GIRLHOOD. by shenellsha_

G I R L H O O D. 1

come as you are

girlhood

g i r HO l OD

h o o d girlhood girlhood girlhood girlhood girlhood girlhood girlhood girlhood girlhood girlhood girlhood girlhood girlhood girlhood girlhood

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g i r l

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G H

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VISUALS

CONTENTS 12

INTRODUCTION

GIRLHOOD

MODERN GIRL INTRO

104

ACCEPTANCE

OPEN UP

128

LET IT BLOOM

UNDRESSING

BELOW THE SURFACE

WORTH

BLACK WHITE

For all the f love, out and ever y between, r to love you

e females in of love ything in remember u rself f irst. - Shenell x

Here, unfolds the beautiful beginning, the start of a rollercoaster of emotions and the journey through the modern girlâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s profiles and their purpose. Girlhood. A hood of badass females brought together to inspire, enlighten a generation of girls and is an access to amplify their voices through the sincere letters, messages and visuals within this book. celebratory ~ ecletic ~ visual ~ graphic ~ empowering A book that celebrates the modern females, tapping into the themes of Undressing, Worth and Acceptance. The purpose is to turn emotions into words and the words into a positive action. This book, and the project as a whole reflects the idea around a community of girls finding their voice and is an attempt to provide a safe environment to share their journey and individual perspectives.

Girlhood is about celebrating who you are ,validating yourself, and knowing that you are more than enough. Self-love has almost become this complex idea, especially in the modern age, where we are connected to technology than weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve ever been. This connection has allowed social comparisons and diluting our minds with negative thoughts about ourselves become a norm and weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re all guilty of doing this, so I wanted to create a project that was built on the foundation of me, we, you - revolved around our true selves and nurturing our being through beautiful words rather than hate.

The process of delayering and finally looking at your naked reflection is the journey from beginning to end, always with searing honesty. Scattered throughout each of the three chapters are some visuals, illustrations and playful graphics to create a rhythmic balance, which I hope may reflect some of the themes, messages and modern girlhood.

An open letter for the deep thinkers and the modern girls that are ready to delve into the diary of truth.

A massive thank you to every single female who contributed to Girlhood . Thank you for all allowing me to read through your thoughts, putting your words out in the open and being honest. Your letters are this book and you are the authors. I hope seeing your words in print (or as an ebook) can provide you with a physical memory of your experience and thoughts in that moment in time , or a new perspective that you can take hold of. I also hope the purpose of this book will allow you to reflect upon yourself and to remember to always plant good seeds from within because interior is just as important as the exterior. - Shenell. S. Poorman

B E your own type of modern girl

The modern girl is embracing her authentic being and living life unapologetically. The notion of ‘simply being’ is what she reflects. She’s not impressing or allowing others to define nor dictate who she is or the person she is becoming. The modern girl is an array of things - she possesses every attitude you can think of. She’s confident yet shy, she’s quirky, filled with sassiness, bold but bare - with a tomboy, minimalistic twist. It’s really whatever you choose to be. She chooses to stand out, removing herself from social, stereotypical norms and continues to evolve in her own bubble. She’s a female aware of her worth and purpose, sharing her personality, voice and warmth thought these pages of Girlhood. Be your own type of modern girl

Photography:

Styling:

Model:

TOMMASO MONTINO SHENELL POORMAN

SHENELL POORMAN

ZENAIDA DOS SANTOS

open

opening

UNDRESSING

S t r i p N a k e d Unclothed N u d e B a r e Vulnerable Surface E x p o s e d R a w Natural 29

Undressing. What comes to mind when you hear this word? Perhaps, the activities of unbuttoning, unzipping, stripping, taking off. This is exactly what I imagine but beyond the physical exterior. The journey of undressing yourself revolves around stripping back the layers, in order to connect to the foundation of our natural state. A natural state of being bare, exposed and unclothed to a blank space of only truth. In the element of nakedness, it tends to hold both an empowering and vulnerable emotion. The juxtaposing, representatives of bold, shy, proud and defenseless, is the feeling of taking your walls down. These days, itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s easy to say a naked body is more attractive than a mind, a mind that we canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t read, that is mute. A mind that cannot visually please the eyes, like a naked body. But, saying that, the naked mind is more beautiful than the naked body. It bleeds with honesty and is the route to falling in love, with yourself. The mind is so mysterious and intriguing, urging you to want to find out more. The overall process is about delayering one word at a time then accepting your true being â&#x20AC;&#x201C; as what undressing is about. The purpose is to turn these emotions into words, and these words into a positive action. The power of undressing is that you become self-aware and crave the nature of growth. A journey of feeding, nurturing and loving you.

