Jokes Corner

The Sermon

A new Vicar joined the parish and there was much celebration, however his first sermon lasted a grand total of five minutes. The following week it was ten minutes. The parish council tackled the new clergyman on his ability to “feed” the parishioners.

The following week the sermon lasted two and a half hours. Council members were quick to call him aside to question him. “Well”, said the clergyman, “I recently had new dentures fitted and they are still quite painful. The first sermon, the pain was excruciating so I only managed five minutes, the second week I managed to put out ten minutes. Today however I mistakenly put my wife’s teeth in and I couldn’t stop talking”.

What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college? Bison!

I failed maths so many times at school, I can’t even count.

Sacramental Wine

The local parish priest was stopped by the village’s only constable. Upon nearing the car, the police officer could clearly detect the smell of alcohol. He queried this with the priest in his thick Irish accent. “Fader, have you been drinking?” The priest replied, “No son, only water,” in his equally heavy Irish accent.

The policeman looked into the vehicle and noticed a silver flask. “And dat, what is dat Fader?” The priest was quick to defend himself, “Only water son, only water!” The police officer sniffed it and was shocked. “Fader, dis is wine,” to which the priest very quickly responded, “Praise de Lard, He’s done it again, changed the water into wine”.

PMB/Midlands

Scared to Cough

The local pharmacist had to dash to an appointment and left his understudy in charge. As the student had still not qualified, he was not authorised to dispense prescribed meds. He was reminded that he could dispense anything else, but not the regulated items.

Upon the pharmacist’s return, he spotted a visibly anxious client standing outside. The pharmacist asked the student about this. The student replied, “Oh, he came in for a cough but as I couldn’t give him any of the prescribed stuff, I dispensed some laxative instead.” Shocked, the pharmacist asked, “And how do you think that is going to help the patient?” The student replied, “Well look at him, he’s too scared to cough now!”

I just sold my vacuum cleaner. It was just collecting dust.

Source: Bruce Jackson

PMB/Midlands