The Collagen 2016

Single Issue - Free

Wednesday, March 32, 2016

sdsucollegian.com

NOTHING IN THIS ISSUE IS TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY

Getting a second chance at fame The Iron Chicoines are bringing back the best of the 80’s MIKE HUNT Professional Bodybuilder President David Chicoine revealed the real reason he is leaving South Dakota State University—to pursue his lifelong dream of being a singer in an 80’s hair band.

“I feel like I’ve been leading a double life,” Chicoine said. “I couldn’t stand it anymore, and I had to let my wild side free.”

Chicoine has been the lead vocalist and guitarist of the 80’s hair band, Iron Chicoines, since 1984. But during that time, their music was not appreciated. Rolling Stone Magazine called them “possibly the worst thing that has every happened to music.”

However, Chicoine feels this time around, the band will have more success.

“People don’t always appreciate creative masterpieces right in front of them,” Chicoine said. “It’s like Van Gogh—he didn’t get any recognition until he died. I like to call myself the Van Gogh of music, but I’m not planning on cutting off an ear, I don’t paint and I’m just hoping to get the fame before I die. So, Van Gogh but not Van Gogh, you know?”

Chicoine said the band will have a new band member, Dolly Parton, who he hopes will spice up their old act.

“Dolly has an incredible set of pipes on her,” Chicoine said. “I think her voice combined with mine and some gnarly drum solos will be a fantastic sound—something that the fans are bound to go crazy for.”

Parton is also excited to be making new music.

“I’ve always been such a fan of the music Heart released in the 80’s,” Parton said. “In this album, I’m really drawing inspiration from them, and I only hope to aspire to their level of greatness someday.”

Parton said the genre change has been somewhat Chicoine difficult for her, but has no Vocals and Guitar doubts that the fans are going to love the album.

“I think every artist reaches a point in their life where they want to try something new,” Parton said. “Look at Bon Jovi. They started out as an 80’s hair band and then dipped into country music a little bit when they produced a song with Jennifer Nettles. If they can do it, so can I.” The band plans to release a new album titled “A Drop From the Bowl of Lust” in June and then go on a tour around the coun-

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People don’t always appreciate creative masterpieces right in front of them.

Mike Hunt• The Collagen

President Chicoine has decided its time to end the lies and has opened up about his rock’n’roll life. He is leaving SDSU to pursue this dream more fully.

try starting in July. The band has booked the Denny Sanford Premier Center in Sioux Falls July 15, so local fans will be able to come out and support them as well.

“I’m excited to see what they’re new album brings,” Axl Rose, lead vocalist from Guns N’ Roses. “I think it’s a valiant effort trying to bring the 80’s back.”

Rose has been good friends with Chicoine ever since they played Madison Square Garden in New York during the summer of 1987.

“Axl has always been a role model to me,” Chicoine said. “He is basically everything I aspire to be in life. There was actually a time when Axl considered replacing the drummer with me.”

President Chicoine has begun growing his hair out for the summer tour dates.

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March 32, 2016

SDSU Daily “Crime” Log 3.26.16 • 5:07 a.m. @ Spencer Hall.

Peeking in the Bathrooms.

3.27.16 • 11:08 p.m. @ Your Mom’s House. Illegal Cougar Hunting.

3.28.16 • 6:29 p.m. @ Ben Reifel Hall. Pretty Awesome Theft.

3.30.16 • 2:10 p.m. @ The Union. Public Indecency.

• 10:25 p.m. @ Your Pants. Crazy Partying.

• 11:15 p.m. @ Spencer Hall.

2 Uncommon Nuisances.

4.1.16 • 2:32 p.m. @ Pierson Hall. Poss. of some Pretty Dank Weed 4.2.16 • 1:48 a.m. @ Seattle Grace Hospital.

Multiple Accounts of Heartbreak.

• 4:07 a.m. @ Celta Dhi House. Electric Chair Incedent.

4.4.16 • 11:01 p.m. @ Larson Commons.

Feelings Hurt over a game of Chutes n’ Ladders because Alan is a Cheating Jerk who NO ONE LIKES.

Second Page

The Collagen • Fake News sdsucollegian.com

Union confrontation prove men don’t understand women FANNY FEMINIST Gender Correspondent The University Police Department reported a disagreement in The Union Tuesday.

The reason for the argument – the male involved in the disagreement did not notice the female he was talking with was upset.

The argument did not escalate and no one else was involved in the confrontation.

The couple received a warning.

