„ Read all of Jeff Lee’s columns on seattleschild.com
»DadNextDoor
haved. Maybe they should have been more helpful around the house or nicer to their baby sister. Maybe they should have said a magical incantation and avoided stepping on cracks in the sidewalk. It’s important to tell them that none of that matters, and none of this is their fault. One type of guilt to look out for, as grief recedes, is the guilt of moving on. A child may think that the lifting of their sadness is a betrayal of the lost parent’s memory. That logic can trap a child in their depression, out of a misplaced sense of loyalty. So, once we understand how kids grieve, what can we do to help them? The first step, I think, is to acknowledge that by J E F F L E E , M D you can’t fix this. Nothing you or anyone else can do will make this less of a tragedy. Your job isn’t to make it go away, it’s to accompany them through it. Likewise, the child can’t fix it for you. If you’re going through your own grief, go ahead and express it. Let the child know that they aren’t alone in their grieving, and that they don’t have to hide it. But don’t ask them (implicitly or explicitly) to help you. That’s not their job. Find an adult to support you — and if necessary, find a You can’t fix a child’s grief, professional. After that, our job is mostly to show but you can walk through it with them up. So often we pull away when others are The other day, Pippa coping with tragedy, protecting ourselves world, it’s the equivalent of a nuclear came home from school from our own discomfort in the guise of explosion. It changes everything. “giving them space.” Sure, respect their with horrible news: In the face of such loss, what are we privacy, and let them express themselves The mother of one of her supposed to do? How can we possibly in their own time. But don’t isolate them. friends had died. We don’t make a difference? Where do we begin? They need to be held — if not literally, then know the cause, only that it was sudden Our first job is probably to understand at least with your attention and presence. and completely unexpected. how kids grieve. Remember, there may not be a lot of That night at dinner, we were all at a Children, like adults, are not all cut talking. It’s OK to ask a question or two loss for words. We tried to think of things from the same cloth. Everyone grieves if you think the time is right, but keep it we could do for her friend or their family, differently. That’s true from child to child, short, and then just but every gesture seemed puny and inconbut also in each particlisten. Don’t be afraid sequential beside the immensity of their ular one, from moment of silence. And when loss. It was on a scale that we couldn’t to moment, day to day, the spigot does open “Don’t expect them even imagine. and over the course up, be prepared for a As parents, the most powerful thing we of years. Don’t expect to handle things lot of emotions. Validate do in our children’s lives is to show up. We them to handle things the way you would, them. Make sure the may fret and obsess about what to pack the way you would, child knows that whator to stay consistent for their lunches, or how much screen or to stay consistent ever comes out — antime we let them have, but the thing that as they move through as they move through ger, sadness, worry, or really matters is that we’re present in their grief. Meet them their grief. Meet them even joy — is OK to feel their lives, caring for and protecting them, where they are. and OK to talk about. where they are.” every day. When a child loses that, they We also have to Recently, this momentarily lose everything. They enter remember that kids are unimaginable situation a world where nothing can be relied upon just kids. They don’t has become all too real — where the ground they walk on and the have the vocabulary and all too common. In the last two years, sky above their heads are no more permaor experience to process complex, new 140,000 American children have lost a nent than the seeds on a dandelion, and at feelings the way adults might. Much of primary caregiver to COVID-19. With the any moment might simply blow away. their grieving will be nonverbal. They’ll go omicron variant, the death toll among The death of a parent is a cataclysmic through many shades of emotion, includyoung adults climbed higher than ever. It’s event. One study showed that it exposes ing anger, anxiety, sadness, or just denial. no longer an option to sit on the sidelines a child to increased risk of depression In most cases, they won’t be able to name and make believe this is not happening. and anxiety for at least a decade. And the these emotions — they’ll just feel them. We can’t fix it, but we also can’t ignore it. shock waves spread beyond that child into One emotion that children often feel
A little encouragement from across the fence
When the Unimaginable Happens
their entire community, affecting their other caregivers, their relatives, their friends and their schoolmates. In a child’s
8
S E AT T L E ’S C H I L D
Marc h/Ap ril 20 2 2
is guilt. In defiance of all logic, they may blame themselves for their parent’s death. Maybe they should have been better be-
ABOUT OUR COLUMNIST
Jeff Lee lives and writes in Seattle, WA.
