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A P R I L 1, 2020
SPECIAL APRIL FOOLS’ EDITION F E AT U R E S • N E W S • S P O R T S • A R T S & E N T E R TA I N M E N T • O P I N I O N • M E T R O D E S K • H U M O R • M U LT I M E D I A
Say “Salvete” to New Latin Exchange Students ANCIENT ROME—As Spring Break comes to an end, the Seven Hills community is excited to announce the arrival of Latin exchange students from Ancient Rome. This exchange was made possible by new timetravel technology; students go back in time to retrieve the Romans. The latin students described this chance to meet Romans their age as “the opportunity of a lifetime.” “I can’t believe this is finally happening, and I can’t wait to immerse myself in the Roman culture,” said Upper School Latin teacher Katie Swinford. “Every day, my students inspire me to go above and beyond the curriculum, so I thought that having exchange students from Ancient Rome would be a great experience. This event required lots of
By Abigail Li
planning in advance, but the hard work has paid off. Students can finally witness the daily life of a typical Roman.” Freshman and Latin student Erin Finn has taken a profound interest in hosting and assisting a Latin exchange student. “I’m so thrilled! Talking with a fellow Latin enthusiast will be the highlight of my month!” said Finn. Others are excited to host and get to know their new Roman friends, too. They are grateful to have the opportunity to be immersed in their language’s culture- like the Spanish, French, and Chinese classes. Students from both sides of the exchange are looking forward to bonding over their knowledge of Latin before the Romans must time travel back to their homes in Ancient Rome.
Students receive awards for hosting the Latin exchange students.
CONFORM TO THE UNIFORM
FROM BORED TO BOARD
Many students enjoy the amenities of the Upper School such as free bells, the new commons, and being able to wear whatever one wants. However, within the next year, the dress code policy is about to change . . . . . By Anna Papakirk
Head of School Chris Garten has informed parents, faculty, and the American Boarding School Society (ABSS) that Seven Hills will now be a boarding school . . . . . .
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By Ainsley Hubert
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TSHS CIVIL WAR: T TOT T T T VS. TBT TCITN
The Lotspeich and Doherty conflict reached a climax on March 4, 2020, when Doherty announced its plans to secede from The Seven Hills School . . . . . . . By Adam Chen
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Watch Out: Gordon Ramsay is coming to Seven Hills! Gordon Ramsay, a celebrity chef, is joining the Seven Hills Cafeteria Staff this April. Ramsay is leaving his FOX position to come to Cincinnati and join the Seven Hills community. Most recently a judge on the show Master Chef, Ramsay’s shows have aired in over 200 countries. “It was a hard decision, but I decided to take my culinary skills to the Queen City for new experiences and new roles,” said Ramsay at a press conference. This decision by Ramsay has left millions around the world devastated that they cannot watch Ramsay scream (and cuss) at chefs anymore. “I’ve always wanted to work at the Seven Hills cafeteria, and I feel my culinary expertise is finally at a Seven Hills excellence level,” said Ramsay. Head Chef Jimmy Gherardi is very excited to start working with Gordon Ramsay. “I’ve always watched Gordon on TV, and I’m excited to finally meet him in person.
The Stashed Cash
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By Jack Ringel
I hope he doesn’t yell at the chefs as he does on TV,” said Gherardi. With Ramsay, Seven Hills is hoping to incorporate new food into the school cafeteria menu. The meals include filet mignon, salmon boats, lobster, caviar, and crème brûlée for dessert. The food prices will increase, but Seven Hills believes this is a necessary sacrifice for top-notch food. The two cafeteria lines will converge to form one long line, so the students can all see Chef Jimmy and Ramsay cooking food. Seven Hills will be taking away all packaged food, and everything will be homemade. The Seven Hills Cafeteria is hoping to become a “fivestar cafeteria” with Ramsay’s help.
