Tiger Times Satire Issue

Satiger Times VOLUME 1 | ISSUE 1 | APRIL 2019 | TTONL.ORG

THIS

SCHOOL NEWS

School week with no summative assessments stuns students Teachers stunned after AP Calculus students ace test

GLOBAL NEWS

Yeoptteok spurs reunification of Korea Global crime rate drops drastically during #don’t_break_the_law challenge

HSSC PRESIDENT JUNIE KAH IMPEACHED AMIDST SCANDAL PAGE 3

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atire is universal; from ancient Egyptian glyphs to The Colbert Report, the medium has demonstrated that holding society’s vices up to ridicule is a practice intrinsic to the human experience. It has been a tool in history’s most significant milestones, like the cartoons that lampooned King George throughout the Revolutionary War. In today’s world of boundless connectivity, satire continues to play an important role in how we respond to our fickle surroundings.

Some may mistake satire as

a form of toxic cynicism. After all, the medium can evoke the image of Diogenes of Sinope, the Greek cynic who lived out his days as a beggar complaining about the flaws of society and never really provided any solutions. But the point of good satire isn’t aimless mockery, but galvanizing debate and conversation about relevant issues and topics––or at the very least, to have a good laugh about a bad situation.

As we worked on this issue, we aimed to bring these qualities of perspective and humor to the unique community

here at SIS using our platform.

We invite you to read along as we attempt to break down and parody the issues that we are faced with everyday, not just as students, but as members of the international population. Before you dive in, keep this quote in mind:`

IS MACKLIN WEARS BACKPACK TO CAFETERIA PAGE 3

“If this is the best of possible worlds, what then are the others?”

Voltaire, Candide

SIS NOW OPEN AS QUAINT, COZY AIRBNB PAGE 4

S AT I R E .

2 SCHOOL NEWS News Briefs

By Emily Oh

THIS IS SATIRE. HSSC President Junie Kah impeached amidst scandal Disclaimer: Despite Tiger Times’ affiliation and hatred of the former Editor-in-Chief, this article was written impartially and without editorial input from Junie Kah.

Sophomore, Staff Writer

The vice principal notorious for his strict no-backpack policy was found wearing his own on March 31. Photo by Lauren Kang

Macklin wears backpack to cafeteria

On March 31, Gray Macklin, high school vice principal, was spotted roaming around the cafeteria with a blue, light up backpack slung over his shoulders. Despite his attempt to play it cool and hide his bag in the corner, he was ultimately caught by James Gerhard, high school principal.

“I knew something was off the moment I entered the cafeteria. He was unable to make direct eye contact with me,” said Dr. Gerhard. “It was rather dismaying and embarrassing having to confront Mr. Macklin. I tried my best to handle the situation discreetly but ultimately ended up having to call him out in front of everyone as he continued denying his wrongdoings. He ended up having to borrow a laptop from the IT office.”

Kowalski fan club established at SIS

After months of fighting for recognition, the Kowalski Fan Club (KFC) was finally recognized as an official club by the SIS administration. Dedicated entirely to appreciating social studies teacher James Kowalski, KFC holds meetings every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday during office hours. Although KFC’s KoWALLlski, a wall comprising of portraits of Mr. Kowalski in different styles and mediums, will be temporarily taken down for the AP art show, KFC members (commonly referred to as “Koalas,”) have recently completed a life-sized statue of the social studies teacher that will be available for viewing starting April 31. KFC will also be selling finger lickin’ good Kowalski themed easter treats after school during the third week of April.

“What we do is our joy, our god-given pathway for natural healing - it is something nobody can take away regardless of how much they disregard and poke fun of our hours of meticulous work and dedication,” said Arlene Kim (10), co-president of KFC. “We’ll be opening up club applications for the upcoming school year within the next month. Although everyone is welcome to apply, we would like to remind everyone that membership is very selective and what we do here requires full dedication, time, and effort.”

Fischer comes to school early, passes out

On March 25, English teacher James Fischer came to school early for the first time in his three years at SIS. By arriving an entire 4 minutes early, his first period students were able to enter his classroom before the day officially started. However, as impressive as his early arrival was, Mr. Fischer fell asleep thirty minutes into class.

“We were enjoying his ASMR reading of an excerpt when he passed out cold. Although it was not surprising, it was somewhat disappointing,” said Zephaniah Lee (12). “Thinking about it now, we were foolish for thinking he had changed for even a second. We spent the remaining hour in silence, as Mr. Fischer tends to be quite cranky when you try to wake him up from a nap.”

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his year’s HSSC elections took a turn for the unexpected when the administrative team announced the impeachment of HSSC President Junie Kah (12), who was nearing the end of her four-year term. In an unprecedented PA system announcement, Junie tearfully notified the student body of her removal from executive office.

