BECAUSE I SAID SO

THE BURTON TEA PARTY

(I HATE TEA)

WRITTEN BY JULIE BURTON / PHOTO BY JAMI BOWMAN

The USA is the land of liberty and freedom. It’s the home of the brave. The United States is the only country to walk on the moon. The United States invented airplanes, computers, cellphones, potato chips, and the lightbulb. It’s also home to the fine, young patriots throwing tea into Boston Harbor because they didn’t like the British taxes on tea. And home to me and the kind H&R Block accountant’s computer displaying the fact that I owe $10,000 in federal taxes.

Where’s the tea?! Someone give me some damn tea!

A large chunk of those taxes is due to not claiming my two children as dependents. And not adjusting my withholdings to reflect that I wasn’t claiming them.

If you’re not familiar with how the government feels about dissolving a marriage, let me tell you. They’re like my family: it’s frowned upon no matter how necessary it is for you as a couple. The government believes only one parent can claim dependents each year. I took the kids in 2020. My ex-husband took the kids in 2021.

Whether you’re married, single, divorced, or widowed and you have a child, your child is always your dependent. Kids depend on their parents. Every parent should be able to claim their kids as dependents.

Here are reasons I should claim my money-sucking teenage dependents at the same time as my ex-husband.

• Crumbl Cookies marketed themselves through TikTok and now my kids are begging, whining, and crying for $4 cookies made out of sugar, flour, and eggs.

• The state of Kansas makes it difficult for 15-year-olds to find a job at a place such as Crumbl Cookies. For some reason, 16 is the magic “get a job so we can tax you” age.

• The amount of hair in my shower allows me to fund the nice corporation that makes Drano.

• Yes my kids are teenagers, but they’re still growing children. They grow out of clothes, shoes, underwear, my bras! Uncle Sam, you’re a man. You have no idea what it’s like to have your daughters steal your good bras while you’re in a meeting wearing a uni-boob sports bra. Funding their closet costs money.

• As I write this, my kids are currently living it up in the Bahamas with their dad (he probably got tax money back and can afford such luxury because he claimed the kids). I am still forking out money to their school lunch account and softball dues.

• Speaking of school lunch, my kids need to eat because they’re still growing children. Do you know the amount of Takis (don’t ask) and PopTarts I have sitting in my pantry? And

Ramen noodles. That’s a newer grocery item because I’m ten grand in the hole.

• My kids do not live with me 365 days out of the year. And one could argue that’s the reason only one parent can claim them.

On days I don’t have them, it takes a toll on my mental health as I watch TV—crying because I miss my kids, drinking cheap boxed wine and eating popcorn for dinner.

• My kids are my money-sucking world. I ran out of a work meeting to meet my ex at the hospital to be with my daughter who fainted and hit her head on the counter. She’s fine. Thank you for asking. My point is—you already know how the rest of us feel about medical bills.

Julie Burton is an Overland Park mom, writer, K-State lover, and bacon-hater. She is a blogger and contributing author to the humor book, But Did You Die?: Setting the Parenting Bar Low. Burton’s also been named one of the Today Show’s “funniest parents.” And yes, she really does hate bacon. Please don’t drop

her as a friend. Follow Julie at: julieburton.blog • facebook.com/julieburtonwriter • twitter.com/ksujulie • instagram.com/ksujulie