By Mia Lutz
David Brott, Dean of Students at the Seven Hills Upper School, said he has a new investment plan that seems to be working well. “I find around $200 a week in the Upper School,” said Brott. “I feel like I am entitled to the money because I am always the one finding it. The universe just wants me to become a billionaire.” In just a few months, Brott has accumulated more than $1,000 from found treasure. Since he started his hallway search between library couch cushions and under desks in study hall a year ago, he has amassed a total of $10,000.
“I’VE ALWAYS WANTED TO WORK AT THE SEVEN HILLS CAFETERIA, AND I FEEL MY CULINARY EXPERTISE IS FINALLY AT A SEVEN HILLS EXCELLENCE LEVEL.” -Gordon Ramsay, celebrity chef
Hopping from One Mascot to Another
By Ariane Briquet
Seven Hills has made many changes this year like new buildings, bell tones, and food, but the most recent change is one that everyone will be buzzing about: the new mascot.
“With all this money, I will become a billionaire in no time,” said Brott.
Administration has announced to faculty and students that the mascot would change from the stinger bee to something completely different.
Students said they find it unfair that Brott filches his campus finds. One student described his actions as “unlawful.” Some claimed they see Brott with stacks of money by the Simpson head vase in his office, and they say he wears a gold chain necklace, sunglasses, and a hat to school each day. Most believe that Brott will never be the same because of his newfound cash and status. Some say his life is changed forever.
The reasoning behind this change is that Head of School Chris Garten thought that the “stinger bee” is “too intimidating, aggressive, and doesn’t fully represent our school in the light that we want it to.” And what is this new mascot you ask? The official Seven Hills mascot will
now be a baby bunny. The administration decided that this would be a better fit for school because it is less intimidating than the stinger bee. They still have not made a decision concerning the official school colors but will let students know when the final decision is made. Get ready to go carrots for your Seven Hills’ Baby Bunnies!
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C O N FO R M TO T H E U NI FO RM By Anna Papakirk
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any students enjoy the amenities of the Upper School such as free bells, the revamped
commons, and being able to wear whatever one wants. However, within the next year, the dress code policy is about to change as the school implements uniforms for Upper School students. After many discussions and meetings, the Upper School faculty and administration came to the conclusion that the high school would be a much better environment if all students wore the same uniform. Dean of Students David Brott said, “I think this new uniform will be great for the Upper School. The uniforms will look very sharp, and I won’t have to dress code students anymore.” The school has been working to make the Upper School a close-knit community where everyone feels welcome, and they believe this new uniform will be the perfect solution. While the faculty believes this is a great idea, students said they are not so sure they are ready to ditch their comfy sweatpants and hoodies or fashionable jeans and sweaters for a stiff uniform. “I don’t know what to think about getting uniforms,” said freshman Charlotte Lafley. “It will be nice to wake up in the morning and not have to worry about what I’m going to wear, but on the down side, I won’t be
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Stinger Style: A Sartorial Guide to Seven Hills
By David Kiley
Air Force 1’s- An urban staple. Proceed with caution or else you might scuff the shoe. If you’re going to get them, make sure it’s a blinding shade of white. Seriously, the only thing whiter than the shoes is the cast of Friends.
Hydro Flasks- They keep things warm or cold, supposedly. Keep them away from light gusts of wind since they dent faster than a car in the student parking lot. But hey, they can keep a PSL warm for hours. Basic rhymes with classic. Almost.
Vineyard Vines tee- Nothing says style like an oversized, anthropomorphized whale yielding a lacrosse stick. It’s called fashion. Who doesn’t want to dress for Martha’s Vineyard in 30-degree Cincinnati weather. Honestly, salmon is the new black.
iPhone 11- Finally, three cameras to fully capture your black-screen snaps.
Patagonia fleeces- Ranging from plain colors to patterns that resemble the carpet of a bowling alley, the choices are endless.
Doc Martens- So rebellious. Find them at your local Nordstrom. “Vineyard Vines is my go-to since it’s always within the dress code!” said Upper School Dean of Students David Brott.
