Sheepish duck
Volume 3
Cover drawing by
Eli Kelley
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Contents Advertisements Magnificent Advice I Review the World Strange Creatures Right Here In Jail Things on my Mind A Deep Thought A True But Little Known Fact Chickens vs. Barrington Things I Want to Do Interesting Interview Badder, Bad, OK, Good Logic Household Objects Go Rogue Dream House Novonyms Dr. Wisteria/The Barrington Beat The Chain Strange Creatures Coming Soon! Short Story Food Stuff Poetry by People Fake Poll 3 More Poems & 1 Cartoon Contributors 3
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Magnificent Advice by Dr. Magnificent
Dear Dr. Magnificent, Why can’t people grow plums on people? Signed, Plummed Out
Dear Plummed, This is ridiculous! That is not asking of advice! Therefore, I am not answering your question. I think you should have a mental check with a doctor. Tell someone about your thoughts. They need to know how sane you are. You know what? I’m calling the hospital right now. Good-bye. Sincerely,
Dr. Magnificent
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Who is Dr. Magnificent?
OK. You all have begged and begged for information from Dr. Magnificent (me), for I am the most perfect man in the world. (Best artist, best author and best cat hair dresser. These are only hobbies in my awesome life.)
Well, I have my diet caviar with mango, special breakfast, served to me by my butler, Coverlie.
My spa date is in 5 minutes, so ta-ta.
Sincerely,
Dr. Magnificent
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I REVIEW The WORLD The Tooth Fairy By The Person Writing This
Hi, this is The Person Writing This. Today I will tell you what I think of the Tooth Fairy. Is the Tooth Fairy using disappearing leprechaun gold instead of a dollar bill?
Recent
undercover
spies
say
yes.
Strange
shipments have been coming in from the leprechauns’ gold mine, suggesting Mrs. Fairy is in cahoots with them. Children across the world are complaining of disappearing dollar bills. The Tooth Fairy has admitted to changing currency of gold to bills, but nothing else.
The final word from spies is that she is using leprechaun gold. It disappeared as soon as our spy waved a glitter-plant scanner over it. When we brought it up to the Tooth Fairy, she went delirious and started screaming about the state of the economy. She is now in a coma under strict supervision.
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Jessica Wan
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By Mr. 17053 Right here in jail I’m going to kill time by looking at a picture of a stack of candy that’s HUGE with all colors.
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Things on my mind
Scissors should be pronounced skizzirs
People bowing to a giant kitty
Bamboo in a tuxedo
Tiny monsters holding pencils in their teeth
Glitter plants STILL aren’t sold every where
Stars are bright
Monkeys are fun
Teeth can be a nuisance
It smells like ham
Harrumph
Fun with purple
Girls shouldn’t wear ties
I like llamas
The cookie timer is going off
OMG! The cookie timer is going off!
Kerry Eller
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A Deep Thought By Mr. 17053 One day I went to school and had a math test.
Jessica Wan
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ren’t we a happy American country? If so, then why do Presidents frown in their portraits? A true but little
known fact: In the National Presidential Portrait Gallery, nine out of sixty pictures have smiling presidents!
Kerry Eller
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Chickens
vs.
BARRINGTON! By Ben Freiman
When she was little, my Mom had chickens. So that inspired me, so I said, “Mom, can we get chickens?” “That’s a good idea,” she said. So we called the Town Hall of Barrington because we didn’t know if getting chickens was allowed. “We’re having a vote in April,” they said. “Why do we have to wait until April?” I said. My Mom said, “It’s their choice. I’m sorry.” Dear Reader: The next chapter is called THE VOTE.
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Things I want to do
Climb a mountain
Pat a duck
Sky dive
Own a library
Be fluent in 5 languages
See teeth out of someone’s mouth
Fly
Meet 30 different authors
See a duck in a tuxedo
Read 50,000 books in my lifetime
Watch a duck fly
Figure out why you can’t turn lights on in the car
Reverse global warming
Find a beavecoon
Eat 90 different types of cookies
Hug a salamander
Have a conversation with a cow
Sing, hum and whistle without family yelling
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Interesting interview In which we ask people to answer our questions Kendall Jones: How interesting is it possible for a catfish to be? Brenda: Not very, unless he is rainbow.
KJ: Bing? Brenda: Boom.
KJ: What would you do if you had no pie, no gum, no clothes, and Katy Perry, Lady Gaga and Justin Bieber were in a fight over a mic? Brenda: I would cry.
KJ: What if you’re rusty? Brenda: I would run to Canada.