“I didn’t realize we were having an argument until she started yelling,” said Oliver Oblivious, a freshman biology major.

The female student involved in the argument said Oblivious should have realized they were having an argument.

“I’m so frustrated because I told him we were having an argument,” said Missy Misunderstood, sophomore English major.

“I said very clearly ‘Oliver, I can’t believe we’re arguing about this.’ How did he not know we were arguing? How?” Sig Freud, the head of the Psychology Department, said this is a common situation. Men and women have different ways of conveying their emotions. Men need to

be told exactly what is wrong and what they did. Women are able to sense when something is wrong without being told.

“There have been plenty of male students who have asked me for a way to know when a woman is upset,” Freud said.

“I wish I knew when my wife is upset. That would make life a whole lot simpler.”

Students surrounding Misunderstood and Oblivious had mixed reactions to the situation.

Happy Harry, a junior global studies major, was sitting at the table when the couple started their argument. “[Oliver and Missy] are my best friends, but they argue about some of the most ridiculous things,” Harry said. “It’s pretty entertaining when they start to argue because Missy starts to get red in the face and makes really, really big gestures with her arms and Oliver still doesn’t notice.”

Freshman undecided major, Tom Timid said the incident was traumatizing. He neglected to comment on the incident due to being overwhelmed by the topic they were arguing about.

Many students have been wondering,

what was the couple arguing about? Bagels.

“I asked him what kind of bagel he wanted and all he said was that I should make all the decisions,” Misunderstood said. “All I asked was what type of bagel he wanted. All he had to say was blueberry, plain or chocolate chip—but no—he couldn’t give me a real answer.”

Connor Cop UPD officer, who took care of this situation, stated this was one of the most memorable incidents he has had the pleasure of taking care of.

“It was pretty obvious she was upset, but the male participant had no idea,” Cop said. “Poor guy. We’ve all been there at one time.”

Throughout the situation, Oblivious continued to ask Misunderstood what turned their “discussion,” as he called it, an argument. This question caused her to leave.

“I am so confused,” Oblivious said.

“I just didn’t care what kind of bagel she got. Thinking back, maybe I should have thought about my wording a little bit.

But we were talking about bagels. I didn’t think it was a big deal.”

Wumbology: New area of study coming to SDSU LANCE DUMAS Extreme Cup Stacker When I first asked Mr. Doctor Professor Patrick about the new field of study he was bringing to South Dakota State University, he replied by saying, “I wumbo. You wumbo. He- she- me... wumbo. Wumboed; Wumboing; We’ll have thee wumbo; Wumborama; Wumbology; the study of Wumbo.”

While this quote confused me and many others, everyone is ecstatic about the new field of Wumbology coming to SDSU. Mr. Doctor Professor Patrick first discovered the field of Wumbology back in season 3, but he is now ready to bring it to the world and to begin teaching anyone who wants to be challenged by this field.

While many people are excited about this new field, not many people seem to know

what it is exactly. Junior mathematics major Bill Fagerbakke is really stumped by this new, exciting field of study.

“I honestly have no idea what Wumbology is,” Fagerbakke said. “I think it has something to do with making things big? I don’t know, but it is a cool reference, so I will probably go check out the classes.”

Despite his confusion, Fagerbakke is correct in his thinking. Wumbology is the study of wumbo, and wumbo means “to enlarge.” With the kind of technology that this field can create, it could potentially alter the world forever. Mr. Doctor Professor Patrick’s assistant, Tom Kenny, is extremely excited about Wumbology.

“I have been close acquaintances with Mr. Doctor Professor Patrick for a very long time, and I am thrilled to finally get the chance to show our work

to the world,” Kenny said. “The thought of being able to enlarge anything I want is super exciting!”

Others do not share Kenny’s enthusiasm for Wumbology, however. Some think that it is completely ridiculous, and do not even believe it is a real word.

“Wumbology? That is not a real thing. That sounds like it came from a children’s cartoon,” said Mark Fisher, a senior advertising major. “Honestly, Wumbology sounds like a word that will just stay around forever because whenever someone says it, they will be hit with nostalgia. It is stupid.”

Word got back to Mr. Doctor Professor Patrick about people calling Wumbology stupid, and in reply he said, “Well it may be stupid, but it’s also dumb.”

On top of some people being confused about this new area of

study, some question Mr. Doctor Professor Patrick’s capability for teaching in such a field.

Some say that he is not the best man for the job, or that it seems like he is just trying to stay relevant for as long as possible.

