Sleep Sense Issue #2

SleepSense a look at sleep, family and life issue 2 February, 2015

GET OUT OF MY BED How to bid a peaceful farewell to co-sleeping and reclaim your space

CRY BABY CRY

Coming to terms with your child’s occasional unhappiness

ONE WRONG MOVE The single biggest mistake parents make at bedtime

Issue # 2

CONTENTS Take Back Your Bed It’s going to happen sooner or later. Tips for putting an end to cosleeping without starting a war.

Cry All You Want, Kid I learned to accept my child’s crying, and I honestly believe it made me a better mother

Outfoxing the Boogeyman Bad dreams can be a harrowing experience for both children and parents. So what’s the right thing to do when your child has a nightmare?

Nap Like You Mean It

Short naps are disruptive to your child’s overall sleep. How to stave off the dreaded 45 minute intruder.

“Shouldn’t I Be Happy?”

Having kids is supposed to be the happiest event in your life. So why does the evidence suggest otherwise?

Is Melatonin Safe For Kids?

The number of parents giving melatonin to their children has skyrocketed in the last ten years. Is it a miracle cure, or a recipe for disaster?

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TAKING BACK YOUR BED Right off the bat here, I just want to let you know that I’m not the kind of person to say, “I told you so.”

So for anyone reading this who’s aware of my disdain for co-sleeping, I want to assure

you that I’m not going to waste your time by telling you that life would be easier now if you hadn’t let your child into your bed to begin with.

I know that almost all of us raise our kids with a mish-mash of styles. Even devout attachment parents tend to find that there’s that one little point where their child just doesn’t seem to fit the

CO-SLEEPING CAN’T GO ON FOREVER, BUT TRY EXPLAINING THAT TO YOUR KIDS WHEN YOU’RE TRYING TO GET THEM TO STOP SLEEPING IN YOUR BED.

mold, and they alter the rulebook accordingly.

So no shrugged shoulders and upturned palms from me on this issue. You feel it’s time your child moved to his own bed and I’m here to help.

• Maintain Perspective Obviously, if you’re reading this, your child isn’t at a point where he actually wants to go sleep in his own bed. He likes cuddling with you at night and he’s not happy about having to give it up. And really, who could blame him? Nobody likes to have their sleep routines messed with. I

know plenty of grown ups who wouldn’t react well to switching to a new bed, new sheets, a new pillow and nobody to snuggle with. (And I humbly include myself in that lot.)

A three year old who’s been sleeping next to you his entire life can hardly be expected to understand or appreciate why this change is suddenly being instituted, and he’s going to express that confusion in typical toddler fashion.

So while you’re going through this process, bear in mind that it’s tough on your toddler as well. He’s going to be sleepy, cranky and probably a little miffed at you for insisting on this change, but that’s all perfectly reasonable. Just bear in mind, there are better days ahead.

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• Explain the Rules It’s a good idea to explain what’s happening early in the day, which gives your child some time to come to grips with it. Let him know that it’s part of growing up, and that you slept on your own when you were his age.

With a little luck, the pride and excitement of taking on a more mature role will help in the process. Now is also a good time to let him know what the rules are when it comes to getting out of bed or coming into your room.

• Stand your ground The shortest distance between the beginning and end of this process is to be consistent, so don’t go bending the rules. If they come into your room in the middle of the night, walk them back to their

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room, kiss them goodnight, and let them know that there is a consequence to leaving again. (I like the “one minute with the door closed” consequence for this scenario, but use whatever works for you.)

Do not give in to the temptation to allow him to get into bed with you for a few minutes, or climb into bed with him until he falls asleep. (I told you this wouldn’t be easy.) It may seem like a quick solution, or that you’re letting him adjust gradually, but I promise you, it just reinforces the idea that if they come and wake you up, they’ll get me snuggle time, albeit temporarily.

• Provide Feedback So, you’ve survived the night.

If your child did well, let him know! Don’t hesitate to lay down the praise for a job well done. After all, this is a big

step for him.I find that reward charts are a great tool when you are trying to encourage a change in behavior. Offer some incentive for your child to stay in his bed for an entire night, and a bigger reward for staying there for a full week.

By the time he’s reached a full month, he probably won’t need any more motivation.

