Creative Development magazine

Adaptation: 21 Days Later.

BODY INTERVENTION

Challenging the constructed self

Bernice Puleng Mosala 14008742 CBC2 Copywriting Creative Development 2

Introduction

Over a period of twenty one days, we were asked to explore and document our personal responses and understanding of concepts and themes that evoked discomfort. Our natural state of being was thus challenged and a period of self-discovery was enforced.

By detaching ourselves from our natural conditions both emotionally and physically, we are providing ourselves with the opportunity to explore who we are beyond our comfort zones. This assignment exists to challenge ourselves, learn about who we are and discover why we are the way we are.

We were called to fully engage in this experience by conceptualizing and implementing one of the seven themes which include race, culture and religion, gender, sexuality and body politics, the other and the unfamiliar, physical discomfort, vices, communication and language and routines and rituals. We were asked to perform a personal body intervention over the course of seven days which comments critically on one of these seven themes.

Theme One: Race

Race is defined as a classification of humankind into various groups based on one’s ancestry, physical traits, genetics or social relations. It once referred to speakers of a common language or belonging to a common national affiliation. It currently refers to one’s physical taints. It genetically differentiates the human population. Groupings and social conceptions of race vary over time and classifications vary depending on the area. Race based on physical taints is problematic because taints are perceived and heritage often becomes an afterthought in today’s social context. Biological essentialism is considered obsolete amongst some scientists as explanations for collective differentiation based on behavioural and physical traits can easily become invalid.

Race does not dictate the way a person acts from a biological standpoint.

People learn behaviours from those around them regardless of their race.

Race can be conceptualized in many different ways but ultimately, all humans belong to the Homo sapien species. Due to its problematic nature, the term “race” has been replaced with other terms such as “ethnic groups,” “Populations,” “peoples” or “communities.” Race as a term is often emotionally charged due to the di-

viding history of the word (Anemone, 2011).

To me, one’s race defines the colour of one’s skin. It is a box that must be checked at home affairs in order to number and differentiate between various peoples. Although this is my understanding of race, it has always been problematic. I remember asking my mother at a very early age why she was white. She answered that she was not white, she was black. I later discovered that she was actually mixed race. The mixture of races makes the classification of race more difficult. There are large groups of people who don’t know what box to tick at home affairs. They view, “Mixed race,” as a derogatory term. My mother grew up in a time of racial division. Initially she existed among a community of coloureds but then moved into a community that was saturated by black people who constantly highlighted how different she was because of the colour of her skin.

She spent her life trying to prove that she was in fact black. Her family even changed their surname in order to seem more black as they feared exile.

I have never fit the stereotype of my race. Black people are loud, they are criminals, they eat chicken and they part of the lower

class. These are the things we are taught about black people through the media. I was never loud, I did not steal, I was vegetarian and I was middle class. I did not speak an African language and I sounded like a “white person,” so for the majority of my early life, I tried to erase my blackness. I was ashamed of my African name, I tried to prove that I was just as white as anyone else and I chemically straightened my hair to fit the white aesthetic.

I was always told that I was pretty for a black girl which insinuated that my brand of pretty was of a lower grade simply by being black.

According to my blood line, I am mixed race but my skin tone dictates to the world that I am black.

Race, although a form of human classification, is a tool of degradation and it ‘others’ numerous people who do not fit into societies stereotypes or classifications, (Mosala, 2017) “Taints are perceived and heritage often becomes an afterthought in today’s social context.”

Theme One: Culture

One’s culture refers to one’s knowledge and characteristics which belong to a particular group of people. It consists of one’s religion, language, social habits, cuisine, art and music. Culture is seen as the shared behavioural patterns, cognitive constructs, interactions and understand which is all learned through socialization.

Culture provides a group of individuals a sense of a shared identity. The word culture means “cultivation” or “to tend to the earth and grow.” The term hold the idea of fostering growth. Many counties, such as South Africa, are populated by immigrants which means that our culture is influenced by numerous groups of people that make up the fabric of our country.

A country grows in size, it often grows in diversity, (Livescience.com, 2017).

South Africa is a melting pot of cultures.

On heritage day, we often share from each others cultures and connect with one another by having a braai.

Western culture is seen at the culture of European countries which expanded due to colonisation and immigration. Influences of Western culture are apparent in almost every country in todays modern world. Western culture is comprised of a number of philosophic, artistic, literary influences, traditions and legal themes. It has been influenced by Christianity and many different heritage groups such as Jew-

ish, Latin, Germanic and Celtic groups.

Western though is largely attributed to rationalism which has been developed through humanism, Scholasticism, Hellenistic philosophy, Enlightenment and the Scientific Revolution. Western culture favours freethought, human rights, democracy and the need for equality. Modern day western culture is saturated by iconic images of Mc Donald, Facebook, Disney and Coca-Cola. It is a culture of consumerism, (Sciencedaily.com, 2017).

Personally, I know every little about my culture. My mother is a mixed race female who grew up in Zambia and my father is Soweto but my brothers and I grew up in a very detached environment. We did not speak to our family beyond our household and we did not learn to speak any language other than English. This created a dissociation between who I am and who I am culturally. I often say that I built my own culture which is based largely on art and spiritualism. In the 21st Century, many African people are becoming more Westernised which is frowned upon by traditionally African elders. Many black people who grow up with Western ideals are being told that they act “white,” when the reality is that they were just taught Western ideals and their lifestyles Westernised, (Mosala, 2017).

Task C: Culture.

I went to Yume which is an Asian fusion restaurant. I don’t typically eat Chinese food but I ate thin rice noodles with vegetables in a traditional Chinese sauce which comprised of sweet and sour flavouring, pineapple and mixed vegetable. I also ordered a side of vegetable spring rolls. I would normally eat fries or spaghetti with a napoletana sauce for lunch. The food that I typically eat is much heavier than Chinese cuisine. I didn’t feel as full but the food was very tasty. I typically don’t enjoy sweet and sour things but I like the flavour of the noodles. The meals I eat do not incorporate a variety of vegetable Chinese food seems to seamlessly integrate vegetables into any dish. Unfortunately, the spring rolls I ordered got mixed up and I accidently ate cheese (I am a vegan) but I got them exchanged and I enjoyed the deep-fired goodness with some sweet chilli sauce. If I had decided to eat my typical meal that day, I never would have eaten cheese so when one venture out of there familiar eating habits, one never knows what they will eat mostly because they do not know what they are eating.

Theme One: Religion Religion is a set of practices, beliefs, feelings and doctrines that define the relation between the divine or sacred and a human being. A religion is defined by particular elements which are implemented by a community of believers. Worship practices, sacred books, dogmas, rites, sacraments, organisations, interdicts and moral prescriptions make up a religion. Many religions are based on a revelation from a prophet who teaches people about the ideal of life, (Crabtree, 2016).

A religion should have three main characteristics which consist of believers or religious practisers, faith or a religious feeling and a sense of unity in a community who share in the same faith. Hinduism, Buddhism, Shintoism, Confucianism, Taoism, Judaism, Christianity, Islam are all religions. Religions can be broken up into sub-religions. Christianity consist of Catholic, Protestant, Methodist, Orthodox, Evangelistic and many other sub-categories, (Atheisme, 2017).

The word religion means “attaches,” or “retains.” It can also be defined as a moral bond. It was first used by the Romans to indicate the worship of demons. This occurred before the time of Jesus. The Latin word, “relio” comes from Cicero term, “relegere,” which means to re-examine carefully, to read again or to gather.

It ultimately means “to carefully examine the things

that relate to the worship of gods”. Other definition speaks of being connected to God or having a bond piety that binds to God, (Crabtree, 2016).

