PARENTING

GUIDING YOUR CHILD

THROUGH DIVORCE

WRITTEN BY T.E. CUNNINGHAM

You and your spouse have been up, down, and all around trying to “work it out.” After years of trying to find a way, you have agreed to instead go your separate ways. Often, the biggest challenge divorcing parents face is parenting their children through and after splitting up. “This is a difficult time. You’re trying to juggle your children’s needs while at the same time recognizing your emotions and the general stress you are under. Be compassionate with yourself. Reach out to people who have been through this and remind yourself how this will improve. Know that your kids will be okay,” advises Catherine Craig, licensed specialist clinical social worker. The first challenge is how to tell your children you are dissolving your marriage while assuring them that things will be okay. Divorce is highly stressful and emotional. The first step to take as you prepare to inform your children that “mommy and daddy” aren’t going to live together anymore is to approach the matter with empathy for your children and stay calm. Put your children first, and put your pain, anger, frustration, and sadness aside. The approach you take depends on the age of your children, but the guidelines includes several commonalities, regardless of age. Here are some simple things to remember, though the implementation will be challenging. • Do not make your spouse the villain, and talk to your children together with a calm united front. • Tell the truth, but do not go into details. Your problems as a couple are just that—your problems. A simple “we have grown apart” or “we want different things” is appropriate. Keep a united front. • Assure your children that you both love them, that they are and will remain the top priority for both of you, and that they will have access and time with both parents. • If your split is relatively amicable,

it might also comfort your child to say you and your spouse will always have a love for each other. This can reassure your children at a terrifying moment in their lives. • If the split is acrimonious, do your best to shelter them from any anger or resentment, and under no circumstance cast blame on the other. • If infidelity, money problems, or alcohol and drug abuse are involved, remember this is not something they need to be exposed to at this critical moment (and maybe never). Children are different and may have a variety of reactions, including shock, silence, tears, anger, and even feigned indifference. You can count on them to have many questions, so be ready to listen intently and calmly discuss the answers. One of the first questions your children will likely ask is about living arrangements. Make sure you have spoken to your spouse and formed a plan. It will calm them to know there is a plan in place, and the two of you are in agreement. Remain empathetic, caring, and patient. If they see you and your spouse handling the situation calmly, it will calm them. As the divorce proceedings unfold, tempers may flair. Shield your children from these moments. They need reassurance, peace, and love from both of you. Here are a few things they do not need: • You to withdraw from them. No matter how painful the circumstances, you must have your children feel your presence and love daily. • To be used as a go-between. Do not make your children carry messages back and forth between you and your soon-to-be-ex. • To hear or see negative, inflammatory emotions, words, and actions. If you can’t be positive about their other parent, say as little as possible. • Disruption in their routines and lives.

Even if you share time, ensure that

the kids have a consistent parenting schedule. Another critical thing to remember is you should model the behavior you wish for your children if they ever find themselves in your situation. Children learn from their parents. Show them what a caring, adult relationship can be even when it’s heading down a new path. Craig maintains, “Your kids will likely face these uncertainties with fear at times. In those moments, remind them they are safe and loved and show them they are seen and heard by listening and being curious about their thoughts and feelings without trying to fix it or make them better. Give them the message that the family can make it through difficult times, and so can they.” Your goodwill and a stable parent relationship will help them through this traumatic time. When handled with care, your children will make it through this period feeling loved and protected.

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