The Unseen Face

The Unseen Face

JOANNES RHINO

Copyright Š 2013 Joannes Rhino All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, distributed, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the author, except in the case of brief quotations used in articles and reviews.

Imaginary Press 1233 Pennsylvania Avenue San Francisco, CA 94909 www.imaginarypress.com ISBN-10: 1490433155 ISBN-13: 978-1490433158

Printed in the United States of America First Printing, 2013

CONTENTS 

Prologue

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Chapter I 12

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Chapter II 26

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Chapter III 37

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Chapter IV 69

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Chapter V 83

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Chapter VI

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Chapter VII

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Chapter VIII

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Chapter IX

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Chapter X

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Chapter XI

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Chapter XII

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Chapter XIII

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Chapter XIV

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Chapter XV

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Chapter XVI

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Chapter XVII

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About the author

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If you shut up truth and bury it under the ground, it will but grow, and gather to itself such explosive power that the day it bursts through it will blow up everything in its way.�

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This is a work of fiction. While, as in all fiction, the literary perceptions and insights are based on experience, all names, characters, places and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.

Joannes Rhino

Prologue ~ December 18, 2009 ~ here are those who believe that the world is no different than a huge playground. Most kids surely think so. They believe they can play all day long, laughing and screaming as hard and free as they can, or act recklessly without anyone caring.

They embrace whatever sensation they might get as if anything is possible. When I was a kid, I even believed I could crawl inside the world in my head and live in the pictures of every thought I had. I had no doubt that my world was a magical place to live in. But then, as I grew up I began to wonder about this and thought perhaps that all the fun was actually there because my mind created them. I was the one who poisoned my own brain by saying how wonderful the world was, despite the fact that it was not entirely true, because what I have just seen is far more horrible than I ever thought anything could be.

The world is somewhat strange, I think, because it doesn’t allow me to make my own rules based on how I wish things to be. The world that I live in now is a world where, no matter who you are, your happiness and your survival is based on your sacrifice. And I found out about this recently.

T

-7-

The Unseen Face

Well, here I am, standing rigidly like an icecarved statue under the drizzle of December rain, soaking wet on the concrete rooftop of the thirty-fivestory building where I work. I’m still trying to figure out how I ended up here. The last thing I remember was parking my Ducati at the basement and heading to the office. Everything after that is just a blank. But I guess being here is where the universe wants me to be.

If I want to kill myself, which is what I fully intend, I must have had some solid proof that all the facts are genuine. Assumptions may not be enough to convince me. And if, however, my soul is visibly disconcerted when it sees the climax of the whole story that will give me the evidence I require, I shall kill myself on the spot and then proclaim my reasons to everyone. However, as much as I don’t want to see the evidence, I eventually can no longer avoid the real truth.

It appears to me that I’ve lost the wings to fly over this beautiful world; as if my pen has broken, as if my imagination has been sucked dry, as if the tower of my genius has collapsed. Everything seems unworthy. Everything has broken inside, and it cripples my faith. I cannot stay any longer in this world. Nothing is worth anything anymore. The beauty of this world has been stained by my act, and it breaks my heart.

-8-

Joannes Rhino

My solitude is confirmed when the harsh wind blows me hard and makes the transmitter masts dance on the edge of the roof. A roar bursts from behind dark clouds, like a whisper from the sky telling me to go away from here. But why should I go? I cannot find any reason to stay. Although this heart keeps pounding and racing, the fear of death has left me. It is my destiny to end this journey here and now. I will then concede myself to heaven and repent for what I did to her. I will honor her upon heaven, and will answer well the death I gave her.

I will depart from this earth like an arrow. If I were not falling, I might very well be flying. I will be relaxed, hurtling through the air, comfortable in the grip of unimaginable motion. I will not be intimidated by gravity’s divine suction, or by what awaits me. Although I haven’t chosen this fate that I appear to possess, in this last instant of life, I will embrace it.

My arms are by my side, only slightly outrigger. My left leg is bent at the knee, almost casually. My white shirt is billowing free of my black pants. My black high-tops are shinning like golden armor.

Anyone who looks at me in this very moment will see stoicism, willpower, a portrait of resignation.

But I see myself as something else –something discordant and therefore terrible; free. There is something rebellious inside of me by doing this, as though once faced with the inevitability of death, I decide to get on with it, as if I were a missile, a spear, bent on attaining my own end.

-9-

The Unseen Face

It is a melancholy truth that I pour out this life with sorrow. What should I do about it? I’ve lost every desire to live and to keep on going. I’ve lost the motive and cue for passion in this mortal life. All the passing days are now just like a single breath. If words are made of breath, a breath of life, then I have no more life to breathe. The devils laugh at me everyday for many hours. With scorns they worship each day, for there will be no tomorrow.

I look up at the sky to feel this solitude; to feel this hatred, to feel the helplessness, to feel any thrill that I still possibly can feel. But, there, where I glance, my dear love is smiling from above; I will soon walk closer to her. As the cigar smoke gushes from my nose, I let this face feel the last taste of rain.

I wish the sky would stop crying; stop pretending to pity me. I’m already dead now, as I was before I got here.

Will I be forgiven for my sins? Forgiveness? Is it that easy to wipe out all sins with one-time forgiveness? Will everything be restarted all over again from then on? I really don’t think I deserve such forgiveness. Not for this sin. This is too much to bear, and it seems to me that no one could ever forgive me. Thus, regret? It will not be easy to regret.

What does it mean anyway? What does it mean to regret when I didn’t realize this earlier? What does it mean to regret if I never had a choice to dodge? The door to escape was never there. This is what I was destined to feel, and I shall take out my life from this wound.

- 10 -

Joannes Rhino

A tiny part of my soul is still trying to believe that I still have miles to go, that the journey ahead promises me the chance of full recovery and total cleansing of this sin. But the fact is, my belief of pursuing self purification has become my only devil to beat over the last two weeks. If only I’m allowed to be selfish at this moment, it might be easy for me to bring this journey to its end.

I gasp out of breath while my knees tremble on the edge of the roof. I can hear the beat of my soul pounding weakly and wearily. I spread my arms out and wide. I will soon be traveling at downwards of 150 miles per hour, upside down and frozen, I will fall and keep falling until I disappear. This is the place where I set up my everlasting breath that shapes my body from this world-weary flesh.

Eyes… look for your last. Arms… touch the winds, and grace.

This is it.

- 11 -

The Unseen Face

Chapter I ~ December 7, 2009 ~ his all began two weeks ago when I received a mysterious letter with the initials A.J. on the letterhead. It said ‘I AM INNOCENT!’ written in bigbold capital letters. I didn’t understand what it meant. I thought the mailman had accidentally dropped it on my doorstep. But very clearly, my name and address were on the letter. And the next thing I knew, I started to have nightmares about her.

I cannot describe what happened in those dreams.

They were so nasty, even just to think about. But I’m sure, in real life, it’s impossible for me to do such cruel things to anyone, especially to her, the first and maybe the last person I will ever love.

Ironically, I could not stop thinking about those dreams. I could not make them disappear out of my head. They seemed so real; too real. I always thought that most of the dreams were meaningless.

But this dream was distinctly different. It could have been a sign of something greater or even horrible, I was not sure.

That was the beginning before everything got really messed up.

My name is James Maddox. I was an employee of First Union Bank. People said to me a lot about how lucky I was to get a job in one of the biggest finance companies in the state. Well, as a drop-out high school student, I considered myself lucky indeed. Even now, I sometimes wonder why they hired me for the Online Business Division.

T

- 12 -

Joannes Rhino

That year was my fourth year in the company, and I was still in my comfort zone, although the corporate bureaucracies could sometimes be so frustrating. The fact that the company runs a 24-hour service made me work on shifts. I sometimes had to sacrifice my weekends or holidays to work. It was fun, though. I could easily fit in with the people I worked with and with the job.

Richard O’Brien was one of my co-workers.

He was promoted to the Team Champion Division three months after I joined the company. Actually, my friendship with Richard had begun long before.

He was one of my high school friends, but we both had lost contact with one another many years ago.

He was a senior officer when I accidentally met him in this company, and he became my mentor. He really helped me to dig into the finance industry.

I always enjoy talking with him. He looks at things from a positive standpoint. Whatever topic that’s on the table, he can always find the positive side. He is really good at giving motivation. He is also perfect for heart-to-heart conversation. Richard is the kind of person who is easy to get along with.

It’s no wonder that many higher level managers looked up to him.

When we had the same shift, we normally spent time in the parking lot. We could spend hours chatting and never ran out of topics to discuss. We sometimes flashbacked to our high school days, or shared some issues about work. We also talked about dreams, funny events, beautiful women, our personal lives, and heavy stuff like life beyond this planet, life after death, religion, politics, and anything we could think of.

- 13 -

The Unseen Face

So, there we were, in the parking lot. I sat on the bench and Richard stayed sitting on his black 65 Ford Mustang, eating a burrito. It was between two or three o’clock in the morning. I was not sure because we clearly had lost track of time.

“Well, I admit I’ve never been in the situation like yours. But you gotta move on, man,” Richard said with his mouth full.

Richard was pale-skinned in the flickering light. A small silver crucifix hung from a silver chain around his neck. His fingers were adorned with silver rings. It was a cold night. Richard wore a camel hair overcoat, and I was with my favorite old blue Soviet Navy coat.

“I just feel like she’s the one.”

“Was.” “I know it’s kinda’ sappy.”

“It’s not.”

“But, yeah, I’m gonna say something out loud that I’ve been doing a pretty good job of not saying out loud lately. What you have with your wife, what I thought I would have with Emilia, I want that. I still do. I keep waiting for it to happen, and waiting for it to happen, and…I guess I’m just, um…I’m tired of waiting.”

“You know, James, my wife once talked about her way out of a speeding ticket.”

“Really?”

- 14 -

Joannes Rhino

He was talking while eating. “She was heading upstate to my parents’ house doing, like, a hundred on this country road, and she got pulled over. So this cop got out of his car. He kind of swaggered on over and he’s, like, ‘Young lady, I have been waiting for you all day’. So my wife looked up at him and said, ‘I’m so sorry, officer. I got here as fast as I could’.” He had a piece of food dangling on his lip and wiped it off.

I chuckled. “For real?”

Richard laughed softly. “No. It’s an old joke.

Look, my point is, I know that you’re tired of waiting, and you may have to wait a little while more, but she’s on her way, James. And she’s getting here as fast as she can. Or probably she’s already here but you just can’t see it yet, if you know who I’m referring to.”

“It’s not that easy to let go, you know.”

“Well who says it’s gonna be easy. But c’mon, man, this has been like what? Years? Not that I’m sayin’ it’s not a big deal. I just….”

“It is a big deal, okay?”

“And you know why it is a big deal for you, why you’re not over her yet? It’s cause you can still picture her every time. And you can’t get over someone until you can no longer picture her. It’s scientific fact.”

“Right. And you’re the expert on that,” I said sarcastically.

Richard threw away the rest of his burrito into the bin. “I’m saying that it seems like your hard drive is filled with the capacity of hers.”

“There are lots of them.”

- 15 -

The Unseen Face

“Well they won’t go away until you overwrite them with images of another woman, which again I’m sure you know who I’m talking about.”

I rolled a large joint. I crumbled some skunk between my fingers, then sprinkled it along the length of the paper. I added some tobacco and carefully rolled the paper between my thumbs and fingers several times.

“I don’t know why I feel this way,” I said after licking the gluey side of the paper and rolling it as tightly as I could.

“I think you know exactly why.”

I ripped off a small square from the packet of rolling papers and rolled it tightly into a small cylinder that I carefully inserted into one end of the joint. Richard made sure that I licked the nearly completed joint a couple of times to ensure its entire length is sealed.

“Do I?” Finally, I twisted the open end of the joint and held it at arm's length admiring my good work.

“Are you gonna smoke the fucking thing?”

Richard handed his lighter.

“Easy there, stoner.”

I lit the joint, took several long and slow tokes before offering it to Richard. He, of course, eagerly grabbed at the joint but I jerked it away. I grinned while Richard glared. Eventually, I handed the joint over and Richard drew on heavily. He leaned his head back, enjoying the light headed feeling, exhaled and closed his eyes for several seconds.

I snatched the joint and drew heavily on it.

“Man, it feels to me that it wasn’t her time. She had dreams. She had purpose to stay living.”

- 16 -

Joannes Rhino

“And that makes you have no purpose to live? You too have purpose to stay living, to continue your life. You see, everyone we know will one day be dead. What can we do ‘bout it? Death is the most natural thing there is, and we don’t question it.

Doesn’t matter what we do or what we don’t do. It happens. And it’s natural.”

“Fuck me! Am I in a group therapy now? Are you gonna charge me after this?”

Richard laughed and pointed to the joint.

“Well I accept weed. Now hand it over.”

I handed Richard the joint and he took a long toke until it was finished.

“Look, I know what it’s like to feel sorry for myself.”

“Oh, do you?”

Richard shrugged. “I’m saying in different situation. I used to feel lonely, had no direction, no purpose…”

“Yeah I know, until you found God.” “Until I met someone who showed me something that changed my outlook on the world.

And that person is waiting for me at home this very moment. You see, we all have purposes. Just because you’re facing this shit, doesn’t mean you’ve lost yours.”

Richard shifted uncomfortably on the car and strengthened his seat position. “You know how I used to bang a lot of chicks back in the days?”

“You’ve been sexually active, I know.”

“Damn right I was.”

I snorted. “And now you feel pressured to live up to that kind of label?”

- 17 -

The Unseen Face

“No. That’s the thing. It’s not a label. It’s the thing that I did, which many men might’ve done as well or are still doing it.”

“For sure.”

“But when I got married two years ago, I promised to give all that up. You know, hung up my spurs, put the pony in the paddock, no more chasing and making French wrestling with some chicks I just met at the bar.”

“You might also put it that you made a commitment. Just get me to the point.”

“My point is…I was far more broken than you are now.”

“Right. Banging tons of chicks…broken. I wonder who’s got the real issue here.”

“Whatever. Just look at me now.”

“And what am I looking at exactly?” I raised my eyebrows.

“Look, don’t get me wrong. I’m not asking you to settle down and have kids with Jen. But, Jesus, James, life must go on. You gotta move on at some point cause there’s a whole life before you, a decent and real one, which you are about to lose it.”

“Yeah, guess you’re right.”

“Tell me, what do you think if Jen finds out ‘bout this?”

“Ah, here we go.” My eyes drifted away.

- 18 -

Joannes Rhino

“Look at me! Look at me! Don’t go all Waiting to Exhale on me. Jen is too good for you to lose. She’s the real deal.” He sniffed. “You don’t seem to know what a lucky bastard you really are. I totally understand you have all this overloaded baggage, but I’m pretty damn sure everyone has his own shit to deal with. You’ve just got to look past it cause it’s part of life. And like anything else, it’s easier when you let someone give you a hand with it.”

To be honest, sometimes I found it hard to realize how lucky I really was. I mean, how could I be so caught up in that shitty situation? I’ve been wasting so much of my time to mourn. I should have been more grateful with what I had at that time; a job, health, a social life, a new relationship, and many other things. I was fully aware that time would eventually heal the wound that Emilia had left me with. But, I also could not lie to myself, that I felt still imprisoned in a classic-tragic love story.

Having relationships with girls are not my thing. I was not sure what to call what was going on between me and Jennifer. Love is definitely a strong word. It is nothing more than a fling, I guess.

However, in my twenty-two years of life, I had only ever had one serious relationship, which appeared to be my nightmare until now. It was Emilia Torres who took my heart. She was my sunrise and sunset, my east and west, my winter and summer. The sweetest thing I had ever had.

- 19 -

The Unseen Face

When I first met Emilia in high school, I was completely hooked. She was smart, passionate and driven. Not to mention she had a teen-magazinecover face, a smooth-yellow complexion and a Spanish guitar body shape. She was a ten. She was lovelier than the brightest angel of heaven, if I may say that. She was a got-your-back kind of girl. I did what a good boy would do when he had found the girl he has been dreaming about his whole life. I went all the way. I gave all my heart.

Everything seemed like a fairy tale, and love began to crystallize between us. It felt to me like nothing could separate us, which I was wrong about.

I found out that she was hiding me her disease for over two years. She was suffering from an infection in her brain tissue. No one knew what triggered the disease. It just came out of nowhere.

Once, I heard a radio host asking the question, “Why do bad things happen to good people?”

During Emilia’s weeks in the hospital, I asked that question a lot. I tried to be there for her in every way a lover should. But it just seemed like it was never enough. And when finally the day came, the reality that she was getting worse began to sink in. She passed away a month after. And it killed me. My kingdom of love had fallen apart and has remained like that ever since. But, as Richard said, ‘Life must go on’.

“You know James, I’m sick doin’ Oprah on you every friggin night,” Richard killed the silence.

“I know this thing has been hard on you.”

I snorted. “Tell me about it.”

- 20 -

Joannes Rhino

“And it sucks. I know. But look, sometimes things need to fall apart to make way for better things.”

“If you say so.”

“I’m just saying the eggs were already broken. Let’s just make sure you’re still able to make a very good omelet out of them.”

“So these eggs are referring to my heart?” I smiled.

“Your head, you dumb ass.” Richard checked his phone.

“Got an appointment?”

“I think you might wanna consider talking to someone. Try a shrink.”

“Excuse me?” I glared at Richard. And Richard shrugged.

“Look, you can’t beat the shit out of yourself.

Plus, you’re not making any progress sharing this shit with me. So why not try an expert?”

“Seriously, man? Are you shitting me?”

“You have some serious shit going on, man.

At least do it for Jen. She needs somebody who can tell her that everything’s gonna be just fine.”

“Leave her out of this. She knows nothing.”

“Damn! I feel sorry for her.”

“Why are you always taking her side?”

“Because you’re a bit of a pussy, you know that?”

“Oh? I’m considering going to a shrink, so I’m a pussy?”

“You’re too afraid to let go of the past.”

“You think I like being like this?”

- 21 -

The Unseen Face

“Listen up, man. Don’t bury this shit deeper.

You may not realize how messed up your life is. But then, in time, something will be knocking at you inside and then you will start getting pissed off with everything from then on.

“You know, James, when dealing with deep depression or sad shit, it’s cool to pretend like nothing is wrong. That sometimes works. But eventually, something inside you will call up and say ‘yo, you’re fucked up, dude! You gotta make a change’.”

“But a shrink? Come on. I’m not really that fucked up.”

“You know, James, this is not you. This is not the person I knew in high school. You still remember the first time we met? I showed up at the class and freaked out. But there was this boy, smiling at me with his crazy stare. Had headphones on, humming around people like he just didn’t give a crap. Happy, confident, not afraid of anything. That boy was you.”

“Just so you know, I was stoned.”

Richard smiled. “What I’m trying to say is there’s a version of you without Emilia, and it’s not this. You can’t let her death steal the real you.”

“Sometimes I think I hear her laugh. Then I turn around, expecting her to be there. Silly, I know.”

I smiled with bitterness.

“No. No, it’s not silly. Those are memories.

Memories are what our lives end up being. We gotta hang on to the good ones, and let the bad ones go.

Never let ‘em haunt us.”

- 22 -

Joannes Rhino

All the way home, Richard’s voice kept screaming in my mind like a broken record. I really didn’t intend to follow his advice because for me it was the same as claiming to have a mental disorder. I thought everything was still under control. What is the big deal about psychiatrists anyway? Is there a guarantee that the problem will go away if I share with them? Do they have special abilities to solve this kind of case? It’s all about talking and sharing, isn’t it? So, what difference will it make? That kind of skepticism kept poisoning my brain.

I had just crossed by Mitchell Street when I remembered my school was not far from the tunnel.

And of course, thinking about it stimulated memories of the old days in high school which were all about Emilia. I actually didn’t want to think about her. But the fact that I had to pass this route every single day made it impossible not to. Ironic, indeed.

Time seemed to no longer exist whenever I daydreamed about Emilia. Without my realizing it, my Ducati turned into an alley where I found a minimalist-style, ancient house with a black-painted fence. Some of the houses nearby looked dark, probably because during holiday season most people travel. I looked at the yellowish white building in front of me and realized that even though it seemed ugly, it was the place where I had lived for the past eleven years. There was still a sense of comfort every time I set foot in that place. Maybe that was why they said ‘home sweet home.’

- 23 -

The Unseen Face

I imagined my sister, Jasmine, sleeping with a blanket hooded over her from head to toe. My brother, Aries always fell asleep on the couch, and my parents were probably on their bed with Vicky, their lazy terrier dog, lying somewhere near them.

Honestly speaking, I did that quite often; picturing the situation inside the house. For nearly five minutes, I could usually manipulate my mind into seeing it, before it all came apart when I realized there was actually no life inside the house. Literally no life. My mother passed away five years ago, and my father a year after. They both suffered from an unknown disease. Even the doctors only mentioned ‘complication’, which is still a big giant ‘why’ for me.

After the death of my father, my brother rarely went home. For no reason, he became very busy. For him, the house was no more than a place to dispose of his dirty laundry. To be honest, I had not seen him around for months. I always wondered what he was doing. Meanwhile, my oldest sister, Jasmine, got busy with her own world. Two years ago, she married her former boss, and had a baby boy. Having a newborn child was her excuse for not seeing me every single day, and I found that reasonable. The last time she visited me was last year. That was because I called to let her know that Vicky had died.

So, there I was, standing alone in the dawn, playing with my mind. Home sweet home. It was a bit awkward saying that. However, the place was a witness to the fall-downs during the last eleven years of my life. There were many stories, so much laughter and so many tears inside that dull-looking building. Somehow, that was a home for me.

- 24 -

Joannes Rhino

When I laid down on the couch, the time on my phone showed a half past four in the morning. I made a huge mistake by looking at pictures of Emilia, which were stored in a folder on the phone.

Seeing those made me feel like slicing my veins with a knife then putting salt on them. I might not have been dead, but it was surely killing me. And, the weird thing was, I kept on repeating that stupidity almost every night, as if somehow the pain gave me strength to keep going.

At the time I thought, what does a day mean without thinking of her? The earth could shake the sun and kill the moon and still not bring me such a life in this world. Yes, I know how pathetic it might sound. And if somehow that is a curse, then let it be my sweet damnation because heaven had made me such a loving man. I swore in faith. It was strange; it was pitiful, but joyful in some ways. I loved her for the pain I felt, and I did pity them. That was the only witchcraft I have ever used.

As the last cigarette burned out, the day ended; with plumes of smoke in my lungs, crystal pains in my heart, and an emptiness inside the house. Lying on the bed, I looked at the artificial stars on the ceiling and let the darkness accompany me. I imagined myself lying peacefully in a vast expanse of grass, enjoying the beauty of the night. I felt the breeze pampering me; caress my face with a sweetness touch until I fell asleep.

- 25 -

The Unseen Face

Chapter II

I

t was not the alarm that woke me up. It was not the ring of my cell phone or the coffee’s smell either, like it is in the movies. And it was certainly not a gentle kiss on the lips which Emilia used to give me in the morning. It was a dream.

I sighed helplessly and was relieved it had ended. However, my brain was still fresh enough to respond to all of the screams in the dream. I vividly remembered Emilia lying naked on a metal table, lifeless. A man with no face stood beside her with forceps and a surgical knife clutched in his hand. I dare not confess what happened next.

I had that kind of dream for days, and my soul was wounded every single day. It was not just the part of seeing her in such a tragic condition and that I was not able to do anything, but it was seeing her again; that made me love her even more and also tore me apart, for I had to suffer more. Thus, should I sleep no more? Or should I force myself to understand what was behind this puzzle? Was it even worth knowing the truth? Or by knowing the truth, could it give me the hope that I could not have before? Why the dream appeared, I could not say.

- 26 -

Joannes Rhino

I always considered that my day began from the moment I entered the 26th floor where I worked.

And unlike any other day, the greeting I received was not ‘welcome aboard’ or ‘how are you today’.

Instead of getting any of those rhetorical phrases, someone snapped and wildly pointed at me by saying, “This is the guy!” I honestly didn’t know what happened or what I had done. So I stepped back and put on my innocent face as a cover, while people started looking at me as if I was the most wanted fugitive in the building.

They dragged me to the most horrible place on the entire floor. Right at the end of an alley, an incredibly fat woman was already standing there with hands folded across her chest. She reminded me of my math teacher in middle school. He always folded his hands like that before slapping my hands with a rattan as a punishment for not doing homework. Remembering the traumatic experience, I was wringing my fists, just being precautious in case a similar incident happened.

Her name was Mrs. Riana Amelia, but better known as ‘The Queen Bee’. I wondered who dared to give her such a nickname. She was a late fifties widow with no children, barely smiled, and had no sense of humor whatsoever. She was exactly the picture of an unattractive and unqualified kind of person that from birth had been sucked up by an arrogant attitude and made people like me an easy target to aim at. People like her are everywhere, sitting with the most entitled leadership and operating some sort of engine with power as the fuel.

That was the kind of person I was about to face.

- 27 -

The Unseen Face

I tried to smile and half-bowed, acting as if I was her loyal servant. She eyeballed me to confirm her cruelty. I dared not look at those sharp eyes. So I faced the floor.

“James,” she said shortly.

“Yes, Ma’am.” I gave her my best innocent face.

“Are you an idiot or what?!?!” She slammed a document onto the table and grabbed a seat for herself. I heard the chair squeaking, screaming in agony because of the weight. “This is the second time in a month!”

I still had no clue as to what I had done. My innocent face now switched into Tom Hanks’ idiot face in Forest Gump. My lips still locked down and my tongue swallowed. I didn’t know what I was getting into.

“You’ve been workin’ here for like, centuries.

I know. So how could you make this kinda’ mess?”

She faced to the computer at her back and her fingers started dancing on the keyboard. “This customer, ring a bell?”

I bent down, squinting. I saw my banking transaction ID popped up on the screen, and I knew exactly what it meant.

“How on earth have you withdrawn two grand deposits without any confirmation?”

Shocked? How could I not be? I could not even believe I had done such a stupid thing. But I obviously, for some reason, had.

- 28 -

Joannes Rhino

“Do you realize how this affects to this company? We lost almost ten grand cause of this shit. Not to mention the customer works in a law firm. Now he is suing us with numbers that you don’t even want to know. So tell me, how do you respond to that?”

“Um…sorry?” I was still displaying my Forest Gump face.

“Sorry, huh? And you think sorry can fix all this? You are really something.”

“Um…is there anything I can do to fix this?”

“Well you can always pay the company’s loss, can’t you? I don’t know what I’m gonna do to you.”

“It won’t happen again. I can promise you that.”

“This is your second error this month. How can you be so sure?”

“I promise I’ll do my best.”

“That’s not enough. I need no words. I need a guarantee.” She turned back to the screen and her fingers danced on the keyboard. “I don’t wanna be considered as a cruel person, but I gotta make sure you won’t make any kinda’ error in the future.”

The printer machine buzzed on the table, and a sheet of paper slid out before she handed it to me.

“Sign there. This’ll be your last warning.”

- 29 -

The Unseen Face

It was a warning letter. And all the sadness turned my Tom Hanks act into Leonardo DiCaprio in Romeo and Juliet; completely lost of hope, knowing his lover is lying in a coffin. The warning Letter was not just a piece of paper containing my company’s final warning. It also meant that I was not entitled to receive any monthly bonus.

“I believe you can do better than this,” she continued the lecture. “But you have to start thinking that you are necessary, like me. You see, this company needs me cause I’m necessary in this office.

People wanna live like me, having expensive, elegant cars, big houses and all the fancy stuff. The only reason that I get to continue living like a king is cause I got my fingers on the scale in everyone’s favor. If I take my hands off, well then everyone on this whole fucking floor will get really messed up and nobody actually wants that. It’s cause I am necessary here, and you need to do the same so people will look up at you.”

I honestly didn’t know what she was bragging about. I suddenly felt so sick. Both of my eyes spun around and a horrible headache started crawling inside my brain. So I quickly signed the paper and left her office with no words.

- 30 -

Joannes Rhino

It was unquestionable how I felt the rest of the day. I could no longer focus on anything in front of me. Every half hour I asked permission to leave the room. I was too fed up to deal with anything. I just wanted to get the hell off of the 26 th floor. This was why I maximized my eight o’clock break wisely.

I needed to be alone, and the perfect place I had in my head was the rooftop. I always went there every time I needed to think or do some emotional management. I made my way over.

The place was no different, just like any other helipad. City lights, transmitter antennas and of course, the sky. However, fortunately, it had lots of things to keep me entertained. I could enjoy the beautiful sunrise along with the sweet gig of sparrows in the morning. In the daytime, the sun appeared awesomely gorgeous. Even when the sky was overcast, I could still enjoy a bunch of dark clouds covering up the horizon like an alien invasion.

The sunset was the main course; when the sun laid down on the yonder west of the horizon, and the warm wind blew so fine while a flock of birds flew over and pierced the clouds on the fading sky.

So, there I was, alienated and I momentarily sunk into misery.

I lit up a cigarette and sat on the solid cement holding both knees, staring at the sky. Millions of glowing dots accompanied me. The honking cars down there honked a good rhythm.

“Figured you’ll be here.”

- 31 -

The Unseen Face

Someone approached from the only entrance of the rooftop. I knew it was Richard. He was the only person who knew the place. We sometimes called the place ‘The Chamber of Secrets’.

“Nobody’s perfect. People screw up once in a while.” He sat next to me.

“Yeah.”

