Friday, April 29, 2011
The Record Volume 41, Issue 24
The Official Student Publication of the Saint Louis Priory School since 1960
Should Kobe Retire? An insight into the college basketball scene. Robert McAullife ’12
Basketball Insider
* Disclaimer * Robert McAullife, in reality, knows a limited, severely limited, amount about basketball. Please do not be offended. As I'm sure you are all aware, basketball Hall of Famer and all time record holder for most basketballs simultaneously dribbled, Kobe Bryant, recently announced his plans to retire from the college basketball league. This news came shortly after his astounding underdog victory against the Carolina State Roadhawks, puzzling sports commentators all over the nation. Why would a man at the height (a height of 6'6" if my research is correct) of his career choose to retire? The Nielsen National Basketball Ratings Association had just ranked him as the Number 1 player in the nation. He had adoring fans the world over (including a rabid fan club in New Zealand). So why would he retire? That, dear readers, is what I'd like to explain to you. You see, while Kobe Bryant may be a fine specimen of raw athleticism and sportsmanship on the outside, he actually has a long history of a rarely-
diagnosed emotional disorder, henceforth titled Post-Baller Syndrome. Post-Baller Syndrome, or PBS, has a multitude of symptoms. Some of which include an overtendency to foul in games. If you'll remember, during Kobe's previous set of games against the Kansas University Gremlins, he made a grand total of 24 fouls, including unnecessary roughness, unsportsmanlike conduct,
would be a tendency to speak in a particularly verbose manner, staunchly different from the typically blunt, incomprehensible vernacular of most
“He had adoring fans everywhere (including a rabid fan club in New Zealand).”
blocking in the back, and several counts of being off-sides. Another symptom
players. During an interview with the Basketball Broadcasting Channel, he began waxing philosophical about the nature of his position on the team, and finished the interview with a quote from Chaucer, in perfectly-pronounced Middle English, yet another sign Mr. Bryant has come under the influence of PBS. Some of you may be thinking to yourselves, "So what if he has PBS, he's my favorite player! The Cincinnati Sorcerers would be nothing without him!", I implore you, consider the longterm effects of PBS. It's been proven in mice to cause an increase in brain matter, a slight shrink in stature, and a sharp boost in IQ. Obviously, Mr. Bryant would be rendered ineligible to participate in the sport of basketball if these effects were to manifest in him. His retiring is for his own good, and the good of his team. If he continued to play, it would only be a matter of time before even his most loyal of fans began to turn on him. So, please, before you criticize his decision, take these factors into account, and I think you'll see he has every reason to retire from the greatest of sports, America's pastime, basketball.
Updates
Friday, April 29, 2011 Volume 41, Issue 24
The Record - The Official Student Publication of the Saint Louis Priory School
The Brand New Record Staff Editor-in-Chief: ! Luke D Slabaugh ’12 Layout Editor: ! Trevor Jin ’12 Content Editor: !Jack O’Brien ’12 Faculty Moderator: ! Mr. Matthew Barrett In this issue... ! Robert McAullife, ’12 ! Xavier Bick ’12 ! Luc Bettaieb, ’12 ! Austin Krueger, ’14 ! David Dobkowsi, ’16 ! Thomas Burton, ’13 ! Peter Cogan. ’13 ! Luke D Slabaugh, ’12 !
Miami Heat Draft Brad Lenke problem lay, not with the players, but with our Xavier Bick ’12 manager, Pat Riley. So I Draft Analyst talked with our owner, Mr. Arison, and we decided that we wanted Wednesday at Bradley to be our new general approximately 7:45, Brad Lenke received a very manager, as well as center.” important phone call from the Brad will be the first Priory Erik Spoelstra, the head coach student to start in the NBA. of the Miami Heat. Mr. Not only this, but he will also Spoelstra informed Brad that be the first person in NBA history to be drafted outside he was able to negotiate a deal the draft the first to function with the NBA which allowed as both player and GM, and him to be drafted, months first 5'5” center in the league. before the actual draft. “It “We could have just offered came to my attention some time ago that we really needed him the job,” cites owner a new center,” says Spoelstra, Micky Arison, “but “but when one of my scouts considering his age we felt a saw the skill possessed by Mr. draft was more appropriate. Lenke, we realized the true We're making a significant
Epic Meal Time Strikes Every Tuesday Luc Bettaieb ’12 Beat Reporter
The Record Disclaimer The Record is the official student publication of Saint Louis Priory School in St. Louis, Missouri. It is produced by student editors/ staff members. Its purpose is threefold: to inform students of events in the community; to encourage discussion of local, national, and international issues; and to serve as a training ground for budding journalists, photographers, and graphic designers. The Record accepts contributions from all members of the Priory community, including students, faculty, and alumni. The Record will not publish content considered legally unprotected speech, including but not limited to: libel, copyright infringement, or unwarranted invasion of privacy, or material disruption of the educational process. Student editors apply professional standards to the production of the newspaper and are solely responsible for all content, both explicit and implicit. Letters to the Editors are always appreciated. Feedback not intended for publication is also welcome.
