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50 CENT GOES TO HEAVEN SPRING BREAKERS S BABE WE SPEAK TO IRON MAN

S H ! ’s A L P S Y T I R B E L E C

LAURA C S O R TA N S OA K S YO U W I T H SEXINESS

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MAY 2013 ISSUE 22

Contents

40 HEALTH + FITNESS SPECIAL P.46

CIRCUS MAXIMUS P.10 A Spring Breakers babe breaks free of her clothes and a plastic surgeon expands our vocabulary.

THE LIMITS OF THE HUMAN BODY P.18

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A 26-page guide to eating better, sleeping better, sexing the ladies better, coping with hangovers better, and lifting heavy shit better.

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HARD COHRS P.70

Did you know high altitude can turn you into a pressure cooker? If not, you might wanna read this scientific piece about how extreme conditions affect your body.

Aspiring UFC Octagon Girl Allira Cohrs shares some health tips and advises on the topic of girl-kissing.

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RATED P.76

ICON P.22

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Iron Man 3’s Sir Ben Kingsley talks about baldness and why he changed his name.

BAR P.28 Street art icon Futura collabs with Hennessy and we show you how to make an egg cocktail.

PICTURE PERFECT P.92 Three high profile photographers give us the background story on some of their best images.

LAURA CSORTAN P.32 Our cover star and Celebrity Splash! contestant will dive right into your dreams in her first-ever sexy MAXIM shoot.

102 HEALTH & FITNESS SPECIAL

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TRAVEL P.98 We head to Salzburg, Austria. Salzburg translates as “Salt Fortress” – how ‘bout that?!

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SEX P.112

MACHINES P.40 Five pages of cars and bikes but all you really need to know is that the McLaren P1 has a 673kW, 3.8L twinturbocharged V8 petrol-electric hybrid engine.

Holy. F—k.

Cali MC Wax talks about weed curing writer’s block, Robert Downey Jr. returns as Tony Stark, and Russell Crowe gets kinda kung fu-ish.

Dr Nikki is giving you permission to masturbate. We knew we liked her for some reason.

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THE DECIDER P.114

FREE GIANT POSTERS

How did you get that black eye? Take our quiz and find out, you messy motherf—ker.

MAXIM AUSTRALIA PHONE: +612-9387-3180 MAIL: PO Box 1382, Bondi Junction 1355 EMAIL: maxim@maxim.com.au WEB: www.maxim.com.au FACEBOOK: www.facebook.com/maximau TWITTER: www.twitter.com/maxim_au EDITORIAL EDITOR-IN-CHIEF: Santi Pintado (spintado@nuclear.com.au) ASSOCIATE EDITOR: Daniel Steiner (dsteiner@nuclear.com.au) ART DIRECTOR: Luke Shaddock (lshaddock@nuclear.com.au)

STUFF THAT KEPT US SANE THIS MONTH...

POOLS, PENISES, AND PARTYING WITH TIMOMATIC

GROOMING EDITOR: Shonagh Walker MOTORING: Bill Varetimidis GAMING & TECH: Chris Stead STAFF PHOTOGRAPHER: Wayne Daniels

A poolside happy snap with our cover girl Laura Csortan and the crew.

There are 15 dicks in this photo at Sexpo. See if you can find them all, kids!

CONTRIBUTORS Brian Armstrong, Jesse Brukman, Patrick Carone, Seth Combs, David Dare Parker, Gavin Dennett, Brekke Fletcher, Maria Fontoura, Anthony Ippindo, Scott Jacobson, Laura Leu, Cam Mercer, Steve Nash, David Oliver, Mike Olson, David Swanson, Mark Watson PHOTOGRAPHERS Sasha Eisenman, Chris Fortuna, Kai Godeck, Danial Gowans, Andrew Hetherington, Zoe McConnell, Jeffrey Westbrook ILLUSTRATORS Brown Bird Design, Andy Macgregor ADVERTISING National Advertising Manager Drew Haywood dhaywood@nuclear.com.au .

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Our Editor-in-Chief is the filling in a blonde sandwich at Volvo’s V40 launch.

MAXIM Australia is published in Australia and New Zealand by Nuclear Enterprises Pty Ltd, trading as Nuclear Media. ABN 88 241 311 732. PO Box 1382, Bondi Junction NSW 1355. +612-9387-3180. info@nuclear.com.au.

Distributed by Gordon & Gotch, 1300-650-666. No part of this magazine may be reproduced without the written consent of Nuclear Media. No responsibility is accepted for accuracy of advertisements or information. Opinions voiced in MAXIM Australia are the opinions of the writers and may not reflect the opinions of Nuclear Media.

Any editorial submissions to MAXIM Australia become the property of Nuclear Media. ISSN 1839 0641.

The name “MAXIM” and the logo thereof are registered trademarks of Alpha Media Group Inc., which trademarks have been licensed in Australia to Nuclear Media. Copyright © 2011 Alpha Media Publishing, Inc. MAXIM® is a registered trademark owned by Alpha Media Group Inc. All rights reserved. MAXIM is published monthly by Alpha Media Publishing, Inc. 415 Madison Ave, New York, NY 10017.

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MAXIM WORLDWIDE BRAND LICENSING The much-talked about but seldom purchased Just-in Beaver sex doll.

As per usual, MARQUEE is the place to be.

Hey, Timomatic, lookin' smouldering!

INTERNATIONAL PUBLISHING MANAGER: Stephanie Marino INTERNATIONAL EDITORIAL DIRECTOR: Simon Clays SR. INTERNATIONAL OPERATIONS MANAGER: Pauline Lam INTERNATIONAL RIGHTS CO-ORDINATOR: Jeff Whitacre

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MEDIA NETWORK EDITORS IN CHIEF ARGENTINA German Pittelli AUSTRALIA Santi Pintado BULGARIA Hristo Zapryanov

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© 2013 Alpha Media Publishing, Inc. The name “MAXIM” ® and the MAXIM logo are registered trademarks of Alpha Media Group Inc., which trademarks have been licensed to Nuclear Media. MAXIM ® is a registered trademark owned by Alpha Media Group Inc. All rights reserved. The United States edition of Maxim is published monthly by Alpha Media Publishing, Inc. 415 Madison Avenue, New York, NY 10017. For international publishing or licensing inquiries: maximworld@maxim.com

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C IR C U S M A

M A X I M

BREAKING

BAD April showers bring May flowers, as the old saying goes. Now that we sound like absolute pussies, allow us to redeem ourselves by introducing you to ASHLEY BENSON, the blonde bombshell from the garish guns ’n’ gals flick Spring Breakers (out May 9). And here’s why April is her month of choice

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V I E W

MAXIMUS O F

T H E

PHOTOS: CHRIS FORTUNA

Pranks Giving “I pull April Fools’ pranks on my agent.

Last year I told him he and his dog were selected to be in some dog magazine. So he emails his whole agency saying, ‘I’m going to be on the cover with Rocket!’”

Rainy Daze “The rain is very romantic, but we never get enough of it in LA. People here are so ridiculous – they forget how to drive in the rain.

I’m like, ‘It’s not that big of a deal, folks.’”

W O R L D

Spring Break Redux “I never did it growing up, but I think filming Spring Breakers was the only spring break experience I need. It was really insane, because anything that could happen does happen in the movie.”

No Speedos Limit “I’m not against Speedos on spring break. If a guy has a great body and he wants to wear a Speedo, he should go right ahead.”

HOMETOWN: Anaheim, California.

BIRTHDAY: December 18, 1989.

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ASKMAXIM

If you’ve got a question you want answered, send it to us at: maxim@maxim.com.au

HEALTH & FITNESS EDITION

OK, so some of these queries are just plain stupid (you know who you are), but we believe even dumbarse questions deserve an answer

W H Y DOE S M Y COCK SHR INK IN COLD WATER?

Quick science lesson from Professor Condescending: C Cold makes things shrink and heat makes them e expand. As body parts that dangle, the boys are p particularly susceptible to cold. The closer your ttwig and berries are to your torso, the more life-size tthey’ll appear. So always aim to swim in warm water – and have a huge member.

E FOR E I E B T E G I D L U O C T FA HOW

X PLODE D ?

G Gastroenterologist l i Ri Richard h dD Desi, i MD MD, at M Mercy M Medical di l Center in Baltimore, assures us you’re far more likely to turn into the Blob than burst from too many beers and burgers: “Severe weight gain results in a stretching effect, and since fat accumulates slowly, your skin can theoretically stretch indefinitely.” The bad news: There are cases where individuals’ stomachs have ruptured from bingeing, like when a 23-year-old London fashion model packed away 8.6kg of food in one sitting and died almost instantaneously. Plus-size indeed.

FACT: Quentin Tarantino has said this scene makes him nauseous

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WHAT IS THE MOST PAINFUL COMMON SPORTS INJURY? In the sports injury hall of fame, the dreaded Achilles rupture is king. “Think of this tendon as a thick, taut rope,” says Mike Maloney, director of sports medicine at the University of Rochester Medical Center in New York.

“When it ruptures, it literally explodes into two halves, with the resulting ends looking like shredded cheese or the head of a mop. It’s so painful, patients classically say they felt like they were shot in the leg.” leg.

IS IT POSSIBLE FOR YO U R B L A D D E R T O ACTUALLY BURST? According to urologist Robert Thompson Jr, yes. Though it only happens with significant trauma.

“When you break or fracture your pelvis, a piece of bone may perforate the bladder,” says Thompson. “There are also instances where pressure on the bladder – because it’s blocked for some reason – can cause problems.” Thankfully, this rarely ends in a burst and more typically results in leakage. Now there’s a sentence that makes us wish we couldn’t read. Even in a no-pee scenario, like a first date or if there are monsters under your bed and you can’t make it to the bathroom, your body has a fail-safe guard against bursting – it can reabsorb urine.

LONG WILL W O H , W O N G IN K O M IF I QUIT S O RECOVER? IT TAKE MY LUNGS T

CHANCE OF AVOIDING CARDIOVASCULAR DISEASE

If you go cold turkey today, those blackened air bags you call lungs will recover faster than your grandfather after a Viagra smoothie. “Within a few weeks of quitting, your sinus congestion improves, the body better handles infection, and levels of poisonous carbon monoxide start to normalise,” says Robert Ashton, MD, chief of thoracic surgery at the Hackensack University Medical Center. Go a whole year without sucking down your precious cancer sticks and there’s a substantially decreased chance of cardiovascular disease. Ten years without a puff and your chances of dying from lung cancer are cut in half.

TIME WITHOUT CIGARETTES

”Hey, this will actually make Spider-Man 3 bearable.”

IS IT SAFE TO E AT DOG FOOD ?

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“Dog food is rich in nutrients, so it’s like having a multivitamin in your food source,” says Joseph Wakshlag, assistant professor of clinical nutrition at Cornell U. But since dogs require more minerals than humans, not just your breath will suffer longterm. The average man would need about five to seven cups of fatty, mineral-rich dog food a day, which could cause liver damage and obesity. Eat only that and you can also get scurvy.

W ILL EATING E TAPEWOR MS HELP M LOSE W EIGHT? Lucky for all the fat, lazy, donothings out there, plenty of fad weight-loss methods exist. Few are more intriguing – or disgusting – than the “tapeworm diet”. The theory is that the tapeworm causes you to lose weight by preventing your intestine from absorbing food.

Then, once you’re looking fit and trim, you take medicine to kill the damn thing. So, does it work? Kinda sorta. You will lose weight, but the slimy critters leave eggs, and they have an unfortunate tendency to escape your intestines and form cysts in other organs, where they cause fever, infections, and, should they reach your brain, seizures.

You just might wanna give that whole eating healthy and going to the gym thing one more try.

HOW CAN I IMPROVE M Y FOOT SPE E D ?

W ’ll let l R b S. SG li director di We’ll Robert Gotlin, of orthopaedics and sports rehab at Beth Israel Medical Center in New York City, handle this: 1. Unburden your load.

“Overweight people carry heavier loads, slowing them down.”

2. Work your hamstrings and quads. “Strengthening these muscles allows more force to pull you forward faster.”

3. Wear the right footwear.

“Go for a form-fitting running shoe with a good heel counter and arch support.”

4. Improve your stride length.

“You’ll cover more ground by increasing your flexibility with a lot of stretching.”

5. Fuel efficiently. “Keep a balanced diet and refrain from eating heavy within an hour of a run.”

HOW TO

HOW TO

TALK LIKE A PLASTIC SURGEON

Have Sex in an Aeroplane Toilet

at 35,000 feet Give your special lady a bumpy ride

CALIFORNIA-BASED PLASTIC SURGEON UMANG MEHTA, MD, IMPLANTS YOUR VOCABULARY Drop and Fluff “Slang patients use to refer to the settling of implants into a lower, more natural position.”

Cupid’s Bow “The double curve of the upper lip where plastic surgeons inject fillers to augment the area.”

Satyr’s Ear “Named after a goatlike creature to describe the pulling of the earlobe downward after a facelift.”

Have your girlfriend go 1 to the toilet first, wait five minutes, and then, if there’s no line, sneak in after her. People will be knocking on the door soon enough, so be prepared for a quickie.

You can handle that, right?

The trio from Triple M’s Grill Team in Sydney – Matty Johns, Mark Geyer, and Gus Worland – answer a tough topic each month

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sex with her sitting on top of you. That way, if there’s turbulence, you’re less likely to fall over or accidentally turn the sink on with your arse.

Exit together, pretending

3 one of you is sick. If

accused, deny everything and claim you were just being a helpful partner. Return to your seat, get a cocktail, and take in another hilarious episode of According to Jim. Oh, Jim, will you ever learn?!

THIS MONTH: WHAT’S YOUR TIP TO KEEPING FIT?

GUS: Well, I’d been eating bad food and not moving for a very, very long time, and got to 136kg. I’ve since lost a couple of kilos off the back of moving every day, even if it’s a 15-to-20-minute walk. It’s hard to eat correctly but 80 per cent of the time do the right thing and 20 per cent of the time don’t. I find that the 80-20 rule seems to work well in general.

MATTY: My tip for the people reading this is: The moment you read what I’m about to say, go out and buy yourself a new pair of sneakers. Then stick a calendar up on the wall and in six months, if your sneakers aren’t actually rat shit and knocked to bits, you haven’t done enough. It’s really simple. Just get out there and work hard.

MG: I agree with Matty.

You’ve got to pound the pavement. Every weekday I do an intense 22-minute workout then I walk the dog for at least half an hour. Unlike what Gus does, I’m actually the other way around – I’m eating 80 per cent bad stuff and 20 per cent good. But then I feel guilty about it and work harder in the gym or go for a bigger run. It’s all about hard work.

ILLUSTRATION: BROWN BIRD DESIGN

ASK THE GRILL TEAM

Sit on the (closed!)

2 toilet seat and have

BY THE NUMBERS

TH E

LIMITS HUMAN BODY

2.8

OF THE

BILLION PASSENGERS WERE CARRIED BY THE WORLD’S AIRLINES IN 2011.

In his book Extremes, Dr Kevin Fong combines medicine, science, and tales of survival. This edited extract explains how altitude can turn you into a pressure cooker and the destructive effects of space travel

If you rise up through the atmosphere from sea level, the going gets tough long before you get anywhere near space.

Anything above 5,000ft [1,524m] counts as ‘high altitude’ as far as physiologists are concerned. Even at these modest heights the medical problems caused by altitude can begin to develop.

Once you get to around 29,000ft [8,839m], you reach the highest point on the surface of the planet: the summit of Mount Everest. This appears to be very nearly the high-altitude limit for unsupported human life. A couple of hundred feet higher and the mountain would be unscalable without supplemental oxygen.

Mountaineers arriving at the summit of Everest do so only barely alive, having altered their physiology over weeks adapting to the challenges presented by the rarefied atmosphere. Here, with or without oxygen, every step becomes a task of Herculean scale.

Summiteers describe the excruciatingly slow plod along the last ridge that stands

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between them and their goal; each stride punctuated by great gasping bursts of hyperventilation as they struggle to repay the oxygen debt incurred. Even after weeks of adaptation, their bodies are only just capable of this feat. An unadapted individual, who hadn’t endured the weeks of acclimatisation, would be incapacitated in less than thirty seconds by exposure to the same altitude.

A typical commercial jet airliner cruises at around 36,000ft [10,972m] but the passengers and crew within are breathing normal, low-altitude air.

It is only pressurisation of the cabin that leaves them able to enjoy in-flight movies and moan about the lack of legroom, rather than loll around unconscious in their seats as a prelude to death from hypoxia [oxygen deprivation].

For it is reduction of pressure that causes us problems at high altitude. With fewer molecules of oxygen in every breath, the pressure exerted by the oxygen in our lungs falls and so too does the rate at which it

passes across the membranes of the alveoli and into our bloodstream. This leaves our red blood cells, and therefore our tissues, starved of oxygen. You can compensate for that in one of two ways: either by pressurising your environment – as commercial airlines do – or by increasing the amount of oxygen in the air that you breathe.

Commercial airlines rely upon pressure to keep their passengers properly oxygenated.

In pre-flight safety videos, flight attendants calmly show off the yellow oxygen mask that would pop out of the ceiling and dangle above your seat should cabin pressurisation

fail. Part of their briefing urges you to behave selfishly, asking that you put your own mask on before attending to anyone else. But there’s a good reason for this.

At 36,000ft [10,973m], in the absence of supplementary oxygen, a sudden loss of cabin pressure will incapacitate you in less than 30 seconds – roughly the time it would take you to fight a recalcitrant toddler – by which time both of you would be left helpless.

Things only get worse as you ascend.

Pilots of unpressurised aircraft have to compensate for the reduction in atmospheric pressure as they climb higher by increasing the concentration of oxygen that they breathe. The lives of the Second World War bomber crews, flying at altitudes of up to 40,000ft [12,192m], depended as much on the oxygen supplied to their face masks as they did on avoiding flak batteries and enemy fighter cover.

In unpressurised vehicles, the higher you go, the greater the concentration of oxygen you require in the gases that you breathe.

But above 40,000ft even pure oxygen isn’t enough to keep you alive. At this altitude the pressure falls to less than a fifth of that at sea level. Here the oxygen doesn’t exert enough pressure to drive itself across the membranes of your alveoli and load the molecules of haemoglobin in your bloodstream.

To support human life at these higher altitudes, oxygen must be breathed under pressure. These more advanced oxygen systems – the type used in modern jet fighter aircraft – comprise masks that form an airtight seal around the face and then force oxygen into your lungs at a huge rate of flow. Wearing one feels like sticking your head out of the window of a car thundering down the motorway and trying to breathe against the rush of air. The effect is to inflate your lungs like a balloon,

raising the pressure within them above the ambient pressure of the air outside; facilitating the loading of haemoglobin with oxygen and thereby ensuring your survival.

And even this only works up until a point.

Above 63,000ft [19,202m] you encounter the Armstrong line, an atmospheric limit above which the poor oxygenation of your bloodstream is no longer the only factor threatening your life. (Although the Armstrong limit refers to a space-flight boundary, it takes its name from aviation physiologist Harry George Armstrong, as opposed to he of the “one small step”.)

The Armstrong limit is essentially the altitude at which you begin to boil yourself.

Let me explain that statement a little.

Pressure cookers work because the boiling point of water, and all other liquids, rises as ambient pressure rises. Your carrots cook more quickly in a sealed cooker because the pressurised water inside is able to reach a temperature higher than 100°C before it bubbles and boils. The reverse is also true: the boiling point of liquids reduces as the pressure falls.

At the summit of Everest, water would boil at a little over 70°C. At around 63,000ft, the boiling point of water falls further, to 37°C: the same as the human body’s normal core temperature. At this, the Armstrong limit, water contained in the tissues of the body spontaneously begins to boil. Bubbles of vapour evolve and expand, swelling soft tissues, causing the body to balloon.

Interestingly – and contrary to sci-fi lore – the blood in your arteries doesn’t boil.

The muscular walls of those vessels behave like a crude pressure cooker, preventing

the water in the arterial bloodstream from boiling. But in the veins the story is different.

Here the blood flows at much lower pressures and bubbles of water vapour can and do form. With longer exposure to high vacuums, these bubbles grow and cause airlocks, bringing the circulation to a halt and eventually causing cardiac arrest.

To avoid this fate, people venturing above the Armstrong line must swap their oxygen masks for pressure suits, surrounding themselves entirely with an artificially created sphere of survival. This is part of what we come to expect of spacemen: astronauts in helmets and bulky sealed suits, insulated against the ravages of space, taking a little bubble of the Earth’s atmosphere with them.

The Armstrong limit defines the height above which simple augmentation of physiology is no longer enough. Beyond this human life depends entirely upon artificial life support for survival. And that layer around the Earth, just twelve miles high, represents the narrowest of slivers.

If the Earth were the size of a soccer ball, then the zone in which life exists unsupported would be little more than a film less substantial than a sheet of paper wrapped around its surface.

Space begins at an indefinite point. For physiologists it is the Armstrong line limit that marks its threshold, but for aircraft engineers it starts at the Von Karman line, 100km above sea level. Here the atmosphere is so thin that ordinary aircraft can no longer push against it to steer or generate lift. To the physicist, true space starts many thousands of miles away, where the statistical probability of collision between two gas molecules becomes insignificant.

But for astronauts it’s not about altitudes or pressures. For them the frontier of space, and all of its attendant risk, begins on the launch pad, from the moment the rocket engines light.

BY THE NUMBERS

235

FROM 1922 to 2012, THIS IS HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE DIED TRYING TO CLIMB EVEREST.

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Weightlessness may sound like fun, but the majority of rookie astronauts feel sick in the first 48 hours of space flight. Anti-emetic medications – those drugs that act to combat feelings of nausea – are among the most commonly prescribed during NASA space flights. The undesirable effects don’t stop there.

Deprived of gravitational load, bones fall prey to a kind of space-flight-induced osteoporosis. The balance between the populations of cells responsible for laying down and removing bone is lost, and so bones become less dense and more prone to fracture. And since 99 per cent of your body’s calcium is stored in the skeleton, as it wastes that calcium finds its way into the bloodstream, causing yet more problems.

Hypercalcaemia – a pathological state in which the levels of calcium in the blood are raised – is famous for causing a tetrad [a set of four] of clinical problems.

Constipation is the least of these, followed by pains in the long bones. More seriously, renal stones can form, blocking the route from your kidneys to your bladder, causing excruciating pain. And finally there is the possibility of psychotic depression. This list medical students remember as: bones, stones, abdominal groans and psychic moans. All four are problematic when you could be two years and more than four hundred million miles from your closest GP. And it’s not just your bones that waste away. Muscles do, too. In experiments that charted the changes in the quadriceps of rats flown in space, more than a third of the total muscle bulk was lost within nine days. More interestingly still, astronauts’ muscle fibre switches from slow twitch– the efficient, fatigue-resistant type suited to marathon running – towards the fast-twitch variety that a sprinter might prefer.