Tiger Times revealed that behind Junie’s ever-present enthusiasm and random acts of kindness was a dark history of bribery, fraud, and deception. The story began from her childhood, when Junie lost her two most prized stuffed animals in a robbery at Lotte World. Andy Yoon (11), a longtime friend, immediately reached out to her after this devastating loss and claimed that through shamanic rituals, she could converse with the stolen souls of her teddy bears. After gaining Junie’s full support and trust, Andy devised a plan: he made sure that Junie would become a likeable, positive individual so that she, once in high school, would be elected to the HSSC by her peers. Once in position, Junie and Andy would use her executive privileges to influence the everyday lives of SIS students.

Andy’s most recent scandal was the creation of the E-Sports tournament to show off his Super Smash Bros and Pokémon Showdown skills. Additionally, he later admitted to strategically

re-scheduling Open Meetings to skip the clubs he did not like as well as hiking up snack cart prices to fund his addiction for AP Biology prep books.

Junie and Andy were not the only parties convicted in the scandal, as the corruption stretched to the many clubs of SIS. UNICEF, Habitat for Humanity, and Math Club were caught influencing the HSSC for coveted Family Fun Day booths such as the popular mini-golf station. Junie and Andy disguised all of these actions through a charity foundation called Random Assistance to Koalas (RAK).

“To be completely honest, I had known about Junie’s actions for a while and I found nothing wrong with most of them,” said HSSC treasurer William Seo (12), who tipped Tiger

am deeply disgusted “byIthis act and at the same

time, extremely shocked that such an event could even have occurred,” James Kim (10) said. “I mean, who would ever try to take advantage of their position as a leader at SIS?

”

Times about the scandal. “However, when she began to serve the cereal by pouring the milk first, I finally had

to draw the line. Corrupting school records and abusing power is all fine, but this act was a criminal, blatant exploitation of the Cartnivore’s monopoly.”

The aftermath of the incident, dubbed “Juniegate” by the senior class, is yet to be fully realized. James Gerhard, high school principal, has announced that her initial punishment would include solitary confinement in the cafeteria, having to complete the rest of her AP Calculus BC tests without a retake, and receiving a 99.5% GPA for the rest of the semester.

In a private interview, Junie also acknowledged that exploiting the trust of her fellow peers could possibly have a negative impact on her college admissions. While further investigations happen, Isaac Lee (12), the former vice president, has been sworn into office as the Acting President. Andy Yoon has been sentenced to reading the rest of Midnight’s Children without the use of Sparknotes, a punishment some student rights activists have criticized as being too harsh.

“I am disgusted by this act and at the same time, shocked that such an event could even have occurred,” James Kim (10) said. “I mean, who would ever try to take advantage of their position as a leader at SIS?”

By BRIAN HAM Sophomore, Staff Writer

Gray Macklin, Junie Kah and 10 others

School week with no summative assessments stuns students

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or the majority of the year, SIS high school students had been plagued with a seemingly endless cycle of tests and projects. Such a demanding workload had often put extensive amounts of stress on students, and many had been forced to abandon some other aspect of their life–be it their social life, hobbies, or family time–to keep up with their academic requirements. But on the week of April 1, something wholly unprecedented happened: the high school went an entire week without a single summative assessment.

“Up until this moment, I’d been under immense, seemingly endless pain,” Derek Suh (11) said. “I was riddled by a ‘machine gun,’ and the summatives were the bullets. At some point, I simply became numb to the feeling and began powering through each head-splitting week like some sort of mindless summative machine.

But in one magical moment, the pain was gone. Suddenly, I realized that I had no tests or assessments of any kind that week. The feeling was unbelievable; for the first time since my first day of ninth grade, I was at peace.”

Despite many students being overjoyed that they now had more time to rest, study for their exams, and work on their summative projects, some students worried that a week of no tests might result in double the amount of summative assessments in

the following weeks. Others attempted to find an external explanation for this phenomenon, which they claimed was simply too strange to be a coincidence.

“Look! There is a simple, easy explanation for all this: astrology,” Delilah Duh (12) remarked. “Mercury has just been set back from retrograde.

Let’s be real, the past year hasn’t been the best of times for the school in general, and it’s obviously because of Mercury’s backwards tour. But now that the heavenly body is back on its direct course, the universe is finally favoring us. The stars have aligned and they have sent us its first blessing!”

Although the “cosmos theory”–as dubbed by students–had been generally accepted as the most feasible explanation to the situation at hand, some students speculated that the no-summative week could also have resulted from high school teachers at international schools in Korea collectively cancelling all summatives for their students in an effort to alleviate their suffering, especially since high school students at the International School of Korea, Southeast Asia International School, and South Korean American School also reported having no summatives throughout the entirety of this week.

The feeling of a week without tests had been lost to the high school students of SIS, especially since the removal of the ‘down week’–a system

in which the school forbids teachers from giving students summative assignments and assessments one week prior to midterms or finals–in response to student complaints that the down week led to higher levels of procrastination. Instead, midterms were replaced with skills-based assessments.

