The Mentor’s Field Guide - Answers You Need to Help Kids Succeed by Search Institute

The Mentor’s Field Guide “Volunteer mentors, practitioners, and researchers will value this book for its rich up-to-date coverage, clear writing, and common sense guidance.”

Manza and Patrick

EDU C AT I O N / CO UN S E L I N G / G EN ER A L

Jean Rhodes, Ph.D., MENTOR: The National Mentoring Partnership Professor of Psychology and Research Director, Center for Evidence-Based Mentoring

Jill K. Spineti, president and CEO, The Connecticut Mentoring Partnership and Governor’s Prevention Project

“The ultimate playbook and required resource for any mentor (or mentoring practitioner) looking to gain insights from lessons learned in order to execute best practices.” Stephen Powell, executive director, Mentoring USA

“An effective youth worker is a mentor. The Mentor’s Field Guide is a necessary and highly useful resource that will help youth workers fulfill that role wisely.” Irv Katz, president and CEO, The National Human Services Assembly and its National Collaboration for Youth

“A field guide for mentors! A brilliant concept for teachers and others who perform double duty as informal mentors, too.” Barbara Lehrner Canter, Co-founder, 1000 Women for Mentoring

The Mentor’s Field Guide: Answers You Need to Help Kids Succeed is a one-stop resource for mentors. Using a straightforward question-and-answer format, it addresses basic but vital issues: how and why mentoring works; how to respond to common issues that come up in mentoring relationships (like bullying); to tough issues, like alcohol or drug use, depression, or family problems; and to the challenge of helping young people develop the skills they need to claim their dreams. The Mentor’s Field Guide delivers the advice you need to be the kind of mentor young people deserve . . . and you aspire to be.

The Mentor’s Field Guide

“This guide adds a uniquely valuable resource to the field by offering mentors (and program coordinators, too) tips, tools and strategies to deepen their commitment to the youth they serve.”

“. . . a special gift to everyone involved in mentoring—a must read for all mentors who seek to do well by the children they aim to help.” Rev. W. Wilson Goode Sr., founder of the Amachi Mentoring Program

The Mentor’s Field Guide ANSWERS YOU NEED TO HELP KIDS SUCCEED Gail Manza and Susan K. Patrick

The Mentorâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Field Guide aNsWers yoU NeeD To HeLP KiDs sUCCeeD

Gail Manza and Susan K. Patrick

The Mentor’s Field Guide Answers You Need to Help Kids Succeed Gail Manza and Susan K. Patrick The following are registered trademarks of Search Institute: Search Institute®, Healthy Communities • Healthy Youth®, and Develop mental Assets®. Search Institute Press, Minneapolis, MN Copyright © 2012 by Search Institute All rights reserved. No parts of this publication may be reproduced in any manner, mechanical or electronic, without prior permission from the publisher except in brief quotations or sum maries in articles or reviews, or as individual activity sheets for educational noncommercial use only. For additional permission, visit Search Institute’s website at www.search-institute.org /permissions and submit a Permissions Request Form. At the time of publication, all facts and figures cited herein are the most current available; all telephone numbers, addresses, and website URLs are accurate and active; all publications, organi zations, websites, and other resources exist as described in this book; and all efforts have been made to verify them. The authors and Search Institute make no warranty or guarantee con cerning the information and materials given out by organizations or content found at websites that are cited herein, and we are not responsible for any changes that occur after this book’s publication. If you find an error or believe that a resource listed herein is not as described, please contact Client Services at Search Institute. Printed on acid-free paper in the United States of America.

The authors and publisher would like to grate fully acknowledge the permission to reprint material from The Handbook of Youth Mentoring by David L. DuBois and Michael J. Karcher (Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage, 2005), a condensed version of the Mentoring Application Form from Mentoring U.S.A. (2011), definitions of abuse and neglect from the American Academy of Pediatrics (2011), excerpts from Elements of Effective Practice for Mentoring by MENTOR (2009), and excerpts from “First Do No Harm: Ethical Principles for Youth Mentoring Relationships” by Jean Rhodes, Belle Liang, and Renée Spencer, in Professional Psychology: Research and Practice (2009, Vol. 40, No. 5, 452–458). About Search Institute Press Search Institute Press is a division of Search Institute, a nonprofit organization that provides catalytic leadership, breakthrough knowledge, and innovative resources to advance the health of children, youth, families, and communities. Our mission at Search Institute Press is to pro vide practical and hope-filled resources to help create a world in which all young people thrive. Our products are embedded in research, and the 40 Developmental Assets—qualities, experiences, and relationships youth need to succeed—are a central focus of our resources. Our logo, the SIP flower, is a symbol of the thriving and healthy growth young people experience when they have an abundance of assets in their lives. Licensing and Copyright The educational activity sheets in The Mentor’s Field Guide: Answers You Need to Help Kids Succeed may be copied as needed. For each copy, please respect the following guidelines: • Do not remove, alter, or obscure the Search Institute credit and copyright information on any activity sheet.