It will have just become “the norm” for him to sleep in his own room.

Most importantly, don’t give up. This is definitely a tough milestone to achieve, both for you and your child, but you will get there eventually. There’s probably going to be a fair amount of crying and sleepless nights, but the sooner you get through it, the sooner you’ll both be enjoying long, restful nights in your own respective beds.

creating a

SLEEP

SANCTUARY It’s easy to get swept up in the esthetic appeal of a new nursery, but all the trinkets in the world won’t help your baby sleep. In fact, they might do just the opposite...

When I first got pregnant, there were about a million things running through my mind. Boy or girl?

What am I going to name it? Oh my lord, how much weight am I going to gain?

And I’d be lying through my teeth if I said I wasn’t excited about decorating the nursery.

“It will be cute, but contemporary, with an element of sophistication,” I thought. “The colors should be fun, but not tacky-fun. The furniture must be sleek and understated, but with just the right number of childish features.”

But by the time my third baby came along, I was much more realistic.

The diaper genie should go somewhere I won’t kick it over in the middle of the night, and the crib should be out of arms’ reach of the Penaten. Bam! Nursery decorated.

The advice I have for you new parents is that, when it comes to your kids’ bedrooms, functionality trumps fashion.

And their primary function is to help your kids sleep.

So decorate however your heart desires, but keep these tips in mind.

• Regulate the temperature Babies sleep best in a room that’s somewhere between 65 and 70 degrees Fahrenheit, but you should adjust it as you see fit and see what works best for your baby. Some kids like to be bundled up in a cool room, and some prefer sleeping in next to nothing in a warmer one.

Whatever your baby prefers, stick with it. sleep sense | 5

• Keep it dark Darkness is an indicator to the brain that it’s time to go to sleep. Light, especially light on the blue end of the spectrum, commonly found in screens and sunlight, inhibits melatonin production and throws our circadian rhythms off. I recommend some blackout blinds for keeping the outdoor light away, and turning the lights off in the area outside baby’s room as well.

• Make some noise White noise machines can be a great addition to a nursery.

Just be sure to keep them a reasonable distance away from the crib. Some of these devices have been measured at over 85 decibels, which is about as loud as a blender.

(Why on earth the manufacturers designed them that way is anybody’s guess.)

• Soothing colors I couldn’t wait to decorate my firstborn’s bedroom, but I chose the color scheme based entirely on the jungle theme we used for the decorations. A British study from 2013 suggested that blue, yellow and green are the most sleep-conducive wall colors. Purple, grey and brown scored the lowest.

• Remove distractions Mobiles, light shows and pretend aquariums are cute, for sure, but they’re more likely to keep your baby awake than help him fall asleep. Babies sleep best in a crib with a pillow, a blanket, and maybe a 6|

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soft lovie (if age appropriate).

Leave the entertainment outside of the bedroom.

• Get a great mattress Mattress salesmen have a good point when they tell you that you spend 1/3rd of your life on your mattress. Your baby will be spending almost double that on his, and he’s still got a soft, sensitive little body, so make sure you get the best mattress you can. It’s worth your time to do a lot of research.

• Keep it organized People tend to sleep better in a clean, organized bedroom, but that’s not the only reason why I recommend keeping your nursery organized. The less light you have to turn on when going in to change a diaper or feed during the night, the better. So if you’ve got everything squared away and easy to find, you can hopefully get it done without turning on the lamps.

• Keep it squeak-free Walk around the baby’s room and locate any spots that tend to squeak, creak or other-

wise protest when you step on them. Babies can sleep through noise, but if it’s one they associate with you coming into the room, chances are they’re going to hear it and get excited.

• Clear the air Dust, pet dander and other pollutants can build up faster than you might think, even if you’re keeping your baby’s bedroom neat and tidy. A good air purifier with a HEPA filter can trap 99% of airborne particles, and can also substitute as a great white noise machine.

In much the same way I tell adults to keep the TVs out of their bedrooms, not to set up work stations in the corner, and to leave their phones and iPads at the door, baby’s room should be about sleep, and sleep only. If they get it into their heads that it’s a play area, that’s what they’re going to want to do when they get in there. But if they understand that it’s a place for sleeping and that’s what happens when they get in there, they’ll be much more comfortable falling, and staying asleep in there.

