A MILLENNIAL’S POV

WE’RE HAVING A THIRD BOY

By Kimberly Elliot

Kimberly Elliot is an associate with a Toronto-based marketing agency.

When my husband and I decided to have a third child, it was because we wanted a third child. Not, after two boys, because we wanted to “try” for a girl. This was the assumption many people made when they discovered we are having our third. “Going for the girl?!” or “hoping for a girl?” were common responses we got when we first announced our pregnancy. Now, after discovering that we are in fact having our third boy, people assume that I am somehow disappointed about this. “Oh, poor Mom!” is the most common response I receive today when I happily announce that we are expecting a third baby boy.

This really bothers me. To assume that my little Mommy heart could only be made whole by a daughter is ridiculous. To assume that only a

AND THAT’S OK

baby girl could bring a more unique experience in motherhood than the one I am already living with two boys is also ridiculous. To assume that this third baby boy is just a ”three-peat,” without any real uniqueness or individual joy to offer of his own that hasn’t already been experienced with his older brothers, is downright sad.

I get it; people don’t mean any harm in assuming we want a girl. Often these assumptions are made lightheartedly mostly because the conversation seems to naturally transition to the topic of gender the moment a new baby is mentioned. It is no less annoying, however. Especially when these conversations take place around my two older sons.

“Why did she say poor Mom?” my eldest asked me recently after a neighbour expressed sympathy

“Oh, poor Mom!” is the most common response I receive today when I happily announce that we are expecting a third baby boy.

rather than excitement for us upon learning baby boy No. 3 was on the way. I had no good explanation for him. I told him, “She’s just making a joke. She thinks I want the baby to be a girl simply because I am a girl. Isn’t that silly?” He laughed it off, luckily, and made a confused face – because essentially, this is a confusing notion. Don’t get me wrong. I know that daughters are every bit as wonderful as sons. Therein lies my point – whether it’s one, two or 10 of the same gender, a baby is a baby is a baby. And regardless of the baby’s gender, I am simply blessed and privileged to be able to say that I am having a third child. But it all makes me wonder – what is our obsession with gender?

People assume that in having our third child we would want a girl after two boys because of the expectations we as a society have developed for the two genders. They think that with three boys things will be “crazy” or “hectic.” They think that the house will have holes in the walls or that we’ll spend our life savings on rep hockey for all three and that our

fridge will be perpetually empty by the time the boys reach teenagehood. These are just a few anecdotes from conversations with a wide range of friends, neighbours and even strangers – all prompted by this little belly lump whose identity is slowly being shaped for him before he even arrives.

What can I do with a daughter that I can’t do with a son? Play princesses, tea party or dress up? Braid their hair or paint their nails? Take them shopping or for a mani/pedi when they’re older? Talk about boys and heartbreak? Be a best friend? Think about that. The only thing I think I’ll miss out on is giving an empathetic look during those first menstrual cycles.

The truth is, we are having a baby whose biological sex currently presents as male. That has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it? It would make for a great sign at a gender reveal party. Jokes aside, if that statement makes you roll your eyes at the notion, that’s a “you” problem. The gender binary is a damaging social construct. As evidenced by my conversations over the last eight months, it is a set of archaic stereotypes, expectations, characteristics and

Regardless of the baby’s gender, I am simply blessed and privileged to be able to say that I am having a third child. But it all makes me wonder – what is our obsession with gender?

standards we perceive to be fundamental to whom someone is and how they should act. These constructs give those around me moral licence to make assumptions about which sex I’d prefer for my baby or how my children might exist in the world.

The fact that I felt the need to know my baby’s gender in the first place is evidence that I have a long way to go on the subject myself. Deconstructing 30-odd years of social programming can’t be done overnight. But hopefully it can be done over the course of a generation and my three children will be better for it. I hope they will see things in a full spectrum of colour and not so black and white.