I did not grow up in a religious home. We didn’t attend church although we did own a Bible. My neighbours invited me to church sometimes and I accepted the invitations but I didn’t regard myself as a Christian. When I was 16, I started to explore Christianity. One night when I was home alone and I felt lonely, I started speaking to the open air. I felt as if that open air was speaking back to me. I then started attending church. I sat at the back of an Evangelistic congregation for about a year, just listening and then I decided that I wanted to have a relationship with God. I got baptised when I was 17 and I have identified as a Christian ever since then. In the past year, I have regarded myself as more of a spiritual Christian. I rely largely on signs and on my emotional connection to God. I have conversations with Him instead of simply praying. My relationship with God is a big part of my life even though my biblical knowledge isn’t very extensive and I tend to disregard scriptures on homosexuality and female submission. My religion is largely based on love, living a happy fulfilled life that is based on connecting with people and nature, (Mosala, 2017)

Task B: Religion

I am an Evangelistic Christian who is visiting a catholic church. I went to the Saint Charles Catholic Church in Victory Park. My mother has told me about catholic church but I’ve never been. It looks more official than my church. I go to church in a building next to Hooters. We call it, “The Warehouse.” It is hip with a modern cappuccino bar made out of wood. There are a lot of frames on the walls and an inspirational quote. There is a couch in the corner. It is comfortable. There a numerous chairs which can be moved around. The positioning of the chairs changes most weeks. There is a small stage with a Persian rug on it and I microphone in the centre that can easily be moved. There is a stand where the preacher stands and communicates with the congregation. There is a small projector screen with modern reminders of church events. Everything is very hipster. The catholic church is different. When you walk in, you must make the sign of the cross after dipping your finger in holy water. I didn’t know the order.

You say, “The Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. There are lines of pews. You heal before the row and then you sit down. I trip over the kneeling segment of the pew. I didn’t expect it to be there. We do not kneel in our church.

There are a lot more people in this catholic church. There are stained glass windows with images of Christ and Mary and the other saints.

There is a large stage. There architecture is detailed. There are a lot of statues and symbols of Christ on the cross. The people are more quiet.

A mad plays the guitar off stage. A woman sits next to him singing into a microphone. They sing songs while people enter. In my church we have a band. At 6pm, they begin planning.

The words show up on the projector. There is an aesthetic image behind the words. There are different coloured lights on the band. We sing four songs. The congregation lifts their hands in worship. We are free in our movement. We close our eyes. At the catholic church, no one lifts their hands. Some people sway. The words come up on screen when it is time to sing. Everything is very scripted. It is not as organic as my church.

Gender is defined as the socially constructed characteristics of both male and female. It includes the roles, the norms and the relationships between and of groups of men and women.

Gender varies depending on the social context and can be changed. Most people are born as either a female or a male and they are taught to behave according to their gender norms.

They are taught to interact in a specific way with people of the same sex and people of the opposite sex. They are also taught how to interact with various peoples in their work places, households and communities. When individuals do not fit into the established gender norms, they face social exclusion or are subjected to discriminatory practices. Some people do not fit into the binary female or male sex categories.

Some people are born with two sexual organs, thus making it difficult to classify whether they are male or female. Some people are born as males but feel like females or they are born as females and feel like males. They are called transgender and these people are given the opportunity to change their appearance to become the opposite gender. Some people are gender fluid which means that they have both male and female taints, (Who.int, 2017) Gender roles, norms and relations affect one’s metal health and physical wellbeing. It affects

one’s access to various health services, education and job opportunities. Ones gender affect the way in which they experience life, (Who.int, 2017) I do not subscribe to gender norms but I am still aware of the gender ideals of society. I identify as a female and I have female sexual organs.

I walk like a female, talk like a female and act like a female but I do subscribe to gender norms in terms of clothing. I do not believe that blue exists specifically for boy and that girls should only identify with objects that are pink. I believe that males are more macular than females because of social conditioning and not because of a biological difference in gender. Society creates trends for both males and females and both genders are expected to fulfil their roles and apply these trends in their every day lives in order to be deemed attractive. Gender is a capitalist tool because it allows gender based products to be marked up. Deodorant, razors and even tooth paste is gendered in todays society. Either gender has the ability to use any product regardless of its label but people tend to stay in their gender brackets because it is accepted by the circular society. In the twenty first century, gender is becoming more neutral as females are able to wear pants and males are able to wear pink but we are far from becoming a gender fluid society, (Mosala, 2017).

Theme Two: Gender

Theme Two: Sexuality

Sexuality is deeply personal and diverse.

Sexuality is about ones sexual attractions and sexual feelings. It is not necessarily about who one has sex with. There are many different times of sexuality. Some people are straight which means that they are attracted to people of the opposite sex. Gay people are attracted to people of the same sex. Lesbian is a term that describes females being attracted to other females. Bisexual people are attracted to both males and females. Pansexuals are attracted to different types of people regardless of their sex or gender. A sexual people are not sexually attracted to anyone. They have the ability to have sex but they have no desire to engage in sexual interactions, (Reachout.com, 2017).

In a broad sense, sexuality is the way a person expresses themselves as a sexual being. It is the manner in which one chooses to express their sexuality and how is include the importance one places on their sexual expression. It is also the preference one has towards the sexual partners they choose, Sexuality is a complex area of the human experience as it differs from person to person. Peoples sexualities are said to differ for many reasons such as peer-pressure, ones childhood influences and even pre-determination but science is unable to find a single cause for an individuals sexual orientation or sexuality. Sexuality is yet another chance product of an individuals na-

ture which is further developed through ones interactions. Human sexuality is most commonly established in ones teenage years but it can take several years from teenagehood to understand or accept ones sexuality, (Optionsforsexualhealth.org, 2017) The four major components of sexuality are intimacy and relationships, gender or sexual identity, sensuality and sexual health. Each of these components are influenced by a persons experience, culture, values and spirituality. Sexuality is more than just sex. Sexuality is a lifelong learning process. It shapes our attitudes, experiences, values and beliefs, sexual characteristics and societal expectation, (Optionsforsexualhealth.org, 2017).

I am a straight female. I have always been more attracted to males but my sexuality varies according to race and I tend to be more attracted to older males. I am not very free with my sexuality physically but I enjoy taking about sexuality with friends.

In the 21st century, people tend to be more fluid with who they are attracted to.

I wouldn’t say that I am not attracted to females, I just haven’t found one that I am willing to engage in sex with. As a Christian, I have decided to save myself for marriage which is why I am not physically free with my sexuality but that does not mean that I am not a sexual being. I place great importance of sex and who I engage in sexual relations with, (Mosala 2017)

Body politics are issues that are associated with the human body. This includes issues such as pregnancy, contraception, rape, hair and clothing styles and sexual harassment. These issues are not necessarily “political� and thus are not included in the context of political science, yet bodies exist at the core of political order.

They are markers of both power and status.

Many contemporary societies separate the access of work, political power, domestic work, religious life and intimate relationships according to the race and the sec of bodies. The structure of our society, our economic environment and our political worlds are structured to better accommodate for heterosexual males of the most dominant ethnic or racial group. In order to be female bodies to be deemed powerful, they must dress like men and females must cover their breast when feeding babies in public because of body politics. Black people straighten or cut their hair to emulate the appearance of white hair which is deemed more acceptable to society. In many countries, females are vulnerable to violence but they are not allowed to be warriors.

Women thus not taught how to adequately defend themselves and become the victims of intimate violence and rape. Bodies are policed in order to fit into the approved boundaries of normative, heterosexual hierarchies of race and approved modes of

femininity and masculinity. Bodies are powerful sources and symbols of privilege and social power, (Oxfordhandbooks.com, 2017).

Body politics was used first during the 1970’s when the second wave of the feminist movement took arose in the United states. It developed out of feminist politics and aligns with the abortion debates which were taking place at the time. Body politics was originally established in the fight against female objectification and violence against girls and women. It was part of the campaign to give females autonomy over their reproductive rights, (Encyclopedia.jrank.org, 2017).

I am a feminist who believes that females should be give autonomy over their bodies. I actively fight for violence upon female bodies to come to an end. Women are often too afraid to report rapes as they do not believe that the legal system will do anything about it. Females should be heard when they choose to come forward after being raped. They should be taught how to protect their bodies. Males should stop perpetuating rape culture. The way a female dresses or the amount that she drinks is not an invitation to share in her body.

We are of desperate need of a culture of consent and the female body should be deemed equal to a males in a social context and a work environment, (Mosala, 2017).

