DEAR KACIE

DearKACIE

BROKEN PROMISES

I take care of my 80-year-old mother in my home. I promised her I would never put her in a nursing home or assisted living. But raising my own family plus working full time plus assisting her health needs is draining me. It was great at first. I like having her live here and letting her watch her grandchild grow. But now she can’t walk up stairs without help. She needs help bathing. I need to make sure she’s at doctor’s appointments and is taking her meds. I have to be on-call every minute of the day. It’s affecting my parenting, my marriage, and my work. I can’t imagine telling her she needs to go to a place that will help. What should I do?

I know my kids are sending me straight to the nursing home. I knew that fate when I watched my toddler bite into an onion like it was an apple while staring at me.

No one wants to go to assisted living. I don’t. You don’t. Your mom doesn’t. Everyone’s intentions of not going are voiced when they’re young.

But most people don’t understand the amount of caregiving needed for a senior. You’re starting to see the level of care needed. It’s a full-time job. It sounds like the promise you made is starting to haunt you. You don’t need to feel guilty. Placing your mom in a home can feel like a personal failure, but it’s not.

Start by looking at assisted living homes. You’ll feel better about your decision. They have made vast improvements over the years. There are some very nice ones in Kansas City. Explain to your mom exactly what you said here. Would you want to put your daughter in your position? Probably not. And I’m sure your mom will understand.

You can still visit your mom every day, do her laundry, shop for personal care items, and manage her finances. The biggest change will be the lifted burden of bathing, dressing, and toileting. You’re not dropping your mom off for good. She’s still your mom. Visit her and love her.

Maybe don’t bite into an onion and stare at her though.

If you have any questions you’d like Kacie to answer, submit them to contact@simplykcmag.com.

Did You Know?

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