U N D RES S YO U R M I N D

Undress. Remove the worries, the fear. And release the passion in your core.

O N E W O R D AT A T I M E

UNDRESSING

Undress your mind mentally Think of a time, when you have been in your natural state. What positive affirmations do you speak onto yourself ?

A new place to drown. As I sit here, in my natural state I reflect and undress these layers. I dive deeply beneath this surface. Deep enough that I drown in my insecurities, flaws and fears. I remind myself that these little things should not overpower me, take lead and fill a huge gap in my life. For me, the most important thing is to continue to love, learn and unlearn things about myself that I come to terms with. Drowning in my divine nature and my natural state of flaws equals the beautiful me. A simple thought and feeling that is not so simple to accept and felt often. My natural state is beautifully unrefined and is the home of my truth. An exquisite place that I learn to embrace and decorate with love , warmth and gentleness. High emotions and bare expressions balance these endless thoughts. The process of this reflection has allowed me to come to the realisation that it is the perfect time to turn over a new leaf and enter into a new place of .... 34

Safety Security Comfort Assurance The natural feelings of home that I want to feel in this new place within my life, a sense of protection. As I travel into this place I speak positivity onto myself. new place - new transition - new person This new place is willing to open and welcome. Lightness and beautiful auras take charge in my space. As I re-charge and reflect, I release bad vibrations that are clouded in judgement and damage. Searching high and low for peace of mind, I now choose to accept happiness, peace and success. I choose to love and put myself first. My place deserves nothing less than a love given wholeheartedly by myself and others. I am worthy of all the love I desire. It is mines to have, to feel, to share, to give and to experience. 35

I plant seeds that will nurture my being and contribute to organic growth. I am an irresistible magnet of energy and overflowing joy. I feed my mind with brilliance and soul with tranquility. I embrace the unique things that define me and unapologetically take full control. And most importantly, my new place removes the old - only the valuable things that bring peace remains.

I Move I Place I Position I Shift I Maneuver Only goodness and love into this home, into me. And as long as I got this, I got a safe place, a place called home. From here on out I will vibrate higher. You are a powerhouse. You are, what you bring into your space, always remember that. Yours truly, 36

Shenell

The purpose is to turn these emotions into words, and these words into a positive action

Dear self, Could you unwind your mind and tell the world who you are? “You are a fashion designer / illustrator / portrait artist ready to make history and break the internet as you make an impact in the fashion industry” You could be unrealistic and continue to talk about all your great personality traits/talents but when you die, so will those things you boasted about die along with you. You could boast so much convincing yourself and others that if you did what you loved then all is good in life. You could go as far as saying as long as you be true to who you are that’s the most important thing in life. Yet, you could be real and speak of eternal and transforming things. You are loud but silent, Hard but soft, Emotional but emotionless, Selfish but selfless, Insane but rational, Unaffected but dramatic, The definition of a paradox

Those are the good and bad traits but those are not the most important things. The importance is the Lord put a desire in you, in fact in every human. A desire for him through his son, Christ. By his grace you became a new creature. All things were passed away, behold all things became new as promised in 2 Corinthians 5:17. As you read the word your desires and thoughts become like Christ. This is when you FNALLY discovered your identity. You was empty and those traits talents above meant absolutely nothing without Christ. You see, you are a paradox fighting to reflect Christ in every area of your life (it sure isnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t easy). Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s only in Christ that you have learnt how to deal with this paradoxical personality and aspirations. What temporary thing in life or personality trait and talent can offer you eternal life? What personality trait and talent deals with sin? Life becomes richer and sweeter even in trials knowing that your hope is in him.

yes

you

still

are

the

Fashion design Illustrator Portrait artist ready to make history and break the internet as you make an impact in the fashion industry. HOWEVER this is nothing or more important than glorifying the Lord in EVERY area of your life. Your legacy should never be just Rachel the fashion designer-internet breaker it should be Rachel the Christian designer who broke the internet. So, Rachel Boonin donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t you ever forget that. Love, Your inner self x

