The Unseen Face by Joannes Rhino

The Unseen Faceâ&#x20AC;©

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. No part of this book may be reproduced, distributed, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the author, except in the case of brief quotations used in articles and reviews. ISBN-13: 978-1514210062 ISBN-10: 1514210061

Printed in the United States of America First Printing, June 2013

“Joannes Rhino is an amazing storyteller.” – Laura Scott, American Author – “Intense, fascinating and full of twists. The ending left me wanting more and cheering on characters. – Nadezdha Lesstiue, Public Relations Consultant, Moscow – “This book has been my favorite read in quite some time. Rhino writes in a way that is unique to him— flawlessly weaving between poetic prose, fast-paced dialogue, and masterful story telling. Far better than the last several best-sellers I’ve read for my book club.” – Rachael Isaacson, American Author – “Witty. Mellifluous. Joyous. Complicated, nice flow, perfect ending.” – Sue Ann Klosterman Becker, Online Marketer – “His writing style is almost poetic, and each sentence flows wonderfully across the page, making for an easy and enjoyable read that had me hooked from the beginning.” – Brittany M. Willows, American Author –

If you shut up truth and bury it under the ground, it will but grow, and gather to itself such explosive power that the day it bursts through it will blow up everything in its way.â&#x20AC;?

~Emile Zolaâ&#x20AC;Š

The Unseen Face

Chapter One ~ December 18, 2009 ~

There are those who believe that the world is no different from a huge playground. Most kids surely think so. They believe they can play all day long, laughing and screaming as hard and freely as they can, or act recklessly without the care of consequence. They embrace every sensation as though anything and everything is possible. When I was a kid, I believed I could crawl into the world inside my head and live in the image of every thought I had. I had no doubt that my world was a magical place to live in. However, as I grew up, I began to wonder if perhaps all the fun was there solely because my mind created it. I was the one who poisoned my own brain. What I have just witnessed is far more horrible than I ever thought anything could be. The world is somewhat strange. It doesnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t allow me to make rules of my own based on how I want things to be. In this world, your happiness

Joannes Rhino and survival is based on your personal sacrifices, no matter who you are. I have grown to know this brutal truth. Here I am, standing rigidly like a carved ice statue under the drizzle of December rain, soaking wet on the concrete rooftop of the thirtyfive-story building where I work. Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m still trying to figure out how I got here. The last thing I remember was parking my Ducati in the basement and heading up to the office. Everything after that is blank, but I guess being here is where the universe wants me to be. I have lost the wings to fly over this beautiful world. Everything seems unworthy. Everything is broken inside, and it cripples my faith. I cannot remain any longer in this world. Nothing is worth anything anymore. The beauty of this world has been stained. And it breaks my heart terribly. It crushes my soul. If I have to kill myself, which is something I intend to do right now, I must have some solid proof that all the facts are genuine. Assumptions may not be enough to convince me. But as much as I donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t want to see the evidence, eventually I shall have to face the truth. My solitude is confirmed when the harsh wind blows hard, making the transmitter masts dance on the edge of the roof. A roar bursts from

The Unseen Face behind the dark clouds, like a whisper from the sky telling me to go away from here. Why should I not go? I cannot find any reason to stay. Although my heart keeps pounding and racing, the fear of death has left me. It is my destiny to end this journey right here and right now. I shall kill myself on the spot and then proclaim my reasons to God. I will concede myself to heaven and repent for what I have done. I will depart from this earth like an arrow. If I were not falling, I might very well be flying. I will be relaxed as I hurtle through the air, comfortable in the grip of unimaginable motion. I will not be intimidated by gravityâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s divine suction or by what awaits me down there. Although I have not chosen this fate that I possess, in this last instant of life, I will embrace it. My arms are by my side, only slightly outrigger. My left leg is bent at the knee, almost casually. My white shirt billows free of my black pants. My black high-tops shine like golden armor. Anyone who looks at me in this moment will see stoicism, willpower, and a portrait of resignation. But I see myself as something elseâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;

Joannes Rhino something discordant and therefore terribleâ&#x20AC;&#x201D; free. Something inside of me rebelled at the thought of doing this. However, as though faced with the inevitability of death, I decide to get on with it as if I were a missile or a spear bent on attaining my own end. It is a melancholy truth that I pour out this life with sorrow. What should I do about it? I have lost every desire to live. I have lost the motive and cue for passion in this mortal life. All of the passing days are now just like a single breath. If the substance of words is a breath of life, then I have no more life to breathe. The devils laugh at me every day for hours. With scorns they worship each day, for there will be no tomorrow. I look up at the sky to feel this solitude, to feel this hatred, to feel my helplessness, and to feel any thrill that I still can. However, there where I glance, my dear love is smiling from above. I will soon walk closer to her. As cigar smoke gushes from my nose, I let this face feel the last breath of rain. I wish that the sky would stop crying, pretending to pity me. I am already dead, as I was before I got here. Will I be forgiven for my sins? Forgiveness. Is it that easy to wipe out all sins with one-time forgiveness? Will everything be !4

The Unseen Face restarted all over again, from then on? I really don’t think I deserve such forgiveness. Not for this sin. This is too much to bear, and it seems to me that no one could ever forgive me. Regret. It will not be easy to feel regret. What does it mean, anyway? What does it mean to regret when I didn’t realize this earlier? What does it mean to regret if I never had a choice to dodge? The door to escape was never there. This is what I was destined to feel, and I shall take my life out from this wound. A tiny part of my soul is trying to believe that I still have miles to go, and that the journey ahead promises me the chance of full recovery— and the total cleansing of this sin. However, the fact is, my belief of pursuing self-purification has become my only demon to beat over the last two weeks. If only I were allowed selfishness at this moment, then I could bring this journey to its end. I gasp, out of breath, as my knees tremble on the edge of the roof. I can hear the weary and weak beat of my soul. I spread my arms wide. I will soon be traveling downward at a speed of 150 miles per hour, upside down, and frozen. I will fall and keep on falling until I disappear. This is the place where I inhale the everlasting breath that shapes my body from this worldweary flesh.

Joannes Rhino “This is it.” Eyes… look your last. Heart… pump your last. Lungs… breathe your last. Arms… touch the winds of grace. “God, here I come.” Amen.

The Unseen Face

Chapter Two ~ December 7, 2009 ~

This began two weeks ago when I received a mysterious letter with the initials AJ at the bottom. Its message was vague, just one line: I AM INNOCENT. AJ. Who is AJ? I thought. Convincing myself that the mailman dropped it on my doorstep by accident did create some peace in me. However, that peace didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t last when I saw my name and address clearly written on the envelope. After a few days, simple worrying graduated to nightmares. Nightmares about Emilia. These dreams were nasty. The kind of dreams that you get after watching a horror movie with ghosts that kill women and drink their blood. It was hard to see such horrible deeds done to the person I truly loved. Yes, it was in dreams, but I hated it still. I

Joannes Rhino hated it more when I could not stop thinking about these stupid dreams. I could not make them disappear from my head. They were vividly realistic, and their persistence haunted me. That was the beginning…before everything got really messed up. My name is James Maddox. I am an employee of First Union Bank in New York City. People often told me how lucky I was to get a job in one of the biggest finance companies in the US. Well, as a high school dropout, I considered myself lucky, indeed. Even now, I sometimes wonder why they hired me. There are lots of qualified Online Bankers, I thought. This was my fourth year in the company and I was still in my comfort zone, although the corporate bureaucracies could sometimes be frustrating. Since the company runs a 24 hour service, I worked in shifts, sometimes sacrificing my weekends or holidays. It was fun, though. I easily fit in with the people I worked with, like Richard O’Brien, my high school buddy. We had lost contact with each other many years earlier, and he was a senior officer when I ran into him in the north corridor of the building. As if no time had passed at all he became my closest friend and mentor, and helped me dig further into the finance industry. I always enjoyed talking with Richard. Whatever !8

The Unseen Face the topic, he found the positive side, a true glasshalf-full kind of guy. When we had the same shift we’d spend hours in the parking lot after work, never running short on topics to discuss. Gorgeous women often dominated our chats, but we also talked about death, life after death, religion, politics and work. Other times we’d flashback to the glory days of our high school. One night we were at our favorite spot in the parking lot. I was sitting on a concrete bench next to the sidewalk and Richard was sitting on his black, 65 Ford Mustang, eating a burrito. It was between two or three o’clock in the morning. “I admit, I have never been in a situation like yours, but you have to move on, man,” Richard said with his mouth full. Richard was pale-skinned in the dim lights. A small, silver crucifix hung from a silver chain around his neck. His fingers were adorned with silver rings. It was a cold night, the crisp air threatened snow, so Richard wore a camel hair overcoat. I was in my favorite vintage Soviet Navy coat, midnight blue, the same shade as my eyes. People often told me the contrasting sparkle of blue against my black hair and olive skin made my eyes hypnotic, sometimes haunting.

Joannes Rhino “I just feel like she was the one,” I remarked. “Was,” Richard reiterated. “I know. It’s kinda sappy.” “It’s not.” “Yeah, I’m gonna say something that Iv’e kept to myself for too long,” I said, looking him in the eyes. “Don’t take for granted what you have with your wife. Everyman dreams of that kind of life with his girl, man. I thought I would have that with Emilia, and I still do. I keep waiting and waiting for it to happen, but it doesn’t, and I am tired of waiting. Tired. Tired.” I punch the air like it is a visible enemy. “You know, James, my wife once talked her way out of a speeding ticket.” “Really?” Eating while talking made Richard delay responding. “She was heading upstate to my parents’ house, doing like a hundred on this country road, and she got pulled over. The cop got out of his car. He kind of swaggered to her and he’s like, ‘young lady, I have been waiting for you all day.’ My wife looked up at him and said, ‘I’m so sorry, officer, I got here as fast as I could.’” We both laughed. Quickly, he wiped off a piece of food dangling on his lip. I chuckled. “For real?”

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The Unseen Face Richard laughed softly. “No. It’s an old joke. Look, my point is, I know that you’re tired of waiting, and you may have to wait a little while more, but she’s on her way, James. And she’s getting here as fast as she can. Or, probably she’s already here, but you can’t see her yet, if you know who I’m referring to.” “It’s not that easy to let go, you know.” “Who said it’s gonna be easy? But, man, it has been like what? Years? Not that I’m saying it’s not a big deal. I just—” “It is a big deal, okay?” I responded with blazing eyes. “And you know why it’s such a big deal for you, why you’re not over her yet? It’s because you can still picture her everywhere. You can’t get over someone until you can no longer picture them. It’s a scientific fact.” “Right. And you’re the expert,” I said sarcastically. Richard threw away the rest of his burrito into the bin. “I’m saying that it seems like your hard drive is filled to capacity by her pictures only.” “There are lots of them.” “James, grow up, man. What is wrong with you?” Richard shouts, staring at my face. “They won’t go away on their own. You have to

Joannes Rhino overwrite them with fresh images. Images of a great woman. You know who I’m talking about.” I rolled a large joint and crumbled some skunk between my fingers, then sprinkled it on the paper. I added some tobacco and carefully rolled the paper between my thumbs and fingers several times. “I don’t know why I feel this way,” I said, after licking the gluey side of the paper and rolling it tightly. “I think you know exactly why,” Richard said. “Do I?” I ripped off a small square from the packet of rolling papers and rolled it tightly into a small cylinder. Then I carefully inserted one end of the joint. Richard insisted that I lick the nearly completed joint a couple more times to ensure it was sealed. I twisted the open end of the joint and held it at arm's length, admiring my good work. “Are you gonna smoke the fuckin thing?” Richard asked, as he handed over his lighter. “Easy there, stoner.” I lit the joint and took several long and slow tokes before offering it to him. He eagerly grabbed at the joint, but I jerked it away. “Man!” Richard glared. I grinned. Eventually, I handed it over.

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The Unseen Face He drew heavy tokes. Then he leaned his head backwards, enjoying the light-headed feeling. Slowly, he exhaled and closed his eyes for several seconds. I snatched the joint and drew heavily. “Man, it feels to me that it wasn’t her time. She had dreams. She had a purpose,” I continued. “And that means what?” Richard asked. “You, too, have a purpose, James. You see, everyone we know will one day be dead. What can we do about it? Death is the most natural thing there is, and we don’t question it. Doesn’t matter what we do, or what we don’t do. It happens, and it’s natural.” “Fuck me! Am I in a group therapy now? Are you gonna charge me after this?” I snapped. Richard laughed and pointed to the joint. “I accept weed. Hand it over.” I handed Richard the joint, and he took a long toke that finished it. “Look, I know what it’s like to feel sorry for myself,” he finally said. “Oh, do you?” I asked. He nodded. “Yes, but in a different situation. I used to feel lonely, and had no direction and no purpose—” “Yeah, I know, until you found God,” I interrupted.

Joannes Rhino “Until I met someone who changed my outlook on the world, and that person is waiting for me at home at this very moment. You see, we all have purposes. Just because you’re facing this shit doesn’t mean you’ve lost yours,” he lectured. Then he shifted uncomfortably on the car and strengthened his seat position. “You know how I used to bang a lot of chicks back in the day? Asian, black, white—I enjoyed everybody.” “You have been sexually active, I know.” “Damn right, I was.” I snorted. “And now you feel pressured to live up to that kind of label?” “No. That’s the thing. It’s not a label. It’s just something I used to do. Many men have done it. Some are still doing it.” “Sure.” “But when I got married two years ago, I vowed to give up all that crap,” he continued. “I hung up my spurs, put the pony in the paddock —no more chasing girls, no more making out with random chicks I met at the bar.” “You might also add that you made a commitment. Just get me to the point.” “My point , I was far more broken than you are now.”

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The Unseen Face “Right. Banging tons of chicks…broken. I wonder who’s got the real issues here,” I mocked. “Whatever. Just look at me now.” “And what am I looking at exactly?” I raised my eyebrows. “Look, don’t get me wrong. I’m not asking you to settle down and have kids with Jen. But Jesus, James, life must go on. You gotta move on at some point cause there’s a whole life waiting for you. A decent and real one. But you want nothing to do with it.” “Yeah, guess you’re right, but…” “Tell me, what will happen if Jen finds out about this?” He asked. “Ah, here we go again.” My eyes drifted away. “Look at me! Don’t go all Waiting to Exhale on me, James. Jen is too good for you to lose. She’s the real deal,” he shouted instinctively. “You don’t seem to know what a lucky bastard you really are. I understand you have all this baggage, but I’m pretty damn sure everyone has their own shit to deal with, too. You’ve got to find a way to move on cause it’s part of life, and like anything else, it’s easier when you let someone give you a hand with it.” To be honest, I found it hard to see how lucky I really was. I mean, how could I be so blinded

Joannes Rhino by the memories of my past. Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d wasted so much of my time mourning. I should have been grateful for what I did have: a job, good health, a social life, a new relationship, and many other things.Â I ought to be aware that time would eventually heal the wound that Emilia had left. But how? I was imprisoned by our classic, tragic love story. Having relationships with girls was never my thing. I was not sure what to call what was going on between Jennifer and I, but love was definitely a strong word. It was nothing more than a fling, I guess. However, in my twenty-two years of life, I had only had one serious relationship. And that love became my nightmare. It was Emilia Torres who took my heart. She was my sunrise and sunset, my east and west, my winter and summer. The sweetest thing I had ever had. When I first met Emilia in high school, I was hooked. She was smart, passionate, and driven, not to mention she had a teen-magazine-cover face, a smooth, yellow complexion, and a Spanish guitar shaped body. She was a perfect ten. She was lovelier than the brightest angel of heaven. She was a got-your-back kind of girl. I did what a good boy would do when he found !16

The Unseen Face the girl he’d dreamt of his whole life. I went all the way. I gave her my heart. All of it. Everything seemed like a fairy tale, and love began to crystallize between us. It felt to me like nothing could separate us, but I was wrong. She hid her disease from me for over two years before I found out. She was suffering from an infection of her brain tissues. No one knew what triggered the infection. It seemed to come out of nowhere. During Emilia’s weeks in the hospital, I heard a radio host asking the question, ‘Why do bad things happen to good people?’ That question rang in my head a lot. I tried to be there for her in every way a lover should, but it just seemed like it was never enough. Finally, the day came when the reality that she was getting worse began to sink in. She passed away a month later, and it killed me. My kingdom of love fell apart and it has remained like that ever since. But as Richard said, life must go on. “James, I’m sick of doing this Dr. Phil shit on you every night,” Richard said, breaking the silence. “I know this thing has been hard on you.” I snorted. “Tell me about it.”

Joannes Rhino “I know it sucks. But look, sometimes things need to fall apart to make way for better things,” he continued. “If you say so,” I muttered. “I’m saying the eggs are already broken, but let’s make sure you’re still able to make a good omelet.” “So, the eggs are my heart?” I smiled. “Your head, you dumb ass,” he shouted before checking his phone. “Got an appointment?” “You might wanna consider talking to someone. Try a shrink,” he recommended. “Excuse me?” I growled, glaring at him. He shrugged. “Look, you can’t beat the shit out of yourself, forever. Plus, you’re not making any progress sharing this stuff with me. So, why not try an expert?” “Seriously? Are you shitting me?” “You have some serious shit going on, man. At least do it for Jen. She needs somebody who can tell her that everything is gonna be just fine.” “Leave her out of this. She knows nothing, and it’s none of her business, anyway.” “Damn! I feel sorry for her.” “Why are you always taking her side?” “Because you’re a bit of a pussy, you know that?” !18

The Unseen Face “Oh? I’m a pussy. That’s why—” “You’re too afraid to let go of your past.” “You think I like being like this?” “Listen, man,” he said with a very serious face. “Don’t bury this shit any deeper. You may not realize how messed up your life is, but in time, that quiet voice in your head is gonna knock you on your ass.” My eyes widened. “James, when dealing with deep depression or sad shit, it’s cool to pretend like nothing is wrong. That works sometimes.” He slid closer to me. “But eventually, something inside you will call up and say, ‘you’re fucked up, dude! You have to do something.’” “But a shrink? Come on. I’m not that fucked up.” “This is not you. This is not the person I knew in high school. You remember the first time we met? I showed up in the classroom and freaked out, but there was this boy, smiling at me with his crazy stare. Had headphones on, humming around people like he just didn’t give a crap. Happy, confident, not afraid of anything. That boy was you.” “Just so you know, I was stoned.” Richard smiled. “What I’m trying to say is there’s a version of you without Emilia, and it’s

Joannes Rhino not this. You can’t let her death steal the real you.” “Sometimes I think I hear her laugh. Then I turn around, expecting her to be there. Silly, I know,” I said smiling bitterly. “No. No, it’s not silly. Those are memories. Memories are what our lives end up being. We gotta hang on to the good ones, and let the bad ones go. Never let them haunt us.” All the way home, Richard’s voice kept screaming in my head like a broken record. I really didn’t want to take his advice. It felt like admitting to having a mental disorder. Everything is still under control, I am not crazy, I thought. What is the big deal about psychiatrists anyway? Is there a guarantee that the problem will go away if I share it with them? Do they have special abilities to solve this kind of problem? Or it’s all about talking and sharing, isn’t it? So, what difference will it make? That kind of skepticism kept poisoning my brain. I had just passed Mitchell Street when I remembered that my school was not far from the tunnel. Of course, thinking about it stimulated memories of the old days in high school with my Emilia. I actually didn’t want to think about her, but the fact that I had to pass that route every

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The Unseen Face single day made it impossible not to. Ironic indeed. Time seemed to no longer exist whenever I daydreamed about Emilia. Without realizing it, my bike turned into an alley where I found a minimalist-style, ancient house with a blackpainted fence. Some of the houses nearby looked dark, probably because during the holiday season most people travelled. I looked at the yellowish white building in front of me and realized that, even though it seemed ugly, it was the place where I had lived for the past eleven years. There was still a sense of comfort every time I set foot on that place. Perhaps that’s why they say, ‘home sweet home—there is no place like home.’ I imagined my elder sister, Jasmine, sleeping with a blanket draped over her from head to toe. My brother, Aries, always fell asleep on the couch when my parents were already in bed, with Vicky, their lazy Labrador dog, lying somewhere near them. For nearly five minutes, I manipulated my mind into seeing it before my life fell apart. Before I had moved out after realizing there was no life inside that house anymore. Literally no life. Honestly speaking, I did that quite often, picturing the inside of the house in those days. It

Joannes Rhino soothed my soul and melted my heart, and at times, moistened my eyes with the sting of my memories. My mother passed away five years ago, and my father a year later. They both suffered from an unknown disease. The doctors only mentioned complicationsâ&#x20AC;Ścomplications. After the death of my father, my brother rarely went home. For no reason, he became very busy. For him, the house was no more than a place to dispose of his dirty laundry. I would go months without seeing him. I always wondered what he was doing. Jasmine got busy with her own world. Two years ago, she married her former boss, and had a baby boy. Having a newborn child was her excuse for not seeing me. I found that reasonable. The last time she visited me was last year, only because I called to let her know that Vicky had died. So, there I was, standing alone at dawn, playing with my mind. Home sweet home. It was a bit awkward saying that. However, the place was a witness to the downfalls during the last eleven years of my life. There were so many stories, so much laughter, and so many tears inside that dull-looking building. Somehow, that was still home for me.

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The Unseen Face When I laid down on the couch, the time on my phone showed half past four in the morning. I made a huge mistake by looking at pictures of Emilia. They were in a folder in my cell phone. Seeing them made me ache, made me feel like slicing my veins with a knife just to put salt on the wounds of which I could never quite reach. I might not have been dead, but this was surely killing me. The weird thing was, I kept on repeating that stupidity almost every night, as if somehow the pain gave me the strength to keep going. At times I thought, what does a day mean without thinking of her? The earth could shake the sun and kill the moon, and still not bring me such a life in this world. Yes, I know how pathetic it might sound. If somehow that is a curse, then let it be my sweet damnation, because heaven made me to be such a loving man, I swore in faith. It was strange and pitiful, but joyful in some ways, too. I loved her for the pain I felt, and I did pity them. That was the only witchcraft I have ever used. As the last cigarette burned out, the day ended with plumes of smoke in my lungs, crystal pains in my heart, and emptiness inside the house.

Joannes Rhino Lying on my bed, I looked at the artificial stars on the ceiling and let the darkness accompany me. I imagined myself lying peacefully in a vast expanse of grass, enjoying the beauty of the night. I felt the breeze caressing my face with a sweet touch until I fell asleep.â&#x20AC;Š

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Chapter Three It was not the alarm that woke me up. Neither was it my cell phone nor the scent of coffee. And it was certainly not a gentle kiss on the lips that Emilia used to give me. It was the dream. I sighed, relieved it was just a dream, and that it had ended. However, in my mind it had not ended. I could still hear the frantic screaming of my love. Emilia was lying naked and lifeless on a metal table. A man with no face stood beside her. He had forceps and a surgical knife clutched in his hand. Whatever happened next, I didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t know. And it killed me. Yes, Emilia was in a tragic condition, glistening red against ashen skin, but seeing her made me love her even more. Putting aside the emotional part, I failed to understand why the

Joannes Rhino dream kept on coming and coming, night after night. It was tormenting me. A part of me felt like there was a puzzle I had to complete, that Emilia was trying to tell me something. But another part of me felt like I should find a drug so I’d never sleep again…or never wake up. That is how my day started. I always considered that my day began from the moment I entered the 26th floor where I worked, greeted by the friendly faces of my coworkers. Today was different though. There was no, ‘morning, James,’ or ‘how are you today?’ I got silence and sideways glances from the office gossips. Honestly, I didn’t know what happened or what I had done. So, I stepped back and put on my innocent face as a cover, ignoring those fools staring at me as if I was the most wanted fugitive in the building. I reached the most horrible place on the entire floor. Right at the end of the hallway waited a mammoth woman with her fleshy arms folded tightly across her chest. She reminded me of my fat math teacher in middle school. She always folded her arms like that before slapping my hands with a rattan as a punishment for not doing homework. I reflexively wrung my hands together as I walked down to meet her.

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The Unseen Face Her name was Mrs. Riana Amelia, but she was popularly known as ‘The Queen Bee.’ Whoever dared to give her such a nickname, I don’t know, but he must have been a brave fellow. She was a late fifties widow who had no children, barely smiled, and possessed no sense of humor, whatsoever. She was the exact picture of an unattractive and unqualified person who bullied their way to the top, which made people like me an easy target. Unfortunately, people like her are everywhere, sitting on powerful seats and operating some sort of engine with power and arrogance as their fuel. I tried to smile and half-bowed, acting as if I was her loyal servant. She eyeballed me to confirm her cruelty. I dared not look at those sharp eyes, I faced the floor. “James,” Queen Bee erupted. My lungs jammed for a second. “Ye…Yes, Ma’am.” I stammered before following her to her office. “Are you an idiot or what?” She screamed, throwing a document on the table. She released herself onto her chair. The chair screamed in agony. “This is the second time in a month!” She continued.

