New Note

Fatuma Mohamed

5:24 PM

As I type, I’m walking down a sidewalk two blocks from my home. It’s October, I’m on a walk, and I’m typing on my notes app. Angela, my therapist, said I should go for a walk, and describe what I see. So here I am, an hour before my online therapy session, walking.

I wasn’t going to do this at first. It sounded dumb. I can’t help but think I’m wasting my time out here. But I can’t bear to see her face fall an hour from now when I tell her I didn’t do the dumb exercise.

So, here we go.

It’s cold. The air is thick, and damp. There are pin prick needles of cold air poking my nose. The puffs of white smoke my breath becomes after every exhale is mesmerizing.

I can’t remember the last time I actively inhaled air.

I always preferred the cold. Curling up on the couch with a blanket, and my tablet. Watching the snow fall, and drawing for hours. There’s always music in the background. My voice isn’t great, so I don’t sing along. But I hum. And I whisper the words. Too afraid to break the comforting silence.

It’s been three minutes, but my fingers are already numbing. I’m stumbling over keys getting this down on the page. Thank God for autocorrect.

God. .god.

But then again, maybe not.

I’m purposefully stepping on the leaves that aren’t even blocking my path. I like the crunch they make under my boots. Sometimes though, I’ll step on one I think will be extra crunchy, and it just bends under my shoe. I know there’s a metaphor in there somewhere. But I’m too tired to sort it out.

Or maybe I’m just not as creative as I think I am. Lord, what am I doing out here?

The sun is setting.

I’m not going to be one of those fake deep people that say something like the stars will illuminate my path, or whatever. I do think you meet interesting people in the dark.

And just as I say that, what a coincidence, there are two familiar strangers approaching me. I say familiar because I’ve seen them before, but I’m usually driving by, too sleep deprived to think, and a scowl flittering my features. I say strangers because, well, I don’t really know them. It’s an old woman, and an old man with their dogs on leashes.

I wish I could name dog breeds. All I can tell you is what I see, and all I see are two black dogs.

Once upon a time, I would have crossed the street. Gone on the grass to avoid them. Not now though. I can’t really tell you why.

We exchanged greetings. The good ol’ American smile, and wave. They seem nice. I think this is the first time they’ve ever actually seen me. I’m a new addition to their world. Even if they’ve always been constant side characters in mine.

Side characters. Wow. How arrogant. Can’t believe I actually typed that. Ew. Wait, let me try again.

—in mine.

That’s better.

Okay. I think I’ve done enough walking. And I officially cannot feel my fingers–thank you Angela. My meeting starts in thirty. Time to turn back.

6:31 PM

Update: Angela’s face didn’t fall.