PARENTING

HOW TO TACKLE TOUGH TOPICS WITH YOUR KIDS

WRITTEN BY TE CUNNINGHAM

Remember when your parents could restrict your access to the telephone and R-rated movies?

When I was a child, it seemed the toughest talks my parents had with me didn’t come until the tender age of 13 with the passing of my first close relative—my maternal grandmother. At 16, one of my closest friends committed suicide. It was hard to handle at that time, but in today’s age of round-the-clock news coverage and sensationalism, cell phones, and the nearly uncontrollable access today’s children have to the internet, tackling

the tough stuff is an entirely different ballgame for parents.

The bad stuff abounds: cancer, suicide, and other health issues that take loved ones much too soon. Racism, sexism, pornography, bullying, and violence of the worse kind—murder, rape, terrorism—are everyday words. So how do you help a child process these horrible realities?

Do Your Homework

First, if you are at a loss on how to approach a topic that must be broached, research it. What you should not do is avoid it. Your children need honest talk, and they need good role models. Teaching your children how to study issues, think critically, and be objective will produce young adults of good character equipped to deal with the realities of life.

Be proactive in your approach as well. If there is a suicide at your child’s school, don’t wait for them to show signs of struggling—talk to them about it immediately. In fact, use the opportunity to help them learn how they can spot warning signs among friends and classmates for all kinds of dangerous situations—from a potentially suicidal student or one on the verge of a mass shooting. Don’t be a victim of the “not in our town” or “not in our school” mentality.

Catherine Craig, a licensed specialist clinical social worker who has worked in both Kansas City and Topeka, has a concentrated focus in the field of attachment and trauma-informed care. “As parents, we must understand and accept that we have little control over these painful realities of life our kids face,” Craig explains.

She explains that as parents, our goal is to prepare our children to manage these moments. “We must allow them to experience life,” says Craig. “With our coaching, compassion, and limit-setting, we build their tolerance for discomfort, mistakes, things not going their way, conflict,

emotions, being vulnerable, communicating, and reaching out and asking for help. Part of successful parenting is helping your child build coping skills.”

To address the situation in the best possible way, first consider your child’s age. Children learn and process differently in the maturation process. Be compassionate, but be straightforward.

Early childhood

Young children are literal, so be careful not to use metaphors or complex sentences or thoughts when explaining situations. If your children are very young, you have the best chance to limit their exposure to these grim life happenings—so do so.

Tweens

During this phase of childhood, kids begin to develop abstract thinking skills and are better able to comprehend gruesome subjects. That said, there may be embarrassment or reticence on their part to initiate these conversations, so be proactive in covering necessary discussions.

Teens

This may be the most challenging age group to address, because teens are consuming media and information independently of you on a daily basis. They form their own opinions and often are more likely to follow the thoughts and ideas of friends, teachers, coaches, and others over your own.

Don’t let that deter you from rolling up your sleeves and addressing what needs to be discussed. Remember to keep it a discussion and ask a lot of questions. Most importantly, don’t dictate or lecture!

Do remember each child is different, as is each parent. Consider both your child’s and your temperament and emotions when forming a plan on how to orchestrate these discussions.

Quick tips for engaging in tough topics

• Protect your child from what you can regarding exposure to news, internet, etc. • Make sure conversations occur in a safe space with plenty of time for discussion. • Let your child know you want them to be honest, ask questions, and tell you how they are feeling. • Break down issues. (For young children, remember to use the simplest terms.) • Remember, these opportunities instill, develop, and reinforce good moral character in your child. • Be sensitive to emotions and temperament, which may run wild in these moments. • Encourage your child to research and be objective in these matters. If you don’t know the answer to a question, admit it and research it together. • Discuss with your child what they would do in a complicated situation and what solutions are at their disposal.

Craig’s final advice? “Don’t forget—you and your emotional connection with your child are the biggest protective factor when it comes to the stressors and difficulties of life. Each day, you should find a way to connect.”

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