Registration Remedies

By Belen Yudess ’25 Social Media Manager

Even though many students identify room draw and course selection as the most Toll-ing time of the year, I’m here to turn your frown upsideBrowning! Whether you’re frantically PERMing into a GE requirement as a Senior or Schow-ering potential doubles with your friends, here a few puns that Wilbur sillier than a 2:30 registration time!

Why should you not play Uno when registering for classes on the Scripps portal?

• Because if it sees the reverse card, it’s going to freak out (NEVER PRESS THE REVERSE BUTTON!)

Which book did ResLife recommend as a fun summer reading activity?

• A [Gabrielle-Junglers] Winkle in time jarring and may be filled with difficult emotions for many members of our — oh, who am I fucking kidding? Embrace it! Scripps is going through presidents faster than the Motley rejects barista applications. I could do this all day. Scripps is going through presidents faster than a Latin American country nationalizing its oil supply. Scripps is doing regime change faster than your local nonbinary hallmates go through polycule partners. Scripps is going through presidents even faster than SAS does. Scripps is going through presidents faster than Taylor Swift goes through boyfr — oh, does that make you mad? DOES THAT MAKE YOU FUCKING MAD???

You people are so miserable. Did you know that? Coming to Scripps, I quickly discovered that when Fox News hosts got their panties in a twist about blue-haired and pronoun-having psychopaths majoring in interpretive dance, they were actually talking about Scripps, a place where Gabby Giffords is #problematic and a couple unironically does the “Is This Allowed??” pose in the Dorsey first floor hallway biweekly. Thank fucking God the dining hall staff didn’t try to unionize while I was here. Can you imagine the student protests where a lady with triangle hair is the villain? At least Strom Thacker over at Pitzer looks like he had sprung fully formed out of Jeff Bezos’s skull. I would just look like fucking Edna Mode.

Effective immediately, Scripps will be returning to Socialism with Marcus-Newhall Characteristics. The Board got together on its annual ayahuasca retreat at the peak of Mount Baldy, and by unanimous vote, decided to live up to its feminist bonafides by actually giving the job (and exorbitant pay) to the woman who had been doing the job all along. Students can expect a seamless transition of power: never fear, Amelia Mbedelia-Newhall will ensure you suffer through three failed suites and lose a friendship to room draw; she will take the very last spot in the class you need to graduate and take away Saturday brunch acai for good measure.

Feel free to speculate if I embezzled money, ate salad with a hair comb, am a defendant in a racial discrimination lawsuit at Hamilton College, or was covering up the world’s most boring sex scandal. The Nazi statue is officially someone else’s problem.

Out of community,

Suzanne Keen

Crossword Answers

How do students who choose to live off-campus celebrate this decision?

CC-yAy! (Thank you to Aviva Maxon ’24 for the brainstorming assistance!)

For students who aren’t Keen (too soon?) on this placement:

CC-nAy

How do you move your mini-fridge onto the third floor of Froutt (#1 Froutt fan)?

You Duo-Push it up the stairs

What is the real reason English majors take British Literature?

For the Prakas requirement! (shout-out to the Pitzer Praxis

G.E. for inspiration!)

Hopefully these carefully Corerated puns weren’t to Clark-ed full of corniness! I wish you all a happy and healthy room draw and course selection and urge you to Revelle in the fact that you are almost done with the semester!

Down

1. Leslie Knope

2. The Office

3. legendary

4. Community

5. Trust

6. That Show

8. Modern Family

9. banana

11. Brooklyn

13. How I Met Your Mother

16. Saved By the Bell

17. Rock

18. Blackish

22. Dunder Mifflin

23. True American

25. TGS

26. way

27. Poppop

Across

7. Full House

10. Arrested Development

12. New Girl

14. Johnson Family

15. Halloween

19. Abbott Elementary

20. I Love Lucy

21. Morning

24. Quinta Brunson

27. Parks and Rec

28. Friends

29. Sofia Vergara