Theme Two: Body Politics

Theme Three: The Other

The other refers to the minority identity that is constructed the majority in a sociological context. The representation of minority groups is controlled by any given society by the group that has the most political power. Social identities reflect the manner in which groups or individuals internalise social categories within societies. This includes ones cultural identity, ones gender and social class. Various social categories shape the way we understand the world and people. Social identities are created through social interactions. People change or adjust their self-image and their behaviour based on various interactions and through reflection of the self. Ideas of difference and similarity are central to the way we achieve our sense of social belonging and construct our identities. Our identities are socially constructed, thus they hold an element of exclusivity. The concept of The Other focuses on how societies create identity, social status and belonging by constructing categories as binary opposites. The binary opposite of whoever is in power is “The Other,” while the those who hold the majority of power become the self, (Zevallos, 2015).

Woman are the other of man. Black is the other of white. Disability is the other of ability. Illness of the other of health. Foreigner is the other of the native. Mental illness is the other of mental stability. Poverty is the other of wealth. Homosexuality is the other of heterosexuality, (Zevallos, 2015).

As a black female, I am othered by society frequently as white males hold the majority of power in the Western society. Media texts often other images that reflect what I look like. The “token” black person is often added to movies and series to fulfil a stereotypical role of a black person. They are normal side-kicks or secondary characters. Females are also often added to media texts as accessories for the male lead character I have experienced mental illness so I also fulfil this context of “other”. I can regard myself as the “self” when identifying as an able person who is healthy and native to South Africa. Immigrants are typically othered, as well as sick people and disabled people. I am heterosexual so I do not experience society’s othering of homosexual people, (Mosala 2017).

Theme Three: The Unfamiliar The unfamiliar is something that someone is not acquainted. It is classified as something unusual, strange, different or something that someone is unaccustomed to. It is someone thing that someone has not yet experienced. It can be a place, a person or a subject.

It is not well-known or recognised. If something is unfamiliar to a person, it is something that one knows very little or nothing due to the fact that they have not experienced or seen it before.

When unfamiliar things are repeatedly done, they eventually become fa-

miliar, (Collinsdictionary.com, 2017).

Different things are unfamiliar to different people. Numerous cultures eat food that is unfamiliar to me, people speak languages that I cannot understand and different homes have a very different essence. By engaging in the unfamiliar, one is stepping out of ones own comfort zone. We all have our own boundaries in order to remain comfortable. I am comfortable in my own space and sharing my space with another person for 24 hours would make me feel very uncomfortable (Mosala, 2017).

Theme Four: Physical Discomfort In order to be more mindful, one must experience physical discomfort. Physical discomfort is slight physical pain or any physical representation of anxiety or embarrassment. People typically try to avoid all forms of physical discomfort but it is an important process of learning mindfulness. One can learn to acceptance from physical discomfort and an attitude of reliance. The more one experiences physical discomfort, the more they are able to deal with it and push through it. Discomfort could be an ache, an itch, stiffness, a throbbing sensation or a sharp sensation. In order to overcome physical discomfort, one should notice the sensation and the thoughts and feelings that one associates to specific sensations. The commentary of ones mind often makes physical discomfort seem much worse than it is. Negative thoughts are often the source of ones avoidance of an unpleasant experience rather than the physical discomfort itself, (Alidina and Marshall, 2017).

Theme Five: Vices

I am used to wearing warm clothing when the weather is cold but homeless people feel physical discomfort from the cold weather as they don’t have a means to protect themselves from the cold. I am able to freely move my arms and legs but someone who has broken their bones feels physical discomfort because their movements are hindered. I do not exercise daily so I would feel physical discomfort in the form of stiffness and muscle strain if I decided to exercise each day. I would also feel physical discomfort if I were to gain weight as I would not have as much space to move between objects and simply navigate life, (Mosala, 2017) A vice is a behaviour, a practice, or a habit that is considered rude, criminal, immoral, sinful, taboo or degrading in a social context. It can be the minor usage of something in order cope. It refers to a fault, a defect, a negative character trait, a bad or unhealthy habit or an infirmity. Vices are typically associated with a transgression in an individuals temperament or character rather than their morality. The opposite of a virtue is a vice, (DeMichele, 2016).

Envy, vanity and vulgarity are regarded as vices. Sloth, recklessness, doubt and impatience can also be vices. Smoking and

binge drinking are well-known vices, (Virtuescience.com, 2009).

Most vices are experienced personally. Many people experience envy, doubt and impatience on a daily basis but they do not actively acknowledge these vices and share them with other people. Smoking and drinking were once my vices but I decided to stop both these activities as they are damaging to one body. I practice sloth and vanity on a daily basis but I do it in the comfort and secrecy of my own home.

My most recent vice is vulgarity in the form of swearing. I would like to rid myself of this vice, (Mosala, 2017).

Task D: Vices.

I decided that I would abstain for cowardice for a day. Cowardice is a trait in which excessive self-concern and fear override saying and doing what is good, right or what helps others or the self in times of need. It is the opposite of courage.

Cowardice is a label that indicates failure in the face of various challenges. People who succumb to cowardice are cowards. In the military, cowardice is a crime which is punishable by death. Cowardice is considered a character flaw, (Dictionary.com, 2017).

I normally shy away from speaking to the boy that I have a genuine interest in, but today, I actively went out of my way to have conversations with them. First I spoke to Darren. I was able to admire how attractive he was when he spoke but the conversation didn’t flow organically. From the encounter, I realized that we were not compatible. This saves me a lot of time and effort that I would have spent obsessing over a person who I ultimately would never date.

The second boy that I talked to was Matthew. I learned that his father passed away and that he works down the road. He uses strange lingo. We both avoided eye contact with one another probably because we are both a little bit shy. I realized that I am not as attracted to him up close but that he is a very nice person and that I would definitely be friends with him in the future.

I managed to abstain from cowardice for a day and I learned a lot about people that I was interested in. I was able to figure out if I truly liked the people that sparked my fascination. Instead of wondering about them, I engaged in conversation with them and I figured out that I would not date either of them. Normally I just avoid situations like this but abstaining from my vice of cowardice was actually a productive activity.

Task E: Communication & Languages Matthew dresses in an ordinary t-shirt and jeans.

His attire is natural. He wears black shoes. Matthew smokes Marlboro cigarettes. He sits on the stairs instead of sitting on a bench. He moves as if he feels too tall. He moves heavily. He takes up a lot of space while he sits. Every so often, he raises his cigarette to his lips and takes a deep inhale. I sit next to him. I say hello. He tries to seem indifferent. He speaks in a deep voice. He does not use his hands to speak like I do. I uses strange colloquial language that I do not use. I asked me if I “had it out” with someone I didn’t like. I asked him to repeat the question because I didn’t necessary understand what he was asking. He avoided eye contact with me, probably showcasing his shyness. He let me talk mostly and he asked quite a few questions. When I asked him out of the blue what his father looked like, he did not hesitate to show me a picture. He then told me that his father had passed away when he was about three years old. Matthew is very open. He let me look through his phone for a little while. I compared salaries with him and he directly told me how much he made each month. His hair is thinning at the top of his head. She told me how much he loves his mother. His face is not very expressive but his honesty makes up for his guarded expressions.

Communication is a two-way process that establishes mutual understanding. Participants exchange information by encoding and decoding various messages. Ideas and feelings can be communicated to establish a shared meaning.

It is a process through which information and ideas are exchanged between people through a shared system of sign, symbols and behaviour, (BusinessDictionary.com, 2017).

There are various categories of communication which include written communication, visualizations, spoken or verbal communication and non-verbal communication. Written communication exists in the form of letters, internet texts, e-mails, magazines and books. Visualisations exist in the form of logos, charts, graphs and maps. One’s body language, the way someone acts or dresses, the gestures a person uses and even one’s scent are all forms of non-verbal communication. Verbal or spoken communication includes radio, face-to-face communication, television and telephone conversations. The goal of communication is understanding. Misunderstanding can occur when a person is not communicating clearly or some form of noise occurs during the interaction. An effective communicator understands who they are talking to and waits for feedback to see if the message that they sent has been properly understood, (Skillsyouneed.com, 2015).

Communication is a very important part of my everyday life. I communicate with my lecturers, my family and with strangers. I do not always communicate effectively and as a result, I often have to repeat what I have said in order to be understood. I sometimes mumble which makes it difficult to hear what I am saying. Accents prohibit understand between individuals and different views create defensive attitudes which lead to the implementation of communication barriers. Deaf people often have communication issues as they communicate with the world in a very different way, (Mosala, 2017).

