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Spotlighting Historic Landscapes Could Benefit Milwaukee ... page 8

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::NEWS&VIEWS

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FEATURES | POLLS | TAKING LIBERTIES | ISSUE OF THE WEEK

Telling Milwaukee’s Story

WILL THE NATIONAL DEMOCRATIC CONVENTION COME TO MILWAUKEE NEXT SUMMER? If yes, what will it mean for Milwaukee and Wisconsin? ::BY MELANIE CONKLIN

wenty years ago, Carolyn Walker started Great Impressions Graphics & Printing in the basement of her home on Milwaukee’s Northwest side. She now has five employees and is looking to hire more, purchase new equipment and grow her business from its current niche market in serving funerals. When she learned about Milwaukee being one of three cities competing to host the Democratic Party National Convention in 2020, Walker got excited and prepared by becoming a union-certified shop. “I have plans to grow, and this would be a real game changer for me,” she says. “I’m praying it happens—it’s in my prayers, that’s how important it is.” The convention, at which Democrats will nominate their presidential ticket, will take place July 13-16, 2020. Aside from media coverage, the four-plus days would bring an estimated 50,000 people to the city for 1,500 unique events with a $200 million impact, according to VISIT Milwaukee. The other finalists are Houston, Texas, and Miami Beach, Fla., and a decision will be announced by Democratic National Committee (DNC) Chairman Tom Perez, likely next month. There is a lot of money to be made and spent in hosting a major party’s national convention; the economic story helps not only the hospitality and entertainment realms but all sizes of businesses. It’s also a political story, although that aspect is low in the current focus. Top in the mind of the many planners is the Milwaukee story: A Midwestern, rust-belt, cool-and-most-underrated city on the rise, as a 2018 Vogue article dubbed it. “It’s an opportunity to showcase progress we’ve made,” says Mayor Tom Barrett. “The renaissance in the heart of our city.”

The crown jewel of this bid is the new Fiserv Forum, home of the Milwaukee Bucks. At the center for planning “Milwaukee 2020” is Alex Lasry, senior vice president of the Milwaukee Bucks. As he watched Amazon look to locate its second headquarters, he was frustrated Milwaukee wasn’t even on the early map of dozens of cities. “Milwaukee should be on par with cities on that list, but it was never mentioned,” he says with a sigh of frustration. “It’s the bestkept secret, and this is our way of changing that. It’s time for Milwaukee to come out of the shadows.” Media coverage is lavished on the host city similar to levels of the Final Four or the Super Bowl, notes Lasry. Even once TV satellite trucks head out of town, the impact for a city lingers. Groups think of a city that played host to a major national event for future conventions, tourism or even as a place to relocate. Wisconsin DNC member Martha Love wants to make sure the local story shows Milwaukee as a city of neighborhoods. “We are making sure that our diverse neighborhoods can be presented in showing our city’s entertainment, arts and culture.” The DNC city selection committee has visited Milwaukee twice; the second trip in December included Perez, who has strong family ties to Wisconsin. Restaurateur Joe Bartolotta, who sits on the board of VISIT Milwaukee, hosted the groups and says they left with a favorable impression. “They were surprised, I think, by how beautiful Milwaukee is from our stunning mix of architecture to our own little ocean.” He hopes hosting might even jumpstart other civic projects like the convention center. “If our secret gets out, that’s not a bad thing. This would be a real feather in our cap.”

Milwaukee’s Progressive History

The event’s political nature is being downplayed by many organizers who want to keep the focus on Milwaukee. Indeed, Lasry says they’d be doing the same to lure a Republican Party convention. The process thus far has had virtually no detractors. But Milwaukee is a city steeped in Democratic politics, and Wisconsin has been at the center of the political universe during the last decade—from the uprising against Scott Walker’s Act 10 to being a state that gave the presidential victory to Donald Trump by a very narrow margin. Now, it’s also known for electing Democrats to every statewide seat last November. Congresswoman Gwen Moore sees this as a chance for redemption: “Our state is the birthplace of the Progressive movement. It’s clear we started our return to those values in the recent midterms, but now, it is time to bring Wisconsin principles to the White House. The Midwest is key to the 2020 election and hosting the convention in our neighborhood is the perfect way to help us cross the finish line.” And Love, who has attended conventions going back to the 1980s, is eager to showcase the deep African American political role in state politics going back to trailblazer Vel Phillips, elected as Wisconsin Secretary of State, and up to the most recent election of Mandela Barnes as Wisconsin’s first black lieutenant governor and Kalan Haywood, age 19, as the youngest legislator in the country. Mayor Barrett says it’s good for Democrats to see “Milwaukee challenges in education, poverty and housing” and talk about addressing them here and nationwide. “Business leaders I talk to see it as rebranding Milwaukee. The fact that we’re in the final three tells you how far Milwaukee has come. Yes, we have our challenges, but we’re fighting back.” Convention continued on page 6 >

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SHEPHERD EXPRESS

PRESENTS AT Tickets: www.southmilwaukeepac.org, 414-766-5049, or at the box office

RANDY BACHMAN EVERY SONG TELLS A STORY

JESSE COOK Fri 1/11

Songs of The Guess Who & Bachman-Turner Overdrive BY GEORGE Songs of George Harrison

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MARCH 31 • 7 PM MILLER HIGH LIFE THEATRE Reserved-seat tickets start at $38.00 are on sale at Ticketmaster.com, by phone at 1-800-745-3000, or the Miller High Life Theatre box oﬃce: 500 W. Kilbourn Avenue, Downtown Milwaukee Convenience fees apply.

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Lil Ed and the Blues 3 0 T H A N N I V E R S A R Y Y E A R 1 9 8 9 - 2 0 1 9 Imperials 1434 N FARWELL AVE • 276-7288 • www.SHANKHALL.COM • all shows 21+ $15 All shows start at 8 pm unless otherwise indicated Tickets available at Shank Hall Box Office, 866-468-3401, or at ticketweb.com

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Animation: RUSH tribute In The Flesh: Pink Floyd tribute $12 adv / $15 DR

1/18 Michigan Rattlers, The Flood Brothers ,Tritonics 1/19 Substitute: WHO tribute, Brainstewed: Green Day tribute 1/25 Paul Cebar Tomorrow Sound 1/26 Lindsey Beaver 2/1 Too Fighters: Foo Fighters tribute 2/8 Michael McDermott 2/9 Signalfire, Grace Under Water, A Legend Alone 2/12 Marty Friedman 2/14 Gang Of Four 2/15 Big Bang Baby: STP tribute, Ten: Pearl Jam tribute, Super Unknown: Soundgarden/Audioslave/Temple of the Dog Tribute 2/16 Yipes! 2/21 Two Fifteen, Conniption, Amberstein 2/22 Cash Box Kings 2/23 Without U2: Midwest’s Greatest U2 Tribute 3/1 LIVE! ON STAGE: JONATHAN RICHMAN featuring TOMMY LARKINS on the drums! 3/2 The Steepwater Band 3/3 ADRIAN BELEW 3/6 The Toasters 3/8 Kasim Sulton’s Utopia 3/9 Damaged Justice, Thrasher 3/15 Sprecher presents: Koch Marshall Trio 3/16 Chris Difford 3/17 Eilen Jewell 3/22 Wynchester 3/23 PHUN 3/28 Roy Rogers & The Delta Rhythm Kings 3/30 No Quarter: Milwaukee’s Led Zeppelin tribute band 4/2 TOMMY CASTRO & THE PAINKILLERS Killin’ It Live Record Release Tour 4/5 Peter Bradley Adams 4/6 The Lovin’ Kind, Failure to Launch 4/10 Uli Jon Roth: celebrating the 40th’ Anniversary of Electric Sun, and the release of “Tokyo Tapes 4/12 Cherry Pools, TiLLie 4/13 New Wave Fest 2019 4/14 Roger Clyne & The Peacemakers 4/15 The National Parks 4/18 The Mother Hips 4/19 Pundamonium 4/26 Mary Fahl: Former Lead Singer of OCTOBER PROJECT 5/2 Starz 5/11 Plasticland 5/25 Lincoln Durham 5/26 Terry Reid 5/27 Nashville Pussy, Turbo AC’s, Guitar Wolf 6/1 Davina & The Vagabonds 9/14 The Wigs 10/4 Doug Stone SHEPHERD EXPRESS

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NEWS&VIEWS::FEATURE > Convention continued from page 4

What’s in it for Local Business?

Tim Sheehy, president of the Metropolitan Milwaukee Association of Commerce, is raising money for the bid. He says businesspeople view this through an economic lens: A big “M” for Milwaukee and a little “p” for politics. “Their view is we are spending for Milwaukee, and I represent the green party.” He elaborates that green (as in money) will come in two forms. One is the spending that occurs during the convention—a surge revenue

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stream. And two is the “green that comes from the exposure being the center of attention of the world, arguably. Both make it valuable.” It’s a chance for businesses to pitch their products, make money and recruit new talent, including the many young professionals sure to attend the convention. But what’s in it for the average Milwaukee citizen or a mom-and-pop store? The team is already working towards ensuring that any Milwaukee small business—and particularly diverse businesses—see a boon. Love and the Milwaukee Urban League has hosted a number of “2020 Supplier Diversity Registration Sessions,” and more are planned for 2019. The league talks with women’s groups, minority chambers of commerce, BIDs (Business Improvement Districts), LGBTQ groups, veterans’ groups and neighborhood groups. The DNC requires that a local vendor directory from these groups be set up within 90 days of signing the contract. It adds the list should include “office furniture rental, office supplies, technology support and rental, floral services, messengers, transportation support and rental, security services, communications providers, exhibition services, food and catering, childcare, etc.” Bartolotta knows the hospitality industry— especially restaurants, cabs, Uber, Lyft and hotels—would see a huge spike in business. “The spending that occurs is great for our economy, and it does have a trickle-down effect. July

tends to slow down. I have 1,000 employees, and the waitresses will get good tips, and the cooks will get good hours.” It can benefit startups and entrepreneurs, too, says Gener8tor’s Maggie Brickerman: “The convention relies on hundreds, if not thousands, of vendors and places a priority on engaging with local and diverse businesses, so startups could gain significant business. Even those that aren’t direct vendors will benefit from the spotlight on the city.”

‘We’re the City That Will Host the Best Event.’

Wisconsin weather actually works in its favor given the mid-July dates. The two competitors are hotter and subject to hurricane season. “Every sign points to Milwaukee,” says Barrett, noting there has also not been a Democratic National Convention anywhere in the Midwest outside of Chicago since it was held in St. Louis, Mo., in 1916. The first DNC delegation visited at the perfect time to answer the criticism of Milwaukee being too small for such a large crowd. They arrived 48 hours after the ribbon was cut on the new stadium and 48 hours before 100,000 people rallied for Harley-Davidson’s 115th anniversary. On the plus side, getting around is less time-consuming, and the city is affordable. The DNC convention would not even be on the table were not for the Bucks’ new stadium. It adds another big advantage in that it is the

newest state-of-the-art stadium venue in the nation right now, and the Bucks are certainly doing their part right now with a winning record and a spotlight on superstar Giannis Antetokounmpo. So, where does all this leave Milwaukee? Ask the Buck’s Lasry about Milwaukee’s chances of being picked from the three finalists, and he starts off cautiously: “33%.” But, after a pause, he adds, “If we are able to tell our story and let everyone know about Milwaukee, then we’ll get it. We’re the city that will host the best event.” Comment at shepherdexpress.com. n

HOW TO GET INVOLVED, HOW TO HELP When running the Milwaukee Urban League’s 2020 Supplier Diversity Registration Sessions, Martha Love says the number one question she gets about bringing the Democratic National Convention to Milwaukee is: What can I do to make sure this happens? “The community is energized! People are saying: How can we help?” Love attests. “I tell them to watch YouTube videos of past conventions; you’ll see printing, lights, confetti, balloons, areas for people expressing opinions, table displays, bottled water, food trucks...” Here are some ways Love suggests people like you can help in this important effort: n Potential vendors should go to milwaukee2020.com to fill out a supplier registration. The site is also a place to register support or sign-up for email updates. n Become an ambassador for Milwaukee. “Talk the city up on social media, tour the city. We never do a tour of our city ourselves, and we should. Then, share it so people can see all the richness in our city and neighborhoods,” Love says. n Use #Milwaukee2020 and like/follow the effort on Facebook and Twitter: @Milwaukee2020. It’s that simple. “We’re all set,” says Love. “We just need for them to say ‘go!’”

