The Relationship Handbook by School of Modern Psychology

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“Assumptions are the termites of relationships.” — Henry Winkler

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Contents Let’s Start With You Our Patterns Of Being Withering or Flourishing Who Else Is In Here? Sometimes Words Aren’t Enough An Invitation

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“Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within.” — James Baldwin

Relationships can be like oranges - suck the juice out of them and all you’re left with are the pips and a lifeless skin of what was. Regardless of whether the relationship is with a life partner, a parent, child, friend or colleague - a relationship that promises something juicy and delivers sourness can end up rotting at the bottom of the fruit bowl before realising there’s nothing left to it but a soggy moldy mess. Been there, done that. What you’re about to read in this handbook is a way of looking at relationships from a different perspective. The good thing is that there’s no more pithy orange-sucking puns to come, plus you won’t be hearing how to have a dynamic love life or how to patch up problems with duct-tape. It won’t provide ‘advice’ or give you 5-steps to a more successful relationship.

Let’s start with ‘you’ By starting with ourselves we can discover a more complete picture of how we show up, what “rules” we’ve chosen to follow (often as part of our cultural upbringing) and what we want to receive in return from a relationship. When we start with ‘self,’ we can gain an awareness around what it means to be in relationship with ourselves. This may be an eye-opener for some, and for others offer a deeper way to consider the ‘I’ that may want a richer and more fulfilling relationship with others. This is an invitation to dive into a deeper perspective ... let’s get started.

It will, however, ask you to consider who you are as a ‘relational being’ (and what that means) and ask you to consider how you are turning up in your relationship. You’ll be asked to think through your expectations, your hopes and your dreams and to consider those of ‘another’ - whether that is a friend, partner, lover, work colleague, parent or child. It’s about discovery. It’s about you. Author’s Note: I do not pretend to know all about relationships, only to share a journey beside you. Barbara Grace

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Our Patterns of Being I worked with someone recently who found herself repeating patterns in her life that were leaving her feeling stuck. Her relationships were only one aspect of these patterns. The see-saws and merry-go-rounds simply a playground for adult games that were going nowhere and had lost their lustre. Making similar choices repeatedly had brought her to a point of wanting to explore the pattern to see what need she may be trying to meet. We spent time mapping some core themes, exploring moments as ‘keys’ to patterned ways of showing up in her life that were born from unmet needs.

At times like this it can be hard to stand back and look past the emotions to find the grains of truth - even harder to swallow them.

starting out on life’s love journey. The patterns formed in mature relationships can also benefit from a review as needs and values change depending on which life stage we’re in, the experiences we’ve had and the future hopes and dreams that are still to unfold. In many ways relationships can be described as a trilogy - a series of three stories linked through time by people changing according to the place they find themselves in, the people surrounding them and the pressing needs of the moment. Whether the relationship you’re thinking about at this moment is with a parent, grandparent, friend, partner, sibling or child - the delicate balance of ‘expectations’ will display patterns of being that can either be healthy or not depending on the forces at play. Consider a time, for example, when roles become reversed and the child steps up and ‘parents’ an unwell or ageing adult. Times of transition can ruffle the smoothest feathers as the unsaid ‘rules’ of relationships fight a duel, and events that play out don’t feel as if they’re on a level field.

Yet these ‘patterns’ aren’t only found in ‘new’ relationships or young people

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“The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.” – Carl Jung

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Why do some relationships wither and others flourish? I love visiting wineries, and where I live I’m surrounded by over 100 vineyards. During winter the vines seem as tortured stumps, remnants of a battle-scarred winter. It’s hard to believe that the fresh shoots that flourish in Spring will bring such an abundance of fruit that will mature into the Cabernet I enjoy so much. But sometimes, despite the best of efforts by those who tender the vines, diseases appear and pests or foul weather take their toll. It happens. And so in our own lives stems that aren’t fruiting or maturing in a timely way also need deep pruning. Yes, this is an analogy for relationships. And it’s only in taking time to reflect and listen - particularly to those internal sounds that either rumble of restlessness or sing with joy (and everything inbetween) that the nutrients supporting a relationship can be adjusted - just like the soil’s ph balance.