Theme Six: Language A language is a unique system of conventional, written, spoken or manual symbols by which a person who is a participant in a culture and a member of a social group, express themselves.

The main function of language is to communicate with other people. Other functions of language include expression one identity, telling a story or it can be used as an emotional release, (Dictionary.com, 2017).

A language is a body of various words or systems which are used by people of the same nation, community, geographical area or same culture.

People communicate through speech using arbitrary sounds in conventional ways to establish conventional meanings. A language is a system of linguistic symbols or signs that are constructed in order to communicate shared meaning. As of 2014, there are 7 106 languages in active existence, (Britannica.com, 2017).

The only language that I speak is English which is a universal lan-

guage which means that I can speak to many different people and understand what they are saying. I am monolingual as I only speak on language.

Many other people are bilingual as they have the ability to speak two or more languages.

Many people assume, because of the colour of my skin, that I speak an African language.

Black people often speak to me in Zulu or Sotho when I am at the shops. I often reply in English or I tell them that I only speak English. They often ask me why and I tell them that it is because when I was growing up, my parents did not teach me another language. The typical response that I get is that I should learn how to speak an African language in order to effectively communicate with them. South Africa has 11 official languages. English is not spoken by the majority of the country but it is still considered the most professional mode of communication. Sign language is a language that is not composed of speech but rather hand gestures, (Mosala, 2017).

Theme Six: Communication

Theme Seven: Routine A routine is a regular procedure or a customary course of action. It is a chore, a commonplace task, a duty that must regularly be done or an everyday activity. It is a habitual, unvarying procedure that is commonly completed. It can be a sequence of specific actions that are followed, (Dictionary.com, 2017).

Some routines that I have include brushing my teeth each night, checking my phone as soon as I wake up and putting on my watch everyday. People have night time routines to get them ready for bed and morning routines to ensure that they wake up in the best possible way. I prefer to not engage in routines as I find they can become monotonous and I get bored very easily, (Mosala, 2017).

A ritual is a sequence of unique activities that include objects, gesture and words which a performed in a particular place according to a specific sequence. Rituals can be prescribed by religious communities or implemented as part of one’s tradition. Rituals can be characterised by specific sacred symbolism, invariance, performance, traditionalism, formalism and rule-governance but rituals are not defined by theses characteristics, (Vocabulary.com, 2017).

All known societies have featured rituals. It could include the way people worship a rite of passage, an oath of allegiance, a presidential inauguration, a dedication ceremony, a wedding, a funeral, a graduation, a party or any activity which is frequently done in a set

order manner. Even common actions such as saying hello or shaking another persons hand can be seen as rituals. A ritual can also be repetitive behaviour used by a person to systematically prevent or neutralize their anxiety. This is a characterise of obsessive-compulsive disorder, (oxforddictionaries.com, 2017).

People have skin care rituals that they follow to properly clean and care for their skin. On Sunday, I go to church and we follow a strict ritual through the service.

First we sing three to four songs, then we pray, then we listen to the sermon, then we take communion, then we sing one more song, we pray one more time and then we socialize. It is the same ritual every weekend, (Mosala, 2017).

Theme Seven: Rituals

Task A: Routines & Rituals.

I wake up to an alarm that is preset. I hit “stop” automatically. I sleep for another hour or two. I wake up.

I reach for my phone. I scroll through my updates. I reacquaint myself with society. I like, comment and subscribe.

I watch videos, I smile, I roll my eyes.

I put my phone down. I make lists of all the things I want/need to do. It is much colder now. I pull my covers closer to me. I need to pee. I always need to pee. I get up reluctantly. I look in the mirror. I normally lift my shirt to assess my stomach. It’s been years since the anorexia but I still have a habit of looking at my body each morning, mostly now with love. I use the bathroom. I go back to my room. I open my curtains to let the light in. I love the light. It is beautiful. I get back into bed.

I watch more videos, I scroll through social media again: Instagram, Facebook, BoredPanda when I am bored. I reply to messages on Whatsapp. I normally try to avoid the app. Too much work, too many expectant people. I force myself to be professional and be social.

I get out of bed. I take a bath. I come back to my bedroom. I take a minute to unpack numerous clothes before I chose something to wear. What I do not wear, I leave on my bed or my cupboard. I tell myself that I will eventually wear them. I never wear them. They collect dust until they are put in the wash or packed away by my mother.

Breakfast is simple. 9 bananas eaten in one sitting. My brother is awake. I say, “hello.” He makes a joke. I laugh.

I saw, “OK, poo poo.” I continue with school work. I get distracted by social media. I conclude that I should watch a movie. Something involving romance.

I watch half of the movie. I end up on my phone while it plays. I send a brief message to my best friend asking if she wants to grab some food. I wait. Her

phone signal is terrible. It causes me anxiety. What if she misses my message? There is only a small window of time before I get too hungry to wait for her response. If so, it doesn’t really matter, does it? I can just eat alone Write. Listen to music. Enjoy my own company. She messages me back. We will meet at Monte. Ask my mother to drop me off. We get into the car parked under one of the trees in our garden.

I change the radio station from 702 to 94.7. We talk. She asks what I am going to do with the rest of my day. I tell her. We drive out of our estate. I dance and sing to the music. I say, “It’s you’re line mum!” She does not know the song. She bobs her head. We laugh. I look at the beggers. I look at all the people walking to and from places. I feel privileged. I remind myself that I am blessed. I look at the vendors on the side of the road. I hide my phone beneath my leg. I still remember being robbed. I try not to be anxious. We arrive at Montecasino. I am late. I don’t know where to meet Kayla. I don’t have airtime. I never have airtime. She knows this. She sends me a message, “I am at Mugg & Bean.” My favourite place. She knows this. I walk through Monte in a hurry. I smile at random people. I weave through them. I feel cool. “I come here too often,” I think to myself. I get to Mugg & Bean. I am greeted by the staff. I know them all. They are so used to seeing me. I say I am meeting someone. I see Kayla’s purple hair. It makes her so easy to find. I say, “Hello.” I don’t apologise for being late. We hug. I sit down. She has already ordered. She knew I would be late. I tell her a silly story. We laugh. I order tea. Chamomile. I can’t drink anything with caffeine in it. I will regret it latter. We catch up. We saw each other recently but we still have something to talk about.

She is confused about the guy she is dating. She is thinking of quitting her job. She is not optimistic. At the core of herself she is sad. I tell stories about things that have happened to me recently. I tripped after seeing a cute boy. Someone asked me if my white hair is natural or died. I tell her about my writing. It’s going well. I’m nearly done with the book. I tell her about college. I tell her about work. I feel bad. My life is going well. I am optimistic. We laugh a lot. We have been friends for a long time. We reminisce. We laugh. She makes comments like, “Why are you like this?”

I shrug. We laugh. How is my mom? She is great. How is Saskia? Still taking drugs.

Still not much of a sister. How is Ashley and Kennedy? Great. I finish a pot of tea.

She needs to charge her phone. She gets out her charger. She plays Pokemon Go. I log onto the Wi-Fi. I scroll through social media. She apologizes for being on her phone. Do you want to eat? Maybe later. We continue talking. She needs to go.

She is going to see her almost-boyfriend. She is still overthinking it but she’s enjoying his company. She uses her employee discount card on the bill. She pays. We hug.

She orders an Uber. She leaves. I move to an outside table. I order food. They only have four vegan options. I drink tea. I write numerous poems. I eat. I order more tea. I drink more tea. I write more. I listen to Keaton Henson. I people-watch. I try to smile so that I don’t look lonely. I’m not lonely, I just don’t want people to think I am. I finish eating. I drink another pot of tea. I let my brother know that I am on my last pot. He says OK. I read a book. I look at my social media feed. I finish my tea.

I pay my bill. I send my brother a message letting him know that I am done and ready to be picked up. I walk to the ‘drop-off zone.” I wait. I think. I people-watch.

I see my brothers car. I walk towards it. I get in. We say hello. I ask him what he did all night. He played League of Legends. I tell him unnecessary stories. He doesn’t care that much but he doesn’t mind listening either. He says silly things. I laugh. We arrive home. I ask him if he wants me to close the gate. He says no. He will do it.