HOLIDAY HOURS Closed: New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day 6 | JANUARY 10, 2019

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NEWS&VIEWS::FEATURE

Spotlighting Historic Landscapes Could Benefit Milwaukee

STORYTELLING ABOUT PLACES AND PEOPLE HELPS PROMOTE CITIES ::BY VIRGINIA SMALL

ilwaukeeans have inherited a treasure trove of historic parks and other public landscapes rivaling in significance those in Chicago, Minneapolis and other major cities. Nonetheless, Milwaukee’s landscape heritage has not been fully chronicled—so it is less known and accessible than some other cities’. For example, a librarian at Milwaukee’s Central Library said recently that one of the most-requested references that does not exist is a comprehensive history of Milwaukee’s parks. That’s a missed opportunity for Milwaukee, since cities that showcase their many-layered histories also tend to exude present-day dynamism, rather than seeming like “Anywhere, USA.” Some key facts offer clues about how Milwaukee County created a park system noted as a national model. One milestone occurred in 1889 when the city’s new park commission hired Frederick Law Olmsted, the father of American landscape architecture, to help select sites for a foundational “park system,” a concept Olmsted invented. Olmsted designed three of the initial seven: Lake, Riverside and Washington, as well as Newberry Boulevard linking the first two. Lake and Washington parks remain shining examples of Pastoral and Picturesque landscape styles. Warren H. Manning, Olmsted’s planting designer, supervised construction of Milwaukee’s Olmsted-designed parks and continued consulting with park commissioners until 1907. Manning, dubbed America’s first “environmental planner,” designed Mitchell and Kosciusko parks as well as landscapes for Downer College and prominent Milwaukeeans. Subsequent park development and city planning was spearheaded for 40 years by visionary and pragmatic Milwaukee Socialist Charles B. Whitnall. In 1907 he was appointed to both Milwaukee County’s new parks commission and the city’s Public Land Commission. In 1927 Alfred L. Boerner, a Cedarburg-born landscape architect, was hired to design county parks and supervise their construction. He and Whitnall built upon Olmsted’s ideas about parkways, park systems and naturalistic landscapes that also serve recreation. Boerner’s triumphs include Brown Deer and Whitnall parks, as well as Boerner Botanical Gardens. Much county park development was assisted by Depressionera work programs. Another trailblazer who arguably influenced Milwaukee was Horace W.S. Cleveland, hired 8 | JANUARY 10, 2019

in 1870 by Milwaukee’s Public Works Department to design the city’s first planned park. Overlooking Lake Michigan, it was eventually named for Solomon Juneau, Milwaukee’s first mayor. Cleveland presciently planned for drainage and erosion control, as well as beauty. The Transcendentalist and conservationist had designed Sleepy Hollow Cemetery in Concord, Mass., with Robert Morris Copeland in 1855. Cleveland briefly worked with Olmsted before moving to Chicago to practice landscape architecture in 1869; they remained lifelong friends. In 1873, Cleveland wrote a seminal book titled Landscape Architecture, as Applied to the Wants of the West; with an Essay on Forest Planting on the Great Plains. He encouraged designing cities around natural topography (rather than rigid grids), planting street trees and managing forestry—in an era of rampant clearcutting. He wrote, “No such thing as a system of street [tree] planting under municipal regulation has, to my knowledge, been adopted by any city in the country.” His eventual crowning achievement was working to plan and design the Min-

Forest Home Cemetery in 1850. He modeled it after Mount Auburn Cemetery in Cambridge, Massachusetts, America’s first “rural cemetery,” which he had visited. He emphasized existing rolling terrain, trees and floral plantings to create a peaceful, parklike setting. Early settler Byron Kilbourn had recruited Lapham to work here in 1836, including laying out downtown streets west of the Milwaukee River. More recently, Modernist ideas manifested in landscapes as well as buildings. One major legacy is a downtown oasis with a grove of chestnut trees, designed by Dan Kiley, an internationally renowned landscape architect. Surprisingly, when the Marcus Center for the Performing Arts recently announced plans to demolish Kiley’s plaza and replace it with lawn, his name was not mentioned. Kiley also designed the Cudahy Gardens to complement the Santiago Calatrava-designed Milwaukee Art Museum addition.

Landscape Art and Ideas

Landscape architecture frequently gets overlooked as an art form—despite being a direct way to experience a work of art again and again. Olmsted once wrote, “Landscape moves us in a manner more nearly analogous to music than anything else.” Although enjoying landscape art does not require specific knowledge, understanding a place’s design, history and other factors can enhance appreciation of it. The National Park Service defines a “cultural landscape” as “a geographic area, including both cultural and natural resources and the wildlife or domestic animals therein, associated with a historic event, activity or person, or exhibiting other cultural or aesthetic values.” According to NPS, there are four general types of cultural landscapes, not mutually exclusive:

MILWAUKEE’S PUBLIC REALM INCLUDES MANY DIVERSE CULTURAL LANDSCAPES. THEY REFLECT IDEAS SUCH AS THAT PARKS ARE THE “LUNGS OF A CITY” AND THAT “THE COMMONS” AND NATURAL BEAUTY SHOULD BE AVAILABLE TO ALL CITY DWELLERS. HONORING PLACES MAKES HISTORY ACCESSIBLE. neapolis and St. Paul park systems, including preserving the incomparable Mississippi River gorge as parkland. Even earlier, pioneering Wisconsin scientist Increase A. Lapham intimately studied landscapes throughout the state. Lapham wrote the first book published in Milwaukee, A Geographical and Topographical Description of Wisconsin (1844). Renowned for helping to found the National Weather Service and chronicling Wisconsin’s flora, fauna, geology and Native American legacies, Lapham also laid out

historic sites, historic designed landscapes, historic vernacular landscapes, and ethnographic landscapes, which contain “a variety of natural and cultural resources that associated people define as heritage resources,” including religious sacred sites and massive geological structures. Milwaukee’s public realm includes many diverse cultural landscapes. They reflect ideas such as that parks are the “lungs of a city” and that “the commons” and natural beauty should be available to all city dwellers. Honoring places makes history accessible.

Golden Opportunities

Charles Birnbaum, founder and CEO of The Cultural Landscape Foundation based in Washington D.C., considers Milwaukee an ideal candidate for a collaborative effort to develop comprehensive documentation of historic landscapes for TCLF’s online searchable database. Birnbaum wrote in a recent email, “When initiating these efforts, the first step is to compile a list of sites and designers that we should focus on as we develop our research. We endeavor to work with local collegiate educators and their students, municipal agencies, nonprofit groups, local landscape architects and history/preservation professionals to inform that list.” TCLF also hosts “What’s Out There Weekends” with free interpretive tours led by expert guides. The weekends, held annually in different cities, “highlight the unique landscape legacy and local character of each city, defined by its publicly accessible parks, gardens, plazas, cemeteries, memorials and neighborhoods.” An extension of TCLF’s database, What’s Out There Weekends “draw people out into their communities to experience first-hand the landscapes that they see every day but often overlook.” Recently highlighted cities include Austin, Chicago, Indianapolis, Nashville and San Antonio. “Olmsted 2022—The Legacy,” a nationwide celebration of the 200th anniversary of Frederick Law Olmsted’s birth, will be another chance for Milwaukee to shine. Milwaukee trails only Boston, Buffalo, Louisville and New York in number of parks designed by the “father of American parks.” Organizations throughout North America have begun planning to honor legacies of Olmsted and the successor firm headed by his sons.

Why History Matters

In “Why the Past Matters,” published in 2000 by the Wisconsin Magazine of History, William Cronon wrote, “What saves the past is the stories we tell about it. It is our stories that take dead objects and boring documents and make them live again.” Cronon is the Frederick Jackson Turner Professor of History, Geography, and Environmental Studies at the UW-Madison. His title itself honors a fellow esteemed historian from Portage, Wis. Cronon concludes “Let us seek to know the worlds we have lost, the people and creatures and institutions and landscapes and ideas that have made the world we now inhabit… In remembering, we remember ourselves.” Cronon and other UW scholars have long led in studies relating to landscape history and land conservation. In Milwaukee, numerous scholars study and teach about urban landscapes, including Arijit Sen and Joseph Rodriguez at UW-Milwaukee, and Michael Carriere at Milwaukee School of Engineering. The City of Milwaukee’s Historic Preservation Commission offers guidelines for preserving historic assets, including landscapes. Collectively honoring historically and culturally significant landscapes could help inform civic decision making. Without concerted attention, Milwaukee’s landscape heritage faces underappreciation, neglect or even random erasing and replacing. Comment at shepherdexpress.com. n SHEPHERD EXPRESS

LOCAL LANDSCAPES IN THE NEWS Milwaukee’s Dan Kiley -designed grove at the Marcus Center for the Performing Arts The Cultural Landscape Foundation recently wrote in a media release:“To have, within blocks of each other, two public projects [at the Marcus Center and Milwaukee Art Museum] that bookend the civic career of one of the most important post-war landscape architects is of great cultural significance for the City of Milwaukee—a distinction that once forfeited can never be regained, and one that should be carefully weighed against the center’s plans, especially given its stated mission to provide ‘the best of cultural and community programming.’ This important public space is leased by the County of Milwaukee to the Marcus Center for the Performing Arts, and there should be public input before it is erased forever. At the very least, citizens and design professionals should be allowed to review and voice their opinions about the plans. There has, however, been no indication that either the county or the center itself will provide such an opportunity.” Washington Park has been nominated for designation as a local historic district by Michael Carriere, an associate professor of history and environmental studies at Milwaukee School of Engineering. The Historic Preservation Commission is scheduled to vote on the nomination on Monday, Jan. 14, followed by review by the Common Council’s zoning committee and then the full council. The March on Milwaukee 50th Anniversary Committee is working to honor, with historic markers, sites in Milwaukee where Civil Rights-era milestones happened.

SHEPHERD EXPRESS

JOIN US Monday, January 21, 2019

22nd ANNUAL MLK CELEBRATION BREAKFAST Join us as we honor the life and legacy of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. and recognize local community members and organizations who are dedicated to serving others.

ON: AT: RSVP:

Monday, January 21, 2019 • 7–9 a.m. 7 a.m. Registration 7:30 a.m. Breakfast and Program

Special thank you to Aurora Health Care, our lead event sponsor.

Italian Community Center 631 E. Chicago St., Milwaukee Please respond by Friday, January 11, 2019 via the event page on our website: ymcamke.org

AWARD RECOGNITION:

» Northwestern Mutual Youth Development Spoken Word Award: TO BE ANNOUNCED » GE Healthcare Healthy Living Award: UWM ZILBER SCHOOL OF PUBLIC HEALTH » Potawatomi Hotel & Casino Social Responsibility Award: CITY OF MILWAUKEE OFFICE OF VIOLENCE PREVENTION

3rd ANNUAL YOUTH ENGAGED MLK Join us as we come together to watch the film PERSONAL STATEMENT by Juliane Dressner, which follows three Brooklyn teens who want to be the first generation in their families to go to college. This presentation is open to youth ages 14-18 years old.

ON: Monday, January 21, 2019 • 11 a.m.-2 p.m. AT: Oriental Theatre • 2230 N. Farwell Ave., Milwaukee FEE: This event is FREE to all youth serving organizations,

Special thank you to our partners.

but seating is limited, so registration is required.

::SAVINGOURDEMOCRACY ( JAN. 10 - JAN. 16, 2019 ) The Shepherd Express serves as a clearinghouse for all activities in the greater Milwaukee area that peacefully push back against discriminatory, reactionary or authoritarian actions and policies of the Donald Trump administration, as well as others who seek to thwart social justice. We will publicize and promote actions, demonstrations, planning meetings, teach-ins, party-building meetings, drinking-discussion get-togethers and any other actions that are directed toward fighting back to preserve our liberal democratic system.

Thursday, Jan. 10

Democratic Socialists of America Milwaukee Chapter Happy Hour @ Lakefront Brewery (1872 N. Commerce St.), 6-8 p.m.

The Milwaukee chapter of Democratic Socialists of America will host a happy hour at Lakefront Brewery for new members to get to know each other and for others to come and learn more about the organization.

Saturday, Jan. 12

Peace Action of Wisconsin Activist Training @ The Peace Center (1001 E. Keefe Ave.), 11 a.m.-5 p.m.

This workshop, presented by activists and former fellows at the Marquette University Center for Peacemaking George Martin and Julie Enslow, will cover meeting facilitation, strategy chart planning, nonviolent direct actions and more. To register, email juliebenslow@gmail.com with the subject line “activist training” or call 414-745-5740.

Democratic Socialists of America Milwaukee Chapter General Meeting @ Milwaukee

Public Library (814 W. Wisconsin Ave.), noon-1:30 p.m.

Monday, Jan. 14

Wisconsin Working Families Party New Years Resolution Kickoff @ Working Families Party Office (413 N. Second St.), 6-8 p.m.

The Wisconsin Working Families Party invites the public to come talk about the party’s resolutions for the new year, which include elect more progressive candidates to fight for working families, strong public schools and justice. Food and drinks will be provided.