Meanwhile, the heart and its system of vessels, deprived of the need to work against the force of gravity, become deconditioned. The act of space flight enforces a sedentary existence on otherwise well-exercised physiological systems, slowly taking athletes and turning them into couch potatoes.

For the cardiovascular system, the set of finely tuned reflexes that on Earth constantly cope with changes in posture sharply deteriorate during extended space flight. Picture yourself lying on the sofa, watching back-to-back movies. The 20

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doorbell rings and you spring to your feet; your cardiovascular system is forced to make a sudden alteration. Having gone from lying to standing, the blood in your body now suddenly tries to pool in your lower limbs, reducing the volume that returns to the heart and, as a consequence, the force with which it beats. In addition, the blood that was lazily flowing between your heart and brain along your carotid arteries is now trying to travel vertically

against the pull of gravity.

Combined and unopposed, these changes will leave your brain deprived of an adequate blood supply and you unconscious on the floor. All that stands between you and that fate is a reflex that senses the drop in pressure in the carotid arteries and tells the brain to increase the rate and force of contraction of the heart, while simultaneously constricting peripheral blood vessels to restore blood pressure.

This primitive reflex is all-important. Without it, you’d end up lying in a crumpled heap every time you stood up too suddenly.

BY THE NUMBERS

1,357.64

COPYRIGHT © KEVIN FONG

SPEED (IN KM/H) OF FREE FALL REACHED

BY FELIX BAUMGARTNER IN HIS 2012 JUMP FROM THE STRATOSPHERE.

arrive back on Earth they are met by a support team that includes nurses and physicians, and they are spirited away to recuperate from the experience.

And even then, with all the care that the assembled terrestrial recovery forces can muster, there are still incidents. Returning crew members have been known to vomit at celebratory banquets, collapse in showers or run their vehicles off the road because of transient disorientation.

Others, forgetting that they have returned to a world ruled by gravity, drop expensive equipment or fragile gifts, having got used to the idea that released objects float rather than sink to the floor. Back at home, one astronaut reportedly got out of bed to change his infant son’s nappy and stood for a while wondering how he might Velcro the baby to the cot while he searched for some wipes.

Re t u r n i n g a s t r o n a u t The problems of space flight are crew members have principally those of re-adaptation to a b e e n k n o w n t o r u n t h e i r world in which gravity is the shaping force.

Re-acclimatising to that, both physically vehicles off the road and psychologically, is a challenge. On return to Earth, astronauts are carefully because of transient monitored while their bodies re-adapt. disorientation.

But on a mission to Mars they’d arrive and be entirely on their own.

The crews that arrive at Mars would do so after six-to-nine months of flight, and experience many if not all of these problems. There they would have to perform the most challenging landing in the history of human space flight. The communication delay between Earth and This is what we see in astronauts In short, most astronauts return from Mars might be up to twenty minutes. In returning from long-duration missions long-duration space flight – missions that moment of touchdown they would aboard the space station. Asked to stand of more than six months’ duration – be truly alone. Assuming they land safely still and upright for 10 minutes, a significant in a temporarily diminished state: sleep – and remember that around 50 per cent fraction are unable to do so without feeling deprived, their cardiovascular system of everything we’ve thrown at Mars has faint. This we call post-flight orthostatic de-conditioned, their muscles and crashed or disappeared – they’d then intolerance – an inability to maintain an bones weakened and their hand-eye have to leave their vehicle to walk to the upright posture. co-ordination impaired. As blissful as pre-prepared habitat. That habitat might And the impairments don’t stop there. the experience of floating around be up to half a kilometre away.

There are other, less well-understood might appear, it erodes the And that’s assuming they alterations. Red blood cell counts fall, body’s ability to function even make it that far.

EXTREMES: LIFE, DEATH AND THE LIMITS OF THE HUMAN inducing a sort of space anaemia. Immunity when challenged again by BODY, BY DR KEVIN FONG, suffers, wound healing slows and sleep is the force of gravity.

AND PUBLISHED BY HODDER chronically disturbed.

When astronaut crews & STOUGHTON, IS OUT NOW. RRP $29.99

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Sir Ben Kingsley

ICON

THE OSCAR-WINNING BRIT, WHO’S PLAYED EVERYTHING FROM GANDHI TO A SEXY BEAST, GETS VILLAINOUS IN THIS MONTH’S IRON MAN 3 Has your process changed much since you started as an actor?

I hope so. I think what I’m trying to do is strip away as many tricks as possible, so I think the latest trick I’ve developed is to do no tricks. It’s a bit of a tightrope – it makes the target very small. I think when I was in my early days, I was hitting the target with a shotgun, like scattered pellets all over it, but now it’s more – I’m hoping – like a dart that I dare to miss.

I have to be minimal.

because I’m deeply, happily married.

I love my wife very much, and she’s a spectacularly gorgeous woman.

Jew, I’m proud of my cockney gangster, I’m proud of my blessed Indian genius.

It just allowed me to be more diverse.

Tell us about the power of bald.

I think the power of bald – I’ve never analysed this before, so I’m gonna borrow what my darling wife would say.

I think she would say it’s the man saying, “You take me as you find me.” I think that it may be, because it’s the opposite of disguise, isn’t it?

Do you buy into the philosophy of the tortured artist?

I believe that actors do better work when they’re happy. Of course, we think we’re doing our best work when we’re unhappy – we feel so good between “action” and “cut” because we’re escaping everything.

The philosophy of the tortured artist is overpropagated in the wrong way. It can lead to some unhappy actors who actually treat themselves unfortunately, and terrible accidents happen, and, you know, however accidental it is, it’s tragic.

I believe that if they were told, quietly, “It’s OK to be happy”, they might live a bit longer. Bless them, you know?

Isn’t your real name Krishna Bhanji?

That’s right. It’s a gorgeous name, but when I started in the ’60s, it did limit people’s perception of me. I remember going to one audition, and they were very, very sweet guys, and they said, “It was a lovely audition, but we don’t know how to cast you.” And I changed my name and did exactly the same audition for a company 20 miles away, and they said, “When can you start?”

We YouTubed your Academy Award acceptance speech for Gandhi.

Oh, no! I looked demented. I had this awful white jacket that I bought at a sale – big mistake – and then the barber at the Beverly Hills Hotel asks me, “Would you like a little tan?” I thought a little tan would be nice in California.

So he put something on my face that turned it orange. So I have a white jacket, an orange face, and a rather odd moustache.

Are you much of a ladies’ man?

I think I know more about the malefemale dynamic now than I ever did

How did that feel?

Well, I didn’t feel any pain or sadness – I just enjoy the delicious irony of changing my name from Krishna Bhanji to Ben Kingsley in order to play Mahatma Gandhi. But also, I think, it did allow me to aspire to be a bit more kaleidoscopic in my range. So I’m proud of my Polish

Which of your characters is closest to your heart?

On Sexy Beast I had a lovely director, Jonathan Glazer, and almost simultaneously Jonathan and I agreed, on my intuition, that Don Logan was an abused child, and what happens to abused children when they’re unhealed is that they scream. They scream for love for the rest of their lives, and I think Don’s primal scream was, “I love you, so why can’t you love me?” I think that made him playable, and it helped me care about him rather than throw him under the bus as a villain.

Brekke Fletcher

Playing Itzhak Stern in 1993 ’s Schindler ’s List

Freaking out DiCaprio in Shutter Island

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Popularising the off-theshoulder look in 1982’s Gandhi

“The power of bald: It’s the opposite of disguise.”

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How do I hit on a beautiful girl like you without looking: (a) frightened or (b) like a total douchebag?

Nightclubs are the best places to pick up women if you have no game, since the music is so loud you can’t have a real conversation anyway. Some dance moves would help!

FEELING LOST AND CONFUSED? THE FORMER MAXIM USA HOMETOWN HOTTIES CHAMP WILL NOW TAKE YOUR QUESTIONS

APRIL ROSE

PHOTO: SASHA EISENMAN

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I’m having trouble housebreaking my Doberman puppy.

What can I do?

I crate-trained my 60kg bullmastiff as a puppy.

If that doesn’t work, pee in his bed, and if he tries to bite you, bite back.

My girlfriend has a thing for sex in public places, but I’m nervous we’ll get busted. How do I tell her?

Don’t be a prude!

So what if you spend a night in jail? It’s a badge of honour.

The Exotic Booze Club BRIAN ARMSTRONG travelled the world making films for National Geographic and imbibing with foreigners. We speak to him about where he’d most like to visit and the link between porn and culture

from left: The cobra kiss – a Burmese fertility ritual; a Russian ‘bear guard ’ (yes, he protects people from bears); Brian gets cosy with Malagasy wildlife

What’s with the symbiosis that exists between journalism and alcohol?

On a general level, it opens doors with other cultures and helps create relationships. This isn’t me advocating excessive alcohol consumption or anything but, if you’re in a foreign place and you need to lighten the mood, why not drink the local stuff with the locals?

Where are your favourite places you’ve been?

I really like Maui, Hawaii – specifically the hippy part. It’s the most relaxing place in the world. I actually hunkered down there for five weeks to write the book. Half-naked hippy chicks and jungle and the freedom to create my own schedule – it was a good working environment.

During the day it’s 28C and at

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night the temperature drops to 27C. Sounds like the complete opposite of The Shining. Different cultures have different senses of humour. Where have you found the locals to be particularly responsive to Aussie humour?

The Russians are great: Despite having a somewhat harsh exterior, they like a drink and they’re very warm people. I also found that if you’re with a crew and everyone’s giving each other a bit of a hard time, the locals catch on and start getting involved.

Some of the Asian countries were a little tricky and the countries where people don’t drink much were quite difficult. I’m not sure if there’s a correlation there.

Is there a way of forecasting whether the locals will be fun?

I’ve noticed you can tell a lot about a culture by its attitude to nudity, sex, and pornography. It’s a bit of a guide for how in sync you will be with a country and it also happens to be indicative of your chances of finding a decent drink. In Muslim countries it’s well known that you can easily offend with relaxed dress or revealing clothing.

Porn is very much hidden from view and these are also countries where it’s very hard to get good alcohol. In Japan they tie their porn mags up with string. The images are usually cartoons or, at the very least, have the good bits blurred out. And the women usually keep their eyes closed and always look like they’re in pain. It’s strangely suppressive, but at the same time they have vending machines where you can purchase soiled panties. How weird is that? They have some nice sake, often sold in cartons like milk, but it’s still a tricky

This is a 4.8m Nile crocodile. And a ripper of a mo

place to get seriously good and affordable top-shelf alcohol.

How about on the opposite end of the spectrum?

Well, then you take Brazil, where the local word for swimsuit means ‘dental floss’.

It’s a very Catholic country, yet it’s very relaxed when it comes to showing skin and porn. The women are sexy in body and in attitude – and they know it. And the local alcohol, cachaca (used to make delicious caipirinhas), is free flowing.

I don’t know what it all means, but for my taste, if I’m picking a vacation spot, I’m going where the attitudes are more in line with my idea of fun.

It’d be remiss of us not to ask for some travel tips. Let’s start with packing.

I tend to pack last minute. I like deadlines.

But I do have a checklist. Passport and wallet are the two essentials, though I have shown up at the airport without them before! This is kinda country dependent but I always have a light, long-sleeve shirt – that offers you mosquito protection in countries with Malaria. People often tend to forget a set of nail clippers. And even if you’re going to an extremely cold climate, take swimmers, because there are hot springs in unexpected places.

Is there a way around having an exhausting plane ride?

Go first class! In Asian countries, sometimes you can upgrade to business or even first for, like, a hundred bucks. For this press tour, I took a flight from [Washington] D.C. to Perth and that was 30 hours. That’s about as gruelling as it gets. First off, you need to get a window or aisle seat. As soon as I get on a plane, I set my watch to the time zone I’m going to and force myself to get in sync with that. It’s tempting to watch all the on-flight movies but it’s better to sleep and ward off jetlag.

OK, so once we arrive, how should we go about orienting ourselves?

I find that, even in Hawaii, there are scary parts of town, and you need to work out where they are – you don’t want to get lost there. Staying at a hostel will allow you to gain a lot of info: You can talk to other foreigners about what’s going on, where to go, where not to go, etc.

Which locations are still on your to-visit list?

I haven’t been to Mongolia yet. Antarctica is high on the list – I can’t believe I haven’t been there. And I’d like to get to Cuba before Castro dies.

I wouldn’t mind going back to Burma, now that it’s opened up a little more. It’s a place very rich in history and they’re in danger of doing damage to that, since they don’t have much in the way of protecting it.

What would you do in Antarctica?

You can go as a tourist but I don’t really want to do that. Get off the boat, take a photo of a penguin, then get back on.

There’s actually a volcano there with a permanent lava lake and it looks so cool, with the fire and ice contrast. It’ll take a bit of prep work but I’m very keen to get over there. And claim it on tax!

Daniel Steiner

THE EXOTIC BOOZE CLUB, BY BRIAN ARMSTRONG, AND PUBLISHED BY ALLEN & UNWIN, IS OUT NOW. RRP $26.99

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Futura

ICON

Legendary New York-based artist and designer Leonard McGurr, more commonly known as Futura, has collaborated with Hennessy. He talks about the benefits of staying alive

What’s your favourite colour?

The first that comes to mind is black but it’s not a colour, I’ve been told. Fuchsia is warm – I like that.

You did some spray painting at the Melbourne launch party. Do you ever get nervous doing live stuff?

No. That Hennessy thing wasn’t highly pressurised and it’s not like I’m going to look at the work after.

I couldn’t have people watching me paint in my studio but this was more about connectivity with an audience. Thirty-something years ago, when I was doing stuff onstage with The Clash – over a period of four nights, on a large backdrop that was a work in progress each night – that was my first taste of it and I was very nervous. More so because it had more permanence and I knew people would be judging it over time.

Do you ever think about your legacy?

Not really. I’m aware of the history – I was an eyewitness to it, and I did it – but, at this point in my life, I have other things I value more than that. When I’m dead, the legacy will sort itself out. Hopefully I’ll have a foundation in place and my children will be taken care of. That’s the real legacy. In terms of the art, over time, everything solidifies quite well. You can’t really argue with something that’s endured for 25,

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30 years. It’s interesting, because all I’ve actually done is survive till now, and that’s working for me. Not being a drug addict and surviving through New York in the ’80s – that has value in itself.

You’re in Australia with your daughter. How would you rate yourself as a dad?

Different, but my kids knew that from a young age. Now, I think I play the role of father and friend. One of the cool things about this gig is that it’s allowed me to travel around the world and I’ve been able to take my kids with me to certain cities.

It was a challenge to be a young dad but me and my wife did a damn good job.

We’re separated now but we’re still friends and we high-five over the way we raised our kids.

Some people are critical when an artist collaborates with a big brand, like Hennessy. But you’ve said, quite rightly, that you can’t feed your family on artistic purity.

Everyone is on their own trip. Young artists don’t think about family or having to support others. I’ve got a lot of friends: Some have children, some don’t. The ones without children, I know their commitment to things isn’t as deep as

those who have a family.

Keith Haring, Kenny Scharf, Basquiat, and he also had a famous actor named Dennis You didn’t work solely as an artist when Hopper. He was also a photographer you were younger, right?

– like, pretty much from the I worked. I’m from the old school, so same time he began acting. when we needed money as a young There was this exhibition family, I was like, “I’m the man. I’ll of his and Tony introduced handle it.” But there were times when me to Dennis. We had a I was like, “Damn, man. five-minute I d o n’ t c o n s i d e r We’re broke. I’m in debt. discussion And it’s gonna take a little b e i n g a n a r t i s t a j o b . and one thing while to get out of this.”

I j u s t d o w h a t I d o he said to me a n d I h a p p e n t o g e t was, “Avoid Do you consider what c o m p e n s a t e d f o r i t . arrogance, you do a job? complacency, No. To me, a job is being on a payroll and greed.” And I was and having a salary and working eight like, “Yeah, totally”, hours per day. When art becomes nodding my head work, I’d rather get a regular job. slowly. Those are I just do what I do and I happen to three things you get compensated for it. I know what don’t wanna be. real work is, so I’m grateful to be doing He phrased it so simply, but this. But there is a point when you need it was so deep, so I really to decide: Hey, I need to get paid so I can took it to heart.

Daniel Steiner deal with bills or buy food or whatever.

Do you ever look at your old work and think, ‘Hmm… that wasn’t very good’?

Absolutely. All the time. My famous train car from 1980, I think that’s pretty epic and awesome. Some of the paintings, I’ll look at the lines and be like, “What was I doing?

That’s amateur hour.” But today I do see an evolution of my work, technically and stylewise. When I started, people used to compare me to Kandinsky or say I’d imitated his work, and I’d find it almost insulting because I had no idea who he was. It’s funny, because now people’s work gets compared to mine.

The Hennessy V.S. limited edition bottle by Futura retails for $70 (700mL)

What’s the best advice you’ve ever received?

Back in the ’80s, I showed with a gallery called Tony Shafrazi Gallery. Tony had

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Go Suck an Egg Easter may have passed but that didn’t stop MARIENA MERCER, GM and mixologist at the Chandelier bar in Vegas, from whipping up an eggy cocktail

Thai Me Down • 45mL Bombay Sapphire gin • 45mL ginger-infused egg whites* • 30mL simple syrup • 22.5mL lemon juice • 30mL coconut milk • Sprinkle of Chinese five spice • 30mL ginger beer

*Although infusing the egg is optional, Mercer recommends it to keep your drink from smelling like an Easter Bunny fart. “Egg whites can have an off-putting odour. The aroma of the ginger will infuse through the shell,” she says. Just place sliced ginger in an egg carton and refrigerate overnight.

1. Shake first six ingredients in a mixing glass to break apart the egg whites.

2. Add ice, shake again, and strain over fresh ice.

3. Top with ginger beer and stir.

Bloody delicious Solerno Blood Orange Liqueur sounds kinda girly – and, believe us, we did have some reservations about it. But it was created by the same Master Distiller as Hendrick’s Gin, so it not only gets mad points for having credible heritage but also for its mixing potential.

One cocktail you could fashion from it is a Solerno & Sparkling, which, again, sounds like the sort of thing you’d order if you wanted your testicle ownership called into question, but, seeing as Solerno alone is 40 per cent ABV, each glass is a tasty jab from a fist in a velvet glove.

>30mL Solerno Blood Orange Liqueur >150mL dry sparkling wine Pour over ice in a tall glass and garnish with several thinly sliced blood orange wheels.

Lay It Safe Choose good eggs.

Pasteurised eggs are your safest bet, since they’re processed with heat to kill bacteria and viruses.

Simply, fresh is best.

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Give them the chills.

Eggs should be kept in their carton and stored in the coldest part of the fridge, as opposed to the egg container at the front.

Do a once-over.

Don’t use eggs that have cracks, and clean off any icky stuff on the shell. And check the yolks and whites for any abnormalities.

Lose the germs.

Unless you’re making a 120-proof cocktail, the alcohol isn’t going to kill any bacteria, so make sure hands and utensils are clean.

Solerno Blood Orange Liqueur (700mL) retails for $70

PHOTO: JEFFREY WESTBROOK

Wise up when using raw eggs in cocktails.

Baa-a-a-d to the bone AWARD-WINNING CHEF MICHAEL PSILAKIS ON HOW TO MAKE AN AUTHENTIC GREEK BARBECUE

Motorised roasting spit 6m of aluminium wire Pliers 2 U-bolt clamps 6 x 10kg bags of charcoal 15kg of wood chips, preferably hickory, soaked overnight in water 1. Take the spit and push it through

the opening in the lamb’s backside and through the body cavity. The back fork should be secured into the hind legs.

2. Slide the front fork into the shoulders. Then pull the front legs above where the lamb’s head would be and fasten them to the spit using

wire and pliers.

Extend the hind legs in the same fashion.

3. To secure the lamb properly, force one U-bolt through the middle of the back. Move 15cm to the rear and fasten the other.

4. Light the fire (it should be about 150°C) and set

Greek oregano, salt, and black pepper. Whisk to taste, then just pour it into a bucket.

SEASONING Wet the lamb down with water inside and out and season with salt and pepper. As it’s rotating, just keep basting it with the lemon-oil mixture.

Five hours later you’ll see that the skin is starting

to crack and pull away, and you’re also going to see juices dripping from the animal. After six to seven hours, it’s ready to eat right off the spit.

Just pull off a piece and you’ll get this smoky, salty, crispy, but really lemony sort of skin with soft flesh underneath.

Go at it!

PHOTO: ANDREW HETHERINGTON

ASSEMBLING THE SPIT AND FIRE

the motor on the slowest setting.

Grab a lawn chair and a six-pack – you’re gonna be outside for a while.

THE LAMB Thanks to the digital age, you can get a lamb delivered to you overnight. Try to get a baby under 15kg – those are the most succulent, and you’ll be surprised to see there’s almost no fat on the animal.

LEMON OIL In a mixing bowl, combine 2L fresh lemon juice, 1L extra-virgin olive oil, ¼ cup dry

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RNED-TV U T A I L A R ISS AUST PLASH! M S R Y E T I M R R B E FO AND CEL R E T ORTAN, N S E C S A R PRE U A N T, L A Y CONTEST HER SEX O T N I S DIVE EBUT MAXIM D

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t’s been a while since your last men’s mag shoot. How did you feel posing for MAXIM? Strangely, I felt a lot more confident and uninhibited. I was a lot more comfortable in this shoot than any other I’ve done. I’m feeling the fittest I ever have, and I guess when you feel this way it gives you more confidence.

I feel very comfortable in my own skin right now and that’s what being a woman is all about. It’s about embracing yourself and your capabilities. It’s like, this is me, this is who I am.

How did you prepare for it?

Leading up to the shoot I’d been keeping pretty fit anyway, so I didn’t really have to change anything. I’m a big advocate of healthy eating and fitness, so I wasn’t pigging out on pizza the night before or anything like that. So I didn’t really have to change my routine too much.

This issue has a health and fitness theme.

What do you do to look this amazing?

I love Pilates. Nothing shapes my body better. Plus I swim and do lots of walking with my dog Abbey, who needs a lot of exercise.

That sounds lame but it’s true.

When do you feel your sexiest?

I feel sexiest when I’ve just come out of the ocean, hanging out on the beach in the sun, and the salt dries on my skin.

Why did you want to do this shoot?

Well, I’ve always been a big fan of the magazine. I’ve followed you guys since you launched and you’ve had such strong and sexy women on the cover who I really admire. MAXIM is definitely something I’ve always wanted to do, so when I was approached to do it I jumped at the opportunity.

How did you feel after?

I pretty much crashed out. There’s so much going on at the moment. Together with my training regime for Celebrity Splash!, I’m flying to and from Los Angeles, I’m doing MAXIM.COM.AU

Most of our readers would remember you as The Great Outdoors host. What have you been up to since then?

