’s since come around to love it) and the sing-song continued) TC vs. Swinton Lions @ Moor Lane (02.04.03; 0–72 won) — Issue #20 After what had happened the night before with my car being nicked, I was glad that three of us had arranged to meet in Manchester at dinner time for a bit of a session before going up to Moor Lane… Once inside we made our way to the little Portacabin that Swinton call a bar and found to our dismay that the Salford Reds sticker that had been proudly placed on the window by Gino had now mysteriously gone…

The game ended with the Reds scoring 72 and our thoughts turned to the England vs. Turkey footy match so we wandered into the Kersal, got a drink and watched as England pulled the Turks apart for a 2–0 win. Feeling in a good mood and knowing I had the day off work on the Thursday, three of us decided that Manchester was the best way to finish the day off and despite Uncle Tony taking myself and Gino into some dodgy underground clubs, it was a great way to finish the day.

Pipo vs. Featherstone Rovers @ Post Office Road (04.05.03; 18–16 loss) — Issue #21 We arrived at Post Office Road quite quickly and off we went to the local drinking establishments. First off was the Railway, which wasn’t too good looking a place to say the least and it was a sight when somebody proceeded to liven it up with some hardcore Wigan pier music at midday. A game of Adamski followed but less said about that the better…

We decided to head back to the ground. The highlight was when two fun bus members, who shall remain nameless, that had set off a couple of minutes early, lost their bearings and walked down the wrong road to the ground. Apparently they realised after a couple of hundred metres (sssshhhyeah right)… The less said about the game the better but we didn’t deserve to win and hopes of ending the season unbeaten had been well and truly dashed. One plus point was the ball from a missed kick (yes Chief, it was Blakeley) being collected by a Salford fan, to provide some fun for later on in the day. As we were waking from the ground some tool proceeded to kick the said ball anywhere someone had clearly paid good money After the game it was off to a pub with the football on as United had the chance to win the league. We got there for the second half and after a nail biting ending, the title came, to the delight of most of the fun bus. As usual there was a stop off on the way back, this time to Ricky’s. There were two Ricky’s virgins on the bus; we were told not to expect much and once we got in we could see why. The stripper looked like Polly Paige and although she was quite rude, it didn’t make up for her looks.

After the show we headed back to the Willows. When we arrived, some people assumed the day was over and went home. However, this wasn’t the case and the best bit was probably to happen here. With the acquired rugby ball in tow, the half-drunk members of the fun bus decided to have a match on the ground. Essentially it was a Turkey crew versus us. The Turkey masters won 4–3 with the highlight being Leeroy’s hat-trick for the losing side with Snelly’s pass for one of them a very close second. There was controversy, however, with the Turkey’s last try being a dubious knock-on [bollocks – Chico].

Leeroy & Snelton Welsby vs. Barrow Raiders @ Craven Park (18.05.03; 20–40 won) — Issue #21 Word must have got around about the fun bus because this was the first time we had used a full size coach and we had people turning up at the Willows armed with beer on the chance we may have some spare seats going. We were making good time on the M6 and enjoying an early morning sing song when a piss stop was requested,

no problem, we thought. After almost ending up in the car park, and not the coach park, our illustrious driver selected reverse… and the gearbox crashed! After a couple of futile and some would say stupid attempts to push the bloody thing, we were resigned to a trip to the shop.

Although we weren’t going anywhere fast, this was not the cue for a sit down three-course meal; it was to a couple of our intrepid bunch.

The rest of the journey was quiet aside from trying to decide which pub to stop at, taking in the scenery, Mystic Gino on needing a piss five times (thought he might have foreseen them), oh, and the incredible sense of expectancy and excitement after one lad said he’d been to a zoo near there and they had a pink rhino. After about five miles of ‘it’s round the corner’, we passed the zoo and there was no pink rhino. He still claims its existence…

It can be a long trip back to Salford, so a pit stop in Lancaster Wetherspoons was called for. What a stroke of luck, only 30p more for a double. Needless to say there was soon singing and one even got up on the table. Staff went to get him down but were heard to say ‘fuck it’ and they went for glasses. A couple of locals commented on how good the atmosphere had suddenly become and that it was good to see people having fun! Back to the bus and on our way… or so we thought.

Our three coursers from earlier were still waiting for pizzas, so we left them this time.

