Ask us first

Advice from our experts on some of your family concerns

Dear Family First,

Our daughter has been potty trained and dry at night since around age 3. She has just started primary school (now age 4.5) and is having regular accidents. Sometimes she wakes up in the middle of the night and other times she wets in the early morning, about half an hour before she would usually wake up. I am worried that starting school and anxiety about everything going on in the world is causing her accidents. She is getting very upset when it happens. What can I do to help her? Anon

Lauren Rosenberg, fear & phobia relief expert and founder of Fear Busters (www.fear-busters.com), says:

You are correct by mentioning the anxiety about school and the impact Covid-19 probably has on her mind subconsciously. I would first suggest that you reassure her that there is nothing wrong with her and that her bladder is working perfectly. There is no reason for her to worry, as she has had plenty of dry nights before, so her body knows what to do. I would also prepare her room each night by using a diffuser and adding drops of pure lavender oil to help her relax when she goes to bed.

Bedwetting can be a sign that subconsciously she is scared, anxious and worried about different things that are happening during her day, so encourage her to talk to you after school or ask her to draw what she is worried about.

It’s not uncommon for young people to suffer from this problem, many of whom are born via water birth. This may lead to the subconscious mind associating being surrounded by the warmth and comfort of water with feeling safe and secure. Therefore, when the child shows signs of anxiety, the subconscious mind triggers memories of the water birth and protects them by surrounding them with water, causing a natural tendency toward bedwetting. The more the child feels safe the less the bedwetting will happen.

Dear Family First,

My husband is a teacher and I am self-employed, so we have always shared the childcare of our son. During the school holidays, I pick up more work and my husband does the bulk of the childcare. Whereas in term time, I look after him three days a week and he goes to the childminder. I feel that we have a good bond, but whenever my husband is around, it is like I don’t exist! While I am very grateful that my husband is so hands-on and I love the father-son bond they have, I feel slightly jealous and a bit left out that I am not the ‘favourite’ parent. Is there anything I can do to strengthen the bond with my son, without taking away from the bond he has with his dad? Anna

Joanna Fortune, a psychotherapist specialising in the parent-child relationships and author of the 15-Minute Parenting series (www.tinyurl.com/y24dtdrx), says:

Yours is such a relatable question for many parents. While it is not always pleasant for us, it is normal and common for our children to show apparent preferential treatment for one parent over the other as they grow and develop.

Toddlers and preschoolers are largely egocentric in their development and are known to express strong preferences, for toys, clothes, food, TV shows – and even people. With older children, preferential treatment towards one parent tends to be linked to feeling more in common with the chosen parent (a shared interest, for example). Hold in mind that showing preferential treatment to one of you over the other implies a stronger pull towards that parent at that time, but is not indicative of stronger love for one parent.

Avoid making parenting decisions that are motivated by a desire to become favoured by your child and embrace family play time when you are all together to reinforce that you are both available to connect with your child. Allow your child to see you content and occupied (reading, cooking, gardening etc) even while they play with the other parent.

Find something you can start that ensures a daily connection, such as planting a seed together and each day you water/take care of the seed as it grows. Make it something like a tomato plant so that you can pick from it and make some food with what you created together.

Good night, sleep tight

Sleep expert and dad of two boys, Chris McFadden, explains the importance of a good family bedtime routine and how to teach your children healthy sleep habits.

One of the most common questions I am asked by parents of babies and toddlers is: “What is the best sleep tip you can give me?”. There are two answers I always give: put your baby down awake, and create a bedtime routine and stick to it every single night that you possibly can.

Bedtime routine

A bedtime routine is so important. I cannot overstate the importance of it in your little ones’ sleep process: it instils good, long-term habits and it creates important triggers and cues to let them know that bedtime is coming.

For babies, it is essential to differentiate between daytime and nighttime when developing their internal body clocks. They are constantly exploring and are stimulated very easily; therefore, a soothing nighttime routine will allow them to wind down and reduce the level of activity in their minds.

For toddlers, a bedtime routine means that nothing is a surprise, especially when it comes to having to say goodbye to their toys, mummy or daddy until the next morning. Moreover, there is significant research published that suggests that a good bedtime routine is linked to cognitive function, attention, increased self-confidence and general wellbeing and happiness.

Parents and real life

While a bedtime routine can often be stressful and rushed, if set up correctly, it can be fun AND it can be relaxing for parents too. It’s an opportunity to spend one on one time with your little ones, in a calming environment, reading stories and bonding with them. Even though we would love to have a long, relaxing block of time with our kids, life doesn’t always allow for that. I recommend keeping the bedtime routine fairly short – approx. 30 minutes – which helps make it enjoyable and something to look forward to.

You can start a routine with babies as early as 4-6 weeks old. This way, you are fostering good habits from an early age and also helping to develop their internal body clock, which will help them to sleep less in the day and more at night.

Bath time wind down

Wherever possible, try to have a nice bath as part of the bedtime routine. The warm water is a relaxant to children’s bodies and muscles, and really helps them wind down. I always recommend that once bath time is complete, don’t let them play with noisy or vibrant toys, as they can stimulate children during a process that is all about winding them down for bed.

With a wonderful selection of children’s books available, I always encourage parents to read to their children before bed. It’s not only excellent for their development, but it’s also a lovely activity for both mum or dad and child to do together.

A full belly until morning

Feeding is such an important part of bedtime. When babies are little their tummies are very small and they cannot take enough milk to get them through until morning. But from about 6 months old babies can and are often sleeping right through until morning. Having their biggest feed of the day before bed is a big component of this. I give my son some of his bottle before the bath to give him enough energy at the start of the process, which he finishes once he is in his PJs right before sleep.

Chris McFadden, The Daddy Sleep Consultant, specialises in designing gentle sleep training programmes for babies and toddlers. Find out more at www.thedaddysleepconsultant.com

little beds for sleepy heads

top tips to help get your little ones to sleep

Silentnight are passionate about helping a nation of unique sleepers find their perfect sleep solution. As the UK’s most trusted bed brand, they know a thing or two about what kids need for a good night’s sleep, every night. Sleep is vital for growing children – their development and general well being depends on it. Encouraging a routine sleep pattern can be the difference between a productive day at school, or a tired and unenergised one.

cut down on fizzy drinks

Try swapping the fizzy drinks to milk. Milk has been proven to increase children’s sleepiness – not to mention the excellent benefits of calcium to their growth and development. and outdoor play Whether it’s riding a bike, playing in the garden, or even trampolining, regular movement is known to promote sleepiness when it’s time for lights-out.

reduce screen time

If your child has access to an electronic device before bedtime, the blue light can affect their ability to fall into a deep sleep. To ensure a restful night’s sleep, ensure your

regular exercise

little ones switch off their devices one hour before bed time.

create a relaxing environment

Introduce a relaxing bath routine, including a bedtime story to help children wind down from the day.

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