I’ve been doing a lot of travelling back and forth between Sydney and Los Angeles over the past few years – hosting various TV shows and getting a lot of other hosting work. I was really honoured to be asked to MC the recent G’Day USA party. I was up onstage with the likes of Keith Urban and John Travolta, and it was fantastic to be with people I really respect.

So you got to party with Travolta?

Yeah, I hung out with my new best mate John Travolta – ha! Actually, when I introduced Keith Urban, Keith tried to get John Travolta to sing with him, and John was literally clasping onto my arm, but I was pushing him to join Keith. It was a lot of fun, and it’s so weird how these situations occur but yeah, it was a big highlight for me.

You’re a former Miss Australia, TV presenter, model, celebrity contestant… any other career highlights so far?

Besides hosting G’Day USA, it would have to be working on a travel show for so many years and continually seeing what the world has to offer. From hanging out with orangutans in Borneo to sleeping out with the polar bears in the Arctic Circle to staying at the Ritz in Paris. I’ve been so fortunate.

I FEEL VERY COMFORTABLE IN MY OWN SKIN RIGHT NOW.

What do you wear to bed? Are you a PJs, undies, or commando kinda girl?

More than usual commando! I rarely sleep in pyjamas. I often don’t even pack them when I travel.

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a regular travel segment for The Morning Show, I’m doing photo shoots… Look, it’s everything I want and more, but you have to be careful and balance your time for the sake of your health.

What’s the best celebrity freebie you’ve ever received?

I was given a Ducati S2R 800 Monster for a few years. That was pretty cool.

You live in LA for a few months of the year.

How does that work for your boyfriend Chris [Joannou – from Silverchair]?

It just does. When distance is an element it just has to work. We both have our own things going on and we’re very fixed in our careers and we respect both that. As long as you keep the lines of communication open, it’s all good.

You’ve been to so many A-list events over the years. What’s the best party you’ve ever been to?

I went to The Grammys a few years ago and that was pretty insane – the after parties were crazy, especially Jamie Foxx’s. But within Australia we have some pretty cool parties. The Evening with Stevie Wonder party in Sydney was great. A few of us went upstairs to hang out at the after party and I literally took a second to look around the room and there’s Stevie Wonder sitting to my left, next to him is Leonardo DiCaprio, Russell Crowe, Olivia Newton-John, Sacha Baron Cohen… it was ridiculous. Everyone was in a really great mood and letting their hair down. It was very surreal.

What’s the freakiest thing someone has tweeted you?

The other day, a guy who found out I was on Celebrity Splash! tweeted, “I’m already frothing to see Laura Csortan in a bikini and high heels.” At the end he wrote, “Call me.” OK, sure I’ll call you, no worries – ha! It’s pretty funny.

Tell us more about Celebrity Splash!.

The show is crazy. It’s basically getting 14 celebrities, myself included, and teaching us how to dive like an Olympian. Ten metres is the highest platform we have to dive off and it’s so daunting. But I love that adrenalin high and fighting your demons.

You’re up there and you’re looking down and everything in your body is telling you not to jump – but you just do. It’s awesome.

What’s the toughest thing aspect of the show?

Well, it’s terrifying because there’s a lot of danger involved in learning how to dive.

There’s so much risk of injury, and I’ve already hurt myself a few times, but you have to brush it off and keep going. I have a natural competitive streak and I do push myself. I always put a lot of pressure on myself to be good at something.

What’s the craziest rumour you’ve ever heard about yourself?

That I have two children. I think what started the rumour was a photo on Instagram, where I’m posing with my niece and nephew on each hip. I had the make-up lady at Channel Seven say to me, “I must say, you have the best body for someone with two children.” Hilarious.

Finally, what would you do if you were Julia Gillard for a day?

Legalise gay marriage and ban all factory farming.

Santi Pintado

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BLACK SWIMSUIT WWW.LISAMAREE.COM.AU

Status Update Hometown: Sydney Background: “My dad is Hungarian and mum is a third-generation Aussie. I can speak a little Hungarian, as well as French, Italian, and German. It comes in handy with all the travelling I do.”

Porn name [first pet/ first street]: “Curly Bradbrook. Curly was our first dog, a poodle.”

Favourite indulgence: “Spaghetti Bolognese.

I can eat that stuff until it comes out of my ears.”

Celebrity doppelganger: “I get told I look like Marisa Miller.”

Follow her on Twitter: @LauraCsortan

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SEAFOLLY JACKET WWW.SEAFOLLY.COM.AU

I WAS A LOT MORE COMFORTABLE IN THIS SHOOT THAN ANY OTHER I’VE DONE.

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PHOTOS: WAYNE DANIELS; STYLING: DANA CASE

I HAVE A NATURAL COMPETITIVE STREAK AND I DO PUSH MYSELF. I ALWAYS PUT A LOT OF PRESSURE ON MYSELF TO BE GOOD AT SOMETHING.

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Believe the Hype THE CLOSEST YOU’LL GET TO DRIVING IN A GRAND PRIX – IF YOU CAN AFFORD THE $1.5M PRICE TAG Fresh from its Geneva debut comes McLaren's P1, a hypercar and side project from the famous Formula 1 team.

What sets it apart from other supercars is its V8 petrolelectric hybrid system, which will emit less than 200g/km, and a battery pack that will power an all-electric driving mode for 10km.

An F1-based Kinetic Energy Recovery System (KERS) and Drag Reduction System (DRS)

will feature, reducing the rear wing’s angle by 23 per cent and, thus, increasing awesomeness by an estimated 69 per cent.

For those who wipe with $100 notes and make cocaine snowmen when they’re bored, the P1 will come with a price tag under $2 million. McLaren claim that you’ll get a supercar that is road and track ready. As long as it’s ready to attract hotties, who cares about roadworthiness?

Worldwide production units

will max out at 375 and McLaren have taken deposits from 100 potential buyers. It will be strictly left-hand drive, and brand new left-handers cannot be registered for road use in Australia. Then again, it’s not like these buyers give a shit.

2013 MCLAREN P1 Engine: 3.8L twinturbocharged V8; petrol-electric hybrid.

Transmission: Seven-speed dual-clutch.

Power: 673kW. Fuel Consumption: 8.4L/100km.

0-100km/h: Under 3.0 seconds.

Top Speed: 350km/h (limited).

Price: $1.5 million.

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Aussie Pride A PRESENT FROM THE PAST It’s been 25 years since the drama between late legend Peter Brock and Holden led to Holden Special Vehicles (HSV) replacing Brock’s Holden Dealer Team (HDT). Now, HSV have released the limited edition GTS to mark that moment as a present to themselves – and all redblooded, meat-devouring Aussie males everywhere.

It’s run by the same LS3 V8 used in the standard GTS but with magnetic ride control suspension and a bi-mode exhaust for a more free-flowing drive and icing on the cake.

HSV claim there is a 50 per cent increase in the brake pad area, thanks to new six-piston brakes. Unfortunately, most of us won’t experience that difference unless we hit the track and play Stig for the day.

The Satin Graphite bonnet scoops, side vents, and 20-inch alloys save weight (22kg total), while the Side Blind Zone Alert system, which assists with blind spots, saves face.

HSV’s general manager of sales, Darren Bowler, is proud as punch, saying, “This GTS embodies race-bred performance, design, and technology at a price that represents outstanding value.” There are only 125 available and all are individually numbered.

You could either get 18 of these or one McLaren P1.

2013 HOLDEN COMMODORE HSV GTS Engine: 6.2L LS3 V8.

Transmission: Six-speed manual.

Power: 325kW. 0-100km/h: 4.9 seconds.

Top Speed: 283km/h.

Price: $84,990.

On The Volkswagen COMING STRAIGHT OUTTA EMDEN Out goes the Passat CC, in comes the Volkswagen CC. With it comes a restyling, a fifth seat, and a Driver Fatigue Detection system.

Like the older model, the new CC is made at VW’s Emden plant in Northern Germany – the fun part of the country. The CC come in entrylevel front-wheel diesel and top-level all-wheel V6. The diesel has two left tailpipes, while the petrol can be distinguished by chrome pipes on the left and right.

Both versions have bi-xenon headlights and a choice of Black Nappa or Desert Beige leather interior.

Besides ABS and eight airbags, safety comes with the optional Side

Assist (lane-changing assistant) and Lane Assist (lane departure warning system).

The competition is, like the number of women who would willingly sleep with us, few and far between: The Jaguar XF 2.2L diesel is a great-looking head turner but comes in at $24,000 more than the CC, while the Peugeot 508 has style but is a sedan and not a coupe. Winner by default?

2013 VOLKSWAGEN CC Engine: 2.0L turbo-diesel; 3.6L V6 AWD. Transmission: Sixspeed dual-clutch.

Fuel Consumption: 5.7L/100km (diesel); 9.7L/100km (petrol).

Power: 125kW (diesel); 220kW (petrol).

0-100km/h: 8.6 seconds (diesel); 5.6 seconds (petrol).

Price: $54,990 (diesel); $64,990 (petrol).

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So Falcon Good AUSTRALIA’S QUICKEST PRODUCTION CAR What you see here is essentially an Aussie, four-door Mustang.

Known as ‘Project Panther’, Ford Performance Vehicles (FPV) chief engineer Bernie Quinn maintains it’s the first FPV with launch control, and that the balls of the beast – the V8 – is the most powerful developed for an Aussie-made muscle car ever. Having driven one at Ford’s Proving Grounds in Victoria, we more than agree.

Bernie’s boys tested the RSPEC against the US-built Ford Mustang, BMW M3, and Mercedes-Benz C63 AMG to see if the competition had any staying power. The problem was in their own backyard, though: The Falcon’s torque was so intense, bigger rubbers were needed – we’ve all had that issue before.

Enter the 275mm Dunlop MaxxSport rubbers on 19-inch wheels, suspension upgrades, and reinforced engine mounting points, so as to satisfy any shortcomings. Besides badges, you can ID the GT by the C-shaped stripe that references older Mustang Boss models. Not to miss out, the NSW Police chose a white R-Spec (build #150) for themselves to commemorate the force’s 150th anniversary.

Of course they upgraded to 400kW, making it the most powerful Australian highway patrol car. Good luck getting away from this one.

2013 FORD FALCON FPV GT RSPEC Engine: 5.0L supercharged V8.

Transmission: Sixspeed manual/auto.

Power: 375kW. 0-100km/h: 4.5 sec.

Top Speed: 250km/h (limited).

Price: $76,990.

Audi Got Back A WAGON WITH SPLIT PERSONALITY It’s true most wagons feel like they’re carrying a cinderblock in their arse, but this Audi behaves in a way its body type shouldn’t.

It will hold like araldite no matter the speed, and while it won’t read the road like an M3, it will make like a Ford Focus ST and balance like a Russsian gymnast on a beam, thanks to the Quattro AWD. Now that it downs 20 per cent less fuel, the emissions are 249g CO2 per km.

You

2013 AUDI RS4 AVANT

wouldn’t know it though, thanks to its macho growl (even audible at lower revs). The interior, while black as burnt coal, is all class; the bucket seats, which provide comfort on both track and highway, are all ass. Even Jeremy Clarkson is a fan.

Engine: 4.2L V8.

Transmission: Seven-speed twin-clutch.

Power: 331kW. Fuel Consumption: 10.7L/100km.

0-100km/h: 4.7 sec.

Top Speed: 280km/h.

Price: $149,400.

WORDS: BILL VARETIMIDIS

Released together with the Audi TT RS and RS5, the Avant comes two decades after the first RS, and like the original ’00 – ’01 RS4, comes in your choice of wagon or wagon.

While the auto tailgate and 1430L of cargo space may impress some, it’s the nadsnumbing 8,250rpm inducted air V8 that gets us toey – and not a turbo or supercharger in sight.

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Kawasaki Bomb READY FOR BATTLE, EVEN AT STANDSTILL

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way device allows the rider to select from mild to wild. If you don’t mind hands-on action, a fuelinjection programming kit is available to self-tune, while Showa’s Separate Function Fork allows the spring to be pre-loaded with a single clicker – a clicker a day keeps the mechanic away. The narrow frame and flatter seat mean room to move, while the side covers interlock with the airbox, giving you room to grip and hang on with your knees. Always ready for action, you could pick it up on your way to the track, the X Games, or the paper route.

2013 KAWASAKI KX250F Engine: 249cc liquidcooled, four-valve, DOHC, four-stroke.

Transmission: Five-speed multiplate chain.

Weight: 106.2kg.

Fuel capacity: 6.1L. Seat Height: 945mm.

Price: $10,999.

ROMANIAN DESIGN + INDIAN FLAVOUR = AN INTERNATIONAL INCIDENT Romanian designer Vasilatos Ianis says of his creation, “The idea includes both technical solutions taken from the rich history of Indian motorcycles and new and futuristic solutions that defines the concept.”

Before the ability to boast was an option, Vasilatos submitted his idea to Local Motors for development.

Local Motors provide a community service that lets regular Joes engage in engineering, concept, and design to create what will hopefully be an automotive wonder and not a total lemon that will bring shame to your village and family crest.

Pre-orders are taken and the buyers can then build

their concepts themselves in one of Local’s microfactories. Not a cheap exercise, but well worth the experience if you can afford it and if you can keep your design away from Samsung before they copy it. SNAP! Luckily, Ianis did, and his Gorilla will have you sitting like a silverback with its muscular, Americana, '60s retro style, and old timey instrumentation on the handgrips. His Gorilla goes massive, with a V4 engine covered with old school vented grilles, big boy exhaust pipes, shitloads of chrome, and 32-inchers. We’d say it’s similar to the bikes from Tron, but people would

actually buy a ticket to see the Gorilla V4. Man, we’re in Bitch Mode today.

WORDS: BILL VARETIMIDIS

INDIAN GORILLA V4

With a twin-injector engine ready to challenge the 450s – and a better-handling chassis – it’s no shock that the 2013 KX250F is the quickest production bike in its class. Class dismissed. By changing the angle of the injectors (one forward, one back), straightening the intake port, adding a header pipe, and adopting a high-flow muffler, Kawa has produced a 250 motocrosser on steroids – and laughs in ASADA’s face. From idle this thing just keeps revving and producing power, only backing off when the rev-limiter party-poops.

A new interchangeable three-

Carbon Max AN APRILIA REBOOT BECOMES AN AUSSIE EXCLUSIVE For Aprilia, 2012 was a struggle for its V-fours. Sales didn’t rise with Japanese counterparts’, and its rival BMW S1000RR became the king of Euro sports bikes. Thus, the RSV4 Carbon Special Edition was born – a carbon-infused factory model from importer John Sample Automotive, exclusive to

Aussie customers and here for a launch of Gangnam proportions. Each bike comes with individual ID and is dominated by a stocky, phat fairing and ‘Carbon’ logo.

Other bikes dare not stare it down – except maybe the

aggressive-looking Dorsoduro 1200 Supermoto. Even then the RSV4 prevails, with a 10kg weight loss thanks to the lighter racing exhaust and lithium-ion battery. This makes it more m than agile, plus it is eq equipped with the three ride mo modes: T (Track), S (Sports), and R (Road), which can be cha changed on-the-go, even wit without a hands-free kit. On the bike, tech pr0n comes cou courtesy of the Aprilia Pe Performance Ride Control (AP (APRC), with traction, wheelie, and launch control, and a qui quickshifter you’ll wish you cou could take anywhere. On-track, the RSV4R Factory has made the franchise proud, with Max Bia Biaggi winning the World Su Superbikes in 2010, and Marco Me Melandri kicking major colon in 2012.

2 Get amongst it.

APRILIA RSV4 CARBON SPECIAL EDITION Engine: Liquid/oilcooled, eight-valve, 65-degree DOHC V-four.

Transmission: Six- speed chain.

Weight: 169kg.

Power: 138kW. Fuel Capacity: 17L. Seat Height: 845mm.

Price: $39,990.

VIP Only A DIRTY NIGHT ON THE TOWN A favoured brand for celebs because of their high quality, exclusivity, and paparazzi evasiveness, the Alabamabased Confederate Motorcycle Company now introduces the X132 Hellcat (named after the F6F Hellcat WWII plane) to its er lineup. Confederate founder mbers, and CEO, H. Matthew Chambers, ing, described the X132 by saying, “This is the motorcycle we were nI conceived to execute when ears founded the company 21 years ago.” What the company is most ble’ proud of is the ‘indestructible’ hich billet aluminium engine, which craftis machined from 6061 aircrafte grade aluminium and made ma’s in-house, thanks to grandma’s recipe. They agree it won’t be ngleeveryone’s bag, being a singleseater, loud, and choppy, but

with Race-Tech rear suspension, Beringer and Brembo stoppers, and special 50mm Marzocchi forks, it will be a big pleaser with the loud, single folk. Rider support, such as wire throttle or electric aids, are not so much lacking as totally missing, but there is fuel injection, which means in any gear the throttle is a speed dial to 1800-BOOST. Only 164 of these hand-mades will be built in what is being described as ‘the antithesis

2012 CONFEDERATE X132 HELLCAT

of mass production’ and ‘skeletal minimalism’. Not so money minimal, considering you can purchase three BMW S1000RR’s for the price of one X135.

Engine: X132 Copperhead; 132 cubic in. (2,163cc); fuel injected V-Twin.

Transmission: Close ratio, fivespeed chain.

Power: 98kW. Seat Height: 711mm.

Weight: 226kg.

Price: $49,500.

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Millilit res o be pro f sweat can duce by eac d daily h foot .

More booze! More sex!

And 20 other science-y secrets to living longer and stronger without becoming some kind of annoying health freak If you sit at a computer all day, save your eyes by using the high-five test: You’re too close if you can’t fully extend your arm to give your monitor a high-five. Or a fist bump, if your computer’s a douche.

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To increase your metabolism, eat one teaspoon of cinnamon per day, which also helps to control blood sugar levels. Or just smash two cinnamon buns daily and revel in your fatness.

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Always forgetting people’s names?

When you meet someone, repeat their name back to them with a “Nice to meet you.” Just doing that will boost your ability to remember by 30 per cent. Incorporating another sense by shaking hands will also help. Licking? Not so much.

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After a workout, skip the Gatorade and treat yourself to a big glass of… chocolate milk.

Its carbohydrate and protein content is great for tired muscles, while the water content prevents dehydration. All that calcium is just an added bonus. As is the handsome milk moustache. Grr!

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Just a few of the gross foods that are very good for you: calf liver, cod liver oil, Vegemite or Marmite, beef brains, blood pudding.

Got a cold? Don’t blow your nose. It reverses the flow of mucus into the sinuses, slowing drainage. Instead, try decongestants and blowing one nostril at a time.

Yes, snot rockets are good for you.

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Sleeping one more precious hour per night makes a man just as happy as receiving a $60,000 raise. (Note to boss: We’ll still take the raise.)

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To determine how many kilojoules you need per day, non-athletic men (we’re not pointing fingers) should multiply their weight by 12.

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Try a cup of decaf and dial up the easy-listening station on the way to work on Monday: Statistically speaking, that’s the day when you’re most likely to have a heart attack.

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10 Cleary not one of those ‘shy guys’

No choice but to use a public toilet? Pick the crapper closest to the door. Shy guys prefer to be as far from the entrance as possible, meaning the closest stall has fewer bacteria (and more toilet paper).

THE TOTAL PACKAGE Why should your glutes get all the glory? Here are four exercises for the rest of your y flabby anatomy

Penis

Maxim Tested

Forget the infomercials. p For a longer schlong, wrap thumb and pointer in an OK sign around the base of your lubricated semi and move it up the shaft, stopping before the tip. Repeat 50 times. But beware the boner killer: This carries a risk of nerve damage.

Tongue Improve speech and swallowing ability with this oral push-up. Stick out your tongue and use a spoon to push down on the muscle, while simultaneously pushing back. Hold for a count of five. If your tongue gets sore, gargle with Dencorub.

Face Inhale through your nose, close your eyes tight, and scrunch up your face. Then exhale out your mouth, stick out your tongue, and roll eyes up. Repeat three times daily for supple, wrinkle-free skin – punctuated with bouts of Claire Danes crazyface.

Toes To beef up your cute little tootsies, place 20 marbles on the floor and use your toes to pick them up, one by one. Then place them in a bowl or – if you have an opponent who is not easily replused by bunions – a Chinese checkers board.

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Maxim Tested

Light to moderate alcohol consumption helps your memory.

In one study, people who consumed up to two glasses of wine a day were 45 per cent less likely to develop Alzheimer’s disease.

However, if you drink more than that, your memory is... Wait, how did we get here?

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LIVE FOREVER !

Dan D Da an Bu B Buettner, uet ettn tner er e ex explorer xpl xpl plo orre err and author of health book The Blue Zones, went to Ikaria, Sardinia, and Okinawa to find out how the natives live so long “You can feel good about drinking – drinkers outlive non-drinkers – but if you exceed three drinks a day, you get into negatives. And don’t mix in sugar.”

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“Daily activity, such as walking or manual labour, are a lot better for you than running marathons or pumping iron. Those are bad long-term strategies.”

Trim your diet by just 10 calories per day – that’s an apple slice or one Pringle – to lose half a kilo in a year.

Of course, in the case of Pringles, this is scientifically impossible, as once you pop, you can’t stop.

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When it’s time to remember something, breathe deeply and slowly. That switches the electrical pulses in your brain to mimic hypnagogic sleep, which makes you sharper when you wake up from a nap.

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Years added to your life expectancy if you’re sedentary less than three hours a day.

Eating two slices of cheese per day cuts the risk of Type 2 diabetes by 12 per cent. (Eating two blocks of cheddar when you get home after a night out may have the opposite effect. Also, wack nightmates.)

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For all the wine snobs out there, avoid purple teeth with this trick from cosmetic dentist Dr Laura Torrado: “Bite on a piece of cheese before drinking reds. The fat will create a protective layer against the dark tannins of red wine.”

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“One thing to cut from your diet is soda. It’s just sugar.

In the areas I visited, they eat a fraction of the refined sugars that Americans do.”

NAP TIME

“In all these areas, residents eat a lot of beans and nuts.

It’s alright to eat meat, but the ideal amount is about five times a month.”

Your new excuses for dozing off at work

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“Big ups to coffee. In Ikaria they drink four to five cups a day. It’s associated with lower rates of Parkinson’s and diabetes.”

15-20 30-60 60-90 MINUTES MINUTES MINUTES IMPROVES ALERTNESS

ENHANCES RECALL AND MEMORISATION

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“Being social favours longevity, so it justifies the inclination to go out every night. In Ikaria most men are sexually active into their 90s and 100s!”

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Every lady ’s ultimate foursome

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ally do h your body actu g u ro th e rs u co es that trointestinal juic as g d an , oo g , p What the goo

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1 4

5. ENDOLYMPH Produced by: The ear.

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1. BILE Produced by: The liver.

What it does: Stored in the gallbladder, bile allows your body to digest fat.

If it’s leaking: You’ve probably exhausted all your stomach contents in a serious puke session. On an empty stomach, the fluid that remains is typically bile and gastric juice.