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• Include the following attribution when you use the information from the activity sheets or handouts in other formats for promotional or educational purposes: Reprinted with permission from The Mentor’s Field Guide: Answers You Need to Help Kids Succeed by Gail Manza and Susan K. Patrick (specify the title of the activity sheet you are quoting). Copyright © 2012 Search Institute®, Minneapolis, MN; 877-240-7251, ext. 1; www.search-institute.org. All rights reserved.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Manza, Gail. The mentor’s field guide : answers you need to help kids succeed / Gail Manza and Susan K. Patrick. pages cm Includes bibliographical references and index. ISBN 978-1-57482-286-1 (pbk.) ISBN 1-57482-286-1 (pbk.) 1. Youth—Counseling of—United States. 2. Mentoring—United States. 3. Youth devel opment—United States. 4. Social work with youth—United States. I. Patrick, Susan K. II. Title. HV1431.M359 2012 362.74'860973—dc23 012001395

• Do not alter the Search Institute material in content or meaning.

Contents List of Questions . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . xi Introduction: Using The Mentor’s Field Guide . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . xvii

PART I. Our Answers to Mentors’ Questions Chapter 1. Questions about 21st-Century Mentoring . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3 Chapter 2. Questions about the Mentoring Relationship . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 33 Chapter 3. Questions about Issues That Commonly Come Up

in Mentoring Relationships . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 60 Chapter 4. Questions about Issues That Rarely Arise . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 99 Chapter 5. Questions about Special Circumstances Some

Mentees Face . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 130 PART II. Resources for Strong Mentors Chapter 6. Essential Guideposts . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 159 Chapter 7. Understanding What Young People Need

and When They Need It . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 171 Chapter 8. Finding Additional Help . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 188 Acknowledgments . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 197 References . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 199 Index . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 206 About the Authors . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 212

list of questions Chapter 1. Questions about 21 st-Century Mentoring Question 1. Mentoring—I generally get it but am in search

of a good, jargon-free definition. What have you got? �� 3 Question 2. Formal mentoring and informal mentoring:

what’s the difference? �� 6 Question 3. Who mentors? �� 8 Question 4. How does someone become a mentor? �� 9 Question 5. Does mentoring work? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 12 Question 6. How does mentoring “work,” and under what conditions does it work best? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 13 Question 7. How do I know that mentoring really helps kids? . . . . . . . . . . . 15 Question 8. Are there different kinds of mentoring . . . or different kinds of mentoring programs? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 18 Question 9. What do mentors do with their mentees? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 20 Question 10. We live in a lawsuit-happy world. Should I

be worried about liability issues? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 21 Question 11. The program I am mentoring in (or want to

mentor in) requires a background check. Is this common? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 24 Question 12. My mentoring program requires that I participate

in training sessions, which I don’t think I need. Should I go? . . . . . . . . . . . . 26 Question 13. I want to connect with other mentors. How do I

do that? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 27 Question 14. I’m involved in a formal mentoring program.

What should I expect from the program coordinator? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 28

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Question 15. I mentor informally. Is there any support

out there for me? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 29 Question 16. Where can I get specialized advice on a specific

issue if I need it? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 30 Question 17. What if a young person asks me to be her or

his mentor? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 30 Question 18. Will I be a good mentor? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 31

Chapter 2. Questions about the Mentoring Relationship Question 19. What should my expectations be for my

relationship with a mentee? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 34 Question 20. Are there typical stages in the life cycle of a

mentoring relationship? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 36 Question 21. What constitutes appropriate boundaries,

and how do I establish them? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 41 Question 22. How much time should I be spending with

my mentee? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 42 Question 23. How can I establish a trusting relationship

with my mentee? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 43 Question 24. How do I handle it if my mentee doesn’t talk

much to me . . . or at all? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 44 Question 25. Will talking about my own life or beliefs help

my mentee open up to me? If so, how much should I share? . . . . . . . . . . . . 45 Questions 26. I just don’t seem to be connecting with my

mentee. Is it me? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 46 Question 27. What should I do if my mentee keeps

“standing me up”? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 48 Question 28. How do I know that mentoring is helping

my mentee? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 48 Question 29. Can I get together with my mentee outside of the

times and places specified by the program we are involved in? . . . . . . . . . 50 Question 30. What about communicating with my mentee

online? Should we e-mail, text, tweet, or “friend” each other? . . . . . . . . . . . . 50

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Question 31. How deeply I should be involved in my

mentee’s life or that of my mentee’s family? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 52 Question 32. Are my mentee’s parents comfortable with

my role in their child’s life? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 54 Question 33. How should I respond to my mentee’s

requests for gifts? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 55 Question 34. I think my mentee needs more than I can give,

and I am worried that I am letting her or him down. Am I? . . . . . . . . . . . . . 56 Question 35. Because of a geographical move, my mentee

and I will not be able to get together. Is there a way we can continue our relationship in some form? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 57 Question 36. I need to end my mentoring relationship.