Mr. Doctor Professor Patrick is saddened when he hears people say this, for he claims that his thinking is just too complex for the normal mind to comprehend.

“The inner machinations of my mind are an enigma,” Mr. Doctor Professor Patrick said.

Regardless of the confusion and the misunderstanding, Wumbology is still coming to SDSU, and it will most likely prove to be an intriguing field of study, regardless of the little inconveniences that it might bring.

March 32, 2016

The Collagen • Fake News

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Squirrels vs. Rabbits: The never ending war

Submitted Photos

LANCE DUMAS Extreme Cup Stacker The sun rises over South Dakota State University every day, but what it reveals some mornings is more sickening than others.

On the morning of April 1, the sun revealed the results of one of the most gruesome battles yet that took place between the Squirrels and Rabbits of SDSU. Blood and fur covered the Rotunda Green, and the casualties from this battle are yet to be announced, though they are expected to be in the thousands.

“It makes me sick to see what these animals are doing to each other,” senior student Isaac Grover said.

“This bloodshed needs to end.”

Few know the story as to why this war started 69 years ago. Superior Director of All Things Historical Regarding Squirrels and Rabbits Daisy Normus was able to provide some insight as to why this war continues to rage.

“In 1947, an arranged marriage between Duke Scrumpy of the Squirrels and Princess Kidobump of the Rabbits was set to happen,” Normus said, “However, the night before the wedding, Princess Kidobump’s jealous lover, Poffadoken, mauled Duke Scrumpy, killing him out of an act of love.”

Since that fateful night, the Squirrels and Rabbits

have been mowing each other down, trying to gain the upper hand in the war. The Rabbits and Squirrels no longer fight over the Arranged Marriage Scandal of 1947; their war has now become more of a power struggle than anything.

When asked if this was indeed the case, General Scruff-Al of the Squirrels said, “What happened in 1947 was heinous and it makes me sick, but now it is about conquering SDSU. We want those White Demons out of our sight.”

King Hopperdasher of the Rabbits sees the war differently from how General Scruff-Al sees it. King Hopperdasher actually seeks peace among the two animal kingdoms.

“I hang my button nose in shame for what Poffadoken did back in 1947, but I wish to put the past behind us. I know we can find peace in this chaotic world,” King Hopperdasher said.

Even though King Hopperdasher has made many offers and propositions to the Squirrels for peace, the Squirrels refuse to stop their efforts.

“I don’t trust a word that comes from that silly king. We will keep attacking until there are no more White Demons,” General Scruff-Al said.

However, the Squirrels do not realize what the war is doing to the SDSU campus.

Freshman ecology student Carly Johnson shared

her fears about the war.

“I had no idea a war was raging at SDSU before I came here. I am terrified to go outside,” she said. “I do not want to be caught in any crossfire.”

Not only does this war scare the bejeezus out of people, but it is also destroying campus greens and buildings.

“I heard that whenever a new building is built on campus, it is because the old one was destroyed in the war,” Grover said, “but the administration would never admit that. They are too embarrassed to do so.”

Despite the student and faculty’s concerns, the administration at SDSU just cannot compete with the military forces of the Squirrels and Rabbits. Countless attempts to stop the war have all resulted in failure.

“Those silly Two-Legs can’t stop us. Nothing can,” General Scruff-Al said.

Despite all the massacre and destruction the war has brought, neither side is showing any sign of quitting. One side wants to conquer and the other wants peace. When it comes to the renowned stubbornness of Squirrels and Rabbits, this war is a perfect example.

These two animal kingdoms seem to be trapped in a never-ending war, a war that may eventually be the end of the two species at SDSU.

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March 32, 2016

Opinion The Collagen • Fake News

sdsucollegian.com

Editor’s Note: The Opinion Editor is on strike this week.

(But it’s okay, nobody cares about the opinion section anyway.)

March 32, 2016

The Collagen • Fake News

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Underworld entrance found in Rotunda University officials believe 6 missing students are linked to the newlyfound passageway, officials kind of scared PERSEPHONE OF HOUSE SLARK Intern Students at South Dakota State can now use the phrase ‘go to hell’ literally.

An extensive search of the Rotunda revealed a secret gate to the Underworld, more commonly known as the Gates of Hell.

The secret gate was found in the second stall of the women’s bathroom, which has been labeled out of order for five weeks, according to Ron Fallis, assistant vice president of safety and security at SDSU. Investigators discovered the entrance after six students were reported missing over the past five weeks. All of them were last seen having class in the Rotunda.