The Milwaukee chapter of the Democratic Socialists of America will hold their general meeting at the Milwaukee Central Library. New members will be able to learn about the organization and “educate, agitate and organize for the world we want to see.”

Wednesday, Jan. 16

Peace Action of Wisconsin: Stand for Peace @ The corner of Capitol Drive and Humboldt Avenue, noon-1 p.m.

Every Saturday from noon-1 p.m., concerned citizens join with Peace Action Wisconsin to protest war and, literally, “Stand for Peace.” Signs will be provided for those who need them. Protesters are encouraged to stick around for conversation and coffee afterward.

Laughing Liberally Milwaukee @ ComedySportz Milwaukee (420 S. First St.), 8-10 p.m.

Shawn Vasquez, Dana Ehrmann and sketch comedy group The Accountants of Homeland Security.

Laughing Liberally Milwaukee is a monthly progressive political comedy show hosted by comedian, satirist and progressive talk radio host Matthew Filipowicz. This month’s show features Ton Johnson, Cynthia Marie, Jen Durbent,

District 3 Candidate Forum: MPS School Board @ Atkinson Library Community Room (1960 W. Atkinson Ave.), 6-7:30 p.m.

A coalition of community organizations have come together to host a candidate forum for the Milwaukee Public Schools Board of Directors. Candidates Catrina Crane and Sequanna Taylor will participate. The spring primary will be held on Tuesday, Feb. 19. The general election will be on Tuesday, April 2. To submit to this column, please send a brief description of your action, including date and time, to savingourdemocracy@ shepex.com. Together, we can fight to minimize the damage that Donald Trump and others of his kind have planned for our great country.

NEWS&VIEWS::POLL

You’re Worried About the Economy Last week, we asked if you are worried that the U.S. economy is headed in the wrong direction. You said: n Yes: 71% n No: 29%

What Do You Say? Do you find it odd that, after eight years of doing so much damage to Milwaukee, Scott Walker has decided to live here? n Yes n No Vote online at shepherdexpress.com. We’ll publish the results of this poll in next week’s issue.

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SHEPHERD EXPRESS

NEWS&VIEWS::TAKINGLIBERTIES

The Most Dangerous Peacenik in the World ::BY JOEL MCNALLY

hen Donald Trump announced his sudden decision to begin withdrawing U.S. troops from Syria and Afghanistan, I couldn’t help thinking about all those peace marches I participated in circling the old and new federal buildings in Milwaukee with some of the most decent, most moral people I’ve ever known. Could one of the most indecent, immoral presidents in American history really transform himself into “Peacenik Trump,” hero of the antiwar movement? Surely not. We still remember “Madman Trump” bragging about the size of his nuclear button and threatening to rain down “fire and fury like the world has never seen” upon millions of human beings in North Korea. Many pacifists opposing war are deeply committed Christians, but they’re not those rightwing Christians supporting Trump’s racial and religious bigotry. The Christians at anti-war rallies shelter and support immigrants and refugees fleeing violence in their own lands instead of slamming America’s door in their faces. As a country, we’re certainly long overdue for a thoughtful national debate about what we’re achieving in the endless war since the 2001 attack on America. After 17 years, with Osama bin Laden long gone and other perpetrators imprisoned and tortured without trial, U.S. troops continue to fight all over the world, seemingly forever. So, sure, let’s have an intelligent national debate about war and peace and ending endless wars.

Big Gut, Small Brain

But, of course, Trump has never encouraged intelligent national debate. He simply woke up one morning and sent out a tweet immediately withdrawing all U.S. troops from Syria and half of its troops from Afghanistan. There were no military plans assuring troop safety. No one in the military—and nobody who knew anything about what’s going on in those countries—was even consulted. Rather than wasting time on policy debates, Trump simply consults his own ample gut, which he brags is smarter than most people’s brains. Trump doesn’t rely on facts when making decisions. Constant lying is the most consistent feature of his presidency. The Washington Post’s fact checker documented an average of 15 lies or misleading statements a day from Trump in 2018—nearly tripling his 2017 mendacity rate from his ﬁrst year as president. Nearly everyone realizes the president rarely tells the truth, but many dismiss his pathological lying as a harmless presidential eccentricity. SHEPHERD EXPRESS

It’s not. His public dishonesty makes negotiating with our president impossible. That’s on glaring display in the non-negotiations to end Trump’s government shutdown. It also stymies countries seeking international agreements with an American president who routinely trashes international agreements. Every measure passed last week by Democrats controlling the House of Representatives to end Trump’s government shutdown was part of a bipartisan agreement with the Senate that Trump supported. That was way back… several weeks ago. All it took was criticism from Rush Limbaugh for Trump to reverse himself. Now, he says, he’ll keep the government shut down for years unless Democrats agree to spend billions of U.S. tax dollars on a wall he promised voters Mexico would pay for. Beyond the daily lies, Trump’s presidency has exposed the two biggest lies of his life.

The ﬁrst is that he’s a master negotiator. It’s clear Trump never read The Art of the Deal, his own best-selling book actually written by Tony Schwartz, who has said of Trump: “He’s incapable of reading a book, much less writing one.” Trump’s brilliant negotiating strategy is to insist Democrats waste billions on a worthless 2,000-mile wall the majority of Americans oppose. The second lie about Trump’s life is that he must be smart because he’s a rich businessman. The spotlight of the presidency exposed just how little Trump actually knows about… well, anything. That might seem like an overstatement, but he’s seriously impaired. Imagine how little any of us would know if, like Trump, we were incapable of reading. He’s either functionally illiterate or possesses such an inﬁnitesimal, childlike attention span that he can’t concentrate on reading anything more than a few

minutes. The intelligence experts who prepare daily presidential brieﬁngs on complex world problems need to reduce Trump’s reports to pictures and ﬂashy graphics. That such a profoundly ignorant man could still retain an enormous family real estate fortune despite multiple bankruptcies is a public testament to the overwhelming bias of America’s laws and tax system in favor of the wealthiest among us. There’s a very good reason why lack of education is one of the most important predictors of support for Trump and why Trump once publicly exclaimed, “I love the poorly educated!” That’s why no one in the anti-war movement would ever be foolish enough to believe any U.S. military withdrawals promised by this president. They know most of what he says never happens. Comment at shepherdexpress.com. n

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Flexitarian Fest Sampler

We are bending over backwards to serve up tidbits so tasty you’ll never miss the meat. Stop by and try some of our favorite vegetarian treats – from main dishes to snacks -

Saturday January 12th 11am - 2pm

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all Outpost stores

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hen people think of a community organizer, they often envision someone on the front lines leading a crowd, but Tammy Rivera often works in the background mending the building blocks of local community organizations. Rivera came into the Southside Organizing Center (SOC) as a consultant to restructure the organization and fix the finances, but after being there for six months, she knew she had to stay. Soon, she became the executive director and focused on the nuts and bolts that held the organization together. With a diverse background in community organizing, education and administrative leadership, she understood that the organization could not achieve its goals without first diversifying its funding and rebuilding its programming. â&#x20AC;&#x153;Five percent of the movement is the romantic t-shirts, posters and rallies,â&#x20AC;? she says, â&#x20AC;&#x153;95% of it is work.â&#x20AC;? Every SOC program and initiative now relates back to its mission, which is to work with residents to ensure safe, livable and economically vibrant communities. If the SOC provides the leadership training and support for its residents, then the people of Milwaukeeâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s South Side will have a stronger voice when contributing to decisions made about their community. One of SOCâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s main programs involves working directly with resident-led neighborhood associations with the intention of strengthening the groups and training leaders. Four leaders from each group can be sent to SOCâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s leadership institute to learn leadership development. Rivera built the curriculum based on her extensive skillset which also teaches grassroots organizing and economic development. The idea, she explains, is for these people â&#x20AC;&#x153;to have a voice whether the SOC exists or not.â&#x20AC;? The SOC wants to put power into the hands of the people and give them the ability to dictate their future. Outspoken, bold and unapologetic, Rivera will not hesitate to invite you into the doors of the SOC and get you involved. But, if you ask her what she thinks South Side residents need, she wonâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t tell you. Her response will be, â&#x20AC;&#x153;Hold on a second! Let me see what the people think. Thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s what a community organizer does.â&#x20AC;? Rivera and the SOC team make a point not to put words into the mouths of the people they serve. Rather, they regularly ask people in the neighborhood what they want to change by bringing people together for public meetings or going door-to-door. One change Rivera has implemented is building a new board of people that accurately represents the community. That means people from different races, ethnicities, generations and amounts of time on the South Side. The organization does not simply serve the community, itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a vital part of the neighborhood. The essence of the South Side is the power of pueblo. Born and raised in the shadow of the Walkerâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Point clocktower, Rivera understands this strength. The residents of this neighborhood struggle together, but they build change together and support each other. Rivera, herself, has been through this struggle, but in her words uses her pain as her superpower: â&#x20AC;&#x153;The affirmation is the pueblo.â&#x20AC;? Learn more about the Southside Organizing Center at socmilwaukee.org. For more of Erin Bloodgoodâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s work, visit bloodgoodfoto.com. Comment at shepherdexpress.com. n SHEPHERD EXPRESS

::CANNABISCONNECTION THE GO-TO SITE FOR EVERYTHING CANNABIS IN WISCONSIN

We will keep you informed each week about the growing availability of legal cannabis products in Milwaukee and what’s happening at the state level with respect to Wisconsin’s movement towards legalization, what’s happening in other states and in the rest of the world.

Column introduction: Long demonized and riddled with negative stereotypes, cannabis is now becoming recognized and respected for its therapeutic and industrial properties, and state-by-state, draconian laws against the plant are falling away. Wisconsin has recently enjoyed a boom of businesses offering cannabidiol (CBD), the nonpsychoactive phytocannabinoid derived from cannabis species. A Wisconsin law signed in 2017 legalized the growing of industrial hemp. This month the Shepherd Express introduces ‘Cannabis,’ a new column dedicated to covering hemprelated topics, businesses and farmers.

LoveBootch Kombucha’s Cannabidiol-infused Brew ::BY SHEILA JULSON Jessica Peterburs has been making LoveBootch Kombucha—bottled tea obtained through fermentation of bacteria and yeast, known for its health benefits— for over two years. When she began infusing her product with cannabidiol (CBD), she realized she had something special. Her CBD kombucha became extremely popular at retail outlets, and she’s outgrown her second commercial kitchen in Muskego. In April, Peterburs is set to open Dispensary on Division in East Troy, Wis. Her new store will have a kombucha processing workspace in the back, along with a dispensary with CBD retail products and CBD-infused kombucha available on tap or in bottles. Peterburs first discovered Hemp Rescue, a full-spectrum (CBD) product that she uses in her kombucha, at House of Nutrition, in Kenosha. She brainstormed with House of Nutrition owner Mark Wistar about how to introduce CBD to more people and came up with the idea to add CBD to her small-batch kombucha. She started with lighter kombucha flavors, so that customers could taste the CBD’s grassy flavor and wouldn’t doubt that the product actually contains CBD. “From there, it evolved,” Peterburs said. “Customers trust that the CBD is in there, so I’ve been able to branch out with more flavors, and any regular flavor can be made with the supplement of CBD oil.” The CBD oil supplement is added just before capping. Peterburs uses local products such as Urbal Tea, and she’s working with the Wisconsin Department of Agriculture, Trade and Consumer Protection to use the “Something Special from Wisconsin” logo. Her most popular flavors of CBD-infused kombucha are elderberry, blueberry and spearmint, brewed with herbal tea, so the only caffeine present is from the starter culture. Also popular is Sweet Greens, a newer flavor with dehydrated vegetables, fruit and ginger; mandarin ginger; and tangerine hibiscus. Peterburs predicts that edibles and CBD-infused beverages will complement other retail CBD products like topical oils, while making CBD more convenient and approachable. “People like it in beverage form because they don’t have to put it under the tongue (like a tincture),” she said. “It’s a different way of consumption.” LoveBootch Kombucha offers the beverage with or without CBD, currently available at several retail and farmers markets including Milaeger’s Great Lakes Farmers Market, which is open year-round. Some hemp-specific outlets carry just the CBDinfused kombucha. Peterburs notes that some stores where she never thought CBD kombucha would go over well is where it’s selling best. Peterburs also holds fermentation workshops and sells symbiotic culture of bacteria and yeast, better known in fermentation circles as SCOBY. “I want to be a resource for everyone,” she said. “I will look at photos of people’s kombucha batches, answer questions and share recipes.” The farmers market setting, along with store demonstrations and the upcoming opening of Dispensary on Division, allows Peterburs to dispel any myths about CBD and educate the public on whether CBD is right for them. Peterburs works in health care as an imaging services supervisor in ultrasound and breast imaging, and she’s a doctoral student in health studies. For more information, visit lovebootchkombucha.com.