KJ: Do you shower on T-shirts? Brenda: On Sundays.
KJ: How do you feel? You are the first one to finish, next to Oprah. You weren’t supposed to get this far. Brenda: I feel like I could eat a banana.
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Donkey Poop
Curling
Having a bald spot Superman Getting shot Dinosaur Paranoia vomit Smoking
Murderers Kleptomania Depression
Santa
Chicken butt
Vandalism
Kidnappers
Cows
Aliens
Surgeries
Sushi
Cereal
Erasers
Coats
Movies
Trading Burritos cards Sicko toddlers Tom Brady with knives Bacon
Stainless Watermelon Steel doors
The name Bob
Doritos
Audi A8 Candy Video Games Jack Killilea
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LOGIC By Dylan Ingham
3-2-11 Nothing of the purple hedgehog. Breaking goo! Cactuses just called war on honks? ‌To-be-Contin-ued! Donkeys are superior to caterpillars, yet donkeys are kind to their unsuperiors. Now, if caterpillars were taught poetry, they would doom donkeys! Cussin! Wussin!
Thing-a-ma-bob!
Yargma-Jargma-Fargme-
woo! But, nothing of the purple hedgehog.
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HOUSeHOLD OBJECTS GO
ROGUE L
ight blub = it has sunglasses and a bowtie Refrigerator
=
hula
skirt
and
rainbow
tentacles shooting out
Kitchen counter = every time you enter the kitchen it leaves a message for you Duct tape = changes color to your mood Duck = gives advice every 30 seconds Jewelry = you think of the piece that you want and it will hop to your body Kerry Eller
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Novonyms
arthroscope: visual joint exam craniary: relating to the skull clandure: the condition of being close terrasophic: land that has wisdom servosity: to keep fullness semiosis: half diseased octaopia: eight eye defects novonym: new word facy: quality of making chlorohood: the condition of being green harruma: to tell of swelling mitology: the science of letting go idioid: resembling peculiarness hemoid: resembling blood dyness: state of power decar: a person who is ten crasspathy: feeling thick zoonym: the word of animal life cotyliatric: the cup of healing practice heteroness: the quality of being different hydraholic: one with an obsession of moisture gastrlith: stomach fossil gradlog: to step next to speech staily: in what manner of standing
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spirile: capable of breathing spiciasis: to look at a diseased condition maxlog: the greatest speech cryptoholic: the secret of obsession candisium: a place of glowing
Kerry Eller
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Mustache on the Mona Lisa Dr. wisteria & Mr. Backward on the case
Dr. Wisteria saw the Mona Lisa in person and discussed the penalties of this crime with her. Meanwhile, Mr. Backward looked at the Mona Lisa with two keen eyes and found fingerprints. The analysis began. The two suspects, Ted & Ted, are twins. They are identical. As the world searches, we watch & wait. Eli Kelley
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Introducing:
The Chain! An awesome band Sometimes guitar, drummer & singer: Eli Eli has a frog named Frogo and two kittens.
Guitarist: Henry Henry has orange hair with a bikini and he rocks.
Pianist: Davis Davis is a baseball dude with lots of talent singing.
Small instrument player and singer: Ben Ben is a weirdo with brown curly hair and an awesome personality with band talent.
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“A literary masterpiece.” Ron Charles, The Washington Post
COMING SOON!
Dr. Exanoid A Novella by Evan Stabach
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Blue Chicken By Eli Kelley
rt thou chicken blue? Why do people yearn
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for the dead chicken, un-skinned? Why does blue have to be blue? Why can’t chicken by
blew? Why doesn’t blue chicken stink like blue cheese? Who likes blue chicken? It totally stinks (no offense to the fat, juicy chicken) because he totally humiliates the Thanksgiving dinner table.
Why do you have to debone it? Isn’t that greatly stupid that you yearn for a fresh scent of mango in the air, while bearing the smell of blue chicken! Why can’t it be Justin Beaver? Why does it have to be blue chicken at the Thanksgiving table? Why not the blew chicken? Why does it have to be turkey?
It is turkey at the Thanksgiving table!
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Baking Lemons I can hear it, smell it, and taste it. Baking lemons. That’s all I can think about when I look.
Baked Lemons: lemons brown sugar silicone baking mat
You sprinkle lemons on the silicone baking mat. Next, you powder the brown sugar over the lemons. Oven to 300. Bake until sugar is melted and syrupy. Cool for 30 minutes or until cooled. Kendall Jones
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How To Make Bacon Guacamole By Ben Frieman
Do you know how to make Bacon Guacamole? Well, it’s your lucky day. I will teach you how to make Bacon Guacamole.