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Who Else Is In Here? Apart from the ‘I’ that’s in a relationship, the ‘other’ has a voice that may be unheard because our focus is solely on our own needs, wants and desires. It’s natural for our ‘ego’ to rise up while finding our way, it’s unnatural for it to rule our lives because we’ve failed to mature and see beyond the needs of ‘self ’. To step back and consider the needs and values of another is an invitation to observe and notice the ‘unsaid’, the unexpressed voice of ‘what if ’. It’s an opportunity to see ‘self ’ from a different perspective, one we may never have considered before. Not one of us can rewrite the past, yet each of us can alter the meaning we give to it. We can let sour memories go or carry them along, allowing them to weigh us down at every turn. Each of us faces our own ‘truth’ - our own version of events that supports our story or justifies how we feel. And it’s this selfjustification that can be standing in the way of seeing what’s missing and hearing another version of events that we may find challenging or confronting. Our relationships are part of our life story, be they either good or bad, eventful or empty, sad or joyous. The wonderful thing though, is that we can ‘author’ them, direct them and choose the character we want to be within this framework. We can turn up to be the best version of ourselves - so much so that generational patterns of neglect, abuse or lovelessness which may have been in our past can be changed by us calling a ‘pause’ and consciously making a choice to choose another ending. This happens when we’re ready to be the relational partner that gives and receives with love, hope and charity in our heart. While this sounds lofty, few will embrace this, as the age-old story of confronting that which may be painful is swept under the bed or hidden in ‘another busy day’.

“You don’t develop courage by being happy in your relationships everyday. You develop it by surviving difficult times and challenging adversity.” — Epicurus

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I’m imagining at this point that you may be wondering about your own relationships, and perhaps who the ‘you’ is that turns up day in and day out. Perhaps it is as a fully mature person rich with internal knowings about yourself and the ‘other’ you’re in relationship with. Or perhaps it is as one still searching for the identity to be brave enough to live, feel and act the way you want. Only you know. At times you may feel at ‘one’ with your relationship (and yourself) and at others as if the storm you’ve found yourself in is ever going to end. If we consider a relationship as a mirror to ourselves, then we may see ourselves in a very different light. Perhaps from this perspective when seeing ‘another’ we may gain a glimpse of our own self-frailty masquerading as confidence. But what if we see beyond the ‘I’ and ‘other’ and consider the ‘relationship’ that’s formed as an entity unto itself. Imagine it as a ‘thing’ birthed as a result of two people coming together to form this ‘relationship’. If we can pause our usual way of thinking, seeing and hearing ourselves talk about ‘what we need’, holding just long enough to consider what this ‘thing’ need might to sustain itself or even thrive we give ourselves a chance to alter the energy, the intercourse and the love held within that expression. This energy force is created as a result of the love, friendship or bonds apparent, and in this moment it becomes a choice to either starve its oxygen or revive it by taking time to court it in a different way.

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“The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.” — Thomas Merton www.schoolofmodernpsychology.com.au

It’s an interesting thought. And this is a notion worth dancing with because it presupposes that something more is possible, that the relationship has a ‘soul’ and that if the ‘I’ and the ‘other’ who dance together can bring life to this entity, then perhaps it will sustain ‘I’ and ‘other’ in return, nurturing the journey together.

The question is, how to do this. Starve a person and their physical wellbeing suffers. Starve a relationship and its edges disintegrate until what’s left is a shadow that can easily slip out the door while no one watches or cares. It’s the trusty bank account philosophy - withdraw more than you put in and it won’t be long before things close down. Relationships are fed with one key ingredient: the ability to be still and in this space: listen deeply. It’s one of the easiest things to say: “I’m listening”, yet it seems the most difficult of tasks because distraction and self-absorption are never far away. It’s in discovering how to listen to another with our whole mind, body and spirit - and not pre-plan a retort, a come-back or an anecdote to one-up the story, that a relationship’s heartbeat has the chance to speak so that each one’s needs may be voiced, acknowledged and hopefully met. Listening holistically means attuning to the smallest details and being so absorbed that our natural curiosity comes alive. The focus shifts from ‘what do I think about this’ to ‘tell me more’ - forging a desire to engage and connect at a more deeply felt level. It’s an art that can be learnt. It’s a craft that can be practiced.

