The feline perspective

This Cougar is built differently. Very differently. Built... dumber.

I’m not talking about a 40-year-old woman with a room temperature IQ. I’m talking about a cat — a black shorthair tabby with a thirst for adventure.

Why am I writing about a cat when there are millions of vastly more interesting humans out there? Well, there’s a false premise in that question; humans are boring.

In general, humans do not get stuck on the roof. And should a human get stuck on the roof, they usually have the brain capacity to signal for help or try to get down on their own.

Cougar, however, does not. This is because Cougar is simply built differently. To reiterate, he is built dumber.

When he escapes to the roof, it isn’t with the precision and foresight of a well-planned CIA mission. Instead, his only two brain cells go into overdrive to recognize that there is a window open, and he can jump out of it to go outside.

Once he’s on the roof, he no longer knows what to do. That level of planning requires at least three brain cells, but he only has two. So he just stands there, letting his mind recharge. A couple of hours later, he sees his owners and realizes he wants to get down.

But he’s stuck. Now, he’s presented with two options to get down: the grill and the trampoline. The grill is less of a drop but has a harder landing. The trampoline, however, provides a gentler landing but is a further drop. Cougar starts to weigh the options, pacing back and forth.

He’s made his decision. He looks his owner in the eyes and jumps onto the grill. He lands with the elegance of a toddler on stilts, slipping off the grill. He sprints into the safety of the house. He’s learned nothing and will repeat this same adventure someday. He’s learned nothing because he is built differently. Built dumber.

Months later, Cougar still regularly jumps onto the roof. The only difference now is that he has figured out how to get down on his own without any coaxing from his owners. He has made some progress: he now jumps onto the trampoline… when it is covered in catnip.

ANIKA mARINo

JAcK HANSEN

REbEccA voN tERScH