2. CEREBROSPINAL FLUID Produced by: The brain.

What it does: Suspends

your brain, protecting it from impact and from crushing itself under its own weight (not a problem for the typical MAXIM editor).

If it’s leaking: Quick, hug a loved one! An injury where this stuff comes out of your head is bad news re: living.

3. CHYME Produced by: The stomach.

What it does: Surprisingly, your body is unable to digest 17 bratwursts in their natural state. Once stomach acid and bile hit a meal, the semi-liquid goo that remains

is chyme, which is then sent on to the small intestine.

If it’s leaking: It’s acidic enough to damage your insides and the chances of an infection are pretty great, so please don’t poke yourself in the stomach with that skewer.

What it does: A series of chambers full of this fluid surrounds the inner ear, creating an environment for nerves to interpret sound through fluid waves, and acts as an internal level to keep you balanced.

If it’s leaking: The stuff is toxic, and if it gets out of those chambers it will damage your ability to hear and maintain an upright position. Get back in there!

4. BLOOD

6. TEARS

Produced by: Bone marrow.

Produced by: The lacrimal gland.

What it does: Delivers oxygen, glucose, and disease-fighting agents to the rest of the body.

If it’s leaking: You’ve been stabbed, shot, punched, burned, stab-punched, or even burned-shot. Blood is the first fluid to go, and your body rushes it to a wound to help the healing process.

What they do: Constantly lubricate your eyeballs.

Excess occurs because of an emotional (Les Misérables) or immune response (to flush out the junk).

If they’re leaking: You probably watched the episode where My Little Pony lost her sparkle crown.

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Chewing gum increases blood flow to the brain, improving your concentration. So, like, maybe the Australian cricket team should recruit Wrigley as a sponsor.

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BY TH NUMBE E RS

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Fig. 1.6

Maximum hours you sleep per should night. Lo nger than and you a that re 15 per cent more likely to s uffer from obesity.

f=2 d

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A cheap way to stop snoring (see below): Tape a Ping-pong ball to the back of your shirt. It will force you to sleep on your side, preventing your tongue and palate from narrowing the airway and making you saw logs.

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Learn how to punch in your pin number with your elbows: A British study showed that ATMs are as riddled with as much bacteria as public toilets. Those ATM fees actually are shitty.

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Time to celebrate: That porn addiction may save your life!

Studies show that men who ejaculate 21 times a month have a 33 per cent lower risk of prostate cancer than the average male. Wait, the average male jerks it less than 21 times a month?

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SLEEP CITY d th ruin i i does Snoring S more than your sex life – it can be deadly!

Here’s how one MAXIM US editor cured it, with the help of David Volpi, MD, of EOS Sleep in New York NOT-SO-HOT TONGUE ACTION As Dr Volpi gave my head a thorough exam, he explained, “Snoring is caused by an obstruction either through your nose or mouth. What’s making the noise is the tissues vibrating.” Turns out the problem was my tongue, which cuts off airflow when I snooze.

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I TOOK A SLEEP TEST Dr. Volpi gave me a device (that looks straight out of an S&M catalogue) to strap on that measures how often I stop breathing at night. See,

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snoring is more than just annoying. It can be a sign of sleep apnoea, a disorder characterised by abnormal pauses in breathing, which can lead to high blood pressure, heart disease, and stroke.

The device revealed I have mild sleep apnoea. I stopped breathing 19 times per hour!

I GOT A MOUTHGUARD In an attempt to end the apnoea – and snoring – Dr Volpi fitted me for what he calls an “oral appliance”, which is basically a mouthguard that moves my jaw (and therefore,

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Maxim Tested my tongue) forward ever so slightly. Super sexy.

I GOT MY GIRL BACK The oral appliance works: My girlfriend says I hardly ever snore, and a second sleep test showed my breathing is stopping only four times per hour now. Do I like the idea of wearing a somewhat uncomfortable mouthguard every night for the rest of my life? Not really, but considering it decreases my chances of heart disease, and my gf stabbing me to death in my sleep, it’s here to stay.

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IX X’S S I K IK N IDE TO

CHEATING DEATH

The Mötley Crüe legend should be dead. In fact, he has died. But in surviving, Sixx has learned a few lessons What advice would you give someone to live through what you’ve lived through?

• Drink water.

• Take [antidepressant med] Zoloft.

• Wear a condom.

• Use hairspray.

• Carry a knife.

• Always say yes to your girlfriend.

What five tips would you offer to avoid the hard life altogether?

• Buy a Prius, not a Ferrari.

• Snort baby powder, not cocaine.

• Get colonics rather than mainline Jack Daniel’s.

• Shower regularly.

• Meditate or masturbate daily, whether you need to or not.

How are you still alive after all your brushes with death?

It’s been a breeze if you compare me to Keith Richards or Lemmy from Motörhead.

How is your lifestyle different now than in Crüe’s heyday?

I try to work out five days a week.

I actually feel like I’m in better shape now than I was in my 20s.

Do you still drink?

No. Absolutely not.

PHOTOS: SHUTTERSTOCK; WORDS: JESSE BRUKMAN, PATRICK CARONE, LAURA LEU, MIKE OLSON, DAVID SWANSON

A lot of people believe that crunches help you get rid of fat on the abdomen. Fat is fat, and can’t be transformed into muscle. Focus on building muscle, which will then increase your metabolism, enabling you to burn more fat.

R E V O G N A H Y H T L A E H THE odden-on turd tr a e k li l e fe ’t n wo but at least you it sh e k li l e fe l il You’ll st GO EAST According to a study cconducted by the Department of Fo Food Science and Te Technology at the Col College of Agriculture and Biotechnolog Biotechnology at Chungnam Nat National University in Deaj Deajeon, South Korea – jjust writing tthat gave us a hangover – certain natural compounds could help delay the absorption of alcohol in the small intestine.

If you can get your hands on leaves of laurus nobilis, fruit of kochia scoparia, or seed of aesculus you’ll be good to go!

You’re also probably a woodland druid.

DRINK THIS

EAT THIS

Water is an obvious friend but once the drinking has commenced it’s difficult to follow the “one drink, one water” rule. Just skip all carbonated drinks – they irritate the gut.

Take your beverages mixed with water or fruit juice instead.

“Anything high in protein is a good alcohol buffer,” says James Schaefer, PhD, a lead researcher in hangover studies (for real). A meal high in delicious amino acids should keep the pyloric valve closed longer – that’s the valve that controls when your stomach contents dump into your small intestine, where most alcohol is absorbed.

Avoid fatty or sugary meals before a bender, as they’re less efficient.

On the other hand, poultry, dairy, and vegetables are winners.

Toxic avengers

POP THIS The paracetamol in things like Panadol can exacerbate liver problems in heavy drinkers. Use an over-the-counter antacid instead – it’ll ease the cauldron of pain brewing in your gut and contains enough aspirin to act as what experts would call a “prostaglandin synthetase inhibitor”.

That’s something to battle bodydamaging cytokines but not enough to harm your delicate stomach lining.

Gin

A simple rule: the clearer the alcohol, the clearer your head the next day Vodka Brandy

A good rule to drink by is: the clearer the drink, the better your morning. Another good rule? If a girl starts talking to you excitedly about cats and she’s not using them as a euphemism, steer clear.

Part of the scourge known as the hangover comes from congeners – impurities produced during fermentation. So vodka is your best bet, as it’s about as pure as a picnic with Taylor Swift.

Pimp juice, despite being delicious when drunk from a goblet bejewelled with diamantes, has six times the impurities of vodka.

Rum

White wine

Beer

Whisky

Red Wine

Though it comes in both clear and dark varieties, the sneaky Caribbean mixer is packed with impurities. You just can’t trust a drink that comes with an umbrella.

Choose white over red if you’ve got big plans in the morning. Yes, masturbating with your other hand counts as big plans.

Congeners also give every kind of alcohol the flavours we’re accustomed to.

So, Red Bitter not only tastes awful, but it’s actually making you sick.

Some types of whisky have eight times more congeners than vodka – but they pack 50 times the manliness.

Yum, tastes like undiagnosed depression!

While proven good for your heart in moderation, red wine in heavy doses will stain your mouth purple tonight and your sheets pukegreen tomorrow.

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is... ll you have to do A y. it n u m im st Boo t. Build muscle. h ig e w se o L r. e Get fitt

N A M A E EAT LIK

1 ONLY EAT FOODS THAT ROT

The more processed a food is, the more nutrients it has had stripped out to prevent it rotting, which occurs when bacteria and other organisms feed on these nutrients. The end product therefore will have a longer shelf life but lower nutritional value. Remember that real food is alive, so it will eventually die.

PRO-PROTEIN Learn more about the nutrient that makes you big and strong

A According to the British Journal of Nutrition, tthe timing of protein intake can make all tthe difference when it comes to losing weight; it makes you feel fuller throughout the day; about 75 per cent of your muscles are made up of water, but the next

2 AVOID FOOD PRODUCTS THAT MAKE HEALTH CLAIMS FOR THEMSELVES

Sounds a bit counterintuitive, right?

But to carry a health claim the food must have packaging, so right off the bat it’s more likely to be processed. The healthiest food in the supermarket – fresh produce – doesn’t boast about how healthy it is because it doesn’t come packaged and growers don’t have the budgets of corporations.

important element is protein, which accounts for 20 per cent of your muscle composition; you can’t store it for a rainy day – protein is an active part of the cells in the body, so you constantly have to replenish it; the protein in beer aids

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EAT YOUR COLOURS AVOID FOOD PRODUCTS THAT CONTAIN MORE THAN FIVE INGREDIENTS

The more ingredients in a packaged food, the more highly processed it is likely to be. This doesn’t apply to a recipe for a home-cooked meal, only prepackaged food products.

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The colour of many vegetables reflects the different antioxidant phytochemicals they contain, such as anthocyanins, polyphenols, flavonoids, and carotenoids. Many of these chemicals help protect against chronic diseases but each does so in its own way, so the best protection comes from a rainbow diet, featuring as many different colours as possible.

EAT BREAKFAST

It sparks your metabolism. Combine an egg white and a slice of ham or turkey on wholegrain toast.

Dash with Tabasco.

8 IT’S NOT FOOD IF IT’S CALLED BY THE SAME NAME IN EVERY LANGUAGE

That means it’s processed, so you could probably do without it.

9 SNACK OFTEN

Gobble lots of nuts.

Plain almonds suck, so make protein palatable with baked or roasted almonds. After a workout, slip a nice, fresh banana into your mouth (the potassium will help fight cramps).

At night, drink milk: The protein-rich white stuff will make you feel full, preventing midnight binges. Wow, plenty of Freudian shit in that paragraph.

in browning and produces a light, crisp, dry batter when cooked; broccoli is a fantastic source – some 45 per cent of its calories are in the form of protein; excess protein can lead to ailments like osteoporosis and kidney failure; inadequate protein levels

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DON’T EAT ANYTHING YOUR GRANNY WOULDN’T RECOGNISE

AVOID INGREDIENTS THAT ARE NOT FOUND IN YOUR CUPBOARD

There are thousands of food-ish products in supermarkets that our ancestors wouldn’t recognise as legit food.

They are processed in ways specifically designed to get us to buy and eat more by pressing our evolutionary buttons – our natural preference for sweet, salty, and fatty foods.

These tastes are hard to find in nature but cheap and easy in factories, which usually produce foods with low to no nutritional value.

Ethoxylated diglycerides? Xanthan gum? Ammonium sulphate? You can’t buy them at the markets. These chemicals are used to keep food fresher for longer, and while they may or may not prove a health hazard, the simple fact that humans haven’t been eating them for very long means they are best avoided.

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EAT WHAT YOU WANT. JUST LEAVE THE TABLE A LITTLE HUNGRY

SKIP THE AERATED DRINK

Avoid soft drinks and limit juice. Drink water (a lot; 2L per day), coffee (milk is fine), and vodka (it has fewer calories than beer).

can lead to kwashiorkor (it’s gross – Wiki it); you only need 10 to 15 per cent of your total calories to come from protein. Why? Glad you asked. Your body makes new tissues by recycling protein from tissues that break down.

For example, order the six-inch and not the foot-long. And by all means smash a burger but you can probably skip the sundae.

“Protein? No, I only date girls aged 20 and over.”

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U O Y F O E D I S N I P E E D The human body is a marvel yet to be equalled in nature or a robotics lab. Let’s take a look at some of the most important parts

Studies in rats have found that binge drinking in adolescence leads to memory loss in adulthood.

THE BR AIN LOWDOWN Inside your quarter-inch-thick skull, wrapped in three layers of gooey membranes, your brain weighs in at about 1.4 kg – roughly the same as two bottles of spirits. Made of soft, squeezable flesh deep red in colour, the human brain contains more than 100 billion neurons, which are cells that process and transmit information.

Not only is this organ the centre of information processing and consciousness, it also controls body temperature, pulse, and sex drive.

CUTTING EDGE New studies are solving the most intriguing human mysteries: How we

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lo feel love, what happens when we sleep, even the design of bionic limbs that’ll be controlled by thought. In the hunt to cure diseases and injuries, scientists are focused on neurogenesis, the brain’s ability to grow new neurons. But some of the most interesting research has nothing to do with our wellbeing.

Take the dorsal striatum, for example.

Located in the centre of the brain, it’s responsible for cravings. Research at the Brookhaven National Laboratory has proved that if it’s stimulated, cravings can occur when you’re not hungry, which has led greedy merchants of greasy fare to create fetishistic food advertisements. All these ads are designed to stimulate the same part of the brain that’s also responsible for cocaine cravings in addicts.

TURBOCHARGE YOUR BRAIN No operation or syringeful will turbocharge your noggin better than a regimen of physical exercise.

Studies at the Columbia University Medical Centre’s Cognitive Neuroscience Division in both animals and humans show that exercise leads to a lot of positive changes in the brain: Increased blood flow, regulation of chemicals associated with brain plasticity – the ability to learn – and neurogenesis.

THE HE ART THE BONES LOWDOWN You’re born with 300 bones. By the time you’re an adult, some have fused together, so that number drops to 206.

Bones do more than keep you upright – inside is a soft centre (marrow), which produces red and white blood cells.

CUTTING EDGE Researchers at McGill University have created a way to make artificial human bones using a printer. Let’s say you show up at the ER with a crushed right leg.

Doctors take a 3D MRI of the uninjured bone in your left leg, then scan it into the printer. The machine then creates a 3D object using a cement-like powder and coats it with phosphoric acid. (Phosphorus is one of the main components of human bone.) The result: A replacement bone.

Traditionally, doctors repair a missing bone with bits of the patient’s own bone, which is painful, or from a cadaver, which is often rejected. But since this new tech mimics your own bone’s shape, structure, and material, it’s assumed your body will accept it and healing time will be reduced.

Your ticker beats about one million times and processes some 7,570L of blood per day.

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About the size of a clenched fist and located in the centre of your chest – not on the left side – your heart has four chambers made of muscle that form a squishy pump.

Brains everywhere from Escorts Heart Institute to Baylor University Medical Centre agree that, unless you treat your heart like a garbage disposal, it’ll last.

Stem cells may be coming to a heart attack near you. Doctors intend to direct stem cell therapy to damaged areas of a diseased heart at the time of bypass surgery in the hope of revitalising tissue and improving overall heart function. All of this cool science could very well prevent the development of heart failure or, 10 to 15 years from now, docs may actually be able to reverse the effects of a heart attack. We’ve got an even bolder idea: Inject stem cells directly into burritos, so we can extend our lives during our lunch break.

BONUS FACT! New research on intuition demonstrates that the heart may keep us alive in more ways than one. When subjects were shown random images, their heart rates increased five to seven seconds before seeing an emotionally-charged image, such as a car crash or a coiled snake. Researchers figure that the heart’s central role in “intuitive perception” may influence decision making in everything from driving to business meetings.

In other words, you have ESP.

DE-STRESS FOR SUCCESS Science has yet to figure out the exact connection between stress and heart disease, but the surge in adrenalin produced by stress causes the blood to clot more readily. On a behavioural level, your monthly instalments and work deadlines tend to make you eat more junk and skip exercise. By all standards, if you’re a 28-year-old male and you don’t have any stress, either you’re a bum or independently wealthy. And if you hang on to stress, it will end up becoming a physical issue. So go for a jog or swim the Amazon smeared in blood – whatever helps you blow off steam.

HOW BREAKABLE ARE BONES? Every time you The impact on the bones jump, the fluid in in your knee as you walk is your bones move, equal to seven times your signalling the cells body weight. But when force is to build more. applied across the bone instead of lengthwise, that’s when the suckers snap. So a break is heavily dependent on where the impact occurs.

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THE LIVER LOWDOWN At over 1.4kg, the liver is the largest internal organ, composed of two lobes that palm the stomach. Unlike other organs, this bad boy can regenerate. Cut out 60 per cent – for donation or to pair with a nice Chianti – and it’ll regrow itself. The liver is the body’s factory, recycling centre, and storage facility. It makes cholesterol, the gunk that keeps cell walls healthy; it recycles your blood, filtering it through and yanking out the toxins; and it takes all the garbage, breaks it down, and re-routes it to your kidneys, so you can piss it out painlessly.

YOU BOOZE, YOU LOSE Your liver is one tough, fleshy motherf–ker – it’s likely to handle all the abuse you can give it. If you feel like treating it, two cups of coffee a day can reduce mortality from chronic liver disease by half.

But don’t drink too much. If you binge on the reg, your side will begin to ache, your skin will turn piss-colour from jaundice, and eventually, your liver – now clogged with fatty deposits – will begin to swell. One common

Your liver can handle roughly one drink per hour. The rest sits in your bloodstream, keeping you drunk.

practice it really doesn’t enjoy is the pre- and/or post- hangover aspirin or paracetamol. Try to beat a morning headache with these – the liver’s nemesis – and you’ll really feel the pain.

CUTTING EDGE The bad news is that obesity – 2012 figures released by the ABS showed that 28 per cent of Aussies are obese – can both ruin livers and decrease the supply of healthy livers for transplant.

The operation is not a pleasant procedure, either. The late Evel Knievel (who knew a thing or two about pain) compared getting his liver transplanted to “replacing a football in your stomach”. The good news is that pork isn’t just great for chops or characters in George Orwell novels anymore.

Gods that they are, doctors are now genetically modifying pigs so that their livers won’t be rejected by picky human bodies during cross-species transplantation.

They’re also trying to engineer pig livers to produce more human-like proteins for continued function. The next hurdle: Getting transplant recipients to keep their filthy rooms clean! Sorry...

THE BLOOD LOWDOWN Since the beginning of recorded time, humans have worshipped blood: drunk it, painted with it, named their gangs after it, and, in our case, fainted at the sight of it. (Hey, we were raised in middle-class suburbia, OK?) Technically, blood is a tissue, like muscle or skin. You have some 5.6L of it pumping through roughly 160,934km of arteries, veins, and capillaries. Red blood cells, the key ingredient, move around your body, carrying oxygen and nutrients where they’re needed and carting away the trash.

The white blood cells are your defence mechanism against enemy viruses. Your blood vessels also function as a liquid cooling system that keeps your organs from stewing in their own juices.

HOW MUCH CAN YOU LOSE WITHOUT DYING? Honestly, estimates vary. The Nazis reportedly did experiments: results unknown. Not really sure why we bothered bringing it up, then – guess it just reinforces the fact they were twisted f–kers. Anyway, if you’re athletic and healthy, you could lose up to 30 per cent of your blood and live, so long as you get a transfusion quickly. Red blood cells have a lifespan of about four months, meaning your entire supply is refreshed thrice a year. The dead cells? They head for the spleen, your heart’s recycling centre.

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The tubes of the gastrointestinal tract are like interchangeable plumbing pipes, making surgery a tad simpler.

THE GUTS LOWDOWN Your high school footy coach probably told you that guts are what it takes to win games. Technically speaking, however, the intestines and all associated innards support everything involving the ingestion, digestion, and rejection of food.

WHAT IS DIGESTION? As you chew, saliva turns each bite into a swallowable ball, or bolus, which takes about eight seconds to slide down your oesophagus into your stomach. Gastric acid and enzymes break down proteins, while powerful muscles pummel the

bolus. Over several hours, the stomach contracts, squirting the result into the small intestine. Each bolus takes a 35 to 40 hour journey through the intestinal tract. White bread moves fast, while fats in bacon pause to be broken down from triglycerides to monoglycerides. Then, microvilli, countless tiny structures that increase the small intestine’s surface area to the size of a tennis court, suck nutrients out of the food and filter them into the bloodstream. What’s left makes the trip to your large intestine. Five to six billion foreign microbes live in your colon, essentially eating toxins. They’re critical for keeping the traffic flowing smoothly. The colon sucks the water out of the waste and, when it gets angry,

you get the runs. A peristaltic contraction ejects leftovers i.e. poo-poo.

CUTTING EDGE Does the word colonoscopy make you squirm? The rectum-poking procedure might be – and already is in some places – replaced by advanced capsule endoscopy, in which the patient simply swallows a tiny wireless probe that takes digital images of the bowel.

Tech companies are even working on capsules that can be remotely navigated to conduct biopsies and treat ulcers and tumours to avoid invasive surgery. Sorry, colonoscopy fans. You’ll have to get your anal-probing action elsewhere.

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S R 3 B M U N HEALTH 1N A rundown of the myriad problems you can look pr forward forwa to as you age. Yay!

30 Laugh as often as you can, as it’s a solid workout for your abdominal muscles.

TODAY Relax, bud, you’re good to go.

Have a wank. A daily bat can help prevent prostate cancer. We’re serious – it’s from proper research.

THE ROARING THIRTIES

20 YESTERDAY Sins are always forgiven.

THE HORNY TWENTIES WELCOME to the prime of your life. Hangovers evaporate, illness is swatted away by your gleaming immune system, and girls gasp at your staying power. You can get away with anything. Just don’t get blasé. Self-inflicted maladies like sports injuries and STIs are n this golden common, and even in eel the breath age, some of us will feel of the reaper on our necks – or balls. Fifty per cent off testicular ore the age cancers show up before of 35. If you’re at risk,, or have hecked out. one ball larger, get checked

P PENSIONERS call you “young m man” with no discernible irony.

Y Yet that’s slim consolation when you’re sitting in bed, running your hands through thinning hair, the silhouette of a paunch visible, and your wife telling you, “It’s no big deal. You can try again later.”

Testosterone drops off after about 28, so the stud-like behaviour ceases. After 30, you need longer for the ejaculationerection mechanism to kick in.

Don’t panic, just give up your bad habits, ’cos if you hit 40 and you’re overweight, it only gets worse. Cut down on smoking, drinking, and overeating.

CHEER UP!

Give up smoking.

Most of the damage will be erased provided you quit no later than 30.

You’re making money, you can still party, and you’re still attractive to the ladies. Score.

40 TOMORROW Slowing down, are we?

THE BUSY FORTIES GETTING harder to find a photo for your Facebook display pic?