Initially, high school students were relieved that the pressure of studying for hundreds of hours in preparation for the tests would be taken off their shoulders. This decision was soon revealed to be ineffective, however, as it was virtually impossible for teachers to give students summatives that required no reviewing of previously learned materials. As a result, both students and teachers were forced to increase their workload to accommodate their hectic schedules.

The unprecedented relapse of a summative-free week has triggered several students to make a call to bring back the down week once and for all; how the administration will respond remains to be seen. But for the most part, students and faculty alike remain astonished by this incredible serendipity.

“It was like seeing the face of God himself,” one student remarked with a tear in his eye.

By JIWON LEE Sophomore, Staff Writer

THIS IS SATIRE.

Satiger Times

April 2019

BREAKING NEWS

Student picks up Tiger Times article

On April 1, unprecedented history was made at SIS: a student picked up a Tiger Times issue from the news stand.

Preliminary forensic evidence also suggests that the student not only picked up the issue, but also kept it. Eyewitness accounts claim that the student was a boy wearing white hoodie that contrasted with his tan skin. Some argued that it was a girl with straight, thin legs. All reports were centered on the suspect’s large ears, which were said to flap with excitement while reading the paper. Such accounts were insufficient to identify the student, and no one thus far has declared themselves to be the reader. Nevertheless, rumor about the new readership spread quickly, surprising many.

“I remember the unbelievable scene clearly; the moment is embedded vividly into my mind,” Naomi Sato (9) said. “I was chatting with my friends on the couch when I saw a student momentarily stopping in front of a newsstand and leaving with an issue in his or her hand.

I was speechless.”

The implications of this incident on the future of Tiger Times is unclear: days, weeks, months, or perhaps years could go by before another printed product feels the warm touch of a student’s hands. After all, before this fateful date, the thought of a student stopping by one of the numerous news stands distributed around the school to invest just five seconds picking up a paper has been a mere speculation, a wild figment of imagination. News that the school paper, which conveniently contains cartoons, graphics , and articles spanning across various school and worldwide topics made for the students of SIS, has actually been picked up has come across as a great shock for the majority of the

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student body.

“I heard about the incident recently from my friend,” Winston Crawford (12) said. “I initially had a hard time believing it. Never before during my four years in high school have I heard of such an occurrence.”

Proposals have been filed to formulate a forensics team to track down this mystery student. For now, a state-of-theart think tank has been hired to brainstorm the student’s possible motives to commit such an act of altruism. The idea that a student willingly harvested the efforts of the group in the form of refined articles and designs continue to perplex the minds of even the school’s most esteemed intellectuals. Meanwhile, students unable to grasp this idea have begun betting on the identity of this hero.

“To be honest, I’m starting to have my doubts about whether this really happened or not,” Ashwin Kumar (10) said. “I’m pretty sure it was probably the wind or just an illusion that someone had. I mean, there’s no way someone would actually have had taken a Tiger Times paper.”

Whether or not this student is tracked down, the event has planted hope in the hearts of the many layout artists, reporters, photographers, and editors of Tiger Times. Pessimists speculate that the newspaper was used for a different cause other than reading, such as the sealing of a crack in a window or a wall, decoration, and even sheeting for dog litter. Regardless, the staff of Tiger Times is immensely excited at the prospect of a student consciously picking up one of its issues.

By THOMAS SONG Sophomore, Staff Writer

Teachers stunned after AP Calculus students ace test On March 18, in a historic showing, all AP Calculus students received perfect scores on the “Integration By Big and Small Parts” test, shocking course instructors Nathan Warkentin and Jeffrey McEvoy-Hein. Emotional turbulence soon followed, filling the teachers with joy, confusion, suspicion, and pride. Following the event, the teachers met to discuss how it occurred, how to continue motivating students, and whether to make the tests harder.

“I never thought I would see Mr. Warkentin with tears of joy,” said Ricky Lee (12). “The entire class was stunned when Mr. Warkentin could not conceal his happiness. None of us had expected it either. I mean, it was the entire grade not just one class! When Mr. Warkentin made the announcement, my class was screaming and high-fiving each other. After that, our class was just beginning to settle down when we heard an equally loud cheer from next doors. Apparently, Mr. McEvoy-Hein’s classes had scored perfectly as well.”

In the following days, however, low spirits pervaded throughout the school.

The students started to suspect one another of cheating, citing each other’s previously poor performances. A spree of accusations followed, while all student

claimed innocence. Fully convinced that their peers had cheated, some students even asked Mr. Warkentin and Mr. McEvoy-Hein to create a new version of the test. However, students again exceeded expectations on the March 21, March 26, and March 30 tests, but the students just seemed unable to fail.