“Coincidence? I think not,” Fallis said.

“We have reasonable suspicion to believe that each of these six students have some connection to the secret gate to the Underworld our team found.”

Of the six students missing, four of them are female, two are male. All of them are freshmen on campus with classes scheduled in the Rotunda.

Each of them were last seen in the Rotunda either before or after their class.

Fallis is confident in his team that they can find the missing students and shut down the gate to the Underworld by the end of the week.

But can people return from the Underworld?

According to Jimmy James, Greek mythology professor and avid reader of the Percy Jackson series, it is possible for people to return from the Underworld, as long as they were just visiting.

“If you decided to just take a stroll to the Underworld, you should be able to return. But if you were sent there unwillingly, that’s another story,” James said.

A team of three university police officers and two student officers will make the journey into the underworld to find the missing students. While there, the officers will assess the danger that this portal could present and if they need to close the entrance.

James said the Underworld spans far

and wide and it is ruled by the Greek god Hades.

“According to my studies, it is where a person’s soul goes after they die. It is sometimes called the afterlife,” James said. “But it’s really big. Those students could be anywhere. But I think they’re OK. They probably got a little touristy.”

When James said “touristy,” he meant they were “caught up in the moment” and began to check out the entire Underworld.

Lily Moscovitz, mother of missing student Jake Moscovitz, said she is not worried about Jake’s safety. He is known to get a little “touristy” now and then.

“He’ll come back soon. This is just like when we took a family trip to Egypt. He went to check out some of the pyramids and we didn’t see him for three weeks,” Moscovitz said. “It’ll be OK. He usually brings us a souvenir.”

She added that when he came back from his adventure in the pyramids, he brought them wrappings from one of the mummified bodies -- and they have it displayed on a mantle at home.

Moscovitz, along with the rest of the missing students’ parents are not worried about their children’s safety. They have faith in Fallis and the University Police Department.

“I know they’ll bring my baby home,” said mother Jane Cooper. “My daughter probably just needed a break from her studies, discovered this cool passage and went for it. It probably looked like a beach to her. If it was hot and sandy, she just wanted to chill out.”

According to Fallis, once the officers return they will determine what to do with the newly discovered passageway.

“If our officers come back and say this is a threat to students’ safety, then we will obviously shut it down. But if they come back with a sun-kissed tan and a smile on their face, we might be able to keep it open,” Fallis said. “This could be a great opportunity for the University.”

The UPD and Brookings Police Department will be investigating the entrance to the Underworld. Fallis said no federal units will be called in.

PERSEPHONE OF HOUSE SLARK• The Collegian

Students and faculty are both terrified and fascinated about this new discover in the Rotunda. Many claim it actually makes South Dakota interesting.

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March 32, 2016

The Collagen • Fake Lifestyles

sdsucollegian.com

CrapCorner the

DIY Project: Cardboard house for your future (because we're all going to be broke) MACK-A-DOODLE-BUBER-BOOTES-DWARF Resident Pinterest Expert

According to the latest Forbes survey, a not-so-surprising 95 percent of college graduates live in a box because they cannot afford to rent any other living space. The other five percent said they were able to afford a place to live, but we’re assuming they’re just living with their parents.

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This tutorial will show you the best way to prepare a cardboard house after you graduate while managing to remain slightly sane. This is the only possible solution until you solve how to get enough experience without actually being hired to an entry level position because you don’t have enough experience. Ew.

Instructions:

1. Go home and ask your mom and dad for the box holding all your childhood belongings.

2. Take the box and dump all your belongings on the ground as a representation of how those simple days are over now.

3. Sing a dramatic rendition of Twenty One Pilots “Stressed Out” as you walk out of your house.

4. Set your box in an ally with average foot traffic. Smash the box until you no longer feel emotions.

5. Lay inside the box as you contemplate your choice to major in the liberal arts.

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Look in next year’s Collagen for a special box-making Crap Corner for graduating engineers!

Retrieved from: http://goodnessknowswhere.org/ becausethis/isalegit/reliablewebsite MACK-A-DOODLE-BUBER-BOTES-DWARF • The Collagen

A step-by-step visual guide on how to build your very own box home. Note the feelings of dejection and failure.

March 32, 2016

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The Collagen • Fake Lifestyles

Freshman 15: solution or acceptance? Not a life sentence FILET MINYON Potato Chip Enthusiast In years past, freshmen have been warned about the unexpected twist in the life, but they never thought it could happen to them.