broken

strong

kind

soft

be be

loved imperfect fat

skinny

different

confident

to to 42

empowered be

delicate

bare be be

natural

unrefined

is its own kind of beautiful

It's funny as it has always been an experience of discomfort whenever I see myself in my own natural state, and so I try to avoid examining and analysing myself by all means possible. Only of recent have I started to acknowledge my appearance physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually to realise how fragile and vulnerable I am. The thought alone has given me a sense of comfort and relief. For me it has always been words of affirmations in my mind first and then verbally later. I remember a time where I couldn't take looking at myself, and the thought of viewing me wholeheartedly as beautiful because I had/have so much flaws. It's so toxic that it allows me to think so much of myself in a negative state not realising how I've normalised this action. When I realised how much this had affected me and encouraged my thoughts mentally I felt a sense of conviction, because I was trying to find as much flaws and negative points as I could some became untrue. Slowly I started to look past how I negatively perceived myself overall, starting with my mind and how constant the battle is. Now I appreciate my flaws and look at them as if I did not have these attributes I would not be myself. 44

Shyanne, you're beautiful. You're made in God's image. The rolls, cellulite and stretch marks on your body are really cute. Your facial features are not overbearing or too big. Your kinks and coils create the most perfect circles. Your fatness is a blessing. You're intelligent. You're creative in many aspects. Your gifts and talents are given to you for a reason. Your younger self will thank you so greatly. You can and have overcome things that cause you to be anxious. You can and are overcoming your fears! You're here for a reason. You're important. You're tutors (past and present) will regret their discouraging words. There's most probably more that I can't remember at present but these are my focal points that help motivate me to appreciate my wholeness. Love,

Shyanne

Thinking of a time when I have been in my natural state I once wasnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t comfortable with who I saw. I saw a young woman confused on who she was and afraid to let go of the things that hurt her and finally accept her blessings. I saw a young woman who hated her skin because of her acne suffering. Always questioning why she had to endure such nightmare. But then ... I began to see a young woman with hope for the future, knowing things could only get better. Now I can look at myself and say Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m beautiful inside and out without questioning it. I deem myself to be caring and considerate to others. Those are the positive affirmations I speak to myself. Shanice

Natural state. Being in my natural state is in familiar surroundings. Striped from everything from makeup to wigs nothing but me and my thoughts, and being happy being alone. Learning myself and what makes me happy mentally as appose to materialistically. Knowing that I am just as powerful as a man and I can aim to be whoever I want to be with zero limitations. Dineo

I try to remind myself that I am important regardless of the things I may not be great at. I also like to remind myself that as much as I see some growth in myself now - I also have so much more room for more growth. I like to try and think of the small achievements I have made wether that's just going to uni and reaching the end. Tanya

I feel the happiest when I feel loved. When I see eyes of someone who fully accepts me, I feel inspired, feminine and simply beautiful. I try to surround myself with those, with whom I can talk to about whatever and be myself, this is my key to happiness and success. I tried so many times to fit into someone else’s norms and follow their rules, that in the end made me realise it was for nothing as this didn’t bring the sincere satisfaction I had hoped. Couple of years ago when I started gaining a huge interest in Buddhism, I started waking up, listening to positive Mantras. These beautiful pieces contained affirmations of the day. By simply believing in the fact that this would bring me more luck throughout the day, I’d feel unstoppable and make things happen! When I feel low I listen to mantras whilst reflecting on all the great things that I’ve done. They all say that you should love yourself to the fullest simply because of your existence, but I believe that only kind, honest and sincere people deserve true love. I started analysing the good things that I’ve done and the positive things that I’ve been told about myself. Normally I’d end up realising that I am a ‘descent’ human being. When I realise this, I walk more confidently and receive attention from those, who are at my - confident level. For me it’s all about balancing. I can feel low for two hours, but I then I will pick myself up and make myself proud afterwards. 50

Veronika

"Being yourself comes with an understanding of the many layers and stages that make up the beauty of one whole. I remind myself everyday that consciousness is key." Love, Tyjhan

below

the

surface 53

W OR T H adjective 1. sufficiently good, important, or interesting to be treated or regarded in the way specified noun 2. the level at which someone or something deserves to be valued or rated.

Dear Self, I am worthy, I am enough, I accept the good, the bad, and the ugly. - And let me tell you why..

WO RT H

Chapter two plays with the term worth. There comes a time in our lives when we bury ourselves in doubt and question our worth.

â&#x20AC;&#x153;Am I worthy, am I good enoughâ&#x20AC;? We throw all the confidence we own out the window and our insecurities right onto the table. Insecurities can eat us alive, especially when we measure self-worth by numbers - numbers of likes & followings from social media to size labels. Others determine their value by the attention they attract with their appearance. The importance is, we need to stop social comparisons, validation from outsiders and adopt a daily habit of filling ourselves with love and goodness.