“It just happened,” said Henry Choi (12). “I don’t why, but the students didn’t seem to miss a single question. Everyone forgot what happened during the test, but our minds worked differently. I felt really

good, and others did the same. I hope I can accomplish this feat again. However, I heard that Mr. Warkentin plans to make our tests harder. I seriously hope he doesn’t do that because it might demotivate some of my peers.”

Mr. Warkentin and Mr. McEvoy-Hein have continuously expressed their pride, feeling proud that students were able to master this crucial content. In the AP Calculus classes on March 21 and March 22, teachers held a full-period discussion session, asking students to open up about

what happened with this test. In a meeting afterschool with the math department on March 22, Mr. McEvoy-Hein proposed that they change nothing, hoping that this phenomenon might wondrously continue to the next unit. The AP Calculus students and teachers will surely see whether this phenomenon continues on April 7-8, when the next unit test on “Serious Approximations of Series” will be held.

By CHRISTOPHER SHIN Junior, Staff Writer

Bokjeong-Dong, South Korea • Airbnb

Airbnb, Inc. [US] | https://www.airbnb.com/rooms/15333651?location=Bokjeong%2C%20South%20Korea&adu

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[CAMPUS RENOVATION]

SIS now open as quaint, cozy Airbnb!

Bokjeong-dong, Sujeong-gu SIS is now advertising as an Airbnb for students! The administration has established a temporary youth hostel component for students who would prefer to live on campus than to commute daily. This change was immediately executed the week after spring term parent-teacher conferences, so contact this number to reserve your spot for next year.

Host Testimony “I was trying to rent a place through Airbnb,” said high school principal James Gerhard. “What stood out to me was that many of these homes had features that our school campus also boasts. It got me thinking… I would love to sleep on those hard, cold benches in the humid atrium, and to spend 24/7 with my colleagues, rather than to walk home every day. What does our campus not have, after all? We have everything necessary for living and learning.”

Amenities 1. Bedrooms

Review:

2. Basic necessities

Review:

Sleeping spaces are tailored to your preferences; SIS has a number of popular sleeping spaces around campus.

Sleeping on campus during the day has already been a common phenomenon that can be taken advantage of through the youth hostel program. Particularly around 1:00 pm, many students can be spotted sprawled across the various benches and sofas around the high school building. In fact, the school recently brought in new sofas on the first floor in front of the library, where many juniors can be spotted sleeping to save up energy before class.

“If you’re looking for a rather classy sleeping experience, I recommend that you sleep on the Steinway in the atrium while your friend plays Bach,” said Jeff Ambien (11), a sleep enthusiast. “Plus, sleeping in the atrium full of all those plants is basically going camping—I felt like I was one with the nature. My favorite sleeping area, though, was my assigned seat in room D306, where I have fourth period English. The tables, with the support of your arm or your backpack, are comfortable replacements in case you don’t bring your own pillow to school. Honestly, so blessed to have such new cultural experiences—sleeping on beds is so last year!

SIS has also installed water fountains and air purifiers! Escape the outrageous microparticle level outdoors that causes suffocation and death; the air purifiers are essentially necessary to makes campus habitable. New “inhaler rooms” have also been implemented, not only to combat the exacerbated air quality, but also to provide students with a means of preventing dangerous stress-induced asthma attacks. And most recently, the school has installed coffee fountains—in other words, an unlimited supply of double-shot espresso is available for the many students who haven’t slept in weeks.

“The free coffee here is amazing—I’ve never felt so dehydrated in my life!” said Hannah Thinskin. “I do often forget my bottle, though, so I just use the new fountains like the old ones: I drink straight out of it with my mouth.

Sometimes I accidentally push my face against the machine doing so, but the point is, I’m able to stay hydrated. Clean air, too, is such a dream come true! To be able to breathe and stay caffeinated… #lifegoals.”

ults=1&guests=1

Become a host

3. Mealtimes The students’ diet has become a pressing concern as of late. A typical SIS student heads to the school store right before class begins at 8 a.m. in order to wolf down a bag of chips--widely considered to a fairly nutritious food source--then eats a tray full of whatever delicacy the cafeteria provides--always remembering to stop at the salad bar for cereal--and ends the day by strolling over to the cafe in order to purchase a cup of iced coffee and a chicken sandwich--it would be almost impossible to get through 5 hours of hagwon without consuming some caffeine. The chicken sandwich often ends up being the last meal of the day for most students, who go straight home after hagwon and study for another 5 hours straight without any food or water (eating and drinking would just be a waste of time). SIS’ Airbnb solves this problem by providing all students who board with a salad at every meal and free carrots for midnight snacks! Healthy eating is important to you, and so it’s important to us.

Review: “My mom made me stay at SIS as soon as she heard that the school would provide three meals per day,” said Anna Reksa. “I haven’t eaten at home in three years, partly because there’s nothing good (like chips or iced coffee) to eat, but mostly because I forget to eat.