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CRY BABY. CRY. W E ’ R E I N S T I N C T I V E LY P R O G R A M M E D TO Q U I E T O U R C H I L D R E N W H E N T H E Y S TA R T C R Y I N G , B U T TO W H AT E N D ? H O W I L E A R N E D TO L E T M Y C H I L D R E N C R Y, A N D H O W I T M A D E M E A B E T T E R M OT H E R .

BY DANA OBLEMAN

My first born, Charlie, didn’t need to cry to get my attention.

I answered to every gurgle, whimper and fart sound I heard from his crib.

Anything less seemed, well, negligent.

If I heard him fussing, I would stop everything and listen intently until I was positive he had settled himself.

Every whimper meant I would rush to his side and start patting his head.

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And when he cried – no matter what time of the day or night –

I went to him.

Every. Single. Time.

Sometimes, the reason for his cries were obvious and easily fixed.

But sometimes, he was upset for reasons that – as a baby – he simply could not communicate to me.

And I admit that I felt like a failure as a mother when I couldn’t understand why he was crying.

And like even more of a failure when I couldn’t get him to stop.

But as Charlie got older, I

realized something that I think made me a much better parent… and a stronger person.

It wasn’t my job to stop him from crying.

I realized that there was NEVER going to be a time in his life where his crying would be easy to hear.

In fact, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that, as he got older, hearing him cry was actually going to become MORE difficult.

If he’s crying because he’s tired, I can handle that, but what about when he’s a toddler

and crying means he’s actually, you know… sad?

Or what about when he’s 10 and he’s crying because he’s frustrated with his schoolwork?

Or in his teenage years, when crying means that someone broke his heart, or the pressures of high school are causing him genuine depression?

What about when he’s a grown man, and he’s crying because he lost his job?

What I realized was that Charlie was going to cry… and I was going to let him.

I would be by his side, I would

offer whatever support I could, and I would let him know that I felt his sadness.

But the decision whether or not to cry was entirely up to him.

And, as Charlie (and my other children) have grown older, I’ve come to realize just how wise the decision to let them cry has been.

I don’t need to run to them every time they’re upset.

I don’t have to predict and prevent every accident… or bribe their teachers… or hunt down heartless ex-girlfriends.

I just need to offer my love, my sleep sense | 9

support, and my empathy, and let them know that I’m there for them if they want to talk, or need a hug or a shoulder to cry on.

And that’s an offer that’s valid whether they’re five years old or fifty.

Looking back on it now, I almost feel bad for trying to stop Charlie from crying in those first few months.

It kinda feels like telling a depressed friend, “Listen, I know you’re upset and I’ll help you if I can, but please…just stop talking about it!”

Don’t get me wrong. The sound of a crying baby will never be something I want as my ringtone.

But believe me when I tell you that letting my kids cry when they need to has – oddly enough – made us all a little happier.

Single Biggest Mistake the

By now, I’m sure we all know that there are a lot of different “right ways” to do just about anything where parenting is concerned.

Techniques that some parents use to get their kids to eat their vegetables may work beautifully for them, but not so effectively for other moms. Ditto for preventing tantrums, taking baths, putting on PJs, and so on, and so on. It doesn’t mean that one’s the “right” way to do things and one’s not. They’re just two different, functional approaches, which happen to work.

But just because you’ve found a technique that works, that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s “effective.”

Let me explain what I mean by that… Suppose your smoke detector goes off in the middle of the night. What do you do? You know the smoke detector is blaring at you in order to tell you that there’s a fire. (Or you should. If you don’t know that, a crying baby is the least of your problems.)

What you do NOT do, of course, is take the batteries out of the smoke detector.

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But hey, why not? That solves the problem, right? No more blaring smoke detector. Back to bed with you!

“Mothers and children are human beings, and they will sometimes do the wrong things.”

This is what my physician used to call, “Ignoring the cause and treating the symptoms.”

The reason I bring this up is that a lot of parents I’ve talked to say that their big problem isn’t getting their child to go to sleep, it’s getting them to stay asleep.