He opens the door. I say hello to my mother. We talk about our days. We talk a lot. I say that I am tired. I tell her that I love her. She says the same. I go into my room. I light a candle. I do some work. I have a lot to do. I finish the movie that I started watching earlier. It was good. I probably won’t watch it again but it was good. I am tired. I go on Tinder. I swipe left. I swipe left. I swipe left. I wouldn’t actually date any of these people. I swipe right. I get bored. I go through social media. I publish a post on social media about how grateful I am to be alive. I put on meditation music. I blow out my candle. I go on Bored Panda. I fall asleep.

ARTISTS OF THE WEEK Christian Watson Macklemore & Ryan Lewis Neil Hilborn Rupi Kaur Kacy Johnson StyleLikeU

Christian Watson

Christian Watson is the founder of 1924.us. He is a writer, a traveller and shoots films and he creates branding for companies. Christian Watson created 1924.us for individuals and crafters to come together to share their work and to initiate intimate relationships with fellow creators. It is a platform of collaboration which has generated a visual museum that establishes serenity in the viewer and a sense of inspiration. Watson focuses on simplicity and human centric visual representations that have a homelike essence, (Watson, 2017).

Watson values that which is made by the human hand and furthermore, he values

stories. He lives a life of authenticity and creates art from his home. He travels to collaborate with fellow artists and produces breathe-taking photographs that inspire authenticity in the lives of thousands, (Watson, 2017).

Christian Watson once told a story about how he lost his tooth and how, for the longest time, he was so afraid to be seen without the clip-on tooth that was made for him.

He, like all of us, has battled with self-image, but now, he is an ambassador of self-love and living one’s truth. His art, photographs and writing welcome others to be themselves.

(Haggerty & Lewis, 2017)

Macklemore & Ryan Lewis make up an American hip hop due. The due was formed in 2008 in Seattle Washington. It is composed of Ryan Lewis, who is a record producer, a photographer and a DJ, and Ben Haggerty, otherwise known as Macklemore who is a singer and a rapper.

Macklemore & Ryan Lewis make social commentary on social topics such as white privilege and gay marriage. There music is thus quite controversial. They produce their music independently and it is therefore up to them to decide what the message behind their music is. In their most recent album, ‘This Unruly Mess I’ve Made’, Macklemore &

“

“

You've exploited and stolen the music, the moment. The magic, the passion, the fashion, you toy with. The culture was never yours to make better. You're Miley, you're Elvis, you're Iggy Azalea. Fake and so plastic, you've heisted the magic. You've taken the drums and the accent you rapped in. Your brand of hip-hop, it's so fascist and backwards. That Grandmaster Flash'd go slap it, you bastard. All the money that you made. All the watered down pop-bullshit version of the culture, pal. Go buy a big-ass lawn, go with your bigass house. Get a big-ass fence, keep people out. It's all stolen, anyway, can't you see that now? There's no way for you to even that out. You can join the march, protest, scream and shout. Get on Twitter, hashtag and seem like you're down.But they see through it all, people believe you now?

You said publicly, “rest in peace, Mike Brown.” You speak about equality, but do you really mean it? Are you marching for freedom, or when it's convenient? Want people to like you, want to be accepted? That's probably why you are out here protesting. Don't think for a second you don't have incentive. Is this about you, well, then what's your intention? What's the intention? What's the intention?

Ryan Lewis explore issues such as drug use, overdosing on legalized medicine, mental illnesses and race. In their song, ‘White Privilege II’ Macklemore explores how white people have stolen and appropriated black culture for decades, rebranding it for their own personal gain and claiming it as their own, (Weiner, 2016).

I appreciate Macklemore & Ryan Lewis as artists because they are willing to have difficult conversations about the social issues that we currently face. Their music has meaning and it pushes people to ask question about difficult social problems that many individuals overlook.

Macklemore & Ryan Lewis

Image: Derrick, 2013

Neil Holborn

How to kill yourself without hurting anyone?

Don’t. (Hilborn, 2015) Neil Hilborn is a writer and performer of original slam poetry. His poems consist of detailed personal experiences that explore his battle with various metal disorders. His best known poem is entitled, “OCD,” which became a viral sensation. Hilborn preforms at a number of colleges, inspiring young people to be open about their struggles with mental illness, (Gander, 2013).

Neil Hilborn graduated with honours in 2011 form Macalester College with a Creative Writing degree. He published his debut poetry book in 2013 which was called ‘Our Numbered Days’. Hilborn is also the co-founder of

a literary magazine entitled ‘Thistle’ and runs numerous writing workshops to refine the skill of young poets. His work has been published in ‘Borderline Magazine’, ‘Orange Quarterly’ and other renowned publications, (Buttonpoetry.com, 2017) Creating critical dialogue about mental illness is important. It gives people strength and reminds them that they are not alone in their struggles. I love Neil Hilborn’s poetry because he uses humour and the power of story telling to touch people across nations who feel completely alone in their mental illnesses. His poetry is a companion to those who feel lost.

she self-publushed her first poetry collection which was titles ‘Milk & Honey’. She is passionate about expression, whether it is through writing, photography, illustration, videography, design or creative direction.

She also facilitates writing workshops for those looking to improve their creative writing skills. Her work engages with themes of trauma, loss, healing, love and femininity, (Kaur, 2017).

feminist issues such as rape and self-love. I appreciate her work because it is beautifully honest, it challenges societies views and it unites people who have faced loss or who have experienced trauma. I admire the fact that she self-published her work and that she not only wrote the poetry but also drew the illustrations that were featured in ‘Milk & Honey.”

Rupi Kaur is one of the great poets of our generation. She creates dialogue on

(Kaur, 2014)

Rupi Kaur

Rupi Kaur is a Toronto, Canada based artist and Writer. She began to paint and draw at the age of five as a medium of expression as she was an immigrant from India who was unable to speak English and this unable to communicate with the other children at her school. After she learned the language, she became very passionate about reading books. She started writing and preforming poetry at the age of seventeen. She travelled across Canada writing poetry and preforming her work.

In November 2014,

Kacy Johnson Kacy Johnson is a portrait photographer who has spent years photographing females around the world. She has connected with females from the age of 9 to 90 years old. Her work is focuses on repairing the damage that has been done to women and their self-image due to society’s beauty myth, (Johnson, 2017).

Johnson started a personal photography series called ‘Project Female’ which documents the physical attributes of various females from

their backs. She spent three years photographing women of all body shapes, ages and skin tones to create a faceless exhibition that unveils the identities of females in a more intimate way.

She showcases their tan lines, their bruises, their scars, marks and moles, their tattoos and the indentations left from their tight bras. She then provides quotations from these same females which makes the project more personal, (Johnson, 2017).

Kacy

Johnson

creates

powerful feminist dialogue by sharing the stories of various females through photography. By photographing females backs instead of their faces, she is ultimately saying, “You are more than what you look like,” In todays society, the way a female look dictates her worth but Johnson imagery communicates the message that every females voice and story is worthy of being heard. Her images are not sexualised but empowering. The final images hold a realness that is not captured by main stream media.

(Art and Agnes, 2017).

(Style Like U, 2017)

StyleLikeU StyleLikeU was created by a mother-daughter due. Elisa Goodkind & Lily Mandelbaum started StyleLikeU as a platform for individualistic expression through clothing. Goodking as a fashion stylist at a top fashion magazine but after twenty years dressing various models and celebrities, she became frustrated by the industry, it’s conformity and the implementation of societal beauty ideals. She says that the fashion industry was once about rebellion and artistry but now it is all about selling status. From an early age, Mandelbaum struggled with her body image as the media was and is oversaturated by models who looked nothing like her.

She constantly tried to physically change herself in order to fit into the beauty ideal but continually failed. Goodkind and Mandelbaum created StyleLikeU to disempower the status quo, (Goodkind and Mandelbaum., 2017).

In 2009, Goodkind and Mandelbaum started their “Closet” series which documented unique individuals closets which challenged the norms of the fashion industry. In 2014, they stated the ‘What’s Underneath’ Project which was a docu-style video series that interviews people of all genders, races, ages, body types and

abilities while they remove layers of their clothing. As the person being interviewed removes their clothing, they share empowering and honest stories about themselves and their experiences. They explore topics such as style, identity and self image. ‘What’s Underneath’ has since become a viral phenomenon which empowers viewers around the world to blatantly reject society’s limiting norms and to find comfort and freedom in ones own skin, (Goodkind and Mandelbaum., 2017).