You need:
1.
3 avocados, mashed
2.
1 clove of garlic, minced
3.
2 pieces of bacon, cooked
4.
3 limes, juiced
Cut up the bacon and mix it up with the other ingredients. Now you have made Bacon Guacamole.
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Recipe #1
Recipe #2
1 part vinegar
1/20 mustard
2 parts mustard
1/20 red wine vinegar
7 parts hot sauce
2/20 salad
2 parts crushed potato chips
5/20 milk
1 part croutons
3/20 yogurt
1 part pureed celery & carrots
1/20 cheese
2 parts mayo
3/20 dough
3 parts butter
1/20 pizza sauce
2 parts pureed cheese pizza
2/20 anchovies
1 part gummy bears
Put in blender.
Mix well and drink.
Hit puree.
Get out of school.
Drink. Get out of school.
(Sheepish duck not liable for anything bad.)
Kendall Jones
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Hannah Kirchner
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Mrs. Cook’s poem Mrs. Cook always cooks. Every second, minute, hour and day. The only time she doesn’t cook is on Monday, Tuesday, and Friday.
Mrs. Cook can never stop talking. Every day she goes “Blah, blah, blah.”
Mrs. Cook is short and round. She always thinks she’s tall and skinny. But she so is not like that. And she…
TO BE CONTINUED…
Jessica Wan
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Fun Dip Ingredients: Sugar Nothing else.
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&
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I Want One Free! I want one free. Yes free, as you can See, I want one Free, inside me Something says, I WANT ONE FREE! Yes free! FREE!
Jessica Wan
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Not About Darth Vader Pen The pen isn’t brown nor orange nor pink. It’s not #002 in series 7. It’s not a pen with a cap. It’s not wearing a tuxedo or saying things that aren’t too good to say out loud. And it is not using a porcupine as a self-defense weapon. And… it isn’t using pink and purple glitter ink.
Sam Trachtenberg
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4th Grade It’s about pretty much not
Kendall Jones
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There are paintings in this room. They are not wearing clothes. They are not very colorful. They are not walking. They are not alive. They are not alive to me. They are not alive to anyone. They are not alive to the painter. They are not shaped like pigs. They are not pigs. They are not colored like pigs. They are not pigs. They are not alive. They are not moving. They are not. Not.
Hannah Kirchner
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In my mom’s closet, her shoe collection.
All are black.
None are yellow lace polka dot, or imprints of Pikachu, or beaded explosives.
None are turquoise with purple pens, or spilled white ink, or made of duct tape.
None have plastic wraps of choo pillows, or yellow banana foods, or gory pus from the bloating of paper.
Only one is red and not made of leather, with gold explosive embellishments.
Kendall Jones
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I have baseball lipstick. It’s not black as a tuxedo, Or pink, purple, brown, yellow, red, green, or grey. What could it be? It’s eye black.
Ben Frieman
There are not people who fly, who soar in rainbow clouds, who eat biscuits and drink tea while sitting on a cloud, who know terrasophic, who have arthroscopes. There aren’t people who talk to cows, who milifiank, who plug themselves into outlets. Well, there possibly are. But they be strange.
Kerry Eller
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Not Poem Picture frames are not pigs, U.F.O.s, doves, dragons, or a plasma screen TV. Or anything else in the world except picture frames.
Jack Killilea
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: Variations on the MACARONIC* * Poems that mix languages by using text from two very different places.
For example
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Roasted Lamb Circuits A traditional meal is to roast lamb and install new circuits. Watch out for the spark.
Terminal Vanilla Lemon Tarts The metal tabs connecting the screw terminals which go well with one tablespoon of lemon juice and a bottle of vanilla. Smelly, but good tasting.
Radioactive Chocolate If you are working by yourself, Adjust the radio to a high volume So it will explode. The pieces that are left Can be flavored with chocolate.
Evan Stabach
Text: Wiring 1-2-3 + The Joy of Cooking
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Egypt’s economy Should be removed With a dull knife And sprayed with Detergent.
Pakistani arms Need thorough grooming At least once a week. Apply conditioner and Again rinse thoroughly. Don’t forget to Check the nails!
Henry Johnson Text: The New York Times + The Field Guide to Stains
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One epithalamium! (A poem celebrating a marriage.)
tv Orange and Yellow. The perfect color for the perfect pair. As they kissed, static lit up the air. A new couple was born.