“So, warning letter, huh?”

“You had to remind me of that?”

Richard smoked with his distinctive style; creating bubbles of rings from the smoke. “Well, you deserved it.”

“Gee, thanks a lot, man.”

“Just saying you need to be more focused on paper and try to take your current responsibility seriously.”

“Shit man! You sound like The Queen Bee now.”

“Listen, nothing that I say will make you feel any better. This thing is gonna suck for a while, and then you’ll be fine. But for what it’s worth, I’m sorry this is happening to you.”

“At least I’m not getting fired.”

“You could ask for some nice cash to walk away if you are.”

“Shit! This is seriously gonna screw everything up.”

He shrugged. “Welcome to your life. So tell me, what happened?”

“Just having one of those days.”

“I wasn’t talking ‘bout work. But, dude, come on, what’s really happening to you, mentally?”

I snorted. “You’re even worse than the fat lady down there.”

- 32 -

Joannes Rhino

“I know this is nothin’ ‘bout you being too dumb to make the same shit in the same month. We both know what is this all about.”

“Well tell me, what’s this all about? You seem to know better than I do.”

“It’s her, always ‘bout her and nothin’ else.”

“This has nothing to do with anyone, okay?”

“Ah, c’mon now. Stop doing that.”

“Doing what?”

“This! This denial thing!”

“I’m tellin’ you. This is something else.”

“Yeah, like what?”

“I don’t know, man. I feel like a lil’ bit off track these days. Something’s bothering me, and I don’t know what it is. But it’s definitely not about her.”

“You know, James, I don’t wanna be rude.

I’m just gonna be honest with you cause there’s a lot on the line here. You are a bit of a pussy. You don’t have the guts to admit your own mess.”

“No shit.”

“I mean, when you met Jen, I really thought you were finally gonna stop whining ‘bout Emilia and start being happy. Instead, you’re giving Jen a hard time. How can you possibly manage the relationship you have with her? How can you stay in a relationship with somebody while you’re still incapable of being happy?”

“You’re saying my relationship is falling apart and my job is on the line because I’m not happy?”

- 33 -

The Unseen Face

“There’s no walking out on this. You must stop running. For once in your life you’re gonna see something through, and that’s for the best.”

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

“Life doesn’t always turn out exactly like how you planned it. So many things that you thought were the most important in the world, well…they turn out not to be. But sometimes it turns out to be even better. And at this point, you just don’t see it yet. You know…there’s a reason why Jen came along. She’s the one who’ll help you get through this.”

“I’m thinking of leaving her.”

“Wh…are you nuts?” Richard glared in shock. Even in the dark, I knew exactly the look on his face. “You’re a stupid prick if you really dump her.”

“Hey, I need some space, alright? It’s not like Jen and I are going somewhere.”

“You think? Shit man! If you think you need some time off with her, just say so. I’m sure she’ll understand.”

“I stopped calling her.”

“Dude! Come on, that’s fucked up. You can’t leave girls hanging on the line like that. This shit is gonna come back on you.”

“Yeah? How’s that?”

“Until you are right to her, everything you even think about is gonna fail.”

“I told her I have some projects to deal with and not gonna be available for a while.”

“And what’s this project again? Tell me, how long has it been since you told her all that bullshit?”

“A week now.”

- 34 -

Joannes Rhino

“A week?! Jesus! Did she try to contact you?

Oh yeah, of course, you ignored her, right? Sent you a text – delete! Left you a voicemail – delete! You got mail – delete! You’re a smug dumbass motherfucker.

You’ve found yourself a great girl who loves you.

Fuck if I know why. She supports your work, puts up with your sorry-ass bullshit schedule, and you fuck her up like that?”

“It’s not like I dumped her already.”

“You owe Jen an explanation and an apology.

You know what? This Emilia’s issue is dragging you down, man. And you’re taking Jen along. This is exactly why I was asking you to see a shrink.”

“Ah, here we go.”

“You need to take some serious shit from someone who is an expert on this kinda’ thing.”

“And you think talking to a psychiatrist will put everything back on track?”

“At least you’ll get a picture of what has caused this in the first place.” Richard got up. “I hate seeing you like this. And as a friend, I beg you… please see a shrink.”

“I’m on a tight budget now in case you forgot. I can’t afford the counseling.”

“Just so you know, my brother in law is a psychiatrist. I can hook you up with him. Just sleep on it before you say no.”

“I’ll think ‘bout it, okay?”

Richard dropped the cigarette and stepped on it. “In the meantime, please don’t do anything stupid. You don’t wanna do something crazy that you can’t take back. Now, you take that from me. I know.”

- 35 -

The Unseen Face

“You leaving?”

“Just taking a short break. I’m gonna bounce now.”

Seconds after Richard left, I started picturing myself sitting on the couch, being interrogated with an old man, continually disturbing my personal life, circling around with the tricky mind games to make me feel like the victim of my own errors. And then, just with words, he would magically pluck away all the chaotic thoughts in my head, erase the written troubles of my brain, and, with some sweet oblivious antidote, cleanse the perilous which burdened my head all this time.

Did I even consider that I had such a disease?

Did I ever, in conscience, think that there was a thought that abused my soul in such a gross kind?

Why did I even think about that? There was no such doubt in my head that I was losing it. Or, by doing what I was doing, did it mean that I was in self denial?

- 36 -

Joannes Rhino

Chapter III

T

hat night I decided to go straight home after work. No chitchat with Richard in the parking lot this time. I’ve had enough hearing his classicdramatic consultation idea. I arrived home early and relaxed on the couch for quite some time. As I peeked outside and felt the cold of December, I saw no twinkle in the sky. It was so dark. I barely saw anything. It felt like there was no life out there. It was only absolute silence. But I guessed that silence was probably what I needed the most. I needed to be drawn into the blackest of the quiet night.

Shall I go to bed now? Today was a rough day, I admitted. But the night was still so young, and I was not ready to face the terror of my dreams just yet. To be honest, I was not grieving about the warning letter anymore. In fact, I really didn’t care if I got fired. However, what was really troubling me was what happened inside my head. It felt like something was battling around inside it, and I didn’t know what it was fighting for. It seemed pretty messy, and I feared the cursed thoughts that nature gives way to in repose. Thus, I spoke to the yet unknowing world, of how these things came about.

- 37 -

The Unseen Face

I drank a lot until I finally blacked out. Last time I checked, there was an empty bottle of scotch lying on the table. I was not sure what happened afterwards. The next thing I knew was the cell phone ringing, and it was drilling my eardrums, vibrating my eyeballs. As I rolled over to answer it, I felt my stomach twisting and screaming. I fell to the cold floor like a water balloon full of slummy-toxic liquid.

“Yo dude, you’re up?” Richard’s voice broke through my head skull like a bullet.

“Whatever you want me to do, not game for it.” I was still having a hard time covering the blinding sun. I just wanted to go back to sleep.

“Drop by my place. Let’s just chill.”

I slouched back on the couch. “What do you want, man? Can’t you just stop pulling my leg for a day? It’s my day off for Christ sake!”

“Just get your ass here! Stat!”

“Yeah.”

I really didn’t want to argue much longer. I just hung up the phone while Richard was still mumbling. I didn’t care. Fuck him! I have every right to do whatever I want on my day off. As a result, I slept until three o’clock in the afternoon. And again, I woke up because of the blaring sound from my phone.

“Someone’s been busy I suppose.”

The voice seemed familiar. But for no reason I still needed to make sure. And I was right. The name ‘Jennifer’ just flashed out on the phone screen.

“Oh hi, um…how are you?” I panicked, as if she just caught me in bed with a girl.

“How are you??? Really? That’s the best line you can come up with?”

- 38 -

Joannes Rhino

“Um…sorry. I just…um….”

“Yeah I know you got caught up with work, doing stuff, busting up. But hey, I’m still here in case you didn’t notice.”

“It’s not that I forgot you or anything.”

“Well you could at least text me. How hard could it be?”

“Communication has always been the problem, right?”

“Among other things.”

“Like what?”

“Doesn’t matter. I just…well lately, I feel like you seem so difficult to get along with. And it’s like you’re doing it on purpose. I mean if you’re having a rough day, I understand that. Just don’t pull away from me.”

“I’ve been busy, Jen. I have some projects to take care of. I told you, didn’t I?” “You did. But you seem to just disappear, and it’s frustrating me thinking of not knowing what the hell you’re doing out there.”

“I’m not cheating on you if that’s what you wanna know.”

“You’d better not be.”

“Even if I was checking out other girls, you were still on my mind.” There were a few seconds of silence before I realized what a stupid joke that was.

“I am kidding. Loosen up.”

She snorted. “Bad timing.”

“My bad.”

“James, I really want us to be like a normal couple. And I need your help on this. Talk to me. I still have the right, don’t I?” - 39 -

The Unseen Face

“Listen, let’s not discuss this over the phone.

I’m free today. Let’s meet up and talk ‘bout this.”

“I’ll be home around seven. You have a lot to tell.”

“I’ll be there.”

I took a deep and long sigh; I didn’t know why I felt so relieved. But seconds later, a massive wave of guilt struck me. I felt like cheating on her in a very odd way. I guessed Richard was right in one point. I should’ve come clean about my feelings about Emilia. Jennifer had the right to know.

I noticed two missed calls from Richard and still didn’t have a clue what he needed from me in such urgency. And I was going to find out.

It was nearly four o’clock when I left the house, and the sky appeared unfriendly. It looked dented, like a soft gray sack waiting to tear apart by an unstoppable amount of water. The wind was blowing hard and rustling. Yesterday’s forecast predicted that today was going to be rainy. I guessed I had to take the risk and go out.

Richard’s house was about twenty miles from where I lived. I had to face at least three busy roads before I could drive into the shortcut of a local village. It was very quiet and I could not see a single soul. Some houses were wide open but no one seemed to be around. From a distance, I could hear hollow voices of doves screeching to kill the silence of the area.

- 40 -

Joannes Rhino

After less than ten minutes, I turned my scooter back to the main road. Enough of the bumpy road, I thought. Cold winds suddenly squeezed into my coat. I noticed the sky was darker and looked threatening. I knew it was only a matter of time before the giant dam of the sky collapsed. And believe it or not, just when I was thinking of it, the rain greeted me as if to grant my wish. It was dripping and crackling sporadically but then it got really hard, with the cool grains, almost like hail, bubbling in the glass of my helmet along with the smell of soil. I made a quick stop under the first tree I saw to put on my raincoat. I was already halfway to Richard’s, and there was no way to bail out.

Within in the next half an hour, I finally arrived. Richard’s house was small and was designed in a minimalist modern style. I noticed a red sedan parked outside the gate and wondered who might be visiting him. Richard was sitting on the porch, smoking, when I entered the gate.

“I told you to come earlier.” He smiled seeing me soaking.

I left the gate half-open as I hung the raincoat on the pillar. I could feel my whole body shiver. I tried to imagine myself lying in a warm bathtub.

Didn’t work. The cold kept crawling all over my skin.

“This better be good.” I approached him.

“It is.”

- 41 -

The Unseen Face

Richard walked in to get two cups of hot tea.

Someone was tailing him from the living room; late forties wore a sports jacket with the sleeves rolled up and a plaid scarf around his neck. His crew-cut hair, tall and burly posture made him look like a soldier.

His dark eyeballs framed in brown-stemmed glasses, contrasted with his skin. He then grinned, and tried to communicate with me.

“James, this is my brother-in-law that I was talking about,” Richard introduced.

The man looked at me very carefully, as if trying to find the missing part of my body. “Jonathan Glockman,” he stretched out his hand toward me.

“James Maddox.”

“You’re soaking. You need to change into something warmer?” he asked politely.

“Oh, no, no, I’m good.”

He sat. “Just make yourself comfortable.”

Richard placed the tea on the table. “Listen guys. I’m gonna leave you two alone.”

“What the…? I just got here, and you’re leavin’?”

“Well I gotta pick up my wife. It’s nearly five.

You know the drill. Besides, I’m sure you guys have a lot to talk about.”

“Are you kidding me?”

“I’m not.” He winked at me before leaving the porch.

- 42 -

Joannes Rhino

That was really a set up, a brilliant one. I could kill Richard for that. I Obviously had no intention of staying any much longer. I had to leave with whatever believable I could think of.

Unfortunately, the rain got harder and harder.

Thunder struck almost every five minutes. It seemed impossible to ride in such horrible conditions. So, there I was, stuck with a psychiatrist. I got a feeling that it was going to be the weirdest consultation session ever.

“So, you’re Richard’s co-worker, huh?” He offered me a seat right beside him.

That sounded like a trick question. I was well aware that all words from a psychiatrist must be considered as a serious threat. I knew how these people work. It was all about words and reactions.

From now on, I have to take full caution with everything I say and do.

I answered him with a simple nod as I took off my jacket and sat. I tried my best not to make eye contact or create any suspicious movement that would stimulate him to strike me with another tricky question.

“You’re working on shift too?”

“Last time I checked.”

“You enjoy working flexible hours?”

I shrugged. “Relative. Depends on the job.”

“I’m getting the impression that you don’t like working there,” he assumed.

“I didn’t say that.”

“Well you didn’t have to. So tell me now, why are you staying there if you don’t like what you’re doing?”

- 43 -

The Unseen Face

I sniffed. “Like I have another choice?”

“Sure you have. There are lots of jobs out there. All you gotta do is simply pick one that suits you best.”

“I’ll keep that in mind. Thanks for the advice.”

“What jobs are you really into?”

I lit up a cigarette to build my confidence.

“Any job, as long as it is stress-free.”

Dr. Jonathan laughed. “Who doesn’t want that?”

“There you go. Glad we have something in common.”

“But still, we must step on ground. We both know that stress is everywhere and happens all the time. It could be in the form of a family problem, financial issues, or any kind of personal matter that potentially causes stress. So it’s not always entirely about the job that triggers the stress.”

I kept silent, I didn’t want to interrupt. He quickly sipped his tea before continuing his thoughts, “Jobs have never been a major factor in the emergence of stress. Based on my experience as a psychiatrist, stress usually comes from personal issues. Do you agree on this?”

“Totally.”

“What about you then? Is it really the job that makes you stress or personal things?”

I flinched. I didn’t remember mentioning anything about my mental state in this conversation.

The guy was really good.

“Do I look stressed to you?” I laughed as a diversion.

- 44 -

Joannes Rhino

“I can’t tell. Even if I say you are, well that’s just my assessment, which is not always entirely true.” A brief pause and a thunderous roar, interrupted before he continued, “I don’t have the right to make a verdict on someone’s mental state if that person insists on feeling the other way around.

Now, don’t you think?”

I shook head. “I honestly don’t know.”

“It’s pretty much just logic. No need to know about the medical stuff to understand this.”

“Look, whatever Richard told you, I’m perfectly fine. Okay?”

“He didn’t tell me anything. In fact, I thought he was the one who needed to talk. He called me this morning, asking to have a non-formal consultation.

Well, here I am. Do you feel uncomfortable talking to me, is that it?”

“Um…no offense, I just feel a bit weird sharing my personal stuff with someone I hardly know.”

- 45 -

The Unseen Face

“None taken. But you see, I’m the other way around. I mean, I prefer to share my personal problems with strangers. And you know why?

Because strangers can give me some input from a neutral point of view. See it this way. If you share with…let’s say close friends, they’ll give you full support about any of your problems because that’s what friends do, they are the safest place you can go to. But you see, sometimes sharing with friends won’t do any good to overcome the problem because they’re not being objective. They would never hurt you by telling the truth, which can be dangerous. We need to get a proper judgment of any situation we’re facing.”

“Didn’t you say that the best judgment came from inside the person, not others?”

“I did say that, and it’s true. But sometimes strangers can also be a consideration because they tend to speak their mind, not their heart. Honest with nothing to lose, that’s what strangers are.”

I guessed that was the main reason why psychiatrists charged quite expensively for a session of consultation. They had some sort of magical ability to make their words not only heard by people, but also even obeyed.

“Just some advice, try to open up to strangers.

You’ll be surprised what they’re capable of regarding solving your problem.”

And that was it. I felt hypnotized. And something inside me seemed just to open up after hearing those words.

“You see doc…um is it okay if I call you doc?”

“Sure.”

- 46 -

Joannes Rhino

“Okay. Well you see doc, I’ve been feeling like something’s wrong with me recently, but I’m not quite sure what it is.”

The doctor moved the seat closer, and stared at me intently. “Can you be more specific? What do you mean by wrong?”

I looked at the ceiling, as if an answer was waiting for me up there. “Um…it’s pretty much like missing or forgetting something but you just don’t know what.”

“How long have you been feeling like this?”

I tried to flash back, but was unable to recall.

“It’s been a while.”

“Does this affect any part of your life? I mean what you do everyday.”

I remembered the warning letter I signed yesterday. “Yeah…sometimes, guess so. I mean when I’m doing something, my mind seems somewhere else.”

“Lost focus?”

I nodded, but hesitated. “Um…yeah, but again, sometimes. Not all the time.”

“Do you ever have a problem that has kept bugging you until now?”

“Not that I’m aware of.” I avoided eye contact.

There was a short pause. Dr. Jonathan seemed to be analyzing. “Have you ever lost consciousness?”

“Like fainting?”

“More like blacked-out. Like you were suddenly in a place and you didn’t know how you got there. Like you totally forgot everything you did in the last few minutes or so.”

- 47 -

The Unseen Face

“Like memory loss?”

“Well you can say that, but it’s not simply just amnesia we’re talking about here. Let me put it this way. It’s like there’s an empty gap in your memory that you can’t recall, but you know it’s there. You know for sure this empty gap stores something important, which could be events, people, things, or anything.”

Exactly! I screamed to myself as I nodded.

This guy was good.

“How often do you feel this?”

“Um…not sure.”

“Sorry to ask this, but have you ever experienced anything bad during your childhood?

Child abuse perhaps, or anything that could trigger excessive and continual stress?”

I shook my head firmly. I had no trouble remembering that my childhood was fun. Like any other kid, I played a lot, was grounded for not doing homework or skipping classes, got into a fight, and any other normal activities kids do. I could assure that I was doing fine back in the day.

“I don’t know what you have in mind, doc.

But whatever it is, it never happened to me.”

“So, do you agree if I draw a conclusion that the issue you’re facing now is not some kind of a childhood trauma?”

“Absolutely. That has nothing to do with it.”

“All right.” The doctor stroked his forehead.

“Do you have trouble sleeping?”

“Not at all. I sleep late, very late. But it’s okay. I sleep enough I guess.”

“Talking when you’re sleeping, or even sleep walking?”

- 48 -

Joannes Rhino

“I don’t know where this is leading to, but I don’t have such problems. At least no one ever complained ‘bout my sleeping habits.”

“Do you hear voices in your head?” he kept on analyzing.

“You mean like my own voice, subconscience?” I giggled a bit.

“I mean like someone is talking from inside your head.”

“Doc, I know I have an issue, but I’m also well aware I’m not insane. At least not yet.” I laughed.

He just nodded, and continued the list of questions in his head. “Do you use drugs?”

“I did a lot of blow in high school. Do you think that could have...No, that wouldn’t have anything to do with it.” I shook my head.

“What makes you so sure?”

“Cause it was like ages ago. It was a high school thing. You know, just for fun. I mean who doesn’t, right?”

“What made you quit, or who?”

“Myself.” I grinned.

“Seriously?”

“Um…well actually my ex.”

“Now that’s an honest answer.”

“I’m a hundred percent clean.”

“What about drinking habits? Do you have a problem with alcohol?”

I remembered an empty bottle of scotch lying on the table in my living room. “I know my limit. Is this going somewhere?”

“Are you rushing for something?”

- 49 -

The Unseen Face

I checked my phone. I had to be at Jennifer’s around seven. It was almost six, and I had to make a move. But somehow, I felt like being chained to this chair. It was not because of the rain anymore.

Perhaps the only reason that I still found it hard to accept was the fact that I truly was enjoying the conversation with this guy.

“I just….well actually, I am. But after this rain.”

“Better so. Not safe to drive in this condition.”

“Tell me ‘bout it.”

“So where were we?”

I shrugged. “Alcohol I guess.”

“Right. So tell me, how would you describe a forest?”

“Hah?!? How does alcohol have anything to do with a forest?”

“It’s related.”

“How so?”

“You’ll find out. Well? Forest?”

When I thought about a forest, images of a huge-dark-scary place flashed in my head. “Um…a forest is um…I don’t know how to describe it. It’s like what it is.”

“Which is?”

“Um…” “Okay, try to put it this way. Let’s say I’m from outer space and I don’t have a clue what kind of forest you have on earth. So, how would you explain to me?”

- 50 -

Joannes Rhino

“Well obviously it’s a huge place with lots of lush trees and wild animals. And um….what else?

It’s um…dark…um…kinda scary if you’re alone.

Um…well that’s pretty much it. So, do you get the picture now, creature from outer space? Or do you still need it to be more specific?”

“If you still have something in mind, go ahead.”

“Nope. That’s about it.”

The doctor nodded and examined my explanation. “And if by chance you’re in the forest you’ve just described and by yourself, how would you feel?”

“Um…afraid? I mean who wouldn’t, right?”

“You tell me. You see, this is not a right or wrong question. No need to bother thinking about the right answer.”

“Well I honestly would be depressed to stay there.”

He nodded. “It’s a good thing that you’re aware of that.”

I frowned. “I don’t think I’m following, doc. I can’t even see any connection between this forest thing and my mental state.”

“You see, the forest is just a parable of your current state of mind. It explains the fear that haunts you, and how you keep running away from it. I can tell that you’re unhappy with your life in the time being.”

- 51 -

The Unseen Face

Happy, I asked myself. I felt that I just heard a word with no meaning at all. Strange. Empty.

Somehow I lost that word somewhere behind. There was no such vocabulary in my world at the time. It didn’t exist anymore.

“Happiness is a strong word, doc,” I stared blankly at the cup of tea.

“It’s a simple word. So, are you?”

I became silent and lowered my head.

“Listen, James, whatever issue you’re having now, whatever problem that makes you unhappy, running away is not and will never be the solution.

You must fight it one way or another.”

“I couldn’t agree more. But the thing is I don’t even know what I’m dealing with. I don’t know why I feel this way and what the trigger is. So, what should I fight then?”

Dr. Jonathan changed his mind and put back the cup on the table. “In my professional opinion, what you’re having now is called dissociate disorder.

In general, this can be defined as the loss of some or all of the normal integration under conscious control, which may include past memories or sense of identity and control of body movement.”

I froze, unable to understand a word he was saying.

“In short, it is a sudden change of consciousness that affects someone’s memory and identity.”

“And you think I’m having this ‘whatever’ disorder thing?”

- 52 -

Joannes Rhino

“People with this disorder are usually unable to remember some important events in his life, intentionally or out of his mind’s control. In some cases, they are able to forget their identity for quite some time. And, in the worst case, they can even create a new identity.”

I was still gawking; I refused to believe the explanation, or was I simply in denial for having such a mental illness. I was still fine and perfectly sane.

“There are several levels of this disorder,” he continued. “Dissociate amnesia is the very harmless level, which means the loss of memory after stressful incidents. The next level is depersonalization disorder, a condition when ones’ perception or experience has a sudden change. Then there’s dissociate fugue, a memory loss that triggers a new identity. The most dangerous level is called dissociate identity disorder, a condition when someone has at least two identities that can easily switch to fit his ego of current situation.”

He paused and waited for my response. But my lips were sealed tight. “The good news for you is you’re still on the first base. And this wouldn’t be a problem if you addressed this issue properly,” he said, trying to calm me down.

“Um…multiple personalities, huh?” I started to wonder.

“Don’t get panicked there. What you have is still harmless and curable.”

“So, what should I do now?”

- 53 -

The Unseen Face

“Well you should share more often, and you can start with me. You see, someone who’s affected by dissociate amnesia disorder is unable to recall some important personal information. As I said, it normally happens after stressful incidents or traumatic events that he has experienced.

“The symptoms are quite varied, like excessive sadness or emptiness that can indicate coexisting depression which comes from an emotion from a past traumatic experience. Another symptom is hallucination, like having an unreal perception of people or objects around. And there’s also memory loss or light amnesia to a certain incident at a specific time period. Tell me if you’re not having any of these symptoms.”

I wanted to say no, but instead my head went up and down like a hydraulic chair. “I have unreasonable sadness once in a while.”

“Only once in a while? You sure? It’s important for you not to deny it. Admit everything, then it’s going to be easier.”

“Okay, it’s quite often.”

“Alright, so the next step is to find the source of the problem because there must be something that triggers it.”

I nodded as I lit up a cigarette. I had no comment. I was just going to leave it to the expert.

“As far as you remember, what’s the saddest incident you’ve ever experienced?”

My brain ran wild and locked in a period of five years behind. It was when I lost my mother and Emilia. So I thought, what could be worse than losing the people you love the most in the same year.

- 54 -

Joannes Rhino

“Um…when my mom passed I guess,” I finally admitted after a few moments of silence.

“Sorry to hear that. When was it?”

“2004.”

“And how are you holding up?”

I sighed. “Well…time will eventually heal it, right?”

“You mean you haven’t moved on?”

“Oh, I have. And it wasn’t easy, I’m telling you. You see, doc, mom was like the bridge for me to communicate with my father and my siblings. And when she was gone, I felt like the entire family tore apart. Everything seemed different. I found it unbelievably hard to fit in.”

“And you went all the way down until you got depressed. I know.”

“I admit it was a tough year. Everything was so messed up. And what made it worse, I faced another loss in the same year. My ex.” I took a long sigh and tried to look strong. “She died due to an infection in her brain tissue.”

“I don’t know what to say. I truly am sorry.”

“Well that’s life. Death is just a part of the wheel. And we just have to accept that, don’t we?” I heard my voice trembling.

“Was she the one who stopped you from taking drugs?”

I nodded. “To be honest, doc, I was fucked up. I was really in too bad a shape to understand why it happened. So I decided to look for drugs or alcohol and treat it as the solution.”

“Did it help?”

- 55 -

The Unseen Face

“Not even a bit. I mean people always say it helps, that it can put away the pain for a while. But that’s bullshit. It got even worse. That was when I decided to stop.”

“And how did you overcome the pain then?”

I went silent and peeked at my life over the past five years. But I found nothing. I only saw myself with no emotion during that period of time. I was like a piece of meat, ran by some machines to keep me alive. Everything seemed stagnant, with no emotion involved. Soulless.

“As I said, time will eventually heal everything,” I broke the silence.

He nodded. “The only thing that can really heal a broken heart is time. But have you reached this time yet?”

“Well Richard believes I’m still drowning in the memories of her.”

“You think?”

I shrugged. “Have no idea.”

“You know, some of my patients admit that they are sometimes caught up in denial when facing serious problems.”

“I’m not in denial, if that’s what you’re trying to say,” I protested. “I’m fully aware of the problem.

I um…I just can’t figure out why this has happened to me.”

“Means that you’re still unable to accept the loss, the reality. And you’re just going to keep on doing this. Keep yourself busy with activities as a diversion from the problems. That’s called denial.”

- 56 -

Joannes Rhino

“Well I’m not.” My fingers started tapping the table. “I know I’m still having a hard time dealing with this loss. But what else can I do besides leaving it this way? I know I’ll get through this someday. But just…not yet.”

“And every single day you’re just going to keep saying that. You have to know that you’ll never get to someday if you don’t fight it now.”

Dr Jonathan looked at my hands, and I stopped tapping.

“And what should I fight against now?”

“Yourself. As the first step, you have to accept the laws of nature.”

I rolled my eyes. “That death is a very natural thing. I know.”

“Good to know you’re already aware of that.”

“Yeah, I get that a lot.”

“We live in this world based on definitive laws, and death is one of them. There is no immortality for sure. You must accept that statement and understand that pain is just the process of a natural fact in life that we can never avoid.”

“Easy to say. But in reality, emotions will make the most part of the game.”

“This is why you must take control of your emotions. You can start by changing perspective.”

I wrinkled. “You mean?”

- 57 -

The Unseen Face

“The ability to see an incident from different perspectives can be very beneficial. Why so? It’s because when problems occur, our perspective on the subject can sometimes be very cloudy. We focus only on the problems, which make us emotionally unstable. This can lead to self-exclusion, which actually makes the problems seem worse. When things like this happen, my opinion is to start looking at the problems from a wider angle.”

“Tell me then, how can I find any better perspective of my problem? From which angle should I look at this problem?” I got a bit confused.

He smiled, whatever that meant. “The way to change this perspective is to realize that you’re not the only one who faces these sorts of problems. You have to think that many other people are dealing the same case, or even worse.

“It’s not easy, I understand. It’s hard to control the mind when problems seem so overwhelming. But I’m sure, if you can make a comparison in seeing your pain with others, something good will happen inside you.

“If you look closely at the problems, they’re just going to get bigger,” he continued with a pragmatic attitude. “If you force yourself to focus on them, your emotion will take part and become uncontrolled. However, if you compare your problems with other bigger problems, they’re going to get smaller and disappear without you even realizing.”

I cleared my throat. “Look at the bright side for every problem. Yeah, I get it. But what if I still can’t find the best perspective, even if I’ve tried?”

- 58 -

Joannes Rhino

“Try harder. Use the most effective way, but reasonable.”

I put out the cigarette in the ashtray. “And what if it still doesn’t work?”

He shrugged. “Well…you can always erase it.

Just simply delete all the bad memories out of your head, like what you did.”

