Reinforcing Social Skills

Many parents are expressing concern about their children's social development at a time when socializing is limited. Understandably so since developing social skills is linked to success in school. But before they can learn academics, children need to know how to interact with others, control and express their feelings, and take care of basic tasks independently. Developing social skills prepares children for a lifetime of healthy interactions in all aspects of life.

Social skills are the skills we use to communicate and interact with others, both verbally and non-verbally. They facilitate interactions through tone of voice, volume of speech, body language, and gestures. Social skills can be taught, practiced, and learned with effort, and helping children refine these skills requires a different set of strategies in each stage of their development. This process of internalizing and learning (or teaching) the norms and ideologies of society is called socialization, and it is paramount for the overall wellness of our community and culture. Many variables can influence the development of social skills in children; gender, birth rank, number of children in the family, and whether they attend daycare or preschool all influence social development. The pandemic has created yet another challenge no one saw coming-social distancing. Which skills should you focus on and how do you teach and practice these social skills when social interaction is limited?

Four Crucial Social Skills

Listening

Listening is probably the most difficult skill to master. As a matter of fact, we could all use some refinement of this skill from time to time. Learning to listen is crucial for children to understand expectations, follow directions, and thoughtfully respond. Listening is an active process, from identifying sounds to developing language and comprehension, that can give children advantages. Strong listening skills can lead to improved self-efficacy and confidence, mindful thinking, and empathy-all skills that lead to an enriching life. Develop and strengthen listening skills by limiting distractions, engaging two or more senses (such as sight, hearing, movement, touch, or smell), and setting the example.

Self Control

Self-control is a complex skill that allows kids to manage their thoughts, actions, and emotions to learn, work, and manage daily life. Children develop impulse, emotional, and movement control at different rates throughout their childhood. This skill allows them to learn how to wait their turn or wait for things they want without throwing tantrums. It teaches them to manage their emotions, allowing them to slow down and think through their actions and reactions.

Sharing

A willingness to share is essential in making and keeping relationships. Sharing teaches children about compromise and fairness-it teaches them to take turns, negotiate, and cope with disagreements and disappointment. Children need opportunities to learn and practice sharing because most younger kids are likely to be selfish, so make sure to point out, practice, and praise them when they share and play cooperatively.

Empathy

Empathy is the must-learn skill for emotional intelligence and connection but is a very complex skill to develop and nurture. It is the ability to sense, understand, and share the feelings of another person. Teaching children that others have different thoughts and feelings starts with them feeling understood and accepted. Being able to empathize means that a child understands that we are separate individuals with complex but sometimes common thoughts and feelings. They can look at a situation different from theirs and imagine an appropriate and comforting shared emotional response. Dr. Brene Brown, a research professor of the grounded theory, said, "Empathy is communicating that incredible healing message of 'You are not alone.'" Encourage children to become more empathetic by practicing effective listening. Explore different perspectives and points of view with your child. Lastly, take a personal inventory. Be aware of your own ability to understand and share in the perspectives of others. Positive social change starts with empathy.

Although opportunities to be physically near others are limited, opportunities for socializing are everywhere. Because of the need for physical distancing, it does require more effort than arranging a playdate, but with an open mind and some outside-the-box thinking, you can help your child keep working on their social skills. Even while distancing, parents can continue to build on these skills by filling the voids and looking for teachable moments. For example, family members can be great teachers for conflict resolution and negotiation.

Play is important work. For young children, playing is how they learn to think, problem-solve, and investigate the world. It is through play that children discover that learning is fun and become enthusiastic lifelong learners. Playing requires a lot of social thinking skills, sharing, and turn-taking. Take the opportunity and designate at least one night of the week as a game night with your family. There are plenty of good games you can buy that target critical social-emotional learning skills. However, you may already have some that actually require a lot of social thinking skills. Games such as Apples to Apples (the way better and cleaner version of the game Cards Against Humanity) requires perspective-taking skills. It is a game in which players take turns being the judge. The judge gives a one-word prompt, and players have to pick from a set of cards in their hand which one best matches the prompt based on who is judging each round. Players have to think about what they know about the judge to predict how they will react and choose their favorite answer. It requires turn-taking and encourages asking for clarification, accepting/rejecting an idea, and accepting rejection. Choose games that involve communicating, sharing, and turn-taking. Talk your child through the steps of tolerating frustration and rejection. A child that can learn to lose gracefully will be a lifelong winner.