Anonymous
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the Maxity Series maxity: (n.)a person who’s the greatest
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Maxity Who ever doesn’t love their self? Boys love girls and girls love boys. (eventually) It’s a stupid concept. Well, Maxity is a very weird word. It sounds like a name. Maxwell, Max, Maximillion, or Maxity.
Everyone loves their self. Even me. I love me. I heart me. I have everything A person needs To have. That is maxity! I am Mr. Maxity!
Eli Kelley
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Maxity: A person who’s the greatest is the best description of me. When I talk to others, I say, “I be Maxity” and they ask what that means. I, of course, reply that it means me.
Kerry Eller
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Maxity
I am great. Very great. I am very, very, very, very great. Me. Me, The greatest person. In the city? In the state? In the country? In the continent? Or in the world?
Evan Stabach
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Maxity 1 Who is the greatest? I can’t show you, but I can give you clues… It is a he. He has gray hair and he lives in an apartment. He was born in 1935. Who could he be? Grandpa Maxity 2 Who is the greatest? I will give you clues… It is a she. She dyed her hair and lives in an apartment. She was born in 1940. Who could it be? Grandma Maxity 3 Maxity 3 is a she. She lives with me. She was born in 1967. She has three kids that are 9, 11 and 14. Who could it be? Mom Ben Frieman
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FAKE POLL We asked 2,000,001 people what they think of hair.
70 people thought that hair was useful as a peanut butter jar. 1,000,000 people did not know what hair is. 20 people had blue hair. 10 people had zero hair, but had screws (on a dare, they shaved their heads and drove screws into their heads.) 900 people thought bananas were T-shirts. 1 person thought of pie.
On our next fake poll we will ask: Do you have a tuna casserole where your soul is?
I wonder what that place is called. The soul hole? Also, I wonder where it is. In the back of your heart?
Kendall Jones
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This page is blank on purpose.
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And so‌ He died from looking at his wife.
H 57
2 more poems and 1 cartoon
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I don’t want to know… That the sky is blue. That I’m a human being.
I don’t want to know… That I am a girl. And that I am done with this poem.
Jessica Wan
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CotylIatrIc
Cotyliatric—the cup of healing practice Also known as the holy grail. People waste their lives looking for the cotyliatric. But none will ever find it. I shall tell you the secret, So you aren’t one of those people. I will tell you my secret. The Cotyliatric Isn’t real Because I made it up.
Kerry Eller
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This is PAGE 62.
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Dylan Ingham
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CONTRIBUTORS
Benjamin Freiman is in third grade. He is in a band called "The Chain" with five members.
Sophie Liu moved away and we are sad about it. Kerry Eller / The Person Writing This goes to Barrington Middle School. She has these wonderful things called parents – do you have any? - two of them!!
Eli Kelley/Dr. Wisteria is a 3rd grader at Nayatt School. When he's not creating funny stories with Bri and the gang, he can be found playing guitar, drums and singing for his new band "The Chain."
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Evan Stabach is in 4 grade. He is adventurous and fast, and he likes skiing, swimming and stories.
am Dylan Paul Ingham, 10 years old, and I believe in talking Meese (a fake plural word for "moose"). My favorite animals are fennec foxes, wombats, good tempered warthogs, porpoises, tigers, panda and desmans. I am.....me.
th
Kendall Jones is in 4 grade. She has brown hair that hangs down straight and hazel eyes. Bubble letters are her favorite way to write, and she has a cat named Matilda, a Mom and Dad, and a younger sister.
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Jack Killilea is in 4 grade and wants to be a historian. His dad cuts his hair.
Sam Trachtenberg/ Mr. 17053 is in 4th grade and likes video games and
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reading. He also likes to goof around with his friends.
plans on going to art school when she grows up.
EDITORS
rd
Jessica Wan is a 3 grader. She likes writing and doodling. She likes drawing things such as dragons.
Bri Johnson is teaching herself how to write poetry and short stories. She is a librarian.
Hannah Kirchner / Dr. th Magnificent is in 5 grade. She likes ice cream and she babysits four times a week. Her ancestors are from Germany.
Brenna Morton is a senior at the MET High School in Providence. She likes corn muffins and books. Bye forever.
Risa Wan enjoys writing art, and reading. She also loves animals and fantasy. Although she is only 12, Risa
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Thank you for reading
Sheepish Duck!
How to reach us: sheepishduck@gmail.com 401-247-1920 x6 sheepishduck.tumblr.com twitter.com/sheepishduck Barrington Public Library 281 County Road Barrington, Rhode Island 02806
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