In Praise of Praise

A little praise now and then makes us feel appreciated, boosts our feel-good hormones, and increases our motivation. Praising children can inspire them to be more persistent and co-operative.

‘Spare the rod and spoil the child’ is a phrase I heard often growing up. My father’s concern that if he praised me too much I would become full of myself, or overconfident meant that praise was in short supply in our house. It led to feelings of inadequacy and a tendency to seek approval and people-please.

Recent studies on the brain indicate that we respond to social approval positively and that praise is important for a child’s development. But not all praise is created equal. Some types of praise are helpful, while others have a negative effect. So how do we know what sort of praise to use?

l Kids need support and encouragement all the time – not just when they’ve won the race or scored an A+. They need to know they have your support – especially when they lost or failed. It is the overall warmth and supportiveness of their family relationships which counts.

l Don’t use insincere praise. By the time a child is old enough to analyse belief or motive (generally around five years of age) they know when praise is deserved. If they feel it’s being given falsely they might think you feel sorry for them. They might also think, ‘I can’t trust you.’

l Avoid extreme praise! ‘Oh, my goodness you are the best at this. You are amazing. You’re super clever and talented.’ Even if we’re sincere in our effusiveness at that moment and our child believes us, who on earth could live up to this impossible standard every single day. It sets the child up to worry about future performance…’Oh heck, now I need to get 100% in every single exam forever…If I don’t, they’ll be disappointed.’ These kids might back off from new challenges because they aren’t certain they’ll be the best. They don’t want to risk failure and loss of approval.

l Don’t praise achievements that come too easily. Either the child assumes you are clueless about how easy the task is, or they assume you have low expectations of their abilities.

l Praise things the child can control, rather than ability. If your child is naturally gifted at the piano for example, instead of saying, ‘Oh wow, you’re so talented,’ when he/she plays, say something like, ‘Wow, that piece is sounding good now, I can hear the difference from when you first started to learn it. Your hard work is paying off.’ The child can control how hard he/she works at her practice; not how naturally able he/she is at playing the piano.

This approach stops them getting the message that talent is something people either have or don’t have, which might leave them feeling helpless when they slip up. Mistakes must mean you aren’t talented right?

l Avoid praise that compares a child to others. Social-comparison praise sets up competition and inevitably sometimes another child will be better, which can be demoralising if a child’s self-worth is derived from always being the best. It can also lead to a child becoming a poor loser.

OCTOBER DEADLINE: TUESDAY 6th SEPT

No one is suggesting a spur of the moment ‘Good job!’ and a high five now and then are bad, but it’s worth considering that by being more intentional about praise we can influence the way our kids feel about themselves for the better.

Jamie Maxfield