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M I N DF U L NE S S I N E VE RY D AY L I F E

Winter 2019

11 Tuesdays or Thursdays, 6:30-8:30 pm Jan 22/24 Beginning Mindfulness Practice Jan 29/31 Sitting and Walking Meditation Feb 5/7 Mindfulness of Body Feb 12/14 Mindfulness of Feelings Feb 19/21 Mindfulness of Thought Feb 26/28 Mindfulness of the World Mar 5/7 Four Noble Truths Mar 12/14 Lovingkindness Mar 19/21 Compassion Mar 26/28 Sympathetic Joy Apr 2/4 Equanimity / Graduation

The Intravaganza is led by Paul Norton, M.D. Order of Interbeing

Milwaukee Mindfulness Practice Center 1922 East Park Place Milwaukee, WI 53211

225 for entire course 30 for any individual week

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($375 for couples)

Includes reading materials and 2 CDs of guided meditation All proceeds go the Mindfulness Center

To register: Mail to Mindfulness Center 1922 East Park Place, Milwaukee, WI 53211 or E-Mail milwmindful@gmail.com or Call 414-962-8678 or online at www.milwaukeemindfulness.com

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OUR MILWAUKEE FARWELL LOCATION WILL CLOSE ON JANUARY 19TH We invite you to shop at our other Milwaukee location (near MIAD) after January 19TH, or find us online at DickBlick.com.

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::DININGOUT

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FEATURE | SHORT ORDER | EAT/DRINK

Shake Shack

Burgers Worth Pining After at Shake Shack

The Brat Burger ($7.89), a Milwaukee-only offering, tops a beef patty with a Usinger’s jalapeno cheddar brat that’s been butterflied and griddled. This sandwich also gets a smear of ShackSauce, along with outstanding ale-marinated and fried shallots. They’re like crispy onion strings but with a noticeable beer bite. You can also order the brat sans burger patty ($5) with the addition of American cheese sauce. The ‘Shroom Burger ($6.89) forgoes beef for a substantial portobello mushroom ::BY LACEY MUSZYNSKI stuffed with muenster and cheddar cheeses before being breaded and deep fried. With a core of molten cheese, it’s hard to pass up, and it can be added to a cheesehake Shack has been on my radar for a long time. When burger to make a Shack Stack ($9.59). I wrote about Milwaukee’s burgers for Serious Eats many Though it’s not a burger, the Chick’n Shack ($6.39) sandwich did not get overyears ago, the editors of the New York City-based website looked by the Shack’s product developers. A thick chicken breast is cooked in published dozens of articles about Shake Shack—they buttermilk, then battered and fried to order. Crunchy whisps of batter surround couldn’t stop talking about their favorite burgers. So, in my the supple chicken. Shredded iceberg lettuce, a few pickle slices and a thick, mind, and in the minds of a lot of food obsessives, Shack herb-studded buttermilk mayo complete the package. (Protip: order a side of Shake has been a burger holy grail, but impossible to get that mayo for fry dipping.) outside of NYC. All sandwiches are served on Martin’s Potato Rolls, a brand of hamburger buns That is until they started opening locations all over the that, for some reason, doesn’t distribute to grocery stores in the area (trust me, I’ve world. It became a publicly-traded company in 2014 and has grown to over 200 locations. Now that this well-loved looked: the nearest is the Kenosha Woodman’s). They’re ethereally fluffy, squishy, and have a cult following all their own. They’re lightly toasted here, as all good burger joint is officially a chain, is it worthy of the hype? burger buns should be. And can a non-local chain based on burgers and frozen Fries ($2.79) are crinkle cut, with a great ratio of crisp outside to soft interior. You custard compete here, where burgers and frozen custard definitely want to get them with cheese sauce ($3.79) and ask for it on the side so have been established for decades? they stay crisp. There’s enough cheese flavor in the sauce to satisfy any good WisShort answer: Hell yes! You bet Shake Shack is competing, consinite, and it stays smooth and flowing to boot. There is no shame in scraping and it’s throwing down. I don’t know how this location compares the last bit out of your cup with the little wooden fork they stick in your fries. to one of the originals, but I do know the food is damn tasty, even to us burger and As for the frozen custard, it’s hard to beat Milwaukee’s custard stalwarts, and custard aficionados. well, Shake Shack doesn’t. It does, however, offer a very good version, even better The ShackBurger is the signature offering and comes as a single ($5.39) or douthan some “custard” places here that pump it out of soft serve machines. Skip the ble ($7.99). It’s pretty as a picture, with a thin burger patty served seared-side up, a concretes and try a shake ($5.19+), which was on par with the local spots, instead. generous slice of yellow American cheese melted over it, exactly two slices (always There’s also a small variety of local tap beers, if that’s more your drink wheelhouse. two) of Roma tomato, a light smear of tangy mayo-based ShackSauce, and a single So, after all the years of pining for a burger I couldn’t have, I finally got it, and it green lettuce leaf, frilly side out, all photogenically bursting from the waxed paper lived up to my high expectations. Judging by the steady stream of customers into pouch it’s served in. This is the only restaurant I know of where the actual items the modern Third Ward restaurant, it seems many agree. I was worried about an look as good as the publicity photos. outsider like Shack Shake competing with our beloved local institutions, but I think Salt and pepper are used heavily on the beef patties. It’s Milwaukeeans will always be able to make room in their hearts enough to make you notice the seasoning but without that imand stomachs for more delicious burgers and custard. mediate thirst you get from someplace like McDonald’s. The beef Shake Shack is a proprietary blend made of Angus short rib, chuck, brisket and 220 E. Buffalo St. skirt steak, with no hormones or antibiotics. A nice crust from the CORRECTION: The Dec. 27 Short Order review of Strange 414-509-1080 • $-$$ Town neglected to mention that chef Mia LeTendre is also the griddle, similar but not as pronounced as Culver’s, lends extra flavor and texture. restaurant’s co-owner. shakeshack.com

14 | J A N U A R Y 1 0 , 2 0 1 9

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DININGOUT::EATDRINK

Meet Smokin’ Ts’ Versatile Sauce ::BY SHEILA JULSON

homas Hochheim of Smokin’ Ts had always enjoyed good food. Born and raised in Germany, he was influenced by his family of restaurateurs and chefs. His grandparents owned a restaurant and hotel in Germany, his father was in the restaurant business and his mother was a chef. When Hochheim was 13, his family left Germany and spent time in the Caribbean before settling in Florida. Following in his family’s footsteps, Hochheim also began working in restaurants. While managing a French classical restaurant in the Sunshine State, Hochheim was inspired by one of their appetizers, made with smoked shrimp, scallops and tomatoes. Inspired by how smoke added such a satisfying, earthy-rich flavor to foods, he got the idea for Smokin’ Ts and created the sauce that would later become his full-time business. Hochheim moved to Delafield, Wis., 15 years ago to work at his brother-in-law’s restaurant, Kurt’s Steakhouse; meanwhile, his smoky sauce was quickly becoming a hit with family and friends. He eventually met

the owners of a pickling business in Waukesha County, and they guided him toward state food licensing requirements and how to find a commercial kitchen. Hochheim and his wife, Jeannie, obtained food licensing at the end of 2014 and started producing and selling Smokin’ Ts sauce in 2015. Although Smokin’ Ts is typically found in the barbecue sauce section of retail outlets, it’s more versatile than just for slathering on a rack or ribs or a slab of tofu. The complex flavor profile also makes it a fine dressing or marinade. “I don’t use liquid or artificial smoke,” Hochheim said proudly. “I actually smoke my tomatoes and onions in a smoker and process them into sauce afterwards. That’s the difference.” Hochheim said he also uses clean, simple ingredients and no preservatives, although he still gets questions about xanthan gum, which he said is a natural thickener derived from the sugars of corn. The two flavors, Original or With a Kick, are available in two sizes— 12-ounce bottles and two-ounce sample/travel size jars. With a Kick has added habanero, and that kick comes in about 10 seconds later at the back of the throat. Hochheim emphasized that it’s not a hot sauce, but “perfectly spicy.”

Smokin’ Ts is also gluten-free certified and vegan. “That’s a whole other demographic of customers. People usually don’t start out vegan, so they might miss the meat flavor, and the smoke really emulates that meaty flavor.” As a salad dressing, Hochheim said Smokin’ Ts particularly goes well on salads topped with seafood, grilled chicken or pork. It can be mixed with cream cheese to make a dip, it can add a smoky taste component to a Bloody Mary or enhance the flavor of “anything in a crockpot,” Hochheim said. “Everyone has a little different way of using it, some people like to put it on eggs or in a breakfast burrito, or they use it in a deviled egg recipe to bring out the flavor.” Smokin’ Ts has won or placed in competitions, including the International Flavor Awards in Sun Prairie and the Wisconsin State Fair’s Eats & Treats competition. Hochheim sells Smokin’ Ts at several farmers markets, including the Milwaukee Winter Farmers Market and Milaeger’s Great Lakes Winter Farmers Market, as well as butcher shops, grocery stores, bakeries and locally owned shops in Southeast Wisconsin and northern Illinois. For more information, visit smokints.com.

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CLASSIC COOKBOOK: IT’S STILL GOOD FOOD! ::BY DAVID LUHRSSEN Daniel Halpern was a poet and Julie Strand a psychologist. Neither one owned a trendy restaurant or claimed to be a professional chef, yet their 1985 cookbook, The Good Food, became a beloved addition to many kitchen counters. It was path-laying. As the authors write in their preface to the new edition: I n 1985, tahini, cilantro and balsamic vinegar were unknown to most people in most cities. The foodie culture has changed that. Nowadays, The Good Food might even seem conventional—at least to those who prize novelty over flavor. The recipes are stick-to-the-ribs dishes that might not always be in fashion but will never go out of style. The Good Food is focused on soups, stews and pastas with an accent on Italy and a touch of India and the Near East.

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::RUTHIE’SSOCIALCALENDAR Jan. 10—LGBT+ Adult Game Night at Milwaukee LGBT Community Center (1110 N. Market St.): Pop over to this 5-7:30 p.m. party for a night of fun and friendship. The center provides the games (or bring your own), so you can enjoy a sober and safe place to meet new folks. Free and open to all 18 and older, the night also includes light non-alcoholic refreshments. Swing by mkelgbt.org for more on this monthly gamenight gathering. Jan. 11—Out at Wilmot Mountain Ski Resort at Wilmot Mountain (11931 Fox River Road, Wilmot): Whether you want to grab your skis and hit the slopes, sled down Tubing Hill or simply enjoy a cocktail in the lodge by the fireplace, this 5-10 p.m. night can’t be beat when you’re surrounded by like-minded friends. Hang on to your ski lift ticket for free admission to the 10 p.m. after-party at Club Icon (6305 120th Ave., Kenosha).

Don’t Create a Parent Trap Dear Ruthie,

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Jan. 11-12—Yule Ball at Turner Hall Ballroom (1040 Vel R. Phillips Ave.): This annual celebration of wizards, witches, spells and spirits has become so successful, organizers extended the party to two nights this year. Open at 7 p.m. both evenings, this adultsonly, Harry Potter-themed party encourages guests to wear their finest robes, gowns and/cosplay attire for a bewitching evening of dancing, cocktailing, shopping (be sure to visit “Vendor Alley”) and more. Admission is $25 at the door or purchase tickets in advance at Oak & Shield Gaming Pub (600 E. Ogden Ave.).

Our adult son came out to us in March 2018. I believe that my husband and I are very supportive (my husband’s brother is also gay), and we wish nothing but happiness and success for him. We’re super supportive of LGBTQ people, and we love our son. He tells us he’s been happily dating someone for several months now. He tells us how happy he is with this man, but he refuses to introduce him to us. We were excited to meet this man over the holidays, but no luck. We don’t get it. We want to share in his happiness, but he just won’t let us meet his boyfriend. He won’t even give us his last name, presumably so we can’t look him up on social media. Speaking of which, our son seems to have no photos of this mystery man on his social media pages. (Not that we’ve been trolling. LOL.) Is there something our son is hiding? Are we not as supportive as we think? Is this guy imaginary?

Jan. 12—Drag Storytime in MKE at Gathering Place Brewing Company (811 E. Vienna Ave.): After a short break, this free, family friendly morning is back! Join Tempest Heat as she reads the kids a story or two encouraging acceptance, individualism and love. Bring a donation (a children’s book, a gym ball or money), and receive a free raffle ticket. The story time runs 11 a.m. to noon; contact arodriguez@thriveservicelearning. org with questions or to learn about volunteer opportunities.

Dear Trappers,

Jan. 13—Kim Chi at This Is It! (418 E. Wells St.): It’s a Chicago invasion when Ru Paul favorite Kim Chi blows into town with Rocky Ya at her side. Nab your tickets at thisisitbar.ticketleap.com ($10 for the show; $25 for show plus meet and greet) and enjoy the 8 p.m. fun before Kim arrives at 10 p.m. In addition, you’ll also get to check out the fantastic new and expanded performance space at this legendary bar!

