The Danger of Catering to Your

The Danger of Catering

TO YOUR AUDIENCE

BY PHILIP CHARD

"Icare too much about what other people think,” Gina confessed. “How does that show up in your behavior?” I asked.

“It pretty much runs my life,” she replied.

A 40-something businesswoman with a track record of success and popularity, she still felt like an imposter. In a very real sense, she was just that. “So much of who I am is shaped by my need to play to my audience,” she explained.

“And who exactly is your audience?” I inquired.

“Colleagues, friends, acquaintances, even some of my family,” she answered.

DEEPLY EMBEDDED MENTAL SCRIPT

Gina exhibited an overly developed sense of social awareness, which emerged as an intense sensitivity to the thoughts and feelings of others. This was challenging enough, but she also harbored a deeply imbedded mental script instructing her to be who others wanted her to be, rather than who she actually was. Not a good combination. “I find myself smiling when I would just as soon frown, or saying 'yes' when I’m thinking 'no', or sounding upbeat when I’m actually bummed,” she elaborated. “Whatever mood or demeanor I sense people want from me, I give them.”

Psychologically, it worked pretty much like this: Gina read her audience, formulated a mental construct of who she surmised they wanted her to be, and she then attempted to fulfill that role. So, her characterization of her work and social groups as an “audience” was spot on. Like an actor on stage, she played the part she assumed they came to see, hoping this would gain their approval.

“Do you ever just be yourself around others?” I asked.

“Just with one very close friend, and if she thinks I’m playing a part for her, she calls me on it,” she replied.

NEEDING PERMISSION

That was indicative of her problem. Gina needed someone else’s permission before she felt entitled to display her authentic self, and, even then, she was at risk of pandering to her audience. “I want to change this, but how do I start?” she asked.

“You start small with a few select folks. Conduct some low-risk experiments with being authentic, and then expand from there,” I offered.

“You make it sound easy,” she said.

“It’s not. But the hard part isn’t changing your behavior. You’re already good at that, given how you play different roles for various audiences anyway. No, the tough thing is finding the courage to be who you are regardless of what others might think,” I continued.

At its core, Gina’s conundrum was based on fear—of disappointing others, causing conflict, or being seen in an unfavorable light. Consequently, what she required was more than behavioral engineering or cognitive reframing. To master her fears, rather than allowing them to reign over her life, she needed to face them. We shrinks call this “exposure therapy.” Basically, it means intentionally recreating the situation that frightens you, enduring it, recalibrating your emotional and behavioral response, and coming out in one mental piece. When we conjure what might happen if we do what we fear (for Gina, being herself around others), the imagined consequences are usually far worse than the actual ones.

“You don’t lack the smarts or flexibility to make this change,” I told her. “This isn’t about the way to do it. It’s about the will to do it.”

Being inauthentic creates expectations in others. They expect us to continue displaying the masquerade they’ve grown accustomed to. After all, we have trained them to rely on the whole made-up countenance—pasted on smile, pleasant exchanges, feigned interest and the rest. When one removes the contrived social mask and frees the real person inside, it almost always causes concern and pushback from one’s social, collegial or family circle. Most folks don’t like change. It messes with their comfort zone.

The need to be accepted by others and the accompanying fear of social rejection are powerful forces shaping human behavior, meaning, at times, most of us cater to the expectations of one or more social audiences. But when we consistently stifle who we are in deference to others, we are saying that our real self is unworthy or unacceptable. Then, we violate the Shakespearean adage, “To thine own self be true.”

For more, visit philipchard.com.

Philip Chard is a psychotherapist and author with a focus on lasting behavior change, emotional healing and adaptation to health challenges.

Homophobia

IN HER HOOD

DEAR RUTHIE,

My husband and I live in a cul-de-sac in a Milwaukee suburb. Our neighbors get along well, and we have block parties in the summer, a round-robin at Christmas and a Super Bowl party. Last fall, a gay couple moved in and became a fun part of the neighborhood. Everyone welcomed them and looked forward to their company—or so I thought.

I was surprised they weren’t at the Super Bowl party. When I asked the hostess where “the guys” were, she said she didn’t invite them. She explained that since children were present, she didn’t invite the couple due to their “lifestyle,” as she put it.

I was speechless. “Think about it,” she added. “Just think about it.” She walked away, and I stood in her kitchen, shocked. My husband and I left her party early because I was pissed. I don’t want to ignore her blatant homophobia, but I don’t want to start a war either. Is it even my war to start? Any suggestions on what I should do? Our neighborhood block parties will start up again soon.

SCACZCXZC

HELP!

Social Justice Sue

DEAR SUE,

I’m pissed, too! I’m mad because of what this dame thinks about gay people, but I’m also mad that you and your neighbors held an indoor, multi-family party during the pandemic! That was in February, right? What were you all thinking? Maybe the gay guys were just too friggin’ smart to attend a potential super-spreader event.

All that aside, your neighbor lady sounds like a major itch in your ass, and there’s only one way to scratch it. Quietly, calmly and privately, let her know that you were surprised and disappointed with her reason to not invite the new neighbors. Give her a chance to explain. (You may have misunderstood her altogether or she may have changed her view since then.) If she still expresses a homophobic attitude, let her know that you will not attend neighborhood events in which the gay couple is not included. Then, have your own damn party with the guys. It’ll likely be more fun anyway!

XXOO

Ruthie

Ruthie's Social Calendar

APRIL 7

“BINGO GAME SHOW” AT HAMBURGER MARY’S (730 S. FIFTH ST.): Charity bingo is back at Hamburger Mary’s with this all-new night! Join me and Sylvia Nyxx every Wednesday at 7:30 p.m. for an evening of bawdy bingo and zany audience-participation games. That’s right! This new show gives you more chances to win than ever before! Arrive early and grab a burger and cocktail before the fun begins. See hamburgermarys.com/mke for reservations.

APRIL 11

DRAG BRUNCH AT CENTURY PUB & EATERY (5511 SIXTH AVE., KENOSHA): Mix up your brunch routine by driving south for a Sunday you won’t soon forget! This 12:30 p.m. event promises to put a spring in your step with performances by some of the state’s favorite performers.

APRIL 17

MADISON ODD MARKET AT CRUCIBLE (3116 COMMERCIAL AVE., MADISON): Featuring drag, burlesque and cosplay, Crucible was already a hip hot spot, but it’s about to get even more interesting with this change-of-pace market. Featuring a collection of “odd, curious and wonderful vendors from Illinois and Wisconsin,” the marketplace is open 11 a.m. to 5 p.m.

APRIL 24

NAME AND GENDER CHANGE (ONLINE) CLINIC: The team at Trans Law Help Wisconsin offers this free, informative, two-hour seminar. At 1 p.m., legal experts walk you through the process of obtaining name and gender marker changes. An interactive Q&A session follows the presentation. Participants can also meet (virtually) one-on-one with an attorney, but you must attend the entire presentation to meet with a lawyer, so RSVP at eventbrite.com/e/138101873421.

APRIL 25

“MATINÉE DRAG SHOW” AT THIS IS IT! (418 E. WELLS ST.): Want to attend a drag show but don’t feel like a late night? This Is It! has a show for you! This weekly 4 p.m. event brings on the queens early enough for you to hit the ground running come Monday morning. There’s no cover charge for the Sunday show, but you must be at least 21 to attend.

Have a question for Ruthie? Want to share an event with her? Contact Ruthie at dearruthie@shepex.com.