Joannes Rhino With my lips still sealed, I swallowed a big dose of saliva. I still had no clue what I had done, but I was shaking. And my innocent face had switched into Tom Hanks’ idiot face from Forest Gump. “You have been working here for years now. How could you create such a mess?” She demanded, as she swirled the chair to face her computer and drummed the keyboard with her meaty fingers. “This customer…ring a bell?” I bent down, squinting. I saw my banking transaction ID popping up on the screen, and I knew exactly what it meant. “How on earth could you withdraw a two thousand dollar deposit without any confirmation?” My stomach froze. I don’t remember this. I failed to believe that I did such a stupid thing. “Do you realize how this affects the company?” She asked. “We lost almost ten thousand because of this nonsense. Not to mention that this customer works in a law firm. Now he is suing us for numbers that you don’t even want to know.” “Em… Eh… I am, I am very sorry.” I managed. !28

The Unseen Face “Sorry, huh? And you think sorry can fix all this mess? You are really something.” “Um… Is there anything I can do to fix this?” “You can’t pay the company’s loss, can you? I really don’t know what I am going to do to you.” My left armpit released a drop of cold sweat. “It won’t happen again. I promise.” Her stare pierced my eyes. “This is your second error this month.” “I promise, I will do my best.” “That’s not enough. I need no words. I need a guarantee.” She turned back to the screen and started typing. “I have to make sure you don’t repeat this error. It’s costly.” The printer on the table buzzed, and a sheet of paper slid out. “Sign here. This will be your last warning,” she said. Warning letter! It was hard to hide the shivering now. The letter also meant that I was not entitled to receive any monthly bonus. “You have to start thinking of making yourself necessary to this company. Be an asset like me, not a liability. You see, this company needs me. This office would die without me.” She drew closer to my face. “People want to live like me and drive expensive cars, have big

Joannes Rhino houses, and all the fancy stuff, but they don’t want to work hard and smart to get it.” Honestly, I didn’t know what she was bragging about. Suddenly, I felt sick. Both of my eyes spun around, and a horrible headache started crawling inside my brain. I quickly signed the paper and left her office without saying anything. *** I was a living mess for the rest of the night. I couldn’t focus or do anything without being distracted. Later, I asked for permission to take a break. I was too fed up to deal with anything. I just wanted to get the hell off of the 26th floor. I needed to be alone, and the perfect place was the rooftop. I used it as my emotions management space. The place was just like any other helipad: city lights, transmitter antennas and the sky, of course. I enjoyed the beautiful sunrise along with the sweet gig of sparrows in the morning. During the day the sun was my comfort. And when the sky was overcast, I watched as dark clouds covered the horizon like an alien invasion. But my favorite was when the sun set on the western horizon and the warm wind blew !30

The Unseen Face against my face. I’d watch as flocks of birds flew above, and pierced the clouds in the fading sky. So, there I was, alienated and deep in misery. I lit up a cigarette and sat on the concrete, holding both knees and staring at the sky. Millions of glowing dots gave me company. The honking cars below honked a good rhythm. After sometime, footsteps from the entrance disturbed my spinning mind. “Figured you might be here.” I knew it was Richard. He was the only person who knew the place. We sometimes called it The Chamber of Secrets. “Nobody is perfect. People screw up once in a while,” he said sitting next to me. “Yeah.” He gazed at me with sorry eyes. “So, warning letter?” “You had to remind me of that?” Richard smoked with his distinctive style, creating bubbles of rings from the smoke. “Well, you deserved it.” “Gee, thanks a lot.” “Just saying you need to be more focused on paper, and try to take your current responsibilities more seriously.” “Shit, man! You sound like The Queen Bee now.”

Joannes Rhino “Listen, nothing that I say will make you feel any better. This thing is gonna suck for a while, and then you will be fine. But for what it’s worth, I am sorry this is happening to you, man.” “At least I’m not getting fired.” “You could ask for some nice cash to walk away if you are…” I gave him a glance of an eagle. “Shit! That’s gonna screw everything up.” “Welcome to your life. So, tell me, what happened?” “Just having one of those days.” “I wasn’t talking about work. But, dude, come on, what’s really happening to you, mentally?” I snorted. “You’re even worse than the fat lady down there.” “I know you aren’t dumb enough to make the same mistake twice in the same month. You’re one of the best bankers here, and you know it. We both know what this is really about.” “Well, tell me, what is this all about? You seem to know better than I do.” “It’s her. It’s always about her, nothing else,” Richard said. “This has nothing to do with anyone, okay?”

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The Unseen Face He gave me a disappointed stare. “Ah, come on. Stop doing that.” “Doing what?” “This denial thing” “I am telling you. This is something else.” “Yeah, like what?” “I don’t know, man. I feel like…like a bit off track these days. Something is bothering me, and I don’t know what it is. But it is definitely not about her.” “I don’t wanna be rude. I am just gonna be honest with you cause there’s a lot on the line here. You’re being a pussy. You don’t have the guts to admit your own mess.” “No, shit.” “When you met Jen, I really thought you were finally gonna stop whining about Emilia and start being happy,” he continued. “Instead, you’re giving Jen a hard time. How can you possibly manage the relationship you have with her? How could you be in a relationship while you are incapable of being happy? Hmm?” “You’re saying my relationship is falling apart and my job is on the line, because I am not happy?” “There’s no walking out on this. You must stop running. For once in your life stop running, James.” “What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

Joannes Rhino “Life doesn’t always turn out exactly like how you planned it. So many things that you thought were the most important in the world, they turn out not to be. But, sometimes it turns out to be even better. It’s just that you don’t realize it yet. You know… there is a reason why Jen came along. She’s the one who will help you get through this.” “I am thinking of leaving her.” Richard gave me a mad gaze. “What? Are you nuts?” It was still dark but I knew exactly the look on his face. “Hey, I need some space, all right? It’s not like Jen and I are going somewhere.” “You think? Shit, man! If you think you need some time off with her, just say so. I am sure she will understand.” “I stopped calling her.” “Dude! Come on, that’s fucked up. You can’t leave a girl hanging on the line like that. This shit is gonna come back on you.” “Yeah? How’s that?” “Until you are right to her, everything you even think about is gonna fail.” “I told her I have some projects to deal with and was not gonna be available for a while.” “And what’s this project again? Tell me, how long has it been since you told her all that bullshit?” !34

The Unseen Face “A week now.” “A week? Jesus! Did she try to contact you?” he asked. “Oh yeah, of course, you ignored her, right? Sent you a text—delete! Left you a voicemail—delete! You got mail—delete! You’re a smug, dumb ass. You’ve found yourself a great girl who loves you. Fuck, if I know why? She supports your work, puts up with your sorry ass, bullshit schedule, and you fuck her up like that?” “It’s not like I dumped her already.” I argued. “You owe Jen an explanation and an apology,” he said. “You know what? This Emilia issue is dragging you down, man, and you’re taking Jen along. This is exactly why I was asking you to see a shrink.” “Ah, here we go.” “You need some serious help from someone who is an expert on this sort of thing.” “And you think talking to a psychiatrist will put everything back on track?” “At least you will get a picture of what has caused this in the first place,” he said already rising. “I hate seeing you like this, and as a friend, I beg you, please see a shrink.” “I am on a tight budget now, in case you forgot. I can’t afford the counseling.” I said, searching for excuses.

Joannes Rhino He looked down at me. “Just so you know, my brother in law is a shrink. I can hook you up with him. Just sleep on it before you say no.” “I will think about it, okay?” “Okay, that’s a start. But promise me first thing in the morning, you call Jen and apologize, man.” “Oh no, man. Just —” Richard sprang up, dropped the cigarette, and stared at me with blazing eyes. “I’m just wasting my time here.” Then he walked away. “Rich. Rich,” I called, but Richard didn’t respond or look back.

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The Unseen Face

Chapter Four That night I went home after work. No late night chitchat with Richard. I have had enough of his lectures. I arrived at home early and relaxed on the couch for some time. As I peeked outside I saw no twinkle in the sky, but I did feel the cold of December. It was so dark. I barely saw anything. It felt like there was no life out there. Even the silence was different. I need to be drawn into the blackest of the quiet night, I thought starting to guess that the silence was probably what I needed the most. But I was tired—the day had been a rough one. It’s just that the night was still young, and I was not ready to face the terror of my dreams yet. Honestly, I was not grieving about the warning letter anymore. I didn’t even care if I got fired. What was really troubling me, was

Joannes Rhino what was happening inside my head. It felt like World War 3 had already begun, but I had no idea what started it. I drank until I blacked out. In my last bit of consciousness I saw an empty bottle of Scotch lying on the table. Whatever happened next, I don’t know. After sometime my cell phone rang, and it was drilling my eardrums. I rolled over feeling my stomach twisting and screaming. I fell onto the cold floor like a water balloon full of toxic liquid. “Yo, dude, you up?” Richard asked, his voice breaking through my skull like a bullet. “Whatever you want me to do, I am not up for it.” The blinding sun escaping through the curtains was irritating me. I want to sleep, Richard, I screamed in my head. “Drop by my place. Let’s just chill,” Richard coaxed. I slouched back to the couch. “What do you want, man? Can’t you just stop pulling my leg for a day? It’s my day off for Christ’s sake.” “Just get your ass here! Stat!” “Yeah.” I was not in the mood to argue. I hung up the phone while he was still mumbling. Fuck him. It’s my day off. Sleeping was the only thing on my schedule. It was three o’clock !38

The Unseen Face in the afternoon, but I was still dosing when my cell phone rang again. “Richar—” “Someone is busy,” a female voice said. She sounded like Jennifer, but my head was in a fog. I looked at the phone screen just to make sure. “Oh, hi, um…, how are you?” I stammered, panicking like she caught me in bed with another girl. “How are you? Really? That’s the best line you can come up with?” Jennifer asked. “Um, sorry. I just—” “Yeah, I know you got caught up with work, doing stuff, busting up. But, hey, I am still here, in case you didn’t notice.” I felt bad for her. I understood where her frustration was coming from. She didn’t understand why the cool and nice guy she met had just vanished without any reason. She didn’t know anything about the dreams which threatened to capsize my life entirely. “It’s not that I forgot you or something.” “You could have at least texted me. How hard could that be?” “Communication has always been the problem, right?” “Among other things.” “Like what?”

Joannes Rhino “Doesn’t matter. Lately, I feel like you seem so difficult to get along with. And it’s like you’re doing it on purpose. If you’re having a rough day, I understand that. But don’t pull away from me.” “I have been busy, Jen. I have some projects to take care of. I told you, didn’t I?” “You did. But you seem to just disappear, and it’s frustrating me—not knowing what the hell you’re doing out there.” “I am not cheating on you if that’s what you wanna know.” “You better not be.” “Even if I was messing with other girls, you would still be on my mind.” The few seconds of silence told me that that was a stupid joke. “I am kidding. Loosen up.” She snorted. “Bad timing.” “My bad.” “James, I really want us to be like a normal couple, and I need your help on this. Talk to me. I still have the right, don’t I?” “Listen, let’s not discuss this over the phone. I am free today. We can meet.” “I will be home around seven. You have a lot to tell.” “I will come.” I took a deep and long sigh. Great relief swept through me. As to why, I had no idea. !40

The Unseen Face But a few seconds later, guilt also struck me. I felt like I was cheating on her in an odd way. Richard was right. I should have come clean about my feelings for Emilia. Jennifer had the right to know. Soon after the call, I noticed two missed calls from Richard. It was obvious that there was something urgent that he needed from me, but I didn’t know what it was. After a little debate in my head, I decided to go to his house. It was 4 o’clock when I left, and the sky was extremely unfriendly. It looked dented, like a soft, gray sack waiting to be torn apart by an angry rain. The wind was blowing hard and rustling the leaves. Yes, the weather forecasters predicted rain, unusual for a New York December, but I decided to take the risk and go. Richard’s house was about twenty miles from where I lived. I had to pass three busy roads before I could drive into the shortcut to his house. Most people stayed inside, sheltered from the storm. I could not see a single soul and it was very quiet. It was only the hollow voices of doves, that screeched from the trees, that killed the silence. I suddenly turned my bike back to the main road. Enough of the bumpy road, I thought.

Joannes Rhino The wind picked up, stronger and colder, and the sky darkened quickly. Then the rain came. The drops were huge. They sounded like hail as they hit my helmet. I made a quick stop under the first tree I saw to put on my raincoat. I was angry for the rain. I was soaked through, down to my socks. But after sometime, I forgot about my discomfort and began to enjoy the rhythm of the storm. The soil smelled great. After thirty minutes, I arrived at Richard’s place. His house was small and designed in a minimalist, modern style. I noticed a red sedan parked outside the gate and wondered who might be visiting him. Richard was sitting on the porch smoking when I entered the gate. “I told you to come earlier.” He smiled when he saw that I was soaked. I left the gate half-open and hung the raincoat on the pillar. I could feel my whole body shivering. I imagined myself lying in a warm bathtub, but it didn’t work. The cold kept crawling all over my skin. “This better be good,” I said as I approached him. “It is,” Richard assured me. He walked into the house and came back with two cups of steaming coffee. Someone was tailing him from the living room. It was a man in !42

The Unseen Face his late forties wearing a sports jacket with the rolled sleeves. He had a scarf around his neck. His crew hair-cut and tall, burly posture made him look like a soldier. He grinned at me. “James, this is my brother-in-law I was talking about,” Richard said. The man looked at me very carefully, as if trying to find the missing part of my body. “Jonathan Glockman,” he said, stretching out his hand toward me. “James Maddox,” I responded. “You’re soaked. You need to change into something warmer,” Jonathan said politely. “Oh, no, no, I am good,” I lied. He sat down. “Just make yourself comfortable,” Richard said, placing the coffee on the table. “Listen guys. I’m gonna leave you two alone.” I frowned and stared at Richard. “What the… I just got here, and you’re leaving?” I asked in disbelief. “I have to pick up my wife,” Richard said.“It’s nearly five. You know the drill. Besides, I am sure you guys have a lot to talk about.” “Are you kidding me?” I demanded. “I am not,” Richard answered. He winked at me before leaving the porch. This was a set up, a brilliant one. I could kill Richard for that. Obviously, I had to find the

Joannes Rhino closest believable excuse and leave. Unfortunately, the rain got harder and harder. Thunder clapped and lightning struck almost every minute. “So, you’re Richard’s co-worker?” Jonathan began motioning me to sit down next to him. Aware that all words of a psychiatrist must be considered as an attack, that question felt like a launched missile. I answered him with a simple nod as I took off my jacket and sat down. I tried my best not to make eye contact or make suspicious movements. “You’re working in shifts, too, then?” Jonathan asked. “Last time I checked,” I responded. “You enjoy working flexible hours?” I shrugged. “Relative. Depends on the job.” “I am getting the impression that you don’t like working there.” “I didn’t say that.” “Well, you didn’t have to. Tell me, why are you staying there if you don’t like what you’re doing?” I sniffed. “Like I have another choice?” “Sure you have,” he said. “There are lots of jobs out there. All you have to do is simply pick one that suits you best.”

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The Unseen Face “I will keep that in mind. Thanks for the advice.” “What jobs are you really into?” I lit up a cigarette to build my confidence. “Any job, as long as it is stress-free.” He laughed. “Who doesn’t want that?” “There you go. Glad we have something in common.” “But still, we must step on solid ground. We both know that stress is everywhere and it happens all the time. It could be in the form of a family problem, financial issues, or any kind of personal discord. So it’s not work only that triggers stress.” I kept silent. He sipped his coffee. “Jobs are not the only factor in causing stress. Serious stress usually comes from personal issues. Do you agree with me on this?” “Totally.” “What about you then? Is it the job that makes you stressed, or mores personal things?” Jonathan continued. I flinched. “Do I look stressed to you?” I laughed to dilute things up. “I can’t tell. Even if I say you are, that could be my assessment, which is not always entirely true.”

Joannes Rhino Scary thunder rumbled. We both exchanged quick glances unsure whether we should move into the house. “I don’t have the right to make a verdict on someone’s mental state if that person insists on feeling the other way around. Don’t you think?” I shook my head and replied, “I honestly don’t know. Look, whatever Richard told you, I am perfectly fine. Okay?” “He didn’t tell me anything. In fact, I thought he was the one who needed counseling. He called me this morning, asking to have a nonformal consultation. Now here I am. Do you feel uncomfortable talking to me?” “Um, no offense, I just feel a bit weird sharing my personal stuff with someone I hardly know.” “Interesting. I am the other way round. I prefer to share my personal problems with strangers. And you know why? Because strangers can give me some input from a neutral point of view. See it this way, if you share with… let’s say close friends, they will give you full support, but they won’t give you objective advice. They would prefer not hurting you with the truth. That’s where the danger is. We need to get a proper judgment on any situation we’re facing.”

!46

The Unseen Face “Didn’t you say that the best judgment comes from inside the person, not others?” “I did say that, and it’s true. But sometimes strangers can help, because they speak their minds, not their hearts.” At that point it was clear to me why shrinks are so expensive. They have some sort of magical ability to make their words not only heard by people, but also obeyed. “Just some advice, try to open up to strangers,” he continued. “You’ll be surprised.” That was it. I felt hypnotized, and something inside me opened up after hearing those words. “You see, doc, um, is it okay if I call you doc?” I asked. “Sure.” “Okay. Doc, I have been feeling like something is wrong with me recently, but I am not quite sure what it is.” He moved the seat closer, and stared at me intently. “Can you be more specific? What do you mean by wrong?” I gazed at the dropping rain as if it was coming with the answer. “Um, it’s pretty much like missing or forgetting something, but you just don’t know what.” “How long have you been feeling like this?” I tried to flash back but was unable to recall. “It’s been a while.”

Joannes Rhino “Does this affect any part of your life? I mean what you do every day.” I remembered the warning letter I signed yesterday. “Yeah, sometimes, guess so. I mean when I am doing something, my mind feels to be somewhere else.” “Lost focus?” he asked. I nodded hesitantly. “Um, yeah, but again, sometimes. Not all the time.” There was a short pause. He seemed to be analyzing my answers. “Have you ever lost consciousness?” “Like fainting?” I asked. “More like blacked-out. Like you were suddenly in a place and you didn’t know how you got there. Like you totally forgot everything you did in the last few minutes or so.” “Like memory loss?” “You can say that, but it’s not simply amnesia. Let me put it this way. It’s like there is an empty gap in your memory that you can’t fill. But you know it’s there.” Exactly! I screamed in my head. This guy is good. I nodded. “How often do you feel this?” “Um, not sure.” “Sorry to ask this, but have you ever experienced anything bad during your !48

The Unseen Face childhood? Child abuse perhaps, or anything that could trigger excessive and continual stress?” I shook my head firmly. I had no trouble remembering that my childhood was fun. Like any other kid, I played a lot, was grounded for not doing homework or skipping classes, got into fights, and any other normal activities kids do. “I don’t know what you have in mind, doc, but whatever it is, it never happened to me.” “So, you agree if I draw a conclusion that the issue you’re facing now is not some kind of a childhood trauma?” “Absolutely. That has nothing to do with it,” I confirmed. “All right.” The doctor stroked his forehead. “Do you have trouble sleeping?” “Not at all. I sleep late, very late, but it’s okay. I sleep enough, I guess.” “Talking when you’re sleeping, or even sleep walking?” “I don’t know where this is leading to, but I don’t have such problems. At least no one ever complained about my sleeping habits.” “Do you hear voices in your head?” I giggled a bit. “You mean like my own voice, sub-conscience?”

Joannes Rhino “I mean like someone is talking from inside your head.” “Doc, I know I have issues, but I am not insane. At least not yet.” I laughed. He nodded and continued with the list of questions in his head. “Do you ever take any drugs?” “I did a lot of blow in high school. Do you think that could have…no, that wouldn’t have anything to do with it.” I shook my head. “What makes you so sure?” “Cause it was like ages ago. It was a high school thing. You know, just for fun. I mean who doesn’t, right?” “What made you quit, or who…?” “Myself.” I grinned. “Seriously?” “Um, well, actually my ex.” “Now that’s an honest answer.” “I am hundred percent clean.” “What about drinking habits?” He asked. “Do you have a problem with alcohol?” I remembered an empty bottle of Scotch lying on the table in my living room and answered, “I know my limit. Is this going somewhere?” “Are you rushing for something?” I checked my phone. I had to be at Jennifer’s around seven. It was almost six, and I had to make a move. However, I felt like I was chained !50

The Unseen Face to the chair. It was not because of the rain anymore, but because I was enjoying the conversation. “I just…actually, I am, but after this rain.” “Better so. Not safe to drive in this condition.” “Tell me about it.” “So where were we?” I shrugged. “Alcohol, I guess.” “Right. So, tell me, how would you describe a forest?” “Huh? How does alcohol have anything to do with a forest?” “It’s related.” “How so?” “You will find out. Forest?” he pressed. When I thought about a forest, images of a huge, dark, scary place flashed in my head. “Um, a forest is…I don’t know how to describe it,” I stammered. “It’s like… what it is.” “Which is?” he asked patiently. “Um,” I hesitated. “Okay, try to put it this way. Let’s say I am from outer space, and I don’t have a clue what kind of forest you have on earth. How would you explain it to me?” “Obviously, it’s a place with lots of trees and wild animals,” I began. “What else…? It’s dark and kinda scary if you’re alone. That’s pretty

Joannes Rhino much it. Do you get the picture now, creature from outer space, or you still need it to be more specific?” “If you still have something in mind, go ahead,” he said. “Nope. That’s about it.” He nodded analyzing my explanation. “And, if by chance you are alone in the forest you have just described, how would you feel?” “Afraid. I mean who wouldn’t?” “You tell me. You see, this is not a right or wrong question. No need to bother thinking about the right answer.” “I honestly would be depressed to stay there.” He nodded. “It’s a good thing that you are aware of that.” I frowned. “I don’t think I am following, doc. I can’t even see any connection between this forest thing and my mental state.” “You see, the forest is just a parable of your current state of mind,” he explained. “It explains the fear that haunts you, and how you keep running away from it. I can tell that you are unhappy with your life at this time.” Happy? I asked myself. I felt like I just heard a word without meaning.

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The Unseen Face Somehow, I had lost that word somewhere, long ago. There was no such vocabulary in my world at the time. “Happiness is a strong word, doc,” I answered staring blankly at the cup of tea. “It’s a simple word,” he pressed. I faced down having nothing to say. “Listen, James, whatever issue you’re having now. Whatever problem that makes you unhappy, running away is not, and will never be, the solution. You must fight it one way or another,” he advised. “I couldn’t agree more, but the thing is I don’t even know what I am dealing with. I don’t know why I feel this way and what the trigger is. So, what should I fight?” “All right, the first step is to find the source of the problem, because there must be something that triggers it.” I nodded as I lit up a cigarette. I had no comment. I was just going to leave it to the expert. “As far as you remember, what’s the saddest incident you’ve ever experienced?” My brain ran wild and locked in a period of five years ago when I lost my mother and Emilia. I thought, what could be worse than losing the people you love the most in the same year. “When my mom passed away, I guess.”

Joannes Rhino “Sorry to hear that. When was it?” “2004.” “And how are you holding up?” I sighed. “Time will eventually heal it, right?” “You mean you haven’t moved on?” “I have but it wasn’t easy. Doc, Mom was like the bridge for me to communicate with my father and my siblings. When she was gone, I felt like the entire family fell apart. Everything seemed different. I found it unbelievably hard to fit in.” “And you went all the way down until you got depressed. I know,” Dr. Glockman said understandingly. “I admit it was a tough year. Everything was so messed up. What made it worse was another huge loss in the same year. My ex also died.” I said taking a long sigh and trying to look strong. “She died due to an infection in her brain tissue.” “I don’t know what to say. I truly am sorry.” “Well, that’s life. Death is just part of the wheel, and we just have to accept that, don’t we?” I heard my voice trembling. “Was she the one who stopped you from taking drugs?” I nodded. “To be honest, doc, I was fucked up. I was really in too bad a shape to understand

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The Unseen Face why it happened. So I decided to rely on drugs and alcohol to help me cope.” “Did it help?” “Not even a bit. I mean, people always say it helps, that it can put away the pain for a while, but that’s bullshit. It got even worse. That was when I decided to stop.” “And how did you overcome the pain then?” My mind scanned through my life during the past five years, but there was nothing. I only saw myself with no emotion during that period. I was like a piece of meat, run by machines to keep alive. Everything seemed stagnant and hopeless. I was emotionless and soulless. “As I said, time will eventually heal everything,” I said, breaking the silence. He nodded. “The only thing that can really heal a broken heart is time, but have you reached this phase yet?” “Richard believes I am still drowning in the memories of her.” “You think?” I shrugged. “Have no idea.” “You know, some of my patients admit that they are sometimes caught up in denial when facing serious problems.” “I am not in denial, if that’s what you’re implying,” I protested. “I am fully aware of the

Joannes Rhino problem. I just can’t figure out why this has happened to me.” “Means that you’re still unable to accept the loss, the reality. But you keep yourself busy with activities as a diversion from the problems. That’s called denial.” “I am not,” I snapped. My fingers started tapping on the table. “I know I am still having a hard time dealing with this loss. But what else can I do besides leaving it this way? I know I will get through this someday, but just…not yet.” “And every single day you’re just going to keep saying that. You have to know that you will never get to that day if you don’t fight it now,” the doctor persisted. He looked at my hands. I stopped tapping. “But what should I fight against now?” I demanded. “Yourself. As the first step, you have to accept the laws of nature.” I rolled my eyes. “That death is a natural thing. I know.” “Good to know you’re already aware of that.” “Yeah, I get that a lot,” I responded sarcastically. “We live in this world based on definitive laws, and death is one of them,” he lectured. !56

The Unseen Face “There is no immortality for sure. You must accept that statement and understand that pain is just the process of a natural fact of life, one that we can never avoid.” “Easy to say,” I retorted. “This is why you must take control of your emotions. You can start by changing your perspective.” My brow wrinkled. “You mean?” “The ability to see an incident from different perspectives can be very beneficial,” he said. “Why so? Because when problems occur, our perspective on the subject can sometimes be cloudy. We focus only on the problems, which makes us emotionally unstable. This can lead to self-exclusion, which actually makes a problem seems worse. When things like this happen, my opinion is to start looking at the problem from a wider angle.” “Tell me then, how can I find any better perspective of my issues? From which angle should I look at this thing?” I asked, getting a bit confused. He smiled. “The way to alter this perspective is to realize that you’re not the only one who faces this sort of thing. You have to think that many other people are dealing with the same things, or even worse. It’s not easy, I understand. It’s hard to control the mind when trouble seems

Joannes Rhino so overwhelming, but I am sure, if you can make a comparison in seeing your pain with others, something good will happen inside you. If you keep looking closely at such problems, they are just going to get bigger,” he continued with a pragmatic attitude. “If you force yourself to focus on them, your emotion will take part and become uncontrolled. However, if you compare your problems with other bigger problems, they’re going to get smaller and disappear without you even realizing.” I cleared my throat and said, “Look at the bright side for every problem. Yeah, I get it, but what if I still can’t find the best perspective, even if I have tried and tried?” “Try harder,” the doctor urged. “Use the most effective way, but be reasonable.” I put out the cigarette in the ashtray. “And what if it still doesn’t work?” He shrugged. “You can always erase it. Just simply delete all the bad memories out of your head, like what you did.” “Huh?” “Makes sense, doesn’t it?” “What do you mean? I didn’t erase any of my memories. I still remember everything,” I protested again. “You should know that sometimes the mind can play tricks on you. There’s always a !58

The Unseen Face possibility that the mind behaves as your emotions tell you. It persuades you to believe that whatever memory you have now is real.” “Hold on a sec, doc. You’re telling me I am making this up?” “There is one fast way to find out. Hypnotic therapy. Your subconscious will respond to the actual memory.” “But you also have to be fair about this. I mean we both know it’s possible that you can put anything you want inside my head when I am under hypnosis,” I argued. “That’s true. Such malpractice really happens,” he conceded. “That’s why hypnotic therapy is a choice, and I will never run this kind of therapy without agreement from both parties. It’s your call now. No need to make a rushed decision about this.” “I think I’m gonna pass.” I felt that my shirt was getting dry, and it was producing an awful smell. I pulled my phone out and checked the time. Quarter past seven. Damn! “Doc, I gotta go now.” I said. “Don’t you want to wait for Richard?” he asked. “Don’t think so.” I got up. “Thanks for the chat, doc.”