Is there a “good way” to do that? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 58 Chapter 3. Questions about Issues That Commonly Come Up in Mentoring Relationships Question 37. My mentee and I come from different economic,

cultural, racial, or ethnic backgrounds. How can I honor and accommodate these differences? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 61 Question 38. I have been matched with a child whose gender

is different from mine. How should I take this into account in our relationship? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 64 Question 39. My mentee is a whiz at school (or not). How can

I help her or him make the most of the school experience? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 65 Question 40. My mentee is sick a lot. Should I intervene? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 73 Question 41. My mentee wants to talk about what seems like

a sensitive issue to me, and I don’t. Help! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 74 Question 42. What is the best way to approach a discussion

about . . . ? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 76 Question 43. What kinds of things I should keep just between

my mentee and me? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 97

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Chapter 4. Questions about Issues That Rarely Arise Question 44. My mentee has a chronic health condition (such as

diabetes, asthma, obesity). Do I need to make special provisions for that? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 100 Question 45. I’m concerned about my mentee’s safety at home.

Am I overreacting? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 102 Question 46. I am concerned about my mentee’s safety at

school or in the community. Should I weigh in? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 106 Question 47. I am concerned about my mentee’s safety

in a dating relationship. What can I advise? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 109 Question 48. My mentee is being bullied and doesn’t want

to go to school anymore. How can I help? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 110 Question 49. My mentee is pregnant and has asked me for

advice. Any guidelines here? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 111 Question 50. I think my mentee may have a drinking problem

or may be using drugs. Should I bring this up? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 112 Question 51. My mentee has confided in me about not being

certain about her or his sexual orientation. How should I respond to this confidence? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 117 Question 52. I think my mentee might be depressed, even

considering suicide. What should I do? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 118 Question 53. My mentee has been arrested. How can I help? . . . . . . . . . . . 125 Question 54. My mentee has been put in a juvenile detention

facility. What do I do now? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 126 Question 55. My mentee’s family has lost their housing and

is now living in a homeless shelter. Can we stay connected? . . . . . . . . . . . . 127 Question 56. I think my mentee and I have differences (regarding

culture, gender, and/or race) that can’t be bridged. Is it time to walk away from this relationship? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 129

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Chapter 5. Questions about Special Circumstances Some Mentees Face Question 57. My mentee is in foster care. What does that mean? . . . . . . 131 Question 58. My program coordinator told me my mentee has

been the victim of abuse (physical or sexual). How common is this and what might signal to me that it is happening again? . . . . . . . . 133 Question 59. My mentee’s family recently immigrated to the

United States. What can I do to be mindful of that, but not excessively so? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 135 Question 60. I think my mentee’s family is in the United States

illegally. What are my obligations? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 137 Question 61. My mentee has a parent in prison. Should I ignore

this or bring it up with my mentee? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 139 Question 62. I’ve learned that my mentee has a parent who is

an active substance abuser. Do I have an obligation to act on that knowledge? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 143 Question 63. The life my mentee describes leads me to believe

that he or she lives in extreme poverty. Can I do anything more than worry about this? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 146 Question 64. My mentee has a parent or family member who

has a chronic or life-threatening illness. What should I know about this? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 149 Question 65. My mentee’s parents don’t seem to value education.

Should I address this issue? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 151 Question 66. I meet my mentee in his school and it is appalling—

so unrelentingly bad that I don’t think my mentee should be going there. What can I do? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 153 Question 67. My mentee’s family has fallen on the wrong side

of the “digital divide.” What resources can I bring to the situation? . . . . 154

Introduction

Using The Mentor’s Field Guide If you are prepared, you will be confident and do the job. tom landry, dallas cowboys coach and football legend You have opened The Mentor’s Field Guide, so odds are that you either are a mentor or are thinking about becoming one. If you are a mentor, congratulations for taking on the challenge of playing an important role in a young person’s life. In truth, it may be quite a while before the young person you are working with thanks you for the effort. But we do. You are part of a remarkable fraternity of adults who have a special gift for what Ron Suskind (1998) calls “hope in the unseen.” And we firmly believe that if you take the time to learn how to be a skillful mentor, you are sure to find your gift for believing in a young person’s future rewarded in ways large and small, and always meaningful. If you are an aspiring mentor, we are delighted that you are considering joining millions of other adults who are transforming their interest in America’s young people into real action on their behalf. But consider carefully. Mentoring a young person is a process in which neither deeply felt kindness nor the best of intentions are a substitute for energy, ability, and perseverance. So read on and use this resource to strengthen your mentoring skills. Or use it to discover whether you are ready for an assignment that—as one incandescent young mentee at a program sponsored by Morgan Stanley assured us—will bring you joy. This introduction provides all that you need to make the most of The Mentor’s Field Guide (hereafter the Field Guide). We address its purpose, how it is organized, two ways readers can approach its use, the sources of xvii

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our material and ideas, and our dedication to evidence-based mentoring. By intention, this is the shortest chapter in the book. General information about mentoring is widely available, but few readily accessible resources speak directly to the interests and needs of mentors themselves. Consequently, our goal is to move quickly through user essentials and then on to what mentors tell us they want most: straightforward answers to the questions that intrigue, concern, or confound them.

Purpose The aim of the Field Guide is to provide current and would-be mentors with practical counsel that can be used to initiate, strengthen, and maintain mentoring relationships that are worth the time (and hope) invested in them. The book begins and ends with mentors’ needs in mind and is designed to deliver on its promise to provide “answers you need to help kids succeed.” This is the essence of what all good mentors hope to achieve: success as the young people in their lives come to define and redefine it, time and time again. We also bear in mind that while many adults mentor through formal mentoring programs, an equal or even larger number mentor informally. The Field Guide is intended to be a comprehensive, reliable, and reusable resource for all kinds of mentors, regardless of the degree of formality that characterizes their involvement. This is a resource to which any mentor can turn to test her or his ideas and inclinations, deal with a particular challenge, or simply revisit the practices that tend to make mentoring relationships endure and thrive. And readers of the guide should be able to do so easily, since the book has a handy-to-use format.

