BECAUSE I SAID SO

A MELTED SILVER LINING

WRITTEN BY JULIE BURTON / PHOTO BY JAMI BOWMAN

Optimists will always see the silver lining.

A couple divorces after 10 years together. But they got two awesome kids out of the marriage. A grandmother dies. But her funeral brings out-of-town family together again. A worldwide pandemic shuts the world down. But it also opens the ever-convenient fast food delivered to your door. Even Taco Bell? Even Taco Bell. We’ll get to Taco Bell later.

You see, you can get fast food ice cream delivered to your door. The delivery driver must be quick, but it can be done.

8:45 PM

My daughters asked for ice cream. I told them I was done driving for the day, but I too wanted ice cream, so I placed an order for three soft-serve ice cream cups mixed with cookie dough. I paid double for the convenience. I instructed the delivery driver to please text when they arrived. Estimated time of delivery: 9:15 PM.

9:10 PM

“We apologize for the inconvenience, but your delivery has been cancelled due to the store cancelling orders for the night. We will refund your purchase.”

9:15 PM

I placed a new order for two cherry slushies and one blue raspberry slushie from another fast food restaurant and from another food delivery app. The silver lining here is that there is not a monopoly on food delivery apps.

No! Abort! Cancel! Oh dear. The last house I had food delivered to was my boyfriend’s house. I ordered Taco Bell on a Sunday due to poor life decisions and a hangover. (It was delicious, by the way.) I couldn’t re-route the address to my own address. I looked at the time.

9:20 PM

It is not terribly late but it is to my boyfriend. He’s one of those rare birds who wakes up at some god-awful time before the sun is up. Every day. He never sleeps in. His body won’t allow it. I didn’t even know these people existed. I made the phone call. I explained he would be getting three slushies delivered to his front doorstep. First, I had to explain why I was calling so late, second I had to admit to my slight overspending habits for something that would probably be a pool of melted sugar water, and third explain why they were being dropped off at his house at approximately 10:05 p.m. For some reason he thought my explanations were amusing.

9:50 PM

My daughter and I got in the car and drove to my boyfriend’s house. His kids were in bed. He was awake and holding a sign he wrote, “Please leave slushies on front porch. Do not ring doorbell.” I said we would wait outside. The estimated arrival time moved to 10:10 p.m. He said we didn’t have to. We could wait inside. Estimated delivery time: 10:20 p.m. “Your driver is at the restaurant

10:05 PM

Estimated time of arrival 10:40 p.m. “Your driver is at the restaurant waiting on your order.” I looked to see which restaurant she was at. Missouri?! I decided to cancel the order. “By canceling the order, you will not receive a refund. Estimated time of arrival 10:50 p.m.” I canceled the order. We never got our ice cream, my boyfriend saw my true colors, my kids were angry they couldn’t have ice cream, and nearly two hours of my life was spent waiting on melted ice cream.

The silver lining? They never charged me.

Julie Burton is an Overland Park mom, writer, K-State lover, and bacon-hater. She is a blogger and contributing author to the humor book, But Did You Die?: Setting the Parenting Bar Low. Burton’s also been named one of the Today Show’s “funniest parents.” And yes, she really does hate bacon. Please don’t drop her as a friend.

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