investment here, but I believe it is the move is key for the future success of the team.” Brad will be receiving a salary of $400,000,000 (why make billions, when you can make millions, right?) per year, which is eight times the salary of previous manager Pat Riley. LeBron James comments, “Simply by having Brad on the team, we are already miles ahead of the rest of the NBA. I believe Brad can carry this team to the top. We'll be the number one team in the NBA for years to come.” In other news, general manager Pat Riley was mauled by a flock of squirrels a fortnight ago, finally getting what he deserves.
Gentlemen of The Saint Louis Priory School! It has come to my attention that a true tragedy is occurring on a weekly basis. Over the course of a few months, Canadian terroristpoacher group Epic Meal Time has been using c o p i o u s amounts of animal-based meats in order to fulfill their sick, twisted fantasies. All much know about this awful display of h u m a n ignorance to our endangered animal friends, as opposed to vegetable friends of whom ex-presidential candidate John McCain knows of very well. The extreme-terrorist-poacher organization, as we speak, is concocting a new plan to be
unveiled next Tuesday on their YouTube channel. Likely, it will be something of like evil to that of their notorious Thanksgiving creation which involved the creation of an unholy fusion between many an endangered beast. Brethren, we must band together to boycott this travesty of obesity and extravagance. Just think about the blue-spotted dandy lynx. Wouldn’t it do the same for you? To answer that question for you, yes. Yes it would. So, be watchful on their channel, for on Tuesday, we strike! By watching with a raised brow! Disclaimer: This article is terrible, but you should still watch Epic Meal Time! New episodes are every tuesday on their YouTube channel. Swag.
Entertainment
Friday, April 29, 2011 Volume 41, Issue 24
The Record - The Official Student Publication of the Saint Louis Priory School
Priory Spring Choral Concert Amazes Austin Krueger ’14
Staff Writer
The Kevin Klein Theater was “standing room” only last Thursday for the twelfth annual Spring Choral Concert. Five separate choirs performed (from the seventh grade, eighth grade, freshman, sophomore, and junior classes) all directed by Mr. Marting. Each choir sang a variety of songs from several different genres. A boisterous round of applause followed each song, with several groups receiving standing
ovations. Most notably, the soloists performed spectacularly. The show even included a guest performance by senior cellist Richard Mazuski. For those of you who did not attend the concert, you missed out on the finest that Priory’s music department has to offer. Finally, the show closed with the traditional singing of the school hymn: “God of Great and God of Small.” Soloists included:
Eighth Grade Alex Ayala Patrick Lane Nathan Walk (Piano) Freshmen Drew Callahan Everett Zones Chris Chivetta Sophomores Khaliq Snow Ed Houser Juniors Andy Hernandez Carter Gage Andrew Rhodes Ted Tooley Paul Schulz
Seventh Grade Kyle Flores Noah Van Bree Connor Wright Mitchell Schaedler
How to Succeed in Business (Without Really Trying) David Dobkowski ’16
Staff Writer
Over spring break, I travelled up to New York City. I saw two Broadway shows, “Spider-Man Turn Off the Dark” and “How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying.” The main reason that I wanted to see “How to Succeed” was due to the fact that it stars Daniel Radcliffe (a.k.a. Harry Potter)! I would recommend this show to anyone. Radcliffe plays a window washer who
wants to be part of a big business. He soon applies for a job at World Wide Wickets headquarters. As he works in this building, he’s following an instruction book called: How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying.
As he follows this manual, he moves up from the mailroom to junior executive, to vice president of advertising, and, finally, to the vice president of the company. He also shares a romance with a secretary. Again, I truly would recommend this show to anyone. The music, dancing, and acting were superb. If you are ever in New York, please go see “How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying.”