“She’ll fall asleep almost as soon as she starts nursing,” is a common line, “but then 15 minutes later, she’s up again, and she howls until I come into the room and pick her up.”

It’s the single biggest mistake that most mothers make at bedtime, and I’m happy to tell you, it’s a relatively simple fix.

Get your baby into her crib before she falls asleep!

The reason for this is simple. Your baby has to learn how to fall asleep without you. That way, when she wakes up in the night, she’ll have the skills to go back to sleep on her own, leaving you undisturbed and happily snoozing through her wake-up.

It sounds simple, but so many parents can’t get past those first few nights of crying. The temptation is just too overwhelming when they know they’ve got that one little trick that will get their

baby to go to sleep.

But that one little trick is the equivalent of pulling the batteries out of the smoke alarm. It may stop the agony for the moment, but you’ve still got a problem on your hands.

Sooner or later, you’re going to have to deal with the underlying issue, which is that your child can’t fall asleep without you.

Whether they’re being nursed, rocked, cuddled or sang to sleep, it’s entirely dependent on your presence in that room, and that means that every time she wakes up, you’re waking up.

And it’s not going to stop until you teach your child to fall asleep, on her own, in her crib. That means no relying on nursing, pacifiers, rocking motions, or hypnotic storybooks. (More information on sleep training your baby can be found here.)

So the bad news is, the little gimmicks only work for the short term, and they generally teach bad sleep habits that can be hard to break down the road.

The good news is, as soon as you’ve taught your baby this invaluable skill, she’s going to sleep much more soundly. sleep sense | 11

“As breasts became more sexualized, they became less functional” 12 |

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DO I OFFEND?

I T ’ S H E A LT H Y, I T ’ S N AT U R A L , W E ’ R E A L L B E I N G E N CO U R AG E D TO D O I T, (A N D S CO L D E D W H E N W E D O N ’ T. ) S O W H Y A R E WO M E N W H O B R E AST F E E D I N P U B L I C ST I L L D E A L I N G W I T H P EO P L E T E L L I N G T H E M TO C U T I T O U T, COV E R U P, O R H I T T H E ROA D?

Why do people get so offended at the sight of a woman feeding her baby in a public setting?

I don’t ask that question just to answer it for you. I’m genuinely looking for some serious feedback from the people who disapprove.

The argument I hear from most of the articles I’ve found online is that people feel uncomfortable seeing exposed breasts in public. They feel that breasts are a “private part” and they should only be seen by your partner, your children, and your doctor.

Oh, and maybe on TV shows.

And movies. Okay, well, European beaches, sure. And awards ceremonies, National Geographic articles, the Superbowl halftime show, and pretty much every corner of the Internet.

But they should never be exposed in a restaurant. That’s offensive.

LESS THAN 65 PERCENT OF NEW MOTHERS NURSE AND JUST 16 PERCENT CONTINUE THROUGH THE FIRST YEAR

Tell me, why is it that, despite being perfectly comfortable with a relentless onslaught of upper body nudity from every media channel imaginable, people are still so uptight about seeing it in person, especially when they’re being used to their specific, intended purpose?

According to Amy Bentley, breastfeeding became taboo in North America due to our perception of the function of women’s breasts.

“The sexualization of the breast, already under way by the 19th century, was accelerated by the World War II pinup girl poster, postwar soft porn such as Playboy magazine, and the popularity of such Hollywood icons as Marilyn Monroe,” she writes.

“As breasts became more sexualized, they became less functional: more the purview of men as sexual objects and less the domain of infants and as a source of food.”

So okay, assuming that we’re being asked to put our breasts

away because other people see them as sex objects, why are people okay with the sight of celebrities wearing revealing evening gowns at the Oscars, or the near-topless models on the covers of fitness magazines in the checkouts at the grocery store?

In short, is it okay to have your boobs on display, just as long as there’s no baby latched on to them? Or is it the fact that the ones we see everyday are filtered through TV screens and photographs?

But forgetting the double-standard for a minute, why can’t breastfeeding mothers just have a little consideration for the rest of us who, for whatever reason, rational or not, don’t feel comfortable with it?

How about you just cover up or go somewhere private and we can all get on with our lives?

Problem solved.

What amazes me about this argument is that I see a lot of mothers making it.