WO RT H

Developing a high foundation of selfworth begins with accepting your flaws and all - internally and externally. Having self-understanding and awareness stems from reflecting and nurturing your being, with the primary ingredients of: love, compassion, positivity and tolerance. Putting these into play, will gradually allow you to develop a high-level of self-love and confidence to build and strengthen a strong back bone. It is vital to understand that the â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;you that you areâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; is enough. This means that you donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t have to strive to become more worthy, more valid, more acceptable, or more loved.

You all of

already those

are things.

You were enough before, you are enough now, and you will continue to be enough as you become more of who you were made to be. Accept the good, the bad and the ugly, one step at a time.

Dear Self, I accept the good, the bad and the ugly. I accept the person I am, fully and unconditionally without judgement. I accept and forgive myself from the errors and I release them freely - no excuses, no second thoughts. I refuse to let my mistakes define or shadow me. I work to endlessly create the best of you, whilst unlearning the habits that hinder my purpose. I love you, I promise to nurture you with greatness and special care, and I accept you with gratitude. I vow to forever hold your hand through the battles - when it rains and when it pours, I will dance in the rain with you. When the seasons begin to transit - I blossom, thrive and push through like a fine day in spring. As I should. I am worthy. I have learnt the meaning of accepting and I am more than enough. I promise to always put you first and show kindness Yours forever & always, 64

Shenell

we hurt we burn we bloom we hurt we burn we bloom we hurt we burn we hurt we burn we bloom we hurt we burn

Dear self, I am worthy of love, family and happiness. I am enough because I am amazing, strong and resilient. I accept the good, the bad and the ugly. -And let me tell you why.. Life is unpredictable and will constantly give you curve balls and make you question yourself. You will be tested by everyone including your own blood family and make you question your worth. Always remember, you are great and you deserve the world. Love yourself always, Regina

Love Strong Resilient Worth Happiness Family

Dear self, I am worthy of happiness, love and fulfilment. I am enough because I know how to utilise my talents to create better experiences for myself and the people around me. Urenna

Dear self, I am worthy of abundant joy. I am enough because I exist. I accept the good, the bad and the ugly because these entities shape my experiences and show me my purpose. Nancy

I AM I AM I AM

Let my tell you why I am worthy because I deserve the best and I accept it now I c

grow o

because and

c I

through r

above

strong enough

I am the good, the bad and the ugly parts because I am perfectly imperfect. Sabrina 71

love

hate

Dear self,

I’m happy that you’ve reached a place of clarity. Your doing much better now and you feel a whole lot better. I’m happy that you haven't let your past mistakes define you. Keep working on becoming the woman of your dreams. Well to be fair you’ve always been the woman of your dreams, you just got lost somewhere along the way and forgot who you was but that is okay because that’s life for you, a journey that doesn’t always quite make sense but you just have to keep going, which you always do. Your journey hasn't been easy but still to continue to flourish beautifully in every way. Continue to search for the peace, happiness and love within yourself that your heart and soul desires so much. You won’t find it outside of yourself and inside other people. Remember that you are important, you are beautiful, you are intelligent and an amazing women all-round. Do not listen to the voices that want to bring you down, don’t let them win.

Self, I’m so proud of you. No matter how many times you fall you always get up and keep going. You turned out to be a lot more amazing that younger self could have ever imagined. She would be so proud right now. Funnythat is, ifyou had told younger self that she’d get to be you right now she would never believe it probably event laugh not knowing how far her strengths could take her. No one can fault you just as long as you're becoming a better you. No one is perfect. You are imperfecwtly perfect just the way you are. Stay away from mean people that make you question yourself. You don't need ‘him’. Love isn't pain, dishonesty, disrespect and constant sadness. You deserve someone that cares about you and only wants the best for you. You deserve someone who isn’t detrimental to your mental health. Ultimwately you deserve someone who will bring you the moon and the stars and please don't ever forget that.

You don’t need ‘them’. A reminder:people who have excessive free time on their hands, whom have no purpose nor nothing to lose will go out of their way to try their hardest to make you unhappy. They see you as a threat because they see your potential. Don't seek validation from them or anyone one, except yourself. You have to accept yourself no matter what because you are stuck with yourself forever. Lastly, Keep molding yourself into the woman you want to be. You are a canvas in which you can paint and splash as you please in order to create your master peace. We are here as humans on this planet and our ultimate purpose is to love. So, don’t stop loving. Love everything and everyone. Self Love, Love Self. Stay soft. Yours Truly, Perola

Dear Me, I am worthy becauase I am me, I embrace me & I love me. I am more than enough as I continue to learn the key foundations of who I am, whilst blossoming into the purposeful woman I aspire to become. I accept the good, the bad and the ugly becuase these parts define me. Love, Anonymous

Dear self, I am a divine individual. I am resilient and strong. Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve been through so much that has shaped me into the beautiful person I am today. None of those experiences have taken away from how valuable you are, they only add to the list of reasons why you are so deserving of all the wonderful things life has to offer.