The interviews that Goodkind and Mandelbaum have conducted and filmed are truly inspiring because they come from a place of raw human emotion. The people that they feature peel back the layers of themselves as they take off their clothes and I find myself relating to each of the subjects on a human level. Without their clothes, make-up and accessories, they become venerable and regardless of who they are, I feel connected to them in their venerability. The concept brilliant and the project inspires several people to strip back the layers of social conventions, to acknowledge who they are at their core and to love themselves authentically.

Conforming to female gender expectations

Things that I will need

Sites that emphasis/challenge your intervention Church I wore heels to church which was strange but no one questioned my apperance. I was complimented and I enjoyed the service. I was very selfaware.

Weekly personal lunch - Andiccio This challenged my intervention because when a girl looks pretty, she is not meant to sit alone and enjoy her own company. I felt awkward at first but I enjoyed my personal time.

Party space

I don’t typically party. This challenged my intervetion because the girl who I was trying to embody would enjoy a party space. I ended up enjoying it but I got tired after a while.

Q: What theme did you choose as part of your body intervention?

A: The other and the unfamiliar Q: What was your concept for the 7 day body intervention?

A: My concept was to experience myself as overweight instead of skinny as I have always been skinny.

Q: Why does your chosen concept make you feel discomfort?

A: Firstly, it was different from what I’m used to. I had to ask people to move to get past. It drew attention all the time. People would stare. Sweaty all the time. I don’t ever want to be fat because of the fat and the stares. I wanted to feel unfamiliar. The unknown makes me feel generally uncomfortable. Mom. Made her feel more subconscious after intervention because of skinniness.

Q How did people respond to your body intervention?

A: A lot of laughs and questions . The people that didn’t know would just stare. People were confused. It was uncomfortable to do work and self conscious to move because sound of bubble wrap.

Q: What was your personal response to your body intervention?

A: I don’t want to be fat and taking the body suit off made me more self-conscious.

Q: What was the biggest take away from your body intervention?

A: Not to judge other people. Experiencing what other people find uncomfortable , now I understand more.

Kind of. Bubble wrap isn’t heavy.

1. For my seven day body intervention, I decided to subscribe to societies expectations of what an accepted female is supposed to look like. This included a full face of make-up each day, heels, sexy lingerie, a weave, nail extensions and wearing contacts.

2. My concept for my body intervention was to subscribe to societies expectations of me as a female.

3. I was trying to challenge the way people viewed each other. I have actively been practicing self-love for the past 1 to 2 years which consisted of stripping myself of "superficial" beauty and accepting myself for the person I naturally was. This body intervention was challenging because I felt like I was ultimately masking who I was under what society wanted me to be. It was challenging because every night when I arrived home, I couldn't take off the weave or the nails. I no longer looked like myself. When I looked in the mirror I could say, "That girl is accepted," but I couldn't say, "I'm proud of that girl and I lover her," because she wasn't capable, she was merely pretty. Personally, I believe that diminishes my worth. I was instantly deemed more worthy of attention and people went out of their way to help me. I was the same person that I was a week ago but because I looked more acceptable to society, I was treated much better.

4. The most challenging aspect of the project was coming home because I wasn't surrounded by the approval of others. I tried to find confirmation of my worth on Tinder and other dating apps. I spent hours posting pictures that aligned with my new look but ultimately, I was exhausted by the end of the day. For seven days, I looked for my worth in other people and when I was alone, I couldn't affirm myself because my capabilities were hindered by beauty. Getting ready for 2 hours every single day isn't suitable for my lifestyle. I would much rather write or connect with other creative. I felt irresponsible with my time. Mostly, the assignment was fun. I enjoyed the attention and the reaction I got from the opposite sex but ultimately I lost what I admired about myself.

Returning to myself was also very challenging. To receive so much affirmation and then receive very little was quite a shock. For the past couple of days, I have had to relearn how to support myself. Being societies idea of feminine is challenging because society portrays a very reliant, self-obsessed and weak image of femininity. I became the ideal but I also feel like I lost my strength.

Interviews.

SEVEN DAY BODY INTERVENTION Journal Preparation – Tuesday 9th of May 2017. I hate consumerism.

Firstly, I hate consumerism. Shopping for outfits for the next seven days put me in an almost depressive state. For the past couple of years, I have rarely shopped for myself. I normally ask my mother to make my clothing for me or I borrow items from my family and friends but since money became an issue, I haven’t seriously shopped which meant that todays excursion consisted of looking at numerous price tags and feeling worthless because truth be told, I couldn’t afford most of the clothes that wanted. Yes, I actually wanted these clothes. I would love to buy something for two grand and throw it on in the morning, looking effortless and sophisticated but that isn’t my reality at the moment. This sense of worthlessness took me back to when I was a student at Crawford.

Ones worth existed solely in what they could buy so, when money began to become an issue, my identity diminished because in a lot of ways, I was my money. That brought on a lot of anxiety and a deep depression. At that stage I lost who I was and that was difficult to deal with. Today I relived losing myself to the things I could not afford. I was just about ready to have an anxiety attack while I walked to the next store but instead, I tried to remind myself that my worth does not exist in the clothes I wear and what I can buy but instead in the person I am. Being superficial and materialistic, in my mind, goes against loving thyself because you have to place value on exterior things. It’s taken me a long time to like myself beyond things. I use what I have. I do not mindlessly spend money on clothing that will make me feel better as a person for a few moments. This project is making me go against all that I stand for as a person. It is bringing back who I used to be and how I lost myself. These are difficult issues to deal with and I have to keep reminding myself that this is just a project.

Preparation – Wednesday 10th of May 2017. One palate with three colours costs R650?

R650 for one make-up palate with three colours? I had to work to keep my face straight while the sales lady tried to sell it to me. The palate didn’t have all the colours I needed.

I would have to buy an additional palate with different colours and I would ultimately only use a few of the shades. What bullshit.

So, I went into do-what-I-can-with-what-Ihave mode. I bought a number of things at a fraction of the cost to make up for the lack of make-up I had. I used to wear make-up every day. I still remember a lot of the technicalities and technical terms which surprised the lady trying to sell me the make-up. Just because I look like I don’t care doesn’t mean that I don’t know anything. I just choose to be my most authentic self at all times to minimize the fabrication that consumerism is built upon. If I don’t wear make-up, I’m not lying to anyone and when I eventually meet someone that I will want to date, I won’t have to be nervous about the big reveal which consists of me taking off my make-up and hoping he will stay with me. No, he will already know what I look like. What a breath of fresh air that is.

When I got home, I organised all of my outfits. I have selected two so far which I am incredibly excited to wear. I practiced walking in my heels. I borrowed one pair from a friend and I am not looking forward to wearing them. Why do females wear high heels? Sure, it makes you look hot but they hurt! It goes against my natural state to wear something that isn’t comfortable.

Preparation – Friday 12th May 2017.

Just get it on sale!

Preparation – Thursday 11th May 2017. My fears and a causal freak out.

I guess the main fear is: what if I am not pretty. For the past three years, I have attributed the lack of male interest in me to not caring much about my appearance but now I no longer have that excuse. Not to mention the fact that my nature ‘flair’ for style is non-existent. I’m actually trying to look pretty but make-up is not as easy as it used to be and heels are not comfortable but I need to look as if they are comfortable and I have a butt load of stuff that I still need to buy and I’m getting my nails done for the first time in three years and I’m trying to remain calm but this whole project has just put me on edge. I followed a lot of black females and males on Instagram. I’m preparing to hashtag black magic a lot next week. I might just download the lemonade album and see what all the hype was about. Today I heard two girls talking about what they are thinking of wearing for the Durban July. They kept on saying that they are looking for outfits that are, “magic.” They judged a lot of people on their appearances. That isn’t me – not anymore at least. Even though I am changing my embodiment, I only aim to higher my level confidence. I refuse to look down on people. This assignment is to challenge who I am as an individuals, it is not to break people down. The only problem is that when I dress a certain way, my attitude changes with the alteration. Remaining humble through this transformation will be an additional challenge. I also find myself eating less and exercising more in preparation for next week.