Joannes Rhino “Anytime, and if you ever feel like continuing this conversation, let’s say in a formal session…” “I will tell Richard,” I interrupted. There won’t be a next session, I said to myself. “Please do that,” he said. I grabbed my raincoat and jumped onto my bike and drove off.

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Chapter Five It took me almost an hour to arrive at Casablanca Apartments. The rain continued to make my life more difficult. I even feared that the rain was some kind of a premonition. I parked my bike in the basement, while thinking of the best excuse I could come up with. I noticed that Jennifer had called several times on my way over. She also sent me a message saying, ‘?’. In the elevator, an old woman kept staring at me. She was about to say something when the door opened on the fifth floor. Jennifer stayed at 52B. I tried to manage my emotions and prepared for the worst before entering the war zone. “Hey, sorry, I’m late,” I greeted her as I stepped in.

Joannes Rhino Jennifer threw her phone onto the couch and stepped closer. “I thought you were gonna bailout and come up with excuses.” Great relief swept through me. I felt my lungs relaxing. “Do you want me to?” I asked meekly. “Doesn’t matter. Just go clean up,” she said. I went to bathroom. The cold had been part of me for too long. I could not believe my hot tub dream had finally come. I poured half a bottle of organic bath oil in the running water. The bathroom quickly transformed into a spice garden or something. When I looked at the bottle, I realized that I was about to dive into pine, cardamom and ginger. I groaned in relief as I let the water caress every part of me. I was completely immersed in the bath. If Jen came in, she would see only my nose, like a crocodile laying-in-wait. I remained still, letting the warmth seep into my skin. This was not just about bathing—it was about revenging the rain. It felt like eating a great meal after starving for days and days. “Wear this,” Jennifer said, leaving some dry clothes on the toilet seat. “Thanks,” I said. I stepped out of the tub and got dressed. She was smoking on the balcony when I came out of the bathroom. I thought she had quit smoking months ago. !62

The Unseen Face “Hey, you’re smoking,” I remarked, as I stood in the doorway of the balcony. She gave me a quick glance before tuning back to the never-ending rain. She was wearing a tight shirt with tight yoga pants. As I came closer, I could not miss the smoothness of her skin. She was smoking hot, indeed. “So?” she asked, staring at me. “I thought you quit,” I said. Jennifer snorted. “Like you even care.” “What’s with the attitude?” “Why? Does it piss you off?” I shrugged. “I guess.” “Then, yeah, I think I will keep this going.” “Look, I am sorry. I know that—” “What is it that you are sorry about?” she interrupted. “Is it about a week going by without even saying hi, or about you being so late because you had to ‘see someone?’” I sighed. “I stopped over to Richard’s house, and it’s raining, for Christ sake,” I said, drawing closer to her. She smoked with her typical don’t touch me, high-class attitude. One arm held lightly around her waist and the other arm across her chest, with a cigarette clamped between her fingers. Under the dim light, the tip of her cigarette was glowing red.

Joannes Rhino “James, I don’t know what to say,” she said slowly. “You always do this, and I am sick of your excuses.” “Feel free to ask Richard if you don’t trust me.” “He’s your friend. Of course, he’s gonna stand on your side.” “Ok, fine. I deserve this, but look, I am here now and I miss you.” “Is that before or after I called you?” “I wish you didn’t see it like that. I mean, I didn’t try to ignore you or anything.” “Oh yeah? Then why did you do it? Don’t give me the projects crap. I just don’t buy it.” “I know how this looks to you.” “Oh yeah? How?” She stared at me piercingly. “I feel like you are creating some distance, I don’t know. Now, you are here, but I don’t feel you, it’s like you are not here, James.” She paused. “You are somewhere else. So, tell me, is it me? What have I done to deserve any of this? Just tell me. I need to know how to deal with it.” “Listen, Jen, this has nothing to do with you.” “The fact that you just disappeared for a week has everything to do with me!” She yelled. “How can you possibly say it doesn’t?” “I am truly sorry.”

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The Unseen Face “You know why I run away from shit all the time? Cause I don’t trust anyone. If I am going to stay, if you want me to stick around, I need to know the truth. Not just what you think I can handle. I need all of it. It’s the only way I will know if I can do this.” I tried to make eye contact. But Jennifer put out her cigarette with rain drops and stepped inside to the kitchen. I followed her to the living room. A few minutes later, she sat beside me, holding a hot cup of tea. I studied her body like it was a specimen in a biology lab. It had been a while since I could look at her and really see her. I almost forgot how beautiful she was. Her smooth, light brown skin wrapped up that perfect body. Her exotic, dark brown hair framed that tiny, cute face. Her bright, blue eyes and erotic lips could be mistaken for a red budding rose by a swarm of bees. Born in Hamburg twenty years ago, Jennifer Ashlee Smitz had decided to continue her studies in the US. Her father was German, while her mother was a former Thai model, which explained her exotic look. Our relationship began in cyberspace. Richard forced me to register at bestdating.com, and I stumbled onto her profile. To make a long story short, we met and went on a date. A one

Joannes Rhino nightstand led to a no-strings-attached, open relationship, and now here we are. I was still unsure what to call our relationship. She actually could be the best antidote to my previous loss. Instead, I kind of used her as a rebound. Mean and selfish, indeed. Jennifer sat with both legs bent underneath her and intended to keep a distance from me. “So? Explain,” she said, staring at me intently. “Oh, um…” I stammered. I had lost focus completely. Her body was the problem. She clasped her hands and gave me a look. “Wow.” I shook my head, trying to focus. “Um, things happened at work.” “And?” Jennifer asked. She put the teacup on the table and brushed back her hair before leaning on the couch. The visibility of veins on her neck and the strands of her hair crushing over her shoulders eroded the little focus I had gained. Instead, my blood became warmer. “I, um, I got a warning letter,” I managed. “What did you do?” she asked, sitting upright again. I looked at her. At her boobs to be precise. My eyes spiraled out of control and went north, east, west and then south. My blood was even warmer. I fought by staring at the TV.

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The Unseen Face “I mis-processed some transactions and the company had to foot the bill,” I explained. “That’s shitty,” she said. “Yeah.” She slowly moved towards me. “Are you okay?” I shrugged. “I will survive.” “I am so sorry to hear that. Is there anything I can do?” I raised my left arm and beckoned for her to lie down on my chest. “I just… I am still angry with my boss. I mean this isn’t fair to me,” I said. “Two lousy mistakes and I am entitled to a warning letter? That is sick! Doesn’t she even notice I have been busting my ass day in and day out, year after year?” I paused. “It feels like she wants me to play the good boy so that she can pretend I give no contribution to the company, whatsoever.” “I know how you feel,” Jennifer comforted. “And, tomorrow, if she’s in a bad mood, she’s still gonna crucify me for being too reckless,” I continued. “The part that sucks is, if she’s in a good mood, she’s gonna find any way to mess with me, and laugh until she pisses her pants, and I will look like the biggest pussy for not speaking up.” “If you feel the need to speak up, do so.”

Joannes Rhino “Ah, it’s useless arguing with her. I think I am just gonna take the fact that my glory days in that place are now behind me. Just like Neil Armstrong, I went to the moon and came back, but nobody gave a shit the years after.” “Which leaves you two options, find another decent job, or try to make peace with the situation you’re facing. Really simple you know,” she said. “Yeah, that’s my story.” “Sorry for having doubts about you, James.” “It’s no one’s fault. We’re just being human.” She leaned on my left shoulder while her hands held my waist tightly. Her heart beat steadily. Mine. Mine was very wild. It was twice as fast as hers. Great relief washed through me. But I feared giving her too much hope. Not-meant-to-be love was the basis of our relationship. So, however happy we could ever be, we were a problem waiting to surface. “Anyway, how was your day? Uh, I mean, your week?” I smiled. “It has been okay. Nothing big. But there’s just one thing,” she said. “I mean, I don’t know if this means anything, but I had the weirdest dream last night. I was driving, and I knew I had a passenger, but I just can’t remember who. It !68

The Unseen Face was a highway, and there were no other cars. Whatever, it was a dream. All of a sudden, I saw you on the street. You were just standing in the middle of the highway like you were ready to get hit. So, I stopped and I started shouting. I got out, and I tried to get you out of the way, but you kept pointing to something in the bushes. I let go, and I went to check it out, but when I turned back, boom, you were gone. Then I woke up and called you.” “It’s just a dream. I am not leaving if that’s what you’re afraid of.” “Hope so.” I leaned back comfortably, enjoying the vast stretches of silence in the room, and stared towards the balcony. The incandescent lamp outside illuminated raindrop cast silhouettes in the glass window. Lightning flashed occasionally and left white shadows in the window like a ghost. The muteness of angry nature outside created an intimate atmosphere on the couch. I imagined logs burning in the fireplace beside the television and candles spread around the room. My mind could even hear classic, romantic music played on a British gramophone record. “You hungry? Wanna order…” I asked. “No, I am okay, thank you,” she said softly. “I am starving. I could eat a friggin horse. I think I’m gonna order a pepperoni and cheese

Joannes Rhino pizza with extra sausage. You sure you don’t want anything?” Jennifer moved slightly on my chest and looked at me closely. “James.” “Yeah?” I responded tenderly. She looked into my eyes, making sure I read the seriousness in hers. “Please, promise you will be careful with my heart.” I looked at her and almost felt tears well up in my eyes. I could not believe she had just asked that. But more importantly, I could not believe me. How did I ever think of leaving her? Such a beautiful, caring, and loving person. What more do I want? How could I lose what I have because of what I have already lost? Here I was choosing to be deeply in love with memories, instead of the gorgeous tower of hope on my lap? Stupid me! Yes, Emilia was my everything. My everything. But she was gone. It’s just that when I tried to kill her memories, the more I loved her. The more I saw myself with her enjoying life. But these memories were also the core of my suffering. The more I embraced them, the more I suffered.

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Chapter Six Naked and lifeless, her body lay on the table. Her eyes were closed, and her face was pale. I wished she had just fallen asleep. Someone in a long white robe approached the body. He had a scalpel and a metal clamp in his hands. What is he gonna to do to her? I wondered. No matter how I desired, I could not see his face. I failed to move. Seconds later, blood was everywhere. It was all over the table and dripped onto the floor. The warm and copious smell of blood filled the entire room. I wished I had no eyes to see, or nose to take in that smell. The man bent and took a sheet from under the table. The girlâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s stomach was torn apart. It seemed like her internal organs had been removed. I saw only a pool of red in the hollowed corpse. In a normal situation, I would throw up and collapse after witnessing such

Joannes Rhino horror, but I could not feel anything in the dream. The man covered the body with a sheet, leaving only a few strands of hair exposed on the table. The executioner stepped back slightly, looking at his work, and embraced the satisfaction of having accomplished such great work. He turned around to show me his masterpiece. My eyes widened. By all means possible, I wanted to see his face, but I failed. I only saw the left side of it. Instead, the dream abruptly ended as I felt my body fly in the air and smash on the floor. My heart was pounding against my chest. It was hard to breathe. “Jesus.” I hoped Jennifer was still sleeping as I crawled back into bed, but I could not sleep. It was hard to take this thing for granted anymore. It was not my first time experiencing such a dream, but that one tore me up. On a scale of one to ten, that was equivalent to a meteor hit. I gazed at the ceiling as my mind flew back to the nightmare. The clock beside my bed pointed at four in the morning. Later, I slid off the bed. I was tired of tossing and turning and thinking endlessly. I went to take a shower hoping I would calm down.

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The Unseen Face “Going somewhere?” Jennifer asked, looking very sleepy. “Nowhere. Go back to sleep,” I replied. I took a quick shower hoping I would find Jennifer asleep. I didn’t feel like talking, so it killed me to see her sitting on bed when I came out of the bathroom. But after a few seconds, I wasn’t sure if I really minded. She seemed to have a look on her face, as if to provoke me into banging her terribly. The pose of her body screamed, ‘consume me now, baby.’ However, I broke my trance by looking away. Thoughts about the dream flooded my mind again, sending my sex drive out the window. “Did I wake you?” I asked, taking off the bathrobe to put on my clothes. “You leaving?” Jennifer asked. I sensed great disappointment in her voice. “It’s nearly five. You need to prepare yourself, don’t you?” I stepped closer to the window and opened the curtain. It was still dark outside. “Really, James? You’re leaving because you think I need to dress up early? Do you even realize how silly that is? You know damn well I always go to work at eight, and it’s not even five now. I still have hours to prepare, but look, if you want to leave, just leave. I won’t stop you,” she said.

Joannes Rhino “Did I say anything about leaving?” I asked. I climbed back to bed and laid down. I closed my eyes and faked sleeping, but the picture and smell of Emilia’s blood kept bugging me. “Are you okay, James?” Jennifer asked. She had noticed my anxiety. I stared at her. “Go back to sleep, Jen.” “Am I making you uncomfortable? Is that it?” “What is wrong with you?” “What is wrong with me? Shouldn’t I be the one asking you that question?” “I am just trying to get back to sleep, for God’s sake.” “There’s something you’re not telling me. What is it?” Jennifer asked. “Drop it, Jen. Just drop it,” I pleaded. “See? You’re still doing this. You’re blocking me out.” “I just had a nightmare, okay!” I snapped as I got out of bed. “What’s with the tone?” “Well, you started.” I retorted. “Oh, so this is my fault now? I am not in a position to ask you this sort of thing? Am I a stranger to you that you don’t even want to consider sharing this with me?”

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The Unseen Face I stepped over to the window. “Listen, Jen, it’s not you, okay? I just… I am still a bit upset about the dream, that’s all.” “I don’t get it, James. Why is it so hard for you to open up?” “I will tell you. I just don’t feel like talking about it now.” “And when is that gonna be? A week from now? A month?” “Just not now, okay? The day hasn’t even started.” “Does it matter?” I shook my head and began to feel a little headache. “Now is not the perfect time. Please understand,” I begged. She snorted. “God only knows when is gonna be perfect for you.” “Look, I am so dizzy right now. Can we just drop it?” I stared out of the window. It was pretty messy out there. The storm had destroyed signboards and trash was all over the street, not to mention the flood that had spread on most of the main roads. I didn’t dare think of how bad the traffic would be within the next few hours. People were doing their normal, morning activities as if nothing had happened. I saw a woman jogging past two men, one of them made

Joannes Rhino a catcall. The woman turned to flick them off and continued running. There was also a man walking drunkenly, with a bottle in his hand. He was yelling at the sky and searching for any bright light from behind those dark clouds. Perhaps the only thing that looked bright in his eyes was coming from Jen’s room. At that point, I imagined that the room looked like a flying saucer floating above a dead town. “That guy!” I glanced at Jennifer’s reflection. “That drunk…” “What?” “On the side, his face looks exactly like the doctor in my dream.” “What doctor?” “In my dream…there was this doctor,” I said, unable to say anything more. “And you think that guy was the same as in your dream?” “100%” “Well, it’s not like you can just run down and question him, he’s a damn drunk.” She drew closer to the window. “No. There’s no point going to him, he looks homeless, and definitely not a doctor type. I think it was just a coincidence they look the same.”

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The Unseen Face Silence took over for a few minutes as we stared at the guy singing his lungs out, staggering on the street. “Tell me, James, who am I to you? Am I just like any other girl you have met, slept with, and left once you got bored with them? Am I nothing more than convenient sex?” “God! How can you say that?” She stared at me with eyes of a cobra. “So please, tell me what happened to you. I don’t want whatever it is to ruin us.” There was something about Jennifer’s personality that sometimes messed with my mind. She could be a super sensitive, yet aggressive and possessive at the same time. She also had this ability to make me feel guilty for my own thoughts. I knew that she had every right to know what kind of terror I had faced over the past few days. I just could not spill out everything at the time. “It’s terrible out there, floods everywhere. You don’t want to be stuck in traffic,” I said. “Don’t change the subject,” Jennifer snapped. “Jesus, Jen! It’s just a fucking nightmare, okay?” “Hey! Don’t say that to me.” She cried. I sighed. “It’s just a nightmare and I don’t feel like talking about it now.” I paused. “When I say not now, I mean not now.”

Joannes Rhino “I don’t know, James,” she said slowly. “I am really trying to get into you. Not just the perception of you, but the real you. I hope you can fix this, and let me in.” She got up and stormed out of the bedroom. She went to the bathroom. After bathing, she prepared for work in an instant. She even skipped doing her make-up. There was heavy tension since she wasn’t talking anymore. However, deep inside I wanted to hold her tightly, kiss her deeply, and tell her that everything was going to be just fine. *** Jennifer was extremely upset when she left me in the basement of the parking structure. Besides that she wasn’t talking anymore, she was also aggressive in every possible way. For example, she didn’t close her car, but she slammed the door before flattening the accelerator. Confused, I also drove home. Before entering my house, at nine o’clock, I looked at the black clouds and knew that a storm might be my next problem that day. I took a long, deep breath and greeted the emptiness of my house. Being alone troubled me, because I knew I would be viciously attacked by my thoughts. !78

The Unseen Face And it didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t take me even a minute to confirm that my fears were on point. As soon as I sat on the couch, the horrible nightmare came back. I saw everything again. The horror. The hollowness. The screams. It was as if I was dreaming again. I punched the couch several times. I hated being powerless over my own thoughts. They behaved like they owed my head. They invaded me. I was afraid. Very afraid. I just could not admit it, but I was. I feared almost every simple thing. I feared being alone. I feared sleeping. I felt like a cursed man, cursed to dream to his death. Or to think to death. I felt like I was being beaten up with my hands tied. And I thirsted for eternal freedom. Even though I was dying to find the truth behind this, I was also afraid to know it. Messed up me, I thought. What was the point of all this? Had I doubted the authenticity of what the dream wanted to tell me? But nothing made sense in the dream. I left home at three, and it was raining again. So I put some spare clothes in my backpack just in case. I arrived at the office half an hour earlier and decided to have a quick smoke in the food court. I really needed to think. So many things had happened in just a week. I wondered if I was the root of my own

Joannes Rhino suffering. But the dream kept swerving me to think about it only. Not me. Not Jen. Not even God. I started to wonder if the people I saw in the dream were my internal demons. Demons who had power to attack and abuse me for failing to cut the umbilical cord of love for my Emilia. Or, perhaps, out of melancholic truth, the demons were trying to help me wake up by killing the memories of her. “There you are,” Richard greeted me from behind. “Back stabber,” I said sarcastically. He smiled, approaching me. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” “Playing innocent. I’m stuck with a shrink.” “Oh, that. I didn’t know you were talking about that,” Richard replied, feigning ignorance. “Sarcasm is not helping,” I snarled. He laughed. He sat, facing me across the table. “So, how was it?” “How was it? I’ll tell you how it was. Now, I’m officially insane. Thanks to you.” “Anytime, man. Anytime.” “You’re a douche.” “I’ll take that as a compliment.” “Crazy,” I muttered.

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The Unseen Face He lit up a cigarette and got distracted when a waitress set the plates down on the table next to us. He stared hungrily at her with a wide, creepy smile. My attention was on the pancakes that she served, stacked with strawberries on top and whip cream in the shape of a smile. I glared at Richard. “Dude, really?” “Can’t help it, man. So, what did he say?” “He claimed that I might have some sort of mind disorder.” He looked at me and smiled. “He was right, you do.” “He even asked me to describe a forest. I mean, how stupid is that?” “That’s what they do. They use confusing lines to analyze a problem.” “Even when it’s not related to the subject? Come on,” I grumbled. “Give him some slack, man. The guy knows what he’s doing.” “And, what did you tell him exactly?” “Nothing. I just asked him to stop over, and that’s it.” “You’re full of shit, you know that?” I growled. He laughed. “So, when is the next session?” “Who said there’s gonna be another session?” “I say so. You need this, man.”

Joannes Rhino “I’ll tell you what I need, a hot coffee with two sugars, stat.” “Right away, sir.” He waved to the cute waitress. “What are you doing? I was kidding.” “I’m looking out for you, man. It’s my treat.” He winked. I snorted. “Yeah, right.” She stood next to me and asked, “Can I help you with something?” “Yes, you can help me for sure,” Richard said, winking at me again. “I need two hot cups of coffee, please.” “No, no, just him. I’m good,” I said to the waitress. “Okay, one hot coffee. Anything else?” She wanted to note the order, but changed her mind. Richard threw a creepy smile at her. “That’s all. I’ve got a feeling this is gonna be the best coffee ever.” He grinned as she glared at him and walked off. “Man, she’s hot…I’d love to stick m—” “Dude, really?” I gave him an incredulous look. “What? You telling me you wouldn’t?” “Whatever.” “You surely have some issues, man. Tell me again, when’s the next session?” I sniffed. “There won’t be one.” !82

The Unseen Face He pulled out his phone and started texting. “You’re unbelievably stubborn. Did anyone ever tell you that? Now, here’s the deal. I’ll arrange for your next session. How’s tomorrow? Say after lunch?” I chuckled. “Wh…what? No! Hell no! I’m not even sure I’m free tomorrow.” “Too late. I’ve just texted Jonathan that you’ll be coming tomorrow at one.” “Ah, damn you.” “I’ll text you the directions when I get home.” “So, have you finished your shift?” “Yup, six to three for the next couple of days.” I looked at the rain. It was gaining strength. I barely saw anything across the street. With the wind, the rain looked like an angry sea of white waves. “How’s The Queen Bee’s mood today?” “Big case going on, and she’s really pissed off with everyone. You really don’t wanna mess with her now.” “Ever.” “Anyway, why did you leave so early?” “I had to meet up with Jen.” “And?” “And what? We had a fight.” “See? This is going deep, man.”

Joannes Rhino “I know.” “Don’t tell me you didn’t apologize for not calling her.” “I did. I came up with something.” “Which was?” “Not important. But you see, the thing is… there’s another thing,” I hesitated. “What do you mean? Besides the Emilia issue?” I sighed. “Long story. Can’t tell you now. I gotta bounce.” “Yeah, go ahead and run like you always do,” he mocked. “I don’t wanna mess with The Queen Bee, do I?” I reminded. “You better prepare your story, and it better be good.” “It’s a good one. I can assure you of that. We’ll talk later.” I threw a cigarette into a puddle near me. “Don’t forget your appointment tomorrow.” “Yeah, right,” I snapped, preparing to leave. When I stood up, I accidentally banged my knee against the table and stumbled onto the waitress. She made a surprised sound. I apologized and walked off, leaving her with Richard.

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Chapter Seven I looked anxiously at Richardâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s text over and over again. I knew precisely where the place was, about ten minutes from my office. But this was nothing like attending a job interview. What is happening to me? My mind kept repeating the same question, over and over again. On the glass table in front of me I saw my reflection, and started to picture myself with a second personality in another human form. I didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t want to appear like Jekyll and Hyde, but I was starting to feel that way. A part of me wanted to be rude to the people who were always giving me a hard time. Queen Bee, for instance. I thought it was quite reasonable if I wanted that demon to be inside of me, too. Shall I worship those demons, then? What for? To bring some wild laughter in the throat of

Joannes Rhino death? My painful soul can’t be cured by their acts, and my memories of joy surely can’t move a soul in agony. Be still, my heart, with all the written troubles of my mind. Be still. Probably, I’m crazy. I sighed and felt sorry for myself. Last night my dream appeared like a cheap, science fiction movie. The scene was in a foreign place, somewhere in Africa, after rebels took control of the government. There were two armored vehicles parked outside a vast building and scores of men with machine guns were patrolling in the area. There was a long line of people waiting at the entrance of a vault building. They were being searched and x-rayed before stepping into the building. They looked hopeless. I guessed they were aware that they would be dead in minutes. This is going to be the next Holocaust, I thought. However, even when I knew that the line was heading straight to hell, I slowly shuffled and jumped into the queue. An officer ordered me to get inside, but I didn’t see anyone else the building. I wondered where those people disappeared to, just as the room came into focus. This dream was no different from the nightmare I had faced the nights before. I stood firmly in the corner of the room, glaring at Emilia’s lifeless body, as a knife tore through her flesh. Worse, I !86

The Unseen Face could not shut my eyes, still unable to see the executioner’s face. I woke up after hearing a loud motorbike. A headache greeted me. I jumped off the bed and searched for aspirin. My body was off balance, wriggling like flames dancing in the candlelight. I took two pills at once and threw myself onto the couch. Later, I woke up face down on the smelly, dusty couch. The brightness and warmth of the sun had invaded my house. My neck was stiff, but I thanked God the headache had left me. It was twelve noon, a slight problem because I had an appointment at one. I flew into motion. I made a quick lunch, shit showered and shaved —and in no time—I was standing in front of the closet, deciding what to wear. I needed to make a good impression. I didn’t want Dr. Glockman judging me by my outfit. I wore a crimson shirt with black slacks. I thought the splash of color might make me appear happier than I felt. Located on East Lee Street in uptown New York, Duplex Plaza was deemed a historical sight as one of the oldest buildings in the city. Dr. Jonathan Glockman’s office was on the tenth floor. Like in the movies, the office had a lie-down chair at the back wall. Two sets of antique chairs were placed side by side behind a working desk

Joannes Rhino near the entrance. There was also a couch and a square table in the middle of the room. It had never crossed my mind that I would seek services of a shrink. But there I was, sitting in a boring room, with books all over the place. A window as big as my body was planted in one of the walls and it was the only attraction of the room. I saw the waves of dark clouds outside. On the working desk, there were piles of thin and fat books, papers, old stationary, a shiny-gold book handler, and an hourglass. On the wall behind the desk, a spacious place displayed some memorabilia. Chatter awards, honorary titles, and some photographs of Dr. Glockman with important people. “The wall of ego,” he said. I didn’t notice how long he had been staring at me in the doorway. “We all have it. See it like an aquarium at the dentist’s office, or holiday pictures on your Facebook. Something for showing off.” I tried to remain calm on the couch while he was preparing some paperwork. Nevertheless, my knees could not stop trembling, and my hands kept on squeezing each other. I felt a tug of nervousness. I hoped my efforts to hide it worked. “Hey, relax. It’s not like we’re going to have a serious discussion. We’re just going to talk,” he said, trying to calm me down. !88

The Unseen Face “Yeah, I know. It’s just… well I’m still new at this thing, and it kinda feels like I’m dealing with some serious shit,” I answered. “You know, just because you are here doesn’t mean people think you’re crazy or anything. It’s always good to have someone to talk to.” “I know.” “In case you forgot, we talked a lot the other night, and this is no different.” I looked out through the window. The entire sky seemed completely dark now. My fingers started to tap on my lap. “Can we just start, doc?” Dr. Glockman noticed my anxiety. He walked to the hourglass and got it set before he dragged a chair to sit in front of me. A pen was ready to use in his grip, and he placed sheets of paper on his lap. He was perfectly ready to begin the session. “Should I just..., do you want me to start talking now?” I asked. “That’s the reason you’re here. Unless you have something you want to ask,” he replied. I shrugged. “I’m not quite sure how to start.” “You have to relax first. You have to feel comfortable. Tell me, are you comfortable on that couch? Do you want to lie down there?” His eyes led me to the specific chair.