How The Mentor’s Field Guide Is Organized The Field Guide has a straightforward format with two main sections: ȳȳ Part I. Our Answers to Mentors’ Questions ȳȳ Part II. Resources for Strong Mentors Part I contains the heart of the book and offers answers to questions that are on many mentors’ minds. Some are questions that we have heard

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over and over again. Others have been raised just a few times, but with an intensity or on a subject that we think makes them especially noteworthy. The 67 questions that constitute part I are organized into five chapters that capture key dimensions of mentoring: (1) the nature of 21st-century mentoring; (2) the mentoring relationship; (3) issues that come up in almost every mentoring relationship; (4) issues that rarely but sometimes arise; and (5) special life circumstances some mentees face. Chapter 1, “Questions about 21st-Century Mentoring.” This chapter covers the basics of modern mentoring. What is it? Who mentors? How does one become a mentor? How do I know mentoring really helps kids? How exactly does mentoring “work”? Are there different types of mentoring programs? The program I am mentoring in requires a background check: is this routine? I don’t think I need to attend mentor training; should I go? What if a young person asks me to mentor her or him? This chapter also includes our favorite question and the one that most genuinely effective mentors invariably ask of themselves: Will I be a good mentor? Chapter 2, “Questions about the Mentoring Relationship.” Jean Rhodes of the University of Massachusetts, Boston, taught us that because mentoring’s benefits typically emerge from the relationship that develops between a mentor and mentee, the quality of that relationship matters a great deal (Rhodes, 2002). Chapter 2 concentrates on this pivotal relationship, tackling questions that address what it takes to build a strong one, for example: How much time should I be spending with my mentee? How do I build trust in our relationship? What about connecting with my mentee online: should we e-mail, text, tweet, or “friend” each other? What are the typical stages in the life cycle of a mentoring relationship? I’m just not connecting with my mentee; is it me? Will talking about my own life and beliefs help my mentee open up to me? What should I do if my mentee keeps “standing me up”? How deeply should I be involved in my mentee’s life or that of my mentee’s family? Chapter 3, “Questions about Issues That Commonly Come Up in Mentoring Relationships.” At some point during their mentoring experience, most men-

tors will deal with at least a few of the issues addressed in chapter 3. They relate to the aspirations mentees hold for themselves, whether short term (get more out of the school day, have a nice Saturday) or long term (be a more confident person, find a satisfying career). They also relate to obstacles that may thwart efforts to bring a mentee’s aspirations to life, for example: My mentee is a whiz at school (or not). How do I help her make the most of her school experience? My mentee wants to talk about what seems like a

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sensitive issue (fill in your own blank), and I don’t. Help! My mentee comes from a different economic, cultural, racial, or ethnic background. How can I honor and accommodate these differences? How do I tell what things should be kept between my mentee and me and what things I should share with my program coordinator or another responsible adult? Chapter 4, “Questions about Issues That Rarely but Sometimes Arise.”

We are glad to report that the challenges addressed in this chapter are based on questions that don’t come up in most mentoring relationships. But they arise more frequently than they should in any child’s life, and the answers to questions in chapter 4 can help mentors be prepared to deal with them effectively: My mentee has a chronic health condition (such as diabetes, asthma, obesity). Do I need to make special provisions for that? My mentee is being bullied and doesn’t want to go to school anymore. How can I help? My mentee has been put in a juvenile detention facility. What do I do now? I think my mentee and I have differences (regarding culture, gender, socioeconomic status, and/or race) that can’t be bridged. Is it time to walk away from the relationship? Chapter 5, “Questions about Special Circumstances Some Mentees Face.”

This chapter offers guidance related to questions that emerge from the context of a young person’s life. We’re not fans of the term “at-risk youth,” but there are times when children will routinely find themselves at risk of real harm because of the situations in which their parents and family—or the larger community—place them. That jeopardy may come from their day-to-day living conditions or from their parents’ status, say, as undocumented immigrants or as adults who are unfit or unavailable to provide a home and care. This chapter addresses such risks, including the following: My mentee is in foster care. What does that mean? My mentee has a parent in prison. Should I ignore this or bring it up with my mentee? The school my mentee attends is appalling. Is there anything I can do? Finally, we think mentors can benefit from information that puts their mentees’ experience into a larger context. Be sure to check out the Data Points which appear throughout the book. They are drawn from the nation’s leading repositories of data on American children and youth and can help illuminate how common (or rare) your mentee’s life experiences may be. Part II, “Resources for Strong Mentors,” offers considerable supplementary information, as well as materials that every mentor should be familiar with and know where to find. The three chapters in part II cover standards for

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quality mentoring; introductory information about the stages of youth development and Search Institute’s framework of 40 Developmental Assets® that make positive youth development more likely; and resources for active mentors.