“I never had a problem with sleep sense | 13

it,” they reason. “If I was going out, I’d just pump some milk and give her a bottle when she got hungry. Barring that, I’d go to the bathroom or cover myself up.”

Boy, do I ever envy the women who had such an easy time breastfeeding that they could throw a blanket over their kid’s head and he’d keep feeding, instead of clawing at the blanket, squirming fanatically, and generally losing his mind.

It must also be nice to be able to pump milk at the drop of a hat, but I know not all mothers can do this as easily as grabbing their keys. (I wonder, too, where did they store their bottles to keep them cool, and

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where did they warm them up before feeding?)

mands that they leave the room while nursing.

To those who suggest that women in restaurants should take their kids to the bathroom to nurse, I propose we split the difference. I’ll bring my baby into the public bathroom to eat for half the time, and then you can grab your plate and go eat in there for the remainder.

Is that really the kind of environment we want to create?

Yes, you’re right. That is disgusting.

Beyond all of that, I feel like we create a stigma around breastfeeding when we ask people to get it out of our sight.

Think how it would feel to a new mother, who’s just getting accustomed to the pressures of parenthood, if someone de-

So maybe I have taken a pretty hard line on this subject, but I feel like, with all of the fierce opposition to this debate, there must be some valid arguments, and I’d love to hear them.

After all, some rational discussion is the only way people on opposite sides of the issue are ever going to understand and appreciate each other’s viewpoint.

And unlike boobs, rational discussion is something I’m finding hard to locate on the Internet.

THE CURSE OF THE 45 MINUTE NAP

Naps are a lifesaver for many a parent. There’s a real sense of accomplishment every time you manage to get your little one to sleep at just the right time, and he sleeps for a good solid hour and a half.

And hey, let’s be honest, a little time to get things done without having to pay constant attention to your baby is vital; both for actually accomplishing things, and maintaining your happy, healthy state of mind.

But things don’t always work out that way, do they?

Sometimes, even though you’ve invested in lots of playtime, gotten the room all nice and dark, have the temperature just where you know he likes it, even when you’ve done everything right,

the insidious 45 minute intruder comes to call.

You know the one I’m talking about, yeah? The invisible demon who wakes your child up after only 45 minutes of nap time, ensuring that he’s going to be an absolute terror for the rest of the day? Where does this entity come from? Why does he hate us so? And most importantly, what can we do about it?

Well, first we need to understand the phenomenon.

As you may already know, babies cycle in and out of deep and light sleep, just like grown ups do. They start off in that somewhat dreamy, still semi-conscious phase, then go deeper, which is where they get the actual rejuvenating effects, and then back into a light sleep.

Assuming nothing rouses them while in this light stage, they’ll continue sleeping and head back into a deeper sleep once again. Yay! We love that.

However, if they smell something unfamiliar, if they’re too hot or too cold, or they’ve lost their lovie, it can wake them to a point where they break free from the cycle.

No surprise that an average infant’s cycle from light to heavy sleep, and back again, takes an average of, you guessed it! 45 minutes. sleep sense | 15

“How can I extend the length of the cycle,” you’re asking. “His naps should be twice that long!” Well, there’s not much you can do about the length of an average sleep cycle. That’s mother nature’s domain and she’s a stubborn one, but don’t lose hope.

A lot of parents find that a “quick fix” to the situation is to give baby a pacifier, or rock her back to sleep. These techniques are commonly known as “sleep props,” and despite the fact that they might seem effective, I can assure you, they almost always do more harm than good.

We all experience these cycles and we all wake up several times a night, even as adults. However, as adults, we’ve gotten to a point where we wake up at the end of a cycle, look at the clock, see that we still have hours to go before morning, and roll over and go right back to sleep.

Most of the time, we don’t even remember it happening the next day, simply because it’s so insignificant and we’re still that groggy, dreamlike state when it happens.

(For a more detailed, step-by-step guide to eliminating sleep props, check out The Sleep Sense Program. It will guide you through this tricky procedure and help you avoid the pitfalls that parents typically run into.)