What’s up? Parent Trap

Let you son call the shots here. You say he’s an adult, so let him make his own decision where this is concerned. Maybe he just doesn’t feel the time is right. Perhaps he’s not as sold on this guy as he says he is. Who knows? There could be a slew of reasons that he’s not ready to bring his boo into the family fold, and that’s OK. Keep being the supportive parents you are and let him deal with his dating life as he sees ﬁt.

Jan. 12—Name & Gender Change Clinic at Neighborhood Law Clinic (2312 S. Park St., Madison): The team at Trans Law Help Wisconsin host this informative seminar. The free 1 p.m. clinic offers two hours of useful tips and hints to navigate the complexities of name and gender changes in the eyes of the law. Jan. 12—“A Miltown Variety Show” at Riverwest Public House Cooperative (815 E. Locust St.): A $5 cover charge gets you into this 10 p.m. revue hosted by the Miltown Kings. Enjoy the talents of your favorite drag kings alongside up and coming acts that are sure to take the city by storm. Jan. 13—Commando January Chili Cook Off at Kruz (354 E. National Ave.): Oh, boy! The guys of the Castaways MC Levi/Leather social group are at it again, hosting another Sunday Funday! A chili cookoff takes center stage during the 3 p.m. event (arrive right at 3 p.m. if you want to submit an entry). Raffles, beer and soda busts, food and more make this a Sunday that’s sure to beat the winter doldrums.

Ask Ruthie a question and share your events at dearruthie@shepex.com. Follow her on Instagram @ruthiekeester and Facebook at Dear Ruthie. Don’t miss her hilarious reality show on YouTube—“Camp Wannakiki!”

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::MYLGBTQPoint of View

Celebrating Stonewall’s Golden Anniversary, Soberly

::BY PAUL MASTERSON

019 marks the 50th Anniversary of the Stonewall Riots. For LGBTQs, it will be a year of tempered celebration. Although one would think the strides made in the struggle for LGBTQ equality over the past half century would be “etched in stone,” as the saying goes, the outlook for LGBTQs remains difficult to predict. November’s Blue Wave and the opening of the 116th Congress, the most diverse in history, is cause for optimism. Our ruling body now includes 10 LGBTQ-identified members and more than 100 women with a

Democratic majority in the House of Representatives. A trans flag now hangs outside the office of Virginia Congresswoman Jennifer Wexton (D-Virginia), who is the aunt of a trans child. Arizonans elected the first bisexual member of the Senate, Democrat Kyrsten Sinema. Here in Wisconsin, we ousted Governor Scott “Butinaskaya” Walker and elected Democrat Tony Evers. This may stem the tide of the last two years of setbacks, especially given Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi’s commitment to the Equality Act to insure LGBTQ rights. But, hate and fear remain virulent. Advocate magazine published a list of the world’s “Top 10 homophobes” of 2018. Competing with the Brazilian, Tanzanian and Malaysian heads-ofstate were a parade of Republican functionaries. With that and all the mayhem of the closing weeks of 2018, I checked the Log Cabin Republicans (LCR) social media page to see what they were saying. After all, these are the folks who helped usher in the regime with all its horrors and have since been quite chuff with themselves that they did. I found the usual joust between LCRs and their detractors. Someone mentioned the obvious GOP threats to LGBTQ rights to which one gay regime loyalist blithely made the inevitable

bitch-slap-worthy reply, “What more ‘rights’ do I need?? We have gay marriage legal across the land. I don’t get what gay activists are still asking for or even needed!” Needless to say, that quote came without acknowledgement of the party’s inherent opposition to LGBTQ marriage, adoption, trans military members, health care, etc. A Republicanengineered rollback of civil rights in deference to religious exemptions is well underway. The ACLU lists nearly 100 bills in State legislatures intended to abridge or deny LGBTQ rights. A proposed Arizona law forbids teachers from discussing LGBTQ issues in the classroom with the threat of firing if they do. A lesbian attorney’s reappointment to the U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission was blocked by a single Republican senator because of her support for LGBTQ equality. Locally, there’s Judge Gordon Giampietro, the regime’s U.S. Court nominee for the Eastern District of Wisconsin. His attitude towards the LGBTQ community has been described as “brazen contempt.” All that, plus the spike in hate crimes against LGBTQs, proves the need for gay activism now more than ever before. Still, after the decade’s worst year for stocks and regime financial policies undoing

STILL, AFTER THE DECADE’S WORST YEAR FOR STOCKS AND REGIME FINANCIAL POLICIES UNDOING THE OBAMA RECOVERY, SOME OF MY GAY REPUBLICAN ACQUAINTANCES HAVE EXPRESSED SECOND THOUGHTS ABOUT THEIR ONCE-RABID REGIME FEALTY. the Obama Recovery, some of my gay Republican acquaintances have expressed second thoughts about their once-rabid regime fealty. Now that the value of their 30 pieces of silver has plummeted, they’re hanging up their brown shirts (sorry, caramel) and clutching their pearls with voter’s remorse. Meanwhile, Canada will mint a new dollar coin in celebration of LGBTQ rights. The USA will not.

ASKTHEATTORNEY:: SPONSORED CONTENT BY ATTORNEY WILLARD P. TECHMEIER

HOW SHOULD I GO ABOUT CHOOSING AN ATTORNEY? WHAT SHOULD I LOOK FOR? Start with experience. Make sure your lawyer has previously dealt with cases like yours. Read their biography. Ask what geographic areas they cover. See what results the lawyer has obtained in other cases. Ask about fees. Techmeier Law Firm handles most cases on a contingency basis—if you don’t get a ﬁnancial recovery, you don’t have to pay a penny in attorney fees or costs. We will investigate the facts of your case and explain your legal rights and options. We will deal with the insurance companies, which are always looking to pay out as little as possible. We will know what documents, records and evidence to submit in order to maximize your recovery.

We will take care of all the paperwork and the million little details so you can concentrate on getting healthy again. If you decide to give us a call, you will speak with a courteous professional about the details of your case. There is no commitment. There is no charge for the call, which is completely conﬁdential. We can even set up an in-person meeting where we can discuss your potential case and a strategy of how we will go about it. Seeing a lawyer can be stressful. We will try to alleviate that stress with clear, honest talk. We will discuss the pros and cons of your case.

*The information in this column is not intended to be taken as legal advice. It is indented to provide general information regarding personal injury law. For more speciﬁc details, you can always give us a call, and we will assist you to the best of our ability. We look forward to working with you as your trusted legal advisors.

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MEET ATTORNEY WILLARD P. TECHMEIER For the last 30 years, Attorney Will Techmeier has focused his practice on helping people who have been injured through no fault of their own. His firm is on record for having received more than $100M for clients and their families. The firm’s mission is to give clients and their families the financial resources to put their lives back together after an accident, whether it be an automobile, a machine guarding incident, bad drug or wrongful death case. “When we accept a new case at the Techmeier Law Firm, we don’t just open another file, we establish a relationship,” says Techmeier.

Submit your Personal Injury legal questions at: emailadmin@techmeier.com

(414) 400-4000 J A N U A R Y 1 0 , 2 0 1 9 | 29

Be free to be

YOU!

::ILIKEITLIKETHAT

2019 is Off to a Difficult

Start and Self-Care is the Key

::BY CARMEN MURGUIA

There’s another way to stay HIV negative. PrEP is one pill. Once a day. Working in your body to prevent HIV!

Learn more: arcw.org

Children’s Book Drive During the month of January, Shepherd Express will be accepting gently used children’s books for ages 1-5. BOOK DROP OFF: 207 E. Buffalo St., Suite 410, Milwaukee, WI 53202 Monday through Friday 8:30am – 5pm

Your contribution doesn’t just build literacy and life skills for Milwaukee’s children—it builds a brighter future for us all. 30 | J A N U A R Y 1 0 , 2 0 1 9

appy New Year to Ruthie, Paul, Christopher and you, our Shepherd Express LGBTQ fans! May 2019 be filled with love of self, love of others and love of life. On New Year’s Day morning, I woke up with a cold that made me wonder if I should even go out to the movies on $5 Tuesday. Would leaving my warm house and going out into the cold make it worse? Would I even be alert enough to capture the film’s meaning? Would I be coughing and sneezing all the way through the best parts? The movies won. After all, it’s the new J-Lo film Second Act, a comedy drama about a Puerto Rican working class woman from Queens who loves her boyfriend and wants to start a family, then finds herself in the luxurious world of a Manhattan products company, reconnects with her daughter and ultimately makes a choice: to tell the truth about who she really is. All I did was sniffle through the film, and yes, I caught a chill. I also caught the meaning of choices that we make in life and the impact on ourselves and others that those choices make. Fast forward to that evening, and a friend stopped by unexpectedly to talk about finding meaning in life and, as I walked behind her SUV, I didn’t notice the sheet of ice below. I fell smack down on the ice in my driveway right on my pelvis and hard on my right knee and leg. Man, did I wail; fortunately, she was there to comfort me. The timing of her visit was impeccable because we were able to comfort one another. I firmly believe external pain and bruising goes away faster than internal pain and sadness and bruises that hurt from messages that linger long past the messages we get. I spent today getting x-rays, putting a natural healing cream, drinking expectorant and, of course, resting. It was while lying there in my bed, looking up at the ceiling, that I realized I need to comfort and care for myself more in 2019. I don’t do it enough because I’m moving so fast through life, wanting to see what’s new and next. As LGBTQ people, we are often in survival mode to protect our identity; the choices we make are around being honest with ourselves and others, being there for our friends and family as they are figuring out life along the way. How do we learn to comfort and care for ourselves and let that be enough? How do we move forward from each painful experience both internally and externally? How do we find time to look out for each other in our LGBTQ community while balancing self-care and self-love? How could something so big and so trendy like self-care be such a big deal? In his article “Self-Care is a Big Deal for LGBT People,” Adam D. Blum, founder and director of the Gay Therapy Center, writes about the five “B’s” for better self-care: Boundaries, Bodies, Breath, Being Grateful and Becoming Curious. Boundaries. Many of us are afraid to say no. Deep down, we fear we’ll be all alone if we assert our boundaries. Ironically, the opposite is true. We’ll have more and better relationships when we learn to put our needs at the top of the priority list. Bodies. Does the topic of getting enough exercise and good nutrition make your eyes glaze over? There’s no getting around the importance of caring for your body. Many studies show that exercise works better than medication for moderate levels of anxiety and depression, with no side effects. Breath. What could be more boring than breathing? And yet, it is the fastest way to reduce our anxiety and feel more centered. Taking several deep breaths that go all the way into our belly reduces our heart rate. It is no coincidence that the work “spirit” comes from the word “breath” in Latin. Being Grateful. One of the best ways to start feeling better is to reflect on what you have that is good. It takes practice to challenge that automatically pessimistic perspective. Becoming Curious. Another way to say this is learning to track yourself. This means slowing down enough to occasionally notice our interior dialogue in addition to our behaviors. By cultivating curiosity, we get more raw data about what is actually true about ourselves. Without awareness, change can’t occur. It’s much easier to stay busy with the distractions of apps, shopping or entertainment than to take 15 seconds to notice, and the long-term good stuff comes from “noticing.” Being curious is simply remaining open to what is going on with you. Self-care isn’t complicated, and I like it like that!