Taysha

Divine Resilient

Valuable

Deserving

Individual Strong

Dear self, I am worthy because I am a dearly loved child of the creator. Not many could say I AM HERE, ALIVE AND WELL - because not many have made it to this very day. I am enough because I love myself and have many people that care about me. I accept the good, the bad and the ugly. Let me refresh your memory and tell you why...

Life has not always been great, I know sometimes the feeling of being alone consumes you even though you have a lot of people around you. Suicidal thoughts lingering through your head from time to time leading you to question if life is worth living. But the simple answer to accepting life for what it is is simply GOD. Yes, God. Life gets tough but with faith it will get better. My struggles have made me stronger, a perfect life is not realistic but a realistic life with faith is much more.

Years ago I sat on a bus heading towards Waterloo because the bus terminated there - I was supposed to be going sixth-form but I had so much sadness built up within me that no one knew about. I tried to text a few friends to say goodbye as I knew today was the day I would end my life with enough pills to overdose. I planned this day so carefully, I even did research on how to end my life in a less painful way (I know right !! People actually post these things) everything was planned out perfectly, I even resorted to drinking bleach that was in my bathroom when I get home. I cried myself to sleep in bed slowly losing consciousness. I finally started feeling that what I wanted was happening. So many attempts on my life that day led me to a hospital bed but why was I saved? Many others attempted suicide and did not survive but I did. So yes, I am worthy! Many people do not believe me when I say a lady told me how precious my life was that day and that God is always the answer as I cried on the bus. Was that a guardian angel? A Good Samaritan? Whatever she was, she acknowledged that I was enough, I was worthy and after that day I cherished my life much more, and was more connected to God through prayer. My family have never been the same, I notice that they are scared that I might make the same mistake again and when I am alone in my room for a long time they always come check on me. 81

I appeared very happy, was good at hiding things so no one suspected that I would do such a thing but thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s me, a closed book. I like to help people I donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t like people helping me A few years later I graduated with a 2:1, met amazing people that I love very dearly and not only did I make myself proud but my family also. My temper and apparent oobad attitude always led people to believe I would never be shit but I made sure to never try throw my life away again but to make it better. A while after that I lost a job and was back to square one. The difference is that I would not make that same mistake again, things got really tough, all my savings got used up on travelling to interviews, my birthday money got used up on job searching. And now I have a job, the pay is much better than my last and so far I am much happier. My bank account isnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t so happy but with faith I know things will get better. So yes, I accept the good the bad and the ugly because I have gone through all and guess what I AM STILL HERE. I see my life as a second chance and I am confident in my abilities to make my life work no matter what.

Stay strong and always know that life is very precious.

I am enough, I am worthy and that will never change. Diana

you

Dear self,

Although I still have days I don't know what to say, how to think or what to write I know that I can only be me!

I am my biggest critic, my biggest supporter, my worst enemy and my own best friend. I am worthy of everything that comes my wayI can do anything I put my mind to, because God made a queen. A beautiful black queen and taught me to be brave and to be strong to never give up on what I believe in - to accept nothing but greatness and know my value in everything I do. I cry to myself sometimes to remind me that I'm human and I'm allowed to be weak when I don't have all the answers, I know I'm worthy of all my mum brought me up to be because she is my HERO and nothing compares to what I owe her for teaching me to be the person I am.

I am enough because God made me, and all he does is always the right answer. I may not know why or how right now but true colours and answers come to light in the right time. I am enough because I know someone will love me more than I imagine.

I am enough because I know I am. I accept the good, the bad and the ugly because life was not promised perfect. I embrace all that comes with my experiences. I am nice to people, I appreciate my lessons and all my real people around me. I know my experiences are about growth, my journey is about growth.

I love myself for me and no one else.

Shan xx

black

white

hard

soft

G I R L

yours

mine

H O O D

100

101

102

103

A C C E P T AN C E noun 1. the action of consenting to receive or undertake something offered 2. the process or fact of being received as adequate, valid, or suitable. 3. willingness to tolerate a difficult situation.