“Huh?” “Makes sense, doesn’t it?”

“What do you mean? I didn’t erase any of my memories. I still remember everything,” I protested again.

“You should know that sometimes the mind can play tricks on you. There’s always a possibility that the mind behaves as your emotions tell you. It convinces you to believe that whatever memory you have now is real.”

“Hold on a sec, doc. You’re telling me I’m making this up?”

“There is one fast way to find out. Hypnotic therapy. Your subconscious will respond to the actual memory.”

“But you also have to be fair ‘bout this. I mean we both know it’s possible that you can put anything you want inside my head when I’m under.”

“That’s true. Such malpractice really happens,” he conceded. “That’s why hypnotic therapy is a choice. And I will never run this kind of therapy without agreement from both parties. It’s your call now. No need to make such a rushed decision about this.”

“I think I’m gonna pass.”

- 59 -

The Unseen Face

I felt that my shirt was getting dry and unpleasant smell was coming from it. It was a mixture of sweat, perfume and wardrobe fragrance materials. I grabbed my phone out and checked the time. It was already a quarter past seven. Damn! Time flies. I must get out of here.

“Um…listen doc, I gotta go now.”

“Don’t you want to wait for Richard?”

“Don’t think so.” I got up. “Thanks for the chat, doc.”

“Anytime. And if you ever feel like continuing this conversation, let’s say in a formal session…”

“I’ll tell Richard.” There won’t be a next session, I said to myself.

“Please do that.”

I quickly grabbed my raincoat and jumped onto my scooter without any bother of looking back.

It took me almost an hour to arrive at Casablanca Apartments. And yes, once again, I got caught up in the rain. Was this some sort of premonition that my day was going to get worse? I dared not to think so. I parked my scooter in the basement while thinking of the best excuse I could come up with. I noticed Jennifer tried to call several times when I was still on the way. She also left me a question mark message on my phone. She was really pissed.

An old woman kept staring at me in the elevator. She was about to say something when the door opened on the fifth floor. Jennifer’s room was at 52B. I tried to manage my emotions and prepared for the worse before entering the war zone.

- 60 -

Joannes Rhino

“Hey, sorry I’m late,” I greeted as I stepped in.

Jennifer threw her phone to the couch and stepped closer. “I thought you were gonna bailout and come up with excuses.”

“Do you want me to?”

“Doesn’t matter. Just go clean up.”

I walked into the bathroom and felt the cold begin to crawl all over my skin. The only thing I needed was to jump into the hot tub as fast as I could. I poured half a bottle of organic bath oil -a mixture of the scent of pine, cardamom, and gingerinto the hot water.

As occasionally happens when we allow ourselves to be starved just to enjoy the taste of food, so is the pleasure of lying in a hot tub after rain bathing for hours. I groaned out of relief, let my body slide down until my face was floating above the surface of scented water, and stayed there for several minutes, like a crocodile wallowing in a hot pool.

“Wear this.” Jennifer left some dry clothes on the toilet seat.

She was smoking on the balcony when I finished cleaning up. I remembered she decided to quit smoking months ago. For whatever reason, I honestly didn’t really care.

“Hey, you’re smoking.” I stood in the doorway of the balcony.

She gave me a quick glance before she faced back to the never-ending rain. She was wearing a tight shirt with sexy pants. As I walked closer, I noticed how smooth her skin was. She was smoking hot indeed.

- 61 -

The Unseen Face

“So?” She raised her eyebrows.

“Um…I thought you quit.”

She snorted. “Like you even care.”

“What’s with the attitude?”

“Why? Does it piss you off?”

I shrugged. “I guess.”

“Then yeah, I think I’ll keep this going.”

“Look, I’m sorry. I know that...”

“What is it that you’re sorry about? Is it about a week without even saying hi, or about you being so late because you had to see someone?”

I sighed. “I stepped over at Richard’s. And it’s raining, for Christ sake.”

She smoked with her typical ‘don’t touch me’ high-class style; one arm held lightly around the waist and the other arm across the chest with a cigarette clamped between the fingers. Under the dim light, the tip of her cigarette was glowing red but then vanished with no trace.

“Oh, James, I don’t know what to say. You always do this. And I’m sick of your excuses.”

“Feel free to ask Richard if you don’t trust me.”

“He’s your friend. Of course he’s gonna stand on your side.”

“Ok, fine. I deserve this. But look, I’m here now and I miss you.”

“Is that before or after I called you?”

“I wish you didn’t see it like that. I mean, I didn’t try to ignore you or anything.”

“Oh yeah? Then why did you do it? Don’t give me that ‘I have some projects’ crap, because I don’t buy that.”

“I know how this looks to you.”

- 62 -

Joannes Rhino

“Oh yeah? How this looks to me?” Jennifer just gave me a look. “You know, James, it feels me like you’re creating a distance. I mean, even when you’re here now, I don’t really feel like you’re really here. You’re somewhere else. So, tell me, is it me?

What’ve I done to deserve any of this? Just tell me, James. I need to know how to deal with all this.”

“Listen, Jen, this has nothing to do with you.”

“The fact that you just disappeared for a week has everything to do with me! How can you possibly say it’s not?”

“I am truly sorry.”

“You know why I run away from shit all the time? Cause I don’t trust anyone. If I’m going to stay, if you want me to stick around, I need to know the truth. Not just what you think I can handle. I need all of it. It’s the only way I’ll know if I can do this.”

I tried to make eye contact. Instead, Jennifer put out her cigarette with rain drops and stepped inside to the kitchen. I followed her and made myself comfortable in the living room. A few minutes after, she sat beside me, holding a hot cup of tea.

I watched and studied her up-close as if I was doing a research of physical human body in a biology lab. She astounded me. I almost forgot how beautiful Jennifer was. And I was such an idiot when to not realize this. Look at her. Her smooth lightbrown skin wrapped up that perfect body. Her exotic dark-brown hair framed that tiny, cute looking face.

Her bright blue eyes and the erotic lips could shame all angels of heaven. Shall I speak more, or shall I pity myself realizing these facts?

- 63 -

The Unseen Face

Born in Hamburg twenty years ago, Jennifer Ashlee Smitz decided to continue her study in the states two years ago. Her father was German, while her mother was a former Thai model back in the day, which explained the exotic look of hers. My relationship with Jennifer began in cyberspace. I remembered Richard forced me to register at bestdating.com, and I stumbled onto her profile.

Long story short, we met and went on a date. One nightstand led to a month nightstand. And there we were. I was still unsure what to call this relationship.

She actually could be the best antidote to my previous loss. Instead, I kind of used her as a rebound. Sounded mean, didn’t it?

Jennifer sat with both legs bent under her, and intended to keep a distance from me. “So? Do explain.” She stared at me intently, waiting for my response.

“Oh…um…” But I totally lost focus, staring hungrily at her.

She clasped her hands together and gave me a look. “Well?”

I shook my head, trying to focus. “Um… things happened at work.”

“And?” She put the teacup on the table, and brushed her hair up before leaning back on the couch. I saw the veins of her neck and the strands of her hairs falling over her shoulders. So sensual. I didn’t feel like continuing the conversation.

“I um…I got warning letter.”

“What did you do?” She backed into upright position.

- 64 -

Joannes Rhino

I looked at her, precisely at her breasts. Then my eyes crawled down all over her. A sudden sexual desire exploded inside me. I glanced at the television and managed my emotion.

“I miss-processed some transactions, which of course the impact of it adds to the company loss.”

“Well that’s shitty.”

“Yeah, tell me bout it.”

Jennifer slowly moved toward me. “Are you okay?”

I shrugged. “I’ll survive.”

“I’m so sorry to hear that. Is there anything I can do?”

I raised my left arm; gave her a signal to lie down on my chest. “I just…I’m still angry with my boss. I mean this isn’t fair for me. Two lousy mistakes and I’m entitled to a warning letter? That is sick! Doesn’t she even notice I’ve been bustin’ my ass day in and day out for the past few years? It feels like she wants me to play the good boy so that she can pretend that I give no contribution to the company whatsoever.”

“I know how you feel.”

“And tomorrow, if she’s in a bad mood, she’s still gonna continue to crucify me for being too reckless. The part that sucks is, if she’s in a good mood, she’s gonna find any way to mess with me and laugh at it until she pisses her pants cause I’ll look like the biggest pussy for not speaking up.”

“If you feel the need to speak up, do so.”

- 65 -

The Unseen Face

“Ah, it’s useless arguing with her. I think I’m just gonna take the fact that my glorious days in that place are now behind me. Just like Neil Armstrong, I went to the moon and came back, but nobody gave a shit the years after.”

“Which leaves you two options, find another decent job or try to make peace with the situation you’re facing. Really simple, you know.”

“Yeah, that’s my story.”

“Sorry for having doubts about you, James.”

“It’s no one’s fault. We’re just being human.”

Jennifer leaned on my left shoulder while her hands held my waist tightly. I felt her heart-beat steadily. Meanwhile, mine was not so friendly. My emotions were running wild inside me. I felt relief – that was no doubt, and I felt fear as well for giving her too much hope in this relationship. Furthermore, there was also love involved, which I was sure it meant this was not mean to be. I realized that eventually she had to know the fact. But not that night. The moment was too perfect to spoil just for an old wound.

“Anyways, how was your day? Uh, I mean your week?” I smiled.

- 66 -

Joannes Rhino

“It’s been okay. Nothing big. But um…you know, there’s actually something. I mean, I don’t know if this means anything, but I had the weirdest dream last night. I was driving, and I knew I had a passenger, but I just can’t remember who. It was a highway and there were no other cars, but whatever, it was a dream. All of a sudden, I saw you, James, on the street. You were just standing, in the middle of the highway, like you were ready to get hit. So I stopped and I started yelling. I got out and I tried to get you outta the way, but you kept pointing to something in the bushes. I let go and I went to check it out. But when I turned back, BOOM, you were gone. Then I woke up and called you.”

“It’s just a dream. I’m not leavin’ if that’s what you’re afraid of.”

“Hope so.”

I leaned back comfortably, enjoying the vast stretches of silence in the room, and glanced toward the balcony. The incandescent lamp outside illuminated raindrop silhouettes in the glass window. Thunder flashed occasionally and left white shadows in the window like a ghost. The muteness of angry nature outside created an intimate atmosphere on the couch. I imagined beams of wood burning in the chimney beside the television, and the candles spread around the room made it perfect. In my mind, I could even hear classic, romantic music played on a British gramophone record.

“You hungry? Wanna order…”

“No, I’m okay, thank you, though.”

- 67 -

The Unseen Face

“I’m starving. I could eat a friggin horse. I think I’m gonna order pizza with extra sausage, pepperoni and cheese. Yeah, that sounds good. I feel like I haven’t eaten in days. You sure you don’t need anything?”

Jennifer moved slightly on my chest, and looked at me closely, “James.”

“Yeah?”

She looked into my eyes, willing me to read them, so she would not have to say it out loud.

“Promise you’ll be careful with my heart.”

I looked at her and almost felt the tears well up in my eyes. How could I ever have a thought of leaving her? Oh God, what have I done? Did I create a beautiful, caring, loving person into a monster? As perfect as Jennifer was, why was not she enough?

Was it because my heart was still in love with another beauty? If so, does every love contain such a violent manner towards others? It should well build such a gorgeous tower of hope. But that was way too much, too complicated and stressful. And why then could not I kill that unusual love? Or was it the past memories that I worshipped so much that bedraggled my soul with blood? Was my heart still in love with these memories? The more I tried to kill the more I loved. The more I embraced the more I suffered. Oh, how long will I mourn this heavenly gift of love?

- 68 -

Joannes Rhino

Chapter IV

H

er naked flesh lied motionless on the table. Eyes closed and face pale. I wished she had just fallen asleep. A person, in a long white robe, approached lightly to the helpless body. He held a scalpel and a metal clamp. I wondered what he was going to do with it. I tried to look at his face, but I could not move. Seconds later, blood was everywhere; splashing on the table and slowly dripping onto the cold floor. I could smell the sudden scent of blood fill the room, bursting so warm and copiously. But the weird thing was, I could not feel any emotion at the time. I was soulless.

The man bent down to grab a sheet under the table. I looked at the poor girl, or what was left of her body. Her stomach torn apart, and it seemed like some of the organs inside had been removed. Blood kept on dripping out of her flesh. In a normal situation, I should’ve felt nauseous and dizzy witnessing this horrific scene. However, then, I just could not feel anything.

The corpse wrapped tightly from toe to forehead. I could see a few strands of hairs were sticking out of the sheet. Then, the executioner stepped back slightly, looking at his work and embraced the satisfaction of seeing the corpse wrapped perfectly. He turned around showing me his masterpiece. But when I tried to catch his face, I felt my body lift and float in the air before being slammed to the floor.

- 69 -

The Unseen Face

I gasped as I crawled back onto the bed. I hoped Jennifer was still asleep. I tried the best I could to move quietly, and reduce any suspicious movements. I didn’t want Jennifer to wake up and find out about the dream I just had. I was in no condition to explain.

I lied steadily on the bed, hands folded over my stomach, like a relief of a knight crusader on the headstone of a tomb. I could not sleep anymore, nor pretend that everything was okay. On a scale of one to ten, what I had just witnessed was equivalent to a meteor hit. It might not have been my first time experiencing such a harsh dream, but it had definitely torn me up.

I gazed at the ceiling as my mind flew back to the nightmare. It tormented me. However, in a very bizarre way, it filled me with passion. Was it just lust running wild inside my sub-conscience? I didn’t understand what kind of phase I was facing. I didn’t know why the dream kept haunting me. I was not an expert on the subject. I just hoped that it didn’t mean anything.

The clock beside my bed pointed at four in the morning, and I was too sick dealing with my own thoughts to sleep. So I slid off the bed. I needed to take a shower. I hoped that would calm me down.

“Going somewhere?” Jennifer was still halfasleep, but noticed me.

“Nowhere. Go back to sleep.”

- 70 -

Joannes Rhino

I took a quick shower, and really hoped that Jennifer had already fallen back to sleep by the time I had finished. I didn’t feel like talking to her. Not now. Not after that dream. But when I stepped out of the bathroom, I saw her sitting on the bed, covering half of her body with the blanket. I realized how sexy she was. I could feel that she was teasing me with that pose. In a normal situation, I would jump on the bed and wildly make love to her passionately.

However, this was not one of those situations. I lost my sexual desire.

“Did I wake you?” I took off the bathrobe and put on the clothes.

“You leaving?”

I heard some sort of disappointment in her voice. I wished I had gone earlier so I didn’t have to face this awkwardness. I guessed that was the normal protocol to avoid potential conflicts in the morning. I should’ve done that.

“It’s nearly five. You need to prepare yourself, don’t you?” I stepped closer to the window and opened the curtain. It was still dark outside.

“Really, James? You’re leaving because you think I need to dress up early? Do you even realize how silly that is? You know damn well I always go to work at eight, and it’s not even five now. I still have hours to prepare. But look, if you’re really want to leave, just leave. I won’t stop you.”

“Did I say anything about leaving?”

- 71 -

The Unseen Face

I climbed back to the bed and lied down. I tried to close my eyes and pretended to sleep, but the picture of Emilia’s blood bath kept bugging me. It haunted me, and made me feel very uncomfortable.

My forehead wrinkled as I rolled my eyeballs.

“Are you okay, James?” Jennifer had obviously noticed my anxiety.

I stared at her. “Go back to sleep, Jen.” “Am I making you uncomfortable? Is that it?”

“What is wrong with you?”

“What is wrong with me? Shouldn’t I be the one who’s supposed to ask you that?”

“I’m just trying to get back to sleep, for God’s sake.”

“There’s somethin’ you’re not telling me. I know. What is it?”

“Drop it, Jen. Just drop it.”

“See? You’re still doing this. You’re blocking me out.”

“I just had a nightmare, okay!” I snapped as I got up off the bed.

“What’s with that tone?”

“Well you started.”

“Oh, so this is my fault now? I’m not in a position to ask you this sort of thing? Am I a stranger to you that you don’t even want to consider sharing this with me?”

I stepped over to the window. “Listen, Jen, it’s not you okay. I just…I’m still a bit upset ‘bout the dream, that’s all.” I really tried to calm myself down.

I didn’t need a fight to start the day.

“I just don’t get it, James. Why is it so hard for you to open up?”

- 72 -

Joannes Rhino

“I’ll tell you. I just don’t feel like to talking ‘bout it now.”

“And when is that’s gonna be? A week from now? A month?”

“Just not now, okay? The day hasn’t even started yet.”

“Does it matter?”

I shook my head and began to feel a little headache. “Now’s not the perfect time. Please understand.”

She snorted. “Like God knows when is gonna be perfect for you.”

“Look, I’m so dizzy right now. Can we just drop it?”

I glanced out the window, and it was pretty messy out there. The rainstorm was destroying some signboards and trash was splayed all over the street.

Not to mention the flood spread on most of the main roads. I didn’t even dare to think how the traffic would be within the next few hours. However, some people were still doing their normal morning activity as if nothing had happened. I saw a woman jogging by two men and one of them made a catcall. The woman turned around to flick them off and then continued to run. One of the men smacked the other in the head and then they started to fight. There was also a man walking drunkenly with a bottle in his hand. He was yelling to the sky searching for any bright light from behind those dark clouds. Perhaps the only thing that looked bright in his eyes was coming from my apartment’s room. At that point, I pictured my room looked like a flying saucer floating above a dead town.

- 73 -

The Unseen Face

I glanced at Jennifer’s reflection from the window glass. “Tell me, James, who am I to you? Am I just like any other girl you’ve met, you slept with and you left the next morning? Am I nothing more than a sex body?”

“God! How can you say that?”

She looked at me deeply. “So please, tell me what happened with you. I don’t want whatever it is, to ruin us.”

There was something about Jennifer’s personality that sometimes messed with my mind.

She could be a super sensitive, aggressive and possessive kind of person. But at the same time, she also had this ability to make me feel so guilty. I was fully aware that she had every right to know what kind of terror I had faced over the past few days. I just could not spill out everything at the time.

“It’s falling apart out there. Floods everywhere. You don’t want to be stuck in traffic.”

“Don’t change the subject.”

“Jesus, Jen! It’s just a fucking nightmare, okay?”

“Hey! Don’t use that word at me!”

I sighed. “It’s just a nightmare, and I don’t feel like talking ‘bout it now. And when I say not now, it means not now.”

“I don’t know, James. I’m really trying to get into you. Not just the perception of you, but the real you. I hope you can fix this.” She got up and power walked to the bathroom.

- 74 -

Joannes Rhino

I had a rough and awkward morning forcing Jennifer to decide to leave her apartment early. After bathing, she prepared everything in an instant. She even skipped doing her make-up. The whole room turned to a dead silence now, and it continued until I literally felt the incongruity of the morning’s atmosphere like a solid wall. The intimacy between us was no question. It flew up like a shadow in the dark. It was one of the most unpleasant scenes that I had tried to avoid to begin the day. I really wanted to hold her tightly, kiss her deeply and tell her that everything was going to be just fine. But that surely would be a total lie if I did so.

Within the next hour, I arrived home. I remembered Jennifer still had not said a word when leaving me in the basement. She just jumped in the car and left, didn’t even bother looking at me. I could tell how upset she was. But I just needed a little time to cool myself down. Indeed, that sounds so unfair to her, but it was the best thing to do at the time.

I glanced at the dark sky, and guessed the rainstorm would haunt me for the rest of the day. It was nine o’clock when I entered the house. I took a long deep breath and greeted the emptiness of the spacious room inside. I was the only living soul in the place.

- 75 -

The Unseen Face

And, with such hollowness, the screams of my nightmare were beginning to make some noise and tried to steal away all my thoughts. They were coming so fast this time, barely unseen. And I was so powerless to fight them. I could not resist them from invading my head. I dared not admit to my own soul that I was terrified, but I actually was. I was dreaming of an eternal thirst for freedom.

Had my soul been crippled by the dream? Had the devils in my dream silently taken away my insanity? If they had not, why had they left a deep scar inside in my waking life? Should I then ignore them for a while, and let them control every thought I had in my sleep? Should I fear?

My soul was torched by every sleep, and for that, sleep was opposing me from felicity in life while I was awake. I should not sleep to breathe, but should continue to sleep to find the answer. Should I surrender then, and be greeted the terror of my nightmare? Even my sweet-beautiful Emilia could never redeem my curtain of sleep. But the frame of her beauty caused me more grievances. I would rather be in fear than in tears. And in the affliction of those terrible nightmares that moved like a ghost, I spoke, ‘Come nightmare! Come visit me once more! I’ll greet your horrific acts!’

Sometimes minds behave as if they were dreams.

Faces show up and they can be very blurry, just like my dreams. But I just don’t know why they keep happening. Had my life become so paved that it had forced me to create a tragic event in my sleep? I was dying to find the truth behind this, but was too afraid to know the answer.

- 76 -

Joannes Rhino

What kind of man was I to fear the night?

Even when I lay on my sweet pillow-bed, the obscure birds clamored the livelong night. The owls lamented with tears tormenting of fresh morning dew. Thus by accents terrible of dire combustion and confused event I say, ‘the night has been unruly. It is feverous and does shake.’ Neither the whole plan changed shape nor the world was out of joint, the cursed spite resided simply in the fact that I was too infected with the diseases that deplored to set them right without disaster and delay. What was the point of all of this?

Had I doubted the authenticity of what the dream wanted to tell me? And why then did nothing of anything in the dream make sense? For me, being like that was prison.

I left home at three, and it was a little rainy.

So I put some spare clothes in my backpack just for in case. I arrived at the office half an hour earlier, and decided to have a quick smoke in the food court. I really needed to think.

So many things had happened only in a week, and I wondered that I might be the one who pulled out those problems to the surface. I had tried to stay calm, managed my emotion and controlled my thoughts. But they seemed useless. I felt like being beaten up with hands tied. I did nothing but greet the pain.

- 77 -

The Unseen Face

How could all this begin? What stimulated it all? And the nightmares…I didn’t know what to say.

Perhaps the characters I had seen in my dreams were my devil inside. And it had enough power to attack my weaknesses, and abuse me about the fact that I was still in love with Emilia. Or perhaps, out of melancholic truth, the devil was trying to help me wake up by killing the memories of her. Or, maybe, it simply wanted to damn me with all these.

Excitement? I don’t think I have any now. I had lost all my mirth. It was all dead; I had let it sleep for a while until everything had ended. But what if were my own hands that had actually created this in the first place and I had not realized it yet? If so, was there not enough rain from heaven to wash this mess and leave it as white as snow? And so what did I have then? I just knew that from that time forth, my thoughts would be worth nothing.

“There you are,” Richard greeted me from behind my back.

“Well, well, look who we have here. A back stabber.”

He smiled approaching me. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Oh, this is so you. Playing innocent and all of a sudden I’m stuck with a shrink.”

“Oh, that. I didn’t know you were talking about that.”

“Sarcasm is not helping.”

“Well sarcasm is my second language. And since you didn’t understand my first one, I thought this might help.” He laughed.

“Gee, I should be grateful having you around.” I sneered sarcastically.

- 78 -

Joannes Rhino

He sat facing the counter stall. “So, how was it?”

“How was it? I’ll tell you how it was. Now I’m officially mentally ill. Thanks to you.”

“Anytime man, anytime.”

“You’re a douche.”

“I’ll take that as a compliment.”

“Crazy.”

Richard lit up a cigarette and got distracted when a waitress set the plates down on the table next to us. I stared hungrily at the pancakes that she served, stacked with strawberries on top and whip cream in the shape of a smile. Richard stared hungrily at her with a wide creepy smile.

I glared at Richard. “Dude, really?”

“Can’t help it, man. So, what did he say?”

“He claimed that I might have some sort of mind disorder.”

Richard looked back at me, and smiled. “Well you do.”

“He even asked me to describe a forest. I mean how stupid is that?”

“Well that’s what they do. They use confusing lines to analyze a problem.”

“Even when it’s not related to the subject?

Come on.”

“Give him some slack, man. The guy knows what he’s doing.”

“And what did you tell him exactly?”

“Nothin’. I just asked him to step over, and that’s it.”

“You’re full of shit, you know that?”

He laughed. “So, when’s the next session?”

- 79 -

The Unseen Face

“Who says there’s gonna be another session?”

“I say so. Look, you need this, man.”

“I’ll tell you what I need, a hot coffee with two sugars, stat.”

“Right away, sir.” Richard waved his arm.

“What are you doing? I was kidding.”

“I’m looking out for you, man. It’s my treat.”

He winked.

I snorted. “Yeah, right.”

The waitress stood next to me. “Can I help you with something?”

“Yes, you can help me for sure.” Richard winked at me again. “I need two hot cups of coffees, please.”

“No, no, just him. I’m good.” I said to the waitress.

“Okay, one hot coffee. Anything else?” She wanted to note the order, but changed her mind.

Richard threw a creepy smile at her. “That’s all. I got a feeling this is gonna be the best coffee ever.”

She glared at Richard and walked off.

Richard stared after her. “Man, I would love to stick my hot dog into that fine…”

“Dude, really?” I gave him an incredulous look.

“What? You telling me you wouldn’t?”

“Whatever.”

“You surely have some issues, man. And tell me again, when’s the next session?”

I sniffed. “There won’t be any.”

- 80 -

Joannes Rhino

He grabbed out his phone and started to text a message. “You’re unbelievably stubborn. Did no one ever tell you that? Now here’s the deal, I’ll arrange your next session. How’s tomorrow sound?

Say after lunch?”

I chuckled. “Wh…what? No! Hell no! I’m not even sure I’m free tomorrow.”

“Too late. I’ve just texted Jonathan that you’ll be coming tomorrow at one.”

“Ah, damn you technology!”

“I’ll text you the directions when I get home.”

“So, have you finished your shift already?”

“Yup, six to three for the next couple of days.”

I looked at the rain. It got harder all of a sudden. I barely saw anything across the street. The rain was like white stripes of waves pouring without regret from the sky, or like some channel interference on an old black and white television.

“How’s The Queen Bee’s mood today?”

“Big case going on, and she’s really pissed with anyone. You really don’t wanna mess with her now.”

“Ever.”

“Anyway, why did you leave so early?”

“I had to meet up with Jen.” “And?” “And what? We had a fight.”

“See? This is going deep, man.”

“I know.”

“Don’t tell me you didn’t apologize for not calling her.”

“I did. I came up with something.”

- 81 -

The Unseen Face

“Which was?”

“Not important. But you see, the thing is… there’s another thing.”

“What you mean there’s another thing besides Emilia’s issue?”

I sighed. “Long story, man. Can’t tell you now. I gotta bounce.”

“Yeah, go ahead, run, like you always do.”

“I don’t wanna mess with The Queen Bee, do I?” “You better prepare your story. And it better be good.”

“It’s a good one, I can assure you of that.

We’ll talk later.” I threw my cigarette into a puddle near me.

“Don’t forget your appointment tomorrow.”

“Yeah, right.”

When I stood up, I accidentally banged my knee against the table and stumbled into the waitress, who made a surprised sound. I excused myself and power walked leaving Richard and her.

- 82 -

Joannes Rhino

Chapter V

I

looked at the text from Richard over and over again, agitated. I knew precisely the place written, about ten minutes from my office. This was nothing like attending a job interview, but I definitely felt anxious. All kinds of psychiatric illnesses sporadically invaded my brain. I could imagine myself growing a split personality.

What is happening to me? I kept repeating the same question. On the glass table in front of me, I saw the reflection of myself and started picturing another personality of me in another human form. I didn’t want to appear like Jekyll and Hyde, but I was starting to feel that way. And this other part of me was so rude, so obsessive and more unpredictable.

In my sanity, I thought, I might need that kind of personality. I wanted to be rude to people who were always giving me a hard time. I wanted to have an obsession in life to make my days colorful and worth living. I wanted to be spontaneous, to get surprises and to thrill my stagnant emotions. I just thought it was quite reasonable if I wanted that devil to be inside me too.

Shall I worship the devil then? What for? To bring some wild laughter in the throat of death? My painful soul can’t be cured by their acts, and my memories of joy surely can’t move a soul in agony. But be still my beating heart with all the written troubles of my mind.

- 83 -

The Unseen Face

I sighed and felt sorry for myself. I didn’t want to pity my life. I made all the choices, no one or nothing else. Though I still refused to admit it, I actually needed to share this problem with Doctor Jonathan. He might help me. I must end this! I said this confidently as I put out the cigarette in the ashtray.

That night, my dream appeared to be like a cheap science fiction movie. The scene was set in a place somewhere in Africa, after the rebellion took control of the government. There were two armored vehicles parked outside a vast land. Numbers of armies with machine guns were patrolling in the area. There was a long line of people waiting at the entrance of a vault building. They were being searched and getting X-Ray scanned before stepping into the building. They looked so hopeless. I guessed they were fully aware that they would be dead in any minute. This is going to be the next Holocaust, that’s what I thought. However, even when I knew that the line was heading straight to hell, I slowly shuffled and jumped into the queue.

An officer ordered me to get inside, but I didn’t see anyone inside the building. And, while I was wondering where those people disappeared, I finally realized that the dream was no different than the nightmares I had been facing the nights before. I stood firmly in the corner of the room, glaring at Emilia’s lifeless body being torn up on the table. I knew exactly what would happen next. Even worse, I could not shut my eyes. These eyes seemed to be well-programmed to witness this horrific scene. And, of course, just like any other night, I was still unable to see the executioner’s face.