DATA POINT

America’s Children There are 74.2 million children ages 0–17 in the United States. They account for 24 percent of the total U.S. population. Roughly 55 percent are White, non-Hispanic; 15 percent, Black; 4 percent, Asian; 5 percent, all other races; and 23 percent, Hispanic (of any race). Source: Federal Interagency Forum on Child and Family Statistics (2011).

Chapter 6, “Essential Guideposts.” This chapter offers readers an intro-

duction to the mentoring field’s most important standards and practice guidelines. Highlighted are Elements of Effective Practice for Mentoring, Third Edition (MENTOR: The National Mentoring Partnership, 2009), and “First Do No Harm: Ethical Principles for Youth Mentoring Relationships” (Rhodes, Liang & Spencer, 2009). Chapter 7, “Understanding What Young People Need and When They Need It.” Many mentors, like many parents, say they wish they had more

information about the phases and pace of child and youth development. Chapter 7 is designed to help mentors appreciate what young people need and at what stage of their development they need it. Search Institute’s important work on youth development is highlighted here, with special emphasis on the 40 Developmental Assets. This chapter also suggests how mentors can play a role in the developmental process, as well as presents specific ideas about age-appropriate activities that mentors and mentees can do together. Chapter 8, “Finding Additional Help and Providing Feedback on the Field Guide.” The final chapter introduces still more people and places to

which mentors can turn for ideas and advice or to take action on behalf of the young people they care about. Expertise and resources are available through MENTOR: The National Mentoring Partnership, a national organization dedicated to expanding the world of quality mentoring and through Mentoring Partnerships that operate in many states and communities throughout the United States. Also highlighted are several large

1 QUesTioNs aBoUT 21 st -CeNTUry MeNToriNG Mentoring . . . I think about it as a great opportunity to be an integral part of a young person’s success. michelle obama, ﬁrst lady of the united states The questions in this chapter focus on the basics. We start with a definition of mentoring, then address the first questions that typically occur to adults as they begin to think about what it means to be a mentor, as well as what it takes to establish a relationship with a young person they are—in most instances—meeting for the first time. As you consider the answers in this chapter and throughout the book, you will see that we have highlighted some differences in the ways our advice may be applied by those who are mentoring through organized programs and those who are mentoring informally. If you are unclear about which category best fits your mentoring experience, begin with Question 2 (Formal and informal mentoring: what’s the difference?), and then return to Question 1 and take Questions 3–14 in order. Otherwise, start with Question 1 and read on.

QUesTioN 1. Mentoring—i generally get it but am in search of a good, jargon-free deﬁnition. What have you got? Mentoring is an ancient form of social interaction that has modern applications, one of which is youth mentoring. Definitions of modern youth mentoring abound, but the one we have come to favor was introduced by former MENTOR CEO, Larry Wright: “Mentoring is a means to an end, 3

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with the end being any objective that a mentor and mentee agree is important to a child’s development.” Commonly agreed-upon ends include broadly cast objectives like exposure to new experiences, stronger relational skills, improvements in overall or selected aspects of academic achievement (e.g., reading, math, music, language skills), exploration of work or career options, and opening doors to new worlds and new opportunities. Ends can, and often do, embrace much more limited aspirations: getting to school on a regular basis, learning to deal with bullies, navigating new cultural or social environments, getting (and keeping) a summer job, or identifying and completing the many steps involved in applying to a technical school or college. An even more targeted end of interest to many young people living in disadvantaged circumstances is simply getting to know people and places beyond the narrow boundaries of their worlds. Mentees from South Central Los Angeles participating in the Los Angeles Team Mentoring program wanted, quite literally, to see the Pacific Ocean, just eight miles away. Still other children may, as Cyndi Lauper sings, “just want to have fun,” something that can be in surprisingly short supply in many young lives. Broadly defining mentoring as a means to a young person’s ends has several advantages. It concisely captures the essence of good mentoring: helping a young person get to where he or she wants to go. It is easily applied by mentors who are called upon to respond to questions from friends, colleagues, or family members. “You’re mentoring?” they ask. “What’s that?” The answer: “Mentoring is a way for me to team with a young person to ” (with the blank being yours—along with your mentee—to fill in). We emphasize that this definition is widely applicable, regardless of the age of a mentee. Even the youngest participants in targeted mentoring programs, such as a reading mentoring program like Everybody Wins, will be able to give you some idea of what they are after: learning to improve their reading, being able to read the kinds of books they like, or just having someone nice to sit with during lunch. All are good places to start. In fact, we have found that the most essential feature of whatever ends are identified is that they are explored and mutually agreed upon by the mentor and mentee—and then revisited and refined as the mentoring relationship evolves. There are few things more disappointing (and, potentially, more damaging) than finding out that your mentee wanted a mentor to help him learn how to talk comfortably with new people (including college admissions officers or potential employers), while you spent your

q ue st i o ns ab o ut 2 1st - c en t u ry m en to r i n g 5

time together focusing on trying to improve his math, even though, of course, you could have done both. Although we think you’ll find “mentoring as a means to a young person’s ends” to be an accurate and consistent definition of mentoring, we want you to be aware of more formal alternatives. We provide several very good ones. Also note that most dictionaries define mentoring by relying on its root word: mentor. Admirers of Greek mythology will recall that when Odysseus set sail in Homer’s The Odyssey, he left the care of his son Telemachus in the worthy hands of his wife, Penelope. Odysseus also asked his trusted friend, Mentor, to provide watchful support, as well as the challenge and counsel his young son would inevitably need in his absence. This makes Mentor the first mentor; it further established the idea that a mentor is both a friendly adviser and thoughtful teacher who knows when to challenge a mentee, when to help, and when to let go (McEwan, 2000).

