Volume XV, Issue Nien
April 1, 2012
the student portside forum Extra! Extra!
She’s a Rockstar, Literally
Scripps No Longer Accepting Only Women
By Earnest Eleanor
Staff Writer
President Lori BettisonVarga shares her extensive (and secret) geologic collection, legitimizing the right to geek out over rocks.
We Can No Longer Drink Illegally The California government last night defied Federal Law by changing the drinking age to 18. Now, college students across the state rejoice and set the precedent for other states’ students to rally for the change.
The Squirrels Win
In a startling turn of events, President of Scripps College Lori Bettison-Varga recently announced that Scripps will begin to transition to a co-educational institution. The shift to allow women and men into the college has been a long time coming, notes one faculty member who preferred not to be named. “The fact of the matter is that Scripps can’t afford to keep membership banned from men,” the faculty member explained. Due to the extreme economic recession that the country has undergone in the past few years, the college can no longer afford to keep its enrollment so low. By offering a place for men on campus, Scripps can double enrollment. However, the transition will be taken slowly, with only 100 slots for men in academic year 2013-14. With such a high selectivity rate, administrators also hope to improve score averages by only taking the most elite men in the country. Acceptance of men to Scripps will also come with larger changes. Wilbur Hall will officially house all male students until an equal number
of male and female students are admitted to the college, in which case the residence halls will become gender neutral. In addition, both men and women wishing to apply to the college will have to write a supplementary essay about the accomplishments of women to show their dedication to the college’s mission. Classes offered at Scripps will also be tailored to fit the incoming male first-years, with a focus on the accomplishment of men throughout the centuries (a subject hopelessly ignored) in their first three semesters, following along a similar Core-humanities track. Men who previously have been left searching in the dark for history classes about male accomplishments will now have a safe haven at Scripps. Although some welcome the change to the student body, not all Scripps women are pleased with the transformation of Claremont’s women’s institution. “If we protested over some olive trees getting ripped out,” one student said, “Why do they think we won’t protest this?”
bama to Speak at Commencement Scripps officials, ceding to a squirrel takeover, have decided to change our school’s mascot to Suzie Q. Squirrel. Now, instead of the Goddess of War, we’ll have food-stealing rodents on our T-shirts.
Motley, Starbucks, Some Crust In a devastating turn of events, the Motley management has been bought out by Starbucks. No more shall college students be running our beloved coffeehouse. However, in a bizarre twist, Starbucks was yesterday bought out by Some Crust Bakery. So get ready for egg sliders on campus and on every metropolitan street corner.
By Artist formerly known as
This Sunday, Scripps College President Lori Bettison-Varga has confirmed that. President of the United States Barack Obama will be replacing Zainab Salbi as commencement speaker. Based on a decision reached collaboratively between Presidents Bettison-Varga and Obama, and agreed upon as “the best possible decision for all concerned” by Salbi. According to the White House press release on the matter, Obama has decided that he can “only grace the best of women’s colleges [with his presence]” and as a result has decided to revoke his original decision to speak at Barnard College, instead speaking at the best women’s college in the nation: Scripps. Salbi, though extremely qualified as a commencement speaker for a women’s college due to her active involvement in women’s issues, was ousted from her position as speaker with a terse and excited e-mail from the College, reading “Got Obama to replace you as speaker. Were really excited for you to come and everything, but OBAMA, man! Obama. Thanks anyway!” Salbi graciously conceded to be replaced by a more publicitygarnering, though less qualified speaker. Obama’s lack of an extensive background in women’s issues will make his speech much less inspiring, and much less relevant. Obama is known to be a horrible public speaker, and his strange cadences and lackluster rhetoric will likely put the entire graduating class of 2012 (and their families) to sleep. This change in speaker is clearly a ploy for publicity, a fact that Scripps College and the White House have both conceded. Said Obama, “Of course they only want me because I’m the President of these United States of America. But I am honored and humbled just
for the magnificent opportunity to visit Scripps. Yes, I do feel guilty about replacing Salbi, and about backing out of my agreement with Barnard. But SCRIPPS, man! Scripps.” “I apologize on behalf of Scripps College for this devastating change of events,” said a representative from the Scripps College Public Relations department. “Obama just really wanted to get some national recognition by coming to Scripps, and it’s not like you can just say no to a president. We’ll try to get him to keep it short.” In spite of these words of comfort, Scripps seniors are in an uproar in the wake of Sunday’s announcement. “I’m extremely upset,” said one Scripps senior, who tearily declined to be identified by name. “Obama doesn’t even have a vagina, so it’s not appropriate for him to be speaking at a women’s college.” “Really, if you don’t have a vagina you shouldn’t be allowed on campus,” added The Scripps Voice Sex Columnist, SHE. “I would like to see that birth certificate again. Does it say ‘vagina-possessor’ anywhere on it?” Though many anticipate that Obama’s arrival on campus will overshadow the seniors’ exit, President Bettison-Varga assures students that this will not be the case. Nothing could possibly overshadow a Scripps College Graduation. Ever. Though many might say that a public figure as eminent as the President of the United States might garner some positive publicity for the institution, Obama will in fact be bringing shame to Scripps College and to feminism in general. The theme for President Obama’s commencement speech will be “You Girls Look So Pretty in Sea-Foam Green, Good Luck Finding Jobs! Eff Yeah, America!”
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