- 84 -

Joannes Rhino

I was jolted up by the roar of a motorbike engine. Headache struck me like a hurricane, and plucked away all the images of the nightmare. I jumped off the bed and, as quickly as possible, found an aspirin. I felt my whole body was off balance, wriggling like flames dancing in the candlelight. I took two pills at once, and threw myself onto the couch.

The next thing I knew, I woke up face down one the smelly, dusty couch. I felt the warmth of the sunlight breaking through the window. It won’t rain today, I guessed. My neck stiffened when I tried to get up, but I thanked God the headache had gone.

The clock in the living room was pointing at noon, and I had an appointment at one.

Quick showers were one of my expertises.

After no longer than five minutes, I was already standing in front of the wardrobe, thinking what I should wear that day. I wanted to give a good impression to Dr. Jonathan. I didn’t want him judging me by my outfit. Therefore, I decided to wear a red-blood shirt with black slack pants. I thought, I hoped, that this outfit would make me look a little bit happier.

- 85 -

The Unseen Face

Located at Lee Street East in downtown Charleston, Duplex Plaza was a historical sight and was the highest building in the state capital city of West Virginia. Dr. Jonathan’s office was on the tenth floor.

And like most of the fictional movie scenes I’ve been seeing, the office of course had a chair to lie down on.

Two sets of antique chairs placed side by side behind a working desk near the entrance. There was also a couch and a square table in the middle of the room.

That was my first time in such a place. It never crossed in my mind having an actual formal session with a psychiatrist. But there I was, sitting in a boring room with books all over the place.

A window as big as my body was planted in one of the walls, and became the only attraction of the room. I saw the waves of dark clouds outside the window. On the working desk there were piles of books and paper, some fat, old stationary, a shining gold book handler, and an hourglass. On the wall behind the desk, a spacious place displayed some memorabilia. Chatter awards, honorary titles, and some photographs of Dr. Jonathan with important people. He was bragging a lot, for sure.

“The wall of ego,” he said. I didn’t notice how long he had been staring at me in the doorway. “We all have it. See it like an aquarium in the dentist or holiday pictures on your Facebook. Something to show off.”

I tried to remain calm on the couch while he was preparing some paperwork. Nevertheless, my knees could not stop trembling and my hands kept on squeezing each other. I felt a tug of nervousness, which I hoped I could hide, because I was not supposed to be there.

- 86 -

Joannes Rhino

“Hey, relax. It’s not like we’re going to have a serious discussion. We’re just simply going to talk,” he tried to calm me down.

“Yeah, I know. It’s just…well I’m still new at this thing. And it kinda’ feels like I’m dealing with some serious shit.”

“You know, just because you are here, doesn’t mean people think you’re crazy or anything. It might be good for you to have someone to talk to.”

“I know.”

“In case you forget, we talked a lot the other night. And this is no different.”

I looked out the window, and the entire sky seemed completely dark at the time. I was stunned by this. A few seconds passed. My fingers started tapping on my lap. “Can we just start, doc?”

Dr. Jonathan noticed my anxiety. He walked to the hourglass and got it set before he dragged a chair to sit in front of me. A pen was ready to use in his grip, and sheets of paper on his lap. He was perfectly ready to begin the session.

“Should I just...do you want me to start talking now?”

“That’s the reason you’re here. Unless you have something you want to ask.”

I shrugged. “I’m not quite sure how to start.”

“You have to relax first. You have to feel comfortable. Tell me, are you comfortable on that couch? Do you want to lay down there?” His eyes led me to the specific chair.

“No, I’m good here.” My knees started trembling.

- 87 -

The Unseen Face

“All right, whatever suits you. So, have you considered doing hypnosis as an alternative treatment?”

“Is that really necessary, doc?”

“Believe it or not, that’s the fastest and the most effective way. But, again, there’s no pressure.”

“Um…yeah, about that, I’m gonna pass.”

“That’s okay. So, what do you want to talk about?”

“Huh? Aren’t you supposed to be the one with the questions?”

“It’s easier to start from you. Just start with what you have in mind right now.”

Frankly, there were so many things to discuss, and I just didn’t know where to begin.

Should I start by describing my family background, daily activities, or problems at work? On the other hand, perhaps, should we just skip all the nonsense and go straight to the real problem? I was not quite sure of the normal procedure in counseling. I guessed it was really a lot easier if I just talked to Richard.

Dr. Jonathan killed the silence, “Tell me what’s in your head at this very moment.”

The corpse of someone that I used to love lies in the surgery room covered with so much blood.

That was the only thing that stuck in my head. It kept following me like a ghost in daylight.

I dared to speak. “Um… from your standpoint as a psychologist, what do you think about dreams?”

- 88 -

Joannes Rhino

Dr. Jonathan played with the pen in his fingers and then tapped it on his chin. “What do I think about dreams… humph… there are so many explanations about dreams. Almost in every book I’ve read, dreams have always been associated with feelings or emotions, which I personally agree with.

In my opinion, dreams are a connection to the human subconscious, successions of images, ideas, emotions, and sensations that occur involuntarily in the mind during certain stages of sleep.”

“You mean like a tool to explore our feelings?”

“A tool…that’s a good word. Dreams are some sort of a tool to find our honest feelings…our unseen emotions. They are the manifestations of our deepest desires and anxieties. Dreams would manifest repressed memories, wishes and obsessions.

They serve to compensate for parts of the psyche that are underdeveloped in waking life.”

“Does every dream have its own trigger in appearance during sleep?”

He nodded. “Obviously. Whatever appears in the dream is what we actually feel about something in the past, present or future. It could be some forgotten events, the deepest desire of things, unseen fears, or any other thing that we couldn’t realize consciously.”

“Means that every dream has its meaning?”

- 89 -

The Unseen Face

“In my personal opinion, I would say yes.

Even the surreal and bizarre ones, every dream still has some meaning for the dreamer. When a dream doesn’t seem to make sense, all you need to do is take a look at the objects or figures in the dream really closely before you’ll get the true meaning of it.”

“Simply look at it closely…humph. That simple, huh?”

“Don’t jump straight to the conclusion that you see real things every day. Each dream has a unique and specific explanation. Let’s say you dream of flying. It definitely doesn’t mean you want to fly or ever wanted to. It means that your life is in your hands. You have full control of life. On the other hand, if you see an accident in your dream, it could be a warning that you’re losing a grip on life or are about to, or perhaps has already happened.

“A psychiatrist from Tufts University, Ernest Hartmann, who did research about 9/11, said that so many people had some unique dreams leading up to the tragedy. They dreamed of wild animals, being trapped in the small box, a robbery, or any kind of thing to express their fears. But none of the dreams mentioned the twin tower collapse.”

I wrinkled my nose, and he continued, “My point is, sometimes what we see in the dream is often absurd and unrealistic. And the images or pictures may seem without meaning. Therefore, use intelligence to understand it.”

“Intelligence? Seems complicated.”

“Well it is. But you can always find an expert to help you with the subject.”

“Like you.”

- 90 -

Joannes Rhino

He shrugged. “Or any other psychiatrist that you’re comfortable talking with.”

Both my knees had stopped trembling a while ago and my hands froze on the lap. I was feeling a little bit calmer. I noticed Dr Jonathan wrote something down on the paper. Whatever he was writing, I hoped there was nothing to be afraid of.

“So tell me, what’s the dream like?” he ended the silent pause.

I started tapping again. Dr Jonathan looked at my hands, and I stopped. “Oh…um…it’s just a dream. Means nothing I guess.”

“Anyone who believes dreams mean nothing is in denial. No offense.”

“None taken.”

“They refuse to see what is really going on in their life. Just so you know, dreams are part of a healthy emotional process, and by ignoring this will not make you feel any better.”

“Healthy emotional process? How can emotion be healthy if it’s a nightmare?”

“Was it a nightmare?”

I nodded hesitantly.

He wrote something down. “You must know that even a bad dream can be very informative and useful.”

“How so?”

- 91 -

The Unseen Face

“The figures or events in a bad dream may represent the dreamer’s attitudes that are repressed by the conscious mind. They who had a traumatic experience normally have this kind of dream. And most of the time, these fears rise to the surface silently. Let’s say you dream being of chased by a serial killer, monster, ghost, or any scary creature.

You’d probably keep on running or hiding, which is a bad move. Just stand still and face the terror that haunts you in the dream. You may find that the figure could be part of your emotions that you’re avoiding in waking life. Or perhaps the scary figure wanted to let you know about your lost character, places and pattern that ever happened to you in the past.

“My point being is that dreams make you more aware of your current situation because interpreting dreams involves knowing a great deal about the individual dreamer. Or in other cases, when being subconscious, our brain potentially sends signals that can be a clue to heal the emotional pain, stress and trauma.”

I, once again, went silent. That was the risk sharing this sort of issue with an expert. One word could magically be twisted into a million explanations. One reaction could be a heroic action for him.

“So what did you experience in the dream?”

Dr. Jonathan looked me right in the eye.

“Um…”

- 92 -

Joannes Rhino

I got really nervous. I looked around, trying to locate an ashtray in the room. I always need a smoke when a wave of nerves strikes me. Of course, Dr. Jonathan noticed me acting restlessly. And, again, my reaction led him to his heroic action. He took an ashtray from a drawer desk and sat back on his seat.

“This is actually a non-smoking room. But I can make an exception for you.”

“Thanks, doc. It’s a habit. What can I say?”

“Let’s go back to the dream.”

I let myself feel the excitement of smoking for quite some time. In the following minutes, I started to talk. I re-described what happened in the dream and the way I felt.

“And the same dream has kept repeating itself over the last few days. The same dream, every friggin night,” I ended the testimony shaking my head. “I know you’re gonna assume Emilia, my ex, is the trigger of all this. But I’m telling you, doc, it’s not.”

Dr. Jonathan stopped writing. “And what makes you so sure? We both know you haven’t moved on from her.”

“I’m fully aware of that. But it’s just...I mean…um...this doesn’t make sense. After all these years, why now?”

- 93 -

The Unseen Face

“Because, deep down, you’re still can’t accept the fact that she’s gone. And why now? The answer is denial. You can’t ever manipulate your own feelings, you should know that. You used to have distractions to bury this feeling. But, as I said, running away has never been a solution. You still have to face it eventually.

“It is your current mental state that stimulates all these dreams. Life feels boring, useless, flat road with no direction. That is why these forms of emotion, that you’ve been hiding, appeared on the surface. And those dreams are some sort of a tool to refresh your memory of the lost emotions. We could also say that this is a delayed phase of emotion.”

“But why was it so brutal?”

“When dreaming, in any form of dream, someone unconsciously tries to meet the desires and lose tension at the same time by creating images or figures he desires.”

“Well it’s certainly not something I wanna see. I mean, I’d never imagine such cruel thing happening to Emilia.”

“Don’t interpret dreams as they are. Dreams are never a definite picture of the past, present or future. And never will! They are formed from emotions. Past emotions, current emotions, or future emotions that you desire. And it all draws in the sketch of strange events that can never be taken literally.”

“And how can I interpret that dream then?”

- 94 -

Joannes Rhino

“First of all, you have to remember exactly what you saw in those dreams. Images, figures, objects, scenes…any little thing. Because it is very important to find the specific emotions of the dreams. And then try to place yourself as the main character, and feel it.”

“Um…empty…numb. I didn’t feel any kinda’ emotion. I can’t make a slight movement, not even a blink. I was just being a soulless spectator who couldn’t do anything. That’s what upsets me.”

Dr. Jonathan noted my testimony. “You know…from your story, you should be aware that at least one of your emotions is being involved here.”

“Which is?”

“Emptiness. Isn’t that, obviously, what you feel right now? That you’re just being a spectator, even in real life? You watch people around you stepping up to the next level of their lives while you’re stuck envying them. And this condition affects your dreams. Your subconscious is responding to what your heart really feels.”

I frowned. “What about Emilia…the brutal thing? No way you’re gonna say that’s also the reflection of my feeling.”

He smiled, whatever that meant. “It could be how you express the frustration, anger, anxiety, or any destructive behavior that you try to hide all the time. You’re probably still mad at her for leaving you, or even angry at yourself for not being able to do anything about her death. And this phase still haunts you until now.”

- 95 -

The Unseen Face

As much as I didn’t want to believe his explanation, I could no longer run away from the fact that it really was reflecting all my raging emotions about Emilia’s death. I always thought dreams were just some sort of a fiction movie during sleep. And knowing this, I was not sure of having any decent dream in the days ahead.

I lit up another cigarette and let the smoke wiggle before my eyes, as if it was mocking at me. As I tried to calm myself down, some of the smoke crawled into my eyes and made them wet. I quickly rubbed my eyes with the back of my hand. Dr. Jonathan reacted. He pulled out a box of tissue below the table, and handed it to me.

“Oh, no, no. Don’t get me wrong, doc. This ain’t tears. I’m okay.”

He shrugged. “In case you need it.”

I let Dr. Jonathan finish writing, before I drew my own conclusion, “So that makes me as the figure of the doctor in the dream?”

He was about to say something before suddenly the phone rang. He excused himself and stepped to his working desk.

“Oh, is it time, yet?” He glanced at his watch.

“All right then. Be right there.”

I was guessing he had another appointment with someone right now. Frankly, I didn’t really know how long I was scheduled for this session. And I also didn’t know how long the normal procedure for a consultation was.

The clock on the wall pointed at a half before three. “You have another appointment, doc?”

- 96 -

Joannes Rhino

He backed on his seat. “We still have time.”

He crossed one leg above the knee, placed the papers on his lap, firmly held a pen in his grip, and held his gaze straight at me. “So where were we?”

“Um…the doctor in my dream.”

“Oh, yes. Could be. He could be one of your emotions.”

“Which emotion?”

“You should ask yourself that question.

Which part of the doctor reflected to your character?”

While I tried to memorize the dream, Dr. Jonathan wrote down something and said, “We should take a role in our own dream. And in your case, you certainly didn’t do that. You’re just being a spectator, which we both know how that happened.

In order to change your mental issue in real life, you could also start in the dream. You must take control of your dream.”

“Control the dream?” Smoke crawled out of my mouth, and for a moment I felt like the temperature in the room was below zero. “Didn’t you just say that dreams are some form of our true feeling? So by controlling dream, isn’t that as the same as cheating on our own feelings?”

He nodded. “That doesn’t mean we have to stick with the fears or negative attitudes. We gotta move on, don’t you think?”

I, one hundred percent, agreed.

- 97 -

The Unseen Face

“My point is you have to lose any negative aspect inside you by controlling anything that causes your fear in the dream. And when you’ve done this, without you realizing you will beat the negative side of you, which also means you’re ready to face the factors that burdened you in real life.”

I sensed Dr. Jonathan was rushing to get to a conclusion. Probably because he had to catch the next meeting.

“No dream would look absurd if we could see it from the right point of view,” he continued.

“All you need to do is to refresh everything. Try to memorize your dreams, and then reflect it into your real life.”

“Um…I just feel like these dreams are trying to tell me something.”

“Well, they are. They’re obviously trying to tell you the emotions that you can’t see now,” he made a quick judgment.

“I mean, doc, um…these dreams always end at the same point, when the doctor was about to show me his face. Does that mean anything?”

He quickly glanced at the clock. “That’s mostly because you weren’t being the main character in those dreams. And when you are, you can take control of the dream and find out what it is all about.

“You know it’s true what people say about the stages you have to go through in life. Denial, anger, acceptance, and so on. But it doesn’t happen as clean as anyone tells you. In reality, it’s a stew.

Everything happens all at the same time. Just because you can’t really get over the dark parts, doesn’t mean you can’t get to the good ones. Sometimes the brightest light comes from the darkest places.”

- 98 -

Joannes Rhino

“I once had this dream, doc. I was in the ocean on a boat. I think it was a Coast Guard boat, and I think I was in a uniform. And so, myself and someone else were crashing through the waves, and there was a storm and raining and everything. We were searching for someone. Someone had to be rescued. And when we finally found him...it was me.

I was the one drowning. But I was also on the boat.

This dream happened a week after Emilia passed.”

“You were suffering from compassion fatigue syndrome. It happened because a feeling overwhelmed you. The lost. Drowning in that dream is obviously applied to a feeling.” He got up and stepped toward the work desk. “In the next session we’re going to dive in deeper about Emilia.”

I wrinkled my nose. “The next session, doc?”

“I thought you wanted to continue this counseling.”

“Um…I do. I just um…I don’t think I can afford for another session.”

“No worries. This is pro bono.”

I should be grateful having such a friend like him, whatever Richard had done. Someday I will repay this. I owe that man big time.

He was checking his agenda. “So Monday sounds good for you? Same time?”

“That’d be perfect.”

“Monday it is. I’ll see you then.”

- 99 -

The Unseen Face

Outside the office, a middle-aged man was sitting in the waiting room. He looked terrible. A pale face and messed up hair. I didn’t know what kind of hell he had been facing, but he surely needed help more than I did. He gazed at me with a cynical look when I walked over the waiting room.

- 100 -

Joannes Rhino

Chapter VI

I

stumbled at the phone’s screen and shook my head seeing two missed calls from Jennifer. She should have known I was in no position to answer any call during work. I had told her this like a thousand times. What’s got into her lately? Couldn’t she just leave a message?

However, in order to avoid potential conflict, I called her. And, of course, it went straight to the mailbox. How can it not? It was one o’clock in the morning. She must have fallen asleep at the time.

I slumped on the couch as I pressed button number five on the phone. A hoarse, lazy voice crawled out after the fourth tone.

“Hey, you think I should tell Jen ‘bout this?” I just spat without any chitchat, without a slice of guilt. Just like asking ‘what your name is’ or ‘what day is today’.

There were a few seconds of silence before Richard finally responded. “What the fuck, man!”

“You think Jen has to know this? I mean I’m thinking to end this issue without her knowing it.”

“Do you have any fuckin’ idea what time it is?”

“C’mon, man. Help me out on this.”

He chuckled. “I’m hanging up now.”

“Just a quick yes or no. How hard could it be?”

- 101 -

The Unseen Face

“It’s only James. Go back to sleep, babe,” he whispered to his wife. Seconds later, I heard a click of the door. “This better be good.” His voice was more clear.

“You think I should tell Jen ‘bout this?”

“About what?”

“My dreams. Didn’t I tell you?”

“Fill me in. And make it short.”

“I’ve been having nightmares ‘bout Emilia.

It’s been going on for days now. And this triggered my fight with Jen the other night. So now I’m thinking, is it a good idea if Jen knows ‘bout this?”

“And you woke me up just to ask this?”

“Your name is first on my list.”

He sniffed. “How awesome is that?”

“Well?”

“Did you go to the session today?”

“Like I had another choice.”

“You told Jonathan about this?”

“Yup.” “What did he say?”

“You sure you wanna know in detail?” I giggled.

“Fuck, man. Get me to the point.”

“He said that dreams are some sort of the actual feeling that I can’t feel in waking life.”

“That’s the answer then. Exactly like I always said, you’re still stuck in the past and you don’t wanna admit it. So, if you said that you had dreamt about Emilia, and has been going on for days, then Jen has the right to know.”

- 102 -

Joannes Rhino

“To be honest, I’m thinking the same way.

But I just…I mean I could solve this nightmare thing without her knowing anything. It’s a win-win solution, right?”

“Sure. A solution for you. That is so not cool, man. It’s not fair for her. You’re not seriously going to let her know nothing, are you?”

“I’m looking for some advice here, aren’t I?” “Look, a healthy relationship relies on truth.

Honestly is the best policy in every relationship.

How long you think you can keep this from her?”

“It’s a white lie.”

“No, it’s not. It’s just you being selfish, that’s all. You gotta tell her. What do you have to lose anyway? It’s not like you’re cheating.”

“Exactly! I’m not cheating on her. So why must I tell her something that’s not even real?”

“This is real! This is really happening. But, whatever, man. If you really need my advice, I’d say tell her and let her decide what’s next. That’s what is called win-win solution. I’m sure she’ll understand your situation.”

“You think so?”

“Yes, I really think so. Now can I please go back to sleep?”

“Who’s stopping you?”

“Fuck you!”

- 103 -

The Unseen Face

I tried to picture Richard’s expression after I hung up the phone. Silence with mouth open staring at the phone screen for a few minutes before starting grumbling like an old granny when he tries to lie on the bed but then unable to sleep until morning. It would be really satisfying if tomorrow Richard complained about this.

Following his advice, I sent Jennifer a text message to meet up tomorrow before work.

Tomorrow was Saturday, and I hoped she didn’t have plans yet. This problem has to end. I didn’t have any intention to postpone this any much longer.

In the chilly winds of December, I threw my memory back to the conversation I had with Dr. Jonathan earlier this afternoon. I was still having a hard time believing that a person is capable of controlling a dream. However, if somehow I was able to do so, I would have knocked down that damn doctor as hard as I possibly could. I would then put aside Emilia’s body from the operating table and replace it with him. After that, I would rip out all his organs like what he did to Emilia nights before. Yes, I would certainly do that if I could control my dream.

- 104 -

Joannes Rhino

I leaned forward, staring at the shadows of my face on the glass table in front of me. I looked at myself and smiled in euphoria while I tried to build a strategy to take control of my dream that night. My rays of eyes didn’t emit insanity. Not even a lunatic smile– just like a classic megalomaniac figure in a thriller movie. I didn’t feel crazy because I was still able to question myself objectively. Without any dramatization or pretension, I confessed that I would do the most heinous thing to the doctor figure in my dream. That confession came with a smile and satisfaction, and a straight happy face.

I stayed long enough on the couch as the inflammatory spirit continued to come after me like a bomb terror. As the last cigarette finished, I let the billowing smoke accompany my step into the room.

For a moment, I felt like a warlord in a colossal movie that appears from a fog-mist on the hill to vanquish all enemies. I had set a squadron of the army in the field to battle this war. And I will defeat the devil in my dream!

That was my battle. I was going to win this one way or another.

However, sometimes over confidence can be too dangerous and becomes the only devil that seems impossible to beat. That’s what I experienced when I was subconscious. The same dream. The same role.

The same figures. The same incident. The same feeling. But my burning passion before I slept seemed useless.

- 105 -

The Unseen Face

The instruments of darkness tell me the truth that these dreams were born from my deepest soul, coming to me silently and unguarded to unlock the ugliness I had not seen in me. Still my soul was whispering to me hope that the answer of these dreams promised me something good, instead of the unseen horrible facts. But then I reached the hard wall, and was facing the truth I could no longer deny; lost as nights before.

The level of my frustration got worse. I felt desperate because of my incapability in the dream. I wanted to scream just to stop that violent manner.

But it felt to me like I was being locked inside a soundproof box or inside an isolation room where I could see and hear everything. But my microphone is off and I could not get out of the transparent box.

God! I was going insane over this. But in deepest conscience I prayed that this supernatural ill would be over.

I grabbed the phone beside me, and saw Jennifer had left me a message. She told me to come around twelve at noon. I still had lots of time. But, “Sleep no more!� I screamed in the name of my thoughts. Was that scream going to wash the blood clean from my sleep? Before I found the answer, I would never sleep well.

- 106 -

Joannes Rhino

Once I read the wisdom of life. It says that ‘One may close the eyes of fears or even beauty if he does not want to see it. One may shut the ears of melody or words that he does not want to hear. One may escape or dodge the threats in plain sight if he is willing to. But no one can ever run away from the mind, for the mind is his own breath. Every thought, whatever its form, will be collected in the head and digested by the brain, and then become the authenticity of the man and live forever inside, leaving the choice between loving the thoughts or hating them, affecting even the option of disgust and lust, love and hate. Whoever is able to be the master of his own mind, he shall hold the key of an absolute perfection life’.

- 107 -

The Unseen Face

Chapter VII

W

hen I parked my scooter in the basement and threw the raincoat under the seat, I knew I was an hour late. I pictured Jennifer’s face at that very moment. She must’ve been very upset. And to make it even more perfect, I was going to put a bomb on her by carrying this news.

She was sitting on the couch when I broke into her apartment. I noticed a pair of silver earrings dangling gently on her earlobes. Her face was full of make-up. At the time she wore a glittering black gown, one of her favorite dresses, really dressed up.

“Going somewhere?” I wondered.

“Been waiting like hours.” She gave me that ‘I’ve had enough’ look.

“Sorry. I got caught up in the rain.”

“Cliché.”

I cleaned myself up in the bathroom. On the toilet seat, Jennifer had prepared for me a towel and a polo shirt. That made me feel even more guilty. I kept on upsetting her, but she just stood strong full of care. I almost had second thoughts of telling her the truth.

“Why are you so dressed up?” I sat next to her.

“Wedding reception.”

“I don’t remember you telling me this.”

“I didn’t. Does it even matter, James? Like you can go with me anyway.”

“Well at least…”

- 108 -

Joannes Rhino

“Alright stop. I don’t wanna argue over this.

You said you need to tell me something. What is it?”

“Um…if you’re in a hurry, this could wait.”

She sighed. “Oh, please stop doing that. Don’t put me through the whole emotional roller coaster.

I’m still here, aren’t I?” “Well this is nothing. Um…” She turned out the television. “Okay. Let me make this simple for you. Do you or do you not want to talk?”

That was the moment when everything had to be clarified. I knew something would happen when my dream was exposed, and it might change her faith in me. What is it about the truth that sometimes can be so complicated? Why must I reveal the truth just to please someone’s curiosity? I mean, would she even understand at all about the things I’ve seen in my dreams and the restless soul I’ve felt every time I’ve woken up? And by knowing the truth, could she able to end the terror in my sleep?

She just wanted to know the truth, and that was it.

However, I was too exhausted to keep doing this. I was just going to come clean, whatever the risk.

“Um…it’s about us.” I said softly, avoiding looking directly into her eyes. This was going to be harder than I thought.

“Oh, God!” She wailed. Her eyes popped wide open, in shock. “You’re breaking up with me?

Damn it, James! I knew it! I knew this day was gonna come.”

“Oh, no, no, I don’t think you understand.”

“This can’t happen.” She whimpered.

“Jen, listen to me!” I urged.

- 109 -

The Unseen Face

“What?” She snapped, sobbing with arms across her chest, staring at the pounding rain that smashed the balcony window. “When you said we need to talk over the phone, there are only two situations I had in mind. Unless you’re pregnant, which is impossible, it sounds like you’re about to break up with me.”

I tried to interrupt but Jennifer rumbled on.

“And now you’re gonna say I’m the one who keeps distance, or this relationship isn’t going well, or you need some time off to think about this, or I deserve someone better than you, and all that crap. Damn it, James! I should’ve known this.”

“Hey, what are you ranting on about?”

Her head shook. Frankly, that was the first time I had faced that sort of situation. I didn’t know how to react. It seemed so cold and inappropriate if I just stayed in silence, letting her deal with whatever emotion she felt. So I slid my seat closer to her, and looked at how much she was shaking. I grabbed her hands to calm her down.

She looked at me deeply. “Tell me James, is there someone else?”

I looked her in the eyes. “No, God no.”

She eyed me warily and asked, “Is it me?”

“Jesus, Jen, stop saying that. We’re not breaking up.”

Something seemed to collapse inside her as she slid down on the couch. For a moment, I thought she was about to faint. But then I realized she squeezed my fingers so hard that I could feel her fears.

- 110 -

Joannes Rhino

“I know things have been going off track between us lately. But that doesn’t mean what we have isn’t worth saving.”

“I know. We can work this out,” I whispered the sound of comfort.

“I’ve never been so afraid in my entire life.”

She sobbed, hiding her face and shaking her head.

“Don’t be. I’m still here, and always will be.

But the thing I wanted you to know is um… I don’t think um… I don’t know how to say it in a comfortable way. But um…yeah, you gotta know this. It feels like I haven’t moved on from Emilia.” I could not hold it any much longer. Those words came out so fast and firm, make my heart stop beating for a few seconds.

She slid back her seat in an upright position, frowned. “Your ex Emilia? Didn’t she pass like years ago?”

I nodded as I looked away. “You can’t trick your feelings, can you?”

“I thought you had gotten over her. I remember you clearly mentioned that.”

I put my face down, avoiding eye contact. “I thought so until I started dreaming of her. And, just so you know, this ain’t romantic kinda’ dream we’re talking here. It’s a nightmare.”

She wrinkled her forehead. “I don’t know what to say, James. Should I worry about this?”

My head shook. “It’s under control.”

“So, the other night you… Was it her?”

“Yeah, sorry for that. I was still caught up in emotion, couldn’t tell you anything.”

“And I assume now it’s explainable?”

- 111 -

The Unseen Face

Just like being stripped and then forced to run away naked, I had no other choice. I finally came clean. I told her everything about the dream. And even the part that I was currently seeing a psychiatrist. Meanwhile, Jennifer stayed in silence, and I felt like I was talking too much. And, perhaps, I accidentally mentioned things I was not supposed to share. But I guessed it was a little bit too late for me to bail out. There was no point covering the truth any longer.

I had not finished talking when Jennifer suddenly got up. I assumed that was the code to tell me that she had heard enough. I stopped talking. I froze my tongue and let the deadly silence stretch between us to every inch of the room, leaving the buzzing sound of rain outside.

I could no longer bear the silence; her silence.

I had to know what was inside her mind. I stepped closer to the balcony window. She was still trapped in silence, in her cold strategy, which I had no clue of what it meant. I cannot blame her for whatever emotion that raged inside her. I would probably do the same in her position.

“How does it look to you?” I gently said.