Eating is not just as important to me as other stuff, like college, and college.

Sometimes when my mom reminds me that eating is more important than studying, I just laugh and tell her eating won’t get me into college. I don’t know what I’m going to do now that I’ll be provided three actual meals that aren’t just sandwiches or chips.”

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No Vaping!

No checking out before 3:15! You won’t be allowed back.

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For Your protection, backpacks should be kept in your personal closet (aka “lockers”) when not in use!

No speaking in your native language! English is the official language of the house.

Please enjoy your stay at this beautiful hanok building! According to our survey, approximately 420 students have already signed up for the boarding option, 3 students are undecided, and 1 student has expressed publicly that he will never live at SIS because “he would miss his mom too much.”

Availability is scarce, so make your reservations now!

₩30,000,000 342 Dates

April 16, 2019

Sparkling Clean 15 guests said this place was sparkling clean––the toilets were always flushed.

1 year pass

Functioning Facilities 7 guests said the heating systems and air-conditioning were “technically existent.”

Fitness Opportunities 23 guests said that using the stairs up and down the 7th floor several times a day was “invigorating!” and “character-building!”

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Reasonable Lunch Lines 0 people complained that the lunch lines were too lopsided!

10 GLOBAL NEWS

THIS IS SATIRE.

Scientists genetically engineer the perfect K-POP group

O

n Mar. 20, scientists of the Genetic Operation Department (GOD) announced a major breakthrough in both the science and music industries: they had successfully created the “perfect” K-Pop group, Natural.

Over the past decade, quirky fashion, makeup, and, most importantly, plastic surgery have sufficed in manufacturing human merchandise for entertainment companies. As it became increasingly difficult to distinguish between the numerous K-Pop groups in the market, many of which followed the same modes of trend, investors of the K-Pop industry reverted their focus toward the field of science, changing their motto to “inventing, not amending.” To this end, scientists have geared their efforts toward incorporating all the components that make a K-pop group successful.

K

im Jong-un announced last month that North Korea would aggressively pursue reunification with its southern counterpart after discovering South Korean Yeopgi Tteokbokki (Yeoptteok), a rice cake dish famous for its hot taste.

In a press conference on Mar. 25, the Kim administration revealed that the dictator was blown away by the “spicy miracle food” after initially encountering the dish at last year’s inter-Korean summit. Kim subsequently demanded his top scientists to abandon North Korea’s nuclear program to focus on replicating the tteokbboki recipe. After months of failing to create an adequate copy, the dictator has decided that entering reunification talks with South Korea would be his best chance at tasting Yeoptteok once again.

“What’s the point of being a dictator if you can’t even eat your favorite food?” said Mr. Kim. “My country’s failure to reproduce those spicy treats has opened my eyes to the follies of isolationism. I must have more of that fiery delight, even if it means relenting my power.”

Kim has offered to give up all power and to allow a South Korean administration to take full control of the entire Korean peninsula on two conditions: Kim has demanded that he and his family be given full legal immunity and ownership of a tteokbboki shop in Seoul. The North Korean dictator began negotiations for reunification early last week, reportedly squealing with delight when Yeoptteok were served at dinner during the conference. According to the New York Times, the two neighboring countries are nearing a deal that would specify a two year transition period where power in the North would be transferred to the South Korean government in exchange for

“Who would have imagined that something like this could be possible,” said Young-jin Park, also known as YJP, one of the contributing researchers from GOD. “When I started this project, I expected immediate failure. Now, in light of success, I realize that the flaws of humanity have rendered us complacent with talents that are subpar. Biotechnology is changing this.

Humankind is ready to take another step toward the unlimited.”

Unlike the average girl group, all members of Natural can sing, dance, and flaunt their bright, attractive personalities that overshadow the rest of the music industry.

Each of its members is responsible for the five concepts of a successful girl group, some of the most common being cute, stylish, and girl-crush. In order to address a larger audience, Natural members have monthly payments to Kim of fifteen tons of tteokbboki.

“As crazy as it sounds, we could be taking trains to Pyongyang as early as next year,” said Jen Eric Parson. “Pyongyang has been incredibly open in negotiations.

The Koreas will reunify, not because of the inter-Korean conferences or efforts at denuclearization, but because of perfectly seasoned, chewy, and hot tteokbboki.”

US President Donald Trump has been quick to claim credit for the sudden reunification of Korea. At a press conference on Mar. 27, Trump claimed that it was actually his idea to serve Yeoptteok at the inter-Korean conference, meaning that the credit for the reunification should go to him. The US has also been attempting to gain a foothold in North Korea by sending its most prolific chefs to Pyongyang in order to introduce Kim Jong-un to American foods. The Trump Administration has publicly stated that it hopes Kim will discover an American food that he loves as much as Yeoptteok, giving Washington D.C. an avenue to secure favorable clauses in the imminent reunification treaty. So far, Kim has rejected all offers of American cuisine, including hamburgers, apple pie, Twinkies, and bacon ranch fries.