“The greatest compliment that was ever paid me was when someone asked me what I thought, and attended to my answer.” — Henry David Thoreau

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Sometimes words aren’t enough As a child forms in a mother’s womb, an embryonic being feels held and fed from within. The nutrients pass naturally from mother to child when all is well. A sense of bonding forms without words that relies on a felt sense, a growing awareness within of who this being may become and the relationship that will emerge between them. In coming to know a ‘relationship’, a space emerges where the joining of two people’s needs meet in a place where words aren’t needed. A child senses its mother and a mother senses her child’s needs (under healthy circumstances). These ‘felt senses’ can be seen as less important once language comes into play because our culture is linguistically based. We make sense of what we experience through words. Yet words rarely express the deeply felt emotions that don’t necessarily conform to ‘linguistic’ rules, instead responding - sometimes at lightning speed - to perceived wrongs and crushed feelings through anger, silence or abandonment. In the words of Joni Mitchell, “We need to get back to the garden”. We need to get back in touch with our ‘unsaid’ and experience ‘relationship’ from a different and perhaps more embryonic sense. My work shows me time and time again that the more we can tap into an intuitive knowing, the greater chance we have to make meaning of what is often deeply felt, yet usually buried as ‘too hard’. The best way I know to tap into this sensitive place is with my hands for it is here that my ‘know-it-all’ mind can be by-passed and an internal awareness grow. Here, is found a deep well of rich discoveries.

I invite you to think of a relationship that’s important to you. To picture the person, to hear the voice, feel the touch, see the smile and to wonder who this person may be below the level that he or she shows to the world - or even shows to you. I wonder if you can. I wonder if any of us can. Yet, without going to this place, without putting ourselves in the ‘other’s’ shoes how can a relationship form into a mature one where not only our needs are met, but those of the ‘other’, the one we care enough about to spend time thinking of. Our needs can have a voice if we choose to listen. Our needs can have a way of weaving themselves into our lives and creating havoc if we don’t. Our needs are part of us and it is in inquiring into them and engaging with them that it’s possible to discover how they serve the highest version of ‘I’. Some needs may be selfish, or perhaps present because at the core they feel as if abandoned, never met or not acknowledged and it’s in coming to understand how we can find a place to sit with these ‘needs’ that we can soothe, comfort and in our own way find a path ‘back to the garden’.

“We are afraid to care too much, for fear that the other person does not care at all.” — Eleanor Roosevelt

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While we ‘stay in our heads’ and aim to cram ‘understanding’ into our minds through words whether written or spoken - the act of creating can express that which words cannot reach. When our hands can connect with our heart and soul and express emotions that may well up as tears, joy or an inner sense of awareness, then we know that a deeper level of connection is happening. And it is from this place that we have the chance to know what may have been once hidden. Coming to this place can be playful, it can be light, it can be enlightening. Coming to this place can also bring up memories and associations that arise because it is time to deal with them.

An Invitation If this space calls you, then I ask you to be guided by what this inuitive and insightful self desires to be known - and if in this space you feel willing to explore how touching into your natural curiosity and creativity would be, then I invite you to join me on a journey of exploration and discovery into the most important relationships in your life. If as you’re reading this you find something stirring within, then join me for a special webinar where we go a little deeper into how to connect more creatively and intuitively so that our relationships can flourish and be as rich and loving as we desire. Receive A FREE training to accompany this handbook: “How to Create Meaningful Relationships That Last” © School of Modern Psychology

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“The way to love anything is to realise that it may be lost.” — Gilbert K. Chesterton

Join me for a complimentary webinar where we’ll further explore how to be more relational and navigate the territory of ‘being present’ using creative tools. — Barbara Grace

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