Perhaps as beneficial as play, reading is a great way to teach children about different social situations, empathy, and social problem-solving skills. Reading is known to improve focus and concentration in academics. That same focus is also essential to social interaction. Children are not born with the ability to feel empathy. They learn this skill through social interaction with family, friends, and society. Some research has shown that reading fiction can increase empathy by putting the reader inside the mind of another person. It allows the reader to feel what the character feels and understand their thoughts and emotions. Reading immerses children in every emotion, triumph, and adversity of their favorite characters. In addition to learning empathy, books provide examples of situations and social interactions that teach effective – and ineffective – ways to handle conflict. It allows children to experience a range of moods and emotions in an environment that allows for space and time to think about how they might react in a similar situation. Start a family book club and talk about characters, what they felt and how their actions affect other characters in the story. Talk about different social situations and encourage your child to share how they might react similarly or differently.

You may be surprised to hear that television-when used correctly-can also be a great tool to help children understand emotions and behaviors. Explaining sarcasm, irony, and humor may be difficult for them to grasp, and understanding social cues take practice for kids. Using television is a fun way to observe social interactions that are often exaggerated to make a point. Actively watch a show with your child and point out social cues and appropriate behavior. Practice how they read and respond to other people and explore these interactions. Discuss empathy and talk about how they might feel if faced with a similar situation. Children that learn to associate certain words with emotions can use those words to express their own feelings. This transition from interpreting feelings to talking about feelings can help them communicate effectively and avoid acting out in frustration. Television can be a tool that helps children and adolescents better understand themselves and others. Watching an age-appropriate show that your child loves is a great way to encourage the learning and the internalization of social skills so they can apply them in real-life situations.

Find ways to stay connected. It is important that even when physically apart (for whatever reason) from each other, kids stay in contact with friends. Virtual play dates and social bubbles are a great way to get together for some good bonding time. Streaming platforms even allow for watch parties, a new way for people to watch movies or shows together in real-time. Another great way to stay connected with friends and family is to write handwritten letters. When we write handwritten notes, we are writing with a very specific reader in mind. It is a more deliberate way to demonstrate social skills through written communication. Research says writing and receiving letters can also make you happier! Steve Toepfer, associate professor in Human Development and Family Studies at Kent State University, created an assignment in his Building Family Strength class intended to show his students that being kind to others has psychological benefits. He decided to measure these benefits in a pilot study where participants wrote letters to determine if there are benefits in terms of well-being for the authors of the letters. The study examined the effects of writing letters on three primary qualities of well-being: happiness (positive affect), life satisfaction (cognitive evaluation), and depression (negative affect). Toepher says by making a habit of writing thoughtful letters, “you’ll feel happier, you’ll feel more satisfied, and if you’re suffering from depressive symptoms, your symptoms will decrease.” Not only does writing letters keep children connected and happy, but it also teaches them to collect their thoughts, follow instructions, and use manners. In the age of technology, it also gives them a chance to practice and develop the mechanics of writing a letter and addressing an envelope.

Finally, the best way to help your child with their social skills is to examine your own. Children first learn to make friends, handle conflict, and react to difficult situations by watching you. How do you make friends? How do you handle conflicts? Not all kids like socializing and that can be a matter of personality. Some children also feel anxious in social situations and would rather play quietly by themselves. It is important to understand that kids develop social skills at different rates and mature at their own pace in various phases of growth: physical, emotional, social, intellectual, and ethical or moral. Because a child might mature in one area, one cannot expect them to be mature in other or all areas. Unrealistic expectations can lead to lowered self-esteem and frustration for the children. Social maturity (a level of behavior following the social standards that are the norm for individuals of a particular age) is something that children acquire over time as they learn skills and develop the capacity to deal with the complexities of life. There are many ways to help improve social skills but if your child is struggling, talk to your pediatrician. While it may just take a little more effort and reinforcement, a lack of social skills can also be a sign to heed.