I went to lunch with the girls. We talked about our individual body intervention themes. The thing that I am most excited about is looking “hot” in societies eyes and being hit on. The thing that I am most nervous about is actually trying to look pretty but not obtaining my goal. I made plans to borrow clothes from Kirsten. I asked friends where the best place to get my hair done was. Apparently Sorbet is not the answer. You can get a full manicure and pedicure with acrylic tips and a gelish overlay for the same price as Sorbet would charge someone for just getting a gelish manicure up the road from Vega at the Chinese mall. Apparently, people don’t buy full price make-up either. They purchase foundation but they just buy cheaper alternatives at various shops. The branding doesn’t actually matter at the end of the day. I thought that being a female was expensive, but most of it is just making do with what one has which is a relief. I feel less depressed about the experience. I’m learning a lot of tricks-of-the-trade. I had to tell my boss that he would have to excuse my appearance for the next seven days. I already feel the need to explain myself.

Preparation – Saturday 13 May 2017 Nails are a yardstick of feminine worth.

I got my nails done professionally for the first time eve. I haven’t painted my nails in three years. First I couldn’t decide on the colour which was frustrating because I had work in about an hour and gelish nail polish lasts for about two weeks so I needed to make sure I was happy with the colour. I asked fellow females for their opinions. They were happy to help me. We bonded through talking about nails. I didn’t know what shape I wanted my nails.

Apparently these are the things that females have answers for.

She also asked me how long I wanted my nails. I think I told her, “Long enough?” The nail technician took the nail matter in her own hands. I had no clue what she was doing so that put me on edge.

The whole experience just proved how uptight I try am. I didn’t stop feeling anxious until my mother approved of my nails. I had to learn to manoeuvre the world with these foreign finger extensions.

It was difficult to say the least. My hands became ornaments instead of tools. I got compliments on my nails. My black co-workers asked me if I washed the dishes or did laundry. I told them that I don’t do these tasks. I have never done these things but now other people are more aware of the fact that I am privileged. The men at work told me that my labola had just increased because of my nails. I have discovered that nails are a yardstick of how little labour one does and how much one is worth. My mother noticed that I have nice hands for the first time because the nails complimented the whole aesthetic value of my hands apparently. Being feminine unlocks a whole new world and this is only the beginning.

Preparation – Sunday 14 May 2017. The weave Vs. me.

It took 16 hours to apply the weave (distinction, please? Ha ha. Ha). I typically don’t braid my hair so that was a painful process.

I had to cover up my white hair which I have grown to love. Now males stare at me for a different reason. My weave is an excuse to be more high maintenance which I like but it is a long process to put the weave in. You have to braid your hair down first and then add the hair which went pretty quickly. The most time consuming task was the closure which is the parting which makes the weave look more “natural.” Let’s face it though: black girls don’t grow white hair, so why do we struggle and put ourselves through so much pain to look white. Societies standards baffle me. I like what the weave looks like. I look prettier in the eyes of society. Longer hair equates to a more feminine appearance. I look like I care about my appearance more but at the same time, I view it as self-hatred on a level. It’s not mine. It will never be mine. So why does it make me secretly happy to not look like me? Why do I feel like I can take more selfies. Why do more people appreciate my appearance. I think its bullshit. It makes me pessimistic about society. I watched “Lemonade,” by Beyoncé for the first time. I’ve never really appreciated her art but wow. I believe in black magic. I believe in black excellence. I am so proud to be black.

All the black girls in the visual album wore weaves. If we are so confident in our skins, why do we hide behind other peoples hair?

Monday 15 May 2017.

Body intervention – Day 1 You have to wake up early to put make-up on and get adequately pretty. I accidently over slept. Surprise surprise. I paid more attention to detail while getting ready. I watched a tutorial to do my make-up properly. I still remember what to do but I watched the tutorials anyway. I enjoy doing make-up in the company of another person, even though the person is really just a pre-recorded YouTube video. My room is chaotic which makes it harder to get ready. I think I understand why girly girls are so neat and tidy. I listened to Macklemore and Solange this morning. I’m only allowed to listen to black artists and rap this week. After about an hour and a half of getting ready (thong included!) I finally left the house, nervous as heck but ready to embody societies version of feminine. Just as I left the house, I got cat called. I avoided eye-contact and got in the car with my friend. She couldn’t look at me directly at first. She kept saying it was weird. “It’s you but its not you.” I was late for class which meant that I had to disrupt the class in order to find a seat. A lot of people complimented me which was nice but strange. Vanessa said that there was a chorus of, “Wow,” when I walked in.

Aimee and Kirsten said that she preferred my normal face which is a compliment of greater value to me. I enjoyed the attention but still shied away. Many people made remarks like, “Where’s Bernice,” Or, “You look so different,” followed by, “But it looks good. I instinctively assume they are lying. Do people really think I look good? I don’t necessarily see myself when I look in the mirror. I see acceptance but I don’t see self-love. I take a lot of selfies. I’m practically obsessed with Tinder. I changed all my pictures and make my bio less me and more friendly to the male eye. I get a lot more matches. I don’t finish my work, instead I swipe left and right on guys because their validation means more to me than my abilities. I find that people say yes to me more in general.

Tuesday 16 May 2017.

Body intervention – Day 2 I am more self-obsessed today. More selfies. I mean a ridiculous amount.

I talk about myself more. I feel more comfortable judging others. I find myself thinking mean things about others and I have to remind myself that I am being vapid. I wore the highest heels that I had borrowed from friends today. They were almost impossible to walk in but I did it anyway. My father avoided eye contact with me. I guess he isn’t used to seeing me like this. He noted that I spoke more, “Sandton.” I had to take the shortest route to my classes because walking in heels is SO difficult. I was late for class again. Getting ready takes so much longer that it did last week. A 20 minute endeavour now takes an hour and thirty minutes at least. People are still shocked when I walk into a room. I feel more comfortable asking people for things or I feel like I need to pretend to be more apologetic to not seem like a snob. I am not fully comfortable with me appearance. I don’t know if people are looking at me or if they are staring. I don’t feel pretty in real life but when I look at pictures, I am assured that I am indeed pretty. I had to hold onto railings and walls to keep my balance. I went out of my way to show people my new look. It takes people a moment to recognise that I am the same person that hasn’t worn make-up in months.

I walked past my crush and felt the urge to run. I didn’t want him to see me like this. The only thing worse than him seeing the train wreck that I look like, stumbling in heels would be him actually liking the new and improved B. I avoided eye contact. I had to slow my pace down in order to walk. Again, I decided to postpone my work. I choose to have an impromptu photoshoot instead. I accidently pulled off one of my eye lashes. I’m not used to wearing them. They don’t feel comfortable. I had to peel the other one off and redo my make-up. I need to start carrying around make up for touch-ups. When walking, I decided to cling on Jarryd for support. I finally understand the function of men. We both walked slowly together We made a joke that an Emo and a dolled-up Sandton girl would never be friends but I needed him for support and comfort, and I think he needed me too. The waiters at Rustic didn’t recognise me for an hour. They were incredibly shocked when I asked them if I looked different. The security guard didn’t think I was a student. I was cat-called again. My boss at the restaurant I work at said I look more youthful, that it would take him longer to take me seriously but that I still looked nice. I almost didn’t recognise me. It is starting to irritate me that I can feel my hair under the weave. It all feels so fake. I want my natural self back. I miss my face. Who I am on a regular basis will always be more beautiful in my eyes than this fake façade. I felt weird going to my life group. They were all dressed comfortably and I showed up wearing heels and a full face of make-up. I think they felt my discomfort. I briefly explained that it was for a project. Explaining this to people always helps. I felt guilty for being artificially pretty in the presence of Christian women who seem to pride themselves for their natural, God given beauty. I felt disconnected. I tried to make myself seem like less of a burden.

Wednesday, 17 May 2017.

Body Intervention – Day 3.