“Of course I orchestrated the reunification,” said Mr. Trump. “It was my idea to serve Kim that yap dok stuff or whatever you call it. Besides, I was the inventor or yap dok! I taught the Koreans how to make yap dok before they even knew what yap dok was. I love yap dok so much, I even have the same skin color as it!

Now look what my brilliance has done! I’ve solved the greatest political crisis in Asia!”

been engineered to fluently speak nine languages, play five instruments, and have the athletic capability to play any physical or intellectual sport proficiently.

“I love the newfound attention that I’m receiving,” said Injo, a member of Natural embodying the concept of girlcrush.

“Everyone loves me for who I am because I became who they love. Whatever they wish to see in me, I can provide, and my fans return their gratitude with devotion.

Although sometimes I feel empty that my body is not necessarily my own, I still think that my ability to dictate my physical capabilities really determine who I am. I really was made to be a K-pop star.” Natural’s agency, YJP Entertainment, has announced its hopes to genetically engineer more K-pop groups on demand. By surveying and compiling desirable qualities from the

public, YJP plans to create products similar to their current masterpiece. Natural’s entrance has already raised tensions among globally acclaimed girl groups such as C-Generation, BlackTink, and Thrice. Other entertainment companies have already reached out to genetic engineering labs in order to create their own engineered girl groups.

“I have recently converted my ‘bias’ from BlackTink to Natural,” said Kor-eah Boo, a self-proclaimed former BlackTink fan. “Natural is exceptional in all aspects compared to all the rest of the girl groups. I look forward to seeing more K-pop groups adopting genetic engineering in the future.”

By ANDIE KIM Junior, Staff Writer

Yeoptteok spurs reunification of Korea

By ERIC HWANG Sophomore, Staff Writer

EMERGING ENVIRONMENTALIST GROUP SPARKS INTENSE DEBATE IN SOUTH KOREA

SKY CONSPIRACY

Earlier this month, a group of South Koreans–who collectively refer to themselves as the Muckrakers of South Korea (MOSK)–came forward to allege that the sky is actually blue, rather than its clearly visible light gray hue. The individuals’ statements generated confusion amongst the citizens of Korea; some claimed that they too remembered seeing blue skies or hearing stories about it from older family members, though most simply dismissed the group as a deranged cult. The scientif-

ic community in South Korea is attempting to settle the intense debate that has sparked over the group’s assertions by releasing public statements regarding the issue.

“Tiny particles in the air reflect the light of the sun off their surface and cause the electromagnetic waves to descend in layers to Earth’s surface,” said Bill Nye, leading environmental scientist at the Korean Scientists Atmospheric Research Organization(KSARO). “The impurities

in the atmosphere, combined with the sheer thickness of theEarth’s mesosphere and stratosphere, inhibit the sun’s radiation waves from penetrating the ozone layer in quantities large enough to create a significant pigmentation in the sky. Thus, it is safe to say that it is a scientific impossibility for the sky to be blue.”

Despite the extensive criticism MOSK has received since the initial announcement of its theory, the group is rapidly gaining a large following both in and out of South Korea.

Korean believers attempting to disseminate the

THIS IS SATIRE.

Satiger Times

April 2019

Bill Gates demands compensation from Africa

O

n March 28, during a summit with leaders of the African Union, Bill Gates demanded $1 billion from each of the 54 countries in the continent, citing the considerable donations he had provided in years past. To the surprise of the global community, he announced that his days of philanthropy are over, referring to Africa as a “lost cause.”

According to the latest report released by the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation, the global population will increase by nearly four billion people, three billion of which will live in Africa. He estimates that Africa’s agricultural productivity must quadruple to meet the rising needs of citizens in such nations, an imminent problem that he is not willing to face, especially given the alleged lack of gratitude for his actions.

“Before I started to dedicate my life to philanthropy, I had founded one of the world’s leading technology companies, but

adversity is a vital aspect of life. Returning his hard-earned money, Gates noted, would not only be a gesture of appreciation for his efforts thus far but would also be the morally correct thing to do. Such sentiments were shared by the America-First US government, who suspected that the sums of money Gates had donated were being used for the wrong purposes.

“Bill Gates is a really good friend of mine,” said Donald Trump, US President.

“Ever since he began donating a tremendous amount of money to Africa, I warned him about the African continent. In several conversations, I talked to him about the threat of radical Islam—that he was funding Muslim extremists in North and West Africa. In the end, I got through to him.

African communities cannot depend on the US anymore; the children there need to be more self-reliant. Once we receive the tremendous money we deserve from African governments, we will be able to give back to the American people.”