Joannes Rhino “No, I’m good here.” My knees started to tremble. “All right, whatever suits you. So, have you considered doing hypnosis as an alternative treatment?” “Is that really necessary, doc?” “Believe it or not, that’s the fastest and the most effective way. But again, there’s no pressure.” “Um…, yeah, about that, I’m gonna pass.” “That’s okay. So, what do you want to talk about?” “Huh? Aren’t you supposed to be the one with the questions?” “It’s easier to start from you. Just start with what you have in mind right now.” That felt like he said I should count the stars on the sky. There were so many things to discuss, and I didn’t know where to begin. Should I start by describing my family background, daily activities, or problems at work? But a part of me felt we just skip all the nonsense and go straight to the real thing. He killed the silence by saying, “Tell me what’s in your head at this very moment.” The corpse of someone that I used to love lies in the surgery room covered with so much blood. That was the only thing that stuck in my

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The Unseen Face head. It kept following me like a ghost in the night. I dared to speak, “Um, from your standpoint as a psychologist, what do you think about dreams?” He played with the pen in his fingers and then tapped it on his chin. “What do I think about dreams? Hmm, there are many explanations about dreams,” he said. “Almost in every book I’ve read, dreams have always been associated with feelings or emotions, which I personally agree with. In my opinion, dreams are a connection to the human subconscious, successions of images, ideas, emotions, and sensations that occur involuntarily in the mind during certain stages of sleep.” “You mean like a tool to explore our feelings?” “A tool… that’s a good word. Dreams are a sort of a tool to find our honest feelings… our unseen emotions. They are the manifestations of our deepest desires and anxieties. Dreams manifest repressed memories, wishes, and obsessions. They serve to compensate for parts of the psyche that are underdeveloped in the awake life.” “Does every dream have its own trigger in appearance during sleep?”

Joannes Rhino He nodded. “Obviously. Whatever appears in the dream is what we actually feel about something in the past, present, or future. It could be some forgotten events, the deepest desire of things, unseen fears, or any other thing that we couldn’t realize consciously.” “Means that every dream has its own meaning?” “In my personal opinion, I would say yes. Even the surreal and bizarre dream still has some meaning for the dreamer. When a dream doesn’t seem to make sense, all you need to do is take a look at the objects or figures in the dream really closely to understand the true meaning of it.” “Simply look at it closely? Hmm, that simple?” I asked. “Don’t jump straight to the conclusion that you see real things every day,” he said. “Each dream has a unique and specific explanation. Let’s say you dream of flying. It definitely doesn’t mean you want to fly, or ever wanted to. It means that your life is in your hands. You have full control of life. On the other hand, if you see an accident in your dream, it could be a warning that you’re losing a grip on life or are about to, or perhaps it has already happened.” He looks at my eyes weighing the effect of his knowledge. !92

The Unseen Face “A psychiatrist from Tufts University, Ernest Hartmann, who did research about 9/11, said that so many people had unique dreams leading up to the tragedy. They dreamed of wild animals, being trapped in a small box, a robbery, —many different things that expressed their fears—but none of the dreams mentioned the twin tower collapse specifically.” I wrinkled my nose as he continued. “My point is, sometimes what we see in the dream is often absurd and unrealistic, and the images or pictures may seem without meaning. Therefore, we must use intelligence to understand it.” “Intelligence? Seems complicated,” I said. “Well, it is, but you can always find an expert to help you with the subject,” he assured me. “Like you,” I said, smiling. He shrugged. “Or any other psychiatrist that you’re comfortable talking with.” Both my knees had stopped trembling a while ago, and my hands were calm on my lap. I was feeling a more relaxed. He wrote something down on a paper. Whatever he was writing, I hoped it was nothing to be afraid of. “So tell me, what’s the dream like?” he asked, ending the silent pause. I started tapping again.

Joannes Rhino He looked at my hands. I stopped. “Oh, um, it’s just a dream. Means nothing, I guess.” “Anyone who believes dreams mean nothing is in denial. No offense.” “None taken.” “They refuse to see what is really going on in their lives. Just so you know, dreams are part of a healthy, emotional process, and ignoring this will not make you feel any better.” “Healthy, emotional process? How can emotion be healthy if it’s a nightmare?” I asked. “Was it a nightmare?” I nodded hesitantly. He wrote something down. “You must know that even a bad dream can be very informative and useful.” “How so?” “The figures or events in a bad dream may represent the dreamer’s attitudes that are repressed by the conscious mind,” he explained. “Those who had a traumatic experience normally have this kind of dream, and most of the time, these fears rise to the surface silently. Let’s say you dream of being chased by a serial killer, monster, ghost, or any scary creature. You’d probably keep on running or hiding, which is a bad move. Just stand still and face the terror that haunts you in the dream. You may !94

The Unseen Face find that the figure could be part of the emotions that you’re avoiding in the awake life, or perhaps the scary figure aims to connect people, places, and patterns that are part of your past.” He put the pen on his lap. “My point is that dreams make you more aware of your current situation, because interpreting dreams involves knowing a great deal about the individual dreamer. In other cases, when subconscious, our brains potentially send signals that can be a clue to heal the emotional pain, stress, and trauma.” Once again I was silent, thinking that the risk of sharing this sort of issue with an expert, is that it could magically be twisted into a million different confessions or explanations. “So, what did you experience in the dream?” He looked me right in the eyes. “Um,” I hesitated. I got really nervous. I looked around, trying to locate an ashtray. I had to smoke at that time. Of course, he noticed me acting restless. And again, my reaction led him to his heroic action. He took out an ashtray from a desk drawer and sat back on his seat. “This is actually a non-smoking room, but I can make an exception for you,” he explained. “Thanks, doc. It’s a habit. What can I say?” “Let’s get back to the dream.”

Joannes Rhino I let myself feel the excitement of smoking for quite some time. After about a minute, I resumed talking. I narrated the dream and what I felt in the dream. “And the same dream has kept repeating itself over the last few days. The same dream, every friggin night,” I said, hammering my lap with my right fist and shaking my head. “I know you’re gonna assume Emilia, my ex, is the trigger of all this, but I’m telling you, doc, it’s not.” He stopped writing. “And what makes you so sure? We both know you haven’t moved on, or gotten over her.” “I’m know, but it’s just...I mean, um, it doesn’t make sense. After all these years, why now?” I asked. “Because, deep down, you still can’t accept the fact that she’s gone,” he said. “And why now? The answer is denial. You can’t ever manipulate your own feelings, you should know that. You used to have distractions to bury this feeling, but as I said, running away has never been a solution. You still have to face it eventually.” I shake my head as he proceeds. “It is your current mental state that stimulates all these dreams. Life feels boring, useless, like a flat road with no direction. That is !96

The Unseen Face why these forms of emotion, which you’ve been hiding, appeared on the surface, and those dreams are some sort of a tool to refresh your memory of the lost emotions. We could also say that this is a delayed phase of emotion.” “But, why was it so brutal?” I demanded. “When dreaming, in any form of dream, someone unconsciously tries to meet his desires and lose tension at the same time by creating images or figures he desires,” the doctor explained. “Well, it’s certainly not something I wanna see. I mean, I’d never imagine such a cruel thing happening to Emilia.” “Don’t interpret dreams as they are. Dreams are never a definite picture of the past, present, or future. They never will be. They are formed from emotions; past emotions, current emotions, or future emotions that you desire, and it all draws in the sketch of strange events that can never be taken literally.” “And how can I interpret that dream then?” “First of all, you have to remember exactly what you saw in those dreams. Images, figures, objects, scenes…any little thing. It is very important to find the specific emotions of the dreams, try to place yourself as the main character and feel it.”

Joannes Rhino “Um, empty…numb. I didn’t feel any kinda emotion. I can’t make a slight movement, not even a blink. I was just a soulless spectator who could not do anything. That’s what upsets me,” I said. Dr. Glockman noted my testimony and said, “You know, from your story, you should be aware that at least one of your emotions is being involved here.” “Which is?” “Emptiness. Isn’t that what you feel right now? That you’re just a spectator, even in real life? You watch people around you, stepping up to the next level of their lives, while you’re stuck envying them. This condition affects your dreams. Your subconscious is responding to what your heart really feels.” I frowned and said, “What about Emilia…the brutal thing? No way you’re gonna say that’s also the reflection of my feeling.” He smiled. “It could be how you express the frustration, anger, anxiety, or any destructive behavior that you try to hide all the time. You’re probably still mad at her for leaving you, or even angry at yourself for not being able to do anything about her death. It haunts you, even now.” As much as I didn’t want to believe his explanation, I could no longer run away. The fact !98

The Unseen Face was, the dream reflected all of my raging emotions about Emilia’s death. I had always thought dreams were just a sort of a movie during sleep. With this information, I knew I should not expect any positive dreams in the near future. I lit up another cigarette and let the smoke wiggle before my eyes as if it were mocking me. Some of the smoke made it to my eyes and made me teary. I quickly rubbed them with the back of my hand, and Dr. Glockman pulled out a box of tissue from below the table, and handed them to me. “Oh, no, no. Don’t get me wrong, doc. These ain’t tears. I’m okay.” He shrugged. “In case you need it.” I let him finish writing before I drew my own conclusion, “So that makes me the figure of the doctor in the dream?” I asked. He was about to say something before the phone rang. He excused himself and stepped to his working desk. “Oh, is it time, yet?” he asked, glancing at his watch. “All right then. Be right there.” I was guessing he had another appointment at that time. I didn’t even know how long I was scheduled for this session, and I also didn’t

Joannes Rhino know how long the normal procedure for a consultation was. The clock on the wall displayed half pass two. “You have another appointment, doc?” I asked. He leaned back on his seat. “We still have time.” He crossed one leg above his knee, placed the papers on his lap, firmly held a pen in his grip, and directed his gaze straight at me. “So, where were we?” “Um, the doctor in my dream.” “Oh, yes. Could be. He could be one of your emotions.” “Which emotion?” “You should ask yourself that question. Which part of the doctor reflected your character?” While I thought about his question, he was writing something in his notes. “We should take a role in our own dream, and in your case, you certainly didn’t do that. You’re just being a spectator. In order to change your mental state in real life, you should start in the dream. You must take control of your dream.” “Control the dream?” I asked incredulously. Smoke gashed out of my mouth and, for a moment, I felt like the temperature was below zero. “Didn’t you just say that dreams are some !100

The Unseen Face form of our true feeling? So, isn’t controlling a dream the same as cheating on our own feelings?” He nodded. “That doesn’t mean we have to stick with the fears or negative attitudes. We gotta move on, don’t you think?” I agreed. “My point is you have to lose any negative aspect inside you by controlling anything that causes your fear in the dream. When you’ve done this, without you realizing, you will beat the negative side of you, which also means you’re ready to face the factors that burdened you in real life,” he continued. I sensed that he was rushing to get to a conclusion, probably because he had to catch the next meeting. “No dream would look absurd if we could see it from the right point of view,” he said. “All you need to do is refresh everything. Try to memorize your dreams, and then reflect on your real life and find the similarity.” “Um, I just feel like these dreams are trying to tell me something.” “Well, they are. They’re obviously trying to tell you the emotions that you can’t see now,” he replied, making a quick judgment.

Joannes Rhino “I mean, doc, um, these dreams always end at the same point, when the doctor is about to show me his face. Does this mean anything?” He quickly glanced at the clock and answered, “That’s mostly because you weren’t being the main character in those dreams. When you are, you can take control of the dream and find out what it is all about.” I wasn’t comfortable anymore. I felt like I was delaying him. “You know, it’s true what people say about the stages you have to go through in life. Denial. Anger. Acceptance. And so on, but it doesn’t happen as clean and straight forward as anyone tells you. In reality, it’s a stew. Everything happens at the same time. Just because you can’t really get over the dark parts doesn’t mean you can’t get to the good ones. Sometimes the brightest light comes from the darkest places,” he continued. “I once had this dream, doc,” I began. “I was in the ocean on a boat. I think it was a Coast Guard boat, and I think I was in uniform. I saw myself and someone else crashing through the waves, and there was a heavy storm. We were searching for someone. Someone had to be rescued. And when we finally found him... it was me. I was the one drowning, but I was also

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The Unseen Face on the boat. This dream happened a week after Emilia passed.” “You were suffering from compassion fatigue syndrome,” the doctor quickly diagnosed. “It happened because a feeling overwhelmed you. The loss. Drowning in that dream is obviously applied to a feeling.” He got up and stepped toward the work desk. “In the next session, we’re going to dive in deeper about Emilia.” I wrinkled my nose and asked dubiously, “The next session, doc?” “I thought you wanted to continue this counseling.” “Um, I do. I just um, I don’t think I can afford another session.” “No worries. This is pro bono,” he said courteously. “Wow, thanks a lot, doc. Thanks.” Actually, I ought to thank Richard. Someday, I will repay him. I owe that man big time, I thought. He checked his schedule. “So Monday sounds good for you? Same time?” “That’d be perfect.” “Monday it is. I’ll see you then,” he said cheerfully. Outside the office, a middle-aged man was sitting in the waiting room. He looked terrible. He had a pale face and messed up hair. I didn’t

Joannes Rhino know what kind of hell he had been facing, but he surely needed help more than I did. He gazed at me with a cynical look as I walked across the waiting room.â&#x20AC;Š

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The Unseen Face

Chapter Eight I shook my head when I saw two missed calls from Jennifer. I had told her a thousand times that I don’t take calls during working hours. However, I called her to avoid unnecessary conflict. But she didn’t answer—it went straight to her voicemail. I thought maybe she was already sleeping, as it was one in the morning. I slumped on the couch and pressed button five on the phone. “Hey, you think I should tell Jen about this?” I asked. There were a few seconds of silence before Richard finally responded, “What the fuck, man.” “You think Jen needs to know this? I mean, I’m thinking about how to end this issue without her knowing it.”

Joannes Rhino “Do you have any fuckin idea what time it is?” “Come on, man. Help me out on this,” I begged. He chuckled. “I’m hanging up now.” “Just a quick yes or no. How hard could it be?” “It’s James. Go back to sleep, babe,” he whispered to his wife. Seconds later, I heard a click of the door. “This better be good.” His voice was clearer. “You think I should tell Jen about this?” I repeated. “About what?” Richard asked. “My dreams. Didn’t I tell you?” “Fill me in, and make it short.” “I’ve been having nightmares about Emilia,” I said. “It’s been going on for days now, and this triggered my fight with Jen the other night. So now I’m thinking it might be a good idea if Jen knows about everything.” “And you woke me up just to ask this?” “Your name is first on my list.” He sniffed. “How awesome is that?” “Well?” “Did you go to the session today?” “Like I had another choice.” “You told Jonathan about this?” “Yup.” !106

The Unseen Face “What did he say?” “You sure you wanna know in detail?” I giggled. “Fuck, man. Get me to the point.” “He said that dreams are sometimes the messenger of our sub conscience emotions. The ones that we repress in real life.” “That’s the answer then,” he said. “Exactly like I always said, you’re still stuck in the past, and you don’t wanna admit it. So, if you’ve dreamt about Emilia, and it has been going on for days, then Jen has the right to know.” “To be honest, I’m thinking the same way. But I just…I mean, I could solve this nightmare thing without her knowing anything. It’s a winwin solution, right?” “Sure. A solution for you, but it’s not fair to her. Man up, dude, you already know what you should do. Stop trying to reason with what makes this easiest for you.” “I’m looking for some advice here, aren’t I?” “Look, a healthy relationship is built on truth. Honesty is the best policy in every relationship. How long do you think you can keep this from her?” “It’s a white lie,” I argued. “No, it’s not. It’s just you being selfish, that’s all. You gotta tell her. What do you have to lose anyway? Besides, it’s not like you’re cheating.”

Joannes Rhino “Exactly. I’m not cheating on her. So why do I have to tell her something that’s not even real?” “This is real! This is really happening, but whatever, man. If you really need my advice, I’d say tell her and let her decide what’s next. That is what’s called a win-win solution. I’m sure she’ll understand your situation,” “You think so?” “Yes, I really think so. Now, can I go back to sleep?” “Who’s stopping you?” “Fuck you.” He growled. I pictured Richard’s expression after I hung up the phone. Silent, with his mouth open, staring at the phone before grumbling like an old granny. Following his advice, I sent Jennifer a text message to meet up on the following day, Saturday. I hoped she didn’t have plans, yet. This problem had to end. I didn’t have any intention of postponing it any longer. In the chilly winds of December, I threw my memory back to the conversation I had with Dr. Glockman earlier that afternoon. I was still having a hard time believing that a person is capable of controlling a dream. If somehow I was able to do so, I would have knocked out that damn doctor, and pulled Emilia’s body off of the operating table. Then I would throw him onto the table and rip out his organs, the same !108

The Unseen Face as he did to Emilia. Yes, I would certainly do that if I could control my dream. I leaned forward, staring at my reflection in the blank screen of my television. I looked at myself and smiled in euphoria as I built a strategy to gain control of my dream that night. The pupils of my eyes didn’t emit insanity, nor did the lunatic smile on my face, like a classic, megalomaniac figure in a thriller movie. I didn’t feel crazy, because I was still able to question myself objectively. Without any dramatization or pretension, I confessed that I would do the most heinous thing to the doctor in my dream. That confession came with a smile satisfaction and a straight, happy face. I stayed on the couch for a long time as the inflammatory spirit continued to come after me like a bomb of terror. As the last cigarette finished, I let the billowing smoke accompany my steps into the bedroom. For a moment, I felt like a warlord in a colossal movie that appears from a foggy mist on the hill to vanquish all enemies. I had sent a squadron of soldiers to the field to fight this war. And I will defeat the devil in my dream. That was my battle, and I was going to win it one way or another. However, sometimes over-confidence can be dangerous. And impossible to beat.

Joannes Rhino My soul whispered promises of hope, that the answer of these dreams carried only good things, not unseen, horrible facts. But the level of my frustration only increased. I felt desperate because of my paralysis. I wanted to scream to stop that violent man, but it felt like I was locked inside of a soundproof box. I could see and hear everything, but I could not say anything for my microphone was off. I grabbed the phone beside me and saw Jennifer had left me a message. She told me to come around noon. I still had lots of time. But, “Sleep no more,” I screamed in the name of my thoughts. I recalled words of wisdom I read somewhere: ‘One may close his eyes to fear, or beauty, if he does not want to see it. One may shut the ears of melody, or words, that he does not want to hear. One may escape the threats in plain sight if he is willing. But no man can run away from the mind, because the mind is his own breath. Every thought, regardless of its form, will be collected in the head and digested by the brain. It then becomes the authenticity of the man, and live forever inside, leaving the choice between loving the thoughts or hating them, affecting the option of disgust and lust, or love and hate. Whoever is

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The Unseen Face able to master his own mind shall hold the key to an absolute, perfect life.â&#x20AC;Š

Joannes Rhino

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Chapter Nine I parked my bike in the basement parking structure and threw the raincoat under the seat. I pictured Jennifer’s face after I dropped the bomb I was coming with. Creeped out. Angry. Scared. She was sitting on the couch when I came in. I noticed a pair of silver earrings dangling from her ears. Her face was full of make-up. She wore a glittering, black gown, one of her favorite dresses. “Going somewhere?” I asked. “Been waiting like hours,” she snapped, giving me that, ‘I have had enough’ look. “No, you said noon,” I said, “It’s exactly twelve now. Look.” “Oh sorry, I thought I had said eleven,” Jennifer said. I cleaned myself up in the bathroom. Jennifer had left a towel and clean

Joannes Rhino polo shirt for me on the toilet seat. That made me feel more guilty. I kept on upsetting her, but she stood strong, and full of care for me. I almost had second thoughts about telling her the truth. I sat next to her. “Why are you so dressed up?” “Wedding reception,” she said. “I don’t remember you telling me this.” “I didn’t. Does it even matter, James? Like you can go with me anyway.” “Well, at least—” “All right, stop,” she yelled. “I don’t wanna argue You said you need to tell me something. What is it?” “Um, if you’re in a hurry, this could wait.” She sighed. “Oh, please stop doing that. Don’t put me through the whole, emotional roller coaster. I’m still here, aren’t I?” “Well, this is nothing. Um…” I hesitated. She turned off the television. “Okay. Let me make this simple for you. Do you, or do you not want to talk?” That was the moment when everything had to be put in the open. But I knew the dreams involving my ex would affect her, she could start doubting me. I hated the thought of reveling the truth, just to satisfy someone’s curiosity. After knowing the truth, will she be able to end the terror in my sleep? !114

The Unseen Face However, I was too exhausted to keep up the charade. I was going to come clean, whatever the risk. “Um, it’s about us,” I said softly, avoiding looking directly into her eyes. This is going to be harder than I thought. “Oh, God!” she wailed. Her eyes popped wide open in shock. “You’re breaking up with me? Damn it, James! I knew it! I knew this day was gonna come.” “Oh, no, no, I don’t think you understand,” I said quickly. “This can’t be happening,” she cried. “Jen, listen to me.” “What?” she snapped, sobbing with arms across her chest and staring at the pounding rain that smashed the balcony window. “When you said we needed to talk over the phone, there are only two situations I had in mind. Unless you’re pregnant, which is impossible, it sounds like you’re about to break up with me.” I tried to interrupt, but Jennifer rambled on. “And now you’re gonna say I’m the one who keeps my distance, or this relationship isn’t going well, or you need some time off to think about us, or I deserve someone better than you, and all that crap. Damn it, James! I knew it.” “Hey, what are you ranting on about?” She shook her head.

Joannes Rhino I’d never found myself in such an awkward situation, and I didn’t know how to react. It seemed cold and inappropriate if I just stayed silent, letting her deal with whatever emotion she felt. So I slid my seat closer to her, and looked at how much she was shaking. I took her hands to calm her down. She looked at me deeply. “Tell me James, is there someone else?” I looked at her in the eyes. “No, God, no.” She eyed me warily and asked, “Is it me?” “Jesus, Jen, stop saying that. We’re not breaking up.” Something seemed to collapse inside her as she slid down on the couch. For a moment, I thought she was fainting, but then she squeezed my fingers so hard that I could feel her fears. “I know things have been going off track between us lately, but that doesn’t mean what we have isn’t worth saving,” she wept. “I know. We can work this out,” I whispered. “I’ve never been so afraid in my entire life,” she sobbed, hiding her face and shaking her head. “Don’t be. I’m still here, and always will be,” I soothed. “But the thing I wanted you to know is, um, I don’t think, um, I don’t know how to say it in a comfortable way. But, um, yeah, you

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The Unseen Face gotta know this. It feels like I haven’t moved on from Emilia.” She froze again. Then she stared at me. But I could not hold it any much longer. Those words came out so fast and firm that my heart stopped beating for a few seconds. She slid back into her seat in an upright position and frowned. “Your ex, Emilia? Didn’t she pass away like years ago?” I nodded as I looked away. “You can’t trick your feelings, can you?” “I thought you had gotten over her. I remember you clearly mentioned that.” I put my face down, avoiding eye contact. “I thought so until I started dreaming of her. And, just so you know, this ain’t a romantic kinda dream. It’s a nightmare,” I explained. She wrinkled her forehead. “I don’t know what to say, James. Should I worry about this?” My head shook. “It’s under control.” “So, the other night, you… Was it her?” “Yeah, sorry for that. I was still caught up in emotion, so I couldn’t tell you anything.” “And I assume now it’s explainable?” Just like being stripped off and then forced to run away naked, I had no other choice. I finally came clean. I told her everything about the dreams. I also told her that I’m seeing a psychiatrist.