This was the best day for my thus far. I wore high-waisted pants with a low cut top and the most comfortable heels. When I walked into a room, I commanded attention! It took me a long time to get ready as usual but I am starting to enjoy the process. It is almost like a therapy. I take a lot of selfies. I go out of my way to go and buy a Vanilla and Cinnamon latte made with almond milk at Woolworth or nearly R50. I typically don’t drink coffee unless I need to because it makes me feel anxious but I bought the coffee anyway because I knew it would make me look more up-market and cool.

When I walked into class I got a lot of attention which made me feel valued. People were surprise and they asked me where I got my clothing from. I told them that I owned everything I was wearing except for the heels. They were shocked to find out that I had the ability to be hot but I just decide not to fulfil societies expectation of me. I took a lot of pictures with my coffee. I finished the contents but I kept the container as a prop in my pictures. When someone took a picture of me, my lips miraculously pouted and I was instantly ready to be photographed which everyone found strange.

I felt more inclined to control our group discussions. I talked about myself more. I talked to Darren, a boy I have had a crush on for a very long time but have never really spoken. I keep fiddling with my rings. One falls off while I am talking to him. He picks it up. I think I might have had lipstick on my teeth while talking to Darren. I feel like a failed female. How could I not be perfect for one moment of the day? My hair started blowing in the wind and sticking to my lip gloss and I looked like an idiot trying to control my artificial hair. I felt that I couldn’t make stupid comments anymore people expected it from the image I portrayed. I tend to dismiss people more and make rude comments. People either laugh with me or shy away. I felt more powerful today than on any other day so far. I started conversations with random individuals. I also talked to a guy named Matthew that I had been interested in for a while. I think that he was into me but I can’t be sure. I told one of my male friends that I was disappointed that no one had hit on me yet. He said that when he first saw me, he wanted to hit on me. I laughed awkwardly and walked away. I spent the night talking to someone I met on Bumble which is a dating app. I feel like I am addicted to dating apps because people respond more positively to my profiles. I felt the need go out as soon as I got home because I wanted more people to see me. I ended up staying in and updating my Instagram profile which has a very distinct aesthetic. I took inspiration from Beyoncé. I completed some work and decided to get an early night.

Thursday, 18 May 2017.

Body Intervention – Day 4.

I actually look forward to getting ready each morning. It is defiantly fun to play dress-up and doing my make-up. I decided to dress more comfortably because I had a lot of work to do. I called it, “My errand day,” Which made it seem more glamorous. Black people are more inclined to speak to me in English when I look like this. I forgot my jersey in the car and I am freezing while I make alteration to the design that I am printing. The printing man is nicer to me than he has ever been. I try to engage less in conversation with him because I don’t want him to think that I am hitting on him. Someone didn’t realise that I looked different this week and I went out of my way to point it out. I did not dress up to not be noticed for it! People are more inclined to have conversations with me. I took several pictures with my friends Ray-Ban glasses. I hashtagged the brand on Instagram. I want people to think that my lifestyle is glamorous.

I take a lot of selfies. I go out of my way to talk to people just so that they can see my appearance. Apparently I rap now. It must be because I have decided to only listen to hip-hop and black artists this week. These are the lyrics to one of the rap songs I wrote: They call me bougie 'cause I know my worth, They don't want to put in work, My hustle is my side hoe, So step aside, hoe.

Apparently, it made people cringe but I still felt so confident in who I was so it didn’t really matter what others thought. Apparently, I look more like a mean girl. One of my friends said that he would never approach me if we weren’t friends. People are more willing to ask me questions about beauty. They are surprised to find out that I am actually good at applying make-up. Numerous people ask to interview me. I still crave to be seen. I am still seeking connections. On some level, I am more lonely because I am constantly seeking validation. At the end of the day, I am tired. I want to take off this weave.

Friday, 19 May 2017.

Body intervention – Day 5.

Today was defiantly the hardest day.

I woke up early to get my work done like I normally do on a hand-in day. After a while, I started realizing that my nails didn’t allow me to use the tools that I was required to use for my Digital Media hand in. This made me anxious.

I tried to get ready quicker today as I had a lot to do. I loved what I was wearing and how I looked but my focus was on my assignment which kept falling apart because my nails made it difficult to cut things and fold aspects of my assignment. This was frustrating. I sought others for comfort. I made comments like, “I am too pretty for this.” Others agreed.

I preserved but I missed the deadline for my hand-in. I have never missed a deadline before and I was absolutely distraught. I was angry at myself for valuing my appearance over my work.

I decided to go out to blow off some steam. My friend and I went out to grab some food in a much too noisy restaurant. We decided not to drink. The first rule of not falling while wearing heels is not to drink! I felt more inclined to say hello to people I don’t necessarily speak to. Mostly I just avoid contact with people who aren’t in my immediate life. After eating, I didn’t feel like going home. I wanted more people to see me.

I wanted to be hit on. We ended up reuniting with a group of people that we used to hang out with back when we were emo. We walked to a close by bar. My friends were very aware that I was wearing heels and offered to drive us to the next bar. I said that it was fine.

I was capable of walking! The guys took shots and I took numerous selfies of us. I felt like I had the power to approve or disapprove the next plan of action. We went to another bar across the road.

When I danced, people would dance too. We went to a third bar which was a more relaxed environment. I finally felt tired. I had woken up at 2am and it was about 11pm. One of the guys we were with called me uptight. I was not impressed with his perception of me. When I got home, I updated my social media and went to be exhausted.

Saturday, 20 May 2017.

Body intervention – Day 6.

I went to an early morning meeting with my scholarship group. I felt ridiculous in my make-up and weave. I felt the need to explain that I was presenting myself this way for a project. I didn’t feel like I was taken as seriously. When my ideas were shot down, my ego was badly bruised because I had become so used to being validated. I decided to talk less. I still felt nervous making a good impression in an academic space. I didn’t want people to think I was stupid. People complimented my appearance I mostly felt uncomfortable. When I went to work, my co-workers were shocked by my appearance. Someone asked me if I had gotten a boyfriend because obviously the only reason for my improved appearance was a man. People were more inclined to listening to me. I took a lot of selfies with my co-workers which I have never really done before. I became a terrible waitress. My nails got in the way and I dropped hot plates on peoples tables but I felt less apologetic. I got great tips despite my terrible service. I wanted to go out again but I was exhausted. This week has drained me of all my energy. I look less pretty because I am so tired. I am excited to see my natural self again. My friends told me that apparently boy have been hitting on me but that I just didn’t notice. It appears that I am not the best at detecting if a guy is interested in me. Now that I think about it, even when I am not dolled up, boys still do give me attention. I think I am just generally clueless when it comes to relationships and building them with the opposite sex. I asked the guy who called me uptight if he wanted to grab coffee with me tomorrow. He said yes.

Sunday, 21 May 2017.

Body intervention – Day 7.

Today is the final day of my intervention. I decided to get ready for the day quite early. I spent a long time doing my face. It was very relaxing. After I was ready, I felt the need to go out. The man I had asked out didn’t seem as keen to go out. The plans were cancelled. Hot girls still face rejection apparently. I was disappointed. My brother came over for brunch. I did not eat like a lady. In fact I noticed that I had eaten worse food this week that I had eaten in a long time. It is almost as if I was having a melt down and I kept eating comfort food in order to feel better about myself. After eating, I took more selfies and I got ready for church. Normally I got ready very last minute but today I was incredibly early. I created an Instagram Story explaining that regardless of what I looked like, I would love myself. I said that I had found the intervention fun and that I might start wearing make-up more often. I explained that people seemed to value me more due to fabricated exterior which made me pessimistic. Society makes me angry because it values superficiality over ones abilities. I thanked the people who made comments like, “I prefer the old Bernice.” I appreciate those people because they know the core of who I am. I am afraid of not being societies beauty idea anymore. I really did enjoy the assignment but even though I felt accepted, I did not completely love the person I had become. I went to church I heels which felt strange. I felt over-dress. I felt like one of my down to earth friends avoided me. I felt like one of the men at church that I was attracted to actually noticed me. I took selfies with some of my church friends which rarely happens. I asked someone to take a picture of me. I felt awkward. I left church. I arrived home. My mother cut off my weave. It felt so nice to feel my scalp again. I missed my hair. I am so excited to wash it.

I wiped off my make-up. I am not society’s definition of pretty anymore but it feels so good to look like myself again.