Relax. A bigger problem is the walnut-sized time bomb lurking between your rectum and scrotum. It’s not too early to think about prostate cancer. In your 40s, it is probably going to be symptomless. Plus, your hair grows from follicles that are under metabolic control, and the pigment doesn’t set in as you age. To top iit off, it gets harder to get hard. Impotence Im hits about 50 per cent of men from 40, and is caused by blood not getting to the penis properly, pr alcohol, and stress. Upside?

Upsid You’re rich.

CHEER UP! CHEER UP! When not checking your happy clackers, you can put them to plenty (OK, one) of other good uses.

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Get ready to look distinguished, like George Clooney. Do an image search of his girlfriends for added cheerfulness.

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A glass of red wine a day cuts the risk of heart disease by 25 per cent. But just one glass, you crazy old bastard.

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DAY AFTER

WAIT! I’M ALIVE?

Ah, finally,, some peace.

What’s my name again?

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THE FUN N FIFTIES

F–K IT, I’M SEVENTY

MEDIEVAL peasants asants would be ing’s starting to dead. Everything’s deteriorate in your 50s, so it’s a good idea to get your BP, blood olesterol checked. sugar, and cholesterol ou’ll only realise If you don’t, you’ll ry when you get things are awry tes, or have a angina, diabetes, stroke. All the cod liver in ’t help your the world won’t atch, though. threadbare thatch, urs as follicles Baldness occurs ity. There are lose their vitality. nsplants, but they drugs and transplants, aren’t miracle cures and are expensive. Baldness isn’t really a disease, so your insurance won’t deal with it. Just invest in a cool hat and embrace it.

CHEER UP! You don’t have to hide your gut.

Also, in a hostage crisis you’ll probably be released after the women and children.

Seven hours of sleep a night will add two years to your life.

So switch the gym for the mattress.

60 WAY AFTER Hanging in there.

THE EASY SIXTIES RETIREMENT, that drowsy paradise, is liable to be spoilt by bladder weakness caused by the prostate.

Even if it’s not cancerous, the prostate ccan grow into the bladder, sso you can’t empty it properly. prop Beneath the cardigan, your you ticker ain’t what it used to be, either. The aorta is the body’s main artery; it’s like a balloon balloon, in that it can overinflate. B But the prognosis remains optimistic, optim seeing as healthcare wi will have advanced, you've got health he insurance (you do, right?), and if you you’ve eased up on th the smokes, fatty cr crap, and booze yo still be you’ll go going strong.

TURN up your hearing aid. The dege degenerative problems come home to roost in your 70s. You could have angina, heart failure, strok strokes, peripheral vascular disea disease – where your arteries clog up – diabetes, prostate issue issues, osteoarthritis, dementia...

The w worst bit is that your memory starts to go because of brain cell wast wastage. These cells are unlike othe others in the body, since they die and aren’t a replaced, so the brain shrin shrinks with age. On the plus side, there are meds to assist, and you’ll forget all those boozy mistakes from your twenties.

CHEER UP! You can finally piss yourself in public without feeling the slightest shame whatsoever. Woo! Thinking positively can add seven-anda-half years to your life. So cheer up, you grumpy prick.

CHEER UP! Did we mention retirement?

You get paid to stop working and have kids who love you (maybe).

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ted on workout-rela m m m co st o m e th at the We break down , and how to tre em th t n ve re p injuries, how to

Y D O B R U O Y F O O R P S Y E T R U N I M INJU 0 IN 1 ANTERIOR SHOULDER PAIN, AKA SHOULDER IMPINGEMENT

PATELLAR TENDINITIS, AKA KNEE PAIN

HOW IT HAPPENS: Only training the “mirror muscles” (biceps, chest, and shoulders), as opposed to working all muscles. Bad posture is also a factor.

HOW IT HAPPENS: Overuse and poor mechanics.

If your foot flattens out, it can create more stress on the knee.

HOW TO PREVENT IT: Find the right kind of shoes and orthotics for support, and be sure to stretch your hips and strengthen your glutes.

HOW TO TREAT IT: Balancing exercises while keeping the arch of the foot up, and relearning your squat and jumping techniques.

HAMSTRING STRAIN

LOWER BACK PAIN

HOW IT HAPPENS: Poor running mechanics, poor flexibility.

HOW IT HAPPENS: Poor posture, along with underdeveloped hamstrings and overactive quads.

HOW TO PREVENT IT: Hydration, flexibility, better running mechanics.

HOW TO TREAT IT: When running, make sure you use a pushing movement versus pulling movement. For exercises, glute bridges, hip extensions, and leg raises are optimal. Drinking water early and often prevents hammy issues down the line.

HOW TO PREVENT IT: Core strengthening exercises and balancing the strength between your quads and hamstrings.

HOW TO TREAT IT: For quads and hip flexors, try kneeling quad stretches and side-lying quad stretches. Pool exercises and yoga are also good bets.

HOW TO PREVENT IT: Posterior chain strength exercises for rear delts and lats, pec stretches.

HOW TO TREAT IT: Avoid biceps and chest exercises, which exacerbate the problem.

Other helpful exercises are rows, pulldowns, and pec stretches.

LIVE LONGER Sleeping in that hyperbaric chamber is cool and all, but there are easier ways to make it to 90 62

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BUY A DOG Research shows that interacting with pets reduces the stress hormone cortisol. Plus, you can use a cute puppy to get laid.

BE OPTIMISTIC A 40-year Mayo Clinic study showed that pessimists had a 39 per cent greater chance of dying before their less depressed brethren.

BE MORE ORGANISED Decluttering your pad both improves hygiene and helps free your mind and reduce stress.

And you might just find a stash of stale weed.

GET MARRIED Research shows men who are in long-term, committed relationships live 10 years more and have fewer headaches.

Ah, the irony.

EXERCISE The buff old men in Icaria, Greece, reach 90 at a crazy rate, as their tiny island is covered in mountains, requiring daily physical activity.

LOUD MUSIC Turn it up to 11! The sacculus (the part of the inner ear that responds to the beat of the music) connects to the brain’s pleasure centres, meaning loud music makes you happy!

Unless it’s the full-version of “Harlem Shake”.

GUM Gnaw on the sugar-free stuff and you’ll stimulate saliva to stave off tooth decay, whiten your smile, relieve stress, boost blood flow to the brain, freshen your breath, and lessen that craving to smoke a full pack.

COFFEE In moderate amounts (three cups or fewer), caffeine can improve your mood and help you focus, plus it’s linked to long-term reduced risk of Type II diabetes, dementia, heart arrhythmia, and colon cancer. On the downside, it’ll triple your toilet paper usage.

RED WINE Drinking 150 mL of vino per day increases your good cholesterol (HDL), while the component resveratrol helps protect you from Type II diabetes, obesity, cancer, and facing the gruesome reality of an otherwise mundane and melancholy existence. Drink on, loser.

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D O O G E R A S T I B A H D BA e good m o s u o y g in o d ay actually be m r u io v a h e b t CURSING Your wors LAZINESS There’s a reason BEING A SLOB Make your bed and it retains the moisture and warmth from last night – the perfect environment for dust mites. An unmade bed, however, is evaporation’s best friend, keeping your allergies in control. (Too much exposure to cleaning chemicals is bad for you, too.)

Lounging around the house can actually help your body rejuvenate. You do need exercise, but you also need to just sit there so your body can renew cells and fight disease.

Take that, Wolverine.

Seriously, Wolverine, how do you wank?

VIDEO GAMES

you start dropping F-bombs the second you bang your head.

Spewing profanities actually helps you tolerate sudden pain.

In fact, foul language may even cause the release of natural painkillers in your body.

F–k aspirin!

It doesn’t even have to be your precious little Wii. Intense games (first-person shooters, martial arts) can elevate your heart rate and breathing levels, boosting metabolism. No wonder the elf princess wants ONLINE POKER your D Remembering if a flush so badly. beats a straight stimulates brain activity. It also means you’re totes antisocial.

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Cam Mercer and Anthony Ippindo, co-owners of Holistic Fitness, have trained actors, musicians, athletes, and corporate executives. Helpful guys that they are, Cam and Anthony offered to address a bunch of common workout scenarios that had us perplexed

SPRINTS I want to get rid of that layer of fat on my lower abs. What should I do?

If that’s all you need to lose in the lower abdominal area then that’s the good news – it hopefully means the rest of the belly is reasonably flat. The bad news is those last few kilos or inches of abdominal fat are the hardest to get rid of. If your training program is working for you then diet, diet, diet. Keep fats and carbs to a bare minimum. Otherwise, a combination of high-intensity cardio and heavy weights is advisable.

I don’t like running but I hear it’s the best way to lose weight. Are there any alternatives?

Pardon the pun, but we were born to run. As hunters and gatherers, we had to run to catch our food. Before I give you other options, let’s try short sprints or jogging intervals. Sprints and short running intervals are a great way I can’t do a chin-up. Are there to improve cardiovascular fitness any exercises that’ll help me and lose weight. Whether you run with that?

10 x 50m sprints or jog for two Chin-ups are a great exercise but minutes around a park, you will they’re one of the hardest to do improve your running because you need a great amount and start to see results. The best of strength and confidence when alternative would be boxing. When performing one. Now, we’re talking there is impact on the muscle from about full range of motion chins, running or punching, it uses up so no kipping i.e. chin comes over more energy and, in turn, the bar and straight arms at the burns up more calories. bottom of the movement. An Weight training is one assisted chin-up machine is of the best ways to If you can’t do a proper fantastic to help reach your lose fat, too. chin-up, an assisted goal of a complete chin-up. If chin-up machine will you don’t have access to one, help you reach get a training buddy to help. If your goal. you have no friends, firstly, we’re sorry, and secondly, find a low bar where your feet can touch down and your knees can bend.

Add a jump to get to the top and lower yourself down slowly.

CHIN-UPS

Sprints and short runs increase your power, are a great way to lose weight, and improve your cardiovascular fitness.

What workout targets love handles?

Let us just start by saying there is no such thing as spot reducing. It doesn’t matter how many crunches and twists you do – those love handles will not disappear. Which brings us to the next point: Athletes with the best physiques. Watching the 2012 Olympics, the 100m sprinters – in both the men’s and women’s races – without a doubt had the best bodies. So what does that tell you? Exactly – get out there and start sprinting, as short sprints will increase your power. Muscles are needed to produce more power and more energy is burned when muscles are powering. Therefore, love handles will burn away if you do exercises to strengthen that particular area. Cable twists, bicycle crunches, torsion twists, and side planks are fantastic. Or take up kayaking. Very rarely do you see a kayaker or ski paddler with love handles.

The down side: Your chick won’t have anything to hang on to.

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KETTLEBELL SWINGS What’s the best way to improve cardio?

Intervals are the best way to improve your cardio. Namely short, high-intensity sprints combined with slow jog recoveries. This could be done over distance or time.

An example would be to sprint for 30 seconds and walk for one minute as recovery. Try for 10 sets.

Working the hips and core make for a better bedroom performance.

Kettlebell swings hit both areas.

BREATHING The better you breathe, the less stressed you feel. Boxing and yoga are also good for stress release.

Are there any exercises that will make me better in bed?

Performance in bed always comes down to stamina and confidence. So it’s not really about what exercise will help, but being fit and looking good, which is the end product of exercise. That’s what will give you that confidence to be good in the bedroom. But, from a technique standpoint, it is all in the hips and core. Great exercises include deadlifts, hip raises, and kettlebell swings.

CABLE TWISTS

If you want to specifically target your love handles, get into some cable twists. Or take up kayaking.

I’m heaps stressed at work. Is there an exercise that’s good for stress release?

Stress releases a hormone called cortisol. Cortisol stores fat deposits around the stomach area – not a good thing. In order to reduce your stress, the first thing we think of is to breathe. Simple, and it’s something we do naturally! Sixteen breaths per minute, 960 per hour, and 23,040 a day. But we don’t do it effectively, and when we are stressed it becomes shallower – through the chest only. Look at any young child breathe and you will see our natural pattern of two-thirds through the stomach and one-third from the chest.

When we are stressed it makes us breathe in reverse: Two-thirds chest and only one-third from the stomach. A simple exercise, which is like meditation, is to breathe in for five seconds, hold for five seconds, release slowly for five seconds, and hold for five seconds at the bottom. That’s three breath cycles a minute. Complete 15 breaths (a five-minute period) and it’ll help relax the nervous system and lower cortisol. Best of all, you can do it anywhere. Boxing and yoga are other great exercises for stress.

How do I get my veins to pop out like Wolverine?

Funnily enough, “Wolverine” was training at the Monster iSport gym [where Holistic Fitness is based] to get his veins popping before every scene. It was all about drop sets and super sets. Drop sets involve one particular exercise: You start heavy and perform as many reps with that weight as you can then keep dropping the weight whilst maxing out your reps. Super sets combine two exercises – say, biceps and triceps – and then you do your drop sets with those.

Your muscles will have a full-pump, causing your veins to pop out.

DROP SETS

If you want to be veiny like Hugh Jackman, go for a drop set, which gives muslces a full pump and gets veins popping.

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SQUATS What are some good grip strength exercises?

Because we’re so generous, we’re gonna hook you up with two: >Using a weight plate, a piece of string, and a piece of dowel.

Attach the string to both. It’s just a matter or rolling the weight up with the dowel and string and then rolling it back down. It essentially works the forearms but grip is a major factor in this exercise as well. >The farmer’s walk. Grab two heavy dumbbells or plates (one in each hand) and walk for 100m or so and back. Holding the heavy weight whilst walking will definitely improve your grip strength.

What’s a good routine to murder moobs?

Chest exercises are going to hit and firm up those man boobs but a good routine and good technique is what you really need. A simple one is a super set of push-ups with dips. Push-ups will target the pec major muscles, while dips will get in under the chest to firm up around the bottom of the pecs. Really focus on making sure you are contracting the pecs in push-ups and not overusing the shoulders.

Push-ups work the pec major muscles. Be sure My arse is getting fat from to contract the pecs sitting down all day. How and not overuse the can I get that bad boy shoulders during the looking solid? exercise.

This answer can be applied

muscle as well as fat, which will keep your bulking down to a minimum but your strength will still improve.

LUNGES

by both sexes: Squats and lunges. And you can even throw in some step-ups or stairs for emphasis. Those four exercises will target the gluteus maximus and firm them cheeks up for you.

Once again, muscle focus is important – in other words, you need to really feel the butt contracting. This will happen if you focus on placing pressure through the heel of your foot.

Diamond Close-grip

Standard

What should I do if I want to increase my strength but not bulk up?

A simple way is to still lift heavy, to get your strength, but keep doing your cardio for 30 – 40 minutes a day as well. Most bodybuilders don't do cardio because they always want to get bigger. Only when they decide to strip some fat off do they rely on cardio. The reason we suggested 30 – 40 minutes is because once you go beyond 30 minutes your body reaches a catabolic state, where you start to burn up some

Lunges – another way to sculpt your backside.

If you don’t feel the butt contracting, you’re doing it wrong.

FOR MORE INFO: HOLISTICFITNESS.COM. AU OR FACEBOOK.COM/ PAGES/HOLISTICFITNESS/

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WORDS: CAM MERCER, ANTHONY IPPINDO; PHOTOS: LUKE SHADDOCK; LOCATION: MONSTER ISPORT GYM

PUSH-UPS

Firm up those cheeks with squats. Technique tip: Focus on placing pressure through the heel of your foot.

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“Man, these are tight!” said your junk. It’s worth the squeeze, though, as your lower half will be grateful later. The SKINS A400 POWERSHORTS are a compression revelation, boosting muscle activation, proprioception [basically, how you perceive your own movement], and energy transfer, so key muscles work more efficiently. Shimmy into the RY400 MEN’S COMPRESSION LONG TIGHTS after heavy physical activity to reduce delayed onset muscle soreness and improve muscle recovery time. For best results, wear them for at least three hours.

Shorts: $109.99; Tights: $169.99; skins.net

TRACKER (left) may be minute but it paints a comprehensive fitness picture, monitoring steps, distance, calories burned, stairs climbed, and how long and how well you sleep. It’s able to resist wet weather, and a full charge of its battery will last up to seven days. $119.95; fitbit.com

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▼ Cam-do attitude Turn your iPhone 5 into an action cam with the OPTRIX XD5, a wide-angle camera case that can cop harsh conditions like big drops and drenchings while still delivering superior vid capture and access to all controls.

A second door lets you access charging connectors and the headphone jack, plus it has an interchangeable lens system and can be removed from the mounting system. $139.95; optrix.com

Let’s begin with the least important aspect of the versatile NIKE FREE TRAINER 5.0 (at least in a health and fitness context): It looks rather attractive. When you’re not using them to pick up bored housewives at a beachside café, you’ll be pleased to know these flexy, seam-free beauties fit like a glove, are light and breathable, and offer solid cushion and traction. $150; nikestore.com.au or 1300 656 453.

▲ Make it grain Watch this The SWATCH NEW CHRONO PLASTIC features a stylish rotating bezel, large, easy-to-use pushers and crown, and durable straps. If it’s good enough for action athletes, it should be able to cope with your weekend warrior activities. $150; swatch.com

King of the string Get into a quality, comfortable FITWEAR STRINGER SINGLET or pick up a ‘She Squats, Bro’ branded singlet for that special lady who likes to lift. $39.95; fitwear.co.nz

BARLEYMAX is a super-food that contains twice the dietary fibre of regular grains, making it the world’s highest fibre grain.

Together with its low GI, it helps reduce the risk of mofos like diabetes, cancer, and heart disease. Guy Leech, who is almost 50, and around 50 times fitter than you, swears by it. $5.99; goodnesssuperfoods. com.au MAXIM.COM.AU

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THE

SPECIAL

E R U T A N FORCE OF Robert Whittaker, winner of The Ultimate Fighter: The Smashes, discusses discus his plans to get destructive this year W What are your goals for 2013? fo To take last year as the standard an and just get better overall. I want to become a natural destructive fo force, like a hurricane or tornado.

W When you’re watching a fight, what do you look at? fig Ha Habit, technique, how different fig fighters approach things, holes in their game. So, compared to so someone at home, it’s way more an analytical: “You should’ve done thi this. You should’ve done that.”

Bu But it’s a lot easier being a sid sideline coach.

Do you ever watch footage of yourself as fo a way of improving?

No really. I find it kinda weird.

Not Th The coaching staff are all over tha that, and it works in two parts: 1) T They need to know my op opposition and show me how tto match up against them. 2) On a personal note, the coaches need to feel what I’m feeling, and be able to know when I’m overtraining, peaking too early, my emotional state.

It’s very intensive.

Speaking of your S em emotional state, does th the fighter’s diet make yo you grouchy?

I ccan’t eat anything I want to eat.

I’m naturally a heavier bloke, an and I’m cutting down to a lighter we weight division, so I’ve gotta be pr pretty vigorous and strict with my die diet. To answer your question, I’m ag grouch for 11 out of 12 months.

I’m pretty sure I was born to be a ffat person but I’m not allowed.

If you hadn’t gotten involved in MMA, what sport would you have done instead?

Maybe golf. Something less physical and without all the diet restrictions. Darts. Billiards.

Where did it all begin for you?

I’ve done martial arts my whole life. I’ve always been competitive as well – playing footy on the side while I was doing martial arts. The opportunity for a cage fight came up, I obviously jumped at the chance, and there was no going back. My first fight was unbelievable. The amount of adrenalin was huge – I couldn’t feel my legs. There’s no way of describing it unless you actually get in there and do it.

W W W.L ON S D A L E L OND ON.C OM. A U

there’s no outlet: You can’t go home and whinge to your missus or ring up your best mate and go, “Bro, you won’t believe what happened…”

You’re locked in this place with them for the duration of the show – six weeks – with literally nobody else to talk to about your thoughts or feelings.

Does that frustration mess with your focus?

Tell us about the Ultimate Fighter experience.

The house: Man, I absolutely hated it. I’m really grateful for the chance to be on the show, but in terms of personal satisfaction, it was a hellhole.

Imagine walking into a room with everyone you hate and

It does. Anger will only get you so far. Fighters are creatures of habit and they have their own way of doing things, pre- and post- fight. On the show that goes out the window because it’s not your coaching staff, it’s nothing you’re familiar with – you’re out of your comfort zone the entire time. The house really made me realise how much your mental state comes into play in this sport.

Are you competitive in everything you do?

I don’t see the point in playing

unless you’re playing to win. I’m an avid online gamer, and I think the whole reason I got hooked is because I like the idea of building this character and beating people all over the world.

What sort of games do you play?

Fantasy RPGs. Skyrim and stuff like that. There’s a certain level of satisfaction when you’re riding a dragon and holding a sword.

What’s your favourite swear word?

I drop the F-bomb like it’s going out of style. I’ve been on my best behaviour for this interview, though. I was born in the country, so I was born to say that word.

Please walk us through your worst hangover.

It would’ve been an after party a while ago. I drank Heineken all night and the next day I literally couldn’t get off the floor.

For non-professionals, what’s something to remember in a fight?

Stay cool. I know that’s hard to remember when there’s a dude across from you trying to beat you up but he’s human, just like you. He’s got two arms, two legs, one head, and an off switch.

What’s the best advice you ever received?

“If it was easy, everyone would be doing it.”

Daniel Steiner

M A X IM E X CL U S I V E 2 0 % OF F. E N T E R T HE ONL INE P R OMO C ODE M A X IM 13 AT T HE CHE CK OU T. W W W.LONSDALELONDON.COM.AU OFFER ENDS 31.5.2013 MAXIM.COM.AU

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GOLD COAST HOTTIE ALLIRA COHRS IS A FITNESS FANATIC, OCTAGON GIRL. SHE TALKS ABOUT DANCING ON TABLES, 70

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BODYSCIENCE AMBASSADOR, AND ASPIRING UFC WRESTLING, AND THE RIGOURS OF MAINTAINING HER RIG MAXIM.COM.AU

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e hear you spent New Year’s in Vegas. Do tell.

We lived The Hangover. It was so funny and so scary at the same time. People losing teeth, having half their head shaved... one of our close friends lost his girlfriend and she showed up two days later without her shoes or phone. But, hey, that’s Vegas.

Were you well behaved?

I’m always well behaved. I’m not a big drinker, so I never let completely loose, but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t dancing on tables and having fun.

So if we interviewed your friends, they wouldn’t tell us anything racy?

Depends who you interviewed, I guess.

They’d probably tell you I’m crazy. There’s a Good and a Bad Allira.

Go on…

One is very professional and has a vision and is in the zone. Then there’s Allira-onholiday, who relaxes and lets her hair down.

You’re an aspiring UFC Octagon Girl.

What are the criteria for that gig?

From what I can gather, they like you to be social media savvy, interact well with fans, and also have the ability to stay grounded, since it’s easy for that sort of thing to go to your head. You need to be very fit, too. You cannot have anything jiggling around.

That’s not entirely true.

OK, outside the chest region. These men inside the Octagon are so fit, so it goes hand-in-hand that you’d want smoking hot girls.