Lanyards- You know what they say, dress for success. These logo-emblazoned necklaces will—quite literally—open doors for you. Head of the Upper School Matt Bolton offered free style advice when he said, “All students must wear their lanyards.” Heed Bolton’s advice and pick up this year-round accessory from the Tech Office. Bucket hats- Perfect for those impromptu fire drills in the rain. AirPod Pro’s- Ah yes, the penetrating sound of Mrs. Bloom kicking people out of the library. With active noise cancellation, it will practically sound like the commons. A parka- You know which classrooms you need this for. Make sure the insulating properties are nothing short of magical. Lululemon Leggings- Perfect for those mornings when you don’t have time to change in between your Pilates class and first block. Pants? Never heard of them. Comfort is king.
able to express myself through my clothes.” The school hopes to implement the new uniforms, which will consist of white oxford button downs, navy pants, and skirts by the 2020-21 school year.
FROM BORED TO BOARD
Nerf or Nothing By Ella Dubay
Throughout his teaching career, Upper School science teacher Bryce Carlson secretly squirreled away nerf guns in his office desk without anyone’s knowledge. “These nerf guns,” said Carlson, “are gifts of knowledge used to gain the attention of distracted students.” While in class, Carlson grabs the nerf guns out of his desk and
The administrative board caught wind of these incidents and entered Carlson into a marksmanship competition. Carlson is now training to be the most elite nerf gun player in the world. His stiff competition is Team Nerf- a group of 8-year-old boys. Carlson has decided to make the nerf game his new world record target. Freshman Sanna Ghatora described the situation and
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ead of School Chris Garten has informed parents, faculty, and the American Boarding
School Society (ABSS) that Seven Hills will now be a boarding school. Garten has finally taken the action to “recruit” natural talent for sports to elevate the schools’ athletics. School administration released a memo that stated, “We made this decision because we think that our school should be much smaller and have better sports teams in a more diverse environment. By cutting the size of the school down, everyone who has a grade point average (GPA) lower than 3.4 will be asked to leave the school as they will no longer meet the requirements of our new boarding school.” The school will start building dorms by the lower soccer fields and students will be required to live there throughout the school year.
pelts unsuspecting students. With bins of nerf bullets stored nearby, Carlson has an unlimited amount of targets. His innocent students fear the tiny but mighty force of his nerf guns.
said, “While we were taking notes on the theory of evolution, Dr. Carlson ended the lesson and began his training. I forgot to duck, and the foam tapped me on the shoulder.”
“This way of teaching allows students to be punished for their bad behavior and it is one of my favorite methods of teaching,” said Carlson.
“It’s Nerf or nothing,” said Carlson.
This is big for the ABSS because Seven Hills is known to have great students and an amazing community. Student opinion is very mixed concerning the
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decision. Some are very happy because the school will be shrinking in size, and all of their classmates will be active in class activities. “The sports teams will be good, and it will be so much easier for me to come and support” said freshman Anna Papakirk. In other news, another major change will come with the reinvention of the cafeteria. This will be the biggest project for the upcoming school year, beside the new dorm buildings that will house students. The administration plans to build an in-school restaurant for students. Seven Hills will be an entirely new environment next year, and many are very excited for the change.
You can follow Carlsons’ story on his Instagram account @Non.Expanding.Recreational.Foam.Champion
“Dr. Dunk’Connor” By Grace Copfer
Our beloved, ballin’ history teacher, Eric O’Connor has risen through the ranks of national basketball. Time after time, he has proven to the Seven Hills community, through faculty vs. student basketball games, that he can shoot a few hoops. O’Connor said, “I enjoy basketball a lot. It’s a hobby of mine outside of school. I play with a few friends in a recreational league on the weekends. Many students do not realize that teachers have lives and passions outside of the classroom.” Last year, the famed student-teacher game was held on April 26, 2019 in the Kalnow gym. The livestream by the Sports Broadcasting Club gave the public what they always wanted—O’Connor dribbling up and down the court in all black with contrasting white basketball shoes. The score did not reflect his efforts, however, as it ended 35-23, students taking the win. His hops and charisma displayed on the court afforded him fame and unforeseen opportunities. O’Connor will be a part of the National Basketball Association draft. He is ranked 22nd in the 2020 NBA Draft Prospects Rankings.
