deadline obsessed flare magazine by shawna cohen

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deadline Dream job by 27.

Married by 30.

Kids by 32.

Are self-imposed PLANS ruining your life? By Shawna Cohen

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WHEN TORONTONIAN KATE LANG

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fell in love with a cute Australian guy during a semester abroad, she did what most of us only dream of.

She followed her heart and moved across the world to be with him.

That was in 2008 and in just two and a half years Lang has created a lust-worthy life for herself in Oz: cool job in advertising, amazing apartment, close friends and a relationship thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s still going strong.

And yet, the 24-year-old is dreading her next birthday. Why? Because she has yet to meet a long-standing, self-imposed deadline: to travel the world by 25.

Deadline-obsessed women like Lang arenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t as rare as you might think. In fact, you probably know one. We all have that friend who, during brunch with the girls, is so fixated on her next career move that she canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t just enjoy her lazy-Sunday eggs. Or the one in yoga class whoâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s fretting over her biological clock when she should be focused on her childâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s pose. Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s those people who plan out their lives to a teeâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;dream job by 27, married by 30, kids by

32â&#x20AC;&#x201D;who are so consumed with meeting cut-off dates that they canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t live in the moment.

Designer and stylist Rita Liefhebber, 27, knows that feeling all too well. â&#x20AC;&#x153;Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m obsessed with the future...I have it mapped out like a grid,â&#x20AC;? she says, adding that she often gets grief from her parents and boyfriend for not embracing the present.

Liefhebber, whose goal is to make a lasting mark on the fashion industry, began modelling at age 15â&#x20AC;&#x201D;a job that took her around the globe.

(Her first international gig was in Tokyo, for revered label Comme des Garçons.) She fast-tracked through high school, skipped her graduation ceremony and instead hopped on the first plane out of Toronto to New York. Liefhebber was living the life of a model, travelling to cities like Paris and Milan, and hobnobbing with some truly remarkable designers and photographers. Still, she was focused on the future. â&#x20AC;&#x153;There are girls who can model into their 30s, 40s, 50s, but not everyone can,â&#x20AC;? Liefhebber says. And so she quit. In quick succession, she

went from international model to Toronto-based fashion editor to New York-based celebrity stylist to her current lot: designing an eponymous line, out of Toronto, that launched in 2009 to critical acclaim. (A typical collection consists of soft silks, body-hugging knits, racer-back jersey dresses and draped silhouettes.)

Most people would look at Liefhebber as having accomplished a lifetimeâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s worth of experiences in just 27 years. But for someone as deadline-obsessed as her, that nagging question of whatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s next never really goes away. â&#x20AC;&#x153;It takes years to build up a serious foundation for a [fashion] line. I want to be somewhere by the time I hit 30â&#x20AC;Ś Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s really a now-or-never situation,â&#x20AC;? she says of her goal to establish and expand the label. (Her latest upcoming project is a collaboration with artist Roland Jean on limited-edition pieces.) In the deep recesses of her mind, Liefhebber considers moving back to New York and, like any serious planner, sheâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s already thinking forward to when sheâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll have children: â&#x20AC;&#x153;When I was a teen looking at myself >

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RELATING lattes and writing plays.

She soon discovered that writing was much more fulfilling to her than acting. She had a knack for it and, combined with her love of fashion, it was something she wanted to pursue. And so began Halbertâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s next chapter: covering fashion for The Varsity (U of Tâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s student newspaper), interning at Fashion Television and, ultimately, becoming FLAREâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s associate fashion news editor, where she has truly found her calling.

In many ways, Halbert exemplifies John Lennonâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s famous song lyrics, â&#x20AC;&#x153;Life is what happens to you while youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re busy making other plans.â&#x20AC;? We often donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t end up where weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve set out to go and, for obsessive planners like Halbert, landing in uncharted territory can be a scary thing. It can also be depressing.

When Halbert left for Iceland, pausing her >

â&#x20AC;&#x153;THEYâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;RE SAYING NOW THAT 4O IS THE NEW 3O. WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?â&#x20AC;? in my 30s, I thought: Married at 30, kids at 32â&#x20AC;Ś40 just seems more realistic to me.â&#x20AC;?

Life coach Carly Cooper has one piece of advice for women like Liefhebber: â&#x20AC;&#x153;Chill out.â&#x20AC;? Cooper, 37, worked as a copywriter and party planner before finding her true calling: coaching others. She feels for women who are set on â&#x20AC;&#x153;figuring it all outâ&#x20AC;? by a certain age. The problem for younger women, she explains, is that theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re making major life decisions (career, marriage, kids) based on who they are at that precise momentâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;and what society dictatesâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;instead of going with the flow and letting things unfold more naturally. Letâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s face it; your values change as you get older. Whatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a priority at 25 may not necessarily be where your heart or mind is at at 35. And for older women, missed deadlines can make them feel like a failure when in fact it may not be too late to still fulfill their goals. â&#x20AC;&#x153;Theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re saying now that 40 is the new 30. What does that even mean?â&#x20AC;?