104

welcome Embrace A d o p t conformation

Approval

Toleration Endurance

105

AC C E P TA N C E

I thought long and hard about this last chapter, as I wanted the ending of this book to leave on a high, reflective note, to somewhat tie the knot. I was back and forth with multiple ideas until now.

Chapter

Three.

The Part that we figure out what it really means to ‘accept’. We begin to think about the importance of accepting and what we accept determines what we believe we deserve. When I talk about the term accepting, I mean loving ourselves, accepting changes and turns in our lives. The notion of accepting was stemmed from a conversation, which then gave me a ‘light bulb moment’. A conversation I had with myself, shall I say, during a bittersweet experience in my life. The bitterness of losing a small part of someone that once shared their whole, and the sweetness of still connecting beyond measurements.

106

AC C E P TA N C E

I found myself still reaching for something that no longer wanted to be held, in the ways I had once imagined. Selfishly, I was wrapped in my own bubble and questioned the waves that rocked our ship. Clouded in my own thoughts, there had to come a time when I laid these words onto the table.

I had to come to terms with accepting this situation, accepting the changes accepting what it really meant to â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;acceptâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; and most importantly, what accepting meant to myself Accepting meant welcoming and letting. I was welcoming the experience and letting the changes in, whilst letting go of the pieces that almost fit.

107

So whatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s my point ? Learning the core of acceptance, is a lifelong practice, and a big part of it is accepting what is taking place. In order to move forward, heal and find peace we must acknowledge what is currently happening, without denying it but embracing reality as we cannot make this disappear. It is time that we begin to accpet what we cannot change and change what we choose to accept. The overall journey of acceptance does not happen overnight - something you cannot rush or force. Remember to embrace the process and the beautiful changes that push you to grow and become wiser.

108

109

The part where we

figure

what

out really

means to -

accept accept accept accept accept accept accept accept

accept accept

110

accept accept

accept accept accept accept

A story about you Reflect on a recent or past experience. How has this taught you to practice accepting yourself unapologetically ? Share this story, as open as you wish.

111

Daily reminder: A life without challenges is a life without growth - a key thought to always remember when life gets you down. We often hear, “my experiences have taught me lessons” – as it should, but it’s also about how we decide to let these lessons shape and contribute to our growth in a positive approach. The process of learning from experiences can either push you into the habit of embracing and loving the unloved parts of yourself or could keep you in a static place. I once held back parts of me that I was too afraid to show as I was pressed on how I’d be perceived by someone that was close to my heart. It sounds funny thinking about it now, but I’d overthink the littlest of things and worry too much about fitting this person into my puzzle. Feelings of insecurity, shyness and not being understood played a huge part in me holding back my wholeness. I wish my younger self knew that changing yourself to make someone love you, is not love. Being yourself lets the right one fall for you.

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out of balance became out of reach and out of reach lead to out of my system and out of my system meant out of order This person became non-existent in my life. I erased and hit reset. Moving forward from this experience by slowing down and growing with time, I have learnt the fundamental elements of relationships and the importance of searching for love within myself, first. The key is to share relationships with people that bring the best â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; to light and that allow you to be the best version of yourself. No holding back, just wholeness. This is something that I have learnt overtime, by building genuine relationships and connections with like-minded people, which has allowed me to embrace and accept myself unapologetically. I water you and you water me; we grow together is what I accept. Push through and push forward. Push the best you out to the world and find the balance of loving you, and loving others. Give yourself the love you so freely give to others - you owe this to yourself. With great warmth and love, SHENELL 113

I used to be around friends who used to get a lot of attention from guys for the wrong reasons. At the time I didn’t see anything wrong with it. I wanted the same attention they received, so I followed their behaviour by dressing really “sexy” and acted “provocative” on camera. It wasn’t me, I wasn’t myself, it didn’t reflect my true character. I acted a fool on social media, embarrassed those around me and shrugged my shoulders when people said it wasn’t a good look. Once I got the attention I was finally craving for, I started noticing that the type of energy I was surrounded by made me unhappy and I ended up losing myself and my dignity I was once prideful of. I felt sick to my stomach because it wasn’t a positive attention. Guys were talking to me for the wrong reasons, girls were speaking negative shit and spending rumours about me that were untrue. I’m not a slut, never was one and I will never be. I acted inappropriate and didn’t notice how disturbing my behaviour was until I reflected.