Scouts from the Boston Celtics and New Orleans Pelicans saw his game on YouTube. Advanced Scouting Manager for the New Orleans Pelicans, Jason Brown said, “His maneuverability and quick thinking caught my attention. Plus, his fan’s passion for him, signs and all, are great too.” Director of Scouting for the Boston Celtics, David Lewin said, “I’m excited to see where this goes. We’ve never had a player come from this background.” Now O’Connor may have to make a difficult choice— stay at The Seven Hills School or play in the NBA. If he were drafted, he would be pursuing one of his lifelong dreams. But, he is currently more than content teaching his academic courses here at Seven Hills. The Seven Hills community patiently waits to see what will occur. Head of School Chris Garten said, “I am thrilled that he has the opportunity. We will wish him well if he gets drafted but will also greatly miss all that he brings to the Seven Hills community.” The NBA draft will be held at the Barclays Center in Brooklyn, New York on June 25.
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The Seven Hills School Civil War: TTOTTTT vs. TBTTCITN By Adam Chen
Since the merger in 1974, a constant fire has raged on between Lotspeich and Doherty throughout the post-Lower School years. The conflict reached a climax on March 4, 2020, when Doherty announced its plans to secede from The Seven Hills School. The tension between the schools has built up for years over a single tradition: the Turkey Tango. Lotspeich second-graders participate in the Turkey Tango every Thanksgiving, but no Doherty students are allowed to participate in the festivities. After Head of School Chris Garten denied the Doherty students from participating in the Turkey Tango, a group formed— The Teachers of the Turkey Tango Troops (TTOTTTT). TTOTTTT recently held a
meeting to discuss the predicament. It was unanimously decided that Doherty would separate from The Seven Hills School to create The Doherty Academy. In a letter to Garten, the organization said, “We are tired of the years of Turkey Tango-related bullying and oppression from the TTOTTTT. Therefore, Doherty and its fans will separate from The Seven Hills School to create an even better Turkey Tango tradition that includes swimming like turkeys in the Ohio River, eating like turkeys, and flying like turkeys to win the best Turkey Tango celebration in the nation.” The group then formed the TBTTCITN (The Best Turkey Tango Celebration in the Nation).
The Doherty Academy will be a K-12 school. Any middle or upper schooler who did not go to Lotspeich fulfills the requirements to attend the new academy. Senior and Doherty Student Kevin Wang commented, “I am really happy that Doherty separated. It is very clear that we are superior. We have been carrying the Upper School in academics and athletics, and we are much better at dancing the Turkey Tango.” Senior and Lotspeich student Ethan Rising disagreed. “Seven Hills is definitely better without them. They were not even raised and taught on the same campus. I can’t wait to beat them in every sport—and every tango.”
“I AM REALLY HAPPY THAT DOHERTY SEPARATED. IT IS VERY CLEAR THAT WE ARE SUPERIOR. WE HAVE BEEN CARRYING THE UPPER SCHOOL IN ACADEMICS AND ATHLETICS, AND WE ARE MUCH BETTER AT DANCING THE TURKEY TANGO.” -Senior and Doherty Student Kevin Wang
Mind Over Matter: Seven Hills to use
360 TO FOUR 90S By Olivia Bell
Neuro-transceivers for Online Learning By Chase Young
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REAKING NEWS! Seven Hills’ own Chef
Before spring break, dozens of Seven Hills teachers and administrative staff were crammed into the Knust Conference room to lay out the plan for a Schoologybased distance education-system.
the iconic circle pizza that Seven Hills students know and love.