HIGHLIGHT

Definitions of Mentoring and Mentor “Mentoring is a structured and trusting relationship that brings young people together with caring individuals who offer guidance, support and encouragement aimed at developing the competence and character of the mentee” (MENTOR, 2000a). “. . . a relationship between an older and more experienced adult and an unrelated, younger protégé—a relationship in which the adult provides ongoing guidance, instruction and encouragement aimed at developing the competence and character of the protégé” (Rhodes, 2002, 3). “. . . a powerful emotional interaction between an older and younger person, a relationship in which the older member is trusted, loving and experienced in the guidance of the younger. The mentor helps the growth and development of the protégé” (Merriam, 1983, 162). “The mentor is ordinarily several years older, a person of greater experience and seniority in the world the young mentee is entering. The person acts as teacher, sponsor, counselor, developer of skills and intellect, host, guide, exemplar and one who supports and facilitates the realization of a young person’s dream” (University of South Florida, 2003; adapted from Levinson, Darrow, Klein, Levinson & McKee, 1978). Source: DuBois and Karcher (2005); reprinted with permission.

index A Hope in the Unseen, 31 abortion, 74, 111–112 abuse, child, 25, 53, 77, 98, 102–104, 133–134, 144–145, 162 warning signs, 104, 145 academic performance, 16, 65–66, 90, 150, 179 Across Ages, 18 Adequate Yearly Progress, 153 adoption, 111 Afterschool Alliance, 7 alcohol use (see also peer pressure) drinking problem, abuse, 112–117, 119, 176–177 warning signs, 113–116 Alliance for Excellent Education, 153 Amachi Program, 140 America’s Promise: The Alliance for Youth, 8, 153 American Academy of Pediatrics, 133–134 American Psychological Association Ethical Principles of Psychologists and Code of Conduct, 166, 168 arrested, mentee has been, 125–126 asset checklist, 183–184 Baisden, Michael, 12 Benson, Peter L., 15, 171 Best Buddies International, 7 Big Brothers Big Sisters, 7, 10, 12, 18, 50, 52, 169 Bilchik, Shay, xxiv bipolar disorder, 177 206

bisexual relationships, 96 body image, 65, 81, 176 Boisi, Geoffrey, 8 boundaries, how to establish, 41–42 Boy Scouts, 10 boys, specific challenges with, 65 Bridgeland, John, xxv, Brown, Nelson, 130 bullying, 4, 76, 78–82, 101, 103, 106, 110, 135, 173–176, 178 and sexual orientation, 117–118 Bush, President George W., 8, 160 Bush, Jeb, xxiv Bush, Laura, 8 Campbell, Duncan, xxiv Canter, Barbara Lehrner, xxiv career issues, 72–73 Center on Addiction and the Family, 143–144 Chambers, Raymond, 8 child abuse, 25, 53, 77, 98, 102–104, 133–134, 144–145, 162 warning signs, 104, 145 Child Protection Improvements Act, 25 child protective services, 131, 133 Children’s Treehouse Foundation, 151 chronic illness (see health problems) closure (see termination) Common Sense Media, 155 confidentiality, 38, 42, 44, 77, 97–98, 100, 104, 117–118, 126, 141, 143, 169–170, 191 Corporate Mentoring Challenge, 11

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Corporation for National and Community Service, 6, 8, 9, 11, 15, 51 Craves, Robert, xxiv criminal background check, 24–25 cultural differences, 42, 46–47, 54, 61–63, 90, 94, 111, 129, 137, 167, 169 cultural sensitivity, 169 Cuomo, Matilda Raffa, xxiv, 132 cyberbullying, 79, 110 dating and relationship issues, 65, 76, 95–96, 101–103, 109–110 Dare Mighty Things, 30 death of a loved one, 76, 93–95 delinquency prevention, xxiv Delinquency Prevention Works, 186 depression, 76, 86, 92, 94, 103–104, 118–120, 133, 137, 142, 144–146, 177–178 (see also suicide) development, three stages of, 171–178 Developmental Assets, xxi, 34, 130, 171, 179–185 external assets, 180–181 incorporating into mentoring relationship, 185 internal assets, 181–182 disciplinary problems at school, 71 differences (between mentor and mentee), 61–64, 129 digital divide, 69, 154–155 discrimination, 135, 168 divorce or separation of parents, 91–93, 120, 143 domestic violence, 90, 102–107, 110, 143 dropout factories, 153–154 dropout prevention, xxv, 73 drug and substance use, 41, 46, 65, 75, 86–89, 91, 103, 107, 112–116, 118–120, 127, 130, 133, 137, 142, 144, 154, 176–178 warning signs, 113–116 DuBois, David, 15, 136