Until next time, Love, Carmen. SHEPHERD EXPRESS

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::MUSIC

DAVID MCCLISTER

FEATURE | ALBUM REVIEWS | CONCERT REVIEWS | LOCAL MUSIC

For more MUSIC, log onto shepherdexpress.com

The Return of Trampled by Turtles ::BY JOSHUA MILLER

back up. They returned last year to the stage in support of their first new album in ometimes a little time off can help one refocus and see four years, Life is Good on the Open Road. the bigger picture. “Personally and creatively, it’s always nice to get a little space in any kind of relaFor the Duluth, Minn. genre-hopping band Trampled tionship, especially a musical one,” Simonett says. “We’ve been busy together for so by Turtles, that was the realization a few years ago, long, we wanted to make sure to recognize when it’s time to relax a little bit and be prompting them to go on hiatus. After a string of busy apart and do other things. We want to keep this thing fresh and that’s exactly what years recording and touring, they felt it was time for a it did.” break. Everyone went their separate ways, filling their time However, at first it took some convincing to get Simonett on board to tour. He with their own music projects, including lead singer Dave had been recording and touring heavily on his own and wasn’t sure he would be Simonett with his project Dead Man Winter. ready to jump so quickly into Trampled’s heavy touring schedule. Simonett also had time to do some production work But as he started writing the album’s title track, he changed his tune. for several bands, including Wisconsin’s Horseshoes & “I had gotten so burned out on touring, but I had to remind myself that it’s a Hand Grenades and Them Coulee Boys. He first became pretty special life and I’m pretty lucky to have it,” he says. “A lot of that song is me friends with both bands several years ago after meeting pointing to the parts of it that I really love about it and the adventure and unknown them at a small festival outside Winona called Boats and of it and keeping it fresh.” Bluegrass. Horseshoes & Hand Grenades released their That feeling was certainly felt when the band reassembled for the first time in album The Ode last year, while Them Coulee Boys are hopseveral years in a Minnesota cabin in October 2017. It was a joyous ing to release their album later this year. occasion but also a sad one due to Tom Petty’s death. The band “I was off the road and they were going off to make would later cover Petty’s “Wildflowers” for a Record Store Day release. Trampled records,” he says. “It’s just something I’ve been dabbling in a bit and “It was the weekend that Tom Petty died so it was a little bit somthe timing just worked. Both of those experiences were great. Both By Turtles ber,” says Simonett. “It wasn’t somber being together. That part was bands are full of great people and they made really cool albums. Riverside great. We hadn’t been in the room for like 18 months. So, there was They just reached out and asked if I would be part of that process. It Theater that joy of being back with these guys who are pretty much family was a real joy to do it.” Saturday, Jan. 12, to me now. Mixed with sadness of one of our music and songwriting “The studio is my favorite place so just witnessing and being part 8 p.m. heroes passing away. So, it was a bittersweet time.” of the creation of an album is really special and probably one of my Sonically, the band sought to capture the energetic and loose feelfavorite parts of working in music.” ing of one of their shows. Instead of going into the studio and seeing He’s excited to have Them Coulee Boys as the opener for the what happened, they simply sat in a circle and played the songs together live. band’s Wisconsin shows this month. “We did a lot of it live, us with our instruments in a room together, which is how “It’ll be great to see those guys again,” Simonett says. “Since I made their record, we started out recording and is still one of my favorite ways to do it,” says Simonett. I haven’t seen them play any of that stuff live. So, I’m not only excited to hear the “It felt very casual and easy. I think that was a good way to get back together.” songs that we worked on but hear where they’ve gone since then, and to see them Trampled By Turtles play the Riverside Theater with Them Coulee Boys on Saturday, live since they’re such a great band.” Jan. 12, at 8 p.m. In 2017, the members of Trampled by Turtles decided it was time to pick things

32 | J A N U A R Y 1 0 , 2 0 1 9

SHEPHERD EXPRESS

::::LOCALMUSIC

Zach Pietrini Gets A Little Help From a Fan

::BY JOSHUA MILLER

ach Pietrini is beaming with excitement for what’s in store in the year ahead. The Milwaukee singersongwriter and band leader is planning to perform as much as he can in the months ahead—including at South by Southwest—and to get into the studio at some point to record a new album. But before that, he’ll mark the “end of a chapter” of the Zach Pietrini Band, with the release of new EP Denver Sessions (B-Sides). It features an assortment of unused songs, many of which didn’t make the cut for his 2017 release Holding onto Ghosts. It’s a collection of music made for and courtesy of his loyal fanbase. Pietrini and his band were barely out of the studio recording Ghosts when a fan named Kevin offered to ﬂy them out to Denver to record in a studio there. The fan was studying in school to be a music engineer and had a connection at Side 3 Studios in Denver. “Literally the week after we got out of the studio, a guy who is a mutual friend and a fan of our music basically offered us a trip out to Colorado,” Pietrini says. “First, it started as just me. And then it turned out he was ‘No, let’s get the whole band. We’ll do a 20-hour session. I’ll get you time at the studio.’ He just gifted us this thing.” Pietrini began looking through his notes and demos to see what music he had available. Some were nearly complete while others were rough sketches of songs. “I had a couple weeks to basically chart out a bunch of music and get some ideas down,” he says. “When choosing songs [for Ghosts], it’s not like I said, ‘These 6-7 songs are junk.’ I really believed in these songs. They’re part of me like most of my music is. A lot of it is me making sense of life.

“Sometimes you don’t have a place to use them, but you really enjoy them. It can be very frustrating,” he continues. “The reason I wanted these tunes was that I really believed in what they were by themselves.” The band flew out to Denver for three days and spent two of them recording in the studio. Pietrini shared production duties with Zach Meyer, who had produced Ghosts. “Zach is very talented and has a good ear,” Pietrini says. “He knows the stuff because he was in the studio for Holding onto Ghosts before that. The hardest part of recording is finding someone you can let your guard down, and they understand your sound because they’ve been living in it. But I can with Zach. It was a natural extension, where it was like, ‘Hey, we finished this one project, do you want to jump on this next one with us?’” While the Denver Sessions songs aren’t as connected as the ones on Ghosts, they have a more varied sound. “Americana can go in many different sonic directions. For the Denver Sessions, I took more advantage of that where it wasn’t bogged down by keeping everything in one family,” Pietrini says. “I felt like I picked and chose between parts of that genre I liked best. Though it sounds closer to Holding onto Ghosts than what the next album will sound like. It’s in the in-between space where some Zach of it is channeling that old country sound, with Pietrini new rock sensibilities. It dived into rockier, Band Tom Petty, Bruce Springsteen territory.” Ultimately, Pietrini feels it helped that they Twisted were operating out of “abundance instead of Path shortage.” They didn’t feel the strain of a typiDistillery cal recording opportunity where it was “oh Friday, shoot, we got to get through this because it’s Jan. 11 our one shot.” & Instead, there was a relaxed feeling since Saturday, this was an opportunity that came out of genJan. 12 erosity. Anything that came out of it would be a bonus. He hopes this puts them ahead for the next record. “Some of our biggest expenses are recording,” he says. “So, you usually start in the hole pretty far and then you hope that you can make it back. For this one, we didn’t have it hanging over our head. Everything we make from that is going to go back into making the next record, and hopefully we’ll be starting out with a really nice

Zach Pietrini

budget. I’m hoping to get to the point where enough of the money we’re making from people liking and supporting our music just goes back into making more.” The Zach Pietrini Band will play release shows for Denver Sessions (B-Sides) at Twisted Path Distillery on Friday, Jan. 11, and Saturday, Jan. 12.

Comprehensive STI & HIV Testing, Consultation and Treatment. By Appointment, often same-day available. For more information, call us at 414-264-8800 3251 N. Holton Street Milwaukee, WI 53212 www.holtonstreetclinic.org SHEPHERD EXPRESS

1/10 Hootennany with the cast of Milwaukee Rep's "River of Song"

1/17 Amanda Huff

J A N U A R Y 1 0 , 2 0 1 9 | 33

MUSIC::LISTINGS

::ALBUMS Eric Dolphy

To list your event, go to shepherdexpress.com/events and click submit an event

Musical Prophet: The Expanded 1963 New York Studio Sessions

THURSDAY, JANUARY 10

(RESONANCE RECORDS) Alto saxophonist, bass clarinetist and flautist Eric Dolphy was influenced by bebop, Igor Stravinsky, John Coltrane and—as much as anything else—birdsongs. He died young of undiagnosed diabetes while on European tour, shortly after the New York recording session that yielded a pair of LPs, Conversations and Iron Man. Those two albums are reissued as part of Musical Prophet along with what producer Zev Feldman assures us in his liner notes are the best of previously undiscovered outtakes. Dolphy’s music remains remarkable and relatively timeless, soulful and spontaneous with an elastically rhythmic snap. On “Music Matador,” he draws from the joyous tempo of the Caribbean from where his family came. Dolphy drove the sax to its technical limits, but his assured humility seemed to whisper: “I’m not here to show off.” The three-disc set includes an extensive booklet. —David Luhrssen

Nora Collins Strings Nora Collins has moved from suburban Milwaukee to Nashville. The change befits a singer who survived the local late ’00s boomlet of young women pursuing pop country in Taylor Swift’s wake. Ready for her national breakthrough, her latest release, Strings, finds her savvier than ever to the trends Music Row nowadays deems apt for commercial radio. Perhaps because she’s always had a bit of pop flair about her work, Collins’ venture into dance music doesn’t feel like bait-and-switch. Collins leans a bit toward tradition on Strings’ most empathetic cut where she invites Vince Gill for some background vocals. Elsewhere, she maintains local ties by giving Bluemound Road a lyrical namecheck. The great asset of her exuberant voice with a patina of twang remains an undiminished delight. —Jamie Lee Rake

Dewa Budjana Mahandini (MOONJUNE RECORDS) Indonesia occupies little bandwidth in global popular music, but among fans of a revitalized breed of fusion musicians, Dewa Budjana is recognized. On his 11th solo album, the guitarist leaps easily between registers, jumping from the sonic frills of fusion jazz to the harsh roar of grunge. And that’s only on “Crowded,” Mahandini’s opening track. Much of the album sounds descended from the Steve Howe wing of ’70s prog. Mahandini has many guest spots, including vocals by John Frusciante of Red Hot Chili Peppers and Soimah Pancawati, a pop and movie star in Indonesia. —Morton Shlabotnik

34 | J A N U A R Y 1 0 , 2 0 1 9

Cactus Club, Total Chaos w/The DUIs County Clare Irish Inn & Pub, Acoustic Irish Folk w/Barry Dodd Jazz Estate, Gypsy Jazz Scott Hlavenka & Friends Kelly’s Bleachers (Big Bend), JJ Eckl Lucky Joe’s Tosa, Matt MF Tyner Mason Street Grill, Mark Thierfelder Jazz Trio (5:30pm) Mezcalero Restaurant, Ultimate Open Jam w/host Abracadabra O’Donoghues Irish Pub (Elm Grove), The All-Star SUPERband (6pm) On the Bayou, Open Mic Comedy w/host The Original Darryl Hill Potawatomi Hotel & Casino, In Bar 360: Hambo and the Meemops Rave / Eagles Club, LANCO w/Caylee Hammack (all-ages, 7pm) Rounding Third Bar and Grill, World’s Funniest Free Comedy Show Sheryl’s Club 175 (Slinger), Open Jam w/Milwaukee Mike and the Mob The Back Room at Colectivo, Jeff Austin Band The Bay Restaurant, CP & Stoll w/Chris Peppas & Jeff Stoll The Packing House Restaurant, Barbara Stephan & Peter Mac (6pm) Transfer Pizzeria Cafe, Martini Jazz Lounge: Manty Ellis Trio Turner Hall Ballroom, G. Love & Special Sauce w/Ron Artis II & The Truth Up & Under Pub, A No Vacancy Comedy Open Mic

FRIDAY, JANUARY 11 Alley Cat Lounge (Five O’Clock Steakhouse), Ali & Doug Duo American Legion Post #399 (Okauchee), Cowboy Up American Legion Post #449 (Brookfield), Larry Lynne Band (6:30pm) Angelo’s Piano Lounge, Julie’s Piano Karaoke Anodyne Coffee, Rev. Raven & The Chain Smokin’ Altar Boys w/Westside Andy Cactus Club, Brendan Kelly w/Sincere Engineer (solo) & Bobby Flowers Circle-A Cafe, Alive at Eight: The Obscured Birds (8pm); DJ: The Nile & Stephen (10pm) Club Garibaldi, Spiders From Milwaukee and David E. Kirby & his Memphis Cadillacs ComedySportz Milwaukee, ComedySportz Milwaukee! Company Brewing, Knaaves w/Thieves & Falter County Clare Irish Inn & Pub, Traditional Irish Ceilidh Session Exclusive Company (Farwell Avenue), Local Exclusives Session: Holy Pinto w/Rue The Poet Explorium Brewpub, Matt MF Tyner Iron Mike’s (Franklin), Open Jam Session w/Steve Nitros & Friends Jazz Estate, The Dave Stoler Trio (8pm), Late Night Session: Matthew Rotker-Lynn (11:30pm) Kochanski’s Concertina Beer Hall, Metal Show: Ceteri, Order To Chaos, and The DUI’s Lakefront Brewery, Brewhaus Polka Kings (5:30pm) Linneman’s Riverwest Inn, Freddy & the Blifftones Mamie’s, D.J. and The Blueserss Mason Street Grill, Phil Seed Trio (6pm) Miramar Theatre, Afton Presents: Afton Presents Tmac KDB Babby Keish, CWATT, Undead Papi, Ayinde Starling, Yago Xx, BallLikeMe23, Dollamann, Stretch Glo, Quan & Domo, BBN Carter, Miracle Baby & Leo Da Don, Speedy, Youngheartbreakkid, LT - Lil, Tez (all-ages, 7pm) New Berlin Hills Golf Course, Floor It! O’Donoghues Irish Pub (Elm Grove), Generation Gap w/Chris Peppas & Tom Anderson (6pm) Pabst Milwaukee Brewery & Taproom, The Grovelers w/Powerwagon & Certain Stars Paulie’s Pub and Eatery, Jude and The Dudes Potawatomi Hotel & Casino, In Bar 360: Xeno & Joe (9pm), In the Fire Pit: The UnXpected (9pm) Quarters Rock and Roll Palace, Cactus Club Presents: 8ulentina & Foozool (Club Chai) Rave / Eagles Club, Chris Janson (all-ages, 8pm) Shank Hall, Lil’ Ed and the Blues Imperials The Packing House Restaurant, The Barbara Stephan Group (6:30pm) Up & Under Pub, Fake News w/Auf Ki & The Sketchballs Uptowner, Coventry Jones / Scott Summers Dynamic Duo

