DAD NEXT DOOR

When the Unimaginable Happens

You can’t fix a child’s grief, but you can walk through it with them

by JEFF LEE, MD

The other day, Pippa came home from school with horrible news: The mother of one of her friends had died. We don’t know the cause, only that it was sudden and completely unexpected.

That night at dinner, we were all at a loss for words. We tried to think of things we could do for her friend or their family, but every gesture seemed puny and inconsequential beside the immensity of their loss. It was on a scale that we couldn’t even imagine.

As parents, the most powerful thing we do in our children’s lives is to show up. We may fret and obsess about what to pack for their lunches, or how much screen time we let them have, but the thing that really matters is that we’re present in their lives, caring for and protecting them, every day. When a child loses that, they momentarily lose everything. They enter a world where nothing can be relied upon — where the ground they walk on and the sky above their heads are no more permanent than the seeds on a dandelion, and at any moment might simply blow away.

The death of a parent is a cataclysmic event. One study showed that it exposes a child to increased risk of depression and anxiety for at least a decade. And the shock waves spread beyond that child into their entire community, affecting their other caregivers, their relatives, their friends and their schoolmates. In a child’s haved. Maybe they should have been more helpful around the house or nicer to their baby sister. Maybe they should have said a magical incantation and avoided stepping on cracks in the sidewalk. It’s important to tell them that none of that matters, and none of this is their fault. One type of guilt to look out for, as grief recedes, is the guilt of moving on. A child may think that the lifting of their sadness is a betrayal of the lost parent’s memory. That logic can trap a child in their depression, out of a misplaced sense of loyalty. So, once we understand how kids grieve, what can we do to help them? The first step, I think, is to acknowledge that you can’t fix this. Nothing you or anyone else can do will make this less of a tragedy. Your job isn’t to make it go away, it’s to accompany them through it. Likewise, the child can’t fix it for you. If you’re going through your own grief, go ahead and express it. Let the child know that they aren’t alone in their grieving, and that they don’t have to hide it. But don’t ask them (implicitly or explicitly) to help you. That’s not their job. Find an adult to support you — and if necessary, find a professional. After that, our job is mostly to show up. So often we pull away when others are world, it’s the equivalent of a nuclear coping with tragedy, protecting ourselves explosion. It changes everything. from our own discomfort in the guise of

In the face of such loss, what are we “giving them space.” Sure, respect their supposed to do? How can we possibly privacy, and let them express themselves make a difference? Where do we begin? in their own time. But don’t isolate them. Our first job is probably to understand They need to be held — if not literally, then how kids grieve. at least with your attention and presence.

Children, like adults, are not all cut Remember, there may not be a lot of from the same cloth. Everyone grieves talking. It’s OK to ask a question or two differently. That’s true from child to child, if you think the time is right, but keep it but also in each partic- short, and then just ular one, from moment listen. Don’t be afraid to moment, day to day, of silence. And when and over the course the spigot does open of years. Don’t expect up, be prepared for a them to handle things lot of emotions. Validate the way you would, them. Make sure the or to stay consistent child knows that whatas they move through ever comes out — antheir grief. Meet them ger, sadness, worry, or where they are. even joy — is OK to feel

We also have to and OK to talk about. remember that kids are Recently, this just kids. They don’t unimaginable situation have the vocabulary has become all too real or experience to process complex, new and all too common. In the last two years, feelings the way adults might. Much of 140,000 American children have lost a their grieving will be nonverbal. They’ll go primary caregiver to COVID-19. With the through many shades of emotion, includ- omicron variant, the death toll among ing anger, anxiety, sadness, or just denial. young adults climbed higher than ever. It’s In most cases, they won’t be able to name no longer an option to sit on the sidelines these emotions — they’ll just feel them. and make believe this is not happening.

One emotion that children often feel We can’t fix it, but we also can’t ignore it. is guilt. In defiance of all logic, they may blame themselves for their parent’s death. Maybe they should have been better be-

“Don’t expect them to handle things the way you would, or to stay consistent as they move through their grief. Meet them where they are.” ABOUT OUR COLUMNIST Jeff Lee lives and writes in Seattle, WA.