“Wet and very windy. It’s a terrible storm.”

“What I meant how’s your heart holding up. I know I just put a bomb on you. But I need you to understand what kinda’ hell I’ve been facing these past few days. And I need you not to give up on me.”

- 112 -

Joannes Rhino

The rain pounded heavily before us. Jennifer touched the window glass with fingertips. The effect of lightning showed a flood in one corner of the street. I pictured it like the surface of the sea.

Everything looked waving out there. The tree trunks lifted from the solid ground as if they were poles on the sinking ship. The world looked like it was going to fall apart, and probably Jennifer’s world as well.

She gazed at me deeply like she had not seen me for years. “You look like hell. Haven’t you noticed that?”

“Hah?” I was not sure what I just heard.

“Look at yourself. When’s the last time you looked in the mirror?”

Still trying to figure out where this reaction was going to take me, I quickly turned my face to the window. The only light in the room was projecting enough effect to see my own shadow in the glass.

Then I realized how time passes so fast. For no reason, I looked a little bit older. I saw that the skin around my eyes looked so pale, and also the sagging skin under my chin. I was probably just exhausted. I had not slept well recently, I admitted that.

Jennifer touched my face gently and said sincerely, “You don’t seem to take care of yourself.

Allow me to do that for you from now on.”

- 113 -

The Unseen Face

I, rather bemused, still could not believe the reaction coming from her. I certainly didn’t predict this earlier. I thought she was going to snap or swear at me, and that she would ask for some time off.

How could she be this calm? What was the matter with her? Could not she be like a normal human being, instead of this perfect creature? Obviously, I didn’t know much about women.

“You alright, Jen?” “Shouldn’t I be the one who asks you that?”

“Yeah, I mean no…um…I don’t know. This is….” I lost the right words.

She smiled prettily. “James, you look so awful. Like a little dachshund puppy with a bad back that’s got to pull itself around on a cart.”

I chuckled. “I am, aren’t I?” “Look, obviously, I can’t fill that giant crater that Emilia left in your heart. But I also can’t bear seeing you like this. You know, when you love someone, you just simply don’t wanna see them hurt.

I think fate brought me to you, put me in this corner of your journey to make it right.”

“I just…I um…I don’t know what to say, Jen.” “I think you should realize that there is nothing you can say to me to change my mind about how I feel to you.”

“This stuff is pretty rough on me. I’m, uh, I’m still getting over it.”

“I’ll help you to get through this.”

- 114 -

Joannes Rhino

I finally realized that I had been such an idiot.

How could I not see this answer before? She truly was my savior. I then took a vow that from that moment on I would treat her right and love her unconditionally.

“Anyways, what time do you need to be at the office?” She decided to end the awkwardness.

“Four.”

“Well it’s almost three. We better go now.”

“Go where? Didn’t you have a reception to go?”

“I don’t feel like going there right now. I’m just gonna drop you off at the office and well… probably go on shopping. I need a good, long shop.”

“Sorry I messed up everything.”

“You didn’t. Let’s just go, alright? What time should I pick you up?”

“I finish my shift at twelve.”

“Right then.”

I turned on the indicator light before the car slid out of the basement. The raging rain then smashed on the roof of the Swift that I drove, twice as hard as yesterday. I almost could not see the road ahead. The wiper on the windshield kept tapping, but it very nearly lost its function. I was so glad I didn’t have to ride on my scooter in this rainstorm.

We arrived at the courtyard of Plaza Bapindo in the next half an hour. Jennifer kissed me before I got out of the car. She honked when I entered the main building, and left.

I grabbed my phone out and speed dialed the call button number five. Richard answered on the second ring.

- 115 -

The Unseen Face

“Now what?”

“News flash. I just told her. And you won’t believe how she responded.”

“Don’t tell me that she’s okay with everything.”

“Yo, what the hell is wrong with you, man?

I’m gettin’ the impression you want us to break up.”

He laughed. “Cause she’s dating a douche bag.”

“Thanks for the heads up.”

“Well? What did she say?”

“Exactly like you just said.”

“You’re joking.”

“Long story short, we’re fine.”

“Don’t give me that long story crap.”

The elevator dinged and I walked in. “I’ll update you on Monday.”

“Don’t you dare hang up on me again. That was…time….you…that…”

“Dude, your voice is breaking up. Hanging up now.”

The doors opened on the twenty sixth floor. I threw my best smile to the security guy at the entrance. This was going to be a great day, so I thought when I sat on my working desk.

Chapter VIII - 116 -

Joannes Rhino

T

here comes a time for me when the idea of dreams become momentarily unbearable. Living with terrors, lying in the darkness with my own company to keep, and it all rots into a solitary hollow existence. It never sounds like a good idea to spend the night alone. I screamed out loud, hoping the horrible images I saw would fade out. But as I stood there, in the dream, I felt the sort of death following me like a second skin.

The darkness was my only friend for I must slay the devil. Anyone who saw me living behind my shadow while the day’s out would probably assume that I’m such a fool who doesn’t know how to enjoy life. But this was what I must do in order to keep my sanity. I shall do whatever it takes to battle the evil that would otherwise fill my mind with poison.

If a man’s character is his fate, then that war was not a choice. It was a calling. Yet sometimes the weight of the burden caused me to falter, reaching the fragile fortress of my mind, allowing the monsters without to turn within. And I was left alone staring into the abyss, into the blackest sin of my own shadow and the laughing face of madness. However, from that time forth, I shall not try to win the battle no more. I shall seek the light in the dark, and breathe.

- 117 -

The Unseen Face

What did I miss? Where did I go wrong? I kept asking those questions. I knew I could never fight the doctor figure in my dream. Therefore, should I take a role as Dr. Jonathan asked me to? What kind of role can I possibly take in this kind of circumstance? I cannot even take my eyes of Emilia. How can I? She was right there, looking so peaceful. She was a princess covered by the shadow of perfection, but full of tears and sadness. Still, she was the river of mirth in my blood. I had more care to stay than will to go.

My thoughts then spoke nothing but good words. I greeted my passionate love to her. But for what cause? To praise The Lord who made her so golden in my eyes, or that made me suffer even more? If I loved her still, it spoke to me how much.

What drugs could awake me from this? What charms and good wills, and what mighty magic efforts could give me some solid proof that my love was pure?

I heard the winds of sleep were calling my name. They whispered that hell shall come upon me.

Should I blow the horrid deed in my eyes? Oh pity me like a dead sinner. That was the dread of my subconscious. This abscess of much pain and fears showed no cause without why I suffered.

My eyeballs slid away to the dagger on her flesh. That was not a scalpel, but more like a homemade wood knife with no blades. It incised the skin with a gentle touch and made the bloods cry out. A metal clamp dug into the stomach and began to remove the organs inside.

- 118 -

Joannes Rhino

I decided to stop watching. And, the weird thing was that time my eyes finally responded as I wanted them. I saw a shovel standing at the corner of the room with pieces of soil and gravel in the vicinity. I didn’t know how to reflect these images in my real life. While a huge question mark hung in my thoughts, I noticed a solid log lying on the floor around a pool of liquid. I was not sure what it was.

My eyes got brighter when I became aware that the only source of light in the room was coming from an antique chandelier. It didn’t look familiar to me.

I suddenly realized I had a little sense in the dream. I was so excited knowing this progress. That was a breakthrough. I was able to think and feel. It was just a matter of time before I completely took control the dream.

I told myself to maximize the strength of my eyes. I forced them to spin around the room, searched for any new thing I could possibly take. I watched the executioner completing his job on the operating table. He pulled out white, clean linen from under the table to wrap up the corpse. It was floral rose with various colors, which I recognized from somewhere.

- 119 -

The Unseen Face

The next thing that happened, I woke up. But unlike the nights before, some sort of feeling of comfort was circling inside my veins as I discovered a number of new things in the dream. I could not wait to tell Dr. Jonathan about this. Better yet, I shall tell Jennifer my loyalty of her love. The honesty must have formed the shape of my heart by now.

Therefore, I shall grace the call, let all blessings come upon me and lay above my throne that I will greet her love with equal grace. When I do so, eternity will be in my soul, blend with none parts of my flesh will be so poor. I will rule this life once more.

I guessed I feared too early, for my mind miss-spelled my conscience. Now I shall begin my day with this night’s end and renew love, when the terror of my dream had been closed in my heart by violent beauty and timely death. Jennifer indeed had the steer of my course, and she directed my sail.

I was so lucky having her whilst getting through this. I looked at her. Looked at that lovely face. Gosh, how beautiful was she? The most pious angel with such grace was within her soul. She was like the sweat of morning dew, or the gorgeous sunrise in yonder east. Seeing her made my fears go without content. I will be damned to hell if I let her go.

“Hey, you’re awake. Still having that nightmare?” She crawled on top of my chest.

“There’s some progress.”

“Oh, really? Tell me then.”

“Well…just a hunch, hard to explain. I’m just gonna take it easy on this.”

“But are you really okay, James?”

“Yeah.”

- 120 -

Joannes Rhino

“You know, I barely know her. I mean you don’t talk much about how things went on between you two.”

“What’s your point?”

“I understand what you’ve been through, and I don’t wanna go there. It’s just… well I think it wouldn’t hurt to share a bit about her.”

I got off the bed and walked toward the window. “There’s nothing to talk about. She’s gone!

End of story. Jesus, why do you have to bring this up?”

“Because she’s still on your mind, and whatever shit you’re facing now is tearing us apart.

Can’t you see that?”

“Oh, Jen, do we really have to do this right now?”

She rolled over and sat on the edge of the bed. “I honestly don’t want to interfere with your past. But since we’re together, and you’re still seeing another woman in your sleep, I just need a word from you that this isn’t gonna get dangerous.”

“I thought you were okay with this.”

“I’m not going to lie to you. Dealing with a ghost from the past is really terrifying me. It’s worse.

That’s something I can never keep up. It’s like she’s completely taken your heart away from me, and I can do nothing about it.”

“What do you want me to do?”

“I don’t know, James. It just…this scares me.”

“What?”

- 121 -

The Unseen Face

“This. The silence in you. I’ve never felt these kind of feelings before, and I just don’t know how to deal with them. I guess what scares me the most is you pulling away like this. Can we talk about this, please?”

“What do you want me to say? Do you want me to say how Emilia and I had great times together but then she died, and my life has been fucked up ever since?”

“That’s a start.”

“Do you wanna hear me saying that I’m still in love with her and that’s the reason I’m having these dreams?”

“Are you?”

“You know, you have this amazing talent for making me feel like a second class citizen.”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“I mean in your own meek mousy way, you have this brilliant knack of getting your own way.

Look, Jen, if you really wanna help me get through this, just support whatever I do to fix this.”

“This is bullshit! You completely evade the issue. It’s not a trick question. Are you still in love with her?”

“I’m not gonna defend my loyalty in this relationship. I’m with you, that’s it, period. This is why I don’t wanna have this conversation with you.

You’re being subjective. You’re seeing this from the other way around. Me dreaming of her doesn’t mean I’m still in love with her.”

“So you think it’s normal seeing your ex in your dreams?”

- 122 -

Joannes Rhino

“It’s not like ‘a happily ever after’ kinda’ dream.

It’s a nightmare for Christ sake! And it’s freaking me out.”

The room went silent. We both were taking time to think carefully before we say something that would jeopardize the relationship. I saw Jennifer trying to manage her emotion.

“I’m sorry for being like this. I just…I’m afraid that…well…I know how silly this is,” she finally killed the silence.

“You’re just being human. I’d think the same if I were you. But for what is worth, I’m making progress with this dream. I think it’s only a matter of time before everything’s back on track.” My emotions had also stabilized.

“Do you ever think that she might try to communicate with you? I mean maybe you two have some unsolved business, or you made a promise that you haven’t been keeping? Not that I want to get involved with whatever issue you had. I just think it’s possible you know.”

“It’s possible, in the movies.” I smiled as I opened the curtain window. “This is just the reflection of what I feel in this life. At least that’s what my shrink told me.”

“You see that connection?”

“Not just yet, but I will.”

“When was the last time you visited her?”

“Can’t recall. Probably at the funeral. Why are you asking this anyway? Don’t tell me you wanna go there.”

- 123 -

The Unseen Face

“James, if she used to be the special one in your life, you should probably visit her every once in a while. Simply just to respect her. Maybe that’s the reason she appeared in your dreams. She doesn’t want to be forgotten.”

“You should have this discussion with my shrink. I’m sure you’d have a great debate with him.”

“I’m serious. I mean if someday I die, I want you to keep sending me flowers on my grave. Not that I don’t want you to move on. I just want you to still remember me as a special part in your life.”

“Point taken. Okay, I’ll visit her when I have free time.”

“Why do you have to wait? We have the rest of the day now.”

“What do you mean we?”

“You said you need my support. Well this is me giving support.”

That was how the day planned. Spontaneous and unpredictable. Far beyond whatever idea I had in mind. And the next thing I knew, four hours later, we arrived at San Diego Cemetery. Located in the west part of Charleston, the two hectare cemetery was built for a limited high-class community.

Emilia’s family was so wealthy. Her father worked at a huge stock exchange multi-level company as a financial consultant, while her mother was running the biggest jewelry store in the city. It makes perfect sense they wanted their only daughter buried in such place as San Diego Cemetery.

- 124 -

Joannes Rhino

Jennifer had waited at the front gate while I was still trying to figure out where Emilia laid. I asked an old man who had just finished digging some tomb not far from the gate, and he showed us the way.

We passed through a vulture winged angel statue. The cherubim were covered with wavy mud. I saw some Victorian-style sarcophagi bungalows and rose necklaces rose of stone crosses. There were so many other majestic and gorgeous tombs spread around me. That made me think that I was not walking in the cemetery. It was more likely a huge empty land where all the rich people show off and were trying to be the richest race on earth. How sad to know such fact.

The old man pointed out a graveyard with slabs of limestone near us. I saw the scratches on the headstone that read the name and date. The tomb was nothing like the others that I saw. It was quite simple. So, I thanked the old man as I remembered that was where Emilia laid.

That afternoon was no different to any other day when the sky looks overcast. The rainstorm was threatening for sure. I squatted with both hands grabbing the damp grass before the tomb. I was not a superstitious kind of person, but at that moment, I felt that a wave of relief was touching my soul, as if there was a door inside me just opening up. I felt like Emilia wanted me to come here, to keep appreciating what we had.

- 125 -

The Unseen Face

When death comes to any one of us, it comes to all of us. Because it is the one thing we all have in common. Sooner or later, that’s the one place we’re all headed. And even though some of us believe that life doesn’t end on this side of the grave, our grief drives us to hunger for a human touch.

Jennifer whispered behind me, “I’m going to leave you alone.”

I didn’t respond. I just went down in silence, motionless, thinking back of my glorious days with Emilia. They say life is short. So short that we can never prepare when it comes. But Emilia knew when her life would end, and she was prepared.

Suddenly, a drop of water was fell on the back of my hand, and another dropped until I actually realized it was coming from my eyes. I tried the best I could to control my emotion. But as much as I tried, the stronger it became. The tears were pouring down horribly, like a leaking dam. I knelt down and cried, squeezing the damp mound of grass before me, trying to feel the last piece of Emilia and the last part of her that seemed touchable.

I quickly wiped off the tears when Jennifer came closer. I needed to look strong in front of her. I didn’t need to feel even more devastated.

“Are you okay?” She knelt down beside me.

“Let’s just get outta here.”

“We’re a week late you know. Her parents just dropped by last week. That’s what the old man told me” It was only then that I noticed a small bunch of flowers hiding half-cover by the wild grass on one side of the tombstone.

“We better go visit them.”

- 126 -

Joannes Rhino

“Excuse me?� I glared. I could not believe what I just heard.

- 127 -

The Unseen Face

Chapter IX

E

milia’s residence was only half an hour from the cemetery. The Swift that I drove followed the path of the road and a large two-story building emerged from among the trees. The Castile had a giant gray stonewall at the center and was flanked by white wood paneling. Most of the windows were curved with wavy-glass panels. There were at least three incredibly huge pillars standing solid as the foundation.

The building and everything surrounding left me an impression of a remote but majestic place.

I pulled over and parked next to an XR Jaguar in the yard. As I stepped out of the car, I really felt it was such a huge mistake by being there. What was I doing there? Being there, seeing Emilia’s parents, and looking at the old days will revive all the dying memories. This were something that I avoided in the passing years. This was suicide.

A security guard peeked out behind a solid, steel two meter tall gate. “What do you want?” He arrogantly said with an ancient Irish accent.

“I wanna see um…your boss.” I could not recall Emilia’s surname. I could not think straight.

He glared at me as if I was there to sell some traditional medical product. “You have an appointment, lad?”

“Just tell your boss James Maddox is coming.”

“Wait here.”

- 128 -

Joannes Rhino

He sniffed and walked into the security booth to make a quick talk through the intercom before the gate opened wide seconds later. “You’ve been expected.� He gave me the richest smile ever.

Such a paradise. I was still amazed with the place as Jennifer and I was heading for the porch. I saw a girl in a black and white uniform waiting there. She smiled and told us to wait in the living room.

I noticed some changes to the interior design of the house. The last time I visited, there was no shiny expensive wooden floor spread inside the house. There was also no smell of dried flowers used for aromatherapy. As I sat on the couch, I saw a glass door leading to the pool outside of the building. The pool was covered with a clean-gray tarp, and it had sank because of the rainwater and the rotten leaves.

There were two tiny cube-shaped buildings at the end, which I had no idea their function. A little dark gardener raked the fallen leaves into a wheelbarrow near there.

However, how magnificently beautiful the house was, it seemed dead to me. It had lost its touch. I felt no love in the entire building. No matter how wealthy a man can be, he is still considered as a poor man to live without love. And Emilia was the only love in this house. She was the most precious treasure and the only happiness in this house. I suddenly felt sorry for her parents. They can live like a king and queen, but they have no one to pass on the crown to.

- 129 -

The Unseen Face

I glanced at a picture beside my couch. And there she was, smiling at me on the round table in a mahogany frame. That lovely face could hypnotize either men or women of all ages. Those eyes could make someone look like an idiot under a spell. Her charm could make one’s soul melt in contemplation and momentarily forget anything. She was indeed the lost figure who vanquished the charm of this house.

“Is that her?” Jennifer asked, or making sure.

“She’s pretty.”

“And she’s dead.”

I didn’t know why I reacted that way. I know Jennifer was just trying to be nice, and being fully supported. But, please stop! Stop making me feel guiltier.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to…”

“Just stop, okay?”

An old man walked out hobbling with an expensive antique cane. He looked in around his eighties, wearing a knitted sweater with a scarf without a pattern entwining the neck. I could not recognize him, but I believed he was the man of the house. His face was oval and narrow under the thinwhite hair. His eyes were sunken like his cheeks.

Some stiff-gray hairs looked painful there. The bones in his back were crying out loud to keep his dry thin body in balance.

I grabbed his shoulder and helped him to sit.

I also apologized for coming without any notice and for ruining his Sunday. But he told me to stop talking with a hand gesture and looked at me carefully.

- 130 -

Joannes Rhino

“I’m not sure I know you, young man. Well… at this age, I don’t think I can remember anyone.” He laughed.

“It’s James, sir. I was dating um…” I hesitated to mention that name.

“Oh, yes…James. It’s been a while.” I felt the bitterness printed on his face when saying my name.

“Yeah, time flies.”

Some flakes of young impression were still imprinted on his sharp face as he tilted his head, as if looking for something on the ceiling. He looked innocent in some odd way, like an elderly boy scout.

“Five years. I’ll be dammed. My daughter would be at your age by now.”

“Um… yeah… sorry if me being here brings back those memories.”

He looked at Jennifer. “Ah, who’s this fine lady? I’m so rude not to introduce myself to you. I’m Eduardo Manuela Torres.”

“I’m Jennifer Ashlee Smitz. Nice to meet you, sir.”

“Oh, it is my pleasure. My daughter would be at your age by now.”

“Your daughter was so pretty.”

“Oh, yes…my angel…my only angel.”

I heard a door slam from upstairs, and the next minute a dressed up woman ran in such a rush.

She was the older version of Emilia.

“Well, well, what brings you here James?”

She kissed me on the cheeks. “And who’s this lovely girl?”

“I’m Jennifer, ma’am.”

- 131 -

The Unseen Face

“Hi Mrs. Torres. We happened to be in the neighborhood. So I thought why not stop by. Hope you don’t mind.”

“You’re always welcome here. You know that.” She looked at Jennifer. “And you too darling.”

“Thank you, ma’am,” Jennifer replied.

“So, how are you son?”

“I’m doin’ good, thanks.”

“Of course you are. It’s been ages since the last time I saw you. But look at you. Haven’t changed a bit.”

“My daughter would be at your age by now.”

Mr. Torres looked dazed.

“Um…sorry, I’ve been so busy. I wanted to come…visit you guys, but something always came up.”

I admitted, after Emilia’s funeral, I never saw this old couple. I made no calls, sent no Christmas card, or had no communication whatsoever.

Nothing. I tried to bury everything related to Emilia.

I needed to make a fresh start by deleting the past memories.

“Understandable. Well, you’re here now. No need to say sorry.

“Actually, we just came back from the cemetery. And the grave keeper told us that you just went there a week ago,” Jennifer informed, which I was not sure what she intended to.

I tried to make eye contact with Jennifer to indicate not to bring up the subject. But she ignored me.

Mrs. Torres nodded. “We always visit there every two months.”

- 132 -

Joannes Rhino

“My angel… my only angel.” Mr. Torres seemed so far away.

“I know it’s probably way too late, but I’m sorry for your loss.”

Mrs. Torres nodded. “Thank you, dear.” She tried to smile. But her lips stayed in a flat line.

“Wish I knew her.”

“Ah, you are so sweet, my dear. I wish she had a chance to know you too.”

“She didn’t deserve it.” Mr. Torres shook his head. I could see how frustrated he was.

“Yes, sometimes life seems unfair.” Jennifer showed her deep concern to the old man.

“Unfair? Never! Life has never been unfair!

Not to my angel!” He snapped. His voice echoed in the entire building.

“But everyone has their own fate. And probably…”

“This had nothing to do with fate! It wasn’t her time, God damn it! I wish that bastard rotted in jail and died!”

“Honey. Careful with your heart,” Mrs. Torres reminded her husband to control his emotion.

But that old man could not take it any longer.

He got up and left the living room. I saw his right arm was trembling on the metal walking stick. I was not sure that was part of the emotion or because most of his weight was centered there.

- 133 -

The Unseen Face

I immediately got up, wanting to help him walk. But Mrs. Torres stopped me and told me to leave him alone. As I slid back on my seat, I still heard Mr. Torres continue swearing at someone. I was not sure to whom he angry at. My guess was, those nasty words were for the team of the doctors who took care of Emilia during her critical moment.

The dead silence stretched in the living room.

None of us dared to comment about what just happened. The unseen clock was ticking so loud like a time bomb that was about to explode at any second. Jennifer looked at me, and with my eyes, I told her to shut up.

“Sorry about that. He’s still having a hard time dealing with this,” Mrs. Torres finally spoke up.

I quickly reacted before Jennifer made it worse. “We’re the ones who are supposed to apologize. We had no intention to bring up that wound.”

“I know. Well… to be honest, I too didn’t feel satisfied with the court. But we must follow the law, right?”

I wrinkled. “Um… what do you mean?” I was getting confused. Who was in jail? Who was the bastard? And the court? What exactly is going on here?

She raised her eyebrows. “The one who killed Emilia? Don’t you remember, son?”

- 134 -

Joannes Rhino

Suddenly, I heard a roar in my ears. At first, I thought it was a spontaneous reaction in my brain cell because of this information. But then I heard the rainstorm outside the building. Of course, I was in shock. Massive bombs just dropped on me. How could I miss this serious matter? Emilia was murdered.

It was definitely not a pathetic prank that should be said from a mother about her child’s death. What is wrong with my memory?

I froze in bitterness, panic, and anger. I could not believe I was capable to give a false testimony about Emilia’s death not just to myself but also to the world. Ironic, really, the way I felt at the time. And even worse, I refused to believe such fact. I kept on saying to myself that Emilia died because of an infection in her brain tissue.

Seeing me still in shock, Jennifer took over the conversation. “Emilia was a victim of murder?”

“She was. Didn’t James tell you?” She frowned.

“Well… he doesn’t talk a lot about her.”

“I hope you could understand why he doesn’t share the story. Try to put yourself in his shoes. It was something that you want to share to no one.”

“I understand.” Jennifer glanced at me. I could sense there were so many questions hanging around her.

Mrs. Torres took a deep breath, trying to conceal her emotions. I noticed the weariness in her eyes. I guessed she could not have slept well over these years. And, probably, she was having the same nightmares as I was. This made me wonder, does Emilia try to tell me something in my dreams?

- 135 -

The Unseen Face

“Where did it happen?” I suddenly snapped with a high tone. Mrs. Torres gazed at me with a strange look. So I tried to repress my emotions. “I’m sorry. I’m facing this kind of mental issue. I kinda’ forget lots of things.”

“It was in the hotel room. I can’t recall the name. It never crossed my mind that such a horrible thing would ever happen to my only child. Although I know the murderer is in jail, it doesn’t make me feel any better. Even if I could kill that man with my bare hands, it still wouldn’t bring my daughter back.

Nothing will stay the same now.”

“Where’s this murderer being locked up?” I asked, quick and straight to the point, like a striking thunder.

“Somewhere in the east. Iredell County Jail.”

I noted the location in my mind. “Do you still remember his name?”

“Adam Jackson. I won’t ever forget that name.”

I let the grieving session continue as I started making plans. There will be a further investigation on this. I needed some solid proof. I needed to see the evidence from the crime scene. I would even dig Emilia’s grave if that's what it took. In my mind, I imagined myself seeing the face of the murderer.

I didn’t know how long I had been trapped with the plans in my head, and by the time I realized, the entire living room had fallen back into silence.

Jennifer seemed to have run out of topics, while Mrs. Torres looked so tired. Perfect timing to make a move.

“I guess we better go. Thanks for having us,” I spoke up.

- 136 -

Joannes Rhino

Mrs. Torres got up. “You know my door is always open for you, dear.”

“Again, I’m sorry to bring up the subject.”

“That’s okay.” She waved to the gardener to escort us.

I saw the Irish security guard smiling at me at the front gate. But I ignored him. I was in no condition to be friendly. When I sat behind the dashboard, the clock showed a half past four. The sky looked so wet and dark like a black air balloon covering the entire island. I intentionally took a different route on our way back home. I decided to go through a marshy-wild local village, avoiding potential traffic on the main road at this busy hour.

The road was steep, bumpy, and slippery. I could feel the wheels of the car keep rolling off the track several times.

“Don’t you have anything to say?” Jennifer looked upset with my silent actions.

“Not now, okay? I’m as confused as you are.

Let’s not have this conversation now.”

And so Jennifer didn’t speak a word along the way. I could guess what was inside her mind at the time. I know what she was worried about. But I didn’t have any answer to respond such question. To show a little sympathy, I grabbed her hand and said that everything would be all right. Wouldn’t it?

- 137 -

The Unseen Face

Chapter X

I

t was past midnight, and I still could not sleep. I needed to think; really hard. But such information I had made my mind jammed up inside. I needed to find the missing puzzle to this. Oh, I feel sorry for Jennifer. I dragged her all the way into this mess. She didn’t deserve any of this.

Suddenly, I remembered the letter that I received a week ago, and guessed that it was not a coincidence. I pulled out the letter under a pile of paper, and peeked inside carefully as if something was going to jump out right at me. I AM INNOCENT. That was what it said. When I tried to figure out any clues behind those words, I found a tiny stamp at the end of the letter that said ‘Property of Iredell County Jail’. At the time I also realized that the initial AJ stood for Adam Jackson.

But what was the meaning of all this? Why were all the things that I didn’t expect starting to make sense? I didn’t know what kind of hell was waiting for me ahead, but there was only one way to find out. I was going to visit AJ.

- 138 -

Joannes Rhino

I was so exhausted, mentally. By the time I laid on my bed, the demons of night swallowed me at once; sucked me into the dark place to greet the nightmare. I was too powerless to make any resistance. However, I was well prepared this time.

In fact, I felt a lot of progress. I was able to clench both my hands and felt the hatred. Perhaps, in my subconscious, I could take the fact that Emilia was actually murdered.

As a result, I felt great when I woke up in the morning. I felt excited to face the day. But the funny thing was, was that I didn’t feel like meeting A.J. just yet. I needed to discuss this matter with someone before I faced that murderer. I was thinking of Richard, but then I remembered the appointment with Dr. Jonathan today. I had so many things to talk about. At midday, I left the house.

When my scooter slowly crossed some huge, vacant land near my house, I saw a black dog digging up the dusty ground nearby; head halfunder the ground between his paws. As I remembered, at least over the past few days, that ugly dog was always digging that hole. I made a quick stop to find out what that dog was hiding or searching for under there. But when I got off the scooter and walked closer, the dog looked at me and grimaced at me, as if wanted to eat me alive. I changed my mind and jumped back on.

When I arrived at Dr. Jonathan’s office, his secretary told me that Dr. Jonathan was already waiting inside. I asked the lovely woman to check on Dr. Jonathan’s schedule so I knew how long I should be staying this session.

- 139 -

The Unseen Face

Dr. Jonathan was working on his desk, writing something, when I entered the room. “Hello James. You’re on time.”

