PARENTING

THE STRUGGLE

TEACHING YOUR CHILDREN SELF-CONTROL

WRITTEN BY T.E. CUNNINGHAM

As adults, we have faced the challenge of self-control many times—at work, with a friend, in romantic relationships, and with family. The struggle is “real,” as they say. So how do we teach our children self-control when we may not have it mastered?

A child’s struggles with self-control may seem less serious—don’t have two pieces of cake, don’t play your Xbox all night, don’t flip out on a friend who bought the same outfit as you. However, it’s still the same skill set practiced at this age that will carry them through life. As such, it’s never too early to work with your child.

According to Scientist Magazine, a 40-year study of 1,000 children revealed that childhood self-control strongly predicts adult success—in people of high or low intelligence, in rich or poor. Having a good grasp on self-control can not only help kids stay healthy, both mentally and physically, but it can also help them maintain better friendships, be closer to family members, and relate better to teachers and other community members.

The first step in mentoring your child is to talk about self-control and why it is essential. At a young age, examples of self-control in action may help cement understanding. For instance, you could tell your child a story about something a coworker did at work that upset you. Talk about the fact that you did not: • Speak negatively about the coworker to anyone else • Speak to your manager about the issue • Lash out at the coworker Instead, you: • Cooled down until you were no longer upset • Asked the coworker respectfully to have a private conversation when it was convenient • With carefully chosen words, let them know what was upsetting you and tried to find a resolution that would make both of

you feel good and work together positively in the future Another option would be to specifically ask your child about a few things that recently upset them or made them angry. Then talk about how they dealt with them, some options to calm themself, and how to maintain better self-control in future situations.

Once you think your child understands the concept, talk about the warning signs your child can recognize to know they are starting to lose self-control. A child may not realize they are hitting an “extreme” emotional level, whether anger, excitement, or fear. All of those emotions can lead to a loss of self-control. To calm themselves, children must be able to realize they are losing control. When they can recognize this, they are able to use methods to calm down.

Teach your child there are options to maintain control even in the toughest of situations. This is more meaningful if you can relate it to your child’s experiences and behaviors. You might teach them a mantra to say repeatedly as they feel a situation escalating, or perhaps a physical exercise as simple as a stretch and deep breath to break the tension. The key is looking at your child’s triggers and helping find solutions customized to them.

It would be challenging to mentor your child on self-control without explaining that overreactions can have serious consequences. Some easy examples are:

• You become so frustrated over your homework that you throw it down and play video games instead. The consequence: you fail the test.

• Your friend won a part you wanted in the school play, and you were so upset you yelled at him and said things you didn’t mean. The consequence: you may have done irreparable damage to a friendship you cared about. You want to encourage your children to continually practice self-control. Be supportive when they are upset or get into difficult situations, but show them ways to make better choices.

Finally, practice what you preach. Do not yell and give in to a fit when your child loses self-control, whether full-on tantrums or sullen tears. Instead, calmly explain why the behavior is unacceptable and show them a better way to handle their feelings. After saying no, the parent who lets the child get the new toy at the store is teaching their child that losing self-control gets you what you want, a poor life lesson for sure.

If you are worried about your child’s self-control issues, the school is an excellent place to look for initial guidance and help, both through teachers and guidance counselors. If the situation continues, you can also seek assistance through your child’s pediatrician and family counseling.

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