Friday, April 29, 2011
The Record Volume 41, Issue 24
The Official Student Publication of the Saint Louis Priory School since 1960
Should Kobe Retire? An insight into the college basketball scene. Robert McAullife ’12
Basketball Insider
* Disclaimer * Robert McAullife, in reality, knows a limited, severely limited, amount about basketball. Please do not be offended. As I'm sure you are all aware, basketball Hall of Famer and all time record holder for most basketballs simultaneously dribbled, Kobe Bryant, recently announced his plans to retire from the college basketball league. This news came shortly after his astounding underdog victory against the Carolina State Roadhawks, puzzling sports commentators all over the nation. Why would a man at the height (a height of 6'6" if my research is correct) of his career choose to retire? The Nielsen National Basketball Ratings Association had just ranked him as the Number 1 player in the nation. He had adoring fans the world over (including a rabid fan club in New Zealand). So why would he retire? That, dear readers, is what I'd like to explain to you. You see, while Kobe Bryant may be a fine specimen of raw athleticism and sportsmanship on the outside, he actually has a long history of a rarely-
diagnosed emotional disorder, henceforth titled Post-Baller Syndrome. Post-Baller Syndrome, or PBS, has a multitude of symptoms. Some of which include an overtendency to foul in games. If you'll remember, during Kobe's previous set of games against the Kansas University Gremlins, he made a grand total of 24 fouls, including unnecessary roughness, unsportsmanlike conduct,
would be a tendency to speak in a particularly verbose manner, staunchly different from the typically blunt, incomprehensible vernacular of most
“He had adoring fans everywhere (including a rabid fan club in New Zealand).”
blocking in the back, and several counts of being off-sides. Another symptom
players. During an interview with the Basketball Broadcasting Channel, he began waxing philosophical about the nature of his position on the team, and finished the interview with a quote from Chaucer, in perfectly-pronounced Middle English, yet another sign Mr. Bryant has come under the influence of PBS. Some of you may be thinking to yourselves, "So what if he has PBS, he's my favorite player! The Cincinnati Sorcerers would be nothing without him!", I implore you, consider the longterm effects of PBS. It's been proven in mice to cause an increase in brain matter, a slight shrink in stature, and a sharp boost in IQ. Obviously, Mr. Bryant would be rendered ineligible to participate in the sport of basketball if these effects were to manifest in him. His retiring is for his own good, and the good of his team. If he continued to play, it would only be a matter of time before even his most loyal of fans began to turn on him. So, please, before you criticize his decision, take these factors into account, and I think you'll see he has every reason to retire from the greatest of sports, America's pastime, basketball.