SATURDAY, JANUARY 12 American Legion Post #449 (Brookfield), Boomer Nation Cactus Club, RISE of the GIFT album release show w/G-Gifted, Mykell X, Grey Genius, Spaidez, Cronies , and D.J. The Jenius & ADHD Cedarburg Cultural Center, Center Stage: WhiskeyBelles and WheelHouse ComedySportz Milwaukee, Laughing Liberally Milwaukee Company Brewing, Undercover Organism w/Lunar Ticks Cue Club of Wisconsin (Waukesha), Orange Whips Five O’Clock Steakhouse, Kirk Tatnall Hilton Milwaukee City Center, Vocals & Keys Jazz Estate, Mike Kubicki Trio (8pm), Late Night Session: Jeremy Kuzniar Trio (11:30pm) Kelly’s Bleachers (Big Bend), Stetsin & Lace

Kick Switch Bar And Grill (Okauchee), E.F.Struttin’ Kochanski’s Concertina Beer Hall, Milwaukee Mullers w/The Bryan O’Donnell Band (6pm) Linneman’s Riverwest Inn, Johnny Mayer Memorial and Jam Session (3pm), Dave Begel Solo World Tour Birthday Bash Mason Street Grill, Jonathan Wade Trio (6pm) Matty’s Bar & Grille (New Berlin), Winter Music: Alyssia Dominguez McAuliffe’s Pub (Racine), Three Left w/Slaughter Party, Imaginary & Fatal Havoc Mezcalero Restaurant, Scatttered Band Mo’s Irish Pub (Downtown), Craig Omick’s Third Coast Grooves Motor Bar & Restaurant, Bulleit Bourbon Presents BBQ & Blues (5pm) Old Settlers Inn (Union Grove), The Albert Rd. Band Pabst Theater, JCC Laugh It Up Milwaukee presents Seth Meyers Plymouth Church UCC, The Coffee House presents: Fox and Branch Potawatomi Hotel & Casino, In Bar 360: Matt & Karla as Subtle Undertones (9pm), In the Fire Pit: North Coast Orchestra (9pm) Riverside Theater, Trampled by Turtles w/Them Coulee Boys Route 20 Outhouse (Sturtevant), Rock For Relay 2019 w/Luma Knotty, Almighty Vinyl, Identity Crisis & The Kung Fu Grips (ages 18+, 5pm) Shank Hall, Animation (A Tribute to RUSH) w/In The Flesh (Pink Floyd tribute) The Back Room at Colectivo, Greg Laswell The Cheel (Thiensville), The Tritonics The Landing Food & Spirits, Joe Kadlec The Packing House Restaurant, Joe Jordan & The Soul Trio (6:30pm) Traditions Pub (Fredonia), Jude and The Dude Up & Under Pub, Video Dead

SUNDAY, JANUARY 13 Angelo’s Piano Lounge, Live Karaoke w/Julie Brandenburg Dugout 54, Dugout 54 Sunday Open Jam Rounding Third Bar and Grill, The Dangerously Strong Comedy Open Mic Saints Peter & Paul Catholic Church, Concerts on Cramer Presents St. Mark’s Brass and Emmy Rozanski, Trombone Scotty’s Bar & Pizza, Larry Lynne Solo (4pm) Sunset Grill Pewaukee, Full Band Open Jam w/host Tony & Co. (5pm) The Back Room at Colectivo, Gospel Brunch (12pm) The Back Room at Colectivo, William Fitzsimmons (7:30pm)

MONDAY, JANUARY 14 Jazz Estate, Mark Davis Jazz Trio Linneman’s Riverwest Inn, Poet’s Monday w/host Timothy Kloss & featured reader Peter Whalen (sign-up 7:30pm, 8-11pm) Mason Street Grill, Joel Burt Duo (5:30pm) Paulie’s Pub and Eatery, Open Jam: Christopher John & Friends w/featured band Up & Under Pub, Open Mic w/Marshall McGhee and the Wanderers

TUESDAY, JANUARY 15 Jazz Estate, Funk Night w/Mythic Mystics Kim’s Lakeside (Pewaukee), Robert Allen Jr. & Friends Mamie’s, Open Blues Jam w/Marvelous Mack Mason Street Grill, Jamie Breiwick Group (5:30pm) McAuliffe’s Pub (Racine), The Parkside Reunion Big Band Miramar Theatre, Tuesday Open Mic w/host Sandy Weisto (sign-up 7:30pm, all-ages) Potawatomi Hotel & Casino, In Bar 360: Al White (4pm) Riverwest Jazz Gallery Center for the Arts, Jazz Jam Session Transfer Pizzeria Cafe, Transfer House Band w/Jesse Montijo

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 16 Caroline’s Jazz Club, Jimi Schutte American Blues Conway’s Smokin’ Bar & Grill, Open Jam w/Big Wisconsin Johnson Hudson Business Lounge and Cafe, Jazz at Noon: Don Linke and Friends Iron Mike’s (Franklin), B Lee Nelson Acoustic Jam Jazz Estate, Evan Christian Kochanski’s Concertina Beer Hall, Polka Open Jam Linneman’s Riverwest Inn, Acoustic Open Stage w/feature Monica Murphy (sign-up 8:30pm, start 9pm) Mason Street Grill, Jamie Breiwick Group (5:30pm) Paulie’s Field Trip, Wednesday Night Afterparty w/Dave Wacker & guests Potawatomi Hotel & Casino, In Bar 360: Al White Saloon on Calhoun with Bacon, Open Jam w/Jude and The Dudes Sunset Grill Pewaukee, Robert Allen Jr. & Friends Tally’s Tap & Eatery (Waukesha), Tomm Lehnigk The Cheel (Thiensville), Kyle Feerick (6pm) The Packing House Restaurant, Carmen Nickerson & Kostia Efimov (6pm) SHEPHERD EXPRESS

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PUBLIC SALE Notice of Public Sale Pioneer Storage 122 N. Pt. Washington Road, Grafton, WI 53024 January 25th at 9:00 am. Bidding is on complete contents of unit. Owner - Asher Constance Contents: Fans, Boxes, Chairs, Dresser, Dolly, Crate MyStorageHome.com

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J A N UA RY 1 0 , 2 0 1 9 | 35

UH-UH

THEME CROSSWORD

By James Barrick

PSYCHO SUDOKU! “Kaidoku”

Each of the 26 letters of the alphabet is represented in this grid by a number between 1 and 26. Using letter frequency, word-pattern recognition, and the numbers as your guides, fill in the grid with well-known English words (HINT: since a Q is always followed by a U, try hunting down the Q first). Only lowercase, unhyphenated words are allowed in Kaidoku, so you won’t see anything like STOCKHOLM or LONG-LOST in here (but you might see AFGHAN, since it has an uncapitalized meaning, too). Now stop wasting my precious time and SOLVE! psychosudoku@gmail.com 13 4 26

5 13

76. Actor Bogarde et al. 77. Purring sound 78. Sea dog 79. Ornamental plants 81. In that 82. Mode in Indian music 83. Stray 84. Diamond event: 3 wds. 86. African antelope 88. Wow! 89. Lazy 90. Oat genus 92. Exhausted 93. Cited as an example 95. Beverages 97. Turophile’s passion 99. Likewise not 100. Sophia the actress 101. Disdain 102. Disputed region: 3 wds. 106. Earnest: Hyph. 111. Switch 112. — - — -vie 113. Pimpinella 114. Red giant 115. Wheal 116. Fervor 117. Clans 118. Dwelling in a nursery rhyme DOWN 1. Criticize 2. From — — Z 3. — sister 4. Butter knife 5. Willow tree 6. Engaged in swordplay 7. Cark 8. Kind of trumpet 9. Uproot 10. Race of Norse gods 11. False gods 12. Buds 13. Swellhead’s problem

14. Lab substances 15. Ordinary dress 16. “Simpsons” name 17. — and yang 18. Furthermore 24. Foreign 26. Inside info 29. — -da-fe 31. Parish official 32. Extra feature 33. Unrestricted: 3 wds. 34. Highlanders 35. Charlotte — 36. Only so-so: 3 wds. 37. Redacted 38. Expunge 41. Let loose 42. Mars or Pluto, e.g. 45. Humbles 47. Commonplace 48. Cable cars 52. At any time 54. Digressions 57. Fairly 58. One with great promise 60. Winged creature 62. Related to hearing organ 63. Most manageable 64. Fastened a certain way 66. Veranda

67. Dist. around 68. — y Gasset 69. Raised 70. Hidden store 71. Napery 72. Painter — Delacroix 73. Intelligence 75. Nagging one 76. Change purse items 80. Submarine 81. Grasslands 82. Quality of wine grapes 85. Wind 87. Addicts 89. Living symbol 91. Address 94. Not suitable 95. Place of residence 96. Dictate 98. Whetstones 100. Sing someone’s praises 101. Clip 102. Sydney’s state: Abbr. 103. Be beholden 104. — de mer 105. Roman god 107. A pronoun 108. Extreme degree 109. — Tome and Principe 110. Before

14 12

19 11

16 20

5 3

1 13

5 11

13 3

16 23

20 5

6 15

23 15

5 11

17 5

20 12

7 3

12 12

12/27 Solution

WORD FIND This is a theme puzzle with the subject stated below. Find the listed words in the grid. (They may run in any direction but always in a straight line. Some letters are used more than once.) Ring each word as you find it and when you have completed the puzzle, there will be 34 letters left over. They spell out the alternative theme of the puzzle.

Hobart Town Solution: 34 Letters

ACROSS 1. Exceed 5. Rubbed out 10. Scaly creature 15. Angelou or Plisetskaya 19. Surmounting 20. Near East inn 21. Maxim 22. — — arms 23. Simple things: Hyph. 25. Investment option: 3 wds. 27. The privileged 28. Buckets 30. Became 31. Island near Venezuela 34. Slanderous remarks 35. Complained 39. Lyric poem 40. Old gold coin 42. Hill 43. Sapphic — 44. Greek goddess 46. Courtroom plea: 2 wds. 49. Picaresque hero — Blas 50. Luxury brand 51. A Davis 53. Odisha, formerly 55. Itinerary: Abbr. 56. Abbr. in texting 57. Medieval shield 58. Box 59. Dulcet 61. Payment recipient 63. Chong or Hilfiger 64. Angry speech 65. Direct 66. Tibetan monks 67. Uniformed trainee 68. Follows an elliptical path 70. A tylopod 71. Fishing and hunting 74. Respond 75. More rational

3 6

21 15

Solution to last week’s puzzle

Art Bridgewater Cafe Cascade Charm Cider Cold Cottages Culture Cygnet

District Elegant Ferry Georgian Glenorchy Iconic Incat Kelly's Steps Kingston Lanes

MONA Orient Hotel Parks Port Sandy Bay Scenery Sullivans Cove Walks Yacht race

36 | J A N UA RY 1 0 , 2 0 1 9

12/27 Solution: Immigrants bring delicious cuisines SHEPHERD EXPRESS

Solution: From sleepy town to must see destination

Creators Syndicate 737 3rd Street • Hermosa Beach, CA 90254 310-337-7003 • info@creators.com