Joannes Rhino She stayed silent. I felt like I had said too much. I wondered if I had mentioned things I was not supposed to say. I was still talking when Jennifer suddenly got up. I assumed that was the code to tell me that she had heard enough. I stopped talking. I let a deadly silence stretch between us to every inch of the room, leaving the howling sound of rain outside. Not liking the silence, I stepped closer to the balcony window. She was still trapped in her cold silence, which I had no clue of what it meant. “How does it look to you?” I gently said. “Wet and very windy. It’s a terrible storm,” she said. “I am talking about you. How’s your heart holding up? I know I just dropped a bomb on you, but I need you to understand what kinda hell I’ve been facing these past few days. And I need you not to give up on me.” The rain pounded heavily. Jennifer touched the window glass with her fingertips. Due to the lightning we could see a flood in the corner of the street. Everything was in trouble out there. It was a storm indeed—trees were uprooted as if they were poles of a sinking ship. Jennifer gazed at me deeply, like she had not seen me for years. “You look like hell. Have you noticed that?” !118

The Unseen Face “Huh?” I asked, not sure what I just heard. “Look at yourself. When’s the last time you looked in the mirror?” Still trying to figure out where this reaction was going to take me, I quickly turned my face to the window and used it as a mirror. I realized how time passes so fast. For no reason, I looked a little bit older. The skin around my eyes looked pale and the skin sagged skin beneath my chin. I was probably just exhausted. I had not slept well recently. I admitted that. Jennifer touched my face gently and said sincerely, “You don’t seem to take care of yourself. Allow me to do that for you from now on.” Bemused and not believing her reaction, I conceded that I obviously didn’t know much about women. “You all right, Jen?” “Shouldn’t I be the one asking you that?” “Yeah, I mean no, um, I don’t know. This is… ” I stopped, not able to find the right words. She smiled. “James, you look so awful. Like a little dachshund puppy with a bad back that’s got to pull itself around on a cart.” I chuckled, “I am, aren’t I?” “Look, obviously, I can’t fill that giant crater that Emilia left in your heart, but I also can’t bear seeing you like this,” she said. “You know, when

Joannes Rhino you love someone, you just simply don’t wanna see them hurt. I think fate brought me to you, put me in this corner of your journey to make it right.” “I just… I, um, I don’t know what to say, Jen,” I stammered. “I think you should realize that there is nothing you can say to me to change my mind about how I feel about you.” “This stuff is pretty rough on me. I’m, uh, I’m still getting over it.” “I’ll help you get through this,” Jennifer said. I finally realized that I had been such an idiot. How could I not see this before? She truly was my savior. I then took a vow that, from that moment on, I would treat her right and love her unconditionally. “Anyway, what time do you need to be at the office?” She decided to end the awkwardness. “Four.” “Well, it’s almost three. We better go now.” “Go where? Don’t you have a reception to go to?” “I don’t feel like going now. I’m just gonna drop you off at the office and well…probably go shopping. I need a good, long shopping spree— retail therapy,” she said with a wink. “Sorry, I messed everything up.”

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The Unseen Face “You didn’t. Let’s just go, all right? What time should I pick you up?” “I finish my shift at twelve.” “Okay then,” she said. I turned on the indicator light before I drove out of the basement. The rain was still raging, hammering the roof of Jen’s Suzuki Swift like it would cave in at any moment. It was twice as hard as the previous day. I could barely see the road ahead. The windshield wipers swished back and forth furiously, but it was practically useless. We arrived at the courtyard of Plaza a half hour later. Jennifer kissed me before I got out of the car. She honked when I entered the main building, and left. I pulled my phone out and speed dialed five. Richard answered on the second ring. “Now what?” he demanded. “News flash,” I announced. “I just told her, and you won’t believe how she responded.” “Don’t tell me that she’s okay with everything.” “Yo, what the hell is wrong with you, man? I’m getting the impression you want us to break up.” He laughed. “Cause she’s dating a douche bag.”

Joannes Rhino “Thanks for the heads up,” I said sarcastically. “Well? What did she say?” “Exactly like you just said.” “You’re joking,” he growled. “Long story short, we’re fine.” “Don’t give me that long story short crap.” The elevator dinged, and I walked in. “I’ll update you on Monday.” “Don’t you dare hang up on me again. That was… time… you… that…” “Dude, your voice is breaking up. Hanging up now,” I said. The doors opened on the twenty-sixth floor. I threw my best smile to the security guy at the entrance. This is going to be a great day, I thought, as I sat at my desk.

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Chapter Ten There I was, on top of my bed, fearing both to stay awake and to sleep. I wasn’t sure which torment was worse: cogitating to death or dreaming to death. I punched the bed several times, hating my new reality. I found it hard to spend the day or the night alone, like I was a baby. The nightmare had become unbearable. Terror plagued me whether awake or asleep, and worse, the darkness was becoming my friend. Yes, Jen, was supporting me, but she could not take the problem away. That rested with me. I had to slay the demon. Anyone who saw me living behind my shadow, would assume me a fool who couldn’t enjoy life. If a man’s character is his fate, then the war was not his choice, but his calling. Sometimes the weight of that burden caused me to falter, as it breached the fortress of my fragile mind, and allowed the outer monsters to turn within. I was left alone staring into the

Joannes Rhino abyss, the blackest sin of my own shadow, and the laughing face of madness. However, I resolved that from that time forth, I shall not try to win the battle anymore. I shall seek the light in the dark and breathe. What did I miss? Where did I go wrong? I kept asking those questions. I knew I could never fight the doctor figure in my dream. I thought of taking the role Dr. Glockman asked of me. But what was it? What was I supposed to do? I could not even take my eyes off of Emilia. She was right there. She was a princess covered by the shadow of perfection, but full of tears and sadness. Still, she was the river of mirth in my blood. I had more care to stay than will to go. I loved my passionate love to her, but for what cause? To praise the Lord who made her so golden in my eyes, or to suffer even more? If I loved her still, it spoke to me how much. What drug could awake me from this? What charms and good wills and what mighty, magic efforts could give me some solid proof that my love was pure? I heard the winds of sleep calling my name. They whispered that hell shall come upon me. Should I blow the horrid deed in my eyes? Oh, pity me like a dead sinner. That was the dread of

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The Unseen Face my subconscious mind. This abscess of much pain and fears showed no cause why I suffered. The dream started. My eyeballs slid to the dagger on her flesh. That was not a scalpel, but it looked more like a homemade wood knife with no blades. It incised the skin with a gentle touch and made the blood vessels cry out. A metal clamp dug into the stomach and began to remove the organs inside. I decided to stop watching, and strangely my eyes finally responded as I commanded them. I saw a shovel at the corner of the room with pieces of soil and gravel next to it. I didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t know how to interpret those things in real life. I noticed a solid log lying on the floor around a pool of liquid. I wasnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t sure what it was. My eyes got brighter when I became aware that the only source of light in the room was coming from an antique chandelier. It looked strange to me. I suddenly realized that I had little connection to my senses in the dream. And it excited me to discover this. It was a great breakthrough. I could think and feel. I knew it was just a matter of time before I completely took control of the dream. I told myself to maximize the strength of my eyes. I forced them to spin around the room and searched for any new thing I could possibly take.

Joannes Rhino I watched the executioner completing his job on the operating table. He pulled out white, clean linen from under the table to wrap up the corpse. It was floral rose with various colors. I recognized it from somewhere. Then I woke up, but unlike the nights, a feeling of comfort was circling inside me as I discovered a number of new things in the dream. I could not wait to tell Dr. Glockman about that. Even better, I could tell Jennifer. She indeed steered my course, and directed my sail. I was so lucky having her whilst going through this. I looked at her. Lovely face. Peaceful face. The most pious angel with such grace was within her soul. She was like the sweat of morning dew, or the gorgeous sunrise in yonder east. Seeing her made my fears go without contention. I will be damned to hell if I let her go. I love you baby. “Hey, you’re awake. Still having that nightmare?” Jennifer asked sleepily. She climbed onto my chest. “There’s some progress,” I said. “Oh, really? Tell me then.” “Well, just a hunch, hard to explain. I’m just gonna take it easy on this.” “But, are you really okay, James?” “Yeah.” !126

The Unseen Face “You know, I barely know her. I mean, you don’t talk much about how things went on between you two.” “What’s your point?” “I understand what you’ve been through, and I don’t wanna go there. It’s just… well, I think it wouldn’t hurt to share a bit about her.” I got out of bed and walked toward the window. “There’s nothing to talk about. She’s gone! End of story. Jesus, why do you have to bring this up?” “Because she’s still on your mind, and whatever shit you’re facing now is tearing us apart. Can’t you see that?” “Oh, Jen, do we really have to do this right now?” She rolled over and sat on the edge of the bed. “I honestly don’t want to interfere with your past, but since we’re together and you’re still seeing another woman in your sleep, I just need a word from you that this isn’t gonna get dangerous.” “I thought you were okay with this.” “I’m not going to lie to you,” she said seriously. “Dealing with a ghost from the past is really terrifying me. It’s worse. That’s something I can never keep up with. It’s like she’s completely taken your heart away from me, and I can do nothing about it.”

Joannes Rhino “What do you want me to do?” “I don’t know, James. It just… this scares me.” “What?” “This. The silence in you. I’ve never felt these kind of feelings before, and I just don’t know how to deal with them. I guess what scares me the most is you pulling away like this. Can we talk about this, please?” she begged. “What do you want me to say? Do you want me to say how Emilia and I had great times together, but then she died, and my life has been fucked up ever since?” I burst out. “That’s a start.” “Do you wanna hear me saying that I’m still in love with her and that’s the reason I’m having these dreams?” “Are you?” “You know, you have this amazing talent for making me feel like a second class citizen.” “What the hell is that supposed to mean?” she snapped. “I mean, in your own meek, mousy way, you have this brilliant knack of getting your own way. Look, Jen, if you really wanna help me get through this, just support whatever I do to fix this.”

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The Unseen Face “This is bullshit! You completely evade the issue,” she said. “It’s not a tricky question. Are you still in love with her?” “I’m not gonna defend my loyalty in this relationship,” I retorted. “I’m with you, that’s it, period. This is why I don’t wanna have this conversation with you. You’re being subjective. You’re seeing this from the other way around. My dreaming of her doesn’t mean I’m still in love with her.” “So, you think it’s normal seeing your ex in your dreams?” “It’s not like a happily ever after kinda dream. It’s a nightmare for Christ sake! And it’s freaking me out.” The room went silent. We both were taking time to think carefully before proceeding. I saw Jennifer trying to manage her emotions. “I’m sorry for being like this. I just… I’m afraid that… well… I know how silly this is,” she apologized. “You’re just being human,” I said. “I’d think the same if I were you, but for what is worth, I’m making progress with this dream. I think it’s only a matter of time before everything’s back on track.” My emotions had also stabilized. “Do you ever think that she might try to communicate with you? I mean, maybe you two

Joannes Rhino have some unsolved business, or you made a promise that you never kept? Not that I want to get involved with whatever issue you had. I just think it’s possible you know.” “It’s possible in the movies.” I smiled, opening the curtain. “This is just the reflection of what I feel in this life. At least that’s what my shrink told me.” “You see that connection?” “Not just yet, but I will.” “When was the last time you visited her?” “Can’t recall. Probably at the funeral. Why are you asking this anyway? Don’t tell me you wanna me to go there.” “James, if she used to be the special one in your life, you should probably visit her every once in a while, simply just to respect her. Maybe that’s the reason she appeared in your dreams. She doesn’t want to be forgotten,” she postulated. “You should have this discussion with my shrink. I’m sure you’d have a great debate with him,” I joked. “I’m serious. I mean, if someday I die, I want you to keep sending me flowers on my grave, not that I don’t want you to move on. I just want you to still remember me as a special part in your life.”

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The Unseen Face “Point taken. Okay, I’ll visit her when I have free time.” “Why do you have to wait? We have the rest of the day now.” “What do you mean we?” “You said you need my support. Well, this is me giving support.” That was far beyond what I imagined when talking about support. But I had to let her—that was her supporting me in a very odd way.

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Chapter Eleven We arrived at Greenwood Cemetery, located in the west part of New York. The two hectare cemetery was built for the limited, upper class community. Emiliaâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s family was wealthy. Her father worked at a huge, multi-level, stock exchange as a financial consultant, while her mother was running the biggest jewelry store in the city. It made perfect sense they wanted their only daughter buried in such place as Greenwood. Jennifer waited at the front gate while I figured out where Emilia laid. I asked an old man who had just finished digging a grave not far from the gate, and he showed us the way. We passed through a vulture winged, angel statue. The cherub was covered with wavy cloth. I saw some Victorian-style, sarcophagi bungalows and rose necklaces of stone crosses.

Joannes Rhino There were so many other majestic and gorgeous tombs spread around. I felt as if I wasn’t walking through a cemetery at all, but rather an empty lot where the rich could show off. The old man pointed out a gravesite with slabs of limestone near us. I saw the inscription on the headstone that showed the name and date. The grave was nothing like the others. It was quite simple. I thanked the old man. That afternoon was no different from any other day when the sky looked overcast. A rainstorm was threatening for sure. I squatted and grabbed the damp grass before the headstone with both hands. I wasn’t a superstitious kind of man, but at that moment, I felt a wave of relief touch my soul. It was as if a door inside of me finally opened, and a light wind of peace to flow throughout my body. I felt like Emilia wanted me to come here, to keep appreciating what we had. When death comes to any one of us, it comes to all of us, because it is the one thing we all have in common. Sooner or later, that’s the one place we’re all headed. Even though some of us believe that life doesn’t end on this side of the grave, our grief drives us to hunger for a human touch. Jennifer whispered behind me, “I’m going to leave you alone.” !134

The Unseen Face I didn’t respond. I just looked down and remained motionless and silent, thinking back to my glorious days with Emilia. They say life is short. So short that we can never prepare for when it comes to an end. However, Emilia knew when her life would end, and she was prepared. Suddenly, a drop of water fell on the back of my hand, and another dropped before I realized it was coming from my eyes. I tried the best I could to control my emotions, but as much as I tried, the stronger they came. Tears poured down horribly like a leaking dam. I knelt down and cried, squeezing the damp mound of grass before me, trying to feel the last piece of Emilia that seemed touchable. I quickly wiped off the tears when Jennifer came closer. I needed to look strong in front of her. I didn’t need to feel even more devastated and vulnerable. “Are you okay?” she asked gently as she knelt down beside me. “Let’s just get outta here,” I said. “We’re a week late you know. Her parents just dropped by last week. That’s what the old man told me,” she said. It was only then when I noticed a small bunch of flowers half-hidden by the grass on one side of the tombstone. “We better go visit them,” Jennifer suggested.

Joannes Rhino “Excuse me?” I asked, not believing my ears.

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Chapter Twelve Emilia’s parent’s residence was only half an hour from the cemetery. We were delayed by the security guard at the front gate. He had to confirm through the intercom if we were expected. Whoever spoke to him said that they were not expecting visitors on that day. “But James is always welcome,” she said. I guessed it was Mrs. Torres. The Honda CR-V took us to a large two-story building that emerged from among the trees. The Castle had a giant, gray, stone wall at the center, and was flanked by white, wood paneling. Most of the windows were curved with wavy-glass panels. There were four huge pillars standing solid as the foundation. The building, and everything surrounding it, gave an impression of a remote and majestic palace. I pulled over. I stepped out of the car feeling like the visit was a huge mistake. I feared that

Joannes Rhino seeing her parents would bring back memories of the good old days, something I had avoided for years. A security guard peered out from behind a tall, solid, steel gate. “What do you want?” He arrogantly demanded with an ancient, Irish accent. “I wanna see, um, your boss,” I stammered, struggling to recall Emilia’s surname. For some reason, I could not think straight. He glared at me as if I were there to sell some traditional, medical product and growled, “You have an appointment, lad?” “Just tell your boss James Maddox is here,” I responded. “Wait in here,” he ordered grimly. He sniffed and walked into the security booth to make a quick call on the intercom before the gate opened wide seconds later. “You’ve been expected,” he announced, giving me the richest smile that I had ever seen. I parked next to the Jaguar on the U shaped driveway in front of the main entrance. Such a paradise! I was still amazed with the place as Jennifer and I headed for the front steps. I saw a girl in a black and white uniform waiting there. She smiled and told us to wait in the living room. I noticed some changes to the interior design of the house. The last time I !138

The Unseen Face visited, there was no shiny, expensive, wooden floor. There was also no smell of dried flowers used for aromatherapy. As we sat on the couch, I looked through the glass door leading to the pool outside. A cleangray tarp covered the pool, the center sunken due to the rainwater and rotten leaves that had accumulated on it. At the end of the backyard, there were two tiny cube-shaped buildings, which I had no idea of their function. A frail, dark-skinned gardener raked the fallen leaves into a wheelbarrow near them. Regardless of how magnificent and beautiful the home was, it seemed dead to me. It had lost its magic. I felt no love for it. No matter how wealthy a man can be, he is a poor man if he lives without love. Emilia was the only love in this house. She was the most precious treasure and the only happiness in this house. I suddenly felt sorry for her parents. They could live like a king and queen, but they had no one to pass the crown to. I glanced at a mahogany-framed picture on the round table beside my couch, and there she was, smiling at me. That lovely face. Those eyes could make someone look like an idiot under their spell. Her charm could make oneâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s soul melt in contemplation of it, and momentarily

Joannes Rhino forget everything else. She was indeed the lost figure who had supplied the beauty of this house. “Is that her?” Jennifer asked, just to make sure. “She’s pretty.” “And she’s dead.” I reminded. I didn’t know why I reacted that way. I knew Jennifer was just trying to be compassionate and fully supportive. Frightened, Jennifer apologized, “Sorry, I didn’t mean to…” “Just stop, okay?” I pleaded. An old man hobbled into the room with an expensive, antique cane. He looked to be in his eighties and wore a knitted sweater with a pattern-less scarf that entwined around his neck. I didn’t recognize him, but I believed he was the man of the house. His face was oval and narrow under his thin, white hair. His eyes were sunken like his cheeks. The bones in his back groaned as they struggled to balance his dry, thin body. I grabbed his shoulder and helped him to sit down. I also apologized for coming without any notice and for ruining his Sunday, but he gestured for me to be silent and examined me carefully. “I’m not sure I know you, young man,” he said slowly. “Well, at this age, I don’t think I can remember anyone,” he remarked laughing. !140

The Unseen Face “It’s James, sir. I was dating, um,” I trailed off, hesitating to mention that name. “Oh, yes, James. It’s been a while,” he mused, and I could see the bitterness printed on his face when he said my name. “Yeah, time flies,” I said. Some flakes of young impression were still imprinted on his sharp face as he tilted his head back, as if looking for something on the ceiling. He looked innocent in an odd way, like an elderly boy scout. “Five years. I’ll be dammed. My daughter would be your age by now,” snapped the old man. “Um, yeah, sorry if my being here brings back those memories,” I apologized. He looked at Jennifer. “Ah, who’s this fine lady? I’m so rude not to introduce myself to you. I’m Eduardo Manuela Torres,” he said courteously. “I’m Jennifer Ashlee Smitz. Nice to meet you, sir,” Jennifer replied politely. “Oh, it is my pleasure. My daughter would be your age by now,” Mr. Torres said. “Your daughter was so pretty,” Jennifer remarked kindly. “Oh, yes, my angel, my only angel,” muttered Eduardo.

Joannes Rhino I heard a door slam upstairs, and the next minute, a dressed-up woman rushed into the living room. She was the older version of Emilia. “Well, well, what brings you here James?” she exclaimed, kissing me on the cheeks. “And who’s this lovely girl?” “I’m Jennifer, ma’am,” Jennifer replied before I could introduce her. “Hi, Mrs. Torres. We happened to be in the neighborhood. So I thought why not stop by. Hope you don’t mind,” I said. Mrs Torres responded, “You’re always welcome here. You know that.” She looked at Jennifer, “And you too, darling.” “Thank you, ma’am,” Jennifer replied. “So, how are you, son?” Mrs. Torres asked. “I’m doing good, thanks,” I answered. “Of course, you are. It’s been ages since the last time I saw you. But look at you. Haven’t changed a bit,” Mrs. Torres gushed. “My daughter would be your age by now,” a dazed Mr. Torres interjected. “Um, sorry, I’ve been so busy. I wanted to come… visit you guys, but something always came up,” I said. After Emilia’s funeral, I never saw this old couple. I made no calls, sent no Christmas cards, and had no communication whatsoever with them. I tried to bury everything related to !142

The Unseen Face Emilia, because I thought I needed to make a fresh start by deleting the past memories. “Understandable. Well, you’re here now. No need to say sorry,” Mrs. Torres said sympathetically. “Actually, we just came back from the cemetery, and the grave keeper told us that you just went there a week ago,” Jennifer informed her, though I wasn’t sure that she had intended to. I tried to make eye contact with Jennifer to warn her not to bring up the subject, but she ignored me. Mrs. Torres nodded and explained, “We always visit there every two months.” “My angel, my only angel,” Mr. Torres muttered abstractly. “I know it’s probably way too late, but I’m sorry for your loss,” Jennifer said. Mrs. Torres nodded and replied, “Thank you, dear.” She tried to smile, but her lips stayed in a flat line. “I wish I knew her,” Jennifer continued. “Ah, you are so sweet, my dear. I wish she had a chance to know you, too,” Mrs. Torres answered. “She didn’t deserve it,” Mr. Torres growled, shaking his head.

Joannes Rhino Five years later, but the old man was still frustrated, like it happened the previous day. “Yes, sometimes life seems unfair,” Jennifer said softly, showing her deep concern to the old man. “Unfair? Never! Life has never been unfair. Not to my angel,” he snapped. His voice echoed through the entire building. “But everyone has their own fate. And probably…” Jennifer said gently. “This had nothing to do with fate! It wasn’t her time, God, damn it! I wish that bastard had rotted in jail and died.” Mr. Torres interrupted vehemently. “Honey, careful with your heart,” Mrs. Torres reminded her husband. However, the old man could not take it any longer. He got up and left the living room. I saw his right arm trembling on the metal walking stick. I was not sure whether that was part of his emotion or because most of his weight was centered there. I immediately got up to help him walk, but Mrs. Torres stopped me and told me to leave him alone. As I slid back onto my seat, I still heard Mr. Torres swearing at someone. I was not sure at whom he was angry. My guess was that those nasty words were for the team of the

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The Unseen Face doctors who cared for Emilia during her critical moments. A dead silence reigned the living room. None of us dared comment on what had just happened. The unseen clock was loudly ticking like a time bomb that was about to explode at any second. Jennifer looked at me, and with my eyes, I told her to stop talking. “Sorry about that. He’s still having a hard time dealing with this,” Mrs. Torres finally said. I quickly reacted before Jennifer made it worse. “We’re the ones who must apologize. We had no intention to reopen that wound.” “I know. Well, to be honest, I too didn’t feel satisfied with the court, but we must follow the law, right?” Mrs. Torres sighed. I was getting confused. The court? What exactly is going on here? I wrinkled my brow in bewilderment and asked, “Um, what do you mean?” She raised her eyebrows said, “I mean the one who killed Emilia?” Suddenly, I heard a roar in my ears. At first, I thought it was a spontaneous reaction in my brain. I jumped to my feet, but quickly collapsed, smashing my head into the glass table in front of the sofas. Simultaneously, Jen and Mrs. Torres rushed to me. “My God! What happened,” Mrs. Torres

Joannes Rhino screamed. Jen touched me, moved away, came back, then felt my head. I was almost lifeless. She started crying. “Susan. Susan,” Mrs. Torres shouted. Susan, the house keeper, came running. “Help us rush James to the hospital,” Mrs. Torres said, “oh God!”

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Chapter Thirteen It was past midnight, but I could not sleep. Thinking is all I could to do. I was obviously missing crucial parts of the puzzle and it was killing me, mentally and physically. But worse, it was also killing Jen. I felt bad for dragging her into this whole mess. She didn’t deserve it. Suddenly, I remembered the letter I received a week ago. I rushed out of bed and pulled it out from a pile of papers. My eyes ran through it as if I would find something different. ‘I AM INNOCENT’ is the only message that whacked me in the face again, nothing else. When I analyzed it further, I saw that it had a faint watermark: Property of Iredell County Jail. Nothing more, except the initials A. J.

Joannes Rhino My mind spun, I wanted to ignore the whole thing, but I knew that I had to visit this mysterious AJ, and figure out who the hell he was. I went back to bed, physically and mentally exhausted. However, the nightmare didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t respect my tiredness. It came with its regular evil authority, but my subconscious mind was more prepared this time. I felt the knowledge clearly, that indeed, my Emilia was murdered. In the morning, I was not stressed out as usual. I was more of me, the real James. However, I feared meeting AJ. I thought I needed to talk to someone before hearing what he had to say. Obviously, Richard was the first person to come to mind, but quickly I remembered my appointment with Dr. Glockman on that very day. After a quick shower, I left the house at noon. As my bike slowly crossed a huge, vacant lot close to my house, I saw a black dog digging up the ground. His head was half-buried under the ground between his paws. I recalled that that ugly dog had been digging that spot for the past week. So I made a quick stop to find out what he was hiding, or what he was searching for. However, when I got off my bike and walked closer, he looked at me and growled. Then he barked like he wanted to eat me alive. I ran back !148

The Unseen Face to my bike and sped off toward my house again. In the fridge, I found some chicken leftovers. I drove back to the dog and gave him the chicken. He gladly ate it like he had never eaten before. By the time I left for my appointment, he was all over me. His hostility was no more. When I arrived at Dr. Glockman’s office, his secretary told me that the Doctor was already waiting inside. I asked the lovely woman to check Dr. Glockman’s schedule, so that I would be aware of how long my session would run. Dr. Glockman was working on his desk, writing something when I came in. “Hello James,” he greeted me. “You’re right on time.” “Yeah, doc,” I replied, walking directly to the couch. “What time is your shift?” He asked. “It’s still at four, but there are things I need to do first.” He finished preparing some paperwork and sat in front of me. He also put an ashtray on the table. “Just in case.” “Gee, doc, you can read minds,” I laughed, as I pulled out a pack of cigarettes from my jacket. “It’s part of the job. Good to see you again, James. How are you doing?” He began.

Joannes Rhino I shrugged. “Haven’t been sleeping much. But yeah, I’m okay.” “You’ve had a few, tough nights. I can see that.” “You have no idea.” “So, how are things progressing?” “Which part do you wanna know about, doc?” “Any topic you want to discuss right now.” “You know what? I’m actually making a huge progress with my dream,” I said. “I haven’t been able to control it just yet, but as you told me, I looked closely at the images and figures in the dream.” He quickly looked at the papers on his lap. “And what did you see?” “Weird stuff for sure. I mean, I thought I was in the surgery room, but then I saw this shovel, soil, gravel, an antique lamp, and, um, what else, um, a hand-made knife, and, um, other things that weren’t supposed to be there. Weird, right? But I don’t know how all these things reflect in my real life.” He wrote down everything I mentioned and said, “Dreams can be mysterious, and understanding the meaning of dreams can be downright baffling. The content of dreams can shift suddenly, feature bizarre elements, or frighten us with terrifying imagery. However, !150

The Unseen Face the fact that dreams can be so rich and compelling is what causes many to believe that there must be some meaning in every dream.” He coughed a bit. “Sorry. Let’s see what you have right now. It is obvious that all the images you saw are the projection of your feelings about a horrific event in the past, which we can safely assume is your loss of loved ones. Losing either your parents or your ex-girlfriend. The shovel, soil and gravel are standard symbols for a grave. The knife means that losing them is killing you. Moreover, the antique lamp explains how you keep looking back, and you don’t even realize it.” “So it is entirely about my past?” “No need to rush and jump to conclusions,” he said nodding his head. “If you are patient enough, in time, you should find the messages of the dream.” “Um, do you really think that this is all just some emotions I tried to ignore?” I asked. “In your case, there is no doubt,” he said confidently. “So, it’s impossible then, that, um, Emilia, my ex, was trying to communicate with me from somewhere beyond?” He smiled. “Do you believe in that sort of thing?” “I don’t.”