But suddenly, stairs became harder, food became more delicious and Chickfil-A’s lines stretched out the doors. It’s as if every freshman’s life had been introduced to something other than mom’s cooking.

It’s here, it’s real and it’s not a drill.

This Freshman 15 has no chill.

Scientists are trying to track the direct source for this outbreak, but have found no luck. However, Dr. Doofenshmirtz may hold the only solution.

“Most students their freshman year of college cannot seem to understand why they put on weight, but the solution is simple,” he said. “I have discovered an

anecdote to save all freshman students’ self-esteem everywhere.”

The secret elixir has been in his family for decades, magically curing this horrible outbreak of the Freshman 15. The potion, titled GeToffyOurbutt, pumps adrenaline directly into the bloodstream, forcing students to cartwheel their entire way to class, attend zumba as well as kickboxing classes multiple times a day and eat nothing but lettuce and melted ice.

Doofenschmirtz plans to sell the potion to students on campuses across the United States.

“Kids will pay a lot of money to feel confident, so I’m planning to up the price to a very attainable level,” he said.

His estimated price ranges from 300 ounces of human tears to 500 paintings of Adele.

Dr. StoPeâtingjünk, a french explorer, has searched the ends of the Earth

for the special ingredients to make his own version of GeToffyOurass, but cannot locate the final and most elaborate element.

“The basic components include three shots of Rum-tOtHegym, a dash of WakeuPBEforenoön and the world’s finest bundle of Commonsense. However, I cannot seem to find the last one. It’s a terrible shame to have come so close, yet be so far from success,” StoPeâtingjünk said.

He also mentioned that he’s been trying to locate Commonsense almost his entire life.

However, not everyone has the time or the amount of experience as StoPeâtingjünk. Freshman lightbulb major, Ima Luzer, claims she avoids the Freshman 15 by watching Netflix instead of eating lunch.

“I feel that it helps motivate me in my studies,” Luzer said. “If I’m focus-

ing my time on something other than this epidemic, I can focus my priorities where they need to be.”

Luzer said she’s currently watched every season of “Grey’s Anatomy,” “How I Met Your Mother,” “Parks and Recreation,” “The Office” and “Cupcake Wars” since the beginning of freshman year, but she plans to take it one step further.

“My ultimate goal is to watch three more series by the end of the year,” she said. “Even if I have to skip classes for it.

I’m very dedicated to this lifestyle.”

Whatever approach is taken to avoid the Freshman 15, it is important to realize that, for most students, it is inevitable and cannot be controlled. What we can control is body positivity, and realizing that, in the words of Christina Aguilera, we are beautiful, no matter what they say.

‘The most mundane, tasteless thing’ New discovery in rutabagas could be linked to athletic excellence DICK FELT Supreme Leader “Superfood” has been a big buzzword recently. Everything from apples, eggs and blueberries to shiitake mushrooms have been given unofficial knighthood by the Whole Foods culture. But recent studies have shown that a new food might be a member of this prestigious club, however, it’s probably not something you have in your kitchen at the moment.

The once lowly rutabaga finds itself rising to new heights as the diet of NBA journeyman Boris Diaw has revealed his secret to maintaining his health and effectiveness 13 years into his NBA career.

“Honestly, I don’t remember the last time I had a meal that wasn’t primarily rutabagas,” Diaw said recently. “I began eating them in France, and always found that I had the energy necessary to play all out every minute I was on the court.”

After a stint in the French Basketball Association, Diaw broke into the NBA in 2003 after being drafted by the Atlanta Hawks. He was seen as a small forward when he entered the league, but now playing for the San Antonio Spurs, he is listed as a center.

At 33 years old and listed at 6-foot-8, he is a bit undersized for a big man, but he has found a way to scamper up and down the court with younger players with an evolving skill set and the energy that he attributes to a nearly all rutabaga diet.

“I’ve missed very few games in my career, and I can’t help but think that eating right is a big piece of that,” Diaw said.

“And eating right means eating rutabagas to me.”

The science supporting rutabagas as a healthy, although unsavory, source of energy has long been supported, but recently a discovery in a lab may back up Diaw’s attribution of his overall health to the rutabaga.

Dr. Hanzel Jaminson, a world leader in chemistry and who is known for his disdain for the field of nutrition, was the unlikely discoverer.