e-mentoring, xxv, 41–42, 57 Eat Well & Keep Moving, 83 eating disorders, 144 economic differences, 61–64 education, parents don’t value, 151–152 Eisner, David, xxv Elements of Effective Practice for Mentoring, 21, 24, 26–28, 42–43, 159–166 ending a relationship (see termination) Ensher, Ellen, 36 ethics, 26, 166–170 Ethical Principles, 159, 166 ethnic differences, 47, 61–63 Everybody Wins! USA, 4, 7, 33 Everyone Graduates Center, 153 evidence-based mentoring, xviii, xxv Experience Corps, 7 family history, 63 family problems, 89–91 family safety, 104–105 family’s values and beliefs, 42, 54 financial aid for college, 86 foster care, xxiv, 131–132, 140 Foster Care Mentoring Act, 131 Freedman, Marc, xxiv–xxv gang involvement, 108, 127, 137 Garrett, Ean, xxiii gender issues, 42, 47, 64 gender sensitivity, 169 gifted children, 69 gifts, 55 girls, specific challenges with, 65 Goode, W. Wilson Sr., xxv Goodwill Guides, 7 grooming, 76, 81–82, 128 Handbook of Youth Mentoring, 36, 136 health care, lack of, 130 health problems mentee, 73–74, 76, 81, 83, 100–102 family members, 90, 149–151

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homelessness, 81, 83, 127–128, 132 homosexual relationships, 96 how to use the Field Guide, xxii hygiene (see grooming) illegal immigrants (see undocumented immigrants) immigrant children, mentoring, 135–139 Innovation Research & Training, 26 instrumental mentoring, 19, 65 integrity, 34, 168, 182 Internet access, 51, 69, 154–155 isolation, social, 101 job loss, parent, 76, 83–84 juvenile detention, 19, 126–127 Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation, 101 Karcher, Michael, 21, 45, 136 Katz, Irv, xxiii Keller, Thomas, 36 Landrieu, U.S. Senator Mary, 131 Lerner, Richard, 15 Let’s Move, 83 LGBT youth, 119 liability issues of mentoring, 21, 24, 50 Liang, Belle, 166 life cycle of a mentoring relationship, 36 Live United Campaign, United Way, 9 Los Angeles Team Mentoring, 4 Manza, Gail, xxv, 33 matching mentors and mentees, 163–164 McKenna, Thomas, xxv meeting schedule, 57 mental development, 172 ages 6–8, 173 ages 9–12, 175 ages 13–18, 177

mental illness, 119, 149, 177 mentee age of, 19 needs of, 8 expectations, 34–36, 43 special characteristics, 19 Mentor, the first mentor, 5 MENTOR, xxi, xxiv–xxv, 3, 6, 8, 11, 25–27, 52, 135–136, 139, 161, 166, 189, 190 Research and Policy Council, xxiii Volunteer Referral Service, 9, 20 Mentor Michigan, 39, 51 mentoring appropriate roles in, 26 as delinquency prevention, xxiv blending scholarships and mentoring, xxiv career-oriented program, 52, 58 children in foster care, xxiv, 19, 131–132 children of prisoners, xxv, 19, 139–142 closing the relationship (see termination) community-based, 19–20, 50, 52 connecting with, 46–48 definitions of, 5–6 developing and maintaining a relationship, 26, 33 duration, 10, 14 effectiveness, 14, 16, 33 ethical issues, 26, 53 evidence-based, xxvi–xxvii, 26 expectations, 12–13, 26, 33–36, 43, 47, 49, 52, 56 faith-based, 19 for academic success, xxiv formal, 3, 6–8, 10, 19–21, 26, 28, 30–31, 49, 51, 55, 99, 133, 136–137, 160, 190 friendship-focused, 52 informal, 3, 6–8, 11, 20, 43, 73, 99–100, 110, 132–133, 188

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instrumental, 19, 65 intensive, full time, xxiv kinds of, 18 legal liability issues, 21, 24, 50 national service, xxv natural, 7 online or e-based, 19 online communication, social media, 50, 51, 57 relationship focused (psychosocial), 65 school-based, xxv, 19, 42, 50, 52, 57–58 site-based, 50, 52 stages of, 36–41, 56 team mentoring, xxiv, 20 training, 21, 26–29, 32, 34, 49, 62, 99, 129, 136, 160, 163 trust, 13, 33, 37–39, 43–44 workplace programs, 19, 21 youth-initiated, xxv Mentoring Central, 26–27 Mentoring Immigrant and Refugee Youth, 135–136, 139 Mentoring Partnerships, xxiv, 10, 26–27, 67, 136, 189–190 Mentoring the 100 Way, 7 Mentoring USA, 19, 22–24, 132 military deployment, parent, 84–86, 143 money, spending on mentee, 55 monitoring and support, 164–165 moving (mentee and mentor), 57–58 Mulhern, Dan, 39 Murphy, Susan, 36 National Association for Children of Alcoholics, 143 National Association for Gifted Children, 69 National Association for the Education of Homeless Children and Youth, 128 National Cares Mentoring Movement, 12