However, some students have their concerns. “Schoology crashes when doing quizzes. Now, it’s going to handle a 20-person videoconference?” asked freshman Henry Paull. Seven Hills Canvass has obtained records showing a potential backup plan, in which the school placed a standing order for 300+ neuro-transceivers via Ali Express. Neuro-transceivers are a way to form direct neural links between students, enabling telepathic communication. As long as students have the receivers implanted in their spinal columns, they will be part of a shared neural network, referred to by critics as a “hive-mind.” When confronted, Upper School math teacher Melissa Khoo said, “Schoology sometimes has issues.” “A hive-mind might sound scary, but when one really thinks about it, class discussion would be aided by instant passing of thoughts.” Some have noted the connection to the school’s mascot, the Stinger Bee. Others have praised the approach for solving the issue of students multitasking during online classes.
Jimmy Gherardi has changed the design of
After years of testing out designs and toppings, Gherardi has made the life-changing decision to officially change the shape of the circle pizza to a square. Starting April 1, Gherardi will discontinue the “There’s not going to be a way to have Netflix open in one tab and Schoology open on the other. If you’re thinking about it, everyone in the class would hear it,” added Khoo. Not all teachers are a fan of the program. Some have expressed potential concerns that students would be able to cheat on tests using the technology.
cafeteria’s circle pizza and begin a new Seven Hills
Students seem to approve of the program, but some worry about the Seven Hills Tech Office’s ability to handle it. “If Wi-Fi is such an issue for them, how are they going to handle spinal implants?,” asked Paull.
the topping selection. The original Seven Hills
tradition, square pizza. It will include two new toppings, fresh ingredients, and a lower price. Not only will the shape be changing, but also pizza is known for its classic toppings: cheese and pepperoni. However, the new square pizza includes various toppings such as Hawaiian and BBQ. Chef Jimmy is excited about the change and is working hard to make the new pizza perfect for Seven Hills
There’s Something Fishy in Center Field By Will Wiles With baseball season right around the corner, senior captains Egan Dewitt and Spencer Boyd have decided they will use cameras in center field to steal opposing teams’ signs. They explained that it would greatly help with timing the pitches as that was something the team struggled with the previous year. Dewitt said, “If a team in Major League Baseball was using cameras to
win, why wouldn’t we be allowed to?” After the Astros were caught cheating with cameras in the past month, the team decided it would be the perfect time to install cameras as nobody would expect it.
H O Tcircle O pizza, our new students. “Unlike ourP beloved square pizza will also be made from scratch for a newer, fresher taste,” Gherardi said. Gherardi has high hopes for a positive response from consumers. “Due to the demand and response of the student body, we have made the square pizza cheaper to appeal to the Seven Hills community,”
Boyd said, “I’d love to have cameras in center field because it would give us a better chance to beat the teams that previously beat us because of their unbelievable pitching.”
he said.
Seven Hills is the team favored to win the Grey Division of the Miami Valley Conference. The cameras would help the team secure the conference and eliminate any other team in the division. Boyd also said, “I don’t know if Coach Randy Russell would approve of the idea of the cameras but we would for sure impress him with our hitting ability if we did it behind his back.”
is looking forward to trying the new pizza. “Pizza
So far, the student body has had an overwhelmingly positive response to the change. Senior Chase Young hut is square sometimes, therefore I’m excited,” he said.
This would be a great addition for the baseball team and could help them win a lot of games. “If the Astros could get away with it at the biggest stage in baseball, so can we,” said Dewitt.
“IF THE ASTROS COULD GET AWAY WITH IT AT THE BIGGEST STAGE IN BASEBALL, SO CAN WE.” -Senior Captain Egan Dewitt
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Fencing Coming to Seven Hills
By Tauriel Duan
Associate Athletic Director Brandon Williams to keep him company. Johnson is considering living in the field house because of its style, warmth, and strong Wi-Fi connection. Students will receive an email with the link to register for the team online. Students must have their own fencing gear to join.
