Bombproof Your Marriage

By Matt Eschler, PhD, LMFT

My spouse, Chris, and I work with couples in conflict. All couples have arguments or differences of opinion, but not every couple knows how to deal with it in a healthy way. In the middle of an intense argument, it’s human nature to slip into familiar patterns of communication no matter how ineffective they may be, and these patterns can be corrosive to a relationship over time. Peace, joy, excitement, and passion are all emotions you can enjoy in your marriage. Conflict is either a pathway to these moods or the destroyer of all that could be great in your relationship.

Managing perpetual conflict is mandatory if you are going to enjoy the best marriage relationship possible. There are actions, attitudes, and beliefs you can learn and practice that will make all the difference in bombproofing your marriage. Take a few minutes and reflect on how well you are doing in the following four areas of managing stress and conflict in your relationship.

Accept influence from your spouse.

Statistically, women are much better at accepting their man’s influence. This creates incredible synergy toward mutual satisfaction and toward feeling heard, seen, and understood. Men must be able to do the same or an imbalance can occur, causing resentment and marital destruction. Accepting influence includes listening to ideas presented by your spouse and including those ideas into life goals or plans; discussing intimacy needs and responding to requests in a healthy manner; and communicating as coequals in family operations.

Focus on building each other up and seeing the good in each other.

During a couple’s courtship, positive comments, positive actions, and emotional intimacy cement the love that leads them to engagement. But after a decade of marriage, couples often report feeling extremely vulnerable when they share positive regard for each other.

According to the relationship scientist John Gottman, a ratio of five to one must exist for couples to remain connected. This means that for every one negative feeling or interaction between partners, there must be five positive feelings or interactions. The “masters of relationships” have a nineteen to one positive ratio! Take some time to evaluate your relationship with your partner. Are you vulnerable and seeking to highlight the positive moments?

Soften a confrontation by using “I” statements.

When dealing with conflicts in your relationship, it is best to use “I” statements when describing an event rather than using blame statements, such as “you always” or “you never.” When expressing your beliefs about an issue, be accountable. Speak for yourself and allow your partner to do the same. For example, saying “You never seem to want to be with me. You are always on your phone or working or doing anything except being with me” is a harsh beginning to resolving a conflict. Your partner will likely get defensive and argue with you. Instead, soften your approach: “I feel lonely in our relationship. I am noticing that you can be on your phone even when we are trying to be alone together, and it seems like work is taking priority over us spending time together. Can you see this?” This kind of beginning to a conflict shows that you are willing to discuss the issue before you deem yourself to be in the right. You will invite conversation and agreement rather than conflict and argument.

Get coaching or counseling early.

Most couples get help after seven years of conflict. These couples have extreme patterns of negative communication styles that are difficult to get through. After nearly a decade of practicing conflict in combative ways, couples often show up to counseling wanting the counselor to tell their partner how wrong they are. It shocks both spouses to realize they are both the problem! Get help early. Learn to discuss conflict as partners and not as competitors.

About the Author

Matt Eschler

Matt lives in St. George, Utah, where he and his wife, Chris, are enjoying their life with each other. Since their children have grown up and moved out to pursue their dreams, Matt and Chris travel the world. They want to visit 200 countries before they are done. Matt and Chris are active in their community and enjoy working out, training for marathons, and spending time participating in numerous activities with their adult children. Matt received a PhD in psychology. He is focused on the arena of resolving personal conflicts and improving interpersonal relationships. In addition to his doctorate degree, Matt has earned a master’s degree in marriage and family therapy, studied criminal justice and received a category one license with Peace Officer Standards and Training, and received a degree in the Arts of Business Management. Matt is a professor at Dixie State University and hopes to be part of the positive growth of southern Utah.