Am I an I or a We?

By Beatrice Dye

Howard Jensen always knew he was adopted. Raised in a suburban neighborhood in upstate New York, he had good parents and a fairly uneventful life. All of that changed in his 30s when he made a routine inquiry requesting his birth records from the adoption agency that had handled his adoption and was told that somewhere in the world, he had an identical twin brother.

Howard said he always felt like he was missing something, but he didn’t know what it was. “You couldn’t touch it. You couldn’t feel it. Something was there,” he said.

Two years later, Howard was reunited with his twin brother Doug, and the two were surprised by the similarities in the lives they led while involuntarily estranged. After being reunited, both brothers agreed that it seemed like they had known each other all their lives.

The twin bond is an intensely strong bond and perhaps goes deeper that we understand with the current sciences. I know this bond quite well because I am a twin. My sister Aeva and I were born just minutes apart. Because we were premature, we were placed in separate incubators in the NICU; I was the smallest, weighing just under five pounds. As I struggled to gain weight, breathe, and hold my body temperature, my mother requested that I be placed in the same incubator as Aeva. As soon as I was back within touching distance of my twin, my vitals stabilized, and I began to thrive.

Being a twin gives me many advantages that others my age do not have. For instance, on the first day at a new school, I never felt the anxiety of entering the building alone. When playing on a soccer team with my sister, I never experienced any emotional outcome of a game alone—win or lose. When I lost a loved one or a pet, I had a companion who truly understood my grief. Throughout my life, with nearly every hardship or happiness I encountered, I had a companion experiencing it with me.

I think this is what fascinates people about twins. When people see twins, they see the possibility of eliminating the pain and loneliness of individuality while still remaining individual. However, this is not the case. While I am grateful to have a twin, there are a slew of complications that come with it, and they all revolve around the quest for individuality. Consider this exchange—detailed by the mother of twins in “Some Twinsights”—between her twin daughter E and their pediatrician while the other twin, T, was at home. The dialogue went like this:

Dr: What's your favorite color?

E: My favorite color is pink, and T’s favorite color is blue.

Dr.: What do you like to eat for dinner?

E: I like toast, and T likes pizza.

This pattern continued throughout the appointment. T was not at the appointment and the doctor never once asked about her. Still, E made sure T was, at least by name and basic information, present.

For teenagers, the struggle to establish an individual identity is universal, but for twins, it is more difficult. Besides having to find themselves outside their parents’ control, twins must also find their personal identity outside of their twinship. For some twins, it can be a time that presents the risk for more serious mental health problems and a more serious kind of rebellion as they struggle to make this double separation.

These challenges can often be intensified by a society that often views twins as a “set” or a “pair.” Some twins confess to believing that separated, they are less than a whole human being and together they are an unusually powerful human being. And because they rely on each other so implicitly during their early developmental years, they often do not fully develop critical or rewarding skill sets or talents.

Everyone has twins in their lives, whether that be in the form of close friends, relatives, co-workers, or schoolmates. So what can you do to help them feel more like individuals?

• Avoid comparisons when possible. Don’t give twins labels such as “the smart twin” or “the athletic twin” as this greatly adds to the competitive tension between them and diminishes their individuality.

• Don’t be afraid to spend one-on-one time. Though twins have a close bond, they still need healthy and fulfilling relationships outside the twinship. Feel free to pursue a relationship with one twin instead of approaching them as a set.

• Make each twin feel special on birthdays and other occasions. Do your best to make each twin feel recognized and important when it comes to these events.

• Change your mindset. Start thinking of twins as two individual people, not a matched set.

I am so glad to have the companionship of a twin! As I now work toward establishing my individual identity, I’ve learned that my twinship does not define who I am. My individuality is a birthright and responsibility that I courageously seek, define, and honestly claim.

About the Author

Beatrice Dye is a sophomore at Dixie High School, where she is a member of the debate team. Her hobbies include playing tennis, singing, and being active outside. When she is not studying or hanging out with her friends, she enjoys spending time with her family, her dog Albus, and her pet cockatoo Archie.