Joannes Rhino “So why bring it up?” “I mean, I didn’t. But…” “I’m not following you. Am I missing something? What did you not tell me?” I spilled out the whole story, starting with the mysterious letter from the prison, to the information from Mrs. Torres about Emilia’s death. During the confession, Dr. Glockman stared at my eyes without blinking. Rough lines were on his forehead the whole time. “To be honest, doc, I’m so fuckin confused now,” I said. “Um, excuse my language.” “Carry on.” “On one hand, it’s impossible that a mother would lie about her child’s death, and on the other hand, I stayed at the hospital every frickin day during her critical moments, until the day she died. This is so absurd,” I said, ending my confession with my head down. He was still writing long after I’d finished. He went silent for too long. I assumed that he was going to take back his perspective of the dream. “I’m sure you still remember we once had a discussion about dissociate disorders. What you have said makes me suspect that you are at that stage,” he said. His words hit me like a fist in the stomach.

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The Unseen Face “What do you mean? I am crazy?” I demanded. “Didn’t you tell me that one of the indications is forgetting things? But, I still remember everything very well.” “Maybe, but maybe not.” “What’s that supposed to mean?” I quickly took my next cigarette. “Love,” he replied, pausing briefly. “You know what love really means?” I didn’t understand why he suddenly jumped off topic. But then, when I tried to think about love, I didn’t know how to describe it. “Love is a passion. In some cases, it can also be a temporary madness,” Dr. Glockman began. “When you’re in love, you feel like you’re on top of the world, and that you can do anything, things you could never imagine doing before. And I’m guessing this applies to your case as well.” “Are you saying the feelings I had for Emilia triggered all of this?” “Or possibly still is. You know better than I do, but it doesn’t matter if you are still in love with her. The point is how you loved her then, not now.” Confusion. Confusion. “You think I didn’t feel genuine love for Emilia?” I sort of shouted.

Joannes Rhino “Look, nobody is judging anybody here,” the doctor said. “I’m not even trying to lecture you about love. I’m just simply reaching into the problem.” “What does this have to do with my dreams, anyway?” “You see, when we’re in love, we do anything to keep it going,” he said. “Are you with me on this?” I nodded. “Carry on.” “When you lost Emilia, there was a hole inside you as big as your heart, yet you still forced yourself to feel the love,” he continued. “But, you see, even the heart has its limit, and there came a time when your heart could no longer take the ugly truth. The smartest way you thought at the time to deal with this was to run away from reality.” I decided to seal my lips and wait to see where this was headed. “So you turned to drugs, alcohol, and lots of activities, but it didn’t work as you expected. Maybe, just maybe, because you were running out of ideas to escape from the wound, either accidentally or intentionally, you changed the content of the story.” “I can’t believe this!” I snapped. “You’re not buying anything I said? God! What’s the point in me having this session, then? I thought you were !154

The Unseen Face with me all this time. I thought you’d help me figure out this shit, and now you come up with this? To tell me how fucked up my mind really is? Jesus, this isn’t working, doc.” “As a psychiatrist, I have vowed to make an objective point of view, not to take any side. I’m just putting one piece back to the puzzle.” I glared at him. He had turned out to be one of my demons. I must not trust him, I decided. I hated the way he had tried to trick my mind. His words were poisoning my thoughts, and burning my blood with terrible accents of dire combustion. His tongue wounded me and forced me to feel an unfelt sorrow. “It is the perfect time for you to open your eyes. You have to consider any possibility from now on,” he continued after writing some notes. “If you have doubts, there are plenty of ways to assure yourself. You can start doing a private investigation on this. Try to find another opinion from friends, or from Emilia’s relatives. Better yet, go to the homicide department and ask about this murder case. Alternatively, you can also confirm with the hospital, where you think Emilia was treated, that she was a patient during that time. You see, there are so many ways to ensure this. Just choose one, and start digging.” I felt my pulse getting weaker with every beat. A massive headache came on suddenly.

Joannes Rhino “Tell me, let’s say I believe Emilia was murdered. How could I lie to myself about such a serious matter?” I asked. “As I said, even the heart has its limit when dealing with pain,” he said. “Maybe you feel guilty for not being there when she was murdered, and because this guilt seems unbearable to deal with, you accidentally or intentionally created a new side of the story to escape from the guilt.” I shook my head. “No, I know my memories. Maybe it is Mrs. Torres who has this… dissociative whatever-the-hell you call it. Maybe she’s the crazy one.” I instantly felt terrible for calling the woman I once thought would be my mother-in-law crazy. “I have no intention to manipulate your thoughts by doubting anything that you believe. I just simply link one thing to another,” he said. That’s it. No more of these stupid sessions, I decided. Before I left the office, he asked me to put my name on his schedule for the next appointment. “Yeah, whatever suits you, doc,” I snapped, disappearing from his office as soon as possible. In the waiting room, the same man I saw the other day was waiting for his turn. He looked at me, but I gave him an ugly eye. He received the message and looked the other way. !156

The Unseen Face *** I arrived at the work fifteen minutes before my shift. I was soaking wet, because I had no time to put on my raincoat. I felt like all eyes were on me when I entered the twenty-sixth floor. I knew I was the entertainment for the entire afternoon, but I didn’t care, I had more serious stuff to deal with. Four hours passed by, but they felt like a century. I shut down my computer and disappeared from my desk. I headed to the rooftop. I needed to be alone. On the stairway, I bumped onto a security guy who had just finished doing his daily check. He smiled at me, joking saying, “You better not be planning a suicide on the roof.” I ignored the pathetic joke with a single nod. There I was, sitting on the concrete roof, hugging both knees and staring at the star-less dark horizon. I grabbed my phone, thinking of calling Jennifer to say, ‘hi.’ I ended up texting her instead. She texted back five minutes later, saying that she was still waiting for my explanation regarding our visit to Emily’s house. I didn’t reply, simply because I didn’t have the proper answer. The metal door behind me slammed shut. It was Richard.

Joannes Rhino “Why didn’t you tell me you were here?” He asked, sitting next to me and pulling out a cigarette. “Thought you were busy,” I replied in a flat tone. “So, any updates? What’s the deal with Jen?” “Weren’t we gonna have this conversation after work?” “I’m taking an emergency leave tomorrow, and I have to get up early. Sorry, buddy, no time for pep talk after work.” “Busy, busy, man, as always.” “Cut the crap. Start talking.” “I thought she was cool with everything, but then…” I trailed off and shrugged. “Well, girls are girls.” “That’s why I was surprised when you said she’s cool with all this. I mean, who can compete with a ghost from the past?” Richard asked. “Now you sound like her.” “Just being reasonable. Dealing with an ex is one thing, but dealing with an ex who no longer exists is way too much. I mean, how can you fight something when you can’t see who you’re fighting against? And you can’t understand this cause you don’t put yourself in her shoes.” “She said she’s gonna help me get through this.”

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The Unseen Face “One lucky bastard,” he said. “She’s definitely a keeper.” My head shook as I replied, “I gotta make this work, man. I have to.” “I’m sure you both are going to be just fine. You’re just having one of those days, but having someone like Jen at your side, you’ll be all right,” Richard comforted. “You know, we went to visit Emilia’s parents yesterday.” “Oh, you did? With her?” “I didn’t want to, but, um, I don’t know how to tell you this. You missed out on a lot of shit, man.” “What did you fuck up this time?” “You remember I told you that I’m having nightmares about Emilia?” Richard snorted. “How can I forget that lousy call in the middle of the night?” “Yeah, I’ve been dealing with that shit for days, and it is really nasty shit. I saw Emilia’s body torn apart, and the blood…” I trailed off. “Look, James, not that I don’t care about your nightmare or whatever you experienced in those dreams. I just don’t see the connection between this and you seeing Emilia’s parents.” I took a long sigh. “You know how she died?”

Joannes Rhino “Um, brain tumor. Something inside her head or something like that? I can’t recall,” he said. “An infection in the brain tissue,” I reminded. “Yeah, that. What about it?” “She didn’t die because of it. She was murdered.” “What!” he screamed. “Are you fucking with me?” I could not see Richard’s expression at the time, but I was guessing his eyes were glaring at me. He surely looked as surprised as I was the first time I heard those words. “That’s what her mother told Jen. She said that Emilia was murdered in a hotel room,” I said. “No fucking way!” “I actually didn’t wanna buy that crap, but um, I don’t know, man. You tell me. I mean, you wouldn’t lie about your child’s death, would you?” “You saying that you’re having doubts about this?” “Something is definitely fucked up inside my head, and as much as I try to stick with the memory I have, other things just link up to one another. And the worst part is they’re beginning to make sense. Scary sense,” I said. !160

The Unseen Face “What other things?” “You see, I got this letter a week ago from Iredell County Jail. It says, ‘I am innocent.’ There’s the initials AJ at the end of the letter.” Richard threw away his cigarette and lit up a new one. “You familiar with those initials?” “I am now. Adam Jackson. He’s the one who killed Emilia.” “Damn! This really is fucked up.” I snorted. “Tell me about it.” “How are you hanging, man?” Richard said concernedly. “What do you think? Shit just keeps on coming, and I can’t catch a fucking break. I know there’s a certain point in everyone’s life when everything seems fucked up, but this? What the fuck am I supposed to do with this shit? I don’t know what’s really going on anymore. It’s all jammed up inside, and I don’t even know which part hurts the most. I’m really fucked up, man.” “I don’t know what to say, James. Sometimes when you can’t see what’s happening, you have to be strong.” “Are you fucking kidding me? Just be strong? That’s your brilliant advice? Jesus, I could talk to the fucking stars up there and they’d probably tell me something more useful than that.”

Joannes Rhino “So, what’s your plan then?” He ignored me. “I gotta meet face to face with this AJ guy, and I’m gonna get it done by tomorrow. Let’s just see what leads from there. I gotta fix this.” “You want me to tag along?” “I better go alone. It’s easier to smash his face when there’s no one around.” “You do that, man.”

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Chapter Fourteen The man came into the visitorâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s room and was told to sit down by one of the two prison officers that brought him. Both of them were armed. From the waiting room, I studied his face. I could see him, but he could not see me. In a few seconds, I concluded that I had never seen him before. Never. He was a big, bald headed man around my age. I feared him a bit. The fact that he was heavily guarded told me that he was extremely dangerous. However, he was looking straight at the table, not with an angry look, but with a desperate, empty look on his face. An officer approached me and said that I had not more than fifteen minutes with him. I nodded and stepped in.

Joannes Rhino The room had two small windows that faced directly to the parking lot of Iredell County Jail. I noticed a large, two-way mirror on the wall. My heart continued to race. I was sitting face to face with a killer. And that was the craziest thing I had ever done in my life. I decided to look professional because, for this visit, I was posing as a representative that the Torres family hired to handle the case. So I had to stick with that role. The dress code was the first, absolute requirement. I intended not to wear a suit, because it looked too formal. I didn’t want to look like his lawyer or accountant. I wore a pale blue shirt with a conservative tie that made me look like a relative of the Torres. I tabled my black, leather case and pretended to prepare some documents. I thought he would be curious about my visit, but as it turned out, he’d been expecting me. “What took you so long?” he greeted me. It took a lot of guts for me to look at him closely. His face was without scratches or bruises yet he had been there for years. My heart beat even harder. He is really dangerous, I realized, seeing he was an untouchable. No one dared to mess with him. “Excuse me?” I asked. “It’s either you just received the letter, or just finally decided to seek the truth.” !164

The Unseen Face “Yeah, what’s with that, man?” “Didn’t you read the message?” “You’re innocent, but I don’t think I know what you’re trying to say.” “I did not kill her,” he snapped. “That’s what I was trying to say. Are you stupid or something?” “Hey. Easy, man. You’re the one locked up, doesn’t look innocent to me. Do I even know you?” “You don’t, but I know you. She mentioned you a lot.” “Look man, I’m not getting any of this shit, and I’m sick of playing these games. So you better start talking. Who the hell are you, and how do you know Emilia?” He frowned. “Didn’t she mention me at all?” “We wouldn’t be having this conversation if she had.” “Right, I see. Look man, it’s better this way. Say I’m saving you from getting deeper into shit, places you don’t wanna go.” “Don’t tell me what I want.” “Look man—” he began. “No! You look!” I interrupted vehemently. “If there was something going on between you and her, I have every damn right to know.” “All right. Your call. You have a smoke?”

Joannes Rhino I grabbed a pack of Marlboro out of my pocket and handed it over. The clock was ticking on the other side of the wall. I was running out of time, and I still had nothing from this guy. “I don’t have a whole day here,” I said. He lit the cigarette. “I’m Adam Jackson, and I did not kill her.” “Oh, fuck me! Just cut the crap, man!” “It’s true. I was framed. She’d already died when I got there. Blood was everywhere, man. Nasty shit. Someone suddenly knocked me out from behind before I had a chance to do anything. I’m telling you, it wasn’t me, man,” he pleaded desperately. Emilia was murdered! This guy was the second person who claimed that she was murdered. My heartbeat was pounding with no rhythm. My head got dizzy. Just as I blinked, I heard voices inside my head, and images started to pop up like projected slides. My lips trembled when I tried to speak, “She was murdered?” “I don’t know what she’d done to deserve such a thing. It was really some nasty shit. Unthinkable. Consider yourself lucky not to see her in such a condition.” “And why were you there? I mean, did she ask you to come, and why are you still not telling me how you knew her? Was there !166

The Unseen Face something going on between you two? Just spit it out.” “Look, sorry that you have to know it this way, man,” he apologized. “She was seeing me behind your back. We were going out for quite some time. I know how unfair this seems to you, but you wanted to know,” he said, as he spread his hands in front of his chest and shrugged his shoulders. My head spun. The headache spread all over my head. I felt like jumping off a cliff. The demons’ voices inside my head were laughing. I felt like a big fool who’d just been stripped naked. I made Emilia the queen in my kingdom. I worshiped her. That’s how she repaid me! She was being screwed by this bastard, even the day before she died. Jesus! I hit the table several times. I stopped when the officers raised their eyes. “For what is worth, she loved you more,” AJ said, trying to make me feel better. “Don’t you dare tell me that I’m better than you. I know damn well I’m better than you.” “Look, I loved her, okay? And probably as much as you did.” “Don’t talk about love. Love is full of shit.” “I understand.”

Joannes Rhino “Just tell me what you want from me. I didn’t plan to get into any of this with you.” “Okay, about that. I sent you the letter cause I know you’re my last hope. I also sent it to my friends and even the Torres, but no one seems to believe me.” I sniffed. “Why would they? And what makes you think I believe you either? Or give a shit for that matter. You were fucking my girlfriend—you knew she was with me. I don’t know what that makes you, but it’s certainly not a man.” “Say whatever you want, but I ain’t gonna apologize for loving her. Because when you see the most amazing, beautiful thing you’ve ever seen, you don’t think about what is right or how to cover it up. I was helpless, man. I can’t stop loving her,” Adam sighed. “I see where you’re heading, so just stop. You’re gonna use mind games on me and make me feel bad for you and your disgusting lust.” “Look, man, let’s just put our problems behind us for a minute. Let’s just focus on the real thing, the murder. The real murderer is still out there, and I need you to find him. You gotta help me find this guy.” “Listen, I don’t trust you, and I don’t know how to help you.”

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The Unseen Face “Just dig up some stuff. You’ll find something. I know you will.” I nodded. “Can’t promise anything.” “Really appreciate it, man.” “What do you remember about that night?” “Like I said, blood was all over the room when I got there. I saw her lying on the floor, naked, before someone knocked me out. That’s what I remember.” “It doesn’t help at all.” His head shook. “Yeah, I know.” “Why did you go to that… hotel?” I felt a wave of jealousy strangle my neck. “She texted me to come. A short one, saying, ‘I’ll be waiting at The Nixon, room 36.’” The door opened behind me, and the officer I spoke to earlier stepped in. “Time’s up,” he said as he firmly grabbed my shoulder. “I’ll see what I can do. No promises,” I said, getting off the chair and leaving him with the rest of my cigarettes. I walked out still not believing Emilia was cheating on me. You meet someone. You have a connection, and you fall in love. That person then becomes sheer perfection in your eyes. You just cannot find anything wrong with her, until the world tells you that everything about her is wrong. The sweetest thing you’ve been through is nothing but a lie. Jesus!

Joannes Rhino Unfortunately, I wanted to find out if the man behind bars was guilty, and if not, find the real murderer. Unwillingly, I would help AJ. As I walked down the hallway, I peeked in an office and saw that the time was one o’clock. “Um, excuse me, officer. Can I have your time for a minute?” I politely asked officer as he escorted me in the dark corridor. “Make it fast,” he ordered. “You see, officer, that guy I just met… I believe he’s been charged for something he didn’t do.” He laughed and joked, “If all thieves came here and said that they just robbed a bank, this prison would be full of criminals.” “But, as an authority, you have to see their motives or defenses before putting them in jail right?” “You know, young man, in case you don’t know, there’s an entire court system that deals with that shit, not us,” he snorted. “An official letter from the Judge is all it takes. We just lock them up cause they’re meant to be here. End of story.” “But don’t you ever wonder if someone in this place could be innocent?” “Listen, son. I’m just doing my job here. I care about nothing but keeping them on my watch, and if you think their being here is !170

The Unseen Face unjust, think twice. You don’t want to know the kind of shit they’re capable of outside these walls.” We stopped and waited for the steel door in front of us to open wide before he continued, “You see, all these inmates are getting proper treatment here. The scary, rough, fucked up prisons you see in the movies, it ain’t the real thing. That doesn’t exist in the real world. Here, we have medical services, mental health services, and so many educational prison programs going on throughout the year. We have various work programs for the inmates in order to engage in productive work, and keep themselves busy. On top of that, this prison has also a domestic violence education program and even an academic educational program. So, you see, young man, these inmates are actually learning something here. We ain’t gonna let them rot and die inside this shit-hole in case you think of it that way.” “Glad to know that you guys have a heart,” I said. “I’m gonna pretend I didn’t hear that.” He waved for another guard. “But, what if someone in this prison is actually not guilty-as-charged? I mean it’s possible, right?”

Joannes Rhino He shrugged. “Means bad luck for them, and I can do nothing about it. You are aware that there’s some procedure and process before they got here, and when they’re here, well, it’s done for them.” We stopped at a counter where I had to hand over the visitor card to an officer behind the booth. Then I stepped aside to give way to another visitor checking in. “I just think that my friend back there is innocent,” I insisted. He laughed. “And what makes you think that? Just for your information, you’re the first person who has come to visit him. You know damn well what that means.” “Means he has no friends?” “You’re really something, you know that? After all these years, why have you suddenly just shown up asking this stuff, anyway?” the officer questioned. “Guess something came up,” I answered evasively. “And I wonder what that might be. Listen, son, I’m gonna save you from making trouble for yourself. Your friend back there, he’s guilty. Plain and simple. I remember the case well, and the evidence was incontestable.” “I need to take a look at that.”

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The Unseen Face He dragged me to the corner of the corridor. “Please remind me again why I must help you?” “Because you promised your cousin, Richard, you would. I need solid proof that he is or he isn’t guilty.” He glared at me as he thought in silence. “Yes, and I did. I got you in front of him without the required notice. But now you are asking me to risk my job.” “I promise. I won’t jeopardize your job. I won’t.” He removed his hand on me. “That’s too much to ask.” “I just need something solid.” “But of course everything has its price. You know what I mean.” He grinned sheepishly. I slid my hand into the pocket. “Oh, yeah, silly me.” “Not here. Follow me.” I waited at someone’s desk while the officer went down the hall. I saw him flirting with the female officer behind the black bars of the records room, before returning towards me with a sickly smile. “Slide it in under those.” He pointed at some files on the desk in front of me. “And it better be worth with the risk I’m taking here.” He then handed over the files marked CLASSIFIED.

Joannes Rhino “I really appreciate this, officer,” I thanked him. “Whatever you see in there, ain’t to be repeated from your mouth. No copying. No taking pictures. That’s a see-only file.” He took the bribe on the desk and walked out of the room. When I opened the first page, I smelled the dust of five-year-old archives on poor quality paper. I closely examined the report of the officer who first arrived at the crime scene, and the testimony from a number of other witnesses. The report said that the victim, Emilia Torres, was found lifeless in a horrible condition. Her whole body was covered in blood, lying supine on the bed, naked. The team of investigators estimated that there were at least five stab wounds in the chest and stomach by a sharp object without any indication of resistance from the victim. Adam Jackson, the suspect, was found face down and unconscious on the floor beside the bed still holding the bloodstained murder weapon. There were fresh bruises on the back of his neck due to blunt impact. The coroner reported that there was no seminal fluid in the victim’s genitals, nor any trauma to the victim’s genitals by forced penetration. The coroner

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The Unseen Face deduced that no sexual activity had occurred before or after the victim died. The investigator threw out his theory of an attempted rape gone wrong, and filed the charge of first-degree murder with the District Attorneyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s office. On the last page of the file, there were attached photographs of the incident. There were pictures of Emilia from various angles, lying innocent with blood covering her naked, pale flesh. These findings slapped me hard in the face. It was clear I had to stop running away from the inconvenient truth that Emilia was, indeed, murdered.â&#x20AC;Š

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Chapter Fifteen I sat on my bike, motionless, helmet in hand. The painful headache was still circling inside my head. Unbearable emotions and thoughts competed with the headache. I was just a mess from every angle. It was unclear which emotion dominated me the most. Anger or Hate, or Fear or Love, I could not tell. I felt angry and stupid when I recalled that people around me had been bugging me to see things for what they really are. Now, I see that they were absolutely right. What laid before me was a horrible and heart breaking reality. Everything I cherished with all of my heart was a lie. I slapped my bike several times wishing my mind could shut down permanently. I took out my cell phone and found two missed calls from Richard. I didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t feel like talking to him. I didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t

Joannes Rhino know what to say and how to explain this madness. The sky was as dark as my mood. I heard the roaring mighty winds behind the dark clouds. I geared up my bike and drove off. I had no specific destination—I wished it was possible to drive away to a place where pain, regret, misery and remorse did not exist. Later, I pulled over under a tree. The rain had started pouring. I left the bike and ran to some tin-roof hut. Moments later, my phone vibrated. It was Jennifer. I didn’t want to talk to anyone at that moment, but I also didn’t want to upset her, she values communication. “Hey, it’s so noisy out there. Where are you?” She asked. “It’s raining here,” I shouted. “It’s almost four. You’re going to be late.” “I don’t think I’m gonna make it.” “You’re not going to work?” “Guess not.” “What’s your plan now?” “Don’t have one. Just gonna wait out this rain and head home. Wanna meet up at my place?” “Sounds great.” “I’ve got something you might wanna know.” “What is it?” !178

The Unseen Face “Let’s just talk later.” “Okay. Be there in an hour.” The rain magically stopped. I changed my mind about lighting up a cigarette. God must have wanted me to quit smoking. I rushed back to my bike and drove off. Once in my neighborhood, I saw people were cleaning up the road. I smiled when I saw that the dog—the one I had seen on the previous day—was in the same place, still digging away. His face lit up under the passing headlights. He stared at the ground and continued to stare at it impassively. Whatever was buried beneath the ground was very important to him. The pavement next to his paws was littered with broken glass, twisted scraps of metal, and black rubber from blown tires. On a normal day, I would have wanted to find out what the dog was looking for. Jennifer showed up fifteen minutes after I had arrived home. When I finished showering, she was watching a classic movie. She had not wiped the make-up off of her face. I felt such compassion for her. I knew this was hard and stressful on her, and yet she still strived to show me her best looks, always. “Have you called the office?” She turned off the television.

Joannes Rhino I rubbed my face with a towel. “Richard will cover for me.” “So, what do you want to tell me?” Jennifer asked. “Yeah, I just met him.” Her forehead wrinkled. “Met who?” “I actually went to the state prison this morning. I had to see him, Jen.” She glared. “What? Why didn’t you tell me? You know, James, this is one of the things I need you to share. It seems simple, but it’s a big deal for me.” “Well, I’m not gonna apologize for this one,” I said callously. “This is my thing.” “I’m no more than an outsider, is that it? God, James! We’ve been through this.” “You’re taking this the wrong way. I just need to get into this by myself. Why do we even have to fight over this? I’ve got bigger things to figure out, for Christ sake!” I grabbed a seat but changed my mind, and kept standing against the wall. There were a few moments of silence. When we were taking time off to calm down, I left Jennifer alone to make her a cup of tea. “Sorry for being so hard on you lately.” I apologized as I handed the tea to her. “It’s been a rough week for me. All this information…the facts…they just keep on coming, and the worst !180

The Unseen Face part is, they’re all starting to make sense. Everything is so messed up.” Jennifer sipped the tea and asked, “What do you mean?” “Emilia was really murdered and Adam, the guy I met in prison, confirmed it,” I explained. “He told me that he was charged with murder. He didn’t kill Emilia. I actually didn’t wanna believe anything he said until the warden showed me the documents of the murder case, and you don’t wanna know what I saw in there.” Jennifer gave me that I-don’t-know-how-toreact look. It was odd for her to comfort me for my murdered ex. But at the same time it was difficult to shut her mouth and let me drown in these sour feelings. Eventually, she opted for a neutral stance and listened as I spoke. “This is really…God, what is really happening inside me?” I asked. “I mean, I still clearly remember waiting in the hospital, talking with the doctors, staying at the side of her bed every day. I won’t forget that, but this? Am I going insane? This can’t be right. None of this makes sense.” “Have you ever had a brain scan?” Jennifer spoke up carefully after a long silence. “Don’t take this the wrong way. I mean, if you ever had a concussion back then, all of this would make sense.”