National Center for Children in Poverty, 146 National Center for Posttraumatic Stress Disorder, 107 National Guard Youth ChalleNGe Program, 7, 30 National Human Services Assembly, xxiii National Institute on Drug Abuse, 86–87, 112–113 National Institutes of Health’s Medline Plus, 150 National Mentoring Center, 190 National Mentoring Month, 11–12 National Resource Center on Children and Families of the Incarcerated, 139, 142 National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, 119, 124 natural mentoring, 7 Neils, David, xxv No Child Left Behind, 153 Obama, Pres. Barack, 8, 160 Obama, Michelle, 3, 6, 8, 11 obesity, 82, 100, 147, 149 Odysseus, 5 100 Black Men of America Inc., 12 One Million Mentors Campaign to Save Our Kids, 12 Operation Military Kids, 85 over-the-counter drugs (see peer pressure) parental expectations, 151–152 parents, 54–55 absence of, 130 divorce or separation, 84, 86, 91–93, 120, 143 fighting, 90 financial worries, 90 incarceration (in prison), 19, 130, 139–142

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job loss, 76, 83–84 military deployment, 84–86 substance abuse, 90, 130, 140, 142–145, 149 Patrick, Susan, xxv, 33 peer pressure, 86–89 personal mentoring, 18 Phipps, Wintley, 17, 19 phone calls, 57, 106, 162 physical development, 172 ages 6–8, 173 ages 9–12, 174–175 ages 13–18, 176 Plepler, Richard, 88 political views of mentee, 46 positive youth development, 15, 20, 178–179 post-traumatic stress disorder, 86, 102, 107, 140 poverty, 63, 83, 135, 146–149 Powell, Colin and Alma, 8 pregnancy, 65, 75, 97, 111–112, 132, prescription drug use (see peer pressure) prison, parents in, 19, 130, 139–142 Prison Fellowship, 20 puberty, 174, 176 Quintessential Careers, 72 race, xxi, 9–10, 61–63, 129, 163, 169 recruiting, xxiii–xxiv, 11, 28, 30, 56, 161 reference checks, 21, 162 relationships, xviii, xxiii–xxvi, 8, 10, 13–14, 17, 24, 33–38, 40–41, 43, 46, 49–51, 58, 60–61, 64–65, 95–96, 99, 101–103, 105, 109, 131, 161, 163, 166–167, 169–170, 177, 179 religious views of mentee, 46 resilience, 90, 101, 105, 131, 136, 178 Resource Center for Adolescent Pregnancy Prevention, 111

Rhodes, Jean, xix, 13, 166 risk factors, 185–186 for health and behavior problems, 187 safety action plan, 107–108 safety at school and in community, 106–108 SafetyNET, 25, 167 Salvation Army, 20 Samaritans, 119 school issues, 65–73, 153–154 low-quality, 153–154 safety at, 106–107 Schwartz, Alan, 12 screening, 21, 24, 28, 162 Search Institute, 34, 171, 179–180, 185 self-esteem, 65, 85, 147, 182 sexual activity, 65, 95–96, 98, 109, 113, 176 sexual orientation, 117–118, 168 sexual promiscuity, 104 sharing personal information with mentee, 45–46 six stages in a mentoring relationship, 36–41, 47, 56 growth stage, 39–40 introductory stage, 37–38 maturation stage, 40–41 relationship-building stage, 38 termination, 41, 48, 58–59 transition stage, 41, 58–59 Skype, 57 Smink, Jay, xxv social and emotional development, 15, 172 ages 6–8, 173 ages 9–12, 175 ages 13–18, 176–177 social media, 50–51, 57, 79, 110, 119, 191 socioeconomic differences, 54, 61–63 Spencer, Renée, 35, 166

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stages in mentoring, 36–41, 47, 56 growth, 39–40 introductory, 37–38 maturation, 40–41 relationship building, 38 termination, 41, 48, 58–59 transition, 41, 58–59 Stand by Me, 36 stereotyping, 64–65, 135 Stoneman, Dorothy, 17 StopItNow.org, 104 suicide, 75, 77, 92, 98, 104, 118–125, 144–145 warning signs, 118–122, 125 support, ongoing, 188–194 Suskind, Ron, xvii, 31 Tackling Tough Topics: An Educator’s Guide to Working with Military Kids, 86 talking about sensitive issues, 74–78 Tannenbaum, Arthur, xxv Tannenbaum, Phyllis, xxv team mentoring, xxiv teasing (see bullying) termination, 36, 41, 48, 58–59, 129, 165–166 Theard, Patrice, xxiv time spent with mentee, 42–43 training, 6, 21, 26–29, 32, 49, 62, 99, 129, 133, 136, 155, 160, 163–165, 167, 169–170, 185, 190 online, 26, 190 trust, building, 43–44, 97–98, 167

undocumented immigrant, 130, 137–139 United Way, 9–10 Live United Campaign, 9 U.S. Dream Academy, 7, 17 Van Patten, David, xxv, 30 violence, 102–107, 130, 146 dating, 65, 107, 109–110 family, 90–91, 102–104, 107, 110, 143–144 Volunteer Center, 10 warning signs to be concerned with, 76–77 weapons, 108 Weinberger, Susan, xxv What to Know about Child Abuse, 134 Wilson, Harry, xxv Winsten, Jay, 11 Wofford, Harris, xxv Wright, Larry, 3 YouthBuild USA, 17 youth-initiated mentoring, xxv Zero to Eight: Children’s Media Use in America, 155