I can only imagine what it must be like for kids to wake up in the night and not really understand what just happened. “Okayyyy… last thing I remember, we were cuddling in the chair, mom was telling me a story, and all of a sudden, it’s dark, I’m alone, and someone has trapped me inside this swaddling.” I might find that a little bizarre too, if that were me. I certainly wouldn’t be able to just shrug it off and go back to sleep.

I’d have some serious questions.

around, her body tells her she’s still tired, and back to sleep she goes.

But on the bright side, a little hard work and some discipline on the parents’ part can teach baby some sleep skills that will stop her from waking up with a nightly case of the “Whoa where am I’s.”

• Keep it dark.

It’s important that your child learns to recognize her bed, her bedroom, and everything about the environment she wakes up in, as a place where she sleeps. That’s one component of a happily napping baby. The other is teaching her to go to sleep on her own, without rocking, nursing, or For an infant, however, waking up can be a scary experience if they haven’t learned to sleep supervision. on their own.

At the end of a sleep cycle, she wakes up, looks

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So here are a few quick and dirty tips for ensuring your little one can keep her cool and get back to sleep when she wakes up after a sleep cycle.

• No distractions in the crib.

Who wants to go back to sleep when there’s a crib full of stuffies to play with?

Babies are not afraid of the dark, and our bodies are naturally programmed to sleep in the darkness, so invest in some blackout blinds and either keep the bedroom door closed or keep

the lights off in the entire area of the house where light could leak into baby’s room.

• Watch for signals.

Babies have a narrow time window between being wide awake, tired and overtired.

Keep an eye out for yawns, eye rubbing, heavy eyelids and other indicators that baby is ready for a nap, and act quickly when you see them. Overtired babies are a struggle to put down.

• Turn down the monitor.

I know we instinctively want to run in every time we hear baby make a noise, but stage 1 sleep is very animated, and occasionally, very noisy. If you

keep throwing to door open and checking every time your little one makes a peep, you might be doing more harm than good.

Plan your other appointments around this schedule as much as humanly possible. Trust me, a well-rested, predictable baby is well worth the hassle.

• Keep it cool.

I won’t kid you, implementing these techniques will probably meet with some resistance at first, but keep at it for at least a week and see how it goes.

I’ve had huge success with these remedies, and although that first week can be tough, parents overwhelmingly tell me that it seems like a blip on the radar compared to the months they spent dealing with the afternoon battles and cranky babies they had to contend with before they took action.

Babies are sensitive, that’s for sure, so keep an eye on the thermostat and make a note of what temperature your baby seems to respond to.

Bedrooms should typically be kept at around 66 – 72°F (19 – 22°C) • Be consistent.

This may well be the most essential element to long, restful naps. Your baby should be going for naps at the same time, in the same location, every day.

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ISMELATONIN SAFE FOR YOUR

It’s growing in popularity with parents and doctors, but is there any cause for concern?

How many nights did I spend trying to rock, sing or otherwise soothe my fist-born to sleep, thinking to myself, “If only there was some magic pill I could give him.”

Obviously, the “magic” part of that statement was the key component, since we’re all rational enough not to slip our kids a Benadryl in order to sedate them.

In reality though, there was no way I was about to give my child a pill in order to get a solid night’s sleep out of him. Even if such a thing existed, I knew it would just be a BandAid, and not a functional, permanent solution to his sleep issues.

Which is why I’m so surprised to hear about the recent surge in parents giving their kids melatonin.

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KIDS? I’ll get into my personal thoughts on it in a minute here, but first, here’s the lowdown.

Melatonin is a hormone that our bodies produce naturally when we’re getting ready to sleep. It helps to regulate our circadian rhythms and make us feel tired when it’s time to sleep.

It was first discovered in 1950 and the synthetic form of it has been available over the counter since 1994. It’s been tested for its ability to treat a wide range of afflictions such as IBS, migraines, tinnitus, asthma, and hypertension, with varying degrees of success.

On the plus side, it’s good at its job. It helps people to reset their internal clocks and does so with relatively few side effects. (That we know of, anyways.)

It’s not a narcotic, like sleeping pills, so you don’t have to worry about overdosing or next-day grogginess, and it’s got a good track record. Judith Owens, director of sleep medicine at Children’s National Medical Center in Washington, says she has found melatonin to be safe in healthy children when used for short periods under the supervision of a pediatrician.