In an interview after the meeting, Gates referenced “personal circumstances” as an additional reason he is demanding compensation. Sources speculate that his fam-

I kept telling myself that my life was empty,” said Bill Gates, in his televised speech at the aforementioned summit. “I would hear the cries of the African children, ill and dying. ‘Shut up! Shut up, children!’ I would scream into the night. But the phantom cries would not abate. So I shifted my focus from Microsoft to the needs of impoverished African communities once acquiring a considerable amount of wealth, establishing the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation in 2000. Since then, we’ve spent more than $2 billion a year to improve health and agriculture in the continent. Unfortunately, I’m going to have to ask for all that back, please.”

Bill Gates went on to explain his rationale, noting that he learned to be independent and succeed with his own blood, sweat, and tears. Gates stated that African communities needed to learn this—that independence is the key to success and

11

ily could be involved in the recent college admissions scandal, in which numerous celebrities were accused of bribing universities to accept their children; Jennifer, his first child, is currently attending Stanford University, one of the schools involved. His third child, Phoebe, is preparing to apply for college in two years’ time, raising the question of whether bribery is the reason for his recent behavior at the summit.

Other sources claim that Bill Gates simply wants to take back the title of “World’s Richest Man.” “I am in full support of what Bill is doing,” said Melinda Gates, his spouse. “Time and time again, the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation has saved families in Africa from famine, natural disasters, and more, but it is also time that our family thinks about our future. For example, Jennifer loves equestrian riding and buying designer clothing, something we as parents need to support. We plan to shut down the charity that Bill and I built about 20 years ago. Find someone else to save Africa.”

By ANDY YOON Junior, Staff Writer

Global crime rate drops drastically during #don’t_break_the_law challenge

O

n March 26, singer-songwriter Drake was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize after his viral #don’t_break_the_law challenge caused the global crime rate to drop to a record zero percent. The trend originated a week ago when the artist posted a video online of himself standing in front of a wide open road with no cars within a five-mile radius yet refusing to jaywalk because there were still three seconds left on the red light. His fans marveled at his self-control and discipline in the comments section and promptly picked up the challenge of adhering to laws themselves. The challenge soon went from an inside joke to a worldwide phenomenon, as evidenced by the US government reports claiming that no one had committed a single crime over the last seven days.

“After my song got millions of people to stop their cars in the middle of the street and risk death to film a six-second dance clip, I became aware of the enormous power I had,” said a tearful Drake in his acceptance speech. “I was sitting in my backyard, wondering how to curb crime rates in the nation, when it suddenly hit me: what if we just... stopped breaking the law?”

The Pew Research Center, RAND corporation, and Bureau of Justice Statistics immediately discarded their recidivism rate research when they heard of Drake’s ingenious solution. “Drake showed the world once again why he deserves a whopping four Grammys,” said Andrew Kahoot, founder of the Pew Research Center. “He’s up there with Mahatma Gandhi, Martin Luther King Jr., and the rest for his efforts at peacekeeping.”

The challenge bubbled up all the way to influence the highest echelons of society. The Zodiac Killer uploaded a short clip of turning himself

into the San Francisco Police Department, racking up a million likes in an hour. Corporate executives cheerfully recorded videos of them actually following environmental safety regulations.

Cristiano Ronaldo and Lionel Messi filmed videos of them paying their taxes and Donald Trump released his tax returns (on Twitter). When the SIS administration capitalized on the situation to create the #followTIGERSvalues challenge, lockers were actually used, Sparknotes lost 50 percent of its readership, and CPM homework answer sheets were rendered obsolete.

In his acceptance speech for the Nobel Peace Prize, Drake also outlined plans for expansion, including the #stoplosingtoLeBron issued specifically for his hometown basketball team, the Toronto Raptors. This hashtag caused the bookmaker’s odds for the Raptors winning the NBA title to drop to 1/1000 and the Golden State Warriors immediately traded Kevin Durant for draft picks to start tanking. However, Drake struck even greater success with the revolutionary #stopbeingpoor challenge, which instantly lifted thousands out of poverty.

“Drake is an absolute life-saver,” said Rich Guy, who had been on welfare paychecks before #stopbeingpoor broke the internet. “I had spent so many years looking for a stable income for my family, but Drake made me realize that I could just stop being poor! His intelligence blows my mind every day. Now, I have enough cash to buy a beach mansion in LA, a Ferrari 250 GTO for my family, and a jacuzzi; even more surprisingly, I can almost afford basic healthcare in the US.”

By BRIAN HAM Sophomore, Staff Writer

BY JIWON LEE faith have contributed immensely to the increasing number of global-scale adherents. Leaders of the group claim that governments around the world have worked together to beguile the public into thinking the sky is grey in an effort to hide the extent of microscopic particles and pollutant gases released into the troposphere– the atmospheric layer closest to the earth’s surface–as a result of excessive amounts of industrial production. To support its argument, MOSK has released photographs

from 1989 that show much bluer skies than those of 2019. However, most have disparaged the proof as mere tampering with evidence using computer graphic editing, and this counterargument has been backed by yearly air quality level statistics released by the World Health Organization (WHO) which suggest that changes in air quality levels in the past decades have not been substantial enough to have visibly altered the coloration of the sky.

