LIFESTYLE OUT OF MY MIND
The Danger of Catering TO YOUR AUDIENCE BY PHILIP CHARD
"I
care too much about what other people think,” Gina confessed.
“How does that show up in your behavior?” I asked. “It pretty much runs my life,” she replied. A 40-something businesswoman with a track record of success and popularity, she still felt like an imposter. In a very real sense, she was just that. “So much of who I am is shaped by my need to play to my audience,” she explained. “And who exactly is your audience?” I inquired. “Colleagues, friends, acquaintances, even some of my family,” she answered.
DEEPLY EMBEDDED MENTAL SCRIPT Gina exhibited an overly developed sense of social awareness, which emerged as an intense sensitivity to the thoughts and feelings of others. This was challenging enough, but she also harbored a deeply imbedded mental script instructing her to be who others wanted her to be, rather than who she actually was. Not a good combination.
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“I find myself smiling when I would just as soon frown, or saying 'yes' when I’m thinking 'no', or sounding upbeat when I’m actually bummed,” she elaborated. “Whatever mood or demeanor I sense people want from me, I give them.” Psychologically, it worked pretty much like this: Gina read her audience, formulated a mental construct of who she surmised they wanted her to be, and she then attempted to fulfill that role. So, her characterization of her work and social groups as an “audience” was spot on. Like an actor on stage, she played the part she assumed they came to see, hoping this would gain their approval. “Do you ever just be yourself around others?” I asked. “Just with one very close friend, and if she thinks I’m playing a part for her, she calls me on it,” she replied.
NEEDING PERMISSION That was indicative of her problem. Gina needed someone else’s permission before she felt entitled to display her authentic self, and, even then, she was at risk of pandering to her audience. “I want to change this, but how do I start?” she asked.