On the flip side of the argument, melatonin is NOT regulated by the FDA, and therefore lacks the regulation and oversight that is applied to things like analgesics and cough syrup, which means you might not be getting what you pay for. (In many parts of Europe, including the UK, it requires a prescription.)

There’s also a possibility that it might cause delayed puberty or development in children who take it over a prolonged period, according to a study done at UC Berkeley.

On top of that, we’re consuming a ton of it. According to the Nutrition Business Journal, melatonin sales went from $90 million in 2007 to a whopping $260 million in 2012.

Stuart Ditchek, clinical assistant professor of pediatrics at New York University School of Medicine, told the Wall Street Journal, “I’ve never seen such widespread abuse of any drug or therapy in all my years of practice.”

So, much like any “it” drug, it’s got its supporters and its detractors.

My personal issue with melatonin is that giving it to kids who aren’t sleeping well is the equivalent to giving Tylenol to someone with a broken leg.

You may alleviate the symptoms, but you’re not actually fixing the problem.

I’m not inherently opposed to medication by any means. My kids have had their fair share of baby aspirin and cough syrup over the years, but as a

solution to a temporary situation.

Bad sleeping habits, unlike a cough or a toothache, won’t just go away with time. Sleeping is a skill that kids need to be taught, and that teaching takes some time, effort and discipline.

I’ve been a children’s sleep consultant for over 12 years now, and I’ve seen families who were so sleep deprived that I was sincerely worried about them. Lack of sleep brings along a plethora of physical, mental, and emotional health issues, so believe me, I understand the appeal of the “silver bullet.”

But where does it end? As is the case with any solution that doesn’t fix the actual problem, sooner or later you’re going to have to pull your finger out of the dyke.

My advice? Do yourself a favor and teach your child how to fall asleep naturally, consistently, and on her own. Otherwise you’re just prolonging the inevitable.

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IT’S A NATURAL OCCURRANCE, BUT THAT DOESN’T MAKE IT ANY LESS FRIGHTENING...

WHAT TO DO WHEN YOUR CHILD HAS A NIGHTMARE

Nightmares are a tricky obstacle when it comes to a child’s sleep routine.

You probably already know the scenario.

Your child comes to you in the middle of the night, justifiably frightened and teary-eyed, with the expression every parent knows so well…

“I had a bad dream.”

The best way to deal with nightmares is, obviously, to avoid them in the first place.

So what causes nightmares, anyway?

• Stress from trauma, unfamiliar surroundings or a change in routine • Eating before bed • Upsetting images on a TV show or in a book • Excitement close to bedtime.

Bad dreams typically take place in the second half of the 20 | sleep sense

night, which means you’ll probably be sleeping yourself when your little one comes into your room.

Kids will test the waters and see what works and what doesn’t when it comes to getting their way.

The understandable request, “Can I sleep with you tonight,” is practically guaranteed, and because you’ll be sleepy and eager to calm them down, it’s a very easy one to give in to.

If they see that a nightmare gets them a night in Mom’s bed, you can be sure that they’ll start complaining of them more and more frequently.

The child gets into bed, calms down almost immediately, and everybody goes back to sleep, right?

Here’s the problem: You’re teaching your child that they need protection from nightmares.

Letting your child sleep with you contradicts the idea that there’s nothing to worry about.

After all, why would you offer the special privilege of letting them stay in your bed if they didn’t need protection?

You’re giving your child a free pass for sleeping in your bed.

You’re not allowing them the opportunity to cope on their own.

Nightmares, believe it or not, are actually a good opportunity for children to start confronting their fears.

Once they learn to handle nightmares on their own, they’ll have a much shorter interval between waking from them and getting back to sleep.

So what should you do?

• Stick to the facts. Assure your child that what they just experienced was only part of their imagination, and that nothing in their dreams can hurt them.

DREAM A LITTLE DREAM

• If they ask you to check the closet or under the bed, go ahead, but do it casually and reinforce the fact that whatever they were dreaming about was only in their heads.

• Stay with them for a bit until they’ve calmed down, but resist the urge to climb into bed with them.

• Remind them of how fun and magical their dreams normally are and ask them to describe what they’d like to dream about when they go back to sleep.