Date: 1/9/19

::FREEWILLASTROLOGY ::BY ROB BREZSNY CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): In 1984, singer-songwriter John Fogerty released a new album whose lead single was “The Old Man Down the Road.” It sold well. But trouble arose soon afterward when Fogerty’s former record company sued him in court, claiming he stole the idea for “The Old Man Down the Road” from “Run Through the Jungle.” That was a tune Fogerty himself had written and recorded in 1970 while playing with the band Creedence Clearwater Revival. The legal process took a while, but he was ultimately vindicated. No, the courts declared, he didn’t plagiarize himself, even though there were some similarities between the two songs. In this spirit, I authorize you to borrow from a good thing you did in the past as you create a new good thing in the future. There’ll be no hell to pay if you engage in a bit of self-plagiarism. AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Rudyard Kipling’s The Jungle Book is a collection of fables that take place in India. Three movies have been made based on it. All of them portray the giant talking snake named Kaa as an adversary to the hero Mowgli. But in Kipling’s original stories, Kaa is a benevolent ally and teacher. I bring this to your attention to provide context for a certain situation in your life. Is there an influence with a metaphorical resemblance to Kaa: misinterpreted by some people, but actually quite supportive and nourishing to you? If so, I suggest you intensify your appreciation for it. PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Virginia Woolf thought that her Piscean lover Vita Sackville-West was a decent writer, but a bit too fluid and effortless. Self-expression was so natural to Sackville-West that she didn’t work hard enough to hone her craft and discipline her flow. In a letter, Woolf wrote, “I think there are odder, deeper, more angular thoughts in your mind than you have yet let come out.” I invite you to meditate on the possibility that Woolf’s advice might be useful in 2019. Is there anything in your skill set that comes so easily that you haven’t fully ripened it? If so, develop it with more focused intention. ARIES (March 21-April 19): Computer-generated special effects used in the 1993 film Jurassic Park may seem modest to us now. But at the time they were revolutionary. Inspired by the new possibilities revealed, filmmakers like Stanley Kubrick, George Lucas, and Peter Jackson launched new projects they had previously thought to be beyond their ability to create. In 2019, I urge you to go in quest of your personal equivalent of Jurassic Park’s pioneering breakthroughs. According to my analysis of the astrological omens, you may be able to find help and resources that enable you to get more serious about seemingly unfeasible or impractical dreams. TAURUS (April 20-May 20): I’m a big proponent of authenticity. I almost always advise you to be yourself with bold candor and unapologetic panache. Speak the truth about your deepest values and clearest perceptions. Be an expert about what really moves you, and devote yourself passionately to your relationships with what really moves you. But there is one exception to this approach. Sometimes it’s wise to employ the “fake it until you make it” strategy: to pretend you are what you want to be with such conviction that you ultimately become what you want to be. I suspect now is one of those times for you. GEMINI (May 21-June 20): The students’ dining hall at Michigan State University serves gobs of mayonnaise. But in late 2016, a problem arose when 1,250 gallons of the stuff became rancid. Rather than simply throw it away, the school’s sustainability officer came up with a brilliant solution: load it into a machine called an anaerobic digester, which turns biodegradable waste into energy. Problem solved! The transformed rot provided electricity for parts of the campus. I recommend you regard this story as a metaphor for your own use. Is there anything in your life that has begun to decay or lose its usefulness? If so, can you convert it into a source of power? CANCER (June 21-July 22): If you grow vegetables, fruits and grains on an acre of land, you can feed 12 people. If you use that acre to raise meat-producing animals, you’ll feed at most four people. But to produce the meat, you’ll need at

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least four times more water and 20 times more electric power than you would if you grew the plants. I offer this as a useful metaphor for you to consider in the coming months. According to my analysis of the astrological omens, you should prioritize efficiency and value. What will provide you with the most bang for your bucks? What’s the wisest use of your resources? LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Modern kids don’t spend much time playing outside. They have fun in natural environments only half as often as their parents did while growing up. In fact, the average child spends less time in the open air than prison inmates. And today’s unjailed adults get even less exposure to the elements. But I hope you will avoid that fate in 2019. According to my astrological estimates, you need to allocate more than the usual amount of time to feeling the sun and wind and sky. Not just because it’s key to your physical health, but also because many of your best ideas and decisions are likely to emerge while you’re outdoors. VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): NASA landed its robotic explorer Opportunity on Mars in January of 2004. The craft’s mission, which was supposed to last for 92 days, began by taking photos and collecting soil samples. More than 14 years later, the hardy machine was still in operation, continuing to send data back to Earth. It far outlived its designed lifespan. I foresee you being able to generate a comparable marvel in 2019, Virgo: a stalwart resource or influence or situation that will have more staying power than you could imagine. What could it be? LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): In 1557, Welsh mathematician Robert Recorde invented the equals sign: =. Historical records don’t tell us when he was born, so we don’t know his astrological sign. But I’m guessing he was a Libra. Is there any tribe more skillful at finding correlations, establishing equivalencies and creating reciprocity? In all the zodiac, who is best at crafting righteous proportions and uniting apparent opposites? Who is the genius of balance? In the coming months, my friend, I suspect you will be even more adept at these fine arts than you usually are. SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): There’s a modest, one-story office building at 1209 N. Orange St. in Wilmington, Delaware. More than 285,000 businesses from all over the U.S. claim it as their address. Why? Because the state of Delaware has advantageous tax laws that enable those businesses to save massive amounts of money. Other buildings in Delaware house thousands of additional corporations. It’s all legal. No one gets in trouble for it. I bring this to your attention in the hope of inspiring you to hunt for comparable situations: ethical loopholes and workarounds that will provide you with extra benefits and advantages. SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): People in the Solomon Islands buy many goods and services with regular currency, but also use other symbols of worth to pay for important cultural events like staging weddings and settling disputes and expressing apologies. These alternate forms of currency include the teeth of flying foxes, which are the local species of bat. In that spirit, and in accordance with current astrological omens, I’d love to see you expand your sense of what constitutes your wealth. In addition to material possessions and funds in the bank, what else makes you valuable? In what other ways do you measure your potency, your vitality, your merit? It’s a favorable time to take inventory. Homework: I’ve gathered all of the long-term, bigpicture horoscopes I wrote for you: https://bit.ly/YourGloriousStory2019.

Go to realastrology.com to check out Rob Brezsny’s Expanded Weekly Audio Horoscopes and Daily Text Message Horoscopes. The audio horoscopes are also available by phone at 877873-4888 or 900-950-7700.

::NEWS OF THE WEIRD ::BY THE EDITORS OF ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION

Drone Patrol Saves Lives!

aisei Corp., a construction company based in Tokyo, announced in December 2017 that it would use autonomous drones to combat karoshi, or “overwork death,” reported The Independent. The drones hover over desks of employees who have stayed at work too long and blast “Auld Lang Syne,” a tune commonly used in Japanese shops getting ready to close. A company statement said: “It will encourage employees who are present at the drone patrol time to leave, not only to promote employee health but also to conduct internal security management.” Experts are skeptical: Scott North, professor of sociology at Osaka University, told the BBC that “to cut overtime hours, it is necessary to reduce workloads.”

Yellow Journalism Ikea took advertising in a whole new direction with its print ad for a crib. The ad, which appeared in the Swedish magazine Amelia, invited women who think they might be pregnant to urinate on the paper to reveal a discounted price. “Peeing on this ad may change your life,” the ad read at the top of the page. “If you are expecting, you will get a surprise right here in the ad!” Adweek reported that the agency behind the gimmick adapted pregnancy test technology to work on a magazine page.

Message Received Loud and Clear Linda Jean Fahn, 69, of Goodyear, Ariz., finally succumbed to a frustration many wives suffer. On Dec. 30, 2017, as her husband sat on the toilet, she barged in and “shot two bullets at the wall above his head to make him listen to me,” she told Goodyear police when they were called to the scene. Fahn said her husband “would have had to be 10 feet tall to be hit by the bullets,” ABC15 in Phoenix

reported, but officers estimated the bullets struck about seven inches over the man’s head—as he ducked. She was charged with aggravated assault.

I Love You, You Love Me What’s become of the beloved Barney the Dinosaur character of children’s TV fame? Well, the Daily Mail has the answer for you. David Joyner, 54, romped inside the big purple suit for 10 years on the 1990s “Barney & Friends” show on PBS, but now, he’s a tantric sex guru in Los Angeles who claims he can “unite a client’s body, mind and spirit through tantric massage and unprotected sex.” Joyner credits his tantric training with helping him endure the 120-degree temperatures inside the Barney suit.

Godspeed A woman led a Kentucky State Police trooper on a chase at speeds of up to 120 mph on Feb. 10, stopping only when another trooper managed to pull in front of her car and bring her to an eventual halt. According to the Elizabethtown News-Enterprise, Connie Lynn Allen, 52, of Goodlettsville, Tenn., told officers that she was “Mother Mary,” en route to pick up “Baby Jesus,” and that “God has given me permission to speed.” She also said that she had died six years ago. She was charged with several offenses and is being held in Hardin County.

Use Your Spidey Sense Alarmed neighbors in Perth, Australia, called police after hearing a child screaming and a man repeatedly shouting, “Why don’t you die?!” on Jan. 1, according to the Evening Standard. Multiple units of officers arrived at the property, weapons drawn, only to learn that the unnamed man, an arachnophobe, had been trying to kill a spider. His wife confirmed to police that their child had been screaming in fear of the eight-legged intruder. The spider didn’t survive.

Going Bananas Rogelio Tapia, 26, was arrested in Des Moines, Iowa, on Dec. 31 after a dispute at a QuikTrip around 3 a.m. The store clerk and witnesses told police Tapia chased the clerk around the store and assaulted him with a banana after the clerk tried to intervene in a domestic situation. According to KCCI, Tapia caused about $1,000 in damage; he was charged with assault and third-degree criminal mischief. © 2019 ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION J A N U A R Y 1 0 , 2 0 1 9 | 37

::ARTFORART’SSAKE

The Eyes Have It ::BY ART KUMBALEK

’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So yeah yeah, there was no regular Shepherd issue last week and if you enjoyed my absence, you’re in luck ’cause come next issue I’ll be on a week’s medical leave on account of having one cataract carved out of an eyeball—the other one due to be scraped out in February sometime I’m guessing, what the fock. And you bet I’m sure as heck looking forward to this schmutz-removal, so much that I’ve been on the inter-focking-net pricing tin cups and canes so that when my procedure somehow gets botched, I’ll have the necessary means to earn a living. So right now, I’m at the Shepherd office to pick up a couple, three items, whip out this essay and check the mail since I haven’t been here for a while. And lo and behold, I got a package from my wouldbe guardian angel El Jefe out of Maryland, the “Old Line State,” containing a fabulous tub of Old Crow, I kid you not. God bless the Jef’ because the Crow is the only thing I got for Christmas that I asked for. Once again this year, Santa, the fat fock, did not deliver to me the busload of Vegas showgirls I asked for. Nor did he deliver the personal butler I requested, the one who would keep me seasonally sartorially

correct, manage my daily schedule such as it is, and make me a nice egg sandwich now and then. So I really ought to cut this essay short and commence taste-testing the Old Crow to make sure it hasn’t gone bad. But before I do, I also got to tell you I noticed I received a letter postmarked sometime before Christmas. The writer asked me for advice, what the fock. He wrote: Hey Artie, the wife wants a new puppy for Christmas. I know they don’t sell them at your Best Buy or Old Navy. Any idea where I should go? The letter even contained a self-addressed stamped envelope for my reply. Well, Christmas has come and gone, hasn’t it. Had I been able to reply in a timely fashion, this is what I would’ve wrote: Yeah, I’ve got an idea where you should go. How ’bout Divorce Court? Full disclosure: My scariest thought is whether or not animals get to go to heaven. For christ sakes, that’s all a guy like me needs is to spend his entire focking life busting his butt, finally gets puking sick, croaks, walks through the Pearly Gates and the first thing that happens is he steps right smack-dab into one heaping, heaving pile of dog-doo. Praise the lord. And this is supposed to be for eternity ever-after? I’ll tell you’s, I want to be buried with a rolled-up newspaper so that when I’m shaking hands with St. Peter and some canine starts humping my leg, I can give it one good ol’ whack right across the goddamn snout. I pray they must go to the other place, ’cause spending a couple, three eternities in the company of household pets and assorted animals sure sounds like focking hell to me. Or at least that these creatures would have their own animal heaven where they could all go and sniff each other’s butts and leave mine alone. That I could live with ’cause when

it comes to other species—your animal and insect societies to name two—you can call me a “specieist,” but I firmly believe in a “separate, the hell with equal” kind of arrangement, you betcha. So, before I go, I really ought to close-up Art’s Ba-ding! Boutique now that the holidays are mercifully focking kaput. But I see I’ve got one item left, so take it if you can use it. It’s yours: A very spiritual and holy priest dies and is swept up to heaven. St. Peter greets him at the Pearly Gates, and says, “Hello Father, welcome to Heaven! You are very well known here, and as a special reward because you are such a devout man, we’re going to grant you anything you wish even before we enter the Kingdom. What can I grant you?”

And the priest says, “I am a great admirer of the Virgin Mother. I’ve always wanted to talk to her.” St. Pete nods his head to one side, and who should approach the priest but the Virgin Mary! The priest is overcome with joy and says, “Mother, I have always been a great admirer of yours and followed your life as best I could. I have studied everything I could about you—every painting and portrait ever made of you, and I’ve noticed without fail that you are portrayed bearing a wistful expression. Forever I’ve wondered what it was that made you seemingly so melancholy.” And Mother Mary says, “Honestly, I was really hoping for a girl.” Ba-ding! That’s it. See you next time, I hope, ’cause I’m Art Kumbalek and I told you so.

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“There is a

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