What is it about men beating the bejesus out of each other inside a cage that’s so exciting?

I used to ask myself that every time I sat down to watch it. Initially, I was like, “Oh, my God. This is brutal.” But now I see past that, and it’s more about how conditioned these guys are and the effort they put in and the sacrifices they’ve made. Having said that, you could put in some amazing prep, but it’s anyone’s game when you step in that cage.

Would you ever get involved in MMA? I study Brazilian jiu-jitsu, so I do get beaten up and put in triangles and various chokes.

I’m covered in bruises but the thought of someone breaking my arm or kicking me in the face scares the living shit out of me, so I don’t think I could do it as a career.

That’s a valid fear. Do girls kiss when they’re wrestling or is that just

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a misconception?

I think that’s something all men wished happened behind closed doors – the pillow fights and wrestling in our undies and whatnot. Sorry boys, there’s no kissing in Brazilian jiu-jitsu.

Guess it depends on whether the Good Allira or the Bad Allira shows up, huh?

I walked straight into that one.

Well done.

Do you need to have had a Brazilian wax to do that type of jiu-jitsu?

That’s hilarious, but I’m going to have to go with no comment.

You work as a personal trainer. Are you harsh on clients?

I’ve been doing it for about a year-and-ahalf and I think I’m lovely. I do get clients giving me the finger and screaming at me but that just means it’s working. These people pay me to kick their arse into shape.

What’s your favourite part of your body?

My legs and my bum. I worked very hard in the gym to grow an arse, so I’ll go with that.

Are the legs and bum the hardest parts of your rig to maintain?

It’s the abs. They’re not made in the

gym – they’re made in the kitchen. Cut out the sugar and put down the beer. It’s not just about doing crunches. It’s largely nutritional, plus I’d recommended cardio and resistance work.

What do you check out on a guy?

I’m a teeth girl. People look at your mouth more than they look at your eyes when they’re talking to you, so take care of those teeth!

And I’m a sucker for a nice back.

But dudes forget to work the back because they can’t see it, so they don’t think about it.

Would you date a fat guy?

I have. Well, he wasn’t fat – he just wasn’t in great condition.

We meant Biggest Loser fat.

In that case, no, I haven’t.

Would you have that as part of your vows?

No way! But seriously, it’s a massive help if your partner also goes healthy. Eating grilled chicken breast while your partner sits there eating a burger is just painful.

And we’re on the brink of being the world’s fattest country, so we really need to support each other in being fitter.

How would you rate the effectiveness of sex as a workout?

I’d give it 20 out of 10. It’s one of the best exercises. You can do it with a friend or a partner, you get sweaty, you work multiple muscle groups, you activate your core, you release endorphins, which makes you extremely happy after, and you have an amazing sleep – what’s not to love?

We ’ r e o n t h e brink of being t h e w o r l d ’s f a t t e s t c o u n t r y, so we really need to support each other in b e i n g f i t t e r.

They usually fall in love in the house.

It’s kinda cute.

It is. And it helps having someone there to support you.

A couple that lifts together, stays together. God, that’s cheesy. Sorry.

Is it still 20 out of 10 if you have sex with yourself?

Probably not. Poor fella…

We’d give it a three out of 10.

Daniel Steiner

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PHOTOS: DANIAL GOWANS

I’m proud of my legs and my bum. I worked very hard in the gym to grow an arse.

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WE LIKE TO WATCH

Film

NEWS FLASH In a battle of quality acting and handsomeness, Ryan Gosling, as a motorcycle stunt rider-turned-bank robber, faces off against Bradley Cooper’s rookie cop character in The Place Beyond The Pines. Out May 9.

“Wow! So THAT’S why they call you ‘Iron’ Man!”

ROBERT DOWNEY JR RETURNS AS EVERYONE’S FAVOURITE BILLIONAIRE INDUSTRIALIST IN IRON MAN 3 Did you have any trepidation about coming than me making these decisions, back to this character for the fourth time I’m told. The funny thing is, Iron Man 3 is simultaneously a much smaller storytelling [with the third time being The Avengers]?

I was looking forward to it. This is, style, but I’m in every second to me, the kind of grab bag wish list of every action scene in this of things we’ve always wanted to movie. I’ve never done so do and haven’t had the chance. much action in my life. The I put so much onus on Iron Man scope feels really, really big.

3 – it was supposed to answer I think Marvel’s intention is all the questions for an to defy expectations again. audience; cure all my uncomfortable I ’ M I N E V E RY S E C O N D Tony Stark is O F E V E RY AC T I O N intrinsically linked moments in the past playing this S C E N E I N T H I S M OV I E . to you now. Does that fact make you character and I’VE NEVER DONE want to stay around get in every S O M U C H AC T I O N as long as you can? idea that fell by IN MY LIFE. The thing about the wayside the playing this kind of inherent last three movies. Then narcissist, whenever you kill we shot the movie and one of Tony’s egos, another I feel like there’s still a one just pops up. I’ve had number of other things that experience, but I’ve found we have to do. the whole thing to be a very The Avengers is one of quieting, humbling journey for the most financially me. You realise you’re just kind successful movies of all-time. of part of this thing. I tend to have a slow How did that raise the bar as far as action take experientially for things. These five sequences for Iron Man 3? or six years have not been enough time There are people who are, strangely, smarter for me to process what has happened.

Death becomes her WAY BACK – AND EVIL DEAD IS ’D L THAN YOU MORE BRUTA R JANE LEVY EXPECT. STA T PAIN ET SE R ON-S SHARES HER 76

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Were you scared the first time you saw it, even though you knew what happened?

I swear to God, I was so scared.

It freaked the shit out of me.

How violent is this film?

So f—king violent. Really violent.

It was the worst experience of my life.

I’m not kidding. I was tortured for four months straight. Seriously. It was the worst experience of my life. It sounds funny to you, but I was depressed.

What was the worst moment?

I could name 10 of the most horrible things that could ever happen to you in your whole life, and all of those 10 things happen to this character. It is extreme, and that’s a lot of the reason I took this project on. I thought, ‘Why not do the most extreme movie possible?’

INTERVIEW: STEVE NASH

Iron awe

Spring Break Shake-Up WHY SPEND YOUR SPRING BREAK IN SOME PRICEY, OVERCROWDED AMERICAN BEACH TOWN WHEN YOU COULD HIT UP ONE OF THESE PLACES?

WHY GO?

YOGA RETREAT

You’re in need of some spiritual realignment and/or a new weed connection.

WHAT TO BRING

DURING THE DAY

Loose clothing, but beware of embarrassing “trackies boners”.

Arctic temps require warm clothes.

Your thermal-fleece Speedo and fur-lined Crocs are musts.

ALASKAN CRUISE

The scenic beauty.

Plus, your crazy ex won’t be able to track you down in the wilderness.

VOLUNTEER WITH HABITAT FOR HUMANITY

You have a strong work ethic, an altruistic spirit, and 50 hours of mandatory community service.

Hammer, power drill, portable band saw, and a deluxe firstaid kit for the inevitable injuries.

AMISH REGION

Nothing like a week without Wi-Fi to remind you how good you have it.

A very, very long extension cord.

NIGHTLIFE

GIRLS

Fake a sprain and grab a spot poolside with a good view of morning stretches.

Loosen up with some wheatgrass shooters or drop by the Party Yurt for the Midnight Sprout Buffet.

Granola fans will find nirvana, but don’t come on too strong.

Most girls won’t “downward dog” until at least date two.

Nothing. Aren’t the nights here, like, six months long?

Nights are all about going clubbing.

Specifically, for baby seals.

Eskimos may have more than 200 words for snow, but unfortunately they don’t have a single one for hot.

Time to raise the roof! Literally. You’re building houses, after all.

The forests are full of hallucinogenic herbs that can turn a campfire into a psychedelic vision quest.

These women are used to hard labour.

Hope you like calloused hands and well-developed back muscles.

Make your way to charming Intercourse, Pennsylvania. Rue not having a smartphone to take a pic of the sign.

Try Amish country’s most popular activity: Desperately escaping Amish country under cover of night.

Play your cards right and some demure lass might give you a personal demonstration of her butterchurning technique.

Walt Disney does not approve

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R A E D

DVDs

NEWS FLASH The trailer for ’50s cop action noir Gangster Squad looked real cool and featured some big names and there was a Jay-Z song in it and people ate shotgun shells. But, well, it isn’t very good. It‘s out May 15.

WAY TO CROWE Russell Crowe is in two very different releases this month: one brimming with blades and martial arts; the other stacked with singing and Anne Hathaway stricken by tuberculosis

the Man With The Iron Fists THE CHARACTER

As Inspector Javert, he tails Hugh Jackman’s paroled convict character across France over the course of almost two decades.

THE PLOT

A glimpse at the various levels of society, told via a shit-tonne of singing and overwrought exchanges.

If 30 Odd Foot Of Grunts didn’t endear him to the stoner, kung fu obsessed sector of the hip-hop community, this certainly should. It’s B-movie badassery.

CROWE -NESS

The guy has a great screen presence but, when forced to sing opposite Jackman, he kinda gets owned.

It’s like watching a kid fight his dad.

Sure, why not? It’s satisfying in the same shallow, violent way as piñata accidents.

WORTH SEEING?

If you need a good cry, please, be our guest.

Rusty is Jack Knife, a British soldier with a fondness for opium and his trusty blade.

O DVD MOF TH NT E H

Les Misérables

Set in 19th Century China, the RZAdirected martial arts flick cranks everything up to an OTT level, then saturates the screen with blood.

REVIEWS The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

Silver Linings Playbook

Wanna know what was unexpected?

That about 45 minutes in, the unruly Dwarves began singing a gay old tune about cutlery and crockery.

And that’s where you lost us. How a trilogy can be milked out of a 310page novel is the real wizardry here.

What happens when two mentally unstable people fall in love? Handled by lesser actors, you’d likely get a messy cross between I Am Sam and Friends With Benefits. Lucky the acting here is amazeballs, with a script filled with quips and heart.

Life of Pi Zero Dark Thirty Snubbed by the Oscars, because that’s just how they do, ZDT is a gripping look at the search for bin Laden that, if directed by M. Night Shyamalan, may have had a twist ending where he was not only dead all along but also suffered a severe water allergy.

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Aren’t film adaptations cool? Thanks to them, you don’t ever need to read the books on which the films are based on (although this one is solid). It’s a cool flick in general, what with its mixture of philosophical lessons and a CG world that looks legit i.e. not like 300.

A SLICE OF THE ACTION CHARLIE CROUGHWELL, STUNT COORDINATOR FOR LIFE OF PI, SPEAKS You had to do more than co-ordinate stunts, huh?

We also had to train Suraj [Sharma, lead actor]. The whole thing was gonna take place in the ocean but he didn’t know how to swim, so that was interesting. We also added 35lbs [16kg] to him then took off 45lbs [20kg] during production.

How hard is it to teach someone to swim?

The first time we put Suraj in the pool, I asked him to swim down to the other end. He looked at me and said, “What exactly do you mean by ‘swim’?” I felt really sorry for him. Having my son Cameron there was a real asset, as he was 19 at the time and Suraj was 17, so they could relate to one another. Plus, Cameron is amazing in the water – I wish I was as good as he is.

As a man well versed in danger, would you ever get into a boat with a live tiger?

It would really depend on the tiger, the trainer, what my outs are, what headspace the animal is in. I have five dogs and, if I were dealing with a tiger, I’d want to be just as comfortable around it as I am with my dogs.

What’s it like working with Ang Lee? He’s fantastic to work with.

About a year before we did the picture he called me and said, “I’m doing this thing called Life of Pi. The whole story takes place on the water, so don’t you think I should be certified as a diver?” I have a place in Belize and Ang brought his two sons over and we spent a week there. We did night dives, we dove with sharks, we tagged crocodiles – I don’t think many directors would go to that extent to find out about that world.

INTERVIEW: DANIEL STEINER

Can you talk us through the weight gain and loss process?

We needed to bulk him up but without too much definition.

That means you also have to adjust his diet, since his entire physical routine has changed.

The problem with a lot of training is that they’ll do a strictly protein diet and work out four or five hours per day. The whole

process is like a fireplace: You can overload it with too much firewood and it’ll burn out quickly. So we had to feed the fire just right.

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E D

Music Scenes From a Tour

First lesson of the tour? Flaming margaritas work a treat for jetlag. And so we enter the buzz of being on tour in this bewildering city that we’ve never been to before but is all so familiar (from watching American TV over the years). We watch the money drive past in Corvettes and Ferraris, and weave between street performers riding on Hollywood’s coattails in the city of questionable angels.

On Day Two we take a detour winding through the Hollywood Hills, checking out the mansions on the way to our first-ever US show at The Echo in Silver Lake. It’s part of the Aussie BBQ, which showcases Australian bands touring the US, and involves sharing the stage with some great acts before a charged crowd of MAXIM.COM.AU

Remember when you used to make mix CDs for girls you liked and “Iris” was always the opening song? And then the girls would say they really liked you as a friend and you never got to touch their boobs? Yeah, well, the Goo Goo Dolls latest, Magnetic, is out May 3.

Blackchords

We are now halfway through our North American Tour, passing border security near Niagra Falls, through to one of our first days of R’n’R. We set the pace for this tour by flying into Los Angeles, driving up to Hollywood, and heading straight to a Mexican cantina for some flaming margaritas.

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NEWS FLASH

A few snapshots from the Melbourne alt-rockers’ North American sojourn

Americans and Aussie ex-pats.

To celebrate Blackchords’ first gig in the USA we head on down to the infamous Rainbow for a celebratory drink – and to see what LA has to offer its night owls.

The next day we hump our gear back to LAX and take a flight to Houston. This place definitely feels like America.

The houses are bigger, the cars are bigger, and the meal choices are almost always gigantic, grease-packed burgers. Like any tour, staying at any one place is fleeting: We arrive, go to a local radio station for a chat, then head off to the Continental for sound check. We are on the bill with Vaudeville Smash and The Beards.

Watching these two bands is like going back to two very different scenes somewhere in the early-‘80s. But the crowd loves it, and I can’t help busting some regretful moves.

Day Four: We pile into the car heading to Austin for SXSW, but not without a quick stop at Denny’s dinner for a light breakfast of maple and bacon milkshakes to see us through the miles. SXSW

Festival is manic, massive, and amazing. For one week the city is inundated with 300,000+ punters, an array of bands, and music industry bigwigs.

Every bar on every street and every car park on every corner is set up with stages from 11am till 2am. It’s amazing to be a part of it and witness highlights like Ghostface Killah, High Highs, Bonobo, and The Specials. Austin definitely leaves us wanting more music in our lives but also needing a few days away from the festival craziness.

We are now in belowfreezing Toronto, a glass of whisky in hand and recouping with visions of fresh fruit, before we kick it off all over again for Canadian Music week.

BLACKCHORDS’ NEW ALBUM, A THIN LINE, IS OUT NOW. THEY PLAY THE HIDEAWAY, BRISBANE, ON APRIL 20 AND BRIGHTEN UP BAR, SYDNEY, ON APRIL 26.

WORDS: NICK MILWRIGHT; PHOTOS: BLACKCHORDS, LEHANE RICHARDS

R A

2HOU4RS TO LIVE

50 ¢ENT

We gave the rapper-actor-entrepreneur – whose album Street King Immortal drops imminently – 26 hours more than usual. Got a problem with that?

You famously were shot nine times.

What finally does you in?

Probably a head cold. Something really simple.

Do you have any deathbed confessions?

At that point I would just be runnin’ my mouth crazy. I’d tell you about everything that actually happened, that people don’t have the answers to. Law enforcement should just sit there.

Will you be going to heaven or hell?

I think I’ll be going to heaven, because I had good intentions. But my actions are another thing.

What will you look like on the other side?

I’ll have long, straight hair down to my back when I go to heaven. And I’m not even going to work out, but I’ll be in shape. It’s a whole new program up there.

it’ll be the biggest hit. And Michael, he’ll have a new walk. It won’t be the moonwalk, because we already over the moon. It’ll be called “Walking on a Cloud”.

What’s your last meal?

I’d eat pizza from Margherita’s in Queens [New York]. It’s the spot. It don’t taste like that nowhere else.

Listen, I watched the Huxtables, and I had a crush on that woman since the first episode aired. I’m an adult now, but she’s still so beautiful to me. I saw her on a plane one time, and, man, I just fainted. I went into groupie mode.

What’s the wildest thing you ever did while you were alive?

Man, I can’t tell ya – I’d get in trouble.

So let’s keep it sexual. You know the Orgy World DVD set? I did it – we just didn’t tape it.

Now that you’re about to die, what will you confess to listening to on your iPod? Kelly Clarkson. She was on it when I got it, and I started listening to her when I was running. There’s storytelling there.

What woman did you always want to sleep with?

This may sound inappropriate, but Phylicia Rashad from The Cosby Show.

What are people saying over your casket?

This motherf—ker left, and now we ain’t got no money! Who’s gonna pay the bills now?

Got any last words?

It was good while it lasted.

ILLUSTRATION: ANDY MACGREGOR

Eminem, Young Jeezy, and Snoop Dogg are featured on your new album.

Who – living or dead – would you most want to do a song with?

Tupac and Michael Jackson. In heaven

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SOL Calibre

We’re picky when it comes to headphones, so we asked Seth Combs, CMO and co-founder of SOL REPUBLIC, to explain why we should invest in his audio swag

MU SIC

It’s easy to tell when headphones sound like crap, but how do you tell the difference between two good-sounding headphones?

It depends largely on your personal taste.

Think of it like beer. Most beers have only four main ingredients – water, yeast, malt, and hops – but they taste dramatically different depending on the brand’s brewmaster. Same thing with sound.

You’ve got three basic ingredients – mids, highs, and lows (aka bass) – and how the sound is tuned on the headphones will dramatically shape your music experience.

Over the past few years, a number of headphones have sprouted up that beat you to a bloody pulp with bass. They focus on the lows and completely fail around the mids and highs. That's fine if you only like bass-heavy music, but what if you want to actually hear vocals or a spectrum of instruments?

Kevin Lee, CEO and co-founder of SOL REPUBLIC, grew up an audiophile and worked with our sound engineers to develop our personal sound signature. The goal was to find that perfect balance of deep, powerful bass, bright highs, and clear mids.

STYLE + DESIGN The style of your headphones can dramatically affect sound. The design can dramatically affect the amount of women you get.

For the most immersive sound experience, it’s hard to beat the over-ear. With the right fit, you will completely envelop your ears and block out any external noise. The on-ear will be lighter in weight but dependent on your ear shape, and you may find the sound bleeds out and annoys everyone around you.

To combat this problem, our Tracks on-ear headphones feature extra-wide ear cushions to help form a tighter seal.

In-ear headphones can offer an incredible sound experience but it really depends on the fit. If you’re a devout in-ear fan, take the time to try on all sizes of ear tips to make sure you find the right fit.

Ear buds are a good option for someone seeking a lightweight headphone that doesn’t go inside the ear canal, but rests on the ear. As a result, if your ear doesn’t perfectly align with the design, you may find your music is leaking out.

Make no mistake, headphones are a fashion accessory. Whether you’re at the airport or on the street, your headphones are 82

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part of your look. With that in mind, we designed our Tracks on-ear headphones and Master Tracks over-ear headphones to be completely interchangeable. Now you can change the colour of cables or Sound Track headbands with ease – and at a decent price.

CONSTRUCTION How many times have you broken your on-ear or over-ear headphones? It is a major nge points that allow you issue. Those hinge adphones to fold your headphones at create up nice and neat weak points in the nd construction and can lead to the band breaking.

You deserve headphones that last longer than your girlfriend (sorry,, but we’re sure you can still be friends). So we constructed ourr Tracks and Master Tracks to be virtually indestructible and eliminated the hinge points.

Using an mer advanced polymer u can compound, you twist, bend, or drop our eadbands Sound Track headbands and they won't break.

3-hour flight from Sitting on a 13-hour o Sydney can be San Francisco to boring – unlesss you’re drunk. Finding a

good set of headphones to wear for that long is difficult. In-ears can sometimes get irritating, and a lot of over-ear and on-ear options get heavy after a few hours. On flights you’ll see a lot of passengers opt for noise-cancelling or noise-isolating varieties.

Noise-cancelling headphones are good but can add weight. Noise-isolating headphones are my preference: I prefer the lighter weight and don’t want to deal with batteries. We designed our Tracks and Master Tracks to be incredibly lightweight, comfortable, and noise noise-isolating, so the for an entire you can wear them w 13-hour flight without any ear fatigue or discomfort. d Also, no batteries batter needed.

One more thing: Let’s talk pricing.

Don skimp on Don’t yo your headphones.

Th about how Think m much your m music collection cost you. At the same time, there’s no r reason to d drop your e entire pa paycheque on a set of he headphones.

W believe your We he headphones sho shouldn’t cost more than your smartph smartphone, which is why we p priced our in-ears from $3 $39.99, on-ears o from $99.99, and over-ear $1 headphones start at $199.99.

INTERVIEWS: DANIEL STEINER

E D SOUND

WAXING LYRICAL Wax, the LA-based MC with one of the most amusing YouTube channels around, on the benefits of natural remedies Where do you get ideas for songs [over 1.25 million views]. tracks from?

It could happen anywhere, man.

So, just go get some weed from Hanging with friends, walking a really hot chick? That’s your down the street, just sitting professional advice? around in the back of a van on Yes! I change my answer. The key the way to a show, like I am now. to dealing with writer’s block is to Weird shit happens to get marijuana, legally, T h e ke y t o d e a l i n g go me, so I’ll write about from a really hot chick. w i t h w r i t e r ’s b l o c k There’s no other solution. that, too.

is to go get

How do you get past m a r i j u a n a , l e g a l l y, Kinda sucks that we can’t writer’s block? f r o m a r e a l l y h o t do that in Australia.

It’s tough, dude. c h i c k . T h e r e’s n o I guess nobody in Australia You can spend hours is going to be able to write other solution. and hours trying to a song again! overcome it and get You’re currently touring. Going nowhere, so usually the best right back, what was your first gig? thing to do is just take a break.

My first show was very f—king If I get writer’s block I’ll be like, strange. I’m from a very small “F—k that,” and just quit. One town in the United States and time I was trying to write when we first got a McDonald’s there was something for hours, so I just stopped a grand opening ceremony. And all the and went to the local dispensary – that’s characters were there. Anyway, when I was where you can get medical marijuana in 15, my band opened for the people dressed California. So I go there to get my weed up as those characters. And that was my first and this girl is just so beautiful and helpful show: The grand opening of McDonald’s in and she lifted my spirits. On the way back, Dunkirk, Maryland. I still have it on video – in my head I wrote the chorus and lyrics Grimace is dancing while we’re playing. and melody for this song I did called “Dispensary Girl”. It’s about that exact situation and is actually one of my biggest

FAST FACTS

Who dat?!