Movies Coming Out Today Fast Five - PG-13 AKA Fast & Furious 5 is a street racing action film directed by Justin Lin. Vin Diesel, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, and Ludacris are among the members of the group. Now backed into a corner in Rio de Janeiro, they must pull one last job in order to gain their freedom. Average Rating: 6.2/10
Hoodwinked Too! Hood vs. Evil - PG From the team that brought you Hoodwinked, the comedic portrayal of the fairy tale Red Riding Hood, the sequel finds the heroine Red (Hayden Panettiere) training with a mysterious covert group called the Sisters of the Hood. Average Rating: 3.5/10
Prom - PG Several intersecting stories unfold at one high school as the big dance apaproaches; “Prom” portrays the precarious passage from high school to independence as some relationships unravel and others ignite.
Average Rating: 6.4/10
Dylan Dog: Dead of Night - PG-13 A new horror/comedy film based on one of the world’s most popular comics (60 million copies worldwide). Dylan Dog is the famous private investigator specializing in affairs of the undead. “No Pulse? No Problem.” Average Rating: N/A
Entertainment
Friday, April 29, 2011 Volume 41, Issue 24
The Record - The Official Student Publication of the Saint Louis Priory School
Crossword Puzzle ACROSS 1. Feudal lord 6. Proprietor 11. 180째 from NNW 14. An analytic literary composition 15. Hesitate 16. Skillet 17. Enforced 19. Computer key 20. Territories 21. Bend 23. Attack 27. Laborer 28. Nordic 32. Preserves, as pork 33. Take as one's own 34. Pea container 37. Website addresses 38. Overact 39. Seaweed 40. Deli loaf 41. Diving bird 42. Braid 43. Not liberal 45. Pretense 48. Worn away 49. Prize
Sudokus
50. Unprecedented 53. A scientific workplace 54. Instructive 60. Schuss 61. Apostle Peter 62. Humiliate 63. Poetic time of day 64. Piddle away 65. Not dark
25. French for "Room" 26. Picnic insects 27. Squeegee 29. What we're called 30. Sun-dried brick 31. Elector 34. Tartan 35. Pointed arch 36. Old hat 38. Coastal raptor 39. Countertenor 41. A female deity! 42. Unfair 43. Automobile 44. Sleeveless garment 45. Bogus 46. Not asleep 47. Log home 50. Smoke 51. Computer symbol 52. South African monetary unit 55. Downturn 56. Japanese sash 57. Henpeck 58. Residue from a fire 59. Permit
DOWN 1. Floral necklace 2. Any doctrine 3. Extra Sensory Perception 4. Girl 5. What we blink 6. Not closed 7. Baton 8. Cashews and pecans 9. East southeast 10. British soldier 11. Incite 12. Soothing ointment 13. Come in 18. French Sudan! 22. Ashes holder 23. Ancient Assyrian city 24. Frightening
Word Search WORDBANK
EASY
agent
gadget
roam
argue
idiot
sales
average
lies
seen
clean
maiden
stamp
dial
novice
standard
doubt
pave
track
employment
policy
visa
environment
president
voice
first
ranch
waiver
foreign
rare
white
fridge
remove
wound
friends
resist
wove
HARD
Cryptogram
- Walt Disney
Friday, April 29, 2011 Volume 41, Issue 24
2011 MLB Predictions Thomas Burton ’13
Sports Writer
AL MVP Miguel Cabrera 1B - Detroit Tigers
Sports The Record - The Official Student Publication of the Saint Louis Priory School AL Rookie of the Year Jeremy Hellickson P - Tampa Bay Rays Rays new number five starter will provide lots of strikeouts with a low ERA. Projected Stats: 14-7 Record, 3.32 ERA, 166 IP, 159 K
Despite his off-field problems, Cabrera is as consistent a performer as there is in the game. Projected Stats: .317 Avg., 37 HR, 108 RBI AL Cy Young Jered Weaver P - Los Angeles Angels High strikeout pitcher who has started out 2011 on fire. Projected Stats: 19-8 Record, 2.98 ERA, 232 IP, 228 K
NL MVP Troy Tulowitzki SS - Colorado Rockies Hits for power and average, a rarity for a shortstop. Projected Stats: .308 Avg., 32 HR, 94 RBI, 21 SB NL Cy Young Roy Halladay P - Philadelphia Phillies Defending Cy Young award winner is starting hot again in ’11. Projected Stats: 20-9 Record, 2.43 ERA, 242 IP, 233 K NL Rookie of the Year Brandon Belt 1B - San Francisco Giants High average stud who will hit for some power too. Projected Stats: .301 Avg., 17 HR, 88 RBI
Jered Weaver is the fastest to reach a 6-0 start in MLB history.
