PARENTING

ARE YOU BUILDING

YOUR CHILD’S SELF-ESTEEM?

WRITTEN BY T.E. CUNNINGHAM

You notice that your daughter seems to be struggling to make friends and says negative things about herself frequently. Your son is continually in trouble at school for acting out. What is going on? It may be that your children are struggling with their self-esteem.

Spending time alone can be healthy, but if your children are almost always flying solo that’s a problem because self-esteem affects your child’s dayto-day success in school and social situations. We know that it also plays a decisive role in our professional success later in adult life.

To have self-esteem is to value your worth and abilities and to respect yourself. It is about accepting yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally. What many may not realize is how early in our lives self-esteem is developed—or not. Indicators of children with healthy or good self-esteem can include a happy child—they make friends relatively quickly and enjoy socializing. These kids usually enjoy creating and thinking; they are enthusiastic about learning and trying new things. Conversely, children who suffer from low self-esteem tend to be more isolated with fewer or no friends—they get frustrated and discouraged. In fact, bad behavior, breaking the rules, and a lot of “I can’t do it” are typical with these children. “Children with low self-esteem exhibit low confidence in school. They become frustrated that they are unable to complete tasks during the school day,” notes North Kansas City schools educator Denise Cunningham. “They begin to believe that everything is too difficult for them. During recess, they may not feel included with their peers and isolate themselves during playtime. Children with low self-esteem internalize their feelings and demonstrate frustration and discouragement by withdrawing themselves academically and socially.” You want to raise your children to feel confident to “be themselves” and form positive values, make good and healthy choices, and be able to stand up to negative peer pressure. You also want them to learn to be a good friend and value those relationships. Positive self-esteem helps children. Children with high self-esteem will deal better with the stressors that life throws at them.

How does your child develop self-esteem?

The simple answer is a child’s self-esteem starts at birth and grows stron-

ger or falters along the path of life. As a parent, you play a pivotal role in this development by making your children feel loved, valued, and respected. You model good behavior. In doing this, you can teach them that trying new things is fun and essential. You praise them when they do well, and you encourage them when they need to strive a bit more.

Oddly enough, setting rules and discipline also tells your child you care, especially as they grow into their preteen and teenage years. Over time, their self-esteem will help them make good choices on their own. Ultimately, you let them know that you are proud of them and treasure them.

What to focus on

• Play, read, and learn with your children. Show interest in their opinions on things and their creativity

• Sometimes let your children be the guides in your conversations and in activities. • Set boundaries, rules, chores, guidelines—structure is vitally important.

• Help your children find hobbies and passions and then let them chase their dreams.

• Support your children—always.

• Show them that mistakes are part of life, but learning from those mistakes is the key to being happy and productive. Teach them to be problem solvers.

• Love, love, and more love. Show your child you care consistently and unconditionally. This includes physical affection like hugs, as well as regularly saying you love them.

It also includes praise for positive behaviors and successes. But be authentic—kids can tell when you are not!

• Model the behavior you want from your child. Don’t fight, argue, or engage in physical altercations with a spouse or other family member. Remember, little ears hear those cell phone calls and see the occasional texts. Protect them from the unsavory.

“Sometimes our children will talk to us about how they are feeling, and sometimes they will hide their feelings from us. It is important to understand and recognize children’s signs of low self-esteem,” says Cunningham. “When your child is demonstrating these signs, provide them with someone to talk with,” she advises. “Collaborate with your child’s classroom teacher(s) and guidance counselors to provide you insight into your child’s self-esteem. Your children’s school wants every child to be successful.”

“It takes us all, whether we are parents, teachers, schools, guidance counselors, coaches or friends of the family, to raise today’s children,” Cunningham adds.

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