“Yeah. I gotta be at the office early today.” I walked directly to the couch and made myself comfortable.

“What time is your shift?”

“It’s still at four. But there are things I need to do first.”

After finishing preparing some paperwork, Dr. Jonathan dragged a chair and sat in front of me.

He placed an ashtray on the table. “Just in case.”

“Gee, doc, I didn’t know you can read minds.” I laughed as I pulled out a pack of cigarettes from my jacket.

“It’s part of the job. So…good to see you again, James. How are you doing?”

I shrugged. “Haven’t been sleeping much.

But… yeah, I’m okay.”

“You’ve had a few tough nights. I can see that.”

“You have no idea.”

“So, how’s the progress?”

“Which part do you wanna know about, doc?”

“Any which topic you want to discuss right now.”

“You know what? I’m actually making a huge progress with my dream. I haven’t been able to control it just yet. But as you told me, I looked closely at the images and figures in the dream.”

He quickly looked at the papers on his lap.

“And what did you see?’

- 140 -

Joannes Rhino

“Weird things for sure. I mean, I thought I was in the surgery room. But then I saw this shovel, soil, gravel, an antique lamp, and… um… what else, um… a hand-made knife, and… um… any other thing that wasn’t supposed to be there. Weird, right?

And all these images, I don’t know how they reflect into my real life.”

He wrote down everything that I mentioned.

“Dreams can be so mysterious. And understanding the meaning of dreams can be downright baffling.

The content of dreams can shift suddenly, feature bizarre elements or frighten us with terrifying imagery. However, the fact that dreams can be so rich and compelling is what causes many to believe that there must be some meaning in every dream.

“And let’s see what you have right now. It is obvious that all the images you saw are the projection of your feelings about a horrific event in the past, in which we can apply this to your loss.

Losing either your parents or your ex-girlfriend. The shovel, soil and gravel are standardized for the grave. The knife means that losing them is killing you. Moreover, the antique lamp explains how you keep looking back and you don’t even realize it.”

“So it was entirely about my past?”

“No need to rush to get to the conclusion. If you are patient enough, in time you should find the messages of the dream.”

“Um… do you really think that this is all just some emotions I tried to ignore?”

- 141 -

The Unseen Face

“In your case, there is no doubt,” he spoke with confidence and assertiveness. I could see his eyes were without any slightest doubt when saying it.

“So it’s impossible if I say that um… Emilia, my ex, was about to communicate with me from beyond somewhere?”

He smiled. “Do you believe in sort of thing?”

“I don’t.”

“So why bring it up?”

“I mean I didn’t.”

“I’m not following you. Am I missing something? What did you not tell me?”

So I spilled out the whole story; starting with the mysterious letter from the prison to the information from the trustable source about Emilia’s death. During the confession, Dr. Jonathan looked me straight in the eye as if he wanted to break through my head. Rough lines on his forehead explained that he was analyzing the subject.

“To be honest, doc, I’m so fuckin’ confused now. Um… excuse my language.”

“Carry on.”

“On one hand, it’s impossible that a mother should lie about her child’s death. And on the other hand, I stayed at the hospital every friggin day during her critical moments until she died. This is so absurd.” I ended my confession with my head down.

Dr. Jonathan was still writing my testimony.

He kept silent long enough that I was starting to assume that he was about to take back his perspective of the dream world.

- 142 -

Joannes Rhino

“I’m sure you still remember we once had a discussion about dissociate disorders. And knowing this, it’s making me believe that you really are at the next stage of this mental state,” he dropped his verdict.

“What do you mean? Didn’t you tell me that one of the indications is forgetting things? Well I don’t. I still remember everything, crystal clear.”

“Maybe. But maybe not.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I took my next cigarette. This was making me nervous.

“Love.” He gave a brief gap. “You know what love really means?”

I didn’t know why he suddenly jumped out of topic. But then, when I tried to think about love, I didn’t know how to describe it. People often don’t know what they are talking about. And when they talk about love, they really don’t know what they are talking about. The one sure thing I can say about love is that there isn’t much I can say about it. Love is a lot of things and subjective, depending on the person who describes it.

“Love is a passion. In some cases, it can also be a temporary madness,” Dr. Jonathan responded my silence. “When you’re in love, you feel like you’re on top of the world and you can do anything that you could never imagine doing before. And I’m guessing this applies to your case as well.”

“Are you saying the feelings I had for Emilia triggered all of this?”

“Or still possibly is. You know better than I do. But it doesn’t matter if you still fall on her. The point is how you loved her then, not now.”

- 143 -

The Unseen Face

I was getting confused. I always had a hard time digesting some of his thoughts. And this was one of them. I suddenly remembered the headline of a column in the newspaper I read months ago.

Psychologist; playing with words and makes you seem like an idiot. I was this idiot.

“And you think I wasn’t being able to feel proper, genuine love?” I protested.

“Look, nobody’s judging anybody here. I’m not even trying to lecture you about love. I’m just simply reaching into the problem.”

“What does this have to do with my dreams anyway?”

“You see, when we’re in love, we’d do anything to keep it going. Are you with me on this?”

I nodded. “Carry on.”

“When you lost Emilia, there was a hole inside you as big as your heart, and yet you still forced yourself to feel the love. But, you see, even the heart has its limit. And there comes a time when your heart can no longer take the ugly truth. And the smartest way you thought at the time to deal with this, was to run away from reality.”

I decided to seal my lips, and waited to see where this was headed.

“So you turned to drugs, alcohol, and lots of activities. But it didn’t work out like what you expected it to. And maybe, just maybe, because you were running out of ideas to escape from the wound, either accidentally or intentionally, you changed the content of the story. This is where the hospital thing took place.”

- 144 -

Joannes Rhino

“I can’t believe this!” I snapped. “You’re not buying anything I said? God! What’s the point in me having this session then? I thought you were with me all this time. I thought you’d help me to figure out this shit. And now you come up with this? To tell me how fucked up my mind really is? Jesus, this isn’t working, doc.”

“As a psychiatrist, I have vowed to make an objective point of view, not to take any side. I’m just putting the puzzle into one piece.”

I glared at Dr. Jonathan. Now the demon was sitting before me, and I must not trust him. I hated the way he tried to trick my mind. His words were poisoning my thoughts and burning my blood with accents terrible of dire combustion. His tongue wounded me, forced me to feel an unfelt sorrow.

This psychiatrist had just become my living demon.

“It is the perfect time for you to open your eyes. You have to consider any possibility from now on,” he continued after finishing writing. “If you have doubts, there are plenty of ways to assure you.

You can start doing a private investigation on this.

Try to find another opinion from friends or Emilia’s relatives. Better yet, go to the homicide section and ask about this murder case. Alternatively, you can also confirm with the hospital where you think Emilia was treated. You see, there are so many ways to ensure this. Just choose one to begin with.”

I felt like I had just committed a crime that I didn’t do. I could feel my pulse getting weaker with every beat. A massive headache came on all off a sudden.

- 145 -

The Unseen Face

“Tell me, doc, let’s say I believe Emilia was murdered, how could I lie to myself in such serious matter?”

“As I said, even the heart has its limit when dealing with pain. Maybe you feel guilty for not being there when she was murdered. And because this guilt seems unbearable to deal with, you accidentally or intentionally created a new side of the story to escape from the guilt.

“I completely have no intention to manipulate your thoughts by doubting anything you believe. I simply just link one thing to another,” he said wisely.

Or, probably, just playing safe, so he could avoid taking any responsibility if anything goes wrong.

I thought that this was it. No way was I going to continue with more sessions with this guy. I’m so done with this psychiatry thing. Before I left the room, Dr. Jonathan asked me to put my name on his schedule for the next appointment.

“Yeah, whatever suits you, doc.” I then disappeared from his office as soon as possible.

In the waiting room, the same man I saw the other day was waiting his turn. He looked at me with his funny look which I answered with a sharp ‘I’mnot-in-the-mood-and-don’t-mess-with-me’ look.

He received the message and looked the other way around.

I arrived at the office fifteen minutes before my shift start, and was soaking wet because I had no time to put on my raincoat when the rainstorm suddenly attacked me on the way. I felt like all eyes were on me when I entered the twenty sixth floor. In their eyes, I was probably no more than a prank in the afternoon.

- 146 -

Joannes Rhino

Four hours passed by, but they felt like a century. I shut down my computer and disappeared from my working desk as soon as I could before heading to the rooftop. I needed to be alone, to regain my composure, to figure out all this mess. At the stairway, I bumped into a security guy who had just finished doing his daily check. He smiled at me and tried to make a joke by saying that I better not plan any suicide on the roof. I ignored the pathetic joke with a single nod.

So, there I was, sitting on the solid cement hugging both knees, staring at the starless dark horizon. I grabbed out my phone and was thinking to call Jennifer to say ‘hi’. Instead of doing so, I just text messaged her. She replied me five minutes after, saying that she was still waiting for my explanation regarding the last issue. I didn’t reply. Not that I still needed some time to think, but I just didn’t have the proper answer.

The metal door behind me slammed shut, and Richard approached.

“Why didn’t you tell me you’re here?” He sat next to me and pulled out a cigarette.

“Thought you were busy.”

“So what’s the update? What’s the deal with Jen?” “Weren’t we gonna have this conversation after work?”

“I’m taking emergency leave tomorrow, and I have to get up early. Sorry, buddy, no time for pep talk after work.”

“Busy, busy man, as always.”

“Cut the crap. Start talking.”

- 147 -

The Unseen Face

“I thought she was cool with everything. But then…” I shrugged. “Well… girls are girls.”

“That’s why I was surprised when you said she’s cool with all this. I mean who can compete with a ghost from the past.”

“Now you sound like her.”

“Just being reasonable. Dealing with an ex is one thing, but dealing with an ex who no longer exists is way too much. I mean how can you fight something when you can’t see who you’re fighting against? And you can’t understand this cause you don’t put yourself in her shoes.”

“She said she’s gonna help me get through this.”

“One lucky bastard. She’s definitely a keeper.”

My head shook. “I gotta make this work, man. I have to.”

“I’m sure you both are going to be just fine.

You’re just having one of those days. But having someone like Jen at your side, you’ll be alright.”

“You know, we went to visit Emilia’s parents yesterday.”

“Oh, did you?”

“I didn’t want to. But, um… I don’t know how to tell you this. You missed out on a lot of shit, man.”

“What did you fuck up this time?”

“You remember I told you that I’m having nightmares ‘bout Emilia?”

Richard snorted. “How can I forget that lousy call in the middle of the night?”

- 148 -

Joannes Rhino

“Yeah, I’ve been dealing with that shit for days. And it was really nasty shit. I saw Emilia’s body torn apart. And the blood…”

“Look, James, not that I don’t care ‘bout your nightmare or whatever you experienced in those dreams. I just don’t see the connection between this and you seeing Emilia’s parents.”

I took a long sigh. “You know how she died?”

“Um… brain tumor… um… something inside her head or anything like that? I can’t recall.”

“An infection in the brain tissue.”

“Yeah, that. What’s ‘bout it?”

“She didn’t die cause of it. She was murdered.”

“What! Are you fucking with me? Messing with the dead is so not cool you know.”

I could not see Richard’s expression at the time, but I was guessing his eyes were glaring at me.

He surely looked as surprised as I did the first time I heard this information.

“That’s what her mother told Jen. She said that Emilia was murdered in the hotel room.”

“No fucking way!”

“I actually didn’t wanna buy that crap. But um… I don’t know, man. You tell me. I mean you wouldn’t lie about your child’s death, would you?”

“You’re saying that you started having doubts on this?”

“Something’s definitely fucked up inside my head. And as much as I try to stick with the memory I have, other things just link up to one another. And the worst part is they’re beginning to make sense.”

“What other things?”

- 149 -

The Unseen Face

“You see I got this letter a week ago from Iredell County Jail. It says ‘I am innocent’. There’s an initial AJ at the end of the letter.”

Richard threw away his cigarette and lit up a new one. “You familiar with those initials?”

“I am now. Adam Jackson. He’s the one who killed Emilia.”

“Damn! This really is fucked up.”

I snorted. “Tell me ‘bout it.”

“How are you hanging, man?”

“What do you think? Shit just keeps on coming and I can’t catch a fucking break. I know there’s a certain point in everyone’s life when everything seems fucked up. But this? What the fuck am I supposed to do with this shit? I don’t know what’s really going on anymore. It’s all jammed up inside, and I don’t even know which part hurts the most. I’m really fucked up, man.”

“I don’t know what to say, James. Sometimes when you can’t see what happens, just be strong.”

“Are you fucking kidding me? Just be strong?

That’s your brilliant advice? Jesus, I could talk to the fucking stars up there and they’d probably tell me something useful than that.”

“So what’s your plan then?”

“I gotta meet face to face with this AJ guy, and I’m gonna get it done by tomorrow. Let’s just see what leads from there. I gotta fix this.”

“You want me to tag along?”

“I better go alone. It’s easier to smash his face when there’s no one around.”

“You do that, man.”

- 150 -

Joannes Rhino

Chapter XI

W

ho would bear to grunt and sweat under a weary life? Is it not the dread of something after death? Puzzling will has made me rather bear those ills I had than flying to others I know not of. My conscience is a coward. And the native hue of the truth was sick, lined with the pale cast of thought.

This is a kind of fighting that will not let me sleep, and it has never served me well. However, it taught me that there’s a divinity beyond the entire nightmare I had experienced.

The man just entered the room and sat there, waiting for the next order. Two armed officers stood behind him next to the entrance, prepared for the worst. I was studying the man from the other room, making sure. But I had never seen that person in my entire life. How can I tell he is the right guy?

He was big, bald, and probably around my age. The fact that he was being guarded during this visit could be because of how extremely dangerous he might be. At the time, he was looking straight at the table; not an angry look, but more like a desperate, empty look. Did he curse himself and regret whatever he did? For what it was worth, I didn’t see the devil inside in him. There was no rage, no sadistic-crazy smile, no nothing. Just someone who didn’t know why he was locked up behind bars.

- 151 -

The Unseen Face

An officer approached at me, and said that I had no more than fifteen minutes to see him. I nodded and stepped in. The room had two small windows, facing directly to the parking lot of Iredell County Jail. I noticed a large two-way mirror on the wall, and was thinking how I was behind that glass a minute ago. The wooden shades filtered the best light of the sun and reflected a long shadow from the table to the floor.

I suddenly was overcome by nerves knowing this would be my first experience sitting face to face with a killer. But I decided to look professional because for this visit I was acting as a representative that The Torres hired to handle the case. I had to stick with the role. The dress code was the first absolute requirement. I intended not to wear a suit because it looked too formal. I didn’t want to look like his lawyer or accountant. I wore a pale blue shirt with a conservative tie that made me look like a relative of The Torres.

I placed my professional black-leather case on the table and pretended to prepare some documents.

I really thought he would be wondering about my visit. But it turned out it was not even on his mind. “What took you so long?� he greeted me.

- 152 -

Joannes Rhino

It took a lot of guts for me to look at him closely. I noticed his face was without any scratches.

No bruises, no mark of blood, or any violent thing that should have been there for spending many years with direct physical contact with other inmates. It seemed to me that this man was untouchable. No one seemed to dare mess with him. Not even a rogue cop who beat up inmates with metal sticks as it often happens in prison. This guy seemed to have been neglected all this time, inside the jail and cast out, as if he suffered a contagious disease.

“Excuse me?” I wondered.

“It’s either that you just received the letter or just finally decided to seek the truth.”

“Yeah, what’s with that, man?”

“Didn’t you read the message?”

“You’re innocent. But I don’t think I know what you’re trying to say.”

“I did not kill her. That’s what I was tryin’ to say. Are you stupid or somethin’?”

“Hey! Easy, man. I come in peace. Do I even know you?”

“You don’t, but I do. She mentioned you a lot.”

“Look man, I’m not getting any of this shit.

And I’m so sick playing all these games. So you better start talking. Who the hell are you and how do you know Emilia?”

He frowned. “Didn’t she mention me at all?”

“We wouldn’t be having this conversation if she did.”

- 153 -

The Unseen Face

“Right, I see. Look man, it’s better this way.

Say I’m savin’ you from gettin’ deeper into the shit that you don’t wanna go to.”

“Hey, don’t tell me what I want!” I snapped.

“Look man…”

“No! You look! If there was something going on between you and her, I have every damn right to know!”

“Alright. Your call. You have a smoke?”

I grabbed a pack of Marlboro out of my pocket and handed it over. The clock was ticking on the other side of the wall. I was running out of time and I still had nothing from this guy.

“I don’t have a whole day here,” I informed.

He burned up the cigarette. “I’m Adam Jackson, and I did not kill her.”

“Oh, fuck me! Just cut the crap, man!”

“Well, it’s true. I was framed. She’d already died when I got there. Blood were everywhere, man.

Nasty shit. Someone suddenly knocked me out from behind before I had a chance to do anything. I’m tellin’ you, it wasn’t me, man.”

Emilia was murdered, and this guy was the second person who claimed this. My heartbeat suddenly pounded with no rhythm. My head got dizzy and slowly was crawling to my eyeballs. Just by the time I blinked, I heard voices inside my head, and images were starting to pop up like a projected slide.

My lips trembled when I tried to speak, “She was murdered?”

- 154 -

Joannes Rhino

“I don’t know what she’d done to deserve such a thing? It was really some nasty shit.

Unthinkable. Consider yourself lucky not seeing her in such a condition.”

“And why were you there? I mean did she ask you to come? And why are you still not telling me how you knew her? Was there something going on between you two? Just fill me in, man.”

“Look, sorry that you have to know it this way, man. She was seeing me behind your back. We were going out for quite some time. I know how unfair this seems to you. But to make you feel any better, you know now.”

The headache was now spread all over my head. I felt like crawling on the edge of a cliff, trying to stand up, until someone smashed me with a sledgehammer right in the face and knocked me down. The devil’s voices inside my head were laughing at me. I felt humiliated. I felt stripped naked in the middle of the road and people were mocking my penis. There was nothing but disgust running in my blood right now. I worshiped Emilia all this time. I made her the queen in my kingdom.

And this was what I get in return? An announcement from an inmate who’s telling me that he had been screwing my lover, even the day before she died?

“For what it’s worth, she loved you more.”

A.J. tried to make me feel better.

“Don’t you dare tell me that I’m better than you! I know damn well I’m a lot better than you!”

“Look, I loved her, okay? And probably as much as you did.”

- 155 -

The Unseen Face

“Don’t talk ‘bout love. Love is full of shit.

And I don’t have that right now.”

“I understand.”

“Just tell me what you want from me? I didn’t plan to get into any of this shit.”

“Okay, about that. I sent you the letter cause I know you’re my last hope. I also sent it to my friends and even The Torres. But no one seems to believe me.”

I sniffed. “Who would’ve? And what makes you think I’m gonna give a damn after the shit you just dropped on me?”

“Yeah, I’m pretty much aware now. But I ain’t gonna apologize for loving her. Because when you see the most amazing beautiful thing you’ve ever seen, you don’t think ‘bout what is right or how to cover it up. I was helpless, man. I can’t stop loving her.”

“I see where you’re heading with this. You’re gonna use mind games on me and make me feel like the bad guy in your disgusting lust.”

“Look, man, let’s just put our problem behind for a minute. Let’s just focus on the real thing, the murder. The real murderer is still out there, and I need you to find him. You gotta help me find this guy, man.”

“Listen, as much as I wanna trust you, which I don’t plan to, I don’t know how to help you.”

“Just dig up some stuff. You’ll find something. I know you will.”

I nodded. “Can’t promise anything.”

“Really appreciate it, man.”

“What do you remember about that night?”

- 156 -

Joannes Rhino

“Like I said, blood was all over the room when I got there. I saw her lying on the floor, naked, before someone knocked me out. That’s what I remember.”

“It doesn’t help at all.”

His head shook. “Yeah, I know.”

“Why did you go to that… hotel?” I felt a wave of jealousy strangle my neck.

“She texted me to come. A short one, saying ‘I’ll be waiting at The Nixon, room 36.’ I’m pretty damn sure it was the killer who sent that message.”

The door snapped open behind me, and an officer that I spoke to earlier stepped into the room.

“Time’s up.” He firmly grabbed my shoulder.

“Let’s see what I can do. No promises.” I got off the chair, and left him with the rest of my cigarette.

The early bloom of romance is a wonderful thing. You meet someone. You have a connection.

And you fall in love. That person then becomes sheer perfection in your eyes. You just cannot find anything wrong with them. Until the world tells you that everything about the person is wrong, that the sweetest thing you’ve been through is nothing but a lie.

I really meant it when I said I was going to help Adam find the killer. As much as I hated him, I didn’t catch any sign of deceit in his eyes. Besides, it was not entirely his fault that Emilia was cheating on me. I had to let go of the anger, and be more focused on the murder case. I really didn’t want to feel sorry about Adam, but I did. He was simply in the wrong place at the wrong time.

- 157 -

The Unseen Face

So, does this mean I suddenly believed that Emilia was murdered? I tried hard not to. But storing all this information in my head -the facts and the testimonies- it was kind of hard not to keep admitting that I had lost this memory. I even had made huge progress in the dream last night. I was able to walk around the operating table, watching every corner of the room. Was Emilia really trying to communicate with me? Did she want to lead me to the real killer? Whatever it meant, there was no point sharing these findings with Dr. Jonathan. He would probably stick with his real-feeling concept of dream.

The clock pointed at one when I quickly peeked into someone’s office. I still had enough time before heading to the office.

“Um…excuse me, officer. Can I have your time for a minute?” I politely asked the officer who escorted me in the dark corridor.

“Make it fast.”

“You see officer, that guy I just met… I believe he’s been charged for something he didn’t do.”

He laughed. “If all thieves came here and said that they just robbed a bank, this prison would be full of criminals.”

“But as an authority, don’t you have to see their motives or defenses before putting them into jail?”

“You know young man, in case you don’t know, there’s a place named court that dealing with that shit, not us.” He snorted. “An official letter from the court is all what it takes. We just put ‘em into this shithole cause they’re meant to be here. End of story.”

- 158 -

Joannes Rhino

“But don’t you ever wonder if someone in this place could be innocent?”

“Listen, son. I’m just doin’ my job here. I care about nothin’ but keepin’ ‘em on my watch. And if you think them being here is ironic, think twice. You don’t wanna know the kinda’ shit they’re capable of outside this fence.”

We stopped and waited for the steel door in front of us open wide, before he continued, “You see, all these inmates are gettin’ proper treatment here.

The scary-rough fucked up prison you see in the movies, it ain’t the real thing. That doesn’t exist in the real world. Here we have medical services, mental health services and so many educational prison programs goin’ on throughout the year. We have various work programs for the inmates to engage ‘em in productive work so they can keep themselves busy. On top of that, this prison has also a domestic violation education program and even an academic educational program. So you see, young man, these fucked up inmates are actually learning somethin’ here. We ain’t gonna let ‘em rot and die inside this shithole, in case you think that way.”

“Glad to know that you guys still have the heart.”

“I’m gonna pretend I didn’t hear that.” He waved a hand to another guard.

“But what if someone in this prison is actually not guilty as charged? I mean it’s possible, right?”

He shrugged. “Means bad luck for ‘em. And I can do nothin’ ‘bout it. You are aware that there’s some procedure and process before they got here.

And when they’re here, well it’s done for ‘em.”

- 159 -

The Unseen Face

We stopped at the counter of nursery goods where I had to hand over the visitor card to an officer behind the booth. I then stepped aside to give way to another visitor checking in.

“I just think that my friend back there is innocent.”

He laughed sarcastically. “And what makes you think that? Just for your information, you’re the first person who has come visit him. You know damn well what that means.”

“Means he has no friends?”

“You’re really somethin’, you know that?

After all these years, why have you suddenly just shown up askin’ this stuff anyway?”

“Guess something came up.”

“And I wonder what that might be. Listen, son, I’m gonna save you from trouble. Your friend back there, he’s guilty. Plain and simple. There are papers and evidence to support his crime.”

“And I need to take a look at that.”

He dragged me to the corner of the corridor.

“Please remind me again why I must help you.”

“I need solid proof that he is or he isn’t guilty.”

“Well I also need somethin’ solid on hands.

Everything has its price. You know what I mean.” He grinned.

I slid my hand into the pocket. “Oh, yeah, silly me.”

“Not here. Follow me.”

I waited at someone’s working desk while the officer went into a room. I saw him flirting with a female officer before approaching me with a sickly smile.

- 160 -

Joannes Rhino

“Slide it in under those.” He pointed at the papers on the desk in front of me. “And it better be worth with the risk I’m takin’ here.” He then handed over the marked ‘confidential’ files.

“I really appreciate this, officer.”

“Whatever you’ll see in there ain’t coming from my mouth. No copying. No takin’ pictures.

That’s a see-only file.” He took away the bribe on the desk and walked out of the room.

When I opened the first page, I smelled the dust of five-year-old archives in a poor quality paper.

I examined closely the report of the officer who first arrived at the crime scene and testimony from a number of witnesses. The report said that the victim, Emilia Torres, was found lifeless in a horrible condition. Her whole body covered in blood, lying supine on the bed, naked. The team of investigators estimated that there were at least five times stabbings in the chest and stomach by a sharp object, without any indication of resistance from the victim. Adam Jackson, the suspect, was found unconscious on the floor beside the bed, in a face-down position, still holding a murder weapon with bloodstains all over it. There were fresh bruises on the back of his neck due to blunt impact. The post mortem ensured that there was no penetration into the victim’s genitals, which means no sexual activity occurred before or after the victim died. The investigator pulled out the conclusion of an attempted rape and replaced it with a first-degree murder case.

- 161 -

The Unseen Face

On the last page of the file there were attached photographs of the incident. There were pictures of Emilia in various angles lying innocent and blood covering her naked pale flesh. These findings slapped me hard on the face, and made me realize at once. It forced me to stop running from the inconvenient fact that Emilia was indeed murdered.

- 162 -

Joannes Rhino

Chapter XII

P

eople talk to me a lot as if the most important thing in life is to always see things for what they really are. As much as I want to deny it, it seems impossible not to agree with that. It’s absolutely right. What we see is the reality. Ironically for me, what lay before me was a pack of horrible things that will come soon. This makes everything that I have done in the passing years and everything I felt back then as just some kind of a lie. I can only wish that my eyes were shut permanently and pretend nothing really happened.

I’ve come to the time I’ve always known was coming. I knew that there was something wrong with me. People around me think that this is a big deal. And I probably should start thinking that way because this really was getting scary. It’s like having a nightmare and you cannot get up. Or worse, waking up from a nightmare just to find the scariest thing in waking life. Now I could not stop what was coming next. I always had the feeling that one day I would have to do something very hard with my life.

I guess that day had arrived. I only hoped I could face this without anyone getting hurt.

I sat motionless on my scooter. The painful headache was still circling inside my head; it left me nothing but unbearable emotions. I was not sure which emotion dominated the most. Was it anger?

Hate? Fear? Love? Or perhaps each of them took their own role inside me.

- 163 -

The Unseen Face

There were two missed calls from Richard. I didn’t feel like talking to him right now. I didn’t know what to say and how to explain about these findings. This was the error of my mind, and I needed to know why.

The sky was as dark as my mood that day. I heard the roaring behind dark clouds. I geared up and rode my scooter without any direction.

Obviously, it was impossible to think about going to the office in this mental state.

I decided to pull over when the rain started to drop rapidly, crackling on my helmet. I parked my scooter under the first tree I saw. Not far behind me, a tin-roof hut seemed quite promising than this tinyleafless tree. So I ran there after grabbing the raincoat from the trunk of my scooter.

My phone vibrated before I sat on the wooden bench at one side of the hut. Jennifer was trying to reach me. I honestly didn’t want to talk to anyone at this moment. However, considering Jennifer finds that communication is so important, I decided to take the call.

“Hey, so noisy out there. Where are you?”

“Um… it’s raining here.” I was half shouting.

“It’s almost four, James. You’re going to be late.”

“I don’t think I’m gonna make it.”

“You’re not going to work?”

“Guess not.”

“So what’s your plan now?”

“Don’t have one. Just gonna wait out this rain and head home. Wanna meet up at my place?”

“Sounds great.”

“I’ve got something you might wanna know.”

- 164 -

Joannes Rhino

“What is it?”

“Let’s just talk later, okay?”

“Okay. Be there in an hour.”

The massive rain magically stopped. I changed my mind to light up a cigarette. I guessed God wanted me to quit smoking. So I rushed back on my scooter. In the next half an hour, I saw people in my neighborhood cleaning up the scattered leaves on the road and the puddles that broke into their porch.

I smiled when my scooter turned into an alley at a crossroad. The ugly dog I saw yesterday and days before was there, in the same place, doing the same activity. He stared at the ground and continued to stare at it impassively. Whatever was buried beneath the ground was so important to him. His face was lit up by the passing headlights. From my angle, I could only see that the pavement by his paws was littered with broken glass, twisted scraps of metal, black rubber from blown tires. In a different situation, I would have definitely wanted to find out what is the dog looking for. But not today. I didn’t want to get into trouble with Jennifer by coming home late over this stupid dog.

Jennifer arrived fifteen minutes after I entered the house. She was watching a classic movie when I finished showering. She had not wiped off the makeup on her face. It was a pitiful impression of her persistence to keep showing me her best look. It felt like she needed to maintain her perfect appearance in front of me. I was not sure if that was such a sad fact or just me being so ungrateful.