Chopper vs. Rochdale Hornets @ Spotland (15.05.03; 16–32 won) — Issue #21 Back in the town centre we met up with the birthday boy who was already well on the way. With it being his birthday we thought it was only fair to buy him a birthday drink. So we did. I started off by buying him an Aftershock. He downed it in one and was grateful that the Scarlet Turkey had bought him a drink. It didn’t stop there, as each of us proceeded in buying him an Aftershock and by the time he had finished his 4th he was to say the least, pissed. We then entered the Mucky Duck and the birthday boy decided it was time to ‘get naked’.

He started to strip off right in the middle of the pub. We quickly left and headed to the station but things were about to get much worse.

On the train we had a carriage to ourselves and the birthday boy decided it again was time to get naked. We couldn’t take anymore of this and ran towards the next carriage and held the door shut so he couldn’t get near us. This didn’t stop him at every station stop he ran out the door and back into the carriage we were in and this carried on until we reached Hollinwood. By this time he had his clothes on, this didn’t stop him from running round but this time miscalculated his timing and didn’t make it back on the train, thus being stranded. By the time we reached Manchester we had just stopped laughing and it still remains a great topic of conversation even now TC vs. Oldham @ Boundary Park (03.08.03; 22–32 won) — Issue #21 ‘Give me hope Moana, hope Moana, hope until promotion come.’

The best of a fairly rope bunch of new ditties aimed at our then newest recruit. Even though Eddy Grant would be choking on his Malibu in disgust at manipulating his smash hit, he could shove it up his electric avenue for all we cared. Pity then that Moana proceeded to have a bit of a stinker. The mere mention of a chant in his name would have resulted in a wave of clips round the ear holes before you could say I really preferred Billy Ocean…

Spot of the day had to be of a supporter (loitering up and down the touchline throughout the second half) who was the spitting image of Falçaõ—the Brazilian football player from the 80s. Who incidently happened to be wearing a Brasil vest. Surely not…

Chico vs. Dewsbury Rams @ Ram Stadium (07.08.03; 18–58 won) — Issue #21

After a brave start by Dewsbury it soon went the way of the Reds and we’d raced into a 30–0 half-time lead. Second half was going the way of the Reds and the only notable Dewsbury tackle was by a crash barrier on our esteemed Editor. Then a succession of strange penalties in our half gave Dewsbury some momentum and just as some Reds were looking at back-to-back nillings, over Dewsbury went. The response was for Clinch to kick the ball into the in-goal area, and as the full-back was running it out, Clinch pinched the ball and touched it down under the sticks before half the Dewsbury team had realised he’d got it…

On to the station bar for a dubious bottle of 8.5% beer called Duvel.

I say beer, it tasted more like Pepto Bismol…

TC vs. Hull KR @ New Craven Park (07.09.03; 18–16 loss) — Issue #22 We’d been struggling to get a coach as everyone seemed to be either booked up or wouldn’t pick up at the Willows, so we settled for an untried company in Bolton. We were a bit worried earlier in the week when he phoned and started talking about laws only allowing him to let us stop 50 miles from th eground and no stops on the way back. So on the Sunday morning when the most nervous bloke ever (think Spencer from Phoenix Nights) tips up to be confronted by 40 Salford fans we knew we’d be in for an interesting day.

Those who know Craven Park will know that the nearest pub is about half a mile, but this guy now insisted on dropping us off at the ground. So we all had to traipse back to have a drink…

After the game we had a couple of drinks with the players, they showed us their cup and we decided to watch Bradford vs. Leeds on Sky; but discovered the nearest pub with Sky was a mile away. It was time for me to put on my sensible head and ask the coach driver if he’d take us to the pub. ‘What if the police are waiting for me at the top of the road,’ he said. ‘That’s likely,’ I pointed out. ‘I’d lose my licence if they saw me stopping on the way back from a sports event.’ I assured him he’d keep a look out for police, and if they asked us, we’d deny we’d been at a sports event. It worked, and he repented enough to allow us to watch the first hour of the game before insisting he had to go…

I managed to get him to drop me by the motorway at junction 17, but he didn’t want to drop lads in Swinton as it ‘wasn’t on the way to Salford’! Muppet.

