Art of Accepting Death

Celebrant and one of the few female toastmasters in the country, Kelly-Marie Thompson, talks funerals and grieving

Weddings are wonderful, because I work with couples to create unique and loving ceremonies. And secular Naming Days (similar to Christenings) are also a joy… Yet, much of my work involves Funerals. I suppose I’ve become aware of how little we prepare for death and feel lucky to be able to help people prepare for it on a much more human level, instead of jargon and unspoken consequences. That’s what inspired me to study thanatology – more simply, death and its psychological and social impact. I’ve always been interested in death from a young age due to a friend who died when I was five and like many, I have experienced death and losses that I needed to be able to understand on a deeper level – that’s what inspired my decision to study it and to recognise ways to embrace ritual as a means of managing change and upheaval in our personal situations.

For funerals, it’s important for most families that the person who had died is talked about, appreciated, and goodbyes are said. Every funeral is completely unique - no two funerals are the same, just as no two people are. There are overwhelming emotions within a funeral service, and they all need to be managed. The experience can be complex in terms of dynamics of families and extended families. We must also remember that not everyone wants a life to be celebrated and not all deaths are a celebration of life, especially if it’s a baby, child or someone that spent a lifetime suffering. These can be emotionally really challenging. It is important as a celebrant to be both empathic and professional, as this family are trusting you with a very important milestone, it must be exactly what they want. Music, readings, poems, songs, anything goes, and can be expected. For some services I also am required to blend religious thoughts, feelings or rituals and this can be very interesting, my latest one contains Buddhist elements.

Funerals and bereavement vary so much in western society, and every sub-culture has its own set of rules and rituals. It helps to speak to someone who has a broad knowledge of these and then find out what fits with you and your family. There is no, one-fits-all package; the key is allowing people to be creative and do it their way. In the West, we are fixated on the idea that funerals must be held at the graveside or at the crematorium. This is not the case, by having a funeral at an alternative venue, not only is it normally cheaper but there are no time restraints, so it allows more creative licence for the family.

For some, the death of a loved one brings a whole lot of change to the bereaved as maybe their life role has changed, their family position, and their financial status. So many things can happen all at once when someone dies,

There are overwhelming emotions within a funeral service, and they all need to be managed

and we are never truly prepared. I work with a local hospice as a bereavement volunteer and visit clients that have lost a loved one and work with them over an eight-week period. During this time, I do a lot of listening, debunking myths, and looking at ways forward for them. A lot of people are under the impression that they have to move on, they should be over it now, or they are not grieving properly. My role is to normalise the feelings that they are having and look at not getting over the death but moving forward with it. It’s challenging work as not everyone is ready to move forward, these people should not be rushed, coping strategies are important as well as a support system.

Kelly-Marie’s advice if you have experienced a recent bereavement:

Speak to someone, if you cannot talk to or don’t want to burden your family, look elsewhere. There is a great resource online called griefchat.com which offers independent advice and guidance. If not, call me. No one should go through it alone, no matter how much of a loner you are, some things need to be shared, this is one of them.