Me

thrill, my friend taneous. Just for a “I’m pretty spon e at night. lat y ter me ce to the and I recently went dom towns, ran to s on road trip Sometimes we’ll go of California. It’s beautiful.” re just to check out mo

w rst time we sa na” fi e th s e lv e rs for “Rosa e asked ou That’s what w ars alongside Wax in the vid o st land next to my We have some open lissa Soria, wh o health and out and I’m really int I’m pretty “I love working ich wh ], kg t 80lb [36 wellness. I can squa 5’3 [160cm] and 99lb [45kg].” only I’m ce sin of, d ou I was a pr into dirtbikes when “My father got me

teenager. ed to ride there.” family home, so I us ink in the beach with a dr on me w sa er.”

“If you ink dr er be Corona. I’m a my hand, it’d be a

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TV

NEWS FLASH Here ’s the lowdown: Arrested Development is back sometime in May and each of the 14 eps will focus on a different character. The original cast will reprise their roles and a talking lizard is said to cameo.

MA IM MOUTH

Will

ARNETT Hollywood’s biggest boob is back, as Arrested Development returns (online) in May. Thank Gob! First off...

Hey, listen. How is working at MAXIM? Is it just, like, a bikini contest all day?

Oh, yeah, bikini contests and dwarves with trays of drugs.

So everybody is drunk and high all the time?

Good for you guys!

You’ve got two sons. What’s your favourite dad activity?

All bits aside, I enjoy it all. It sounds so f–king boring, but I can be changing the worst diaper and be thinking, ‘This is great.’ And if I had, like, 20-year-old me around, he’d be like, “Dude, this is not great. You’re wiping somebody else’s crap off their ass.”

Are you raising your boys to be comedy supermen?

Oh, yeah. Archie is really into Bill Hicks.

I’m actually sick of celebrities who say, “I’m really just a comedy nerd.” Give me a f–king break. You’re not making yourself sound more

“of the people”.

Your last foray into TV was Running Wilde. What’s the biggest difference between your Running Wilde character, Steve Wilde, and the great Gob Bluth from Arrested Development?

Steve is a rich playboy who is seemingly all about himself, but on a personal level he’s a really generous guy. Gob, on the other hand, was an incredibly selfish person. He had this sense of being wronged on a very fundamental level at an early age, and he was always looking to give a “f–k you” back to the world.

We know it’s back for another season, but where would you place Arrested Development in the pantheon of shows that were cancelled too soon?

Somewhere between Deadwood and Freaks and Geeks, perhaps?

I wouldn’t dare to attest that we were cancelled too soon. We got what the world dealt us. And who knows? If we got another [TV] season, maybe our legacy would have been different.

You must have strange run-ins with Arrested Development fans.

What’s weird is when people pop into your personal space. Of course, that comes with the territory. I’m happy that anybody liked the show, but… I remember this one time I was in a restaurant, and this guy jumped in front of me and did a coin trick, really abruptly. I was like, ‘Am I being mugged?’

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OK, time to ask: Seeing as another season has been completed, will there be an Arrested Development movie?

The Arrested movie is gonna happen. Mitch Hurwitz said he was halfway done with the script. He’s juggling a lot of things right now, but once he finishes it we’re off to the races.

What drives you to play pricks?

There’s nothing less interesting than a nice guy. Sure, he might be great to marry and have kids with, but in terms of entertainment value, who gives a shit? I enjoy playing characters who are damaged and kind of, well, assholes.

You used to do lots of serious roles.

Would you ever do another?

Well, we all remember Jonah Hex, right?

Don’t we? We don’t? Yeah, I would do another.

Honestly, I don’t have a plan. Some other man would have a plan, but I’m just winging it.

What’s the most important thing you’ve learned about women?

Oh, I’ve got to be careful here. Women have a tough time… No, you know what? Let me put it this way: Women are fantastic.

Fantastically illogical creatures.

Finally, what do you wish you could tell your 18-year-old self?

Quit drinking five years earlier. And hit the gym, for God’s sake!

Patrick Carone

R A E D

Games This month we’re out carving up scum as a ninja, kicking zombie arse, zipping up the spandex, and exploring a post-apocalyptic Russian subway system

Metro: Last Light Format: PS3, 360, PC Release: May 16 Metro 2033, with its survivalhorror, Russian-metro-system that-hides-the-remnants-ofhumanity-following-a-nuclear-winter vibe, didn’t exactly take the world by storm when it dropped in 2010, but it slayed in terms of engagement and atmospherics. This sequel maintains the original’s hallmark gameplay features – oxygen masks, wind-up flashlight – while refining the AI, graphics, and controls. The story remains compelling.

Ninja Gaiden 3: Razor’s Edge Format: PS3, 360, Wii U Release: Out Now Known for its stiff challenge, bloody gore, and rapid, super-fluid combat, the Ninja Gaiden series has long been a fav of action fans. This is pure hack ‘n’ slash gameplay (we won’t bother telling you the plot), as you get technical with your button combos and defensive movements to create a blade-led bloodbath. The camera zips around a bit and the controls are a little curious but you can’t fault the pace and the claret-soaked setpiece sequences.

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Dead Island: Riptide Format: PS3, 360, PC Release: April 25 Despite the proliferation of the undead sub-genre, the first Dead Island managed to stand out from the crowd. Its setting – a tropical island paradise – open-world exploration, melee-heavy combat, and co-op gameplay proved to be the perfect storm for gamers. This sequel drowns the lot: A vicious storm shipwrecks the survivors of the first game, stranding them on a flooded island where they must survive the weather, rising waters, and zombies lurking in the deep.

ods Among Us Injustice: Gods Format: PS3, 360, Wii U Release: April 17 The dude who created Mortal Kombat has swapped fatalities for comic books in his latest 2D fighter. This game takes over 20 of the famed superheroes and villains of DC Comics – Batman, Superman, The Flash, etc – and gives them a chance to kick, punch, and super-move their way through dynamic environments. This is wonderfully OTT and not only thrills with its dynamic environments but also by offering the types of eye-popping attacks befitting characters with superpowers.

Just Announced

Thief (PS3, 360, PS4, PC) – After a long hiatus, the Medievalset series that pioneered the stealth genre returns in 2014. Garrett returns to his home town to find the poor held captive by the Plague, as a figure called The Baron helps the rich get richer – a ripe situation for a master thief. Choice-driven gameplay provides multiple options for every challenge, plus a sophisticated AI means violence is a last resort and not a first option.

Assassin’s Creed IV: Black Flag (PS4, PC, PS3, 360, Next Xbox) – If you enjoyed the pirating sections of 2012’s Assassin’s Creed III, then you’re in luck, as this year’s follow-up gives the stage to pirating, with new hero Edward Kenway – the grandfather of Connor – patrolling the pristine waters of the Caribbean. New to the series is the ability to upgrade your ship, explore any island you come across, and to head underwater.

Saints Row IV (PS3, 360, PC) – There will be dick jokes aplenty as the puerile but stupidly funny Saints Row series makes a return this August, just weeks before the arrival of GTA IV. Returning gamers to Steelport, this looks to have a lot in common graphically and tonally with the previous title, and from what we can tell, the story sees The Saints taking over the White House!

Get Schooled! The Problem of Servers Ge Many o of the PlayStation 4’s rad new features require a pretty decent internet connection and a hefty d download cap to function. Australia fails on both a accounts, as fans of multiplayer experiences and str streaming videos will be all too aware.

The NBN will provide some relief. The current infrastructure was built in an era where consumers infrast were o only downloading stuff, but the NBN will fix

the serious upstream issues with room to spare.

It will need to change its current pricing structure, though, if it hopes to make the resulting data consumption remotely affordable.

There is another big hurdle to leap: If the place you’re sending or receiving content from is in another country, it steps beyond the bounds of the NBN and becomes a slave to simple physics – as

in, the speed of light. Distance is the enemy here, and it’s becoming more and more apparent that the NBN is only half the solution – gamers must demand that the creators of hardware like the PS4 and multiplayer or connected software put servers here in Australia. This is the only way to ensure the speed and enjoyment of the experiences match the goals of the creator and the price of admission.

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Defying Tradition EVERY SO OFTEN, A GAME COMES ALONG THAT DARES TO TRY SOMETHING NEW: MEET DEFIANCE

E D E GAM S

Game: Defiance Format: PS3, 360, PC Developer: Trion Worlds Release Date: Out Now

GREAT GAMEPLAY You step into this open world looking at first to survive against the many threats around you while seeking out fallen alien tech, but your actions both alone and in large groups ultimately influence the larger world.

Combat is reminiscent of most openworld third-person shooters like Just Cause or GTA – you can even drive ATVs and cars. Classic weapons like shotguns and assault rifles soon open up to crazy alien wares, while movement and aiming are fluid and fast as you encounter threats from giant bugs and mechs to human raiders. Dynamic events oft appear: Random battles that emerge and suddenly throw hundreds of players into an epic war over land and loot.

WAR HAS CHANGED Like Facebook and stalking, gaming and the internet go hand-in-hand. The MMO experience is at the forefront of this symbiotic relationship and a genre that was long reserved for sluggish RPGs like WoW now houses games like Defiance, which offer twitch-reflex gunplay in massive persistent wars involving thousands of humans at once.

BATTLESTAR GALACTICA MEETS DEADWOOD Defiance the TV show is set in a postapocalyptic, near-future Earth where seven alien species – collectively known as the Votans – have migrated here. At first everything goes swimmingly, but political machinations soon lead to civil war and the fragile peace is shattered as terraforming devices emerge and begin dramatically changing the geography, wildlife, and aesthetic. The war ends with a battle in a township called Defiance, in the remnants of St. Louis, and in the years that follow, humans and Votans huddle in pockets of civilisation, working together to survive against the new threats terraforming has left behind.

BRIDGING MEDIUMS Defiance the video game is part of the same world but features its own locations and characters. The stories are linked, though.

One example sees a character leave the TV show as a criminal, redeem himself with actions in the video game, then return to the show in a later episode acquitted.

Or does he? The player decides.

Defiance’s futuristic link between its TV show and video game are reason alone to get excited, but both sides of the IP’s personality can be enjoyed in their own right.

For gamers who have had their fill of running and gunning through everyday shooters, it’s definitely worth getting a gang of friends together and seeing how you can influence a story that transcends to a TV show.

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WORDS: CHRIS STEAD

EVOLVE OR DIE

Boldly Going SET YOUR PHASERS TO KILL IN A CO-OP ACTION-FEST BASED ON THE NEW FILM SERIES

Game: Star Trek Format: PS3, 360, PC Developer: Digital Extremes Release Date: April 28

TREK TO HEAVEN

GAMING, YOU HAVE THE BRIDGE Whether you’ve written essays on the inner workings of the warp core or just think having Klingons on Uranus is funny, you can’t deny the new Star Trek films are pretty kick arse. Big explosions, hot alien chicks, warp speed: It’s all good. Just ahead of the sequel comes a video game that bridges the narrative gap between the movies.

What’s left of the Vulcan race are trying to establish a new home world on which to repopulate their species and a research station near two unstable stars offers hope. However, in screwing around with this strange technology, they’ve opened a rip in space, allowing the dinosaur-like Gorn to invade. Lucky Kirk and Spock are mates now.

You can’t do a game like Star Trek without satisfying the franchise’s rabid fans’ thirst for info and in-jokes, both of which are in large supply.

You’ll be able to explore areas of the Enterprise yet to be seen in the films, watch hapless red shirts go down in swarms, learn more about the alien Gorn – only glimpsed briefly in one ep of the original TV show – and get an intimate insight into the relationship between Kirk and Spock. Their banter is great fun, as the dysfunctional duo have to work together to succeed.

And even if you don’t care about that Trekkie stuff, you’ve still got a solid action game that acts as the perfect primer for the blockbuster film to follow. Worth a look? Vulcan oath.

BEAM IN A FRIEND If you love smashing beers while playing games with a mate, then Star Trek is for you.

It’s designed with co-op gaming in mind, with environmental challenges and combat that’s maximised by two human minds. The gameplay is classic third-person action fare, with commando rolling between cover playing a vital role in combat – think Gears of War. The invading Gorn are split into 16 different subroles, each requiring unique strategies to be defeated – and you’ll come across over 20 weapons to do the deed. Both Spock and Kirk have signature weapons that be customised.

MORE THAN PLASTICINE AND STYROFOAM The Star Trek video game has an intriguing ebb and flow to the gameplay. While on the deck of the USS Enterprise, you are free to explore its beloved innards and chat to the various characters, who are all voiced by the actors from the film and offer different dialogue based on which character you are playing as. When you beam down to the action, chase sequences, arena combat, platforming, mini-games (often involving your tricorder), and action setpieces fill the screen with activity and tense gameplay. There are also missions where you get to control the USS Enterprise itself, deciding the iconic ship’s fate in violent space battles.

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Tech

KNOW YOUR ABC

A = All About (What the hell is this thing?)

B = Bitchin' Because (Why the hell do I want it?)

C = Cunning Linguist (How the hell do I get it past the missus?) ssus?)

Timbuk2 Power Commuter A: Hand-stitched and with a removable shoulder strap that allows it to transform between a briefcase and a messenger bag, it isn’t short on space.

A personal organiser, padded laptop and tablet sections and fur-lined luxury space houses other bits and bobs.

B: The Joey, a portable power storage system that you can charge via power

point or USB, provides enough juice to recharge your smartphone twice or your laptop or tablet as you’re on the go. Absolute goddamn legend.

C: “You power my life, babe.” timbuk2. com

Canon EOS 100D A: Canon’s crisp image quality is now more accessible than ever.

This has all the best DSLR features – 18MP APS-C CMOS sensor, Digic 5 image processor, nine autofocus points, 4fps continuous shooting, a 3in LCD screen, RAW output and creative filters – of the 650D, but squeezed

into a chassis 12 per cent slimmer and only 407g.

B: As much as we adore DLSRs, they’re a mongrel to haul around.

While the size of this will ultimately depend on your lens, it starts at a palm-sized base, which is much easier to wield.

C: “I have a Canon in my pants with 4fps continuous shooting.” canon.com.au

Gimme!

A company called WobbleWorks is readying the 2013 release of the 3Doodler, a pen capable of “drawing” 3D objects. The oneinch thick, 200g pen plugs into a power socket and produces a single line of hot plastic that is instantly cooled upon its exit to produce a stable product. Almost 4m of plastic comes from one pen, which can be refilled.

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Harmon Kardon AVR370 A: This beast of a 7.2 surround sound amp has just about every modern convenience we can think of, starting with 125W of high-current output per channel. It offers eight HDMI inputs, with two that can pass through 4K-resolution and 3D video no dramas. It also has built-in Wi-Fi, AirPlay, and a USB port for streaming

from all your storage devices B: It’s got the muscle to run sound from all modern and near-future devices, with plenty of fringe benefits.

A remote control app, Ethernet port for music streaming and internet radio, as well as an automatic EQ calibration, are some notable examples.

C: “One sub for me, one sub for you.” harmonkardon.com

APP FAP

FoxlO Subwoofer A: Foxl was founded by an ex-NASA audio engineer, so it’s legit. This portable sub is mad light and about the size of a book, but uses Foxl’s patented Linear Magnetic Drive and a proprietary dual passive radiator system to throw down 30 watts of beats via built-in amplification.

B: Adding a sub into the mix just increases our love for this brand.

C: “If you want me to dance, I’m going to need obnoxious bass.” foxl.com.au

CLIPP (IOS, ANDROID, BLACKBERRY)

Open, view, share, and pay your bar tab through this app that connects to the local system and requires no credit car behind the bar.

7SPORT (IOS)

Yahoo!7 delivers a handy app that provides live scores, player bios, game stats, news, and more for sports like AFL, cricket, NRL, soccer, and rugby.

BenQ GP10 Projector A: At only 1.5kg and with a USB dongle and SD card slot, you can stream material straight from your various devices via this crazy compact and portable projector. Bulb maintenance is avoided by using LED light projection, which offers 30,000 hours of 720p

viewing at up to 200-inches. Impressive brightness and contrast..

B: With its small size, short-pitch picture, and wireless streaming this makes up for its lack of fringe features with an easy set-up.

C: “Bigger is better, except with penises.” benq.com.au

GOCATCH (IOS, ANDROID, WP7)

A taxi booking app that then uses GPS technology to track your cab, so you know exactly when it will pick you up.

SONIC DASH (IOS)

EA Sports MVP Carbon by Monster A: Monster and EA Sports have collabed on some cans that will sonically enhance your gaming experiences.

It uses Monster’s own High Definition Headphone Surround tech alongside a 30mm on-ear driver and

Gamebox amplifier to reproduce HD surround sound for gameplay.

B: The comfy design and fold-away mic allow for long sessions without pain, plus it’s compatible with all major systems.

C: “Now you can crank Downton Abbey.” monstercable.com/ headphones/

An autorunner that plays from an overthe-shoulder view and includes the signature environments, moves, and challenges.

HEALTHY DESSERTS (IOS)

Wow your next date by using a recipe from this app to create a tasty desert that’s actually good for you.

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Picture perfect

TEC H

THREE HIGH PROFILE PHOTOGRAPHERS AND NIKON AMBASSADORS TALK US THROUGH THEIR IMAGES DAVID OLIVER After leaving London for Sydney in ’72 – inspired by the B/W work of David Bailey, Brian Brandt, and Lewis Morley – David began studying photography whilst doing freelance work.

He is a Grand Master of Photography, of which there are less than a dozen in the world, and also holds the distinction of being an AIPP (Australian Institute of Professional Photography) Fellow, in recognition of extraordinary photographic achievements and commitment to the art of photography.

The pictures on this page are part of a personal project I’m working on in the Hunter Valley. The landscape was taken from our back paddock looking across to the Barrington Tops. The early morning mist caught my eye, and one thing I’ve learnt over the years is a landscape photograph needs a foreground. The horses give the image a perspective and lead your eye into the mist.

Turning the image into a B/W was a personal choice. It was taken using the Nikon D800e, with a Nikkor 70-200mm f2.8 [lens].

This was taken on a dairy farm just down the road from where I live. Dairy farmers are doing it tough at the moment, with little help from the two major food chains, and are closing down on a daily basis. I guess what drew me to this image was the humour of what was happening behind him. Of course, you cannot set up an image like this, so when the chance comes along you take it. This was 92

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also taken on the Nikon D800e – this time using the Micro Nikkor 105mm f2.8. For my everyday work [portraiture and corporate assignments] I use the Nikon D4 with fixed lenses 35mm, 50mm, 85mm. They are all f1.4 lenses, so really helpful in low light situations. I often get asked, “What camera should I buy?” While that does depend on budget, a camera that impressed me recently was the Nikon D600, used with the popular Nikkor 24-70mm f2.8 lens.

MARK WATSON Mark is an adventure photographer. His first real gig was as an assistant in a David Attenborough wildlife doco, living in a croc infested swamp for weeks on end. As for his first memorable adventure project, that was a two-week cliff-diving assignment in the Kimberley region of WA. He has been photographing crazyarse people doing stupid things in extreme locations for more than a decade now and admits to being fortunate to be an ambassador for both Nikon and Lowepro.

This was taken at Josh ‘Sheeny’ Sheehan’s parents’ fruit farm in WA. Josh is one of the best FMX riders in the world and one of the rare few able to perform double backflips. It was taken only a few days before he was scheduled for a shoulder operation, meaning he wouldn't be on a bike again for months, so I only had one opportunity to secure photos for my client [Red Bull]. I made a setup with radio-triggers for Sheeny and then gaffa taped a full-sized, expensive Nikon D700 digital SLR to his handlebars – and told him not to crash. I used my other camera to shoot photos from the ground at the same time as firing the onboard camera.

I think we nailed this one, as it is a different view of what’s going on way up there. Plus, he is at full extension, which is extremely important in many of the sports I shoot.

This shot is of [big mountain skier] Fraser McDougall launching a cliff in the Liebig Range, near Mt Cook in NZ. I like it because his line in shows full commitment and he is going ‘big’. I actually lost feeling in my toes for three months on this project.

It was on assignment for The North Face and

we camped out on top of Ridge Glacier to get shots of some of their top skiers in nature’s extreme playground. The night after this photo was a full moon, so we left the tent to shoot some crazy lines at midnight. I spent too much time waiting rather than moving and so semifroze my toes. Fortunately I didn't totally freeze them,

as the next day we had a massive ski/ board/hike out before an oncoming storm. It became a pretty solid adventure, scrambling through moraines and crossing semi-frozen streams with all our gear for the next one-and-a-half days.

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DAVID DARE PARKER In Jan 2002, David co-ordinated a safety awareness course for Afghan journalists in Pakistan for the International Federation of Journalists. During April and May of 2003 he was the Official War Photographer for the Australian War Memorial during Operation Falconer in the Middle East, the first time an Official Photographer had been assigned by the AWM since the Korean War. Recent projects include coverage of East Timor’s struggle for independence and Indonesia’s push towards democracy.

E D TEC H

I went to Romania in 1996 to begin a story on Romania's Roma (Gypsy) communities. I’d long admired the work of Médecins Sans Frontières and rang them to see if they were doing any work in the region. It coincided that MSF’s only non-interventionist mission at that time was there, working within the same communities I was interested in photographing. There has been a long history of discrimination and misunderstanding between the Roma people and the general Romanian population – the Roma are often relegated to living on the fringes of Romanian society.

Part of the MSF mandate was to help the Roma communities better coexist with their neighbours. Dialogue was established and simple initiatives were put in place. One Roma community built footpaths, so that the children could arrive at school with clean feet. Another Roma community dug a well and distributed soap, guaranteeing access to clean water and better hygiene.

This ‘bridge-building’ not only develops better understanding but also encourages enterprise and self-confidence. The shelling of nuts in one community and the making of bricks in another ensures that those Roma groups have a means to create employment prospects, while at the same time offering the chance to build relationships outside their community through commerce. One community I visited was Pata-Râta, a small community of 200 people squatting illegally in makeshift shacks adjoining a garbage dump on the fringe of the Transylvanian city of Cluj-Napoca. Every day, members of the community would fossick for discarded plastic, tin cans – anything they could find that might be worthy of recycling and bringing in some cash. I spent one wet and rainy day photographing a small group of kids working the dump until last light. The last garbage truck had left and the sky filled with black crows. The look on my face must have set off a spark in the kids, as their faces also lit up at the spectacle.

To check out more of the Nikon Ambassadors’ work: mynikonlife.com.au/scene

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Another Transylvanian community, Valcau, had improved its living conditions considerably by generating an income selling nuts. It was here that I came across two small kids – a boy and a girl – each no older than five or six; the little boy cheekily holding a cigarette he had been smoking. I shot two frames – one with cigarette in hand and the other with his hand behind his back.

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Behold Maddy and her spirit level. From what we hear, her likes include: Flexibility, plumb surfaces,and frozen yoghurt. More importantly, though, did you know alcohol is generally used as the liquid inisde a spirit level? This is largely because, compared to water, it has very low viscosity and surface tension. Also, get a load of those legs! Yikes!