Joannes Rhino I sighed. “Not that I’m aware of.” “I’m just saying everything happens for a reason, and this too. Maybe you might want to consider having a brain scan.” “Saint Joseph Central Hospital,” I said. “Pardon?” Jennifer asked. “That’s the place where she stayed. Saint Joseph Central Hospital. I’m sure of that.” “You sure you’re not mixing it up with something else?” “Pretty sure.” “We better find out then,” Jennifer said. She grabbed the phone and dialed the hospital’s number. She spoke to the receptionist. I felt stupid. If I had done that myself days ago, none of those confusing thoughts would be circling in my head. Jennifer threw me a look of pity when she hung up the phone. “No luck?” I asked, crossing my fingers. “Unless that girl was lying to me, no Emilia Torres has been registered in their database,” she said. “I asked her to double check, even for the last ten years, but nothing.” “You sure?” She pointed at the phone. “You can call them yourself, or visit them instead.” “Shit! What the hell is going on with me?”

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The Unseen Face “Listen to me, James,” Jennifer began. “It doesn’t matter what really happened to you back then. What matters is—” “It matters to me!” I screamed. “This is not like losing stuff or forgetting to put out the trash. It’s me losing it and my whole frickin past life. You can’t just ask me to let go of whatever thing I missed back then and pretend nothing ever happened. It’s not that simple.” “You know, it’s actually that simple if you put aside that feeling you still have about her.” “What’s that supposed to mean?” “Look, James, I really respect her as someone who used to be the special one in your life, and I really meant it when I said that I wanted to help you get through this. But this is now getting too much for me to handle. It’s not just the fact that you’re still harboring feelings for her, but also that you don’t seem to want to let them go.” “We discussed this.” “And, I’ll tell you this, you won’t find any logical explanation of this situation until you put aside your feelings. This makes you blind.” “Oh? So, now my feelings have screwed up my memory?” “Obviously.” “Is it even related?” She shrugged. “Seems to be.” “Try to put yourself in my position.”

Joannes Rhino “I did,” she retorted. “Why do you think I asked you to see Emilia’s parents? Why do you think I wanted to find out whether Emilia’s name was ever listed at Saint Joseph Central Hospital? If you think that’s not supportive enough…I was trying to feel what you feel, James. Instead, you’re treating me as an enemy who wants to steal your heart away from her.” I felt sorry for her. I never wanted to drag her into this mess. “James, I love you, and I hate to see you like this, but I just…I don’t think I can pretend I’m okay with this any longer. I’m sorry,” she cried. I heard her still sobbing when she walked off. I kept on sitting as if nothing had happened. As I stared blankly at the walls, I sent back my mind to the days before Emilia died. I tried to find any possibility that I might have misremembered the actual incident, but I found nothing. I never had a concussion, and Emilia died of the disease. The latest findings I got from the state prison were not helping at all. Sick and tired of guessing, I made myself think like a detective facing a murder case. I had to admit that this killer had his own motive. Emilia was not just a victim who happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. This must have been planned, and the victim had been determined. Judging from the condition of the !184

The Unseen Face victim, the killer apparently harbored some tremendous anger with someone or something. The victim, perhaps, had done something hurtful to the killer or made him upset about something. I assumed the victim knew the killer well enough to be in the same room where the murder took place. Probably, there was some romance between them. I could say this based on the visual framework from the police archives, which I think was very close to the truth. As the violent incident began to grow into a solid form inside my head, I was amazed with the clarity of my thoughts. Doubts left me. The whole puzzle was pointing at one person, Adam Jackson. He murdered her. His motive was jealousy. I realized that his testimony about being knocked down from behind was nothing but a hoax to trick me. The bruise on the back of his neck was just an alibi he had used to hide his trail. Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s just that his alibi was not good enough to save him from the murder accusation. The longer I thought, the more I was satisfied with my conclusions. I admired myself for my achievement uncovering traces of the enemy, who tried to manipulate my mind, with foresight, acumen, and personal analysis. I felt a

Joannes Rhino lot better. My success made me confident and arrogant. The fog that clouded my judgment had disappeared. I felt extremely prepared to face the demons in my dream that night.â&#x20AC;Š

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Chapter Sixteen While the doctor performed his surgery, I was pacing around the operating table. I decided not to look at Emiliaâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s innocent face. I felt disappointed and betrayed about her affair. It was hard to feel sorry for her. I squinted at the doctor. I could not see his face, but I was sure that that guy was Adam Jackson. Strangely, I did not feel any resentment for him. That confused me a bit. I glanced at a wooden bat in the corner near me. I grabbed it. There was some fluid dripping off the end, but I was not really paying attention to that. The only thing I had in mind was to bury the bat into Jacksonâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s skull, and end this dream once and for all. However, my arms trembled, my knees shook, and my heart pounded so loud that I

Joannes Rhino could hear it screaming inside of me. I was powerless to lift up that piece of wood. My whole body was limp like a woman in the arms of her prince charming. My body kept sagging until eventually I knelt down beside him, and I continued to fall down into a position of total surrender, like ancient Egyptians worshipping their pharaohs or gods. My heart was still entangled with some odd feelings of compassion, tenderness, and love. Hidden and unbearable cries exploded inside of me and tore down my fortress of defenses, I cried and woke up. A sense of embarrassment haunted me like an evil shadow. I hesitated to believe what had just happened, but it felt so real. It felt like this was the lost emotion that I had been searching for. It was already eight in the morning. I had a really long sleep. As I sat on the bed, the demons of my sleep kept mocking me. I smiled bitterly and realized that I was still powerless to control my dream. At exactly nine oâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;clock, I jumped on my bike to drive to Richardâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s place. I had to tell him about this Adam thing. When I turned into an alley near my house, I saw that dog again at the same spot, doing the

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The Unseen Face same thing. This time, I decided to end my curiosity. I parked my bike next to the gutter and hopped down. The dog noticed and stared at me, trilling its tail. He thought I was bringing him some more meat, but I had no leftovers in the fridge. I heard my knees creak when I squatted next to the dog. I inspected him. The pit bull had been badly abused. One ear had been chewed to mincemeat. His hide was scorched with cigarette burns, and flies licked his bloodied fur. I wrote a reminder in my phone to buy him some mediation. The poor dog kept on digging. Every once in a while, he buried his head into the one-foot deep hole and sniffed. My level of curiosity began to haunt me like hell, and I could not walk away. For some reason, I was not able to get up and leave this damn dog alone. It was as if some sort of strange energy pulled me into the hole. I finally decided to intervene. I started to dig into the hole using twigs at first, and then with my bare hands. The dog stopped working, giving me a chance to show off. Fifteen minutes passed, but I still had not found anything. This made me even more furious. I could feel beads of sweat popping out

Joannes Rhino of every pore on my body. I decided to take a break. I looked up. The sun still laid east of the horizon. I got up and ran back home to get a shovel hidden below a pile of tools in the garage. On my way back, I bought a jumbo sausage roll from a street vendor and put it next to the hole. The dog hastily jumped out and devoured the roll in one bite. “Wow! You’re damn hungry boy.” He trilled his tail expecting more, but there was none. Some of the neighbors asked me what I was doing, making sure I was not getting into some shitty stuff. Maybe they were just being curious. I answered them with a smile and pointed at the dog. I could hear them grumbling. “Let me show you how to do this thing, boy,” I told him. I dug lump after lump of dirt until it piled up around the hole. The deeper I dug, the more solid the soil became. I imagined that something awesome awaited me down there. I dreamt of finding rare fossils or some millionyear-old bones that would make me rich. After digging about five feet, my shovel hit something solid. I thought I had reached the bottom layer of the soil, which could be only be piles of coral or rock, but when I looked at it closely and struck it hard with my shovel, it was !190

The Unseen Face clear to me that there was a wooden box buried down there. I squatted and tried to rub it with the palm of my hand. I knelt down and let my fingers play the role of an eye down there as I tried to reach the box. When my grip had stabilized enough, I pulled it out as hard as I could. My left elbow reacted quickly, supporting my back, and I avoided falling down on the ground. The box flew from my grasp and fell next to the dog’s head. He immediately sniffed it making sure if the box was the thing he had been looking for. I climbed out to the dog and pulled the box away from him. I wiped the remnants of sand that were still stuck to some parts of it. It was not too large, just about half of a shoebox. My guess, on seeing the fibers of the wood, was that that box formerly used to store children’s antique toys. It had no markings or company logo, it was just plain. I ended my curiosity and opened it. I was stunned by what I saw. I could feel my heart banging against the walls of my chest and screaming inside. I almost failed to breathe. I gasped as I ran out of air. The hairs on my neck responded in unison. I shuddered uncontrollably. I began to feel dizzy. I saw piles of photographs inside. They were pictures of Emilia. Pictures of her with me—and

Joannes Rhino pictures of her with Adam Jackson. There was also a notebook, a pair of old, dusty gloves, and some scrap papers filled with my handwriting. I could not stand it any longer. I felt my body start to shake as I limped back to my bike. What are these things doing here?â&#x20AC;Š

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Chapter Seventeen Whatever the consequences would be, I decided not to go to work again. I had to go deep into that mysterious box. I switched off every form of communication. I didn’t want anybody to disturb me, including Jennifer and Richard. God only knows how long I stared at those pictures of me with Emilia. One that took my attention the most was a medium size photo of me and her at the park at sunset. It was a beautiful day, I still remembered that moment. I even heard the quacking ducks in the river and the singing birds flying towards the western horizon. I could feel the chilly air on my skin, making my body shudder. My mind was right there, lost inside of the pictures. Tears began to moisten my eyes. “Jesus, I loved this girl.” I continued looking at the photos. My weeping abruptly stopped when I came across Emilia and Adam. They were in so many poses. Some were even sexy! God!

Joannes Rhino I saw them hanging out at a party, having dinner in a fancy restaurant, making out inside some ancient building, making eye to eye contact in the back of a car, hugging each other in a reunion, and so many other events they attended together. I felt I would throw up at any minute. I hated them both, but I hated Emilia the most. She made an idiot out of me. She ruined my life. My eyes froze on one snapshot. It was taken from behind. It was clear that they were about to enter a hotel. The bellhop was smiling to them at the entrance whilst another was pushing their trolley of luggage. I quickly threw the picture and leaned back on the couch. I needed a break. I closed my eyes and pretended to be sitting peacefully in a remote area where no one could mess with me. As my emotions came back into one focal point, I collected the pictures into a pile and took out the scraps of paper from the box. It felt weird when I saw my handwriting on those papers. I had no recollection of writing any of it. I had listed some days on each piece of paper, numbers that showed the time between one day and another, some calculations marked

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The Unseen Face with a cross, the names of people and locations, and some other words I could barely read. My guess was that I was doing some research for a school project. I arranged the papers into a pile just like the photographs. Then I grabbed a notebook from the bottom of the box. It was Emiliaâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s diary. It even had her name. Curiosity made my hands shake. I could not wait to discover what was inside her head about me. I wanted to figure out the missing link in our relationship. When I read the few first lines, thunder rumbled as if to say that the book was confidential, and I was not authorized to read any further. Yes, I understood that everyone has a right to privacy, and that I had just crossed that line. But this was no longer about right or wrong, ethical or unethical. This was a matter of logic and common sense. No one was going to get hurt anyway. Anyone in my position would do the same thing. The diary started in middle school. She admitted to having difficulty making friends for the first month of school. I snorted and smiled. I had never thought a person like Emilia, who knew exactly how to behave in public, had a problem with self-

Joannes Rhino esteem. I also acknowledged that she was pretty lame with her love life. Based on her testimony, she always ended up with a broken heart. I skipped several pages and continued reading about her early years of high school. In this section, she had no trouble socializing. She had so many friends who looked up to her, and she had the greatest time ever. Everything was running smoothly for her. She was living life to the fullest. At that time, she became the woman I knew. I grabbed a snack from the kitchen. I was hungry. It was nearly four o’clock in the afternoon. I knew there were tons of messages in my voice mail, but I kept my phone turned off anyway. I sat back on the couch and continued with my reading. March 27, 2000, ~ Why does it have to be him? I mean he barely speaks, and gosh, he’s so mysterious. All my friends believe he’s a total freak. But they are jealous cause he doesn’t give them attention, I know. All the girls used to daydream about James, but he never showed any interest in any of them. Now since only likes me, he’s a freak? Well, what do they know anyway? Not that I’m defending him. I just want to be fair. And clearly, he’s unlike most of the boys I

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The Unseen Face know. He’s… different. Unique. Cool. I guess it’s him acting in this cold killer style that I really dig. I smiled, realizing I was the subject now. Apparently, this was her first impression of me. No wonder. I never thought Emilia had fallen for me at first sight. Well, I don’t believe in love at first sight anyway. I mean, someone who claims to have that sort of moment is full of shit. There is no such thing as love at first sight. Chances are either it is lust or curiosity that triggers the love. He was soaking wet, but he just didn’t care. Instead, he gave me these roses. Oh, how sweet of him! This may not be my first time getting flowers from a guy, but the way he did it was unlike any other boy. I saw it in those eyes. Oh my god, those blue eyes. He gave me that puppy look that I can’t resist. I mean, how could anyone say no to that? I still can’t believe he’s officially my boyfriend now. I smiled smugly. I could never forget that night. He’s too kind, but why do I feel this way? Something is definitely wrong here. Am I making a bad call? It’s not him. I know it’s not. It’s not about the attention and all his caring. Who doesn’t want to get that kind of treatment from a guy? But I just feel

Joannes Rhino like sometimes he’s doing too much, and in some way it’s really annoying me. I just can’t say no to whatever he does. I don’t have the right reason not to accept his constant attention. After all, he’s just being a nice boyfriend. And what’s wrong with that? This is totally on me. I made him into this loving, caring monster. My forehead wrinkled. I didn’t understand what she meant. Why did she suddenly feel having me as a boyfriend was a mistake? Why didn’t she tell me about this? I knew she was still keeping something from me here. Even in her own diary, she didn’t give any clarity about her feelings for me at the time. I don’t know what was going through my mind. I should’ve gone home before he started whining like a child just to make me stay. Having sex is one thing, but having sex when you don’t feel like you want to, is really frustrating. On one hand, I can always just fake it, but on the other hand, if I can’t enjoy it, why bother? I mean, come on, it should fun, but instead it’s just to keep him from sulking like a toddler. I can’t deal with pressure like this, I just want to call it off. I sniffed. This was getting deeper and too much for me to handle. I now cursed myself for reading this journal. I took a quick time-out to !198

The Unseen Face regain control of my emotions. I drank a half bottle of cold soda from the fridge. I lit up a cigarette and jumped back on the couch. It was six in the afternoon, and I didn’t feel hungry at all. Lately, I feel more like an obsession rather than a lover. He’s made me into one of his obsessions. Everywhere I go, he’s always there. He even insisted on joining me on my weekly girl’s night out. That’s insane! And all the text messages and the calls, like every goddamn hour? What’s with that? Come on! Doesn’t he have anything to do, besides bug me? Doesn’t he have his own life? I need my free time, my goddamn privacy! I’ll go crazy if I keep living like this. This is not the kind of relationship I want to have. This is… I don’t even know what this is. I paused. Was it true that my undoubted feelings about Emilia had been violating the thin line between fairness and temporary madness? I then remembered that Dr. Glockman once mentioned that, ‘falling in love may feel like a meeting of hearts and minds, but it’s actually a kind of temporary insanity driven by hormones.’ Did I accidentally put aside my sincere love and turn it into some wild obsession beyond the limits of reason? However, I believed everything

Joannes Rhino that I did to Emilia was an expression of pure love. She was the one who was in denial. I know how wrong this may look, but I’ve got to do this. I need to find the missing piece inside me, and I found that piece in him. He’s more mature and settled. He understands me. I feel safe with him. So comfy. I can’t put this into words. All I know, is that this is the first time I have felt this way. I feel so alive. I enjoy every moment with him. Even when we were just sitting and not doing anything, I felt really happy. Is this what they call happiness? Is this me being happy? My feelings say this is right. Does this mean I have to— I stopped reading as I realized this was the part where the third party was about to interfere with my life. I was too upset to continue reading. But curiosity is a poison that is somewhat difficult to control—they say it killed a cat. This is definitely not just a simple crush. I have really fallen for him. And I know he feels the same way. I can’t keep on doing this to him. He’ll find out eventually. I gotta tell him about James. God, why does everything have to be this hard? This is what is best for everyone… I never thought he was going to be that calm. He’s so mature responding like this and not being selfish at !200

The Unseen Face all. I can’t express how lucky I am to have him around. He is all I ever wanted in a guy. I hope James will understand why I had to do this… If I didn’t need to know the rest of the story, and I didn’t care at all about the missing parts of my memory, I would’ve torn that book into pieces so that no one would ever discover my humiliation. November 24, 2003, ~ Dilemma. I know I’m being really selfish by doing this, but I don’t think I have the guts to tell James. I mean, he keeps continuing to be nice, which is pissing me off. This really is my fault. I shouldn’t have done this from the beginning, but I must end this. I’m so sick of lying and pretending as if this is not happening. I need to find the nicest way to explain this. He’s going to be devastated, I know that, and I’m afraid he’s going to do something stupid. God, this is killing me. January 18, 2004, ~ AJ told me that, if he were in James position, he’d understand why I had to do this. Not that I’m taking sides or anything, but I mean, if James really loves me, he should respect me for making this decision. A relationship is a two-way street. It’s not about winning or losing. It’s a matter of feeling. It’s impossible to continue a relationship

Joannes Rhino without feelings. But what’s stopping me from saying this to James? I guess I’m just being paranoid... I put the diary on the table while I let my body slump on the couch. I massaged the base of my nose, preventing a headache that seemed ready to strike. I looked briefly at the clock. It was ten at night, and I was thinking of taking a rest for a moment. Two or three hours lying on the couch would probably be enough. Hopefully, my emotions would be stable enough to deal with the diary’s biggest secret yet, penned years ago, still waiting to be discovered.

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Chapter Eighteen The dream came again. As it started, I vividly remembered that last night I was down on my knees behind the killer. I encouraged myself to be stronger. I walked around the operating table. Seeing her lying there and looking so innocent made me feel so sick. Everything seemed so bright. The light came from an antique chandelier in the middle of the room. It made me see spots I had not seen before. The wooden knife flashed in the doctorâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s hands. The red stains that bubbled out of Emiliaâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s body flowed onto the table and dripped onto the floor. I could smell her fresh blood. I glanced at the other corner of the room. Next to a shovel, I saw the same wooden box as the one I found this morning. I wondered why I had not noticed this box the nights before. When the doctor finished his masterpiece and spread

Joannes Rhino the sheets to cover the victimâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s body, I stepped behind him and noticed the clean, white linen with floral roses of various colors all over it. Unlike last night, this time I had no intention of hurting the doctor. I just wanted to stand beside him until I finally saw the actual face of my terror. He took one step backwards, showing me what he had just done to Emilia. I could see the red stains seeping into the linen and dripping onto the floor. He then turned around and thrust the knife into my stomach. My eyes rushed to see his face. What the fuck? I stood, paralyzed and in shock. The room spun as I tried to scream â&#x20AC;&#x201D;but only silence filled my ears as blood spewed from my gapping mouth. Out of breath, I gasped as I woke up. My stomach shrunk and twisted, like it had been hit by a blunt iron rod. My fingers squeezed the couch leather tightly. I felt like something had stabbed me right in the gut, and blades of steel had ripped through my heart. While my eyes spun around, I held my body with my elbows as I leaned back on the couch. When I finally regained my breath, I grabbed my stomach, trying to find any wound that should have been there. I imagined that my intestines had spilled out all over me, but only !204

The Unseen Face beads of sweat covered my stomach. It took me nearly a minute to realize that I was not going to die today, and that my body was still intact. I was dizzy. I shook my head and got up. I needed to cool down. I stepped into the bathroom, and stayed under a cold shower for almost an hour. At seven in the morning, I decided to continue reading. I was terrified. I feared the house, me, the journal, everything. February 12, 2004, ~ We began to plan the future. Get married, have children, and grow old together. We even named our first child Angelica Nebula. Oh, I feel like everything’s back on track. This is all I ever wanted. We love each other, and there’s certainly nothing wrong with that… …I guess this is it. This is the time to tell James. AJ has been so nice, so understanding of my situation, and I’m not going to make any more excuses not to end this. I dragged him into my own mess. No more lying. I’m so sick of it! April 27, 2004, ~ Finally, we officially broke up. I feel like all the baggage on my shoulders has been lifted. I know people may think what I did to James was cruel, but that was the right thing to do. This isn’t about me being selfish. This is me saving him from getting in too deep for something that wasn’t

Joannes Rhino there. To be honest, I didn’t want to drag AJ into this whole break-up thing. I mean, I don’t want James to find out that there’s someone else. I just need him to understand that this had to do with my feelings, that I don’t love him anymore. Well, I hope someday James will understand why I had to do this. May 2, 2004, ~ It’s really great when everything goes the way it’s planned. Now, I don’t have to feel like I’m cheating on someone, and the best part is, I’m not feeling any regret, nor any guilt. Things with AJ are going so well. In fact, he’s going to meet my parents next month. Everything’s so perfect, and nothing can ruin this. I’m on the right path, I can feel it. I’m back on my feet, and what’s following me is a new era in my life, unlike anything that came before. I think, in some way, it’s kind of funny looking back at my hard days with James, knowing now exactly what I’m heading towards and what is heading towards me. ...I think I saw James this morning. Even recently, I feel like I’m seeing him everywhere. Not that I’m saying I miss him or anything. I just… well I’m just wondering how he is. Last time I saw him was a few weeks ago at the funeral when his mother passed. I actually didn’t want to go there, because I don’t want to mess up his head with our break-up thing, but AJ thinks I should support him or show him that I still

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The Unseen Face care. Well, I still really want us to be friends. I hope someday we are. July 23, 2004, ~ James wants to meet up. I knew this day would eventually come. He texted me last night. Well, I guess now is as good a time as any. For what it’s worth, I do miss our friendship sometimes. Who says we can’t ever be friends with our exes? And, as a good friend, I won’t let him down by not showing up. Things happen for a reason. Now, I know what that really means. That entry turned out to be her last words. Her journal ended there. I placed the book on the couch while my thoughts ran wild back to the last five years of my life. I looked into the open box on the table and noticed a pair of gloves at the bottom. I still could not believe it. This can’t be happening. I could feel my heart pounding, could hear the sound of my rushing blood like a freight train in my ears. Images and fragments of memory played like a slideshow in my mind. Glimpses of events came all at once creating a gruesome and horrifying story. Everything in my memory became clear as I collected the crystal fragments of my mind. With patience, I pieced it together. The doctor’s image in my dream was no parable…

Joannes Rhino Sometimes, hours can feel like minutes, and sometimes, a single second can last a lifetime. Time stood still and, in a single second, my life changed forever. That second will haunt me, will curse me, and will certainly never, ever let me go.â&#x20AC;Š

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The Unseen Face

Chapter Nineteen ~ April 27, 2004 ~

I was still asleep when I heard the gate opening. I thought it was just the postman or some courier, so I ignored it. However, the clanging of metal was getting really annoying, not to mention Vickyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s incessant barking. I peeked at the clock when I got out of bed. It was nearly ten in the morning. I was the only one left in the house. My mom and dad normally went to work very early in the morning, and my two siblings left the house shortly after. I saw Vicky climb behind the front gate. With a flapping tail, he barked at Emilia outside the fence. Suddenly, I didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t feel sleepy anymore. I was extremely glad she came. I wanted to spend the

Joannes Rhino rest of the day with her, doing whatever she wanted. I let her watch some showbiz program on TV while I cleaned up the place. When I came back into the living room, I saw her whispering on the phone. She didn’t notice me there, and kept on smiling as she talked. When she saw me frowning, she quickly ended the conversation with whoever it was. “It was a wrong number,” she said when I asked about it. That was not enough, I was still curious about who was on the phone, but I didn’t want to make it a big deal. I didn’t want her to think of me as a jealous, annoying boyfriend. Lately, she had become very sensitive any time I ask her anything. She even snapped at me when I asked her opinion about taking a trip together next month. She definitely had changed drastically. She was not the same person I used to know. For some reason, she now tended to be more passive around me. She seems to hate all of the attention I give her. She’s made so many illogical excuses whenever I asked her out. Something was definitely happening inside of her. I hoped it didn’t get any worse. All of this was confusing. She was giving me the signs of a girl who has her eye on someone else. Someone she thinks is better. Someone that !210

The Unseen Face will give her a happily ever-after. But I knew Emilia wouldn’t do that to me, she was such a good girl. How naive! I sat on the sofa beside her and asked, “Baby, why didn’t you tell me you were coming? I could’ve picked you up somewhere.” “That’s okay,” she answered, keeping her distance from me. She was in dark-gray, faded jeans and a red jersey. Wearing no make-up, her eyes look glazed as if she had not had enough sleep. However, as always, she looked stunning. “So, what’s the plan? Do you wanna go somewhere or are we just gonna chill at home? I just bought some DVD’s,” I said, getting up to the drawer under the TV. “Let’s see what we’ve got.” “James, can I talk to you for a minute?” she asked softly, avoiding to look directly into my eyes. I winked. “Sure thing. What is it, baby? You seem so serious. Is something wrong?” “Can you please sit down?” She screamed. Confused and disappointed, I took a seat next to her. “What’s wrong?” “We both know things have been going pretty rough between us lately,” she said. Her hands shook, holding the phone tightly.

