I S S U E 07 - A s k U s F i r s t
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Advice from our experts on some of your family concerns Dear Family First, Our daughter has been potty trained and dry at night since around age 3. She has just started primary school (now age 4.5) and is having regular accidents. Sometimes she wakes up in the middle of the night and other times she wets in the early morning, about half an hour before she would usually wake up. I am worried that starting school and anxiety about everything going on in the world is causing her accidents. She is getting very upset when it happens. What can I do to help her?
Anon
Lauren Rosenberg, fear & phobia relief expert and founder of Fear Busters (www.fear-busters.com), says:
You are correct by mentioning the anxiety about school and the impact Covid-19 probably has on her mind subconsciously. I would first suggest that you reassure her that there is nothing wrong with her and that her bladder is working perfectly. There is no reason for her to worry, as she has had plenty of dry nights before, so her body knows what to do. I would also prepare her room each night by using a diffuser and adding drops of pure lavender oil to help her relax when she goes to bed. Bedwetting can be a sign that subconsciously she is scared, anxious and worried about different things that are happening during her day, so encourage her to talk to you after school or ask her to draw what she is worried about. It’s not uncommon for young people to suffer from this problem, many of whom are born via water birth. This may lead to the subconscious mind associating being surrounded by the warmth and comfort of water with feeling safe and secure. Therefore, when the child shows signs of anxiety, the subconscious mind triggers memories of the water birth and protects them by surrounding them with water, causing a natural tendency toward bedwetting. The more the child feels safe the less the bedwetting will happen. Dear Family First, My husband is a teacher and I am self-employed, so we have always shared the childcare of our son. During the school holidays, I pick up more work and my husband does the bulk of the childcare. Whereas in term time, I look after him three days a week and he goes to the childminder. I feel that we have a good bond, but whenever my husband is around, it is like I don’t exist! While I am very grateful that
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my husband is so hands-on and I love the father-son bond they have, I feel slightly jealous and a bit left out that I am not the ‘favourite’ parent. Is there anything I can do to strengthen the bond with my son, without taking away from the bond he has with his dad?
Anna
Joanna Fortune, a psychotherapist specialising in the parent-child relationships and author of the 15-Minute Parenting series (www.tinyurl.com/y24dtdrx), says:
Yours is such a relatable question for many parents. While it is not always pleasant for us, it is normal and common for our children to show apparent preferential treatment for one parent over the other as they grow and develop. Toddlers and preschoolers are largely egocentric in their development and are known to express strong preferences, for toys, clothes, food, TV shows – and even people. With older children, preferential treatment towards one parent tends to be linked to feeling more in common with the chosen parent (a shared interest, for example). Hold in mind that showing preferential treatment to one of you over the other implies a stronger pull towards that parent at that time, but is not indicative of stronger love for one parent. Avoid making parenting decisions that are motivated by a desire to become favoured by your child and embrace family play time when you are all together to reinforce that you are both available to connect with your child. Allow your child to see you content and occupied (reading, cooking, gardening etc) even while they play with the other parent. Find something you can start that ensures a daily connection, such as planting a seed together and each day you water/take care of the seed as it grows. Make it something like a tomato plant so that you can pick from it and make some food with what you created together.
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