PARENTING

BEING A PARENT TO OUR KIDS

OR BEING THEIR FRIEND— CAN WE BE BOTH?

WRITTEN BY REBECCA FISCHER

On the long list of things that the pandemic has complicated over the past year, parenting has to be at or near the top. The coronavirus has introduced a whole new set of worries regarding one of the toughest jobs out there: being a parent.

According to a national poll from December*, parents’ top concerns about the effects of the pandemic on their children are:

1. How much time children are spending on screens and social media 2. If their child is being bullied or cyberbullied 3. If their child could be in danger while online.

Other concerns include increases in unhealthy eating habits and a lack of physical activity, as well as worries over racism, depression, and the risk of suicide.

Will being buddies help?

The survey supports what we already know: parents are feeling more overwhelmed than ever when it comes to their kids. Kids are feeling the strain too, even the small percentage who seem to prefer school at home.

For so-called “helicopter parents” (or those who tend to hover over their children and over-parent, such as by completing tasks for them, or at least very closely supervising), the pandemic has been particularly challenging. Parents who are over-involved in their children’s lives tend to be perfectionistic, shows a new study in the journal Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice. They’re applying the same skills that helped them succeed in school and work to their role as a parent.

But this doesn’t usually lead to success in parenting. It’s well documented that children who are over-parented are more likely to suffer from psychological distress, narcissism, poor adjustment, alcohol and drug use, and other behavioral problems.

Anxious adults might also over-parent because they tend to parent with

risk-aversion in mind—they ruminate on the bad things that could happen and focus on avoiding them. It’s easy to see how the stress we’ve all faced over the past year could trigger the response to over-parent.

But trying to be friends with your child isn’t the best response either. While great in theory (what kid doesn’t want more friends in their life?), it can backfire in practice.

Parents who aim to be buddies with their kids by being permissive often find it hard to enforce rules and standards. Some might share too much with their children as well, which can add to kids’ own stress.

In fact, sharing “intimate confessions” with our children often misses the mark. In a recent study of adolescent girls, more detailed disclosures from moms were not linked to greater feelings of closeness in their daughters.

Meeting in the Middle

The solution lies in being a parent first and a friend second. Or it could come down to redefining what a friend is, according to the author of “Should Parents Be Friends with Their Kids?” in Parenting Science Magazine. “Parents can build close, personal relationships with their kids and still remain responsible adults. Not every friendship is based on sharing equal status,” says author Gwen Dewar, PhD.

Dewar goes on to say that a parent can choose to enforce limits and avoid stressing out his kids with his own worries, while also sharing qualities of friendship with his children, like mutual loyalty, trust, and respect.

Dads and moms might go about this by: • Talking to their kids about their kids’ own thoughts, hopes, ideas, and feelings • Treating their kids as individuals with minds of their own

• Sharing parts of their own “mental life” that help their kids see them as human beings, without stressing them out (“I’m disappointed that we couldn’t go to the beach this year too, but it’s im-

portant that we do everything we can to keep ourselves and others healthy right now”). This is consistent with studies on parenting styles and techniques such as “mind-minded parenting,” secure attachments, inductive disciplining, and authoritative parenting. Dewar compares this kind of friendship to the friendship an employee might have with a good boss. There is mutual respect, they care about each other and trust each other, they enjoy each other’s company, but there are times when the boss has to enforce rules, as well as keep some feelings and information to herself.

“Is it worth it? I suppose it depends on your personal characteristics and cultural beliefs,” Dewar says. “But studies on Western kids are generally supportive of the rational, friendly, authoritative approach to parenting.”

* Source: CNN, “Here are parents’ top 10 concerns during the pandemic,” Dec. 22, 2020.

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