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It’s sad to know that I lost myself during my teenage years. All for wanting to fit into the wrong crowd and have all eyes on me. This wasn’t the person I was born to be, I’m not a sheep or a follower. I am ME, an individual person who stands out from the crowd. I am a unique person who loves to look different from everyone else. Do I regret my past decisions ? No. If it wasn’t for those mistakes, I wouldn’t be able to learn, grow and identify my true being. Now I embrace myself unapologetically.

ZENAIDA

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Born into an environment of abuses and lack of trust taught me to stand up for myself and defend what I believe in no matter what the situation. These experiences are viewed differently by people who have not been through my journey. Finding my voice through these experiences have thought me to protect others, guide and teach them standing for the truth by not being intimidated by the male gender role and the community as a whole. Moreover these experiences has thought me in accepting, knowing and loving myself through without judgement. These give me hope to know that I have a voice in which will help those after me. One great author Maya Angelou who was abused as a child used her experience as her strength in order to help the younger generation of women who have also been abusing as well. Women in centuries ago did not have a voice, i.e. the right to vote and the right to an education. Now we do, so we the now generation should set a path in using our voice no matter the circumstances and in all standing for the truth. ABENA 116

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I remember when I was in secondary school. I had just moved from a different country and joined from year 10. That new school nerves really got to me and I felt insecure about myself. In order to make myself feel somewhat better I used to hang out with the 'popular' girls so I could fit in and not be an outsider. Even though they were my friends for the most part something inside was missing. I didn't feel myself when I was with them. I was portraying a fake confidence instead of being myself and comfortable with who I was. It took me quite a while to get to that stage of realisation. But when I did I finally cut everyone off and made new friends who understood me, I started to gain more confidence in how I dress. I was not trying to blend in with the crowd anymore Even though it was a really hard transition seeming that you're a teenager trying to fit in the school life, I never felt more happier. I started to gain more confidence, I didn't have to pretend to like or do certain things. I could just be myself. It is always good to surround yourself with people who are going to impact your life positively. Always be true to yourself. 118

LOTTIE

love & be true

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I needed more love, not from men not from my parents not from anyone I needed more love, from myself

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Growing into a woman is both the most beautiful, and the most challenging journey I have faced. It is an ongoing experience where I am learning to love myself and my body, my soul, my very being, and it is the journey where I have finally come to realise one thing. As the years have gone by, and I have grown from child to teenager to adult, a single thought has become my power - I don't need anyone elseâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s affection or approval in order to be good enough. I donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t need to be validated by others. I am enough and I always have been. Being fuelled by that knowledge really has changed my life, as it has given me the power to realise You your

are allowed, and should, remove toxic people from life

Let that sink in. Repeat it to yourself a few times, let the words take home in your mind. You are allowed, and should, remove toxic people from your life. I bet a certain someone who causes you pain comes into your head. Someone who disrupts your peace and makes you feel less than you are. It is often the people that are closest to you, the ones that are meant to nurture you and keep you safe that are the same people that can turn you in to your most vulnerable. 121

Let them go. You don't â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;haveâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; to have anyone in your life, they may be your mum or your dad, a family member, someone you are in love with, a lifelong friend. But you don't owe them anything, and if they don't love you and build you up, then they don't deserve a place in your precious life. Before this realisation I had spent most of my time around people that made me feel like I was hard to love. I forgave people who were never sorry and I made excuses for them that I didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t hear. This was the unhealthiest behavior I have ever demonstrated, because slowly I became this person who thought I deserved all of the hurt people caused me, deserved all of the neglect I received, and I drew further and further into myself. I told myself the harsh statements like they did, spat the same words of venom, constantly knocking myself down. I became at war with myself, in a place of self-hatred, stuck in the cycle of thinking I wasn't good enough for anyone or thing in my life. The bathroom floor became a place of relief for me. The cold tiles were harsh on my skin, the shower water running so my desperate sobbing couldn't be heard. Why was I being treated like this by people who were meant to love me? What was I doing wrong? I could find no reasoning apart from putting the blame on myself for how others treated me. Throughout the years to follow I would spend endless hours of my life sat in front of the mirror, staring at my appearance picking apart each feature, each detail of my own body, hating it, feeling nothing but disgust. 122