LEVEL UP!

with a tool

Woman

USELESS FACT: The colour pink has a calming effect emotionally.

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PHOTO: WAYNE DANIELS

Alpine Star Gavin G i D Dennett tt sucks k iin th the ffresh h mountain t i air i iin Salzburg, Austria ’day, mate, let’s put another shrimp on the barbie,” says Lloyd Christmas in the opening scene of Dumb and Dumber in a boneheaded attempt to pick up an Austrian babe. It’s not the first time the central European nation has been confused with Australia. Tourist shops in Salzburg even sell trinkets with “No Kangaroos in Austria” emblazoned on them. However, despite the occasional mix-up with our wide, brown land, and the fact German is the national language, Austria has no identity crisis.

A Euro superpower in the 17th and 18th Centuries, Austria has had its ups and downs, but has been an independent nation since 1955 and boasts a hell of a lot more history than we do. Hugging the western border shared with Germany, the city of Salzburg nestles at the foot of the Bavarian Alps and is an alpine feast for the eyes. The home of Mozart, Red Bull, and The Sound of Music, the city boasts stunning Baroque architecture, postcard images with every blink, and the town centre is a UNESCO World Heritage Site.

“G

THIRSTY WORK I arrive in Salzburg by train from Munich, Germany, a couple of hours away, and despite it being summer, I’m shivering in my shorts. After dropping off my stuff and grabbing a coat, I head to the town centre to look for a beer. It’s a Sunday night and the joint is pretty sleepy. After poking around a few streets, I find a pub with a Kiwi behind the bar. His name’s Gary and tonight isn’t going to be a bender, he tells me, as school nights are pretty quiet here.

I grab a brew and meet up with an Aussie friend-of-a-friend who I barely know. She is also travelling and in Salzburg for a few days. Because she turns out to be a pain in the arse, I won’t use her name. Let’s just

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MAXIM.COM.AU

Salzburg ‘s Lance Armstrong monument wasn‘t exactly a hit

call her “Dora”.

After a few rounds of Austrian ales, none of which Dora buys, we head to our respective hostels and plan to reconvene in the morn for a tour to Eagle’s Nest, a bungalow just over the German border high in the Bavarian Alps that Adolf Hitler used to unwind and relax from the daily grind of dictatorship and mass murder during the reign of the Third Reich.

SCREAMING EAGLE The next day, we get on a coach and head to Mount Kehlstein in Berchtesgaden, Germany. The ascent into the mountains is picturesque and every twist and bend on the steep road is a reminder that playing

corners is for idiots. Once we arrive at the peak, the air is thin and crisp and fresher than a burst of Norsca.

Sitting high above the mountains is Eagle’s Nest, the chalet retreat given to Hitler for his 50th birthday that survived WWII. The view up here is spectacular and

Unicorns, meet Unitard

the snow-capped mountains extend as far as the eye can see. We have about an hour to explore the peak, so most people wander about or head down some isolated tracks. Except Dora – she’s wearing the wrong shoes. As it turns out, thongs aren’t the best footwear for mountaineering through snow. But she tells me the gift shop was amazing.

THE HILLS ARE ALIVE Following our descent from the mountains, we head off on a tour of the famous sites from the hit musical The Sound of Music.

Not the most blokey thing to be done on holidays, but it’s nothing half a dozen steins that evening won’t fix to restore my manhood. Plus, the 1965 classic film starring Julie Andrews is inescapable in Salzburg, as it was filmed here and is something the locals are extremely proud of. A bit like Aussies and BMX Bandits.

The tour passes the Von Trapp family house, the lake, the church, the gazebo – complete with prohibited entry, after a grandma tried to re-enact a dance scene and came a cropper a while back – and plenty of other locations. It’s actually pretty cool and one of those things you should do while here.

GIRL TROUBLE That night, I go with Dora into the Old Town to find some local grub. We decide to walk around looking for a joint that might serve up some schnitzels, Weisswurst snags, and pork knuckle. It’s relatively early, so we decide to just stroll about until we find a place serving what we’re after. Admittedly, finding somewhere traditional takes longer than expected, but as if somebody flicks a hunger switch, Dora suddenly flips out.

“If we don’t find somewhere NOW, I’m going to McDonald’s,” she roars out of nowhere.

In hindsight, that’s exactly where I should have let her go for a Have-A-Nice-Life Burger with large fries, but instead we go to a decent place with Austrian stews and goulash and sit outside. After ordering, I decide I don’t want to speak to Dora, seeing as she is still complaining. So she jumps up from the table and tries to cancel her order. Too late.

So there I am, sitting eating my stew outside, with Dora inside, before she finally bolts back to her hostel to defriend me on Facebook. The waiter comes out and asks, “Trouble with the wife?” “She’s not my wife,” I clarify. “I hardly know her.” He shrugs his shoulders and sighs, “Women!”

It seems Australia and Austria share more than just similar names beginning with A. FLYING SOLO The next day is a public holiday and toasty hot, which is great because the Salzburg city centre roads are blocked off for the annual classic car rally. Thousands of people line the streets to see vintage Aston Martins, Jaguars, Corvettes, Bentleys, MGs, Alfa Romeos, and heaps more do laps of a circuit taking in the Salzach River and famous Staatsbrücke Bridge, built by Nazi slave workers during WWII. It’s part serious, part Wacky Races, and essential viewing with a refreshing can of Stiegl in hand.

After taking in Hohensalzburg Castle and Mozart’s house, I head to Untersberg, a steep mountain outside the city limits with a vertigo-inducing cable car that climbs sharply into the clouds for 15 minutes.

Within seconds of leaving terra firma, my palms start sweating as Salzburg is reduced to a speck.

Once at the peak, I’m breathing in cumulonimbus and looking down at the city below bathing in temperatures twice what it is up here. The 360-degree views and snowy peaks are bloody brilliant. Most importantly, there’s hardly anyone up here,

“That's a boner, Julie Andrews. You gave that to me.”

“The hills are aliiiiiiiive...”

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so some parts I have to myself. I trek off for a few hours to enjoy the serenity, until I reach rocky terrain too treacherous for an amateur hiker wearing Vans.

On the way back to the cable car, the clouds I’m walking through turn black, dumping an almighty storm on me. Wet and cold, I return in the cable car and make my way to Hotel Stein in the Salzburg city centre for beers on the rooftop overlooking the Old Town, Salzach River, and Hohensalzburg Castle.

As dodgy at it sounds, the night finishes at a sausage stand chomping on salty wieners. It’s a million times better than a Kings Cross kebab.

a schoolgirl, knowing this is probably the highlight of my trip.

After an hour of Fucking, I’m about to leave when I see smoke billowing from a home in the distance. I speed over to see if it’s burning down. This is my chance to be a Fucking hero! Turns out the residents put one too many logs on the stove, so I hit the highway in the knowledge I’ve ticked off one of the most random and awesome goals on my life to-do list.

WORDS & PHOTOS: GAVIN DENNETT

ROAD TRIP For my last day in Austria, I hire a car and drive to Hallstatt, 50km south-east of Salzburg. Another UNESCO World Heritage Site, this hillside town on the Hallstätter See Lake is home to fewer than 1,000 people, but is one of the most beautiful places on Earth. With low rolling clouds, eerie mist, and gingerbread-looking houses set into the mountains, this salt-mining locale has

to be seen to be believed. If you come to Salzburg, a day trip to Hallstatt is essential.

Not so essential is where I end up next.

Going from the sublime to the ridiculous, I get behind the wheel and head in the opposite direction to where I’ve come from and go north of Salzburg to Fucking, a minuscule rural village best known around the globe for having the piss taken out of it across the internet.

After a couple of hours of giddy excitement, I enter Fucking. Thirty seconds later, I leave Fucking. It’s that small. It’s a long way to drive for a snoozy village in which I literally don’t see another person.

And I stay a while to soak up this global icon for swearers. I take a million happy snaps of the enter-Fucking sign and exit-Fucking sign, with red line through it (that reads to me as: “No Fucking”).

I pose and giggle like

YAY!

100 MAXIM.COM.AU

BOO!

NOT JUST A MAGAZINE Waiting an entire month for the coolest content known to man can be a long and tiring process.

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Woman W rld OF THE

Danica Thrall 102 MAXIM.COM.AU

Status Update BIRTHDAY: March 30, 1988 HOMETOWN: Derby, England BIGGEST TURN-ON: “A guy who has a hot body because of the job he does – not from being in the gym.”

HIDDEN TALENT: “I can do the crab-walk really well. That’s my one party trick.”

IF SHE COULD HAVE ONE SUPERPOWER: “To be a fly on the wall wherever I wanted without being seen.

I think about it all the time.”

PET PEEVE: “Arrogance.

It makes my skin crawl.”

BODY PART SHE’S MOST PROUD OF: “My stomach. I think it’s from doing a hell of a lot of swimming when I was younger, but I never really have to work on it.”

LAST MEAL: “Bangers and mash. I absolutely love that. Followed by lasagna.”

Her heels were so UK MODELLING SENSATION, ACTRES we had to S, HORSEBACK RIDER, ANDsexy censor them.

THE REASON FOR OUR SUDDEN BA NGERS AND MASH CRAVING MAXIM.COM.AU 103

OFTHE OF

Woman W rld One look at Dani ca Thrall proves she wouldn’t have to do anything exce pt strike a pose to m ake it big. But this classic over achiever insists on challenging hers elf. In 2012 her ac ting debut, campy UK flick Strippers Vs Werewolves, cam e to DVD. She to ok up equestrian sp orts just a couple years ago. She’s started playing on line poker. She rides motocross for fu n.

And, yes, she’ll be starring in your dreams from here on out.

It’s hard to belie ve you’re only relatively new to modelling. You must be a natura l.

It sounds weird, bu t when I’m in linge rie I actually feel mor e confident than when I’m clothed .

And you play on line poker?

I’m still learning.

I think the key is patience, which I find difficult sometimes! You could be playing for hours and then sa y, “Ah, I’m just go nna put all my money in.” But hopefully in a few years I’ll be an established pla yer in America!

Tell us about Strip pers Vs Werewol ves.

We’ve heard it’s gory but fun, like Piranha 3DD. Yes. You can tell by the title it’s a sim ple film in terms of wh at it’s about. I think it’ll make good vie wing.

104 MAXIM.COM.AU

WORDS: MARIA FONTOURA; PHOTOS: ZOE MCCONNELL

What were you do ing before your career took off ?

I love horses, so I was doing quite a bit of dressage – yo u know, when yo u see horses prancing around, almost on tiptoe? It’s one of the most disciplin ed equestrian sports in England. I’ve on ly been doing it for a couple of years, but I found I had a na tural ability to rid e.

We won’t even to uch that. Have yo u had any acciden ts?

When I first boug ht the horse I’ve go t now, I was gallopin g the fastest I’ve ever gone. She went ar ound to the right , and I flew off to the lef t and fell uncons cious for a good while.

It shook me up.

You do motocross riding, too. Are yo u an adrenalin junk ie?

I think so! The ini tial power surge when you put the throttl e down is similar to going from a stand still to a gallop on a horse. It’s the rush of that transition to speed that I like.

MAXIM.COM.AU 105

Sportif spice

For more: lecoqsportif.com

NSW and Australian representative rugby players Drew Mitchell and Tatafu Polota-Nau strike some fierce poses in Le Coq Sportif’s latest kit

▼ ▼ ▼ ▼ ▼

Risle T-shirt, $49.95; Eichel jacket, $129.95; Classic Waffle beanie, $34.95; Jeans are his own

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PHOTOS: KAI GODECK; STYLING: SASCHA RYNER

Elorn T-shirt, $59.95; Fango jacket, $149.95; Perpignan Nylon shoes, $179.95; Tardoire pants, $139.95

How was the shoot?

T: It was great. You probably don’t know this but I do a bit o of modelling when I’m in the show showers and change rooms. It was a go good vibe – lots of dancing.

D: It was pretty laidback, which is good, since it’s a little bit foreign for us to be doing this sort of stuff.

Describe your style.

T: Unorthodox/serious/who knows what the hell I’m doing. Basically, I just act like an idiot at shoots, as opposed to doing serious poses.

With a few episodes of Australia’s Next Top Model under my belt, I know it’s hard work and best left to the pros.

Can you see yourself doing more modelling in the future?

T: Definitely not on the catwalk but if you give me the right music and moment, yes.

D: Depends if you guys ask me back! Last year, Taf and I did a campaign called Friends of Le Coq Sportif. If I have the chance to model with Taf I’ll always take it up, since it’s pretty light-hearted and it’s easy to look better next to him!

Wait, you were on ANTM? T: Oh, nah. I’ve been watching it on Foxtel.

Did you spend the night before practicing looks in the mirror?

T: I wasn’t sure whether they made the right choice in casting me in the photo shoot. Once they clarified that, I got down to it and pulled off some Blue Steels and Magnums and Le Tigres. I watched Zoolander a few times for inspiration and tried to copy that part where he pulls off his undies during the walk-off but ended up giving myself a real tight wedgie instead.

D: Unfortunately, instead of practicing my looks/doing my homework, I spent the night having a few drinks for my birthday, which made it tough getting up this morning. Luckily, the clothes do most of the talking.

Tell us about your style, Drew.

D: Unlike Taf, I don’t take too many risks, but that means I know my fashion and what lasts. I keep my style pretty basic but, it’s true, I do love a hint of neon.

What are your go-to items in the Le Coq Sportif catalogue?

T: I’m starting to feel the cold, so the jackets and hoodies are on my list. I really like those high tops. And I especially like showcasing them on the dance floor.

D: I like things pretty basic and simple. I love all the products with small logos and pocket detailing.

The basic plain shirts are awesome because you can pair them with anything and still make a statement, and the chinos come in a couple of different colours, which pretty much complete my wardrobe.

What fashion item should make a comeback?

T: I’ve seen Drew rocking the fluoro and I think that needs to make a comeback. Growing up I was a big fan of the fluoro graffiti

in the “Ice Ice Baby” film clip, so I think everybody needs to stop, collaborate, and listen, because fluoro will be back with a brand new invention.

D: Overalls should definitely make a comeback! I know they’re on their way back in for women but every guy loves a good pair of overalls.

I can see it now: Overalls, no shirt, one strap down. True hillbilly style.

Can we get five fashion tips?

T: Don’t take any advice from me – five times over.

D: Be comfortable; it’s better to overdress than underdress; keep it simple; most importantly, never wear jeans and joggers. It will never be cool. And what Taf said – never take advice from him.

Tight, coloured trousers: They’re really popular, but is that a look you endorse?

T: If I had the legs, absolutely, but I’ve got these tree stumps for legs.

D: For me, it’s a little too much.

Without trying to sound like a girl, they make my legs look a little big.

Such is the life of a rugby union player – I can’t usually get them up around my quads.

If you had your own cologne, what would it smell like?

T: Fresh roses and potpourri.

D: It’s got to have that lasting effect.

I’d want people to catch a whiff of it whenever I walked by and then, whenever they next smelt it, all they could do is think about me.

It’d have to leave a reminder of me.

Daniel Steiner MAXIM.COM.AU 107

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Risle T-shirt, $49.95; Trieux shorts, $119.95; Clean cham cap, $39.95; Perpignan Chambray shoes, $179.95

Polo t-shirt – Arzo $99.95 Pants – Tardoire $139.95 Bag – Sac bowling $89.95 Shoes – Avron $99.95

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Risle T-shirt, $49.95; Eichel jacket, $129.95; Classic Waffle beanie, $34.95; Honfleur CVS shoes, $99.95; Jeans are his own ▼ ▼ ▼ ▼ ▼

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Straight line ¾ tee, $59.95; Tadoire pants, $129.95; Mode trucker cap, $29.95; Vavin Heavy shoes, $129.95 ▼ ▼ ▼ ▼ ▼

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W E CA N ’ T P R O M ISE THESE N E W F R AG R A N CES W ILL BAG YO U A BA B E, BU T W E CA N P R O M IS E T HEY’LL U P YO UR P UL L ING POW ER

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2 CALVIN KLEIN ENCOUNTER, FROM $80 The latest from the king of New York City cool, this plays with spicy notes, drenched in rum and cognac. Get the girls drunk on it.

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GUCCI GUILTY BLACK POUR HOMME, FROM $99 Italian cool in a sleek black bottle, this blends green coriander and lavender with orange flower, fusing with neroli and finally, patchouli, blended with deep cedarwood.

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With fragrance notes from Madagascar, Tuscany and Egypt, spritz this on and you’ll smell a little like that vacation you’ve been Jonesing for.

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AVEDA MEN PUREFORMANCE AROMA SPRAY, $99.95 Organic and spicy, this is one for your inner hippy. It blends spearmint, citrus, vetiver, and lavender essential oils.

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7 JEAN PAUL GAULTIER LE BEAU MALE, FROM $87 Touted as a fresh, green scent with a stimulating twist, it contains mint, sage, and something called mugwart, which we’re told is a plant that smells just divine.

WORDS: SHONAGH WALKER; PHOTO: LUKE SHADDOCK

BURT’S BEES MEN’S COLOGNE, $59.95 This is uplifting in much the same way as a hike through a rainforest (think citrus notes mixed with spicy cypress and fir).

Bonus: you don’t have to exert yourself to get the feeling.

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by DR. NIKKI GOLDSTEIN

Sharing is caring

Nikki is a qualified sexologist and relationship expert aiming to educate Australians about everything under the sheets.

You can find her on The Morning Show, Sunrise, The Hot30countdown, or her website: www.drnikkig.com.au Facebook: Dr Nikki Goldstein Twitter: @Dr_NikkiG

AS WITH TIGHTROPE WALKING, THE KEY TO A HEALTHY SEX LIFE IS BALANCE t’s time I changed some of the terminology when it comes to sex (yes, I can do that – I’m a doctor).

Instead of attempting to always ‘spice’ things up in the bedroom (since when did chilli do anything good for your love life? And if it does, please don’t share) it’s time we had a different agenda: To have a healthy sex life.

But what does that mean? It’s not necessarily about being able to partake in a bedroom marathon but to strike a sexual balance that fits both the internal desires and external potential of you and your partner. The

I

112 MAXIM.COM.AU

aim here is to have fun and enjoy your relationship both in and out of the bedroom, instead of just trying to go longer, harder, and stronger.

Explore yourself. Oh my, did I just give you permission to masturbate? Not that you actually need it, right? Think of this as more than masturbation – it’s an exploration of your inner self to discover what it is that really turns you on, how you get going, and how your body responds to sexual stimuli. You never know, you might just surprise yourself and find something new. I would tell women the same thing. You need to know what really gets you going, so you can tell your partner what to do (in a nice, gentle, and seductive way, of

course). Try to experiment with new sights, sounds, and maybe even smells.

Keeping some time for yourself. It’s important in relationships that you keep a little slice of your own life. It’s very intimate to share things with your partner but to keep the conversation interesting and not feel as though you have lost yourself might be the one move that can save you and your relationship. I’m not suggesting heading to the pub on a regular basis or anything.

Why not try a

hobby like fishing or something outdoorsy and hot where you can take your shirt off (sexual fantasy alert!)?

It’s also important to encourage her to do likewise.

The talking never ends.

I know this might not be your fav activity to do with your partner but most problems in relationships come from a lack of communication.

Most problems in the bedroom also come from assumptions that follow on from that lack of communication. When we start a relationship we might discuss sexual fantasies but keep in mind these could change over the months and years. It’s important to every so often check in with your partner and see where

they are at. Women’s sexuality is fluid and changes over time. Something that was off the table when you first met might be back on these days – but how will you know if you don’t talk about it?

Trying one small new thing. When it comes to spicing things up in the bedroom, people often want to go to extremes, grab a costume, and turn their bedroom into a dungeon. But all it might take is one small thing to break tiresome bedroom habits. A blindfold, a new toy, some sexy lingerie etc.

Use the KISS [Keep It Simple, Stupid] principle and get it right without going over the top.

Yo u n e e d t o k n o w what really gets you going, so you can tell your partner what to do.

forget to touch her hand, tickle her inner thigh, and hug her whenever you can.

But please do it without a sexual agenda, otherwise it’ll feel forced.

Do not keep up with the Joneses.

We can get caught up with comparing ourselves, our relationships, and our sex lives with everyone else’s. Please note that your relationships and sex lives are unique to you and your partner.

What is right and works for you does not necessarily work for other people and vice versa. So find out what makes you and your partner tick, no matter how crazy or bizarre that might be. Most of all, enjoy the journey but don’t focus on the destination. Maintaining an exciting and healthy relationship is not about an end goal but about a process – and one you should enjoy. You might never be completely satisfied (where’s the fun in that?) but you sure can have fun trying.

Touch! It’s something we can forget to do but is often so powerful when it comes to intimacy. I know you are eager to jump into bed but just touching your partner can elicit similar biological responses and release various sex hormones that make us feel fulfilled and bonded to our partner. Don’t

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THE DECIDER

Dude, WTF? You know you screwed up big time but can’t quite remember your crime?

Answer these questions and discover why you just got your arse kicked

START Check your clothes.

Is there blood?

YES

HERE!

You just came to after a blackout. Is there a pissedoff guy in an Ed Hardy shirt standing over you?

How do you sleep at night?

A. I don’t, thanks to nearconstant orgasms.

B. Depends on how colicky I’m pretending to be.

NO YES

NO

A

Is the blood yours?

A. Yes. B. Nope. That’s just beetroot stains.

C. Mostly, but someone might’ve cut his fist on my gel spikes.

A

B

C

A Does your best friend’s sister have any tattoos?

A. How would I know?

B. No, but the birthmark on her thigh looks kind of like a turtle.

TRUE

B

YES

NO

B

A

R. Kelly

Andy Dick

A

B

YOU SCREWED OVER YOUR CO-WORKER He was passed over for a promotion because you got wasted at the office party and told everyone he collects seashells.

Where are you?

A. Under my desk. My desk is literally on top of me.

B. Somewhere pink with a Jonas Brothers poster.

C. In my time-out corner.

YOU SCREWED YOUR BEST FRIEND’S SISTER On top of his childhood teddy bear. With his soccer trophies watching. And mopped up afterwards using his grandma’s “memory quilt”.

B

C

YOU’RE JUST SCREWED While cat-sitting for Bob next door, you dressed in a nappy and used his computer for your weekly “Spank the Baby” webcast.

COMPILED BY: SCOTT JACOBSON

Can you keep a secret?

A. Yes. B. Yes. Unless the secret’s, like, totally hilarious.

114 MAXIM.COM.AU

FALSE

Is that your talcumpowdered arse print on your neighbour’s couch?

C Which celebrity mug shot do you identify with more?

A

True or false: Your most visited sites are ‘Casual Encounters’ forums and Myer... for kids.

Oh, there he is.

Look around. Any witnesses to your epic arse-kicking?

A. No. B. One, and she’s threatening to tell my attacker’s mum on him.

C. My entire sales department and some visiting reps from our Swedish branch.

B