“I could see why people would want to

believe in MOSK’s theory even if there is no considerable, believable evidence to back the claim,” said Elon Musk, AP Environmental Science teacher. “But the idea that the sky was once blue and can be blue if we work to cut down on pollution and manufacturing in factories is too good to be true. The sky has been grey throughout the entirety of Earth’s existence, and unless there is a dramatic shift in the composition, structure, and thickness of the planet’s atmospheric layers, nothing will

change about that.”

After deeming MOSK’s claims as false, the South Korean government has implemented various systems to combat the inaccurate information being spread by the group, such ascreating education programs to make the teaching of environmental science in all public schools mandatory, or employing public service announcements to educate Korean citizens on the dangers of and methods to identify fake news. In spite of the federal gov-

12 SMALL TALK

THIS IS SATIRE.

Your Horoscopes for the Week

Dear Ms. Good-advice

by Jeremy Nam and Dawn Kim

BY Kate Lee Dear Ms. Goodadvice: School isn’t fun anymore these days, with only some boring sports teams, community service organizations, and academic clubs (of course people are so passionate about these activities). Well, to be honest, I really want to change how things work around here. To do that, I want to make a Meme Club– it’s like I need to do it for my bros who are suffering from academic stress. I mean, haters gon’ hate, but don’t you think this is a good idea? Will Salt Bae be proud? Peace out bro. -- Dat Boi Dear Dat Boi: Oh. My. God. Yes, you need to make the Meme Club. In fact, you should just start it, like, right now. Yes, right now! This club is going to be so lit and it will obviously look amazing on your resume. Think about it: you’ll really stand out from other kids and colleges will love the fact that you are unique. Geez, of course Salt Bae will be proud!

I also want to give you tips on how to start your meetings. First, teach the members the importance of memes in today’s society. What’s so frustrating is that no one notices how essential memes are, especially as a form of mass communication. With memes, we can become a translingual society where everyone communicates only through pictures and videos. After that, you can do more fun stuff like meme choreography, where you teach members how to do the “Floss Dance,” otherwise called the “Backpack Kid Dance.” Maybe you can even have an end-of-the-year performance to showcase your moves?

Just like how Steve Job’s parents were not supportive of him before he went on to change the world with his electronics, many people might not be supportive of you. HOWEVER, don’t let these haters stop you. Wish you the best of luck, bro.

Aries | March 21 to April 19

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

Someone will ask you to prom––just probably not the person you were hoping for. You’ll say yes anyway, in fear of the crippling prospect of being alone.

You will ace your math quiz––a strong 56 percent.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

You forgot to log out of your Facebook account on that Macbook you borrowed from the IT office.

Bye privacy!

Quick! Run to the IT Office and rent computer #1-06.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

Remember the last history test you finished 15 minutes before everyone else? There was a back page.

A black Shiba Inu you run into on the streets will remind you of someone...

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

You will accidentally set off the fire alarm while alone in the gym. Don’t worry, we’ll keep your secret.

The next SAT test you take will be canceled. There goes three months of hagwon cramming and millions of your parents’ won.

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

A questionable chunk of lunch meat will give you food poisoning. Please don’t sue though, they already have enough legal problems as is.

You will try to drink from one of the new water fountains without a cup. Bring a change of clothes.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

The Cartnivore staff will forget to take your money. Congratulations on the free Nutella toast!

The stars are tired of politely nodding when your mom tells you that you’re smart, it’s just that you don’t try.

Photo OOF! the Month

Dear Ms. Goodadvice: Hi, I’m currently in high school, and have loads of homework to do and tests to prepare for. I always tell my friends and family members that I’m fine and that I’m not tired because I don’t want them to worry about me, but I’m honestly extremely fatigued and sleep deprived. Please give me advice on how to stay well rested despite having to do a bunch of things all at once. Thanks so much. – Tired Gal Dear Tired Gal: Okay, first things first. Stop complaining girl! It’s not like you are the only one who’s not well rested. See, I’m probably gonna get even less sleep than you, writing responses to all of these petty complaints. Sleep? Nah, more like stay woke.

Also, I want to suggest that you just give up on school and get a job. You’re gonna have to get a job sometime anyway. Why are you struggling to finish every single assignment we are given if you consider them to not be worth of your time? I say the easiest way to solve your problems is to throw all your assignments into the trash bin and apply for a job at MacDonalds. Anyways, stop complaining, use your time the way you want to, go against your parents, and have fun throwing away your hard work!

Morgan Miller, social studies teacher, scolds Tommy Sing (10) as he mistakenly believes that Sing’s asthma inhaler is a e-cigarette. PHOTO BY JOCELYN LEE