“Have you informed the office?” She turned out the television.

- 165 -

The Unseen Face

I rubbed my face with a towel. “Richard will cover me up.”

“So what do you want to tell me?”

“Yeah…. I just met him.”

Her forehead wrinkled. “Met who?”

“Um… I actually went to the state prison this morning. I had to see him, Jen.” She glared. “What? Why didn’t you tell me?

You know, James, this is one of the things I need you to share. It seems simple, but it’s a big deal for me.”

“Well I’m not gonna apologize for this one.

This is my thing.”

“I’m no more than an outsider, is that it? God, James! We’ve been through this.”

“You’re putting this in a wrong way. I just need to get into this by myself. Why do we even have to fight over this? I’ve got bigger things to figure out, for Christ sake!” I grabbed a seat but changed my mind, and kept standing against the wall.

There were a few moments of silence. When we both were taking time off to calm down, I left Jennifer alone to make her a cup of tea. I hoped that might help.

“Sorry for being so hard on you lately.” I handed over the tea to her. “It’s been a rough week for me. All this information… the facts… they just keep on coming. And the worst part is they’re all starting to make sense. Everything’s so messed up.”

Jennifer sipped the tea. “What do you mean?”

- 166 -

Joannes Rhino

“Emilia was really murdered, and Adam, the guy I met in prison, confirmed it. He told me that he was being accused of murder. He didn’t kill Emilia. I actually didn’t wanna believe anything he said until the warden showed me the documents of the murder case. And you don’t wanna know what I saw in there.”

I could feel Jennifer giving me that ‘I-don’tknow-how-to-react’ look. She surely didn’t know what to do. Was she going to hold me to make me feel good? Was she going to whisper to me and say all the words she doesn’t even believe? Or was she going to keep her mouth shut, while I kept on drowning into this unbearable feeling? Whichever way, I guessed the most neutral stance in this situation was to be a good listener, which is what she did.

“This is really… God, what is really happening inside me? I mean I still clearly remember waiting in the hospital, talking with the doctors, staying at the side of her bed every friggin day. I won’t forget that. But, this! Oh, am I going insane now? This can’t be right! None of this make sense!”

“Um… have you ever had a brain scan?”

Jennifer spoke up carefully after a long silence.

“Don’t take this the wrong way. I mean if you ever had a concussion back then, all of this would make sense.”

I sighed. “Not that I’m aware of.”

“I’m just saying everything happens for a reason, and this too. Maybe you might want to consider doing a brain scan.”

“Saint Joseph Central Hospital.”

- 167 -

The Unseen Face

“Pardon?”

“That’s the place where she stayed. Saint Joseph Central Hospital. I’m sure of that.”

“You sure you’re not mixing it up with something else?”

“Pretty sure.”

“We’d better find out then.”

She grabbed the phone and dialed the information. The next minute, she had already talked to the receptionist of St. Joseph Central Hospital. I suddenly felt how stupid I had been. If I had done that myself days ago, none of these confusing thoughts would be circling my head.

Jennifer threw me a look of pity when she hung up the phone.

“No luck?” I crossed my fingers.

“Unless that girl was lying on me, no Emilia Torres had been registered in their database. I asked her to double check, even for the last ten years. But nothing.”

“You sure?”

She pointed at the phone. “You can call them by yourself, or visit them instead.”

“Shit! What the hell is going on with me?”

“Listen to me, James. It doesn’t matter what really happened to you back then. What matters is…”

“Well it matters to me!” I snapped. “This is not like losing stuff, or forgetting to put out the trash.

It’s me losing it and my whole friggin past life! You can’t just ask me to let go whatever thing I missed back then and pretend nothing ever happened. It’s not that simple!”

- 168 -

Joannes Rhino

“You know it’s actually that simple if you put aside that feeling you still have about her.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Look, James, I really respect her as someone who once used to be the special one in your life. And I really meant it when I said wanted to help you get through this. But this is now getting too much for me to handle. It’s not just the fact that you’re still harboring feelings for her, but also the fact that you don’t seem wants to let them go.”

“We’ve discussed this, okay?”

“And I’ll tell you this, you won’t find any logical explanation of this situation until you put aside your feelings. This makes you blind.”

“Oh? So now my feelings have screwed up my memory?”

“Obviously.”

“Is it even related?”

She shrugged. “Seems to be.”

“Well… try to put yourself in my position.”

“I did. Why do you think I asked you to see Emilia’s parents? Why do you think I wanted to find out whether Emilia’s name was ever listed at Saint Joseph Central Hospital? If you think that’s not supportive enough…I was trying to feel what you feel. Instead, you’re treating me as an enemy who wants to steal your heart away from her.”

- 169 -

The Unseen Face

I really felt sorry for Jennifer. I never wanted to drag her into this mess. Now, look what have I done?

Frankly, I was just having some difficulty digesting what I had in mind. There were so many facts and assumptions that made communication seem difficult. And I didn’t need her to pull in the clear conclusion that this was entirely my fault.

“James, I love you, and I hate to see you like this. But I just…I don’t think I can pretend I’m okay with this any longer. I’m sorry.”

I heard Jennifer sobbing when she walked out the door, but I just kept on sitting as if nothing had happened. Maybe I got distracted with the voices in my head.

As I blank-stared at the walls, I sent back my memory to the days before Emilia died. I tried to find any possibility that I might have miss-remembered the actual incident. But I found nothing. I never had a concussion, and Emilia died of the disease. The latest findings I got from the state prison were not helping at all.

Sick and tired of guessing, I made myself think like a detective facing a murder case. I had to admit that this killer had his own motive. Emilia was not just a victim who happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. This must have been planned, and the victim had been determined.

Judging from the condition of the victim, the killer apparently harbored some tremendous anger with someone or something. The victim, perhaps, had done something hurtful to the killer, or the killer was made upset about something.

- 170 -

Joannes Rhino

I assumed the victim knew the killer well enough to be in the same room when the murder took place. Probably there was some romance between them. I could say this based on the visual framework from the police archives, which I think were very close to the truth. In my mind, I was picturing the pieces of a mosaic combined into one form of an absolute beauty.

As the violent incident began to grow into a solid form inside my head, I was amazed with the clarity of my thoughts. The doubts left me all the sudden, eaten by the absolute realization that I might be putting too much trust in someone I just met. It was now clear to me that Adam Jackson was the real murderer, and jealousy was the only motive behind his act. He cannot take the fact that Emilia chose me over him.

This led me to the next chronological incident, which based on police report took place in the hotel room. The ideal motive of the killer and his schemed murder method had been revealed now.

His testimony about being knocked down from behind was nothing but a hoax to trick me. The bruise on the back of his neck was just an alibi he had used to lose the trail. Nevertheless, bad luck for him, that alibi was not good enough to save him from the murder accusation.

- 171 -

The Unseen Face

The longer I thought, the more I was satisfied with this conclusion. I admired myself for my achievement uncovering traces of the enemy –who tried to manipulate my mind– with foresight, acumen and personal analysis. This kind of thought appeared on the surface because I tried to think as the killer who had the same obsession and idealism.

This method turned out to be very effective to know my enemy.

I suddenly felt a lot better. My success in controlling the imaginary figure of the killer from the demons made me confident and arrogant. The fog that clouded my judgment had disappeared. I felt extremely prepared to face the demons in my dream tonight.

- 172 -

Joannes Rhino

Chapter XIII

W

hile The Doctor performed some art with his ‘surgery’, I was pacing around the operating table. I decided not to look at Emilia’s innocent face.

For some reason, I still felt some disappointment knowing about her affair. Instead of feeling sorry for her, I wanted to express my anger at something else.

I squinted at the doctor. Although I still could not see his face, I was sure that this guy was Adam Jackson. But the strange thing was, I didn’t feel the slightest resentment against him. And suddenly I was not feeling sure he was the real killer. He didn’t look like the murderer that I pictured him as earlier.

The man who stood before me was a manifestation of an innocent creature, and I could not bear to face this awkwardness. I should have killed him at that very moment, and not have these second thoughts.

I glanced at a wooden bat in the corner near me, and grabbed it. There was some fluid dripping off the bat, but I was not really paying attention to that. The only thing I had in mind was just to bury this awkwardness and get it over with. So I slid on the floor as I was ready to address the emotion that I should have felt. But my arms trembled and my knees shook; my heart pounded so loud that I could hear it screaming inside me. I was powerless to lift up this piece of wood. I didn’t think I was able to smash the guy in the face. I staggered, and had to support my body with the stick to avoid falling down on my knees. It was really embarrassing to see how I melted before this guy.

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My whole body was about to go limp, like a woman in the arm of her prince charming. My body kept sagging until eventually I knelt down beside him. And I continued to fall down in a position of total surrender, like Egyptians worshipping their pharaohs or gods. My heart was still entangled with some odd feelings of compassion, tenderness, and love. For God’s sake! How could I fall in love with a murderer? Where was the sanity that left me?

The hidden and unbearable cries exploded inside of me, burst in me, and tore down my fortress defenses, which then snapped me away from the dream.

A sense of embarrassment still haunted me like shadows. I hesitated to believe what just happened, but it felt so real. It felt to me like it was my lost emotion that I had been searching for, which needed only a matter of time before it appeared on the surface. This really didn’t make any sense.

It was already eight in the morning. I had a really long sleep. As I sat on the bed, the demons of my sleep kept mocking at me. I smiled bitterly, and was thinking that I actually was still powerless to control my dream. I was then wondering what it was that Emilia had tried to tell me.

Exactly at nine o’clock, I jumped onto my scooter to Richard’s place. I had to tell him about this Adam thing. When I turned into an alley near my house, I saw that dog again, at the same spot, doing the same thing. This time, I decided to end my curiosity.

- 174 -

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I parked my scooter next to the gutter, and then hopped down. The dog noticed and quickly glanced at me before continuing whatever he was doing in the hollow ground. I could hear my both knees creak when I squatted next to the dog to inspect him. From this angle, it was clear that the pit bull had been badly abused. One ear had been chewed to mince; his hide was scored with cigarette burns; flies crawled in his bloodied fur.

The poor dog kept on digging, and every once in a while he buried his head into the one-foot deep hole and sniffed. I guessed that he had just found something under there. What I saw was just the moist soil below the gravel. Nothing special.

Probably the dog figured the same thing and continued digging.

My level of curiosity began to haunt like hell, and I could not walk away. For some reason, I was not able to get up and leave this damn dog alone, as if some sort of strange energy pulled me into the hole. I finally decided to intervene. I started to dig up the hole using the twigs at first and then bare hands.

The dog stopped working, giving me a chance to show off.

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The Unseen Face

Five minutes passed by, and another ten minutes went by, but I still had not found anything.

This made me even more furious. I could feel beads of sweat beginning to pop out on every pore of my body, and that was when I decided to take a break. It never occurred to me that doing this ridiculous activity was a strange way to start a day. I didn’t even bother to wonder what was in people’s mind seeing me like this. It was too late to bail out anyway.

I was already half way finished when I found something beneath this damp ground.

I looked up. The sun still lay yonder east of the horizon. Wasting time was the last thing I wanted to do. I got up and ran back home to take a shovel that I hid somewhere below the pile of tools in the garage. Some of the neighbors asked me, making sure I was not getting into some shitty stuff. Maybe they were just being curious. I just answered them with a smile and pointed at someplace. I could hear them grumbling behind me. I just stepped forward and disappeared as fast as I could.

I stood proud when I arrived at the excavation site. But the dog didn’t seem aware that I had the proper equipment for this job, and he continued to erode the ground until I pushed his head with the tip of the shovel to get out of the hole.

“Let me show you how to do this thing, boy.”

So I dug lump after lump until it piled up around the hole. The deeper I dug the more solid the soil layer got. I imagined that something awesome awaited me down there. I was thinking of finding some fossils or some million-year-old bones that would make me rich.

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Not long after, in about five feet of depth, my shovel smashed at something solid. I thought I had reached the bottom layer of soil, which might only be piles of coral or rock. But when I looked at it closely and stuck it hard with my shovel, it was clear to me that there was a box made of wood buried down there. I squatted and tried to rub the bottom of the hole with the palm of my hand.

I took off the shovel and let it fall on the dog’s head. He barked away, but then sniffed the shovel. I knelt down and let my fingers play the role of an eye down there, as I tried to reach the box. When my grip had stabled enough, I pulled it out as hard as I could.

My left elbow reacted quickly, supporting my back, and I avoided falling down on the ground. The box flew from my grasp and fell next to the dog’s head.

He immediately sniffed it to make sure that the box was the thing he had been looking for. I crawled over to the dog and placed the box away from him.

By the time I was back on my feet, I looked at the box carefully and wiped the remnants of sand that still stuck to some parts of it. The box was not too large. The size was about one half that of a normal shoebox. My guess, on seeing the fibers of the wood, was that this box formerly used to store antique children’s toys. No initial was on the box.

There was no stamp, no company logo, nothing.

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The Unseen Face

I ended my curiosity and opened the box. I was stunned to see what I saw. I could feel my heartbeat banging against walls of my chest and screaming inside. I almost could not breathe. I gasped, running out of air. The hairs on my neck responded in unison. I shuddered uncontrollably.

My eyes rolled, as if a little bird was playing inside them, and I began to feel dizzy. Nevertheless, I kept on staring at the contents of the box.

I noticed piles of photographs inside. They were pictures of Emilia. Pictures of her with me, and her with Adam Jackson. There was also a notebook, a pair of old dusty hand gloves and some scrap papers filled with handwriting. I could not stand it any longer. I felt my body starting to shake as I limped back.

This can’t be right! This is not making sense at all. I shouldn’t find any of these here. Not now! Not in this life! I needed to think through what was behind the ambiguity of my memory. This all seemed impossible. I didn’t remember having any of this stuff, keeping them deep underground. So many questions ran through my head, sparking off at the nerves of my brain. I had no bright spot indicating to me how these things ended up here.

- 178 -

Joannes Rhino

Chapter XIV

O

bviously, there was no question necessary that my plans were now shattered. I had decided not to go to the office and figured out the excuse later on.

I was fully aware that losing a job was the consequence of doing this, but I just didn’t care.

What mattered now was this; the new findings in front of me.

I disconnected every form of communication to the outside world. I needed to be cast away from the real world in order to address this thing properly.

I understood Jennifer probably wanted to know my updates or that Richard wanted to know my whereabouts. But talking either to any of them was not helping. They would ask more stuff, which I was not sure how to respond to. What I really needed right now was to recover my memory. Hopefully, these findings were the answer I was looking for.

I lost track of time every time I thought of Emilia. And that was exactly what happened. God knows how long I had been staring at those pictures of me with Emilia somewhere in a park at sunset.

Yes, I remember that moment. I remember when it was taken. I still remember how I felt to her. Even, right at that moment, I could hear the quacking ducks in the river and the singing birds flying towards the west of the horizon. I could feel the chilly winds starting to crawl on my skin making my body shudder. I was there, inside the pictures, in my memory.

- 179 -

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I quickly looked at the other photographs on the table, and found Emilia with Adam Jackson in so many poses. I saw them hanging out at a party, having dinner in a fancy restaurant, making out inside some ancient buildings, making eye to eye contact at the back of a car, hugging each other in some reunion, and so many other events they attended until I wanted to throw up.

I could not stand to feel this hatred, and I didn’t even know which of them that I hated the most. Did I hate the way Adam stole Emilia and ruined everything I had with her? Did I hate seeing the way he was hitting on her in those pictures? Did I hate the way he passionately looked at her in her eyes as if he was telling her that he is was better than me? On the other hand, was it actually Emilia that I hated the most? Was it the way she smiled in satisfaction when Adam’s hands were all over her, and the way she kissed him back? I guessed, maybe, I hated them both. I hated them for ruining my life and for making me look like an idiot all this time. Or perhaps, though I tried hard not to admit the horrible fact, I hated seeing how happy they were.

My eyes then froze at one snapshot. It was taken from behind for some reason. It was clear to me that they were about to enter a hotel. I was pretty sure because I noticed a guy in uniform standing in front of the entrance. Plus, I also noticed another guy in the same uniform pushing a trolley full of luggage.

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Joannes Rhino

I quickly threw away that picture and leaned back on the couch. I needed to sort through my emotions. I must keep myself in one piece. I closed my eyes and pretended that I was sitting peacefully in a remote area where no one could mess with me.

Luckily, that form of meditation worked like a charm.

As my emotions came back in one place, I collected these pictures into one pile and took out the scraps of paper from the box. It felt weird when I realized it was my handwriting printed on those papers. I had no idea what was written there. I wrote down some listing of days on each piece of paper, numbers that showed the time between one gap and another, some calculations marked with a cross, the names of people or locations, and some other words I could barely read. My guess was that I was doing some research for a school project. It doesn’t mean anything.

I placed the papers onto the same pile as the photographs, and grabbed out a notebook from the bottom of the box. It was a diary; Emilia’s. I saw her name clearly listed inside the front cover. Of course, I could not resist this curiosity. I wanted to know what was inside Emilia’s head during her lifetime. I needed to know more about her, to find out her biggest secret in life and her passion. I needed to figure out the missing link in our relationship. I do understand that sometimes curiosity can simultaneously be a poison. I just hoped this curiosity didn’t work that way.

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When I read the few first lines, the sky suddenly roared, as if about to say that the book was confidential and I was unauthorized to continue reading. I understood that everyone has right to privacy, and that I had just crossed that line.

However, I thought, this was no longer about right or wrong, ethical or unethical. This was a matter of logical and common sense. No one was going to get hurt anyway. I am sure anyone in my position would do the same thing.

The diary started in middle school. She admitted having difficulty in making friends for the first month of school. I snorted and smiled. I had never thought a person like Emilia, who knew exactly how to behave in public, had a problem with self-esteem. I also acknowledged that she was pretty lame with her love life. Based on her testimony, she always ended up with a broken heart.

I skipped several pages and continued reading about her early years of high school. In this section, she had no trouble socializing. She had so many friends who looked up to her, and she had had the greatest time ever. Everything was running smoothly for her. She was living life to the fullest. In this part, Emilia became the person I knew.

I grabbed a snack from the kitchen when I realized it was nearly four o’clock in the afternoon. I was sure there were tons of messages in my voice mail, but I had not planned to activate my phone just yet. So I sat back on the couch and continued with my reading.

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Joannes Rhino

March 27, 2000 ~ why does it have to be him? I mean he barely speaks, and gosh, he’s so mysterious. All my friends believe he’s a total freak. Well, what do they know anyway? You can never judge a book by its cover. Not that I’m defending him. I just want to be fair. And clearly, he’s unlike most of the boys I know.

He’s… different. Unique. Cool. I guess it’s him acting in this cold killer style that I really dig.

I smiled, realizing I was the subject now.

Apparently, this was her first impression of me. No wonder. I never thought Emilia had fallen for me at first sight. Well I don’t believe in love at first sight anyway. I mean someone who claims to have that sort of moment is nothing more than full of bullshit.

There is no such thing as love at first sight. Chances are either lust or curiosity that triggers the love.

He’s soaking wet, but he just didn’t care.

Instead, he gave me these roses. Oh, how sweet of him. This may not be my first time getting flowers from a guy. But the way he did was unlike any other boys. I saw it in those eyes. He gave me that puppy look that I can’t resist. I mean how could anyone say no to that? I still can’t believe he’s officially my boyfriend now.

I smiled smugly. I could never forget that night.

- 183 -

The Unseen Face

He’s too kind. But why do I feel this way?

Something is definitely wrong here. Am I making a bad call? It’s not him, I know it’s not. It’s not about the attention and all his caring. Who doesn’t want to get that kind of treatment from a guy? But I just feel like sometimes he’s doing too much, and that, in some way it’s really annoying me. I just can’t say no to whatever he does. I don’t have the right reason not to accept that. After all, he’s just being a nice boyfriend. And what’s wrong with that? This is totally on me. I made him into this loving, caring monster.

My forehead wrinkled. I didn’t understand what she meant. Why did she all of a sudden feel having me as a boyfriend was a mistake? Why didn’t she tell me about this? I knew she was still keeping something from me here. Even in her own diary, she didn’t give any clarity about her feelings for me at the time.

I don’t know what was going through my mind. I should’ve gone home before he started whining like a child just to make me stay. Casual sex is one thing, but having sex when you don’t feel like you want to is really frustrating. On one hand, I can always just fake. But on the other hand, I just can’t enjoy it. I mean, come on, it should’ve been just for fun. And now, me having to deal with pressure like this, I just want to call it off.

- 184 -

Joannes Rhino

I sniffed. This was getting deeper and too much to handle. I now cursed myself for reading this journal. I took a quick time-out to restore my emotion back in place. I drank a half bottle of cold soda from the fridge. It slowly crept up inside me and calmed myself down. I lit up a cigarette as I jumped back on the couch. It was six in the afternoon, and I didn’t feel hungry at all.

Lately, I feel more like an obsession rather than a lover. He’s made me into one of his obsessions. Everywhere I go, he’s always there. He even insisted on joining me on my weekly girl’s night out. That’s insane! And all the text messages and the calls, like every friggin hour? What’s with that? Come on! Doesn’t he have anything to do besides bug me? Doesn’t he have his own life? I need my free time, my goddamn privacy! I’ll go crazy if I keep getting this. This is not the kind of relation I want to have. This is… I don’t even know what this is.

- 185 -

The Unseen Face

I paused. Was it true that my undoubted feelings about Emilia had been violating the thin line between fairness and temporary madness? I then remembered Dr. Jonathan once mentioned to me that “Falling in love may feel like a meeting of hearts and minds. But it’s actually a kind of temporary insanity driven by hormones.” Was this what he meant by the moment of madness? Did I accidentally put aside my sincere love and turn it into some wild obsession beyond the limits of reasonableness? However, I believed everything that I did to Emilia was an expression of pure love. I guessed she was the one who was in denial.

I know how wrong this may look. But I got to do this. I need to find the missing piece inside me. And I found that piece in him. He’s more mature and settled. He understands me. I feel safe being with him. So comfy. I can’t put this into words. All I know, this is the first time I have felt this way. I feel so alive. I enjoy every moment with him. Even when we were just sitting and not doing anything, I felt really happy. Is this what they call happiness? Is this me being happy? My feeling says this is right.

Does this mean I have to...

I stopped reading as I realized this was the part where the third party was about to interfere in my life. Frankly, I was too upset to continue reading the following pages. However, once again, curiosity is a poison that is somewhat difficult to control.

- 186 -

Joannes Rhino

This is definitely not just a simple crush.

I have really fallen for him. And I know he feels the same way. I can’t keep on doing this to him.

He’ll find out eventually. I gotta tell him about James. God, why does everything have to be this hard? This is what’s best for everyone…

I never thought he was going to be that calm. He’s so mature responding like this, and not being selfish at all. I can’t express how lucky I am having him around. He is all I ever wanted in a guy. I hope James will understand why I had to do this…

If I didn’t remember that I needed to know the rest of the story. If I didn’t care at all about the missing part inside my memory, I would’ve torn that book apart into pieces and let no one ever find out about this.

November 24, 2003 ~ Dilemma. I really want to be selfish by doing this. But I don’t think I have the guts to tell this to James. I mean, he keeps continuing being nice, which is pissing me off. This really is my fault. I shouldn’t have done this from the beginning. But I must end this. I’m so sick of lying and pretending as if this is not happening. I need to find the nicest way to explain this. He’s going to be devastated, I know that. And I’m afraid he’s going to do something stupid. God, this is killing me.

- 187 -

The Unseen Face

January 18, 2004 ~ AJ told me that if he were in James position, he’d understand why I had to do this. Not that I’m taking sides or anything, but I mean if James really loves me, he should respect me for making this decision. A relationship is a two way road. It’s not about winning or losing. It’s a matter of feeling. It’s impossible to continue a relationship without feelings. But what’s stopping me for saying this to James? I guess I’m just being paranoid....

I put the diary on the table, while I let my body slump on the couch. I massaged the base of my nose, preventing a headache that seemed ready to strike. I looked briefly at the clock. It was ten at night, and I was thinking of taking a rest for a moment. Two or three hours lying on the couch would’ve probably been enough to restore the condition of my body. Hopefully, my emotions would also be stable enough to deal with the biggest issue in the notebook.

- 188 -

Joannes Rhino

Chapter XV

E

ven at that very moment, I knew exactly that I had already fallen asleep and jumped into the dream world; of course, with the same figures and scene. I vividly remembered last night I was down on my knees behind the killer. I told myself to be stronger now.

As I walked around the operating table, I felt my admiration of Emilia collapse like a hundred year old building. Seeing her lying there and looking so innocent made me feel so sick. In this dream, everything seemed so bright. The only light appeared from an antique chandelier in the middle of the room and maximized my sight up to the spots I had not seen before. The wooden kitchen knife flashed in the hands of the doctor. The red stains that bubbled out of Emilia’s flesh flew onto the table and dripped onto the floor. I could smell the fresh blood as I breathed.

I glanced at the other corner of the room.

Next to a shovel, I saw the same wooden box as the one I found this morning. I wondered why I had not noticed this box the nights before. When the doctor finished his masterpiece and spread the sheets to bind the victim’s body, I stepped behind him and noticed the clean-white linen with floral roses of various colors all over it. Unlike last night, this time I had no intention to hurt the doctor. I just wanted to stand beside him until I finally saw the actual face of my terror.

- 189 -

The Unseen Face

He took one-step back, showing me what he just did to Emilia. I could see the red stains seeping in the linen, dripping onto the floor. He then turned around and thrust the knife towards me. My eyeballs were slowly creeping up to see his face and I could not believe what I saw. I felt like standing in front of a mirror and seeing my own reflection. The doctor was me. I had been the terror in my own dream all this time.

I gasped out all of my air, as I bounced out of the dream. My fingers were squeezing at the couch leather so tight. I felt like something had stabbed me right in my heart and it felt like tons of steel on top of my chest.

Running out of breath due to a punch in the stomach by an iron tip blunt, that was pretty much how I felt. It felt like I had crashed and nearly choked to death. My heart had just been stabbed, thrown, broken, shattered, smashed and stepped on. While my eyes still spun around and circled, I held my body with my elbows as I leaned back on the couch.

When I finally inhaled enough oxygen into my lungs, I grabbed my stomach, trying to find any wound that should have been there. I imagined my intestines had spilled out all over me. But then I only found the beads of sweat from the pores of my stomach. It took me nearly a minute to realize that I was not going to die today, that my body was still intact.

- 190 -

Joannes Rhino

But, was I really okay? Could I easily interpret the dream as it was? Dizziness answered my question. I shook my head and got up. I needed to cool down. I stepped into the bathroom, and stayed under a cold shower for almost an hour. It was seven in the morning when I decided to continue my reading. And for a specific reason, I felt a bit scared now for knowing too much about the journal.

February 12, 2004 ~ we began to plan the future. Get married, have children, and grow old together. We even named our first child, Angelica Nebula. Oh, I feel like everything’s back on the road. This is all I ever wanted. We love each other, and there’s certainly nothing wrong with that… … I guess this is it. This is the time to tell James. AJ has been so nice, so understanding of my situation, and I’m not going to make any excuses not to end this. I dragged him into my own mess. No more lying. I’m so sick of it!

- 191 -

The Unseen Face

April 27, 2004 ~ finally, we officially broke up. I feel like all the baggage on my shoulders has been lifted up. I know people may think what I did to James was so cruel. But that was the right thing to do. This isn’t about me being selfish. This is me saving him for getting in too deep for something that wasn’t there. To be honest, I didn’t want to drag AJ into this whole break up thing. I mean I don’t want James to find out that there’s someone else. I just need him to understand that this had to do with my feelings, that I don’t love him anymore. Well I hope someday James will understand why I had to do this.

May 2, 2004 ~ it’s really great when everything goes the way they were planned.

Now I don’t have to feel like cheating on someone. And the best part is I’m not feeling any regret by making this decision, nor any guilt.

Things with AJ are going so well. In fact, he’s going to meet my parents next month.

Everything’s so perfect, and nothing can ruin this. I’m on the right path, I can feel it. I’m back on my feet, and what’s following me is a new era in my life, unlike anything that came before. I think, in some way, it’s kind of funny looking back at my hard days with James, knowing now exactly what I’m heading towards and what is heading towards me.

- 192 -

Joannes Rhino

....I think I saw James this morning. Even recently, I feel like I’m seeing him everywhere.

Not that I’m saying I miss him or anything. I just…well I’m just wondering how he is. Last time I saw him was a few weeks ago at the funeral when his mother passed. I actually didn’t want to go there because I don’t want to mess up his head with our break-up thing. But AJ thinks I should support him or show him that I still care. Well, I still really want us to be friends. I hope someday we are.

July 23, 2004 ~ James wants to meet up! I know this day will eventually come. He texted and asked me to meet at this lousy hotel. Well, I guess now he’s working there. For what it’s worth, we can still be friends. Who says we can’t ever be friends with our exes? And, as a good friend, I won’t let him down for not showing up. Things happen for a reason. Now I know what that really means.

- 193 -

The Unseen Face

That note turned out to be her last words. Her journal ended there. I placed the book on the couch, while all my thoughts ran wild back to the last five years of my life. I accidentally looked into the open box on the table and noticed a pair of gloves at the bottom. I still could not believe it. This can’t be happening! I could feel my heart pounding so hard and my breath hurting me when pieces of images started popping up in my mind. The glimpses of events were coming at once to make one hell of a story. Everything in my memory now seemed clear, as clear as crystal fragments that had been destroyed but with patience, I pieced it together into the shape that it should have been.