• Hugs, kisses and back rubs • Be patient. The dream might

not have been real, but the feelings that it created certainly are, so stay with your child until they’ve calmed down.

What should you avoid?

• Don’t climb into bed with your child or allow them to get into yours. It’s a quick fix, but it sets a precedent that will lead to more late night wake-ups down the road.

• Don’t discuss the nightmare too much. Let your child tell you about it, and reassure them that you’ve had similar nightmares yourself, but don’t encourage them to relive the

entire experience.

• Stay away from gimmicks like “monster spray” and “No Monsters Allowed” signs on the bedroom door. Telling your child that monsters don’t exist, while providing them with tools to keep them away, sends a mixed message.

Remember, it’s normal for a child between the ages of 3 and 8 to have the occasional nightmare. If they happen consistently enough to interfere with your child’s sleep pattern, you should speak with your doctor.

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Did

Having Kids Ruin Your Life?

or teenagers with unwanted pregnancies. These were mostly financially stable, married couples that wanted to have kids.

To top it off, participants said that the change in their well being after having their first child was, on average, worse than losing their job, losing a loved one, or going through a divorce!

Those are some pretty negative reviews for an event that’s supposed to be the happiest moment of your life.

So what’s the cause of all of this après-baby unhappiness?

Well, it could be any number of things. When you think about it, having kids puts a pretty abrupt halt to a lot of the things we used to do that gave us a giggle.

What a question, right?

All right, maybe that’s a little harsh. Let me rephrase that as, “Were you happier before you had kids?”

It’s a question you hardly ever hear, and for good reason. I think a lot of people would respond pretty defensively if they were asked that by a friend or family member, because what it sounds like they’re asking is, “Do you love your kids?” That, I agree, is an insulting question.

Myrskylä, found that 73 percent of the parents they surveyed reported a decrease in happiness after the birth of their first child.

Seventy. Three. Percent.

These weren’t women suffering from post-partum depression,

Can’t stay out partying until 3:00 A.M. anymore, that’s for sure. Even if you had the energy, who’s got the cash?

Baby made short work of both of those. Travel? Yeah, right.

With luck, we might get to the grocery store and back before our newborn has a meltdown,

But think about it for a minute.

Would you say that having kids made you happier? Do you laugh more, have more fun, and enjoy your life more?

If not, take heart, because you’re not alone. The fact is, you’re not even in the minority!

A study published in Demography last month, by researchers Rachel Margolis and Mikko sleep sense | 23

so hiking Machu Picchu probably isn’t in the books anytime soon.

But we knew that was coming when we decided to have kids, so there must be more to it than that.

According to biological anthropologist Helen Fisher, the major player in our feelings of disillusionment after baby number one is social isolation.

“When you’re getting a divorce, people are piling in to help you,” she told CBS This Morning. “They don’t pile in when you’ve had a baby. They figure you’re really happy. You get some presents from various friends, and then they just leave you alone because they figure you’re too tired and too busy.”

She said parents also suffer from exhaustion due to things like sleep deprivation, trouble breastfeeding, and the breakdown of their relationship with their partners.

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I think what makes this situation even worse is the fact that, as new parents, we’re not allowed to tell anyone that we’re struggling.

With all of the helicopter parents and tiger moms out there, we’re scared to admit in mixed company that we went with formula over breastfeeding, or haven’t secured a space in the Montessori program by the time our baby’s six months old.

Forget about actually admitting that you’re disillusioned with the whole parenting thing in general. You’d be strung up by your thumbs!

Now, I’ve got to admit, nothing could have stopped me from having kids. I would have found a way to have a child even if I’d never met my fabulous husband.

Having said that, there have been times over the years where I’ve felt really low, and even at times wondered what I’d done to my life. I felt like I’d lost myself somehow and felt

really trapped.

But I’m not the kind of person who stands around doing nothing when I’ve got a problem, so I worked hard, found a good therapist, and plugged through it, but I get where people are coming from when they say they’re feeling disillusioned.

It’s not all rainbows and sunshine when you have kids.

There can be some really dark days and I have kids that both sleep, and behave well!

A friend of mine put is so well once when she said, “There are moments of joy.”

Those are the moments you hang on to.

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