From the City that Always Sweeps

BY ART KUMBALEK

I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So, how was my merry focking Christmas the other week closing out the year that best be not named? I’ll tell you. I thought I’d take it easy on Santa, and so I had but two items on my wish list. #1: A bevy of Vegas showgirls. #2: My own private compartment on all buses that run the No. 30 line (as I’ve said before, I find Tod Browning’s Freaks to be an interesting movie, but I’d rather watch it than have a cameo in it, I kid you not.) And wouldn’t you know, just like a Milwaukee Brewer at the plate with runners in scoring position, I came up empty. But hey, thanks for asking.

And now, it is January 2021, good lord, and so I ask you’s: Do I dare offer my traditional new year “Look Back/Watch Out Ahead” essay?

To wit, in early January 2020, I wrote: And now, without further ado, my “Look Back/Watch Out Ahead” essay, and remember that pithiness is the soul of brevity; so here it is for you to pith on:

The Year 2019: Sucked, but good.

Watch Out Ahead, 2020: Will suck even more. Hard to believe, ain’a?

No sir, retrospectively not hard to believe at all and so not possible to argue that kind of accuracy, what the fock.

Just so you know, I’ve been putting out these essays for more than 30 years and dag-focking-nabbit if I’ve ever been off the mark. For example, here from Dec. 30, 1993:

The Year 1993: Sucked.

Watch Out Ahead, 1994: Will suck.

And let’s go back to Dec. 30, 2004, when I opined: The Year 2004: Sucked.

Watch Out Ahead, 2005: Will suck even more.

And what about January 2017? Here:

The Year 2016: Sucked, but good.

Watch Out Ahead, 2017: Will suck even more. Can you believe it? And the only surefire thing I predict is that there will be a sucker born at least every minute.

As you can see, when it comes to flinging the soothsaying, who else deserves one of those Noble prizes but me? Hey, you tell me. And then, I’ll lay the new sooth thusly:

The Year 20**: Sucked the historical suck of all time.

Watch Out Ahead, 2021: Will suck, but the suckage to abate ’cause how the fock could it not?

There you go. Clean, economical and near-elegant, ain’a? And that’s all I’ve got to say about that, ’cause I’d like to break this off right here, right now, and do something nice for myself like crank up the thermostat and mix another hot focking toddy, you betcha.

Yeah, hate to disappoint you if you were in the market for a next-year’s prediction a tad rosier, but you got to remember that disappointment is a fact of life. Albert focking Einstein was disappointed that he never found a way to wrap up his Theory of Everything before he croaked. And I’m extremely disappointed that I’ll never get to meet Marilyn Monroe, not to mention my deep disappointment cum despair that my bonehead ancestors thought it was a better idea to settle here in the Upper Midwest instead of the temperate and libertine lifestyle climes of Ta-focking-hiti, what the fock. But that’s life, mister. Yes, you’ll be disappointed sometimes, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon, and maybe for the rest of your life. Your Auntie Mame may once have said, “Life is a banquet, and most poor suckers are starving to death,” but your Uncle Art says, “Life’s a crap casserole and all you can do is strap on the ol’ feedbag and say ‘bon appétit.’”

So happy focking New Year. But before I go, I’d like to mention that for Christmas, I received a nice little story from my buddy Little Jimmy Iodine, but I already had it so I thought I’d re-gift it to you ’cause what the fock. Here, try it on:

So, on Christmas morning, this cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on a shiny new Schwinn. Cop says to the kid, “That’s a very nice bicycle you’ve got there. Did Santa bring that for you?”

The kid replies, “You bet, officer.” And the cop says, “Well, next year, tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike.”

The cop decides to give the kid a lesson for Christmas and proceeds to issue a $20 bicycle-safety violation ticket. The kid takes the ticket, wishes the cop a merry Christmas but before he rides off says, “By the way, officer, that’s a nice horse you’ve got there. Did Santa bring that to you?” Upholding the spirit of the season, the cop says, “Yes son, he sure did.”

And the kid says, “Well, next year, tell Santa to put the focking asshole at the back-end of the horse instead of on top, would you?”

Ba-ding! So again, you’s have a happy new year—hey, at my age I still like to think anything’s possible, what the fock, ’cause I’m Art Kumbalek and I told you so.