I was not the guy who I thought I was all along. I never thought myself as a saint. But this truth was too much for anyone to handle. I never thought I could do such cruel thing to her; to the person that I loved the most.

Sometimes hours can feel like minutes. And sometimes a single second can last a lifetime. For me, the second that will never end was this one. I felt my heart stop beating and turned into a flat line. I seemed no longer alive knowing this.

- 194 -

Joannes Rhino

Chapter XVI ~ April 27, 2004 ~ was still asleep when I heard a tinkling at the front gate. I thought it was just the postman or some courier, so I ignored it. But the voice was getting really annoying, and not to mention Vicky could not stop barking. I glanced at the clock when I got off the bed. It was nearly ten in the morning, and of course I was the only resident who had been left behind. My mom and dad normally go to work very early in the morning, while my two siblings leave the house in the next half an hour.

I saw Vicky crawl behind the front gate. With a flapping tail, he barked at Emilia outside the fence.

All of a sudden I didn’t feel sleepy anymore. I cannot recall that she planned on coming here today. Even so, I was just glad she came. I was thinking to spend the rest of the day with her, doing whatever she wanted.

I let her sit watching some showbiz program on TV while I was cleaning up. When I was back to the living room, I saw her whispering over the phone. She didn’t notice me there, and kept on smiling at her phone. By the time she did and saw me frowning, she quickly ended the conversation with whoever it was.

“Um… it was a wrong number,” she said when I questioned it.

I

- 195 -

The Unseen Face

To be honest, I was still curious about who was on the phone. But I didn’t want to make it such a big deal. I didn’t want her to think of me as a jealous, annoying boyfriend. Lately, she’s got very sensitive every time I ask anything. She even snaps at me when I was asking her opinion about taking trips together next month. She definitely has changed, drastically. She is not the same person I used to know. For some reason, she now tended to be more passive around me. She literally doesn’t care for all the attention I give. She’s made so many illogical excuses whenever I’ve asked her out. Something was definitely happening inside her. I hoped it doesn’t get any worse.

I jumped on the sofa beside her. “Baby, why didn’t you tell me you’re coming? I could’ve picked you up somewhere.”

“That’s okay.” She kept a distance from me.

That morning Emilia wore dark, gray, faded old jeans and a red jersey. No make-up on her face made her eyes look glazed as if she had not had enough sleep. However, as always, she looked stunning.

“So what’s the plan now? Do you wanna go somewhere or are we just gonna chill at home? I just bought some DVD’s.” I got up to reach the drawer under the television set. “Let’s see what we got here.”

“James, can I talk to you for a minute?” She softly said, avoiding looking directly into my eyes.

I winked. “Sure thing. What is it, baby? You seem so serious. Is something wrong?”

“Can you please sit down?”

- 196 -

Joannes Rhino

I crawled back on my seat, next to her. “I don’t like where this going.”

“Um… I think we both know things have been going pretty rough between us lately.” Her hand shook, holding the phone tightly.

“No, they’re not. We just had a few arguments. No big deal.”

“Could you please let me finish?”

“Yeah.”

She cleared her throat. “I feel like it was yesterday when we first met. We were both young and naive, not too wary of what the matters of the heart really were but we still jumped on the coaster and we were cruising because of how we figured what we didn’t know, we would learn later and we were willing to take risks. But then… there were fights… arguments, and we’ve had it a lot.”

I chuckled slightly.

“It’s called a relationship.”

“James, please?” She eyeballed me.

“Okay. Zip.” She slowly shifted her body away from me.

“The past few weeks I’ve been thinking a lot about this, about how different we really are. And um… I feel like a part of me just hit the floor and brought back so many countless memories of how everything began. I mean we’re like two different people who are always arguing about stuff and stick to own things. And when I gather my thoughts trying to figure out why, I came to realize that this has been happening right from the beginning and we’re just pretending to be cool about it.

- 197 -

The Unseen Face

“At first, I didn’t want to grasp it because I’ve been fighting this so long and I wasn’t going to bounce because to me you were worth keeping. But then I began to rethink. I mean these fights and arguments aren’t going to be over until one of us makes the call. So, this is me making the call.”

My forehead wrinkled. “What are you saying, baby? Are you breaking up with me?”

“What I’m saying is there’s another girl meant for you somewhere out there. And that girl is not me.” She evaded eye contact.

“But… baby, you said you love me.”

“I loved you, James. But I just don’t see us together anymore. This wasn’t how I thought it would go. This isn’t working out.”

It was just like tons of bombs dropping out of the sky when I heard that statement. “Can we at least try to make it work? I promise I’ll be better.”

“We both had so many shots, and we blew them all.”

“I think this time it will be different, Em. I know it will be different. Just gimme…”

“No, James. You’re better off without me, you know that. You just don’t want to admit it.”

“We… we’re in love. This is ridiculous.

You’re not making sense.”

“You don’t seem to listen. You don’t hear me.”

I snorted. “I...I don’t hear you? I don’t hear you? How on earth can I not hear? I listened to every word you said. You’re just not thinking straight! I mean… shit! I didn’t see this coming. Is there someone else?”

- 198 -

Joannes Rhino

“This doesn’t have to do with anyone. This is me, wanting to be happy!” There was a spark of doubt in her eyes when saying that.

I sniffed. “So you’re not happy with me? Is that it? You know how stupid that sounds? You’re not happy but you stick around for like two years?

C’mon!”

“We had fun. I don’t deny it. But that’s just it.”

“So I’m just like a pair of old shoes that you can easily throw away when you feel like you’ve had enough fun wearing them?”

“We’re just not meant for each other. I’m sorry.”

“You can’t say sorry and just walk away from this.”

“James, please understand. It’s over.”

“No, it’s not! Not until I say so!” I was raging.

She glared. “Who the hell do you think you are?”

“I’m your goddamn boyfriend!”

“You were, five minutes ago.”

“You selfish, cold hearted bitch!”

Her eyes were squinting at me. “There’s no use cursing at me.”

“Tell me, who’s this guy?”

“See? This, this is the kind of bullshit that I don’t want to jump into. The fact that you like pointing at me for anything is all the more reason to end this. But whatever.”

“Just tell me who the fuck is this guy!” I yelled.

- 199 -

The Unseen Face

“Alright. You win. There’s someone. Happy now?”

“How could you do this to me?”

“This is for the best, James.”

“Who is he? Do I know this asshole? Is he the one who was on the phone? How long have you…”

“That’s none of your business.”

“This is my business!”

“No, James. What I have with him has nothing to do with you. And me making this decision has nothing to do with him as well. Look, you should have realized that this isn’t a pre-make up session. This is a post-breakup conversation.”

“You have no idea what you’re doing.”

She shrugged. “I’m done here. I’m tired of fighting. It’s time for me to walk away because it obvious that we’re never going to stop fighting.

Goodbye, James.”

Emilia left, and that was where my journey with her ended. I was still shocked with the news she just dropped on me. I sat there for hours; listen to the laughing demons inside my head. Curiosity began poisoning my brain, supplying me with images of the third person who ruined all this. I didn’t know who he was, what he looked like. And I had to find out.

The next thing I knew, it had become my obsession. I started stalking Emilia. I watched her day in and day out. I took note what time she left the house every day, what she did during the day, where she went, with whom she hung out, everything. I wrote down the exact time and place. I didn’t miss a single thing. I had become her living shadow in the walls and on the floor.

- 200 -

Joannes Rhino

After days following her, this guy finally showed up. The name was Adam Jackson. I circled around his name so I would always remember the person who caused me this pain. This man was big, tall and bald. I didn’t understand what Emilia saw in him. He was no better than me. So I changed my sail to stalking him instead. I needed to know everything about this guy. I wanted to find some dirt on him, so I could tell Emilia what kind of guy she was dating.

But after a week under surveillance, I still could not find anything wrong with him. He was totally clean. This fact, knowing him as Mr. Perfect for Emilia, was really annoying me. And to make it even worse, Emilia kept sticking to him like a piece of iron being pulled by a magnet. They seemed inseparable.

One day, I was pulling all my guts just to talk to Emilia. I approached her at the coffee shop during her lunch break. I could tell she was really uncomfortable having me around. We were sitting across from each other.

“Let’s try this out one more time, it’s been too long to say goodbye,” I was begging.

“I’ve moved on, James, and so should you.

That way no more pain will ensue.”

“But you’re breaking my heart. Why couldn’t you have just left me from the start?”

Emilia was looking out of the window. There was a lot of noise and she paid no attention to me.

“What I felt before is what I don’t feel now. I’m behaving the best way my feelings will allow.”

“How could you be so cruel to me?”

- 201 -

The Unseen Face

“You’ve got it all wrong. Us breaking up was the best thing for both of us. You’ll see. And to make you feel better, even I have changed but I still think the world of you. We had something. Just leave it that way. Please don’t make it difficult on you.”

I stared at the table, tapping my finger on the surface as Emilia continued to look out the window.

The tapping became incessant and finally snapped Emilia out of her haze.

“We can still make things better.” I kept on pushing.

“There is no turning back. I am leaving now to get my life back on track. If you really love me, you should respect my decision.”

“Please, baby, give me one more chance.”

“You missed out on all the chances back then.

Sorry James.”

Seeing Emilia having a great time with that guy was making me sick. I hated both of them. What I felt for Emilia at the time was no more than disgust.

She had become an odious figure in my eyes, something that was forbidden to touch or even think about. This was definitely not the way I wanted to remember her. This new form of Emilia must be deleted from the face of the earth in order for the old one to survive. There was no other way. She had to die.

- 202 -

Joannes Rhino

But fate turned it the other way around. After a month lying in the ICU struggling with some disease, on the early June of 2004, my mother passed away. I didn’t see it coming. Everything seemed too fast. I didn’t even have the time to looking after her at the hospital during her last, critical moments. I had been so busy dealing with my emotions that I missed the chance to say goodbye to my mother. I cursed Emilia for blinding me from the things that were far more important. This was her fault. She took away all the happiness from me. She must pay the equal price with her life.

She came to the funeral to give respect. I really didn’t need her to be around. I didn’t need those fake tears. And the fact she was coming with that guy who ruined my life made me furious and embarrassed at the same time. And the way she talked to my sister as if nothing ever happened between us made me hate her even more. I just wanted her to disappear from my world. ~ July 23, 2004 ~ This is it. Everything has been perfectly planned. There will be no mistake. I have calculated all possibilities. If things go off track, plan B is ready to go. I even have my own alibi by saying I’m going to be at someone’s place for the next few hours. Everything has to be on the right path from now on.

- 203 -

The Unseen Face

I sent Emilia a text message using a brand new sim card. In the message, I briefly said that I wanted to see her today at seven in front of Nixon Hotel. I also asked her to come alone. I knew she would not have any trouble finding the location because based on my surveillance she went there with Adam quite a lot. That explained why she texted me back saying that will be there in less than half an hour.

Before I left the house, for the last time I rechecked everything I needed inside my backpack.

A knife was placed inside a piece of fabric. A pair of hand gloves was hidden in the side pocket of the bag.

An arm-long wooden log lied above some clothes to make the bag look heavier. I had also prepared two backup phones just in case I needed them. I quickly peeked at the mirror and felt happy about everything. I could imagine how perfect the entire plan was going to be.

Precisely at four in the afternoon, with my backpack on the shoulder, I decided to make a move.

Vicky barked at me, but I told him to keep the house safe while I was gone. He looked disappointed and curled up beside my scooter that I left on purpose as an alibi.

- 204 -

Joannes Rhino

I arrived at The Nixon as planned. It had nothing to do with luck that I was not stuck in traffic during busy hours. I had calculated that as well. I checked-in under the name of Adam Jackson. It was really easy to get fake ID these days. Besides, The Nixon was not a big-fancy hotel that requires stupid and complicated verification. Plus, the lady at reception didn’t even try to match my face with the picture on the ID card. However, just to be sure I was still safe; I kept my cap on until I strolled into room number thirty-six.

The standard room was located on the third floor. Having a view of the massive traffic afternoon, the non-balcony room was facilitated with a fan and a fourteen inch television set. There were two towels hanging in the bathroom. And the bathtub, I would never consider lying and having a bubble bath in that tub.

I placed my backpack at the side of the bed and decided to relax for a minute. The bed was extremely hard and dense. I heard my back bones rattling in pain when I lay there. I vaguely smelled something unpleasant from the linens, and as I turned my face to the side, I could see some trails of stain between the patterns of roses on the sheet. I faced back staring at the ceiling with a classically designed chandelier swaying above me.

- 205 -

The Unseen Face

I started to ramble. I pictured Emilia lying beside me. She stroked my neck with her fingernails, teasing me before slipping her body into my arms.

We then made out and had passionate sex. I could feel myself yawning and floating in the world with wild fantasies. Suddenly I was trapped in my own lust, and almost ruined my entire plan being here.

Luckily, as soon as my eyes opened, I took a long deep breath at the first second before everything switched back on.

I sat on the bed and pulled myself together. I was not going to bail out on this. I won’t! I’ve been waiting for this moment. I could feel my heart beat back to normal as I felt the warmth inside my blood.

This passion seemed even stronger than before.

There was only one option now, and it was crystal clear. I will not screw this up.

The moments of waiting had finally reached their end. Emilia sent me a message saying that she had arrived with a smile icon. I peeked out from the window and found her car parked across the street.

After I was sure she came alone, I began to prepare. I spilled out everything I brought onto the bed and put them in places that I could easily reach. Within the next half an hour, everything was set. I texted Emilia back to come to room number thirty-six inside the Nixon Hotel. I also mentioned that there would be a surprise waiting here. I saw her hesitate for a minute before she crossed the street. I smiled in relief.

- 206 -

Joannes Rhino

Not long after, there was a knock at the door.

I slid as quickly as I could into the bathroom with a piece of wooden log clutched in my hand. I heard the door crack open as my body continued sticking behind the bathroom door. Emilia was calling out for me at the doorway and stepped in. She got closer and closer. Sweat dripped from my forehead. I held the bat tightly in my grasp. My breath started hurting, and I quickly held it to reduce the noise.

When her footsteps passed the bathroom, I decided to move slowly and breathe. I peeked from behind the door to make sure of the situation.

Quietly I stepped out of the bathroom and gently closed the door behind her. Feeling the situation was still under control, I approached her in slow motion.

Just at the time she was about to grab her phone out of her purse. My eyes were locked on the target; focused on the back of her head.

The sound was dull and rattling, followed by the thud of a body smashing on the floor seconds after. It was killing me hearing the sound. This procedure should be in silent. But I thanked God there was no moaning. For nearly a minute I stood still like a statue, afraid of the voices that might echo inside the room. Luckily, only silence greeted me back. And the silence was becoming intense because Emilia was no longer breathing. At that moment I realized that I hit her too hard. I really was planning to kill her, but not simply with one time action. I wanted to torture her before she died. I wanted her to feel the pain that I felt. So much with equal retaliation.

- 207 -

The Unseen Face

All of a sudden, I felt dizzy. I was giddy for a moment and had to lean against the wall. But I had to pull myself together because this mission was not over yet. I needed to complete the entire plan, to make this scenario as perfect as planned. I immediately locked the room, and with hands wrapped in gloves I laid her inert body onto the bed and started stripping off her clothes.

I glared at every inch of that perfect body and agreed that she was indeed a masterpiece that no man could resist. Men will easily melt and subdue under the magical influence of Emilia without even knowing why. They will praise her beauty; her shining emerald eyeballs, her pearl-white teeth, her ivory smooth stomach, and a myriad of other idiot comparisons. If only they knew that their eyes have been manipulated, that there is a rotting behind the innocence and elegance of Emilia, that Emilia was no more valuable than prostitutes who sell their bodies for survival. If they knew what I know about Emilia, they would surely take line behind me to vanquish her. She was not worth enough to live among human beings. She was a devil inside that cute, pretty face.

I took a clean towel and wiped off my fingerprints off her flesh. After I had finished, it was time for the main event. Using a wooden kitchen knife, I started stabbing that flesh with no mercy.

Blood was everywhere, pouring down to the surface of the sheet. However, after many times stabbing her, I still didn’t feel any satisfaction. Perhaps, I could not bear to face the fact that she had already died before I did all of this.

- 208 -

Joannes Rhino

The clock pointed at eight. I was running out of time. I put down the knife next to the victim and got off the bed to send a short message to Adam using Emilia’s phone. Pretending to be Emilia, I told him to come here as soon as possible. Then I switched off the phone.

It was then all about waiting. The perfection of this mission depended on this stage. I put the towel into my backpack, unlocked the room and decided to wait in the bathroom with the log in my hand. Everything was all set. I just had to wait.

Patience was the key factor in this mission.

Although I was physically and mentally tired, I tried not to make any movement behind the door. I didn’t sit, squat, or lean against the wall. I didn’t want to be reckless. I needed to keep focus on this full meaning, waiting. I worked so hard to be at this point. Failure was not an option.

I am not religious, but I knew right from wrong. And I know it is wrong to benefit in any way from someone else’s passing. But I will not deny that Emilia’s death had freed me in some bizarre way. It felt like a dark shadow had passed over the sun before the light came flooding back. It was a brandnew day for me, full of possibilities and hope. Just like being reborn. I had not felt like this in a long, long time. Strange but comfortable. Everything was so peaceful, quiet and intact. I was fully in control in the silence of this holy night; in the darkness of the room. There was no sound of the wind, no sound of the horning cars or chattering people outside, no sound of a heart beating. There was only some melodious ticking inside my head.

- 209 -

The Unseen Face

I squeezed my grip on the club when I heard knocking at the door and then creaking seconds after.

I was planning to stick with the same strategy. I waited and held my breath until he crossed the bathroom. I reminded myself not to make the same mistake by killing this guy. He must not die. He must stay alive, hopefully long enough to feel the equal pain he cost me.

He seemed in shock seeing the masterpiece I had left him. And I was not going to waste any more time. With half the power, I smashed his back. He swayed for a few seconds, and knelt down before hitting the floor. I squatted; making sure his heart was still beating before I dragged him to the side of the bed. I let him clench the knife tightly before I ran to the bathroom and hid the log in my backpack. The next step, I dialed the police station to inform that I had just witnessed a murder. When the officer asked my name, I cut the line off and immediately switched off the phone.

For the last time, I examined my artwork; the one was bathing the bed in blood while the other was face down on the floor with the murder evidence.

After less than five minutes, I walked out of the room and intentionally left the room locked from inside to minimize the presumption of a third party in this case.

There was no one waiting at the reception. I guess I truly was lucky that day. The door attendant smiled and greeted me at the exit. I walked as normal as I could, tried not to make eye-to-eye contact. I imagined the police on the way. So I sped up my step and disappeared from the hotel.

- 210 -

Joannes Rhino

I waved at the first cab that arrived and asked the driver to get me anywhere as fast as he could. I arrived home within the next half hour and handed over the driver some extra cash for becoming my partner in crime without even realizing. Thus, the mission was over as planned. I left no traces. I had my own alibi. I had nothing to fear. I can sleep well tonight.

I came to Emilia’s funeral which was a few days later. And of course I didn’t see Adam. My guess was that guy had already been put in prison and was gawking from behind bars like an idiot.

However, I tried my best not to look energetic during the funeral. I let people pat me on the shoulder and they sobbed beside me. But I kept acting like I just wanted to be left alone. After the funeral, I went to Emilia’s house. I asked Mrs. Torres permission to spend time alone in Emilia’s room because I needed to be far away from the crowd.

I know how girls love to store memories in a journal, diary, notepad, or whatever form of writing.

I was guessing Emilia was no more than an ordinary girl who did that. So I started to look around, and had no trouble finding it. Emilia left it wide open on the reading desk. I took a quick peek at the final chapters that she wrote. She mentioned a lot about the affair she was having, her lost feelings for me, her decision, and other stuff that I wish I didn’t have to know. I didn’t want to take any risk by leaving the diary there until someone discovered it and linked me to the murder case. Based on such consideration, I took it home with me.

- 211 -

The Unseen Face

I had to let nothing drag me back to Emilia’s death. Any of my involvement must be erased. When I arrived home, I put everything about Emilia into an antique box that I found in the living room. By everything, I mean the gloves that I wore to kill Emilia, the pictures of her, the diary, and my notes during surveillance. I stuffed it all into my backpack and buried them six feet under the field three blocks away from my house. I threw away the log in a pile of rubble in front of someone’s house. And, that was it. Mission completed.

The next month after, when I felt nothing bad was going to happen, I had an accident. My scooter slid and crashed into a giant tree at the crossroads. I banged my head really hard on the pavement. As a result, I suffered from a minor injury in the head and had to stay at St Joseph Central Hospital for nearly two weeks to restore my memory from concussion. I admit, after the accident, I was having problems in remembering things. It felt like some memories had been totally erased from my head. My family helped me get through it. They supplied me with photographs and stories of my childhood to refresh my brain. I gave them a ‘thumbs up’ for their tenacity because no longer than two months was my memory completely recovered. And so my life went back on track.

- 212 -

Joannes Rhino

Chapter XVII ~ December 18, 2009 ~ hen you have done something that you cannot take back, something that has made your life upside-down in a blink of an eye, something that no one could ever forgive, you will hold on to anything to make the guilt go away. You will find the easiest and quickest solution to end that sort of feeling.

And, here I am with the solution; standing on the edge of the rooftop of a skyscraper, dying to breathe but breathing just to die in seconds. My life feels so long and so short at the same time. When I drove through the city this morning and heard the sounds of sirens and alarms going off, I saw the looks of panic on the faces of people I don’t know. I realized how afraid we all are in this world. Life is so unpredictable, fragile. We’re only alive one breath, one heartbeat at a time. People often talk about the passion to stay alive, and they don’t talk much about the spirit to die. Death is dark and creepy. For me, this death is going to be so fast. It will end everything.

W

- 213 -

The Unseen Face

They say when you are about to die, you will see your whole life flash before you. But there is only Emilia passing through my eyes; lying naked on the bed, glistening with blood and so lifeless. I’m still hoping it is just a bad dream that will soon be over; the dream that haunted me the last two weeks and had almost forgotten. However, this is not a dream.

I’m still breathing enough to understand how it really happened. And now every detail strikes me like a lightning thunder. It is brighter and clearer than ever before.

I shut my eyes closed; trying not to imagine how messy my body will look like down there. I don’t really care anyway. What I care is to end this journey here and now. Do I have any regrets by doing this because of the missing pieces of my memory? Do I waste my twenty-two years of life just to end this way? Ironic, indeed. Having regret before you die is so ridiculous and embarrassing.

I spread my arms like Jesus Christ crucified on the cross. Not that I compare myself to the son of God who was willing to die to atone for all of our sins. No! Really, I am not. This is nothing but my selfishness. I have to die to redeem my own sin.

Embarrassing, I know. Even in the last minute before I greet the angel of death, I’m still capable of being this selfish.

- 214 -

Joannes Rhino

As the cold wind of December creeps into my bones, I could see a vast and endless meadow lying before my eyes. There is no building and no one else but me and the grass under a perfect blue sky. Maybe this is how death really feels. Light, as if all the burdens have been lifted up and all my lifetime sins have been forgiven. It feels so comfortable, so fresh and peaceful that I don’t want to look back again.

That golden meadow looks too tempting to ignore. I want to go there, to the endlessness of the universe.

My body swings and I can feel my legs floating on the air. But I don’t have the guts to open my eyes to see how my body is going to smash on the asphalt road. I just let myself float. Five seconds… ten seconds… and endless. When I thought it has over, I open my eyes. That is when I realize that my body has actually swung back and has fallen onto the cement behind me. I feel my body is being dragged and pulled back from the edge. I am now sinking into someone’s arms.

Richard’s face floats above me, staring at me so anxiously. “Are you out of your fuckin’ mind!

What the fuck are you tryin’ to do, man!”

“Get off me! You don’t understand!”

He holds me so hard until I could not move.

“Just tell me! Let’s work this out.”

“I don’t deserve to live. I don’t deserve… I killed her. I killed her. I…” I became unconscious and fainted.

- 215 -

The Unseen Face

The past, everything that went before, is just like dry leaves falling from a tree, grounded to earth and crushed by thousand stepping feet. Now what has left is just the memory of the leaves that will continue to stick for eternity. But what if the memories are too painful to remember? How can anyone deal with the loss and guilt at the same time? How can he pick up the pain and continue to live with such reality?

People always say that time will heal anything. But sometimes there is something that time cannot cure.

Sometimes there are wounds that cut the skin so deep that it will never heal. Sometimes, some hurt goes too deep as if making a lot of holes in the heart.

Sometimes it happens.

The two windows of this room are dirty and smell of piss. I sit in the corner; weak and fragile.

Other inmates are busy with their families or relatives. Two armed officers are standing at the door. I can see myself in this place for the next ten years. I told Jennifer and Richard what I actually did to Emilia. They were as shocked as I was. So I turned myself to the authorities and came clean. I explained and described the murder scene in detail. I also mentioned that Adam was innocent. After less than a month, as consideration of my good intentions admitting the crime, the judge's verdict sentenced me to ten years in prison with no bail. I really think that is the best I could possibly get.

- 216 -

Joannes Rhino

Jennifer wanted to hold me before an officer reminded her not to make any psychical contact with inmates. Richard just nods at me. I really am lucky having those people around me to get through this. I know there is no way of knowing for sure where the most peaceful place is after facing what I’ve been through. So the best I can hope for is to have some good company to get through it.

“Are you all right, James?” Jennifer studies my face, making sure I’ve been treated well in prison.

“You just visited me two days ago. What could go wrong?”

“Anything can happen.”

“Yeah, tell me about it,” I say sarcastically.

Richard slides me a pack of my favorite cigarettes. “Come on, man. Give yourself a break.

Whatever happened in the past just let it be.

Sometimes you have to let life turn you upside-down so you can learn how to live right side up.”

Richard always knows how to talk in every situation. Sometimes things happen and you don’t know what the purpose is of why they happened in your life. Now I have found out that if you want to know the purpose of a thing you cannot ask the thing to tell you. A robot doesn’t know why it is a robot.

Only the manufacturer knows what it was made to do. And I guess that’s the way it is with us and the universe. The universe didn’t just make me to be a psycho killer, a selfish lover, or a stubborn friend.

Those are just roles I had to take to be a better person.

- 217 -

The Unseen Face

I guess I have learned a lot from this incident.

The worst moments of my life are not necessarily about the things I have done. They are also the things that happen to me. It is not that I cannot take action to affect the outcome of my life. But I should never forget that, on any day, I could receive a letter at my doorstep and that my whole life can change forever.

The universe always has a plan. And sometimes that plan is in motion. It is a scary thought. But it is also a kind of a relief knowing that all these little parts of the machine are constantly working, making sure that I end up exactly where I am supposed to be, exactly when I am supposed to be.

The right place at the right time.

I can honestly say that it is a miracle that I ended up in prison. Especially when I consider how easy it would have been not to end up here. I mean, when I got the letter from Adam and had nightmares about Emilia, I could have ignored it and lived as normal as I could. Why did I decide to go deeper?

There are a lot of simple reasons why the big things in our lives happen. If I had known that all those small things were leading me to this horrible fact, I probably would have dropped it right from the beginning. But somehow, I took my shot and ended up knowing everything. And, as a result, my life would never be the same.

I snort. “What I did to Emilia, is no one could ever bear.�

- 218 -

Joannes Rhino

Jennifer is about to hold my hand but the officer glares at her not to do that. “We’ve all done bad things. Doesn’t mean we’re bad people. I don’t care about what you did. It’s not who you are now.

What I do care about is you. And that from this time forward you’re in this as much as I am.”

“I’m such a mess, Jen. Why do you even stick around?”

She smiles. “I hope that one day you see yourself where I see you.”

“That’s a pretty good answer.”

Emilia, she is the blast of my past that I shall not greet or love ever again for she made a shower of blood rain into my world. Thus, I am going to leave her unseen in the wonderful place of my heart, for if she greets my silence I shall no longer feel the love but hear the sound of music of my dying love. I will let her rest peaceful in my mind, and let me grieve the loss of the greatest love.

And Jennifer is a new born love. Her faith in me runs deep, and is made of nothing but the finest parts of pure love. Her heart is so rich and has touched my soul so deep to heal the wound inside. I call her the air of life, as the moon and stars complete the night. I shall greet the love and once again will rise to be the king of my own kingdom. This is where the story ends, and starts again with another journey.

All that has been lost will never be returned.

This stain will always be here, right in my heart’s core. And all I can do now is to make peace with the past and never look back.

- 219 -

The Unseen Face

This is me, being trapped within the walls of the outside world. This is my world for the next ten years of life. However, this is not the end of my life.

There will be another journey. And this time I will live the best life I can. Believe me. ~The End~

- 220 -

ABOUT THE AUTHOR Born on June 26, 1980, Joannes Rhino is an Indonesian author who was graduated from a hospitality university.

Having solid background in financial industry, he realizes his lack of knowledge in literature. However, his passion in writing makes the impossible possible.

“You are who you think you are.”

This novel is his seventh work. His last sci-fiction novel ‘Falling From The Sky ~ Volume 1’ published in United States of America and had became one of the most wanted readings in South East Asia. He also published his collection of poems in England. He was nominated as one of the best young writers ‘under 30 year-old’ in Khatulistiwa Literary Award 2009. Rhino spends lots of time traveling. Now he lives in Melbourne, Australia.

- 221 -