By popular demand, Seven Hills will include fencing as a spring sport next year. Upper School English Teacher Marielle Newton and her AP Literature class prompted the decision. After reading a timed-writing
passage about fencing, students were so excited that they convinced the school to add it as a sport. Thomas Johnson, the new fencing coach, will be working in the field house with
CLASSIFIEDS W A N T E D - The Seven Hills WiFi saboteur. There have been reports of a man severing the wires to the routers in the school. This won’t cut it any longer.
Johnson said he has confidence in the students. “After three months of training, I believe our fencing team can go to the Tokyo 2021 Olympics,” said Johnson. The date of this international trip has yet to be decided. “There will be a lunch meeting on April 2 in the study hall,” said Johnson. “Bring your own lunch, and we won’t provide cookies. Yeah, we hope to see everyone there.”
“AFTER THREE MONTHS OF TRAINING, I BELIEVE OUR FENCING TEAM CAN GO TO THE TOKYO 2021 OLYMPICS.” -Thomas Johnson, fencing coach
New Elective: “Tik Tok” Class
Do you ever wish you had a life size, detailed sculpture of your head? You will when you start online learning. The teacher won’t notice that it’s not you, and you can enjoy a third week of spring break.
By Biz Kohnen The Seven Hills School has recently announced the newest elective that will be offered to Upper School students—digital computer dance class. This exciting, new class will not only focus on teaching students how to use the app, Tik Tok, but will also help students become viral Tik Tok stars. Charli D’ Amelio, a very famous Tik Tok star, will lead the class alongside other viral stars like Addison Rae, LilHuddy, and Mark Anastio. These instructors will help hone students skills and be a vital resource for achieving Tik Tok fame. The key to success in this class is learning the dances and putting in the work outside of the classroom to perfect them.
The grading system will be based on a student’s ability to go viral and effort in producing quality content. Although based on a more subjective scale, pros like Charlie and her friends are wellversed in the dynamics of the Tik Tok world. The class will not have too much homework other than students having to learn the viral dance of the day or week and having to post a Tik Tok of the new dance on their account. Students said they are very excited about this new class and many underclassmen want to sign up for it. The elective does not have many slots open, so sign up for it on the course registration form as soon as possible!
Middle School Students Lose Mazunte Because of Lunch Line Cutting By Aana Shenai SEVEN HILLS CAFETERIA—After years of cutting the lunch lines, Seven Hills Middle School students will finally have to stand in line to wait for their food. For many years, Upper School students had to wait in lines that went out the door, while middle schoolers used their shorter stature to evade the 20 to 30-minute lines. However, a new policy put in place by the Upper School will take away the younger students’ abilities to buy catered food—a treasure that motivated many of them to cut in the first place. Because the Middle School and Upper School use the same cafeteria, lunchtime becomes a chaotic period. Catered food, like Currito, Delhi Palace, and Mazunte, are popular lunch options that often result in a bustling cafeteria—the perfect place for younger students to slip through the lines. After seeing the
Tired of the long, dreadful walk from the parking lots to the school? Fatigue no more with VALET PARKING. Just pull up to the Upper School with yourself and $7.
Middle School students cut lines almost every week, many Upper School students sent complaints to Seven Hills about the school’s lack of discipline for the Middle School. Junior Uma Shenai said, “It’s just not fair. Why should they be allowed to cut the lines when Upper School students can’t?” The Seven Hills School hopes to eradicate almost 70% of line-cutting with the new policy in just six months. Freshman Edie Tesfaye, who used to cut lunch lines herself, said, “I know what I did last year was wrong, now that I am in high school. I hope this new rule can teach younger students more responsibility and accountability for their actions—something I didn’t have last year.”
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ANNOUNCEMENT Student government has decided to make Funuary a year-round event. Say goodbye to extra help time, and say hello to Funu-April.
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Get your tickets for the first ever STUDENT VS. TEACHER football game! Tackle football, of course. The angst has been brought to the field for the event of a lifetime.
OK - So, Canvass is an ACTUAL student-run newspaper. Check out our TRUE stories at www.7hillscanvass.org!