Joannes Rhino “No, they’re not,” I responded. “We just had a few arguments. No big deal.” “Could you please let me finish?” “Yeah.” She cleared her throat and began, “I feel like it was yesterday when we first met. We were both young and naive, unaware of what the matters of the heart really were. But we still jumped on the coaster, and we were cruising for a while. We figured what we didn’t know, we would learn later, and we were willing to take risks. But then…there were fights…arguments, and now it seems like all we do is disagree.” I chuckled slightly. “It’s called a relationship.” “James, please,” she said, eyeballing me. “Okay. Zip.” She slowly shifted her body away from me and continued, “The past few weeks I’ve been thinking a lot about this, about how different we really are, and I feel like a part of me finally hit the floor, and I can’t get up again. I can’t keep doing this. Iv’e thought back on so many, countless memories of how everything began. And it was great…it was…sweet. But now? I mean, we’re like two different people—we always argue about nothing. When I tried to figure out why, I realized that this has been

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The Unseen Face happening right from the beginning, and we’re just pretending to be cool with it, to just settle.” I shook my head. She paused and continued, “At first, I didn’t want to accept it, because I’ve been fighting for this for so long. I mean, I wasn’t going to bounce, because to me, you were worth keeping. But then I began to rethink. I mean these fights and arguments aren’t going to end, ever, until one of us makes the call. So, this is me making the call.” My forehead wrinkled as I asked, “What are you saying, baby? Are you breaking up with me?” “What I’m saying is there’s another girl meant for you somewhere out there, and that girl is not me.” She evaded eye contact. “That’s a line all girls use when they have met another guy. Who is it?” I stared at her with blazing eyes. “You said you love me.” “I loved you, James, but I just don’t see us together anymore. This wasn’t how I thought it would go. This isn’t working.” It was just like a bomb had dropped out of the sky when I heard that statement. “Can we at least try to make it work? I promise I’ll try harder.” “We both had so many shots, and we blew them all,” Emilia sighed.

Joannes Rhino “I think this time it will be different, Em. I know it will be different. Just gimme—” “No, James,” she interrupted. “You’re better off without me, and you know it. You just don’t want to admit it.” “We… we’re in love. This is ridiculous. You’re not making sense.” “You don’t seem to listen. You don’t hear me.” I snorted. “I...I don’t hear you? I don’t hear you? How on earth can I not hear you? I listened to every word you said. You’re just not thinking straight. I mean…shit. I didn’t see this coming. Is there someone else?” “This doesn’t have to do with anyone,” she said. “This is me, wanting to be happy.” There was a spark of doubt in her eyes when saying that. I sniffed. “So you’re not happy with me? Is that it? You know how stupid that sounds? You’re not happy, but you stick around for like two years? Come on.” “We had fun. I don’t deny it, but that’s just it.” “So, I’m just like a pair of old shoes that you can easily throw away when you feel like you’ve had enough fun wearing them?” “We’re just not meant for each other. I’m sorry.” !214

The Unseen Face “You can’t say sorry and just walk away from this. That you should know.” “James, please understand. It’s over.” “No, it’s not! Not until I say so.” She glared. “Who the hell do you think you are?” “I’m your goddamn boyfriend.” “You were, five minutes ago,” she said coldly. “You selfish, cold hearted bitch!” She squinted her eyes at me. “There’s no use swearing at me.” “Tell me, who’s this guy?” “See?” She shrieked. “This, this is the kind of bullshit that I don’t want to jump into. The fact that you like pointing a finger at me for everything is all a better reason to end this, but whatever.” “Just tell me who the fuck this guy is.” I screamed, my hands shaking, feeling I could slap her at any second. “All right. You win. There’s someone. Happy now?” “How could you do this to me?” “This is for the best, James.” “Who is he? Do I know this asshole? Is he the one who was on the phone? How long have you —” “That’s none of your business.” “This is my business.”

Joannes Rhino “No, James. What I have with him has nothing to do with you, and me making this decision has nothing to do with him as well. Look, you should have realized that this isn’t a pre-make up session. This is a post-breakup conversation.” “You have no idea what you’re doing.” She shrugged. “I’m done here. I’m tired of fighting. It’s time for me to walk away, because it’s obvious that we’re never going to stop fighting. Goodbye, James.” Emilia left and that was where my journey with her ended. I was still shocked with the news she just dropped on me. I sat there for hours, listening to the laughing demons inside of my head. Curiosity began poisoning my brain, supplying me with images of the third person who ruined us. I didn’t know who he was, or what he looked like, but I had to find out. The next thing I knew, it had become my obsession. I started stalking Emilia. I watched her day in and day out. I took note of what time she left the house every day, what she did during the day, where she went, with whom she hung out, everything. I wrote down the exact time and place of her whereabouts. I didn’t miss a single thing. I had become her living shadow, always close but out of sight. !216

The Unseen Face After days of following her, this guy finally showed up. His name was Adam Jackson. I circled his name so I would always remember the person who caused me this pain. He was big, tall, and bald. I didn’t understand what Emilia saw in him. Such an ugly, shapeless, baldheaded bastard. Then I changed to stalking him instead. I needed to know everything about this guy. I wanted to find some dirt on him, so I could tell Emilia what kind of guy she was dating. After a week of stalking him, I still could not find anything wrong with him. He was totally clean. This fact, knowing him as Mr. Perfect for Emilia, was really annoying me. Worse, Emilia kept sticking to him like a piece of iron being pulled to a magnet. They seemed inseparable. One day, I mustered all my guts just to talk to Emilia. I approached her at a coffee shop during her lunch break. I could tell she was really uncomfortable having me around. We were sitting across from each other. “Let’s try this one more time, we’ve been together for too long to say goodbye,” I said. “I’ve moved on, James, and so should you,” Emilia sighed. “But you’re breaking my heart. Why couldn’t you have just left me from the start?”

Joannes Rhino Emilia was looking out the window. There was a lot of noise, and she paid no attention to me. “What I felt before was puppy love, but I don’t feel that way now. I’m behaving the best way my feelings will allow.” “It’s always about your feelings. Always. How could you be so cruel to me?” “You’ve got it all wrong. Breaking up was the best thing for both of us. You’ll see. And to make you feel better, even though I’ve moved on, I still think the world of you. We had something. Just leave it that way. Please don’t make it difficult on yourself.” I stared at the table, tapping my finger on the surface as Emilia continued to look out of the window. The tapping became incessant and finally snapped Emilia out of her haze. “We can still make things better,” I kept on pushing. “There is no turning back,” she replied. “I am leaving now to get my life back on track. If you really love me, you should respect my decision.” “Please, baby, give me one more chance.” “You missed out on all the chances back then. Sorry James.” Seeing Emilia having a great time with another guy was making me sick. I hated both of them. What I felt for Emilia at the time was pure disgust. She had become an odious figure in my !218

The Unseen Face eyes, something that I was forbidden to touch or even think about. This was definitely not the way I wanted to remember her. This new form of Emilia must be deleted from the face of the earth in order for the old one to survive. There was no other way. She had to die. However, fate had other plans. After a month of lying in the ICU following a sudden heart attack, my mother passed away in early June of 2004. I didn’t see it coming. Everything seemed too fast. I didn’t even have time to look after her in the hospital during her last, critical moments. I had been so busy dealing with my emotions that I missed the chance to say goodbye to my mother, the person who truly loved me. I cursed the whorish and evil hearted Emilia for blinding me from the things that were far more important to me. This was her fault. She took away all of my happiness. She must pay the equal price with her life. She came to the funeral to pay her respects. I really didn’t need her there. I didn’t need those fake tears, and the fact that she came with the guy who ruined my life made me furious and embarrassed. Also, the way she talked to my sister as if nothing ever happened between us made me hate her even more. I just wanted her to disappear from my world.

Joannes Rhino

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The Unseen Face

Chapter Twenty ~ July 23, 2004 ~

This is it. Everything is perfectly planned. There will be no mistakes. I have calculated all possibilities. If things go off track, plan B is ready to go, and my alibi is rock solid. I am hours away from reclaiming my life, the life that I am entitled to live. I sent Emilia a text message using a brand new sim card. In the message, I briefly said that I wanted to see her today at seven in front of the Nixon Hotel. I also asked her to come alone. I knew she would not have any trouble finding the location. Based on my surveillance, she went

Joannes Rhino there with Adam quite a lot. That explained why she texted me back saying that she would be there in less than half an hour. And she didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t mind the unknown number - AJ had told her he would be getting a new one. Before I left the house, I checked one last time to make sure everything I needed was in my backpack. A knife was placed inside, wrapped in a piece of fabric. A pair of gloves was hidden in the side pocket of the bag. An arm-length, wooden log lay above some clothes to make the bag look heavier. I had also prepared two backup phones, just in case I needed them. I looked at myself in the mirror, and felt happy for the first time in months. Precisely, at four in the afternoon, with my backpack on my back, I made my move. Vicky barked at me, and I told her to keep the house safe while I was gone. She looked disappointed and curled up beside my pillow as I headed out. I arrived at The Nixon as planned. It had nothing to do with luck that I was not stuck in traffic during busy hours. I had calculated that as well. I checked in under the name of Adam Jackson. It was really easy to get fake ID these days. Besides, The Nixon was not a big, fancy hotel that required complicated verification. The lady at the front desk didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t even try to match my face with the picture on the ID card. !222

The Unseen Face However, just to be safe, I kept my cap on low, shielding my eyes (dead giveaway) until I walked into room number thirty-six—a standard room located on the third floor. It had a clear view of the congested, afternoon traffic. It had no balcony, but did have a ceiling fan above a desk and a thirty-two inch television set. I placed my backpack on the side of the bed and decided to relax for a minute. The bed was extremely hard and dense. My spine protested in pain as I tried to get comfortable. I vaguely smelled something unpleasant from the linen, and as I turned my face, I saw a trail of godknows-what between the rose patterned sheets. I stared at the ceiling, a vintage style chandelier swaying above me. I started to ramble. I pictured Emilia lying beside me, stroking my neck with her fingernails, teasing me before slipping her body into my arms. We made-out and had make-up sex—dirty make-up sex. I felt myself yawn as I floated into the world of my wild fantasies. I was trapped in my own lust and almost ruined my entire plan. Luckily, as soon as my eyes opened, I took a long, deep breath and forced myself back to the surface. I sat on the bed and pulled myself together. I am not going to bail out on this. I won’t. I’ve been waiting for this moment.

Joannes Rhino I could feel my heart-beat return to normal as I felt the warmth inside my blood. This passion seemed stronger than before. There was only one option now, not to screw up. The moments of waiting had finally reached their end. Emilia sent me a message with a smile icon saying she had arrived. I peeked out from the window and saw her car parked across the street. After I was sure she came alone, I began to prepare. I dumped everything I had brought onto the bed and put them into easily accessible places. Everything was set. I texted her to come to room number thirtysix, and that there was a surprise awaiting her inside. I saw her hesitate for a moment before crossing the street. I smiled in relief. Not long after, there was a knock at the door. I hid as quickly as I could in the bathroom with the wooden log in my hand. I heard the door crack open as I stood behind the bathroom door. Emilia called out for AJ at the doorway and stepped in, the heavy door slamming shut behind her. She got closer and closer. Sweat dripped from my forehead. I held the bat tightly in my grasp. My breath came in gasps, and I quickly held it to silence the noise.

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The Unseen Face When her footsteps passed the bathroom, I decided to move slowly and breathe. I peeked from behind the door. I stepped out of the bathroom and silently approached her, slowly closing the gap between us, step by step. I was in complete control. I stood and watched her, as if in slow motion. Just as she pulled her phone from the bottom of her purse, my eyes focused on the target. The back of her head. Thwack! The sound of impact was satisfying, a loud bass of dense wood and cracked skull, followed by the thud of her body as it hit floor. Fuck! The strike made more noise than I had anticipated, but at least she was silentâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;no moaning. For nearly a minute, I stood still and silent as I stared at the door, listening for any activity, waiting for some concerned (nosey) person to come investigate the noise. Luckily, only silence greeted me back. Quickly, however, the silence became deafening. Emilia was no longer breathing. At that moment, I realized I had hit her too hard. I had planned to kill her, but not immediately. I wanted to torture her terribly before she died. I wanted her to feel the pain that

Joannes Rhino I felt, with equal intensity. It was the only way for retribution. Suddenly, I felt dizzy. My vision faded for a moment as I leaned against the wall. I had to pull myself together. The mission was not yet over. Methodically I began. I locked the door with gloved hands, then laid her lifeless body onto the bed and stripped off her clothes. I scanned every inch of her perfect body and conceded that she was indeed a masterpiece. One that no man could resist. Men would easily melt under the magical spell of her entire essence. The shining, emerald eyes, pearl-white teeth, ivory, smooth stomach, and a myriad of other idiotic comparisons. They wouldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t see, however, that their eyes were merely fooling themâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;there was a rotten heart behind the innocence and elegance of her. She was no more valuable than the prostitutes whom sell their bodies for survival. If they knew what I know about her, they would have surely lined up behind me to help vanquish her. There was a witch and a devil hiding behind that cute, pretty face. I took a clean towel and wiped my fingerprints from her body. After I finished, it was time for the main event. I hovered over her body on the bed, and using a kitchen knife with !226

The Unseen Face a wooden handle, I began stabbing her body mercilessly. Blood was everywhere, seeping through the surface of the sheet. I ripped through her flesh over and over, waiting for the sweet relief of satisfaction to wash away my sins. It wasn’t supposed to be like this—my rage grew each time the knife thrust into the resistance of her dead body. She got off too easy. The bitch got her way, again. It was eight o’clock and I was running out of time. I dropped the knife next to the body and lifted myself off of the bed. I sent a short message to Adam using Emilia’s phone. I told him to come there as soon as possible. Then I switched off the phone. The perfection of my mission depended on this stage. I put the towel into my backpack, unlocked the door, and again waited in the bathroom, log in hand. Everything was all set. I just had to wait. Patiently wait. Although I was physically and mentally tired, I stood stoically behind the door. I didn’t sit, squat, or lean against the wall. I couldn’t be reckless. I needed to stay focused. Failure was not an option. I am not a religious man, but I know right from wrong. I know it is wrong to cause, or benefit from, someone else’s passing. But I will not deny that Emilia’s death had freed me in

Joannes Rhino some bizarre way. It felt like the dark shadow that covered my sun had passed, and allowed the light to flood back into my life. It was a brand new day for me, full of possibilities and hope. I had not felt like this in a long, long time. Strange, but comfortable. Everything was peaceful, quiet, and intact. I was in full control, in the silence of this holy night, as I remained hidden in the darkness of the room. There was no sound of the wind, no sound of honking cars or chattering people, no sound of life at all. There was only the melodious beat of my own heart. I squeezed my grip on the club when I heard a knock on the door, followed by the creaking floorboards seconds after. I planned to stick with the same strategy. I waited and held my breath until he crossed in front of the bathroom. I reminded myself not to make the same mistake by killing this guy. He must not die. He must stay alive, hopefully long enough to feel the equal pain he caused me. He seemed in shock as he stared at the masterpiece I left for him, which gave me the perfect opportunity for attack. With half the power, I smashed the back of his head. He swayed for a few seconds and knelt down before hitting the floor. I squatted, made sure his heart was still beating, then dragged him to the side of !228

The Unseen Face the bed. I clenched his fingers around the handle of the knife before I ran into the bathroom and hid the log in my backpack. I then dialed the police to report a murder. When the officer asked my name, I hung up and immediately switched off the phone. For the last time, I examined my artwork. One was bathed in blood atop the bed, while the other was face down on the floor, murder weapon in hand. In less than a minute I left the room, leaving the door locked and the key inside. There was no one waiting at the reception desk. It was truly my lucky day. The door attendant smiled and greeted me at the exit. I walked as normal as I could avoided eye contact. I imagined the police were on the way, so I sped up my step and disappeared from the hotel. I hailed the first cab that came into view, and arrived home within half an hour. I tipped the driver some extra cash for being my partner in crime, even though he didn’t know it. The mission was over, just as I had planned. I left no traces. I had my own alibi. I had nothing to fear. I will sleep well tonight, I told myself. A few days later, I came to Emilia’s funeral. Of course, I didn’t see Adam. My guess was that

Joannes Rhino he had been arrested already, gawking from behind bars like an idiot. However, I tried my best not to look energetic during the funeral. I let people pat me on the shoulder as they sobbed beside me. I acted like I just wanted to be left alone. After the funeral, I went to Emilia’s house. I asked Mrs. Torres’ permission to spend time alone in Emilia’s bedroom, because I needed to be far away from the crowd. I know how girls love to store memories in a journal, diary, notepad, or some form of writing. I was guessing Emilia was an ordinary girl who did that. So, I started to look around and had no trouble finding it. Emilia had left it wide open on the reading desk. I took a quick peek at the final chapters she wrote. She mentioned a lot about the affair she was having, her lost feelings for me, her decision, and other stuff that I wish I didn’t have to know. I didn’t want to take any risk by leaving the diary there until someone discovered it, and linked me to the murder case. Based on such consideration, I took it home with me. I could not let anything drag me back to Emilia’s death. Any evidence of my involvement must be erased. When I arrived home, I put everything about Emilia into an antique box that I found in my !230

The Unseen Face parents room. I stuffed everything inside—the gloves, her photos, the diary, and my notes during surveillance—and buried it six feet under, in the field three blocks away from my house. I threw the log in a pile of rubble in front of someone’s house, and that was it. Mission complete.

*** The following month I had an accident. My bike slid and crashed into a giant tree at a crossroad. My head ricocheted first off the tree, then onto the pavement. As a result I had to stay at St. Joseph Central Hospital for nearly four months. But I didn’t stay that long due to the accident. The accident itself was a blessing in disguise because without it, the doctors would not have discovered the huge brain tumor growing inside of my head. Instead, I would have reached a point of complete insanity until I eventually died. After the brain operation, I was having problems remembering things. It felt like memories had been totally erased from my head. My family helped me get through it. They supplied me with photographs and stories of my childhood to refresh my memory. I gave them a

Joannes Rhino thumbs up for their tenacity, because my memory completely recovered in less than two months, and it seemed as if my life was back on track.â&#x20AC;Š

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The Unseen Face

Chapter Twenty-One ~ December 18, 2009 ~

When you have done something that you cannot take back, something that has turned your life upside-down in a blink of an eye, something that no one could ever forgive, you will try anything to make the guilt go away. You will find the easiest and quickest solution to end the despair. Here I am with the solution, standing on the edge of a skyscraper and dying to breathe, but breathing just to die. My life feels so long and so short at the same time. When I drove through the city this morning and heard the sounds of sirens and alarms going off, I saw the looks of panic on the faces of people I donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t even know. I realized how afraid we all are in this world. Life is so unpredictable and fragile. Weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re only alive one breath and one heartbeat at a time. People often talk about the

Joannes Rhino passion to stay alive, but they don’t talk much about the spirit to die. Death is dark and unspoken. For me, this death is going to be fast. It will end everything. They say, when you are about to die, you will see your whole life flash before your eyes, but there is only Emilia passing through my eyes, lying naked and lifeless on the bed and glistening with blood. I’m still hoping it is just a bad dream that will soon be over, like the dream that haunted me the last two weeks, now almost forgotten. However, this is not a dream. I’m still breathing enough to understand how it really happened, and now every detail strikes me like a lightning bolt. It is brighter and clearer than ever before. I close my eyes, trying not to imagine how messy my body will look down there. I don’t really care anyway. What I care is to end this journey here and now. Do I have any regrets by doing this because of the missing pieces of my memory? Do I waste my twenty-two years of life just by ending it this way? Ironic indeed. Having regrets before you die is ridiculous and embarrassing. I spread my arms like Jesus Christ, though I’m the master of my own crucifixion. Not that I compare myself to the Son of God who was willing to die to atone for all of our sins. No! !234

The Unseen Face Really, I am not. This is nothing, but my selfishness. I have to die to redeem my own sin. Embarrassing, I know. Even in the last minute before I greet the angel of death, I’m still capable of being this selfish. As the cold wind of December creeps into my bones, I can see a vast and endless meadow lying before my eyes. There is no building and no one else but me and the grass under a perfect blue sky. Maybe this is how death really feels. Light, as if all the burdens have been lifted up and all my lifetime sins have been forgiven. It feels so comfortable, so fresh, and so peaceful that I don’t want to look back again. That golden meadow looks too tempting to ignore. I want to go to the endlessness of the universe. My body swings, and I can feel my legs floating in the air. However, I don’t have the guts to open my eyes to see how my body is going to smash on the asphalt road. I just let myself float. Two seconds… Five seconds… And eternity. When I thought it had ended, I opened my eyes. That is when I realized that my body had actually swung back and had fallen onto the rooftop behind me.

Joannes Rhino I feel my body being dragged as I am pulled back from the edge. I am now sinking into someone’s arms. Richard’s face floats above me, and he stares at me anxiously. “Are you out of your fucking mind! What the fuck are you trying to do, man!” “Get off me. You don’t understand!” I shouted desperately. He holds me so hard that I cannot move. “Just tell me. Let’s work this out.” “I don’t deserve to live. I don’t deserve… I killed her. I killed her. I…” I admit before fainting. *** The past, everything that went before, is just like dry leaves falling from a tree, grounded to the earth and crushed by thousands of stepping feet. Now what is left is just the memory of the leaves that will last for eternity. However, what if the memories are too painful to remember? How could anyone deal with the loss and guilt at the same time? How could he pick up the pain and continue to live with such a reality? People always say that time will heal all wounds, but sometimes there is pain that time cannot cure. Sometimes, there are wounds that cut the skin so deep they will never !236

The Unseen Face heal. Sometimes, some hurts penetrate so thoroughly they leave holes in the heart. Sometimes it happens. The two windows of the room are dirty and it smells like piss. I sit in the corner, weak and fragile. Other inmates are busy with their families. Two armed officers are standing at the door. I see myself in this place for the next ten years. I told Jennifer and Richard what I did to Emilia. They were as shocked as I was. So, I turned myself in and came clean. I confessed and described the murder scene in detail. I also explained that Adam was innocent. After less than a month, in consideration of my good intentions, and the testimony from my doctors, the judge sentenced me to ten years in prison without possibility of parole. It was hard, even for me, to understand how a brain tumor can alter an entire personâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s behaviors, their thought patterns, and I lived it. I really think this is the best I could possibly get. Jennifer wanted to hold me before an officer reminded her not to make any physical contact with inmates. Richard just nodded at me. I am really lucky to have those people around me. I would not manage to get through this. I know there is no way of knowing for sure where the most peaceful place is after facing what Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve been

Joannes Rhino through. So, the best I could hope for was to have some good company to get through it. “Are you all right, James?” Jennifer asked, studying my face and making sure I’ve been treated well in prison. “You just visited me two days ago,” I said. “What could go wrong?” “Anything can happen,” she said. “Yeah, tell me about it,” I said sarcastically. Richard slides me a pack of my favorite cigarettes and said, “Come on, man. Give yourself a break. Whatever happened in the past, just let it be. Sometimes, you have to let life turn you upside down so you can learn how to live the right side up.” Richard always knew how to talk in every situation. Sometimes, things happen, and you don’t know why they happened in your life. Now, I have found out that if you want to know the purpose of something, you cannot ask the thing to tell you. A robot doesn’t know why it is a robot. Only the manufacturer knows what it was made to do, and I guess that’s the way it is with us and the universe. The universe didn’t just make me a psycho killer, a selfish lover, or a stubborn friend. Those are just roles I had to take to be a better person.

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The Unseen Face I have learned a lot from this incident. The worst moments of my life are not necessarily about the things I have done. They are also the things that happened to me. It is not that I cannot take action to affect the outcome of my life, but I should never forget that, on any day, I could receive a letter at my doorstep and that my whole life can change forever. The universe always has a plan, and sometimes, that plan is in motion. It is a scary thought, but it is also a kind of a relief knowing that all these little parts of the machine are constantly working, making sure that I end up exactly where I am supposed to be at the right time. I can honestly say that it is a miracle that I ended up in prison, especially when I consider how easy it would have been not to end up here. I mean, when I got the letter from Adam and had nightmares about Emilia, I could have ignored it and lived as normal as I could. Why did I decide to go deeper? There are a lot of simple reasons why the big things in our lives happen. If I had known that all those small things were leading me to this horrible fact, I probably would have dropped it right from the beginning, but somehow, I took my shot and ended up knowing everything.

Joannes Rhino Everything that made me to be nothing. My life will never be the same. I snort and say, “What I did to Emilia is something no one could ever bear.” Jennifer is about to hold my hand, but the officer glares at her not to do that. “We’ve all done bad things,” she replied. “Doesn’t mean we’re bad people. I don’t care about what you did. It’s not who you are now. What I do care about is you, and that from this time forward, you’re in this as much as I am.” “I’m such a mess, Jen. Why do you even stick around?” I asked. She smiled. “I hope that one day you see yourself the way I see you. I love you, James.” “You have no idea how special are those words to me. I love you too, my love.” Emilia. She is my past that I shall not greet, nor love ever again, because she made a shower of blood stain my world. Thus, I am going to leave her unseen in the wonderful place of my heart, for if she greets my silence, I shall no longer feel the love, but hear the sound of music of my dying love. I will let her rest peacefully in my mind and let me grieve the loss of my first love. Jennifer is a new born love. Her faith in me runs deep and is made of nothing but the finest parts of pure love. Her heart is so rich and has !240

The Unseen Face touched my soul so deep to heal the wound inside. I call her the air of life as the moon and stars complete the night. I shall greet the love, and once again, will rise to be the king of my own kingdom. This is where the story ends and starts again with another journey. All that has been lost will never be regained. That stain will always be there, right in my heartâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s core, all I can do now is to make peace with the past and never look back. This is me, trapped within the walls of the outside world. This is my world for the next ten years of life. However, this is not the end of my life. There will be another journey, and this time I will live the best life I can. Believe me. I will.

The Endâ&#x20AC;Š

Joannes Rhino was born in Indonesia in 1980. He was educated at the local state school until graduation in 1998 and continued his studies in Hospitality. He was employed by a financial company in Jakarta when, after feeling unfulfilled by the routine of his life, began writing a novel to feed his soul.’Etzhara’, his first novel, was published by the biggest traditional publisher in Indonesia, earning him a best young writer under thirty title at the Khatulistiwa Literary Awards in 2009. He published his second novel, ‘Dream’, that same year. This second novel made him an overnight success. He received invitations to attend book signings, talk shows, radio interviews, and other literature events. He took a position at a publishing company as Editor in Chief, but his passion to see the world haunted him. He decided to travel to Australia and Thailand for 8 months working from farm to farm, hitchhiking from place to place, and volunteering from school to school. During his journey he wrote two more novels and translated them into English. He is now working freelance as a ghostwriter, copywriter and scriptwriter.

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