I thought extremely low of myself, I wasn't good enough, clever enough, beautiful enough and this mindset was illustrated through some of the choices I made and many of the things and most importantly, people, that I allowed into my life. My childhood low self esteem crept into every avenue of my being, invading my friendships, relationships, choices, education and most importantly how I felt about myself. Looking back I can describe my insecurities, low self-esteem, self-hate, whatever society wishes to label it as,as nothing less than a monster.But it was a monster I truly believe I faced, and we all face, in order to grow. Like every negative experience in my life. My monster was all teeth and sharp claws. Some days it would bite a little deeper, and scratch a little harder compared to others, but it was always there. This kind of pain is so different to just feeling pain, you become the pain, and it is you that is causing yourself pain. It is heartbreaking to think that how you feel about yourself and your body, the body your soul was put into for life, the body that you're in to protect you, can be twisted by your mind and cause you an immense pain unlike no other. The most beautiful people aren't those that have been wrapped up in cotton wool all their lives, it is those that have gone to hell and back, and back again. 123

That get up every single day to face the same demons, it is those that have depth and experience, we chose if pain makes us beautiful or ugly, and it has made me beautiful. Don't get me wrong, I still laughed with friends, enjoyed the sunshine, smiled and sung along to my favourite songs but there, nagging away in the back of my mind was always this insecurity. I was eleven years old the first time I looked at my reflection and cried about what I saw in front of me. I was twenty years old the first time I looked at my reflection and could honestly say I loved what I saw. I am now twenty-two years old and my life is rich with people that love me and people that have a positive impact on my life, I am strong, I am intelligent, and I am beautiful. I have endured pain but I wouldn't change a single second, I have suffered like we all do, worse than some people and less than some people but I have never given up; my childhood has turned me into the woman I am today and I am pretty proud of her because I made her all myself. My experience of reaching my lowest low, and taking control of my life and realising my worth is something I wouldn't change for the world. Because it has made me who I am, and it has made me begin to learn and love the curves of my body and the things that make me tick. I accept myself now and have been slowly falling in love with my body and soul for a few years now and it has been a beautiful experience. 124

So, darling reader, be brave. I know you hurt sometimes, I know you cry, but all of that pain is nothing compared to all of the tomorrowâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s that will make you smile forever. Donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t allow anyone else to have power over your life or your self-worth, keep yourself safe and protect yourself and love yourself. Because when you are sat on that bathroom floor, it is only you who can pull yourself back up again - you will heal and it will be so beautiful you couldn't believe. KAYLEY

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Testing and trials is something will always come into your I believe it is how you deal with

that life. them.

I have learnt that you have to get on with life and don’t let it affect the way you decide to live, grow and accept. I’ve encountered many experiences within my life that has contributed to growth, a closer relationship with God and stronger faith. It’s about how you move forward. I moved forward. The mantra I live by is, LET GO & LET GOD. When you dwell on the past, you cannot move forward. Constantly re-playing, re-thinking and re-cycling your past experiences sets you back from releasing them and thinking about the future. Building a closer relationship with Christ has allowed me to live in my truth and embrace every part of me unapologetically. Often, I look into the mirror and quote beautiful things to myself, words of meaning “I am special” “I am beautiful" “I am intelligent” It is important to always be truthful to myself but also to people. My experiences have taught me this and allowed me to grow stronger and be the woman I am today.

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BOLD CONFIDENT MOTIVATED GO-GETTER WOMAN OF GOD From a strong woman & beautiful mother STACEY-ANN

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LET IT

BLOOM

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A ﬂower does not think of competing to the ﬂower next to it. It just bloo oo m s .

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bloom noun noun: bloom; plural noun: blooms ~

flower,

especial-

ly one cultivated for its beauty ~ the state or period of greatest beauty, freshness, or vigour. verb ~ come into or be beauty or health;

in full flourish.

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blooming

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LET IT BLOOM

Let your truth bloom. Let your spirit bloom. Plant your own seeds Cut of the dead weeds As this will lead To how you will succeed.

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LET IT BLOOM

It begins with a seed. A seed of thought, a seed of hope, a seed of light. Prepare your soil and plant the goodness that your soul craves. I kindly ask that you plant love, plant soul and plant life. This is your home, a place of security, so make it healthy and feed it with richness. Make it a space where seeds can beautifully grow and flourish.

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We are to grow into wholeness, but first we must bloom wherever we are planted, so through the hurt, the wounds and the cracks, be strong and let those heal with peace. Bloom through the dirt Bloom through the pain you endure Bloom through the seasons gloom

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Remember to water your boldness, your abstract and exquisite nature. You are different. Your petals sing in harmony with your beauty, Your stem holds upright with gratitude, Your sweetness attracts all things great and Your presence brings light to the world

So reader, please ... Plant the love Stem from love Water with love And be the love Much love,

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