Cooper asks. She says itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s okay to have goals and ambitions, but you

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program and New Yorkâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s prestigious Neighborhood Playhouse School of the Theatre (alumni include Diane Keaton and Gregory Peck), followed by a short stint in L.A. But things donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t always go according to plan. Halbert experienced a series of setbacksâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;including, at various points, a sleazy manager, resentful teachers and an unhealthy obsession with the gymâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;which caused her to question her lifeâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s goal of becoming Hollywoodâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s next leading lady. So she did something drastic: At age 19, Halbert ventured off a supercharged career path and bought a one-way ticket to Iceland. (Her mom, celebrated fashion designer Linda LundstrĂśm, is Icelandic, though Halbert herself had never been.) â&#x20AC;&#x153;It was a huge culture shock, and I felt lonely. Iceland is so isolating, and the people there are very stoic,â&#x20AC;? she says. â&#x20AC;&#x153;But I needed to step back and regroup.â&#x20AC;? Halbert filled her days by volunteering at a local theatre and working the night shift at a bar. But her daily highlight was hunkering down at a favourite cafĂŠ, sipping soy

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canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t put an age on it. â&#x20AC;&#x153;Why put that pressure on yourself? Stop inflicting these deadlines on yourself and just live!â&#x20AC;?

For Mosha LundstrĂśm Halbert, 24, thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s easier said than done. Halbert knew at age four that she wanted to be an actress and by 10 she had set a strict deadline: to win an Oscar by 26.

(Just like Gwyneth Paltrow had done for her role in Shakespeare in Love.)

Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s an astounding goal for anyone, let alone a prepubescent girl from Toronto, but she devoted the next decade to making it happen. Halbert spent summers at theatre camp, starred in school plays, found an agent at 13, and eventually attended the University of Toronto drama

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RELATING aspirations to act, she remembers being devastated by the reality that there would be no Oscar in her foreseeable future. She felt like she had wasted years of her life.

But Cooper urges women not to view any experience as a regret. â&#x20AC;&#x153;A lot of times you need to have these experiences to determine what you donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t want in order to get you closer to what you do want,â&#x20AC;? she says. â&#x20AC;&#x153;If you look at them as lessons learned, and not successes or failures, that takes a lot of the pressure off.â&#x20AC;? She also believes in listening to your inner voiceâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;more so than what your best friend since Grade 1 has to say, no matter how well intentioned she is.

Katherine Raso is a firm believer in silencing the naysayers and trusting your intuition. The 36-year-old gave up a successful, senior-level job in public relations at the Bay, and regular Sunday-night dinners with her close-knit family in Toronto, for Dubai.

Rasoâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s friends questioned her decision to move to a desert, and her mother was especially concerned. As Raso explains: â&#x20AC;&#x153;I was 33 years old and there I was, picking up and moving across the world. [My motherâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s] first reaction was, â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;[But] when are you getting married and having kids?â&#x20AC;&#x2122;â&#x20AC;?

Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s not that Raso hadnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t considered that prospect. She had always planned to go to university, then law school, and to be married by 25â&#x20AC;&#x201D;a plan that never materialized. She picked travelling to Southeast Asia over studying law. And while her friends were getting married and having kids, Raso found herself single and focused on work. Eager for a new adventure, she tied up loose ends, bid farewell to her family and jumped on a plane to Dubai, where she knew three people.

It was a bold move, but one thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s paid off. Since arriving there in 2008, Raso has formed a tight community of friends and has a fabulous job in PR and business development. (Sheâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s worked on a range of projects, from the massive Atlantis The Palm Dubai hotel launch to creating celebrity lounges during the Abu Dhabi International Film Festival.) â&#x20AC;&#x153;You canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t live your entire life for your friends and family,â&#x20AC;? Raso says of her unconventional choices. â&#x20AC;&#x153;At a certain point,

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WAYS TO RULE YOUR DEADLINE OBSESSION

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you have to do whatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s right for you.â&#x20AC;?

Thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s precisely what Cooper tries to ingrain in womenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s minds: â&#x20AC;&#x153;Youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re never going to be able to control other peopleâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s reactions to what you do. The only thing you can control is how you react to what theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re saying,â&#x20AC;? she explains. â&#x20AC;&#x153;Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s not about having a confrontation and trying to convince the other person of your decisionâ&#x20AC;&#x201D; because you canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t. It just ends up being a power struggle and frustrating.

Graciously accept what theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve said and continue to stay true to yourself.â&#x20AC;?

The difficult part for most people is trying to figure out the difference between being ambitious (having goals and persevering until you reach them) and being bullheaded (religiously sticking to an idealized, and often unrealistic, life plan, regardless of whether itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s the right path for you).

The truth is, if youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re too busy planning, youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re likely limiting yourself: missing the chance to celebrate your successes as you rush on to the next goal, stressing over a missed deadline instead of learning the lesson to be had there, and passing by opportunities, oblivious to the possibilities that present themselves. So forget that self-imposed deadline already. The most important thing is to actually enjoy the journey. Because thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s what life is really about, isnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t it? N WWW.FLARE.COM

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