Ed NL1 Grand Final vs. Leigh Centurions @ Halton Stadium, Widnes (06.10.03; 14–31 won) — Issue #22 We organised a fun bus (and a half) to ferry us to the game and back. As an added bonus we had arranged an early morning breakfast in a local club whilst we watched the NRL Grand Final. As I drank my first pint at around 9.30am, I must admit to a huge knot in my stomach. Challenge Cup semis and last relegation dramas can’t compare anything to what I was feeling. Slowly but surely as I drank a couple more pints the butterflies slowly started to disappear…

The Leythers in there were very quiet, as usual, and they responded in the usual way, signing the only song they know: ‘Oh Leigh, Oh Leigh Oh Leigh Oh Leigh.’ As we approached the turnstiles the butterflies kicked in so much I didn’t dare open my mouth in case they flew out, something that happens often when the brother-in-law opens his wallet. Once inside we took our seats and the singing began and only stopped when we need to catch breath.

As for the game, well, what can you say? Even thinking about it now puts me in a party mood. I’m sure everyone reading this has their own story to tell but from my point of view I have never experienced anything like it before in my life: ecstasy, deflation, nervousness, to absolute pure joy. the moment Stuart Littler picked up Leeroy Rivett’s wayward pass and scooted in under the posts to seal the game was

an indescribable moment; one I wouldn’t swap even for a night with Jordan.

Pipo vs. London Broncos @ Griffin park (29.02.04; 24–8 won) — Issue #23 We all met at the station in plenty of time to get ’papers and snacks in before we boarded out train. Once sat on the train the cards soon came out as did the beer and we had a good laugh all the way to Euston. Notable Z-list celebrity on the train was the bloke from the Safestyle UK adverts on TV, and he thrilled us at Euston station with a hearty rendition of ‘you buy one you get one free’! Much to the confusion of most of the passengers in the station.

Next stop was Waterloo and a beer as we had a bit of time to kill before we boarded our train to Brentford. It was on this train that I embarrassed myself by asking the Ed what year the Millennium Wheel was opened. The look of the Ed’s face…

Pipo vs. St Helens @ Knowsley Road (16.04.04; 40–4 loss) — Issue #23 Myself and Chico finished work early so we could take in the Peter Saville exhibition at Urbis (dead cultured us you know) and then had a couple of drinks in Centro in the Northern Quarter before we were to meet the others at Knott Bar Fringe on Deansgate. In typical St Helens fashion, the nice day we’d had so far turned into a monsson as we headed across town, and that really set the stall out for the evening’s weather.

Earlier that day at work I received a phone call in a break from a meeting telling me about the Long & Gleeson allegations, with the instructions that I should start thinking of songs. Fortunately someone had shown the foresight to nip into Corals and swipe about 300 betting slips and these were being handed out around the Salford end before the match. The sight of all the betting slips being waved as Saints entered the pitch was one to behold.

As soon as the game started so did the songs: ‘Longy Longy what’s the odds,’ ‘you should be sponsored by Ladbrokes,’ ‘bet for a mate, you’re having a laugh,’ and when Saints scored the first try—‘did you have a bet on that’.

Ed vs. Castleford Tigers @ the Jungle (23.04.05; 32–36 won) — Issue #23 Not a lot of note really happened during the day. We chilled in Wetherspoons’ beer garden for a while, then dropped a tenner from the quiz machine (must have been set at dunce level, it being Yorkshire and all that.) Then we went to the Star Wars Inn—or the Boot Room as the yokels call it. On the way to the ground I apparently walked past Alan Smith as I was ‘wapping’ up the Lancy cricket score.

I presumed it was the former Leeds United player as opposed to Alan ‘Winker’ Smith, who led the Arsenal frontline in the late 80s and early 90s. This was confirmed by a salford fan who walked up to him and asked: ‘Are you Alan Smith?’

No need to mention the game as I’m sure everyone remembers (well, except Pipo) the great atmosphere for the 2nd half comeback, then the fuck ups and then another comeback and the joy and relief as the hooter went…

We had a couple of beers by Leeds station where we were joined by a nugget of a Wigan fan who as we were drinking up to leave asked if we minded him walking with us to the station; the station was across one road and hardly needed an escort.

Fortunately he was quite unchatty on the train back, leaving me and Chico to sporadically break out into the theme tune to Kikstart at a Peter Purves lookalike and reminisce at Dougie Lampkin’s skill at riding a motorbike up hill through a stream.

TC

Castleford

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