NBA Playoff Predictions Peter Cogan ’13
Sports Writer
Eastern Conference Finals For the Eastern Conference Final Series I have the Chicago Bulls pitted against the Boston Celtics. Boston will beat out Miami because they actually have chemistry, unlike the Heat who just give it to Wade and James and tell them to go score. The Celtics also have experience in the Finals that most of the Heat, except for Dwayne Wade, do not have. Even though Wade won it back in 2006, the Celtics won it more recently in 2008 and they have basically the same exact team as they did three years ago. I predict that the Celtics will beat out the Bulls in six games. Even though Derrick Rose will be the best player on the floor,
Doc Rivers will be specifically working with the defense on stopping his penetration into the lane. Also, Boston has a starting line-up that offers a variety of skills, each contributing in a different way to the team’s success. You can expect to see a confident Celtics team going to the NBA Finals. Western Conference Finals In the West I have the Oklahoma City Thunder facing off against the LA Lakers. Although the Spurs will advance to the quarterfinals, they will be a confused team trying to beat a powerful and confident Thunder team led by Kevin Durant. And even though the Lakers are struggling against the Hornets, they are the most experienced team in the playoffs and will run over an exhausted Portland team. The Lakers will end up advancing to the NBA Finals for the fourth
VS.
year in a row because they are a consistent team under a phenomenal coach Phil Jackson, who has won 11 championships as a coach (not to mention another two when he played for the Knicks back in the 70’s). Not to mention that the Lakers have one of the best and most clutch playoff performers of all-time, Kobe Bryant, who has 5 rings and averages 25.5 PPG in the playoffs. The Finals In 2011 hopefully we will once again see the Boston and LA rivalry. Right now Boston has 17 championships and LA is only one short, so they would be looking to tie for the most NBA championships. The Lakers would also be looking for revenge from the 2008 Finals, when Boston defeated them 4 games to 2. I will predict the winner in a later article.
The Record Weekly
Friday, April 29, 2011 Volume 41, Issue 24
The Official Student Publication of the Saint Louis Priory School
Queens of the Stone Age Rock The Pageant Again Tuesday, April 5th, 2011 will be a night forever remembered Editor-in-Chief as legend in The Pageant’s history. The small music venue off Delmar and Skinker Blvd played host to arguably one of the world’s best live acts, hard rock band Queens of the Stone Ag.e. This marked the band’s first appearance at The Pageant since 2002, when 4/5 of the band was comprised of different members. The quintet decided to reunite in early 2011 after separating into their own sideprojects, in order to re-release their 1998 self-titled record which is currently out of print. Casual fans or complete strangers to the band were in for a surprise, for on this tour the Queens’ main set list would be comprised only of songs from this self-titled record. After an excellent performance by opening act The Dough Rollers and after illness nearly prompted vocalist Joshua Homme to cancel the show, the band took the stage to a sellout audience. Without even greeting or acknowledging the crowd, the band launched into their first two numbers, “Regular John” and up-tempo “Avon.” The crowd sang along to the melodic “If Only”. Glow sticks that were dangling from the ceiling (and oft interfering with sauntering frontman Homme, whacking him on the head much to his displeasure) started radiating multiple colors in the trance-like, robotic grooves of “Walkin On The Sidewalks”. Before he began to play the opening riff of single “How To Handle A Rope,” Homme called out the crowd, jesting, “You guys don’t like to dance. You like to watch, like voyeurs” which prompted much thrashing and dancing for the next few numbers. Other highlights included the laid back “I Was A Teenage Hand Luke D Slabaugh ’12
Model,” a jam-filled “Mexicola” and 10+ minute-long chaos that is “You Can’t Quit Me, Baby.” The night was filled with constant headbanging and fist pumping, from a crowd rather ignorant of the band’s set list. However, the band came back for a 5-song encore, playing some of their well-known anthems, including “Burn The Witch” and “Little Sister”. Homme curtly thanked the audience for coming out and “going with the flow” before they broke out into their final song of the same name (hit single “Go With The Flow”) and exited the premises, despite the crowd’s roars for more.
Setlist Regular John Avon If Only Walkin’ On The Sidewalks You Would Know How To Handle A Rope Mexicola Hispanic Impressions The Bronze Give The Mule What He Wants I Was A Teenage Hand Model You Can’t Quit Me, Baby *Encore* Long Slow Goodbye Burn The Witch Little Sister Make It Wit Chu Go With The Flow
THE RECORD - The Official Student Publication of the Saint Louis Priory School 500 S. Mason Road, Creve Coeur, MO 63141 314.434.3690 ext. 221 theprioryrecord@gmail.com Editor in Chief: Luke D. Slabaugh, ’12 Layout Editor: Trevor Jin, ’12 Content Editor: Jack O’Brien, ’12 Moderator: Matthew L. Barrett