6 minute read
SOUL TIES
Troia Butcher
The death of a loved one is never easy to go through. It is possibly the greatest loss that many people will face in their lifetime. Those we love to have become an integral part of our daily lives and our existence. When they have passed away, we often feel lost or confused. Moving through life without the ability to communicate or interact with them can be devastating. How we manage to cope with death varies from individual to individual. My relationship with death is slightly different than others, because of my upbringing in the church. I am the daughter of a pastor, and we were raised to place the needs of others above our own, especially when it pertained to the death of someone’s loved one. When I became an ordained minister, one of my responsibilities was to help bereaved family members cope with the death of their loved ones. We attempted to be a source of comfort and strength during their time of loss. We learned to separate ourselves emotionally from the relationship we may have had with the deceased to support the family. I did not take lightly my responsibility as a minister during these times and being a shoulder for those in need is an integral part of my ministry. Because I learned to separate my emotions from serving, I did not fully grasp the emotional toll that death could have, until I experienced several significant deaths of my own. It was then that I understood how devastating death could be. Even though my ministerial training prepared me to minister to others, when my best friend passed away, I was at a loss. I could not completely wrap my mind around the fact that he was gone. It was then that I understood that death was hard not because we live without hope, but because we are forced to live without the relationship. It is that loss of the relationship that is devastating. How do we move forward without them here? Death has stolen not only the person’s physical body, but it has taken our bond with them to the grave.
Advertisement
When I began writing my book, I did so because my best friend Peter passed away unexpectedly. I began writing to help me cope with his death. I needed to find a way to live my new normal without his presence. As I was writing I realized that there were other deaths, such as my relatives, my mentor,
people who have influenced my life near and far, even my beloved pet who I needed to be addressed. I thought I accepted their deaths, but the harsh truth is I only pushed down the pain of their death to help others cope. I now understand that to fully accept the death of Peter, I must finally allow myself to heal from the deaths of the others and the loss of the relationship.
The Apostle Paul asks the question in Romans 8, “Who shall separate us from the love of Christ?” In other words, what can sever the connection that we have with Christ? The answer is found in Romans 8:38-39: “For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of Christ.” God’s love is eternal and our love for those who have passed away remains. Death did not destroy the relationship it simply changed the way we relate to the person.
During the writing process of SoulTies, the story of David and Jonathan entered my mind. First Samuel 18:1 describes their bond as, “souls being knitted together in love.” David and Jonathan were divinely connected. I believe that God allows these types of connections today. As I tried to heal from the passing of Peter, I realized that our souls were knitted together in love. The friendship that I shared with Peter, was a unique one, it was not romantic, but a relationship that was built on mutual respect and love. I came to rely on his friendship in the same manner that I relied on my relationship with my grandmother. My life has been richly blessed by the people that God has allowed to touch my life. It is this connection not only with them but with God that gives me the strength to begin the healing process. I will forever miss my friend, my grandmother, my mentor, and the others who have passed away; however, I can live knowing that they will be forever in my heart, my mind, and my soul.
Grieving is not an easy transition to go through. However, you can make it through the pain, and you are not alone in the process. As I moved through my grief, I felt it was important to encourage someone who may have experienced a significant loss in their life. Especially if they are stuck and unsure how to move forward. Here are the steps that I am used to moving forward in this next chapter in my life:
1. Acknowledge your pain.
• Losing my best friend so suddenly was devastating to me. I was unsure of everything at that moment, including my faith. My heart was shattered, and I realized that for me to move forward with my life, I had to recognize that I was hurt-
ing. I have learned that a covered wound doesn’t heal properly; it needs sunshine and fresh air. Allowing God to breathe on the broken pieces of your heart, will help you heal.
2. Recognize that grief is a process, and no two people grieve the same
• · There is a misnomer in the world, that all grief is the same. We are to get over it within the allotted time off work one is given. Where that may hold true for some, others are devastated by death.
In my case, I was more accepting of my grandmother’s passing earlier in the year; however, when Peter passed, I did not cope well with his death. I recently spoke with someone who told me that their loved one passed many years ago and they are still in the process of grieving.
It is important that when you encounter someone who appears to have difficulty moving through the process, you let them know that they are not alone.
3. Seek help if you need it.
• Unchecked Grief can turn into depression. If you feel like you are stuck in a perpetual place of sorrow, it is time to seek out professional help. Seeing a therapist may be the only way to help you navigate through the grief.
4. Get up every day.
• This is simple but hard to do; however, you must get out of bed every day. Try to find something to motivate you to get up every day. You will find that things will begin to get better.
5. Find an outlet that will honor the one you lost.
• Writing was the tool that I used to cope with the many deaths that I experienced in a short timeframe. However, writing may not be for you. Maybe yours is painting, gardening, or drawing. Find the one thing that will help you live your best life and honor those who have passed away.
6. Trust God in the process
• I am a person of faith and faith is the only reason why I can move forward. I must trust that God’s plan for my life is bigger than I could imagine. Jeremiah 29:11 (MSG) states, “I know what I am doing,” says the Lord.