“I got so sick of hearing people talk about superfoods, I decided to try and prove that even the most mundane, tasteless thing I pulled from the ground could be considered super,” Jaminson said.

He set out to show that a rutabaga had what he called the “necessary ratio” to be a superfood in the eyes of people he called “worthless liberal hippies.” What he discovered was that the rutabaga contained something he had never before seen.

“We’re in the true infancy stages with this, but right now I’m referring to it as ‘Nutrient X’,” Jaminson said.

Jaminson and his team have yet to determine if it is a vitamin, mineral or something new altogether, but he does see a huge potential for its uses.

“In limited testing, we’ve seen lab subjects experience improved health and physical performance when given isolated, high dosage amounts of ‘Nutri-

SUBMITTED PHOTO

ent X,’” Jaminson said. “I could honestly see this as being the key to curing cancer.”

While the dosage used in the lab test is essentially the same amount of “Nutrient X” that one would get if they consumed 567 rutabagas in a 12-minute period, Jaminson believes that Diaw’s case may be one that shows that the effects can possibly be

built up over time to keep people healthy.

Diaw said he hopes other players take notice of the positive effects of rutabagas on him and the science behind it, but also said he knew the all rutabaga diet would be met with resistance as discussion ended with him staring longingly at a T.G.I. Fridays.

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The Collagen • Fake Sports

March 32, 2016

sdsucollegian.com

Not in my ‘Murica! Wentz actually Canadian ESTEBAN JULIO RICARDO MONTOYA DE LA ROSA RAMIREZ Bell Hop “What’s your business in Canada, eh?”

Leo from the hit television sitcom “That 70’s Show” asked the important questions for a reason.

He was weary of Canadians and everything they stand for, which makes this year’s NFL Draft even more intriguing.

Former North Dakota State quarterback Carson Wentz must now deal with these types of questions and American insecurities from fans and scouts across the NFL as it was revealed on Monday that Wentz is a natural-born Canadian.

Though his official bio lists him original hailing from Bismark, North Dakota, state officials confirmed the Collagen’s suspicions of Wentz’ nationality. North Dakota officials released information that supports the claim that Wentz’s parents “snuck” across the border in the early 1994 when Carson was a toddler and never officially became citizens of the United States, making Wentz an official Canadian.

“This is a huge scandal at the

worst possible time,” Dallas Cowboys fan Sebastian Cameron said.

Wentz has been projected to be the newest Cowboy when Dallas is on the clock with the No. 4 overall pick on April 28.

Wentz led NDSU to two of their five-straight FCS national titles, passing for over 4,700 yards and 42 touchdowns in just 24 games as the starting quarterback.

“It’s one thing to be coming off of an injury,” said online NFL blogging scout Skip Jardine, “but now he has to deal with being a Canadian. The system is working against him right now.”

Wentz missed most of last season with a wrist injury, resulting in him seeing action in just six games, one of which was the 37-10 national championship victory over Jacksonville State. He continued to impress at this year’s Senior Bowl, resulting in his draft stock skyrocketing despite his limited action as a starting quarterback.

Ninety-eight players originally born in Canada have seen action in the NFL since its inception, so it’s not unheard of for a northern invasion on the gridiron. However, only three Canadian quarterbacks have ever played in the NFL, none of them lasted more

than six years in the league.

“Wentz already had to deal with the FCS stigma, but adding this to it makes things even worse,” Bison fan Corbin Owens said. “I love Carson, but had I known he was Canadian while he was here, I never would’ve been a fan of his. You can’t support a Canadian.”

Since news of the Wentz’s ancestors broke, mock drafts have dropped the former Bison quarterback from a potential first round pick to a sixth round prospect, some leaving him off their draft boards all together.

Gilbert Francis, who runs a highly respected Twitter account, said Wentz is virtually untouchable until “we see his papers.”

Some liken it to Donald Trump demanding to see Ted Cruz’s documentation, but Cruz was never asked to win the Super Bowl.

Family attorneys denied requests for comment from the Collagen and Wentz could not be reached for comment. NFL commissioner Roger Goodell was scheduled for a phone interview with The Collagen but was occupied with another meeting about the New England Patriots and was unable to be featured in this piece before publication.

DICK FELT • The Collagen

After seemingly acing many of his predraft activites, Wentz now faces uncomfortable questions about his citizenship, and why he hid it.

Wentz starred for the Bison for two years and was beloved by Bison fans, but after his true ancestry has been revealed, some seem to be disowning him.

DICK FELT • The Collagen